Kyonviction, Part Deux
A/N: Hey there, everyone, it's Anime Borat. This is the twenty-second chapter of Kyon! Do Everything! and my second published work for 2016. This includes a deleted part of my previous Kyon tutorial segment, a fishy funeral, and an entire segment dedicated to wonderful fun Finland, the Land of Lakes, Birch Trees, snow, badass snipers who kill communists, and people who stab migrating Russkies as a winter sport. Also, I love my love to my readers (who don't return the favor) this chapter as my belated Valentines Day present. Thanks for reading and don't forget to leave a review if you're inclined too.
Disclaimer: Everything you read here belongs to their respective owners. Don't sling my butt, please.
Bunny... boys? ...
The woods rang up with giggles as the Games Club marched out of the Ryuugu residence. "Gosh, Keiichi," Mion said slyly, intersped with snickers. "You look very stunning."
"'Stunning!?'" cried an embarrassed Keiichi in a playboy outfit. "I'm dressed like a Playboy bunny for crying out loud!" Keiichi's ass was flattered by his bunnygirl costume. Look at dat ass!
"I don't know," Satoshi said bashfully. "I kinda like this outfit."
"Oh, you two are so lovely and sensuous," Rena cooed. "Hopefully, Rena gets to decide the next game."
"Hell no," Keiichi cried back. "I'm not gonna be taken home by you."
"Come on, Keiichi" Satoshi said. "It's not all that bad."
"Says the boy who likes to eat yogurt," the magician of words quipped grumpily. They all played a card game that could decide the fate of the universe, the course of mankind's evolution, the revolution that could change the world - rather it decided Keiichi's dignity for the night. Keiichi and Satoshi end up in the losing end of a poker game as part of the bet, which Keiichi regretted, they got to wear black bunnygirl costumes. Let me repeat that: bunnygirl costumes!
"This is horrendous," he wailed angrily. "I was tricked yet again."
"Too bad," Rika said in mock-pity. "It's your fault for accepting the bet in the first place." Wonder if Kyon has made it...
It was already bad for Keiichi's manhood but the worst part was Satoshi holding a spoon of yogurt for him to eat - in his mouth. "It was the most horrendous thing I've ever experienced, eclipsing the cycle of previous lives revolving around me being murdered and tortured, the worst of which was..."
Watching Tommy Wisau's The Room in HD. The script was atrocious, the acting shitty, oh God he would scratch his own throat - and did - to make it stop.
"Uh, come on, Keiichi, it's not that bad," Rika said. "Besides, showing your ass to the world is the least of all your problems."
"Really, only made it worse by having me wear this with Satoshi the fairy," he ruefully said, cocking a thumb to the blushing Satoshi. "I demand compensation!"
"How was... The Room?" Satoko asked.
"Please! MAKE IT STOP!" Keiichi screamed madly. "I can't stand another 'You are tearing me apart, Lisa!' for a fourth consecutive time. If I have to watch again, I'll explode." They all laughed at the poor little douchebag.
"Good, at least you know your place," Mion said triumphantly. "You'll have to were it throughout the entire trek. You're lucky it's night and everyone's at home."
"Gee, thanks Mion," Keiichi said relieved. "I was beginning to to think it was the end of my dignity." So with renewed vigor Keiichi marched with them, booty shaking all the way. Little did he knew, someone was watching from the woods.
"Oh yeah, look at dat ass," Kyouko said saucily as she recorded the boys for shits and giggles, struggling hard not to fap.
Mark and execute...
Kyon was facing a few guys who stood between him and Itsuki cowering in the bush. They had weapons pointed at his chest. It was stand-off and the odds were not looking good for our hero.
"Kyon," Yuki said. "You need to take them out so we can get Itsuki and get the hell out of here.
"I'm a little pressed for time, Yuki," he replied, "we've just found each other."
"Can you spot Itsuki?" Yuki asked.
"Yeah, he's there and his being a whoopsie," he answered wryly.
"Hang on, I'm coming." The alien hung up. She's coming to the rescue.
"Drop your weapon," the bad guys ordered. And Kyon has yet another flashback.
One year ago...
Kyon was tucking Imouto in bed. His little sister was worried as he turned off the lights.
"Kyon, I'm scared," she said uneasily.
"What is it, Imouto?" he asked softly, tenderly.
She hesitated cutely as she look at him. Then she answered, "I'm scared of the dark. Whenever the lights go out, I'm always afraid of the monsters living in my closet."
Wait, what? he thought. His little sister is ten years old, hangs around Haruhi in their adventures and is scared of a little darkness? What on earth...
But instead of ranting about that, he said to her like the big brother he was, "Imouto, you don't need to scared of the darkness. Darkness can be a good thing. You can make someone your little bitch without them noticing."
Her eyes widened excitedly. "Really?"
"Yes," he went on. "Also, the monsters in the closet. They're just after the little boys, because they're homogay."
"What's homogay?' she asked curiously.
Now that's a tricky question. How does he explain to her about that? Then it hit him. "Well, there's Itsuki. He's homogay. He likes to touch other men in their secret places."
"Oh." Her face lit up, satisfied she learned a new fact about the world.
Then there was some loud crashing noise. Imouto looked up worriedly. "Kyon, what was that?"
Kyon senses tingled. "Don't worry, I'll check it out. I need you to stay in bed. I'll bed right back." Then Kyon quietly left her bedroom to see what it was all about.
Going down in the living room, he spotted two dumbasses who think they can break and enter to steal shit - like Haruhi usually does.
"You guys stepped into the wrong fucking house," he muttered to himself. Then a goon stepped out of the shadows.
"Oh shit, the home owner's home!" he quipped in panic. He pointed his gun. "I'll take him out- Hey!" What he got was a punch to his nose and his gun swiped.
Kyon growled, "No one break's into my fuckin'..." He shot him in the head a few times.
MARK BOTH INTRUDERS, said the wall in Splinter Cell: Blacklist font.
AIM AND PRESS [RS] TO MARK YOU TARGETS
"Oh shit!" one of the talking goons spouted in panic. "He just killed one of our guys. Quickly! Stare at him-" Kyon capped his head. "*Boom*"
And he capped the other. "*Egggh~*."
"Let that be a lesson to you," he declared.
"Kyon?" Imouto's voice rang up behind him, which scared the crap out of him.
"Whoa, shit!" Started he spun around. BANG! "Oh, Imouto," he scolded lightly. "You should know better than sneak up on Kyon-kun when he's murdering people."
Just kidding XD. He doesn't shoot cute little Imouto.
What actually happened then...
"Kyon," Imouto said as she approached him. He turned around to see her with a strange albino cat-thing with ears longer than Bugs Bunny.
"Whos' that..." he stopped short of asking when he looked closely. It was Kyubey, teddybear Lucifer.
"Do want to be a magical girl?" he/she/it asked telepathically, wagging his/she/its tail.
"Kyon, can I keep him?" Imouto begged with those cute, wide eyes.
Kyon was at first stunned, then he said. "Let me talk to your new friend. I need to explain to him the house rules."
"Okay." She gladly gave Kyubey to Kyon and returned to her room. Kyon then took Kyubey downstairs then out the house. On the porch Kyon turned to the Incubator with a hard angry look.
"What's the big idea?" he demanded.
"What's the small idea?" she/he/it spat back in Kagami's voice. "That was my catch of the day, you prick. I need her soul to stave off the heat death of the universe."
"My ass," he replied. "Saving the universe? I have to deal with that everyday with Haruhi."
"Oh really? There's a new game in town and it's me!" Kyubey said in the tsundere's voice. "And there's nothing you can do about it, chump. You're a washed-up Vietnam vet-" But Kyon whipped out a shotgun and shoved the barrel up his/her/its ass, forcing she/he/it to let out a scream of cat being molested by a steel pipe.
"Perfect," he chimed, admiring his "work". "Now, time to go Anton Chigurh on Aizen's ass." And off he marched into the darkness with an annally-pained Kyubey as his unwilling silencer.
Back to the present...
"Kyon, are you still there? Kyon..." Yuki's voice on the codec just brought Kyon back to the real world.
"It's me, Yuki," he radioed back.
"Have you found Itsuki?" she asked.
Kyon looked at the dead guys he just killed. Then the bush where Itsuki was hiding. Then he heard the rustle of bushes. "I think he's heading back to you."
Running, the esper shrieked will all his might. "Yuki! HELP!"
Retreat!...
Midway through their search they found a place that seemed by ransacked and hastily done over, the boxes where cluttered and haphazardly filled, various items were scattered on the floor and and there was a pile of books of books strewn around in one corner. And oh, there's a skull with a spider crawling out of its eye socket.
"Haruhi, what's going on here?" the playboy asked, nonplussed.
"Something's definitely fishy here," Haruhi commented as she rubbed her chin like a good faux-detective. "Must be the Gay-mes club trying to tidy up a bit after their nightly sacrifice or... wait a minute" she examined the scene closely, "They sweeping the dust off their unholy artifacts and satanic texts! HOLY SHIT!" she squealed. This was the most exciting find ever! "This is even bigger than than I thought..." She could barely hold her enthusiasm. The possibilities were enormous! She toppled a few boxes to see what's inside, causing a crash. Taniguchi looked nervously as
BOOM! BANG! And a screaming Itsuki.
"What the hell was that?" Haruhi piped after hearing of the massive disturbance outside while ransacking the Saiguden.
"I don't know," Taniguchi said. "It sounds like a warzone out there."
"REALLY?" Haruhi squealed excitedly. "Let me see!" She ran out of the shed, leaving him alone with the creepy knickknacks in the dark.
He looked around and gulped. The place was a mess. They've been rummaging through stuff that might be forbidden artifacts in search for Frank Cotton, or what was left of him - if there was anything left of him at all, or what he left behind... fat chance. He wondered if he should run outside with Haruhi or continue searching for clues about Frank Cotton.
After the panda incident, he really believed that there was a curse here - and from hereon, a god. A vicious sadistic bastard of a good who demands gruesome blood sacrifices.
Oyashiro-sama. That name, having been bandied around lately, has now made alarmed him. Looking at the odd ancient contents, he realized that he was way over his head when he joined up with them. "Man, what did I do to deserved this?" he asked himself. They should have refused Tsuruya's offer to come along in this trip. He should've stayed home, perfecting his pickup lines and jacking off to porn. He then heard a rustling sound and looked into the darkness.
Meanwhile, Haruhi burst out of the shed just in time to meet Itsuki skidding to stop on the grass. "Hey, Itsuki," she greeted. "What the hell's going on out here?"
"Quick, Haruhi! We gotta vamos now!" he pleaded desperately.
"What? Hell no!" Haruhi retorted. "We've got to snag some evidence before we leave."
"There are guys with guns coming at us!" Itsuki screeched hysterically at her, showering the goddess with spittle. "We gotta get outta here now!"
"Shut the fuck up, Itsuki!" Haruhi slapped him like a bitch. "Watch where you're spraying."
"We've got guys with guns out in the woods," Itsuki said more slowly, less frantic.
Haruhi's eyes gleamed with joy. "Really? AWESOME!"
"It's far from awesome," he exclaimed. "They're here to kill us!"
"Okay, okay, okay, shish," Haruhi said, annoyed. "Let's just get our evidence before we leave." She shouted to Taniguchi inside through the open door. "Hey playboy! Hurry your ass with the evidence will ya!? We're moving out!"
Hearing Haruhi's outburst from outside, Taniguchi was distracted from his stating-stupidly-into-the-darkness-before-being-killed-brutally-by-an-evil-presence act. "Okay!"
"Hurry, Tani. Itsuki says there's guys with guns in the woods."
"Oh shit!" he exclaimed in panic. He immediately got the nearest loot he can find and hassled off. In the shadows, Frank and Julia breathed a sigh of relief.
"Damn, Julia," Frank commented as he looked around. "I didn't think they'll have their buddies looking for them." He referred to the men Julia killed so Frank can be fully human again.
"I didn't expect that so quickly," Julia defended.
"Well, in any case, did you dispose of the van?" he asked.
"Of course, my dear," she said sweetly, reassuringly. "No one would be the wiser. I drove it into that lake near the village."
"Good job," he praised. "Now let's get back to searching that cube."
"Anything, my love." And they embraced each other and begin to romantically suck each other's mouths. EWW!
Taniguchi followed Haruhi and Itsuki with an armful of Saiguden loot, running as much as his panicky legs can take him. "Run, faster!" Haruhi called back. "We gotta get the loot, uh, evidence back to the hotel."
"What the hell do you think I'm doing?" he panted back. "Don't leave me."
"Like I want my ass to be demoned away," retorted Haruhi.
The party lead by Mion was already approaching the Saiguden when they looked at something approaching them. "Look's like the party's just over."
"And coming towards us," Keiichi noted, feeling immodest due to his bunnygirl costume.
"Well, we all know what to do: Satoko, set up a barricade," the Games Club president commanded.
"Right away." The little blond girl saluted promptly and started cutting the down the nearby trees with an axe. It was about as fast as you can expect from a chipmunk trying to gnaw at cherry tree. The rest of the gang sweatdropped.
"Is this your plan?" Keiichi teased Mion, still sexy. "To cut down every tree surrounding the Saiguden? Yeah, that'll keep trespassers out."
"Shut up. Keiichi, we're gonna build stakes to trap the trespassers," Mion retorted.
"What? At the speed of a drunk snail?"
"You got a other better idea?" she challenged. Satoko was still chopping wood.
"I got an idea," Rika chimed. "Hey Satoko!"
"What-" As soon as she opened her mouth, Rika shot a Jägerbomb Jello-shot laced with crack through, hitting the back of her throat. The blond gulped it in and...
Her eyes suddenly went blank, her body shook violently and BOOM! She turned into Sonic-the-Hedgehog-on-crack Satoko!
She Tasmanian devil'd the nearby trees, then started planting sharpened stakes on the ground, ending in a huge wall in front of the gang, lashed with vines. Satoko dropped to the ground.
"Satoko," cried a distressed Satoshi. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fiiiinnne~," slurred the blond.
Then the retreating Brigade realized they were running into a path of death! "OH SHIT!" Haruhi cried, skidding into a stop. "They've got as trapped! We're doomed!"
Back at the Saiguden, Kyon was thinking how to get a half-ton package back to the hotel.
"Yuki, any ideas?" asked Kyon, scratching his head.
"Kyon, on the box," Yuki simply ordered.
He looked at her with skeptical eyes. "Uh, how does that..."
"Get on the box. Now." Her voice changed to a scary black guy. A perturbed Kyon promptly obeyed and got on. Yuki got on and gave it a heel kick.
ZOOOOMMM!
"What are we gonna do, what are we gonna do?" Itsuki begged, wanting to get out of that madhouse with his genitals intact.
"It's hopeless," Taniguchi wailed like his momma. "We're gonna die."
"Shut up and yourselves useful," Haruhi said imperiously. Then she heard the sound of an onrushing train coming at them. She looked at the darkness to see a light in which her eyes bulged. "INCOMING!"
"Huh?" The boys turned head and-
BOOM! The trio were shot into the air in SLOW MO! by the magic speeding package of Kyon and Yuki and they slammed on it in normal speed. Haruhi was knocked unconscious by the blow. "A knocked-out Haruhi? DIBS!" Yuki chimed. "But I wish you were Tsukasa." Thus did not molest the goddess.
"Anytime now, anytime now," Shion said confidently.
"How come I don't here any screams?" Keiichi asked.
"Come on, good things come to those who wait."
"Isn't it odd that we're gonna be goring hapless trespassers to death?" Satoko questioned. "Why not we take them to the cops and charge them with breaking and entry?"
"At times like these, we need to take matters on our own hands. Besides, if it's the SOS Brigade, we can solve our troubles- Hey, what's that shaking?" The ground trembled and the wall burst into flying logs as the package burst through!
"WHAT THE HELL-" But the gang was thrown into the air and into a nearby ditch. Several stakes landed nearby but missed them. Damn.
Scattering one's sorrow...
By the riverside, Kimiyoshi was crying over what's left of Lance Bass inside an orange crate for a coffin: his skeletonized fish head. In a course of a day, his "fishfriend" had been violated brutally by those chibis. It had to be them, he thought, angrily. Only they could do such savage things against his fishy lover. But now he has to say good-bye.
Press [F] to pay respects
Old Man Kimiyoshi did by smoothing his hand against the skull. He was gonna miss him. For all the funtimes they had, the sex at the moonlight and all those happy, secret things. Yet, he will not forget him. And he will remember him thanks to this brown package he purchased from Crazy Shion's Hardware Store.
He held the crate containing the skull and looked at it as he prepared to send it off. But the memories, the sweet, spicy memories flooded back to him, brought a tear in the eye. "I won't scatter your bones to the heartless stream," he said as he held the crate. "I will always be with you. Plant your fins in me." He reached into the eye-socket and smeared some black residue on his face. "I won't see you end as-"
BLAG! The brigade's package ride knocked him out of the way, causing the old man to throw up the orange crate into the river. On the ground, Kimiyoshi watched in horror as the current carried the crate away downriver.
"LANCE! NO!" He waded frantically into the river to try to rescue the skull. The package was stopped by a huge rock, toss its occupants to a tree. Knocked senseless, Taniguchi staggered like a drunk.
His hearing was echoing loudly, the result of shell shock.
"Kyoooooon, graaaab asssssss! Weeee're pulling out!"
"Heeeeey! Dooooon't leaaaave meeee!"
"Youuu're oonn you'rrre owwwwn, cracker!"
Then his hearing returned to normal.
"Don't forget the evidence," Haruhi cried back as she ran off, followed by Yuki, carrying the huge package over hear despite looking like a petite schoolgirl, which is, Kyon, and Itsuki. Frantically, he look at the loot strewn on the ground. He could here shouts and footsteps from the way they came in. Quickly, he seized a random brown packet and vamoosed.
Darling's Anatomy...
Keiichi Darling hobbled inside the infirmary with a crutch and a foot covered in bandages and plaster. It was the worst day in his life. He had been insulted all day by those two muscle-monkeys and his boss shot him on the foot just for a counter-intel op. It hurts so much.
Yutaka walked in and was astounded to see his colleague and arch-nemesis inside. "Hello, Darling. What are you doing here?"
He replied with a pained face, "Bullet in the foot."
That made him cock a skeptical eyebrow. "Well, I can understand people at the field trying to shoot themselves in the foot, but when you're a a top-secret complex of interconnected (totally not Mother Base) steel platforms hidden away in some islands..."
"I did not shoot myself," he retorted, annoyed, "Gendo did it."
Delighted at his rival's bad fortune, he smiled. "Well! Finally got fed up with you, did he?"
"No, it was a mistake."
He said pointedly, "Oh, he was aiming for your head."
"He wasn't aiming for anything," he blurted back.
He suggested happily, "Oh, so he was going for between your legs, then."
"Very funny, Yutaka. You'll be laughing on the other side of your face if you don't find this spy." He gave him a dark look.
Yutaka looked rather confident. "Don't you worry, Darling. I intend to start interviewing suspects immediately."
What followed was Keiichi tied up to a chair with an chamber pot on his head "This is completely ridiculous, Yukata!" he cried in outrage. "You can't suspect me. I've only just arrived."
"The first rule of counterespionage," he said matter-of-factly, "Darling, is to suspect everyone. Believe me, I shall be asking myself pretty searching questions later on. Now, tell me: What is the colour of the Duchess of Cambridge's favorite underwear?"
His face contorted at the stupid question. "How the hell should I know?"
"I see. Well, let me ask you another question: What is the name of the German Head of State?"
Incredulous, he answered, "Angela Merkel, obviously."
"AHA!" He cried like he had found some scandalous yaoi pictures. "So you're on first-name terms with the Merkel, eh?"
This alarmed him even more. "Well, what did you expect me to say?"
He was surprised and amused to see him panic. "Darling, shh..." He then took out a French fag. "Cigarette?"
Grateful and relieved, he accepted it. "Thank you." Yutaka lit it for him.
He let him puff contentedly on the fag for a few seconds. Suddenly he slapped it off. "All right, you stinking piece of crap!"
That scared the crap out of him. "I beg your pardon?!"
"Shut your cakehole, sonny! I know you!" he ranted with an accusing tone. "Tell me, von Darling: What was it finally won you over, eh? Was it the long, hard pumpernickel, or was it the thought of hanging around with big, sweaty, mustachioed men in leather shorts?"
Yutaka was shaking now at this bewildering turn of events. "I'll have you courtmartialed for this, Yutaka!" he threatened desperately.
"What, for obeying Gendo's orders? That may be what you do in Munich - or should I say Muechen? - but not here, Wernher! You're a filthy Hun spy, aren't you!" He then called into the next room. "Cappy, the bulbasaur, please!"
The Bulbasaur threat scared the crap out of him. "ARGH! No! No, no, wait!" he frantically begged. "No, look, I'm engaged! I was born in Kyoto; I was educated in Saitama primary school; I've got a girlfriend called Yuna; I know all the lyrics to Motteke! Sailor Fukov!"
"Motteke! Sailor Fuku!" he corrected. Seeing Darling defending his innocence was total schadenfreude of the highest order.
"Sailor Fuku! Sailor Fuku! Look, I'm as Japanese as HATSUNE MIKU!"
Yutaka pressed on like hound on fox, "So your father's German, you're half German, and you married a German?"
Darling was crying now! He moaned, "No! No! Look, for God's sake, I'M NOT A GERMAN SPY!"
"Good. Thanks very much. Send in the next man, would you?" That moment left Darling stunned as nurse came through the door to see such a scene going on.
The nurse furious at this shenanigans. "What is all this noise about? Don't you realize this is a hospital?"
Finally, someone with some sense has stopped his torment. He got up and glared at him. "You'll regret this, Yutaka," he seethed and growled. "You'd better find the real spy or I'll make it very hard for you."
"Please, Darling - there are ladies present," Yutaka chided playfully.
Not taking anymore of this, Darling angrily waddled out still tied to his chair. The nurse took the potty off his head as he went out the door. With a scream he crashed into some chamber pots on the way.
Full Metal Nightmare...
He made it! He made it back to the hotel with the supply package! Yuki and Kyon had to trudged it off while he split with Haruhi and the playboy. How they managed to bring a half-ton package out of the woods and back so quickly was something Yuki can pull off. The good thing was that with all the gear they retrieved, they can face whatever threat maneuvering behind the scenes. Yet.. there was one big trade-off.
He had to be teammates with Kyon! Kyon, the vicious riddle picadillo sauteed with question mark spices, wrapped on a hard enigma shell, richly slathered in hot mystery sauce and melted complication cheese. The cynic creeped him out for that and his violent mood swings which made him seem like another person and even that is questionable. There were a few moments that Kyon, like this very night, was a cordial fellow who seem to wander to cloud-cuckoolander territory but talking about the Vietnam War was anything but that.
He faded into dreamland. He dozed for a while, then awoke. There was a noise outside, it sent a chill down his spine. The middle of the night? Why now of all times!?
He took out a flashlight and lit it. He left his room and swept the corridor with his beam, careful to look at anything that seemed out of place. He heard some footsteps. He spun and was facing the source of the sound: his room. Swallowing nervously, he tightened his sweaty grip on the flashlight and went in. He noticed the door to the bathroom was open. Then he noticed the package was opened and ransacked, gear strewn around the floor. Oh shit! he thought. The worst has come to pass. Someone is stealing my twinkies! With a shot of courage he proceeded into the bathroom.
He slowly got in and saw a dark figure sitting on the toilet. He shown his light and lo and behold! It was Kyon and he's not taking a shit.
The cynic seemed psycho happy like he strangle an earthworm while choking the chicekn. "Hiiiiii Itsukiii," he breathed in a scary tone. He then proceed to slowly and noisily slip bullets into a magazine.
Itsuki's eyes opened a little more as he saw the magazine. "Are those... live rounds?"
Kyon replied slowly, "Seven-six-two millimeter. Full metal jacket."
He looked nervously around him, not knowing what to do. "Kyon, if Haruhi comes in here and catches us, we'll both be in a world of shit," he warned.
Then the cynic's voice went up a notch, "I am... in a world...of shit!" Then he shot up straight, bellowing manically, "LEFT SHOULDER, HUT!" He spun his SCAR-H, slanted it against his left shoulder. "RIGHT SHOULDER, HUT!" He repeated the maneuver, this time on the right. "LOCK AND LOAD!" He swiftly did that. "ORDER HUT!" The rifle was held by the against his left leg.
Then he recites his madness. "THIS IS MY RIFLE! THERE ARE MANY OTHERS LIKE IT, BUT THIS ONE IS MINE! MY RIFLE IS MY BEST FRIEND! IT IS MY RIFLE! I MUST MASTER IT AS I MUST MASTER MY LIFE! WITHOUT ME, MY RIFLE IS USELESS! WITHOUT MY RIFLE, I AM USELESS! I MUST FIRE MY TRUE..." Itsuki just stood there and watched.
This woke Haruhi from her beauty sleep, dreaming of the fame that will showered on her after cracking the case wide open. Grumbling, she got up and out to check Itsuki's room. Entering she complained loudly, "What is this Mickey Mouse shit? What in the name of Jesus H. Christ are you losers doing the bathroom? Why is Kyon out of his bunk after lights-out? Why is that lazy ass holding that weapon? Why aren't you stomping Private Pyle's guts out?"
"Ma'am, it is the deputy's duty to inform the brigade leader that Kyon has a full magazine that is locked and loaded, Ma'am!" he replied desperately.
She took a look at Kyon, the poster boy for positive optimal mental health. Sizing up the situation, she said slowly, "Now, you listen to me, Kyon. And you listen good. I want that weapon, and I want it now. You will place that rifle on the deck at your feet, and step back away from it." That's what Itsuki hoped she said. What she actually said was...
"Now you listen to me Kyon," she spoke boisterously. "As you're brigade leader you drop that gun and get back to sleep, dumbass. I've got a big day tomorrow to crack a murder conspiracy wide open. So you drop that gun and bow down to me." She crossed her arms haughtily.
Kyon obliged - by pointing it at her chest, all smiles.
Pissed that he was defying her authority, she shrieked, "WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, BLUEBALLS!? Didn't Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a baby-"
PPRRRRK! PRRRK! PRRRK! went the rifle and Haruhi fell flat dead.
Kyon stared at Itsuki. "You're... next," he growled slowly.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" came the esper's little girl shriek.
-Higurashi OST - Kinchou-
The esper panted as he raced down the hall and stairs for dear laugh. He tried hard not to like back as the even faster footfalls of a psychotic cynic were not far behind.
"Hey, Koizumi!" Kyon cried happily. "Let's play search and destroy!" It was followed by evil laughter.
He tumbled out the hotel as Kyon gave chase, riding on Fujiwara with saddle on his back and an S&M bit gag on his mouth. "Tally ho!" cried the cynic followed by a bugling of cavalry charge, intensifying his predicament even more.
"WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?" he lamented desperately as he ran like hell
"I don't know Itsuki," Usain Bolt answered as he ran along the esper. "You ask him." Then he zoomed over, making him eat dust.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" echoed the cynic's demonic laughter. Terrified, Itsuki switched tracks into the forest.
Eyes looking around while cowering in a bush, he chattered in fear, "What do I do, what do I do, what I do?" Then it hit him. "I know." He turned on his codec. "Somebody, this is a Delta-Charlie priority one distress call," he whispered rapidly. "I repeat, Delta-Charlie. I need extraction from my position, over."
No response. Just eerie static. "Come on, don't fail me now," he begged.
"Hiii Charlie~," Kyon whispered from behind his back. "Right behind ya."
"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGH!" Itsuki screamed as he popped out from his hiding place. Kyon followed suit by jumping on his reluctant, enslaved stead and spurring him on. The esper ran as far as legs can carry on, kicking up dust clouds of dust.
"When is this gonna end?" he squealed. Then he tripped.
-Kinchou stops-
He did not hit the ground on the face but something soft instead. He got up and realized he was on a bed. A red, king-sized, heart-shaped bed. Scented candles enlivened the air with their, um, exotic scents. The room had a seventies vibe.
He was nonplussed by this non-sequiter. "What the... How do I end up here?" he muttered aloud, looking around.
A door opened. "Hi, silly buns~," a flighty, effeminate voice called out sweetly. He knew that voice!
-Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe by Barry White plays-
"You gotta to be kidding me," he moaned in horror, eyes on the creepy silhouette on the doorway.
"Nice of you to drop in, Mr. Koizumi," Dr. Irie greeted, dressed in a fabulous bathrobe. He walked in seductively to a frightened Itsuki. "So how was your trip?"
"SCREW YOU!" he shrieked back. He tried to jump out of bed but he was seized mid-air and fell to the floor. "What the hell is this?" Itsuki noticed his ankle was cuffed to the bedpost. The cuff was a pink fluffy furry one. Panicking, he tried to yank the chain off the post several times.
"Those handcuffs are so romantic," quipped an aroused Irie. "I bought them on E-bay." He then chucked off the robe for Itsuki to see-
-Barry White stops-
Itsuki instantly woke up, covered in sweat. He turned on the light and scanned the premises, making sure there was no creepy cynic lurking around. Oh Haruhi, he thought with a cringe, I forgot about Doctor Teabag. Never forget the doctor. He's the last person I encounter all by myself.
Voi ei, Perkele! (Welcome to Finland!) …
Taniguchi can't sleep as there was no way to get the image out of his mind. On the floor he had with him evidence of which Haruhi claimed was related to their case: a brown packet.
The goddess had ordered the playboy to commit a felony by stealing a packet in that cache.
"It's evidence," she said before they ran off from the Saiguden. He looked at it. It was addressed to someone named Kimiyoshi. Feeling crushed at the thought of committing a felony, he threw dejectedly threw the parcel up in the air.
And it came back right at him.
POOF!
It broke open and the playboy cough loudly. What was in that bag? He got up staggered to his feet. Why was it echoing? Was that a bomb!?
Then the strangest thing happened to him. As soon as his hearing and composure returned he heard the loud steam whistle of a train. He then saw a wright yellowish light coming from his balcony. The whistling gave way to increasing rumbling.
"What the hell is going on!?" he shouted in panic. Bewildered, he tried to reach for his door but the rumbling was causing everything to shake, making him fall on his ass. And the train screeched to a stop.
This was most unnerving. The playboy slowly got up, expecting the worst. Then he heard several shouts in a tongue-twisting foreign language. Curiosity getting the better of him, he peered out the window to see a passenger train outside his hotel room. One of the car's door opened and he saw a mustached, bespectacled old man in conductor uniform strode out of the car and into his balcony. "All aboard the Soumi Express!"
"The what?" he asked incredulously.
"The Soumi Express," the man replied in his thickly-accented voice. "I am Esa Pakarinen. Your conductor."
"Ah, my name is Taniguchi..."
Inside Shion's Torture Keller, a victim was screaming for mercy.
"Ah, Mr. Taaniguuchi. Do you want to ride?" Pakarinen asked.
"Ah..." The playboy mulled over the question. He was thinking if he should desert this trip and hightail his ass outta here, or if he's jumping out the frying pan or into the fire.
The conductor pulled out his gold pocket watch and looked at the time. "Come on, sir. I'm scheduled to leave to my next stop. Are you coming?"
Then he made his decision. "Okay, I'll go."
He snapped the watched closed in satisfaction. "Kyllä , hop aboard." He waved him in and Taniguchi jumped in without a thought.
-Esa Pakarinen - Lentävä Kalakukko plays-
Taniguchi found himself seated in the coach class with what look like German soldiers in winter camo clothing. They were chatting in this weird language, which was definitely not German. He had the window seat so he watched the world below departing in a fast pace. Then the conductor Pakarinen entered.
"Tickets, please," he called as he passed by. The soldiers and other passengers gave him his tickets.
Oh shit! he thought. He got in without a ticket! The hell was he gonna do.
And just as he was about get up, the conductor was just beside, taking a soldier's ticket. "Tickets, please," he said to the playboy.
Nervously, Taniguchi reached into his pocket and to his amazement, he had one. The conductor got it and punched it. "Thank you, sir, and have nice trip."
"Hey, wait."
He turned around just as he was about to leave. "Yes?"
"Where are we going?" he asked uneasily.
The conductor smiled. "We are going to Canada, recently annexed by glorious Soumi. We just need to drop our boys in Ukraine."
"Your boys?" He was puzzled. "Ukraine?"
"Yes, with Putin tearassing from the Crimea to the Donets, we Finns don't want to be left out of the fun, especially if it means kicking Ryssa in the ass."
"I thought these guys were Germans."
"Oh, that's a misconception." He wagged his finger. "The boys are using surplus from Germany when the First World War ended in 1918."
He looked at the Finnish soldiers and noticed they were armed with weaponry dating back from 1939. "How do you compete with that?"
"Why, with our sisu, of course." He shouted to the entire car. "Ready for the fight, boys!" He heard tremendous roar of approval from everyone.
"When I get to Crimea," the soldier next to the playboy said, "I'll pop this Molotov cocktail down Ivan's tank hatch." He held the gasoline bomb in front of him.
"Ha," scoffed the man behind him, "let's see if he's man enough when he meets my puuko." He brandished his knife.
Taniguchi sank back to his seat, leaving the Finns to their banter. That was when Esa the conductor noticed something. "Are you sad?"
"Well... I don't know," he admitted. "This summer trip has taken a wrong turn for me. I tagged along with my buddies and now I'm dragged into some trouble that I know is heading their way very soon."
"I see," he said sadly. "I think for your melancholies, you should see Munamies."
His eyes betrayed his surprise. "Munamies?"
"Yes. A good friend and the cure to all life's problems." He smiled. "We'll meet him after getting these boys off."
-Lentävä Kalakukko stops-
The train screeched to a halt at some town in Ukraine.
-J.S. Bach's Invention in B minor - Wendy Carlos version plays-
"Perkele! Perkele! Perkele!" Hundreds of angry Finns filtered out the cars, attacking the nearest of Putin's little green men they can find with bolt-action rifles, submachineguns, hand guns, light machine guns, knives, spades, and Molotov cocktails. The Russians screamed like little girls and ran off. It turned into a clusterfuck pretty quick. One Finn was gutting a Russkie hard, ripping his innards. Another wrestled his Russkie to the ground and proceeded to strangle him to death with a link of sausages. One little green men was set on fire and he crashed into a gas station which his homies were chilling on vodka, causing it to explode into a fireball.
"Hej, *hick*," exclaimed one Russian who was too drunk to notice he was on fire. "How about a drink?" he held out a flaming bottle of vodka, then collapse in a heap. Another friend of his is on fire and chased by more Finns.
Taniguchi saw a group of Finns forcing a captured Russian to listen to gay pop music, as the train departed, the poor man screaming for his vodka.
-Invention in B minor ends-
"So, what does Munamies do?" Taniguchi asked.
"Why, he's the man you go to to talk to your problems with and he'll make you feel better." And he looked out the window. "We are arriving to our stop now." The train slowed majestically and the steam whistle trumpeted to life. Out the window he can see a sunny landscape with a rainbow. Lot's of happy anthropomorphic animals walking around happily with a smiling Stephen Harper clubbing a seal named Spurdo Spärde to death with a hockey stick. On a flag pole was the flag of Soumi Kanada, only what should be in parts bright red was replaced with dark blue, the color of Finland.
Taniguchi got up and got out. "Taaniguuchi," the conductor said as the playboy stepped into the platform. "I'd like you to meet Munamies."
"Hello~," squealed a high-pitched baby voice. He turned to the sound and saw an egg-shaped man, 60 cm in height, wearing what looked like a white custom-made hooded track suit. He was waving his mitten-clad hands excitedly and hopping up and down.
WHAT THE FUCK!? his mind screamed as he looked at this abomination of kawaii.
"Hello, Esa," the egg-man said in his babyish voice. "Long time, no see."
"Likewise, you, Munamies, likewise you," the conductor greeted jovially, shaking his hand. "I'd like you to meet Taaniguuchi." He waved his hand to the playboy.
"Hi." The egg-man waved. Taniguchi could not stop staring at him. "That's okay. I get that a lot."
"W-wh-what a-are y-y-you?' he stammered.
"Okay, Munamies, I've got stops to conduct now."
"Bye-bye, Esa." So the two friends waved good-bye. As the train roared as at left, the stubby-looking man approached the playboy and held out his hand. "Helloo, I'm Munamies. But you can call me Eggy."
"Hello." He got back his composure and shook his hand. "I'm Taniguchi."
"Good to see you, Taaniguuchi. It's nice to meet new people. My hobbies are painting eggs and existentialism. How about yours?"
"I like to read and watch porn," he said with a shameful smile.
"That's okay. Everybody does it. What seems to be the problem?" Then the playboy explained it to him briefly. "Hmm, there's nothing a little music can't help."
He gave him a puzzled look. "Music?"
Munamies clapped his hands and it all began.
-Munamies(Eggy) - Pomppufiilis (Bouncy Feeling) plays-
Bounce me, bouncy me!
Bounce me, bouncy
Hih!
Out of a house the famous klezmer band, Jumping Jews of Jerusalem, hopped to the beat with their instruments at full blast, carrying the joy of music in their orchestra. Munamies bounced like basketball and sang,
"Up n' down n' in n' out, let's
make ourselves go round n' round!
Smiling faces, brand new places
I can hardly touch the ground!-"
He bunnyhopped wildly around the hesitant playboy, who was thinking thinking, WTF!
"-Everybody bounce with me
Anyone can reach the clouds!
Everybody bounce with me let's
make ourselves get out of bounds!"
"Welcome to Finland!" Then the chorus roused joyously:
"I got me a bouncy feeling,
Don't throw me to the wall and
turn me [in]to a modern painting
I got me a bouncy feeling,
I'm jumping to the ceiling, ceiling, ceiling!"
The perky klezmer tune caused him to dance to the beat. His feet carried him to this joyous beat.
"Up n' down n' in n' out let's
make ourselves go round n' round!
Sun is shining, keep on jumping,
happy people all around!"-
More people from around the happy land came in to join this frivolous procession, including a Werhmacht soldier and his officer marching flamboyantly with small frilly umbrellas and an entourage of Bavarians dressed only in boots and skimpy, tight lederhosens.
-"Some may say I look just like an
Fat 'n' bouncy ping pong ball!
You can call me what you want
Just don't throw me to the wall!"
Following Munamies, he see Moomin jumping up and down as the Jumping Jews jam up the party power. Taniguchi followed the Elmo knockoff, followed by Moomin, a gay pride parade led by Swedenball, Hugo Chavez, Ernst Roehm and his homos, up a rainbow that lead to Tom of Finland's house in the clouds. On the lawn was some smiling, macho-looking policemen in very tight uniforms and very, homogay tight leather pants with suspenders with bulging crotches. They beckoned affectionately to the approaching party.
...
Taniguchi was lying on his bed and twitching with the goofiest, most airheaded smile on his face with the damaged packet next to him.
A/N: Enjoying my overly long story so far? Don't forget to give a review, if you're so inclined to. Now for reference/credits storm: Tell me, is Tommy Wisau's The Room that terrible? Be sure to watch Nostalgia Critic's review of that movie. Mark and Execute was entitled after the ability introduced in Splinter Cell: Conviction and the chapter was mainly inspired, of course, by Auzzie Gamer's Let's play of the game. For any PMMM fans out there, I brought in Kyubey, Teddybear Lucifer as caleld by Hitler himself. Fortunately, he did not take Imouto's soul and he was sadly turned into a suppressor by Kyon, a la No Country For Old Men. BTW, they're voice by the same person as Lucky Star's Kagami. Rika, being alcoholic, gave Satoko a Jello-shot made out of Jägerbomb, a bomb shot made from German digestif Jägermeister and Red Bull. The funeral had the Press F to Respects meme, derived from CoD: Advanced Warfare and that speech he made was derived from Venom Snake's(spoiler) speech he gave to quarantine victims in MGSV: TPP. Lucky Star gets mentioned again in another meta-reference in Darling's Anatomy in the LS OP theme (no points for guessing what British sitcom the entire skit was made from, no points where the Jumping Jews of Jerusalem came from too). Full Metal Nightmare was mainly inspired from the part where Private Pyle murdered his senior drill instructor in Full Metal Jacket, just so you know.
But the last but not the least, Finland! The segment's title translates literally to "Oh no! The devil!" Contract the alternate title to an acronym based on the first letters. Try it~. The intro was a parody of The Polar Express, with late singer Esa Pakarinen replacing Tom Hanks and an early hit of his playing, Lentävä kalakukko, which means flying fishcock. Seriously. Invention in B minor - Wendy Carlos version could not be found anywhere. You need to watch casiotone1331's GMOD Zombie Happy Fun Time to listen to it (list of music found in his blog). Munamies is a character created by Finnish comedian Riku Nieminen and his very WTF hit, Bouncy Feeling (Pompufillis). Also see Tom of Finland(need some brain bleach), Nazi parody (uploader: herkkox's TUBE) and Re: Nazi parody (korppuT)by comedy troupe Kummeli, from their Musavisa skits.