Bilbo groaned and fought the urge to bury his face in his hands. This was a disaster. An absolute disaster. He would almost have preferred to be facing down Smaug again rather than endure the looks that the inhabitants of Hobbiton were currently giving him. He might say that he didn't care what they thought about him . . . but despite his, decidedly, unhobbit-like tendencies he was still a Baggins and this . . . it was too much.

When he and Thorin had come in from the garden the others had been too quiet. He should have known then that they were planning evil. He had been suspicious when they had offered to do his dishes once more and was thankful when Frodo declared that he would do them instead. It wasn't that he didn't want the dwarves to help, but he remembered what their idea of "doing the dishes" had consisted of and Frodo was looking decidedly ruffled and he wasn't sure that the lad could handle the sight of flying crockery—even if the dwarves didn't break anything.

And then Frodo had suggested that perhaps the dwarves would like to help Bilbo with the grocery shopping. Bilbo's suspicion had increased with this suggestion and the dwarves' enthusiastic agreement to it. He wasn't sure what they had planned, or what his nephew had to do with it, but he knew that in all the times that the dwarves had come to visit him they had never even once come to the market with him. He should have forbidden them from coming. He knew, even then, that no good would come of it, but Frodo had looked so happy at the prospect of a little peace and quiet that Bilbo couldn't make them stay. He remembered just how overwhelming they could be en masse if you weren't used to them and even though Frodo had been here when they had visited before, he had generally been asleep or out of the house for most of their visit and there had never been so many before.

"Fine," Bilbo had said with a shrug. "You can come. Just try not to make nuisances of yourselves." Little had he known that with those words his fate had been sealed. After the dwarves had taken bets on who could cause Frodo to faint the most and how many times it would be they had decided to broaden their horizons, so to speak. They knew that Bilbo and Thorin intended to go to the market and devised a plan to get themselves included in this little trip. Their goal was simple: shock as many hobbits as possible during the trip and see if what Bilbo had said about hobbits being fussy and prudish was true.

They had left Bag End and had started right away making lewd jokes that had even caused Bilbo—who had traveled across Middle Earth with them and was quiet used to how dwarves behave—to flush slightly at the tips of his ears in embarrassment. Once they came to more habited parts, they toned it down a bit, trying to see how little it would actually take to scandalize "normal" hobbits. They were disappointed when all it took to get the first scandalized squeak from a hobbit was Dwalin saying that he missed his wife and couldn't wait until he could get home to her and "receive a proper greeting" and that Bilbo and Thorin were lucky that they did not have to wait if they chose not to.

"That's one nice thing about not having a wife," Bofur had replied slapping Dwalin on the shoulder. "I can receive a proper greeting wherever I go." Dwalin laughed while Balin murmured in agreement seemingly ignorant of the stares that were being cast their way. The hobbits within earshot—with the exception of Bilbo who was pinching the bridge of his nose with his eyes squeezed shut—covered their mouths and looked at the dwarves and Bilbo with wide eyes.

"Well I never," one woman muttered scandalized as she covered the ears of the hobbit boy with her and ushered him away from the dwarves—who he was looking at with awe. He had never seen a dwarf before. What the dwarves didn't seem to realize was that they didn't need to resort to bawdy humor to shock the hobbits: their mere presence was enough. Even though they were only lightly armored and armed, most hobbits had never seen anything like them before.

Even though all the residents of Hobbiton had heard Bilbo's story and knew that rumor had it that he still entertained the dwarves that he had quested with, no one really believed it. It was like the rumor that Bag End was filled with tunnels that were full of gold. It was interesting and made for good gossip, but no one truly thought that was the case. There were even residents that said that Bilbo had never gone on an adventure but had moved to Bree for a year and that all the money he had was his inheritance from the Old Took. And to see Bilbo in the company of not one but four dwarves . . . they had been shocked even before the dwarves had opened their mouths.

And opened their mouths they had! After Dwalin's statement and Bofur's reply things had only gone downhill from there. They three of them were now discussing the relative merits of marriage and bachelorhood. And despite the rather . . . carnal nature of their discussion and the embarrassment it caused the hobbits, they found themselves oddly entranced by the discussion. Some of the things that the dwarves were describing the hobbits hadn't even known were possible. They had drawn quite a crowd at this point which only seemed to spur the dwarves to further heights – or deeper depths of depravity as the case may be—to try to get at least one member of their impromptu audience to faint.

"Please," Bilbo begged grabbing Thorin's arm and looking at him with desperate eyes. "Do something to stop them. Please!" Thorin sighed. He wasn't sure that even he could stop them now that they had truly gotten going. But he would try.

"That's enough," he snapped just as Bofur started to go into detail about one of his conquests—a male conquest at that. "You are among civilized folk now. That kind of talk might entertain around a fire or in a pub—and perhaps not even there in the Shire. As Bilbo told you last night—though you should have known before, having traumatized him so many times on the quest—hobbits do not discuss these things in polite company. But whether or not they would discuss such things after a few pints at the pub, this is a market. There are women and children. How would you feel if someone was discussing this in front of your daughter, Dwalin? There are children here younger than her. This is not the place for this discussion. If your only reason for coming here was to scandalize the hobbits, then return to Bag End. If you intend to help us then be silent and do so."

The dwarves at least had the grace to look ashamed at their action. They hadn't thought about the fact that there were children. Their aim had only been to have a little fun and they had figured that even though hobbits were prudish they might at least find it entertaining. As they looked around at the disturbed faces that surrounded them—varying in color from tomato red to ghostly pale—they realized that they had made a mistake.

"We're sorry," Balin said refusing to meet Thorin's eyes. The king raised an eyebrow and gestured at the crowd.

"It was not me that you offended," Throin said regally. "It is not me to whom you owe an apology, but rather to them. And if you do mean to go through with your plan I would suggest that you give it to them. Their goodwill will do much to aid you in it." Turning to face the crowd the dwarves offered them a deep bow.

"We apologize for our words," Dwalin said quietly. He had never thought that he would live to see the day that he apologized to a crowd of hobbits.

"We forgot where we were and who we were among," Bofur added feeling thoroughly shamed by Thorin's words. He hadn't meant to say things that aught not be said in front of children with children present. Even though he didn't have them, he had close relatives that did.

"We ask your pardon," Balin finished. At their apology the hobbits were more shocked than they had been by their words, if it was possible, and mumbled a few acceptances before the crowd dispersed and went about their business though there was still mutterings about crude dwarves and the mad Baggins that had brought them to the market.

ooOO88OOoo

The rest of the trip to the market went relatively smoothly. There was one tense moment where Bilbo and Dwalin got into an argument over the hobbit's choice of cheese. The dwarf had tried to put the cheese Bilbo had chosen back because "it was moldy" and Bilbo had resolutely returned it to the basket he carried and paid the hobbit selling it.

"Civilized my arse," he grumbled under his breath thinking that Bilbo would not be able to hear. "We would never dream of eating cheese that had gone moldy."

"That is where you draw the line?" Bilbo asked incredulously turning to face the dwarf and ending up nose to chest with him. If Bilbo hadn't have been so angry, Thorin would have laughed at the image they presented, Bilbo—whose leg was not as big around as Dwalin's arm—bowing up to the dwarf and attempting to intimidate him. As it was, Thorin knew that he needed to calm Bilbo before he started a fight that he couldn't win.

"Loudly discussing sexual acts in the market is civilized behavior but Aulë forbid we try to eat blue cheese!" Bilbo yelled glaring up at the warrior. "I swear! Dwarves are the most infuriating creatures in the entirety of Middle Earth!"

"I doubt that's what you said last night," Dwalin replied with snide smile. Bilbo opened and closed his mouth a few times, his face colorless at the shock of Dwalin saying such a thing where anyone at all could hear . . . it wasn't that he was ashamed of his relationship, but what Dwalin had said was not true. Once his shock faded it was replaced by anger. His hands balled into fists of their own accord and even though he knew that he stood no chance against Dwalin in a fight, he was prepared to take a swing at him. Even the dwarves that had not been intimate with Bilbo knew that Dwalin had gone too far this time and were prepared to step in a stop bloodshed but Thorin beat them to it.

"Let's just take a step back a breath," Thorin said in a soothing voice as he stepped between them. He had seen that expression on Bilbo's face before and knew that no good could come of it. He knew that the hobbit was just angry enough to do something rash and stupid. And Dwalin might be smiling in amusement now, but he knew that if Bilbo managed to draw blood there would be a fight that no one could stop. No. He had to stop them before it came to blows.

"I don't want to breathe," Bilbo replied murder flashing in his eyes. "I want to finish this discussion on civilized behavior, and perhaps demonstrate what passes for uncivilized behavior here."

"Then you will have to go through me," Thorin said simply in voice that was much calmer than he felt. He hated stepping between Bilbo and something he wanted to do, but he could not stand by and watch the man he loved pick a fight he couldn't win. If Dwalin hurt him . . . Thorin didn't want to think about how things would go from there but he knew that the resulting brawl would traumatize the peaceful hobbits more than the lewd discussions of the others ever could.

"Move," Bilbo snarled, his voice hard and so unlike him that it made Thorin's heart clench. When had Bilbo become so angry? He knew that the hobbit was stressed, but there seemed to be more to it than that. There was fury there that Thorin had never seen before, even when Bilbo had gone to battle. Where had it come from?

"No," Thorin replied trying to keep his confusion out of his voice knowing that when he got in one of these moods that any sign of weakness only prolonged it. "I am doing you a favor, Bilbo Baggins. You and Dwalin can finish this discussion later, once you are both calmer."

"I'm perfectly ca—" Dwalin began only to cut himself off at the icy glare that Thorin gave him over his shoulder.

"Bilbo," Thorin said in a gentle tone placing his hands on the hobbit's shoulders and leaning down to look him in the eyes, "It's fine. It really is. We know what happened last night and that is all that matters. Let them speculate and allude. We know the truth."

"They shouldn't speak on things that are not their business," Bilbo snapped glaring at Dwalin around Thorin's shoulder.

"No," Thorin agreed. "But they will. People always talk. You told me that once. Remember?" He watched as Bilbo's face softened at the memory and allowed it to surface for him as well.

It had been right after the two of them had gotten together in Beorn's home. The company had been discussing the relationship between the two of them and speculating about which of them was being taken by the other. Their talk had angered Thorin—who felt that it was none of their business who was doing the taking or if there had even been any taking—and he had been preparing to put an end to it when Bilbo had placed a gentle hand on his arm and smiled up at him shyly.

"Let them talk," he had said. "If you try to stop them it will only make them want to talk about it more. Besides, I don't mind. I kind of like the fact that they don't actually know but are curious enough to try and guess even if they are being a bit nosey." Thorin had sighed and sat down next to his lover once more.

"I can't believe they have decided that you are the one doing the taking," Thorin grumbled his pride wounded that his company thought that he would submit like that. "As if that could be the case."

"You never know," Bilbo said with a coy smile as he stroked one of Thorin's braids. "We should give it a try some time. You might like it." Thorin had laughed at the idea at the time. He was a king. He did the taking, not the other way around. Even though he knew that it was something that would never happen he had said nothing of the sort to Bilbo at the time.

At the reminder of his own words Bilbo seemed to deflate. He didn't offer Dwalin an apology, but the strange light that had been in his eyes faded and once more it was nothing more than a tired old hobbit with sad eyes that stood before Thorin. A single tear escaped his eye at the reminder of a time when things had been so much simpler and they had been so happy together. Thorin gently wiped it away with his thumb and felt a sad smile cross his face as Bilbo leaned into the touch. They both knew that they could never go back to that time, but perhaps they could reclaim something of it.

At the sound of a throat being cleared, the two of them jumped apart—only just realizing how close they had actually been to demonstrating some of the behavior that the others had been discussing. They glanced around them and realized that they had drawn a crowd once more and that this time they were not staring at the dwarves, but at Bilbo. The hobbit blushed under the scrutiny of his neighbors and made a show of straighting his clothing—though nothing was out of place—before he cleared his own throat.

"Um . . . I think that is enough shopping for now, don't you?" Bilbo asked looking at the dwarves hopefully. He hoped that they would agree and return to Bag End. If there was anything they had forgotten they could always send Frodo back. He hadn't made a public spectacle of himself twice in one day.

"We just need one more thing," Balin said looking at Bilbo with what was almost pity. He knew that the poor hobbit was having a hard time reconciling the two separate lives he had led into one. He had never tried to do it, but he had lived among men for a time and had known dwarves that had. Very rarely could the two pieces be fit together neatly. For the first time he wondered if it was a good idea for them to move to the Shire after all. As Thorin had reminded them frequently, dwarves and hobbits had very different mores and traditions. What if they could not find a way to make them mesh? He pushed the thought aside. Little that was worth doing was easy. This would be no different.

"Please tell me that it is close," Bilbo replied pinching the bridge of his nose once more.

"It's on the way back to the house," Balin replied turning and beginning the process of making his way through the amassed hobbits. It wasn't a difficult task since they seemed reluctant to be in his way and moved to allow the dwarves and Bilbo to pass.

"This has been the most stressful week of my life," Bilbo sighed to himself. "I don't see how it can get any worse."

"More stressful that when you crept into the den of Smaug the Terrible or hid in the palace of the Elf King?" Bofur asked genuinely curious. He hadn't realized that they ranked above those two events in stress causing ability and was both proud and ashamed that the same time.

"They do not even begin to compare," Bilbo replied exasperatedly.

"I know of something that can help you to relieve stress, Master Baggins," Dwalin offered with a wry smile at the hobbit. Rather than reply Bilbo began rubbing soothing circles in his own temples to combat the headache he could feel coming on. "Helps with headaches too," Dwalin added.

"Let them talk," Bilbo heard Thorin whisper and looked up helplessly at the dwarf who offered Bilbo a smile before threading their fingers together and continuing the walk home. Bilbo smiled at the realization of a desire that he had had for ages that he and Thorin could walk hand-in-hand through the Shire. He was so pleased, in fact, that he did not hear the birth of a rumor about the relationship between Mad Baggins and a strangely polite dwarf begin to spread through the market.

ooOO88OOoo

There we are all a new chapter. It'll be the last one for a little bit. I'm going on vacation next week and will have very limited internet access or computer time . . . but things will still be percolating and I should be able to get a long chapter up either Friday or Sunday of next week. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this one.

I would like to say thank you to everyone who read this chapter and to everyone who has added this story to their alerts or favorites.

And a special thank you to those of you who reviewed!

That's all for now folks. I hope you enjoyed it and would love to hear what you thought so leave me a review if you have time and/or feel so inclined

Stickdonkeys.