He opened his mouth to begin but found himself stopped in his tracks by her shaky voice. "Did you sleep with her?"
He flinched at those words as his hand tightened on hers. "Of course I didn't. What do you take me for?"
The shock in his voice was clear. Did she really think him that weak-willed that he would risk everything he had with her by jumping into bed with his ex-wife?
But he had come so close to doing so, hadn't he?
She wouldn't look at him, she couldn't look at him. Not until she'd heard the truth. "Please, Horatio. Don't lie to me….if you slept with her then just tell me."
Her words were filled with sorrow and he could see her bottom lip tremble as she bit down on it, willing herself to remain in control of her emotions. Letting go of her hand, he cupped her face gently and spoke in as reassuring a voice as he could. "Calleigh, look at me please," he begged as her eyes remained downcast. He lifted her chin with a finger as her eyes finally met his. ""I swear to you that I did not sleep with her."
His eyes remained locked on hers the whole time he spoke and she knew that he was telling her the truth, but surely something had happened between them to cause such a strong reaction in him yesterday. "Did you want to?" she asked quietly.
He let out a deep breath, Calleigh had asked him a question he felt impossible to answer without hurting her. She deserved to know the truth, of how close he had come to losing control completely and making one of the biggest mistakes of his life. But he had realised what he had been doing before it was too late and had pushed Lori away, surely that would count for something when he finally admitted the truth to Calleigh?
But how could he put into words the emotions that his meeting with Lori had uncovered, how feelings he believed had been buried forever had risen back to the surface? How could he possibly make her understand just how confused he'd been recently, as he tried to slot two different lives into one single existence? Things were such a mess at the moment, leaving him unsure of who he was or how he truly felt, had he needed to kiss Lori in order to convince himself that Calleigh was the woman for him?
"Horatio, just be honest with me….please," she begged as her eyes returned to her lap. He let her face go and rubbed a wearied hand over his own.
"We spoke about what happened…" he began before his voice died out.
"In New York, when you were married?"
He nodded his head. "And what transpired after that."
"When you were undercover?"
"Yes. She was angry with me, perhaps rightly so. I did a lot of things back then that I'm not proud of," he finished quietly as he clasped his hands together tightly in his lap, feeling his recently-healed left arm complain.
"You had no choice, you had to do it."
He let out a small, humourless laugh. "Lori doesn't tend to see things that way, only what's good for her." He gave Calleigh a quick glance before he continued. "I tried to make her understand that I regretted every single moment that I lied to her…..and the other people that I cared about. I had to make her see that she wasn't the only one who had been hurt by what happened."
She took it better than I expected….she told me that she forgave me for what I did...and that I could stop fighting."
She could hear the relief in his voice as he spoke of the events of the day before. She knew that it had been something that he had been searching for since this whole sorry saga had begun. He needed to know that the people in his past understood why he had betrayed them, forgiveness from Andy alone had not been enough to soothe his troubled soul.
He'd deserved to hear those words from his ex-wife, after all of the bitterness and pain that he had been through, it was such a small concession for her to make and it had obviously meant the world to Horatio to hear it. A small part of her felt slightly jealous that no matter how much care and love she had showered him with, it was within another woman's power to give him the emotional relief that he had been looking for.
She told herself that she was placing unreasonable expectations on her lover, his past was something that he simply had to come to terms with, and no matter how much she had wanted to be able to go back in time and show him that he wasn't alone, she was unable to. Nothing she could say or do would help heal the wounds of the past, the right to do so was in the hands of another woman.
She had seen the way that Laura had looked at him and was under no illusions that her forgiveness had come at a price. From all that she had heard about the woman from Andy, she was aware that Laura often did not do anything unless it served a purpose to her. Had she given Horatio her forgiveness in return for something else?
"What happened?" she asked quietly as she heard him sigh deeply again as his breath forcefully left his body through his nose.
"Calleigh….there's no point…."
"Tell me."
They sat next to each other on the bed as the silence spread into a yawning chasm, it was a good thing that neither of them were dressed, at least it would spare them being able to storm out on each other should they hear something they didn't like.
"It felt like such a load had been lifted from me when she said those words. I hadn't realised how much I'd needed to hear them…..it was as if my legs couldn't hold me up any longer. She held me to her and I wept…..I wept like a baby."
The bitterness in his last words spoke volumes to the work he still had to do in order to get back to the Horatio she had once known. Although he'd taken great strides, his self-confidence was shaky at best. Had Laura sensed his vulnerability and taken advantage of it….of him?
"She told me that it would all be ok….that the past was forgiven. I finally felt as if I could move on but she…."
"She what, Horatio?" She knew what he would say next and did not want to hear it, yet she had to. She had to know what his ex-wife had put him through, they wouldn't be able to move past this if they didn't.
"She kissed me."
His voice was barely a whisper, the shame evident in his tone as he hung his head. He raised his right hand in a fist and put it to his mouth, screwing his eyes shut as he waited for her reaction. He'd been a complete bastard, he had betrayed the trust Calleigh had placed in him, he would never be able to make it right again.
"What did you do?" her voice was equally as soft as his had been at his shameful admission.
"I froze," he admitted as he let out a pained sigh, whichever way he cut this, Calleigh would end up getting hurt, it was the last thing he wanted to happen, but he owed it to her now to explain as best he could. "It was just all too much to take in….I couldn't make sense of anything and her touch…..it reminded of me of everything I had and lost….all the people I hurt back in New York."
He reached out blindly for her hand, still not able to look at her for fear of seeing the pain that he was causing her. He felt overwhelming relief when she didn't pull away. "I wish I could make you understand how hard this is….how difficult it's been to try to put everything back together again….how hard it is to know who I am anymore."
"I do understand, Horatio. I've been there every step of the way with you." There was no accusation in her voice, only silent disappointment.
He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. How could he make her see how difficult this was for him?
"I know you have, Sweetheart. I know how difficult I've been to live with these last few months, believe me."
"I understand, Horatio," she repeated. "Just tell me what happened."
He really didn't want to be doing this. After everything he had suffered, why was he being made to cause Calleigh so much pain too?
"I got lost in the moment for a little while….what she was offering, it seemed so inviting. It was so tempting to want to go back to a time when things seemed so much simpler. I let her kiss me….until I realised what I was doing was wrong and that I was hurting you. I swear, Calleigh…..I never wanted to hurt you."
Still she sat by him as he gripped her hand tighter, she made no move to break the contact, but she refused to look at him either. "I broke away….I told her that what we were doing was wrong and that I didn't care for her that way anymore. I got as far away from her as I could….but she just kept coming for me, Calleigh…..She kept trying to convince me that she was sorry and that she still loved me. You were right, Sweetheart…..I should never have met up with her…..I'm sorry."
"Did you want to sleep with her?" she asked the question again so quietly that his heart ached to hear the pain in her voice.
"Calleigh…."
"Please, Horatio…..I need to know."
How could he tell her without breaking her heart? How could he tell her that he was still waging an internal battle in his heart and mind as to who he really was anymore, was he John or Horatio, or an amalgamation of them both?
Yet he'd started this by telling Calleigh that he needed to meet up with Lori in the first place, he had begged her to trust him, and he had betrayed her, he had so nearly fallen for Lori's capricious charms. But he'd pulled away and threw her out of his house, surely that counted for something?
He rubbed at his eyes tiredly as he consigned himself to defeat, his admissions would push Calleigh away for good, but perhaps that was no more than he deserved.
"She hounded me," he finally spoke. "I tried to push her away….believe me, I tried." His eyes conveyed the regret he held in his heart for his part in yesterday's events. "But she just kept coming and part of me…..part of me wanted to forget, just for a few moments, how complicated things have become. She kissed me again and I lost my senses…..I couldn't stop her…..I knew what she was doing...and yet I couldn't stop her."
The despair in his voice was evident as his breath hitched noticeably a number of times. "All of those feelings I had for her….they came rushing back and I couldn't stop it….I couldn't stop her. But I knew it was wrong…..I knew what we were doing was wrong, that I was wrong. I pushed her away again….I got as far away as I could, but she still kept coming. I yelled at her to leave….to leave me alone and go back to New York, but she wouldn't listen. God…..I was so angry with her….with myself, with what we'd nearly done….I wanted to lash out at something...anything….I knew that if I couldn't make her back off and leave me be….I knew…..I knew I'd….I wouldn't be able to hold back any longer…..I couldn't take anymore….I almost….I wanted her to leave me alone. Why couldn't she just let me be, Calleigh?...I swear to God….if she hadn't left when she had…..I don't know what I would have done."
His voice broke at his shocking confession. In all the years that she had known Horatio she had never once thought of him as anything but a kind and gentle man, certainly not the kind of person who would ever raise his hand to a woman. But it was becoming more apparent that recent events had changed the man before her more than she realised, he was still so emotionally vulnerable and his ex-wife had used his weakness to her own gain. Laura had obviously stirred up some deep-seated emotions within him for Horatio to admit that he'd even considered wanting to hit her.
"Would you?" she asked finally, afraid of his answer.
The question seemed to take him by surprise. "Would I what?"
"Would you have hit her?"
She could feel his shock at her question. "Of course I wouldn't. Is that what you think of me?" He buried his face in his hands, distraught to think that Calleigh would consider, even for a moment, that he could be capable of such a thing.
But she'd had to ask, his emotions were unstable at best at the moment. He'd been through such a traumatic experience that it was no wonder his behaviour and moods had been so erratic. For years, she and the team had placed Horatio on a pedestal, believing that he was some kind of invincible superhero, that he was not affected by the traumatic events that he had suffered. He had always seemed to be like a Timex watch, taking a licking and keeping on ticking.
But his resilience had finally run out on him as his past and present came crashing down on him so forcefully that it had left him helpless in their wake. She and the team had been confronted by the fact that Horatio was just as human as the rest of them, if not more so. He felt emotions much more deeply than any of them had realised, he'd spent years hiding it so well until his physical strength had been brutally torn away from him. Without that strength, he had been unable to hide his human frailties and the team had seen first-hand just how vulnerable that had left him.
He'd begged her to let him do this, she kicked herself that she hadn't tagged along too, but he'd needed to do it alone even though he knew the risk he was taking in doing so. Alexx had been clear in her words yesterday as they echoed those of Horatio, she needed to let him stand on his own two feet and make his own choices. And so she had, but look what had happened. His ex-wife had attempted to sink her claws back into him and had nearly succeeded in tempting him to betray the woman he truly loved.
He had been manipulated by Laura, almost tricked by the lure of a life he once had. She had known what he'd been through, and that he'd been vulnerable, and used it to her advantage, not caring about the devastating consequences it could have on the relationship he was currently in. She was hurt and disappointed by what had happened, yet she wasn't surprised, she had expected as much when she had let him go yesterday morning. She had prayed then that he would make the right choice and return home to her, and he had. He had pushed Laura away and chose a life with her instead.
Her anger should not be placed at Horatio's door, he had gone into a situation that he knew might not end well but had done it for the sake of his relationship with her. He had risked everything he held dear in order to have some chance at a future with the woman he loved. He had been aware that she would have been well within her rights to leave him, yet she couldn't. She couldn't blame him for wanting to find some kind of peace in the nightmare that his world had become, there was still so much work that he had to do in order to put his life back together.
Until now, most of the hurdles he had faced had been with his physical recovery, each time he had faltered then she had not left him to his own devices to suffer, she had held on to him tighter and given him the strength to move forward. Now was no different, now would be the hardest and most painful journey of all. The road to forgiveness would be treacherous and hard, filled with many blind turns along the way. Yet it was a road that she had promised that she would not let him travel alone, when things got tough, she would not turn her back on him at the first sign of trouble. She would stand by his side, weathering the storm with him, letting him know that he was not alone.
He needed her strength and understanding, what had transpired with Laura had not been his fault and in the end he'd had the courage to turn his back on his past and chose a future with her. It would not be easy to build that life together, but she was in no doubt that she had been right to gift her heart to a man as noble as Horatio, they would take the hits and keep on moving despite them.
She had no reason to be angry with him, it had obviously cost him a great deal to be as open and honest with her as he had, knowing that he would be risking all that he held so dear by doing so. He'd done it though, once more he'd shown how selfless he was when it came to the needs and wants of others. He'd risked it all….for her.
She gently peeled his hands away from his face and was dismayed to see the tears brimming in his eyes, she cupped his cheeks gently as she spoke to him. "Look at me, Horatio."
His eyes refused to look anywhere but at his lap.
"Look at me," she repeated, more firmly this time.
He couldn't do it, he knew what was coming. He knew that she would tell him that it was over, that he was no longer welcome in her home. He'd drag his weary body from her bed and be forced back into a house that seemed so cold and lonely. He didn't want to hear what she was about to say.
"Look at me, Horatio. Please." Her own breath hitched and this time his eyes met hers. "Thank you for being honest with me."
He nodded his head sadly, waiting for the punch line that he knew was coming. Her next movement caught him by surprise as she leaned in and placed a tender kiss on his lips. "I love you," she whispered against his mouth.
He pulled away slightly, "You should hate me, I betrayed you."
"No you didn't, I could never hate you…..I love you. Kiss me, please?"
He didn't understand why she had given him a reprieve, but she had. She should hate him right now. Why wasn't she righteously angry with him instead?
As her lips touched his again he told himself not to look a gift horse in the mouth, he'd admitted his weaknesses to her and yet still she held firm, refusing to let him go. If he'd had any doubt before, he was sure of himself now that Calleigh was the right woman for him, she always had been. Why had it taken him so long to realise that?
One look in her emerald eyes and he could see the love she held for him, complicated and damaged as he was, she loved him despite it all. He could hold back no longer, his hands went to her face as he matched her kiss with one of his own. Her hands began to roam his chest and back as he made short work of the shirt of his that she had been wearing. Now was the time to show her just how much he did love her as he laid her gently down on the pillows and began losing himself in the moment, taking his time to make sure she knew how very special she was to him.