He drove away in the Hummer, his mind elsewhere as he pulled out back on to the main road and towards Jeff's office. The last few days had been something of a nightmare, his meeting with Lori had been nothing short of a disaster as he came dangerously close to losing the one good thing he still had left in his life.
If he thought that a handful of sessions with a therapist would fix him, he was sorely mistaken. Things were still in so much of a muddle, to the point that he was no longer sure who he was himself. He had tried so hard to be the Horatio that his team and friends needed, yet it was becoming ever clearer to him now that he wasn't.
He'd wanted so badly to give in to his desires with Lori, for one moment, to be able to forget the world around him and do something for himself. Thank God he'd stopped himself in time though, he had almost committed the biggest mistake of his life. Lori had proven time and again that she would be no more than a fair-weathered lover, leaving him alone when he needed her the most, tiring of his emotional needs.
Calleigh had stuck by him through everything. He'd been vile to her at times as he struggled with his physical and emotional limitations. Yet no matter how he'd treated her or how harshly he'd spoken to her, she had remained by his side throughout.
Why then, was he so tempted to give in to his lustful feelings for his ex-wife? He had known that what he was doing was wrong, yet a part of him wanted to do it anyway, consequences be damned. But that wasn't who he was, or was it?
The truth was that he just didn't know anymore. Things had become so confused, his past and present mixing together and coalescing, changing him into someone he barely recognised anymore, aware that his moods were changing as easily as the strong autumn winds.
Calleigh deserved better from him, even when he admitted his unfaithfulness, she had refused to believe that any of it was his fault. That was a naïve notion in the least, and he knew it. He wasn't powerless against Lori, even though he tried to convince himself that he was at the time. He knew what he was doing was wrong, and he wanted to do it anyway. It didn't matter that Calleigh accepted his indiscretion, there were no two ways about it, he had betrayed her.
He might have pulled away from Lori before they had become truly intimate, but the damage had already been done. He felt no more than lust for his ex-wife, and in his heart he knew that he loved Calleigh, body and soul.
But he was the problem. He was broken, fractured, a casualty of his past and present. How could he ever truly give himself to Calleigh when he didn't even understand who he was anymore? He needed time and space to work things through, time away from his well-meaning friends as they pushed and prodded him to reveal his deepest feelings. The trouble was that he had spent so long denying the fact that he had any feelings, and he was now unable to comprehend the myriad of emotions that were hitting him from all sides.
No, Calleigh deserved better than half a man. She deserved someone that was whole, complete. He wanted so badly to be that man for her, but to do that he would need distance. Wouldn't he?
He glanced in the rear-view mirror distractedly, his mind churning with the alien emotions that he was struggling to assimilate into something he could understand. There was something familiar about the red SUV behind him, though he paid the vehicle little attention as he pulled into the parking lot where Jeff's office was situated, killing the engine and resting his head on the steering wheel, hoping for a few moment's peace before he would once more be cajoled into talking about his feelings.
The paperwork that came with being the head of the Crime Lab would not be something that she would particularly miss when Horatio finally resumed command of the team. For every report or file she signed off on, another dozen were dumped on her desk. How the hell did he ever keep up with this side of the job while still spending so much time in the field?
She was hopeful that Horatio would soon return to his rightful position as shift supervisor, things were slowly coming together for him, or so she thought. She'd been wary of allowing him to take the lead on the Fernandez murder, yet his words of a few nights ago lay heavy on her mind.
The time for mothering him was over, he needed to gain that sense of independence that was so important to him, how would he ever do that if she never let him out of her sight? He knew his job back to front, of that there was no doubt, yet there was a small voice in the back of her mind that told her that not all was as it should be with the man she loved. His moods and behaviour lately had been unpredictable and erratic at best, was it a mistake letting him take control of such a high-profile case?
There would be time for post-mortems and recriminations later, she'd made the decision to let her broken little bird fly the nest, all she could do now was stand back and hope that she'd made the right decision.
She had spent so much time staring down at the desk that her neck and shoulders were starting to complain at the rough treatment they were being subjected to. Rolling her shoulders and tilting her head from side to side provided her with little relief, perhaps an injection of caffeine would help, she decided, as she pulled herself up from the desk and left the office.
The break room was quiet for once, she was glad of the peace and quiet and the absence of the strange stares that people had been giving her recently. Rumours of her relationship with Horatio had spread like wildfire since their meeting with the Chief, and even though the man in charge of the Department had given them his blessing, she still didn't want her private life being the subject of office tittle-tattle. She'd had enough of that to last a lifetime, especially when it came to her relationship with work colleagues.
John Hagen had been her first high-profile dalliance with a work colleague, a relationship that had ended in the most horrific of ways. The troubled detective had killed himself in front of her, shooting himself in the head and leaving her with the gruesome image of his lifeless body forever imprinted on her mind.
She'd fallen hard for Jake Berkley too, yet his fitful ways and erratic behaviour began to grate on her after a while. But that was the nature of his job as an undercover officer, his work often took him away for weeks or months at a time, forcing him to do things that he might not have otherwise wanted to. But Jake saw his work as little more than a game, a game where his life was the highest of stakes. He seemed to get off on the thrill of impending danger, risking himself time and again to once more get that high, that rush of adrenaline that proved to him that he was still alive.
She had tried so hard to love him, yet she could never accept the way he so needlessly risked himself, she could no longer bear to lose another person she loved. When she had called time on their relationship he had seemed shocked and disappointed, yet it didn't take him long to get over it, as he once more slunk back into the shadows and the cat and mouse lifestyle that he so adored.
From one emotionally immature man to another, she found herself in a relationship with Eric. Although it was true that he had grown considerably since she had first met him, there was still something about him that screamed at her that he was not ready to settle down and give her the life that she had yearned for so long. Eric's shooting, and subsequent recovery, had caused him to re-evaluate just what it was that he wanted from life, and he had convinced himself that what he wanted was Calleigh.
They had always been attracted to each other, of that there was no doubt, but the flames of passion would only last for so long before they would die down to nothing but embers. Although they had both tried, neither of them had it in them to put the effort into keeping their love alive. They had come to the joint decision that perhaps they would be better off as friends.
She told herself that she should have learned her lesson by now, yet here she was embarking on another relationship with another work colleague, this time, Horatio. There had always been something between them since they had first met, they had denied themselves the chance to explore their feelings until now, and she told herself that, unlike all those other workplace romances, that this one would be different.
The hot coffee felt good as it slid down her throat and into her stomach, she closed her eyes and revelled in the momentary bliss that it provided, enjoying the solitude of the moment. It was not to last for long though, she heard a distinctly female voice shouting in the hallway outside. Fearing the worst, she placed her right hand on her gun holster and opened the door to the break room quietly, not sure of what she would find on the other side.
"I don't care where you think he is. Get him here now!"
The voice was strong, harsh even, as the woman raised her voice, the New York twang in her accent noticeable as she stood with her hands on her hips, facing down a harried-looking Paula on Reception.
"As I said, Miss, Lieutenant Caine is currently out in the field, he's not available at this time," the receptionist stuttered as she tried, and failed, to regain her composure.
"Well then make him available….and don't call me Miss!"
Poor Paula was being eaten alive by the fearsome woman, she recognised that hair and that voice from a few days previously. Now was the time to intervene, she hadn't gone looking for trouble, it had come looking for her. Horatio would just have to accept it that this was one fight that she wasn't going to back down from. This woman had come to her turf, making moves on her man, and she was not going to stand for it any longer. This woman had brought the fight to her, and now she was going to get what she deserved.
She stepped out into the hallway, striding purposefully as she crept up on the woman who was still intent on tearing a strip off of poor Paula.
She cleared her throat loudly as she stood tall behind the woman she barely knew yet knew she hated. "Is there a problem here?" she asked as she planted the most sincere smile on her face that she could manage. The temptation to smack the bitch in front of her into next week was almost more than she could bear.
"You," the woman began, her face marred by an ugly sneer.
"Yes, me," she replied evenly, "Why don't we take this into my office?"
He eventually mustered the energy to drag himself wearily from the Hummer, making his way slowly to Jeff's office in the high-rise building. As he climbed the stairs, he felt the crushing inevitability of what the therapist would tell him in regards to his recent behaviour. He already knew the truth, he just didn't want the other man to verbalise it for him. There was a sense of finality as he walked slowly along the hallways until he found himself standing outside Jeff's office suite.
This was the big one, the session that would finally confirm what he had been trying to run from all along. He spent countless minutes standing outside the glass frosted doors, trying to summon up the courage to face the man that would put his worst fears into words for him.
Pull yourself together! he chided himself as he took a deep breath and opened the door, plastering a smile on his face for the sake of the therapist's kindly young receptionist, Sally.
The expression soon faltered, his eyes fell upon her tear-stained face as she looked up at him momentarily before holding her head in her hands once more. Tucking his sunglasses into the top of his shirt, he made his way quickly over to her, walking around the raised oak desk and crouching in front of her. "Sally?" he asked gently as he tried to make eye contact with her.
She looked up at him briefly, before returning her gaze to the floor. "Sorry, Mr Caine. Please just give me a moment…..I'll be alright," she sniffed as she attempted to wipe the tears from her face, mascara had run down her cheeks in two sad rivulets, a clear testament to how upset she seemed.
He pulled a white cotton handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to her, folding one of her hands over the other to ensure she took it. "You don't look ok, Sally," he said gently, momentarily forgetting his own problems and concerning himself with hers. "Has someone upset you?"
She worried at the cotton material in her hands, fiddling with the handkerchief as she took a deep breath to compose herself. She was setting an extremely bad example to the emotionally needy client's that required the services of her boss. Weeping like a small child was hardly the best advert for his capabilities as a psychologist.
"I'm ok, honestly," she replied after taking a few hiccupping breaths, forcing the tears that remained to stay put in her eyes. She would not cry in front of this man, he had enough to deal with already without her burdening him with her problems.
"Does Dr Pearce know that you're this upset?"
His words were so gentle, his voice felt like a calming influence on her as he knelt before her, giving her that concerned look that made her feel just a little bit safer. She hardly knew him, yet she knew that he was a good man, empathy and understanding rolled off of him in waves as he looked at her with those deep blue eyes. Those eyes spoke volumes to the man that owned them, his was a face that bore the physical reminders of the pain and suffering that he had endured, his eyes held a pain not unlike her own.
But she would not burden this good man with her problems, his load was already too heavy and he was already struggling to bear that weight as it was. Get it together! she screamed at herself as she swallowed back the last of her misery. "Please don't say anything to Dr Pearce…..I'm fine, honestly." She gave him a watery smile and rolled her office chair back a foot or so, placing some physical distance between her and the man that she felt drawn to. He was so like Jeff, in the fact that she knew she felt safe with him…accepted.
He frowned at her warily. She certainly didn't seem ok, her red-rimmed eyes belied the strong image she was trying to convey as she busied herself with adjusting her makeup, trying to hide from the world the pain that she was feeling. Still, he couldn't force his will upon her. Like you did with Calleigh? the negative voice in his head taunted him.
He slowly pulled himself to his feet, his knees protesting slightly at the movement as he smoothed his pants back down and returned to the other side of the desk, resigned to the fact that Sally would not divulge whatever it was that was upsetting her so. It pained him not to be able to help her, whatever it was, surely he could help?
He reached into his jacket and pulled out a small white card that was in pristine condition and handed it to her. "If someone is upsetting you…..I might be able to do something about it, Sally," he told her in the most soothing tone he could muster. "If someone's threatening you….making you feel uncomfortable….just give me a call. I'll be straight there, ok?"
"Thank you, Mr Caine. It's not necessary, honestly," she responded as she tried to hand the card back to him.
He shook his head, "Keep it, Sally. You might need it one day." He smiled at her, trying to reassure her that she had at least one person on her side. Something about this young woman was vulnerable, he found it bringing out the protective instinct in him. Someone or something was upsetting her, and it ate at him that she would not tell him why. One look at her face told him that she was a good person, there was juts something inside that indicated that she was genuine.
She placed the card in her purse after a few moments, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment as she became aware of what a state she must have looked when the redheaded police officer entered her reception a few moments before. "I'm sorry for my unprofessionalism, Mr Caine," she said quietly as she avoided making eye contact with him.
"Nonsense. And it's Horatio, remember?"
She couldn't help matching his small smile with one of her own as she nodded her thanks to him as he sat down in one of the waiting room's chairs. Should anybody walk in at that moment, they would not have known what had just transpired a few moments before. The tall stranger seemed to understand that she didn't want to be made a fuss of, she had regained her composure and he was happy to say no more about it. Certainly not to Jeff anyway.
Yet she knew he was a seasoned police officer and would not be fooled by her weak protestations that everything was ok. He kept shooting her those small furtive glances as he sat across from her, his elbows resting on his knees as he clasped his hands tightly together. He could help her, he was a law enforcement officer after all. No, she would not burden him with her problems, he already had too many of his own. Maybe later, she told herself as she once again found his soft blue eyes looking at her in puzzlement, as if he were trying to figure out by body language alone what it was that was bothering her.
She cleared her throat and began to fiddle with items on her desk, trying to find even the most menial of tasks to distract her from the man across the room. Never had she been as glad to hear her boss's door open as she had just then. It was with a sigh of relief as she heard Dr Pearce's deep voice resonate across the large open space that encased the therapist's waiting room.
"Horatio, glad you could make it."
Jeff's voice was another that somehow made her feel safe. In all the years that she had known him, he had never once judged her or chastised her less than sensible actions when it came to herself and her safety. He had only offered her acceptance and understanding, yet she couldn't bring herself to reveal to him what it was that troubled her so.
"Jeff," her kindly benefactor replied as he pulled himself up to his full height. Striding across the room, he gave her another concerned gaze before he entered the therapist's office. As the door closed quietly behind the two men, she had no doubt that the kind stranger would ask her once more as to what it was that had unsettled her. It would be up to her to keep him from discovering the truth as best she could.