Jeff regarded his client quietly, casting furtive glances to the red-headed man as he busied himself preparing the coffee. The subdued gentleman was as distracted as he'd ever seen him in the short time he'd known the police lieutenant. Horatio continued to sit there, elbows rested on his knees and his head slightly bowed, giving the impression that he was completely lost in his own thoughts.

He brought the coffee mugs over to his desk and placed one in front of his visitor. "Here," he said as he pushed the ceramic mug further toward the other man, "You look like you could do with it."

Horatio lifted his head briefly and gave a small smile before his shoulders sank even further down than they had before. It looked as if he were carrying the weight of a thousand men on his shoulders as he sat there, staring at the carpeted floor.

"You look troubled," Jeff observed as he took a sip of his coffee, wincing when his tongue registered just how hot the beverage still was. He frowned as Horatio continued to keep his gaze to the ground, unable or unwilling to respond. "I take it the meeting with you ex was a difficult affair?"

The therapist allowed a small smile to cross his face as he saw his client's immediate response to his line of questioning. He'd hit a nerve, that much was obvious. "Tell me how it went," he prodded, knowing that Horatio would open up of his own accord.

"I'd rather not," was the sardonic reply from his reluctant client.

"That bad?"

Horatio let out a deep sigh. "In a word…..yes."

"How so?" He could see that his repeated questioning was irritating the other man. Good, he thought, that's the whole point.

"She wasn't best pleased to see me," Horatio began, only to be cut off.

"You've told me that before. Now tell me the real reason."

The two men stared at each other for a number of minutes, like two bulldogs fighting over the same chew toy. Jeff was experienced enough to know that men like Horatio were tough nuts to crack, sometimes they needed a bit of firm motivation to open up and reveal their fruits. Skirting around the issue and playing nice with a man as stubborn as the lieutenant would be a pointless exercise, they would just spend hours going around in circles, avoiding what it was that they were trying to achieve.

At least he had strength and emotional stability on his side. Jeff knew that his tired client was likely to crack before he was. It was just a case of waiting the other man out, waiting for that tired sigh to emanate from his fatigued body. It wasn't long in coming either.

"We talked a lot about the past….about what happened," Horatio muttered finally, fiddling with the sleeve of his shirt with his right hand, occasionally running his hand over the support brace that he wore on his left arm, another reminder of what had been done to him. How he had been left broken and fractured by the Malucci's and their sadistic games.

"Did you come to an understanding?"

He let out a small, humourless laugh at that. "She screamed and shouted at me a first, told me how it was all my fault. I tried to make her see…..make her understand why I did those things….that I had no choice."

"And did she understand?"

He looked up briefly before he answered, another deep sigh coursing its way through his body. "She said she did. Then she told me….." his words trailed off as he closed his eyes, remembering how magical those three small words sounded when she finally uttered them.

Jeff watched his client quietly for a number of moments, seeing the tension drain visibly from his body as Horatio relived some kind of memory in his mind. "What did she tell you, Horatio?"

"She told me….."

He waited, knowing that Horatio was having a hard time putting into words what had happened. He'd never known the man to ever be lost for words, whatever his ex had said, it had likely been something monumental to leave him this unable to articulate what he had felt.

"She told me that it was ok. That she forgave me…She told me that I didn't have to keep fighting anymore."

"And I can see from your reaction that it meant a lot to hear those words from her. How did you react?" Jeff watched as Horatio again closed his eyes. He could see the emotional barriers coming back down as he studied the man's face, the tension making a visible and instant return to his body.

"I felt relieved," Horatio replied, taking himself by surprise with his honesty. "I'd waited so long to hear that….I needed to hear it." Jeff nodded his head and allowed him to continue. "She was standing so close to me and when she said it…..when she said those words…..it was like someone had knocked my feet out from under me."

The therapist nodded as Horatio looked up at him, hoping to find understanding in Jeff's expression.

"She just held me there…I couldn't move. I didn't want to move."

"Tell me what happened next." He already knew the answer, he just needed the stubborn man in front of him to admit it out loud. He watched as Horatio rubbed a tired hand over his face, the man looked absolutely drained. They couldn't stop though, Horatio had to face what had happened in order to move past it.

"I cried," he spoke finally, as if the words sounded distasteful to him. "She held me while I cried like a baby."

"There's nothing wrong with crying, Horatio." Jeff smiled as he was rewarded for his comments with a fearful glare. "You've been carrying around a heavy burden for the last twenty years. There aren't many men who could've turned their back on everything they knew, make the people around them think he'd gone rogue and live a life like you did. You did all of that alone, with no one to help you. It's no wonder that you reacted in the way you did. Forgiveness is a huge part of what you're looking for…..a huge part of what you need."

"I'm not looking for anything," Horatio shot back quickly.

"You are, you just don't realise it yet," Jeff replied evenly as he watched his client slow his breathing to a more sedate pace, allowing him to calm in his own time instead of forcing the issue. Men like Horatio would not be pushed by anyone into doing something, they would only clam up tighter if tested. Horatio would begin again when he felt comfortable enough to do so, it was just a case of waiting him out.

"When she held me…I remembered how things used to be, how different life was then." He paused as he pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Back in New York….I knew what it was that I wanted….what I was going to do with my life. Then things got….."

"Complicated?" Jeff suggested after a lengthy pause, fairly certain that his client was not going to finish the sentence himself. He saw Horatio nod his head silently a few moments later.

"Things spun out of control so quickly…..and no matter how hard I tried…..things just kept getting more convoluted….more twisted with each day. My life just turned to chaos and I couldn't control it…..I tried…God…..I tried."

"And then your past came back to haunt you?"

Again, Horatio nodded his head, but kept his gaze to the floor, absent-mindedly worrying at his shirt sleeve. "I lost everything that I thought I knew….suddenly everything was alien…..All I knew was how I felt back in New York. Things were so much simpler then…I didn't have to constantly fight myself every day…..Things were easier."

"And you wanted to return to that, to those feelings?" Jeff's tone held no hint of accusation, just a level of calm understanding.

"Yes," was the solemn reply.

"Tell me what happened with Laura," the therapist prodded again, being mindful of keeping his voice quiet and even. He watched with interest as the man before him began to tense noticeably once more. "Horatio, you need to face this."

"I'd closed my eyes…..and then she…." he trailed off again, unable to complete the sentence.

"What did she do?"

Horatio let out a frustrated sigh as he shot a filthy look at Jeff. "You already know what she did, I can see it in your eyes!"

"I need you to tell me, Horatio."

Jeff watched as his client waged an internal battle with himself, the emotions flickering across his face like clouds in front of the sun. Horatio wanted to deny those complex feelings, but in order to truly move on, and gain an understanding of who he really was, he would need to face them.

"She…..she," he began before faltering again. He took a shuddering breath and made one last attempt. "She kissed me," he finally admitted, feeling his cheeks colour in shame. He'd betrayed Calleigh, betrayed the woman that he'd claimed to love. He sat there waiting, waiting for Jeff to tell him what a complete bastard he was for doing such a thing to her.

"How did you react? Did you respond in kind?" Again, there was no hint of reproach in the other man's voice, only a willingness to understand.

Horatio held his head in his hands, unable to look Jeff in the eye as he admitted what a callous thing he had done. How could he have ever contemplated getting involved with Lori again?

"And now you feel bad about it?"

Horatio's head shot up at that question. "Of course I do! Calleigh's done nothing but love me and this…..this is how I repay her?" He sounded disgusted with himself, and he was. How could he have done such a thing to his sweet, beautiful angel?

"Do you love Calleigh?"

The question was simple, he didn't need to think about the answer. "Of course I do."

"Do you love Laura?"

He blinked in momentary confusion, caught off guard by the question. He'd hesitated, why had he hesitated? The answer should have been simple; he didn't love her anymore, he hadn't for years. "I don't know," was his honest answer when he finally spoke. "What do you think?"

Jeff gave his client a sad smile. "It's not my place to judge your feelings. I will, however, hazard a guess as to why you feel so confused."

"Go on."

"I don't think that you're still in love with Laura, more the notion that she represents something you once had….something you once were. You're in love with the idea that you could go back to a simpler time, when you were younger….when things were much less complicated than they are now. It's not Laura that you want…it's the innocence of your past….the innocence that was taken away from you."

Jeff watched as Horatio looked at him warily, seeing the cogs whirring away in his harried brain as he digested what he'd been told. The tension soon began to leave the man's body as the fight in him drained away. Jeff sat back in his chair and watched Horatio physically sag further and further into his own.

"You understand." It wasn't a question. Just a simple statement of fact.

"Of course I do. I don't think you realise yet just how much emotional trauma you have to deal with. You're confused right now, and rightly so. All of those feelings you had back in New York have been thrust right back into your consciousness, you can't just turn them off and pretend that they don't exist. You're stuck somewhere between what John thought and felt and the new identity you carved out as Horatio."

"But Calleigh…."

"Does Calleigh know what happened with Laura?"

Horatio nodded his head sadly once more. "She does."

"And how did she react?"

He closed his eyes at the difficult conversation he and Calleigh had shared only yesterday. It had been a harrowing experience, as he was forced to deal with emotions that still seemed so bizarre and unnatural to him. What was worse was the fact that he had been confronted with aspects of his personality that shocked him, the things he could be capable of, and it didn't sit well with him.

But Calleigh had not rejected him, she hadn't thrown him out of her house, hurling his paltry belongings after him. She had sat there and listened, she had understood and accepted his transgressions. But how could she?

"She told me that it was ok…..that it wasn't my fault. But it was though…..I played my part in it….part of me wanted to sleep with Lori."

"But you didn't?"

Horatio shook his head. "No, I didn't," he replied quietly. "But I was so tempted though…..Lori….she just kept on and on…..She told me that we could go back to the way things were…..I wanted so badly to just stop thinking…..I just wanted to feel...I wanted to be treated like the man I was...the man I used to be."

"After years of selflessness you just thought, 'Hey, why the hell not me?'"

"It's not like that," Horatio began.

"It's a very human response, Horatio. You've done so much giving that a part of you is yearning to take something back….just for once." He watched as Horatio looked at him incredulously for a moment or two. "You wanted something for yourself, there's nothing wrong with that."

"But I hurt Calleigh, I betrayed her," Horatio insisted, not willing to listen to what he was being told by the other man.

"Right now, you need to be concerned about what is best for you."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you need some time to figure out what it is that you want, where you want your life to be heading. Do you even know what it is that's driving you at the moment?"

He scowled at Jeff, not liking the answers he was being given. Yet he knew the session would turn out this way, he would be forced to face his conflicting emotions, to question his own behaviour, and he knew that he'd be found wanting.

"You know what happened with Laura was wrong." It was a statement, not a question.

Horatio ran a ragged hand through his hair, exasperated that Jeff had moved the goal posts so suddenly. "You just told me that you understood!"

"I said I understood, not that I agreed with your actions." Jeff kept his voice level, knowing that one false move could cause the situation to blow up and out of all control.

Horatio continued to stare at him, trying to intimidate him with his flinty gaze. "You were the one who told me that I should meet with her. I did what you said and now it's my fault?"

It was such a childish response, but one that was not unexpected. The man before him was being confronted with a few home truths, things that were hard to hear. Sugar-coating it would not do Horatio any good. He was a direct man, his comments commanded a direct response. "Nobody made you do anything, Horatio. You chose to meet with Laura, much in the same way as you chose to kiss her. You chose to let her almost become intimate with you again because a small part of you wanted to. You need to accept responsibility for that."

It was all a matter of maintaining that eye contact until his reluctant client finally caved and acceded the point. Moments ticked by as the clock on the wall kept the minutes of the now silent meeting of the two strong and forthright men.

"So what does that say about me?" Horatio finally asked, letting out a deep and wearied sigh.

"It says that you still have a long way to go. I think you need a little time and distance in order to get your head straight, I'm not sure you're going to be able to do that in your current situation."

"What are you suggesting?"

"I'm suggesting that you take some time out to assess who you really are and what it is that you want."

"And how do I do that?"

"You need to get away, Horatio. I mean physically away from Miami, from everything that holds you here at the moment. You need to be free to really understand what's happened and come to terms with it. You can't do that with all of these undue influences around you."

"But what does that mean? What are your trying to tell me?"

Jeff could hear that his put-upon client was growing increasingly frustrated by his responses. "I think you know what it is you need to do," he suggested quietly, ignoring Horatio's ire.

"I can't do that to Calleigh…..I won't." His words were assertive, he would not be swayed from his stance on this one.

"Horatio, you need to think about what is best for you….what's best for your relationship with Calleigh in the future. You keep saying that she deserves better than you….well, she deserves a whole you, someone who's at peace with himself. You can't give that to her if you don't know who you are."

"But she's done so much for me…..she won't understand…..she'll think that I don't love her."

"Maybe she will at first…..but she'll come to understand that you need to do this, Horatio. Right now, she's being too understanding and you're at risk of taking advantage of that good nature."

"I would never do that," Horatio shot back, galled by the thought.

"A whole and complete Horatio would never do that. You have to accept that part of you is still John Kelly from Queens. You need to find a way to bring both halves together to make some kind of whole. You can't live with two differing personalities waging war in your head, it'll drive you mad."

"But how will I know when that is?" Horatio sounded for all the world like a lost little boy. Perhaps that was the point, he was lost in so many ways. Like a map without a compass, his life had no direction at the moment. How could he ever see which was the right path to take if he couldn't focus on what it was that he wanted, on who he was as a man?

Jeff smiled at him, satisfied that his point had been heard and understood. "You'll just know."

He looked at his watch, surprised to find that the time had flown so quickly. "Horatio, let's call it a day now. We'll meet again the day after….."

Jeff never had time to finish the sentence, a high-pitched scream filled the air causing both men to freeze in place momentarily. The voice was unmistakably that of Sally, his beloved receptionist.