A/N: I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome a new writer to the boards, HoratioInsaneCaine. Please check out their profile and have a read of their first story. Thanks!
"H, I've been looking for you everywhere. Where have you been?"
"I had something that I needed to attend to, Eric. Was there something I can do for you?"
The Cuban regarded his brother in law, the detective in him was convinced that something was wrong with his long-time colleague and friend. "If there was something up, you'd tell me wouldn't you?"
"Indeed I would, brother," Horatio replied vaguely as he looked down to his sunglasses and back up again. "There's nothing you need to worry about…..it's being taken care of."
"You'd tell me if there was anything I could do?"
"That's correct; Eric…in fact, there is something you could do for me."
"Anything, you name it," Eric responded enthusiastically as he shot a quick glare Calleigh's way before looking back up at Horatio from his seated position.
"Whatever differences you have with Ryan…..leave them outside of the Lab. You're a senior member of the team and I expect you to act like it; don't make me regret placing my faith in you."
He felt momentarily crushed by his superior's criticism, not used to be spoken to in such a way and it had stung to think that the man he admired so much was disappointed in him. "I'm sorry, H," he replied quietly, feeling ashamed and embarrassed as he hung his head.
"I don't want you to be sorry; I want you to be the man that I know you can be. Now's the time to stand up and be counted, can you do that for me?"
Calleigh watched on in amazement as Eric nodded his head and left the office, suitably chastised by his superior yet in such a way that it served to make the man want to do better, to be better, instead of reacting angrily and sulking like a child. Whether Horatio realised it or not, there were clear signs of the leader and the man that they had all clearly come to rely on so heavily emerging gradually from the bitter shell that had been left behind all those months ago.
"How'd it go?" she asked as he closed the door behind him and walked towards the desk that used to be his.
"I'd rather not talk about it here," he frowned. "I was wondering what your plans were for tonight."
"Oh, I don't know," she replied coyly, taking heart in the fact that Horatio's earlier pensive mood appeared to have lifted a little. "I have this handsome man waiting at home for me, maybe he'll be kind enough to cook me dinner."
"Really, you think he will?"
She couldn't help the small tendrils of excitement that began to take hold in her heart. For so long their relationship had been serious and strained, a playful Horatio was something that she'd not seen for years. She'd missed the teasing banter they had shared more than she realised.
"He's a man of many talents, I'm sure he could come up with something that would take my breath away."
He cocked his head to the side as he regarded her and smiled. "As you wish, Ma'am."
After grabbing his personal effects, Eric sat in the locker room as he leant his arms on his knees. Horatio's words had wounded him deeply, yet they were true, that he couldn't deny.
Had he really been acting so childishly recently?
Perhaps it was because he'd felt the need to protect Horatio so desperately that it had clouded his judgement. His brother in law had been so vulnerable that he took it upon himself to be the man's protector until he could take care of himself, but when had the role of protector turned him into such a self-centred jerk?
In hindsight, he realised that he had intentionally made Ryan jealous, taking delight in the fact that he was granted access to see Horatio during his period of convalescence at Calleigh's house when many others were denied. It made him feel special that Horatio allowed him to see a side of him that he usually chose to keep well hidden, a fact that he was more than willing to make Ryan and the others on the team aware of.
Flashback. Miami 2 weeks ago:
"Where were you this morning?" Ryan asked as he looked up from the microscope he was using, Natalia working alongside him, as interested in her colleague's whereabouts as Ryan was.
"I had some personal business to attend to," he replied as he shrugged on his lab coat. "I heard it was a bad smash on the Freeway this morning. How many fatalities?"
"Seven at the last count," Natalia answered, placing her swab stick down as she spoke. "There's still at least a dozen more in critical condition at Dade Memorial."
"You guys need a hand processing?" Eric asked as he peered over Ryan's shoulder.
"Where were you this morning?" the shorter man asked him again.
His two colleagues looked at him expectantly, wanting answers as to his whereabouts earlier in the day. It would be pointless trying to avoid the subject, they were crime scene investigators, they'd work it out eventually. Even so, a part of him wanted to tell them anyway, knowing they would be put out that he had been granted access when they hadn't.
"I was taking Horatio to the hospital," he replied finally.
"What, is he alright?" Natalia gasped as her gloved hand shot to her mouth.
"He's fine, he's fine," Eric replied, smiling at his colleagues. "Calleigh was tied up here at the Lab and asked me to take him to his rehab session."
Natalia felt herself physically relax as Eric's words sank in; they'd all been in a heightened sense of panic for months now. In between Horatio being abducted, tortured and rescued they'd all had their fair share of moments when fear took over rational thinking. "Thank God for that. Any news on when he'll be back?"
The tall Cuban folded his arms over his chest and took a small sense of satisfaction that he knew more about their leader's state of health than they did. In Horatio's absence it made him the big man around the Lab and the go-to guy for updates on their superior's condition. It also didn't hurt that Horatio had been more open with him than he had with any other member of the team apart from Calleigh; the others had all been banned from the blonde woman's house whilst Horatio recovered from his injuries.
"Well, after only a week of rehab H says he wants to take his physical next week. Alexx says next month if he's lucky."
"But that's good news, right?" Ryan asked, "I mean, at least he's focused on getting back here."
Eric would have liked to agree with his teammate yet he knew that Horatio's moods, as well as his state of mind, were delicate at best. Some days would be better than others, today had been one of the better ones, and Horatio had seemed more upbeat about his progress than he had in weeks. All it would take was one poor day in the gym or pool with his physiotherapist and the small amount of confidence he'd managed to build would come crashing down around him.
It had always been Horatio's way to push himself too hard, the man seemingly never gave his abused body a break when he became focused on a goal. It didn't just become a target, it became an obsession to him as he drove himself past his own physical limits, not caring what affect it would have later on down the line. At least it had stopped the man from continually brooding the whole time, now that his strength and mobility were returning he finally had something to occupy his mind rather than his troubled past. Still, he couldn't help but get the feeling that they were just papering over the cracks. It wasn't just the physical wounds that would need healing.
Eric was roused from his thoughts by Natalia's voice. "You think he'd be up for some visitors? It's been ages since he's seen any of us."
There was a certain level of hope in her voice as she looked at him anxiously. Calleigh's words reverberated around his head as she told him repeatedly that the team visiting Horatio whilst he was still convalescing would be a bad idea. There would be no way that the stubborn Lieutenant would want his team to see him in such a position of weakness.
"Sorry guys, close family only I'm afraid. I'll let you know when you can though."
The words sounded smug even to his own ears, Natalia's face dropped as Ryan sent a scowl his way. Perhaps it was a bit mean to add the bit about family but he couldn't help himself, he wanted the others to know how tight he and Horatio were. They had been through so much, united by death and tragedy; they shared a bond that no one else could claim to. With his brother in law out of action, he felt it only right to assert his own authority over the rest of the team, taking it upon himself to keep the others in line until Horatio could return to take over the reins.
"We don't need any help in here, Delko."
Ryan's words were cool and devoid of any emotion as he turned his back on Eric and returned his attention to the microscope. Natalia had chosen to ignore him too, he refused to let it bother him as he hung his lab coat back up, leaving the room as he went in search of Tom Loman to get the latest post mortem reports for the fifteen-car pile-up that had occurred at rush hour this morning.
He shook his head as he made his way to the elevator, if the others wanted to act like kids just because they were put out that they couldn't visit Horatio then they'd just have to get on with it, he didn't have time for their childish games. Horatio needed him more than they did and he refused to let the older man down.
Present day. Miami:
How could he have not seen it at the time?
How could he have acted so childishly, putting his own needs and feelings before what was best for the Lab?
Horatio's words had found their target, he realised now what an asshole he had been to his colleagues and one in particular. He pulled his cell phone out of his pants pocket and dialled.
"Hey, Ryan. It's Delko, we need to talk. You wanna meet up for a beer?"
Opening the front door quietly, Calleigh found Moses and his beloved master sitting on the couch in the living room, both stretched out with their eyes closed. She felt momentarily disappointed that Horatio might have forgotten his promise to cook dinner, until she smelled the delicious aroma wafting in from the kitchen.
She almost didn't want to disturb them; Horatio had his arm wrapped protectively around the small cat. Protecting people was what he did, it was such a fundamental part of who he was that she doubted he even realised that he also did it in his sleep too. Both she and Moses had been fortunate enough to be wrapped in one of his embraces as they slept, never had she felt so safe and secure as she had in his strong arms.
Her hunger, and eagerness for dinner not to be spoiled, overrode her reluctance to wake the slumbering pair as she quietly crept over to them and placed a tender kiss on Horatio's head, smiling when he cracked an eye open to look up at her.
"What a lovely way to wake up," he told her in a sleep-filled voice before leaning forwards and planting a meaningful kiss on her lips.
"Have you and Moses been behaving yourselves?"
"We have," he replied as he picked the cat up gently and placed him on the floor, arching an eyebrow at the feline creature as it gave him a sour look and walked towards the hallway. "I thought you had a date with some handsome man tonight?" he teased as he sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.
"That depends on whether he's cooked me dinner or not," she retorted playfully as she shuffled closer to him, wrapping her arms around his neck.
"Well it's fortunate for you that he has; dinner is ready when you are, Ma'am."
During dinner Calleigh could not escape the feeling that her lover was holding something back from her. He'd been attentive to her every need from the moment she'd come back down to the kitchen from her much-needed shower. Too attentive, she felt.
The lack of eye contact, the stilted conversation over their meal. There was something that he wasn't telling her, he'd been the same way in the meeting with the Chief earlier in the day, looking as if he wanted to say something but feeling that he couldn't. It pained her to think that after all they had been through together that he felt that he could not be completely open and honest with her, although given her track record over the last few days she could hardly blame him.
He'd been angry with her for lying to IAB and involving others in her foolish plans too, but what made it worse was the fact that she had placed the reputation of the Lab at risk. They had weathered many storms there over the years but each time it was proven that the team and his Lab were beyond reproach, integrity was everything in the Lab, without that they had nothing.
Had it only been a few short days ago that he had told her that he was proud of her?
She'd agonised over her decision to remove him from active duty, knowing that it would be a blow to his shaky confidence, yet she made the tough choice anyway and made it when he couldn't. Her decision to deliberately mislead Internal Affairs had caused him to doubt whether she truly was the most capable CSI to lead the team in his absence, a fact that was becoming more apparent as they grew closer together.
Separating heart from head was one of the hardest aspects of leadership, there would be times when you would be called upon to make difficult decisions, choices that could make or break people's careers. He'd always been told to keep his personal feelings separate from his professional duties but he'd yet to find anyone who had been able to do that successfully.
He'd tried to keep his distance from the people he worked with; the nature of the job brought them together as family. It was impossible not to build working relationships with colleagues and even harder to not cultivate those relationships into meaningful friendships.
He had to remain emotionally detached when it came to making the tough choices as leader of the Crime Lab, perhaps his dark past had enabled him to do that better than most, he'd had to fire technicians and transfer personnel even when all his colleagues disagreed with his decisions. He took on the mantle or responsibility and took the heat so that others didn't have to.
There had never been a time when he'd had a reason to question Calleigh's objectivity when it came to the Lab; she'd been level-headed and calm in even the most frenetic of situations. He'd had no doubt that she would be able to make the tough choices when he was unable to.
It was starting to become clear that Calleigh lacked the ability to separate her feelings for him from what was best for the continued success of the Lab. She had risked everything on a stupid gamble and was fortunate that it had paid off...for now. If and when he decided to take the supervisor's position back there would be some difficult conversations that he'd need to have with certain individuals, conversations that would not make him particularly popular either.
If the chaotic nature of the last few months had taught him anything it was that perhaps he didn't know his colleagues as well as he thought he did. Calleigh had proved too emotionally involved to make rational choices when it came to him, Eric had acted no better than a spoilt child in his absence and Ryan had admitted that he'd done something that he knew his superior would not be happy with.
It had served to show him that these people were still in need of some guidance, his guidance perhaps?
The team had remained stable over the last few years and functioned well as a whole, it had only been when he'd been incapacitated that the wheels had come off with alarming speed. The team were in desperate need of direction, as much like him, they had been drifting recently, bobbing from crisis to crisis as their broken and battered ship was rocked by wave after wave of chaos.
It felt as if a fog was lifting, for too long he'd been clouded by his own bitterness and pity to understand what was going on with the people around him. Looking at the sorry state of affairs before him, he realised that he owed it to Calleigh, Kyle and the team to regain his emotional footing and bring back some of the stability to the Lab that it was so clearly missing.
"Are you ok, Horatio?"
Her soft voice roused him from his thoughts, placing down his cutlery on his plate he looked up at her. "A lot has happened recently, I'm having a hard time processing it all."
"You wanna talk about it?"
He nodded his head slightly before twisting the fluted glass on the table to and fro. "I need to meet with my ex-wife…..there are things we need to discuss."
"Ok," she replied warily, trying to keep her voice level.
"The way I left things in New York…..I owe it to her….and myself to deal with things once and for all."
Fear surged through her that he would suddenly decide that he no longer wanted to be with her and that he would want to return to the woman who had held his heart so many years ago. She'd seen it in the way she held him when she'd walked in on them the other day, it wasn't the way that friends touched each other; it was the touch of a lover.
Would he suddenly become confused in his feelings for her, perhaps realising that although he felt deep affection for her that he had confused that for feelings of love?
Did he love her for the care and support that she had bestowed upon him, loving her without truly being in love with her?
Having his past thrust so violently into his present had rocked him deeply; his loss of memory had taken him back to a time when he'd been a very different person, a younger and more carefree man who had deep feelings for a woman that wasn't her. Was he thinking of her when they'd made love the other night?
It wouldn't have been the first time that he'd been thinking of his ex-wife, unconsciously or not.
Flashback. 2 weeks ago:
"Hey, Cal."
She beamed at Frank as he stuck his head around her office door.
"How's Horatio?" he asked as he walked in, notepad in his hand.
"Good, the physical therapy is going well. He's getting stronger every day."
Frank gave her a genuine smile. "That's great news; I take it he's desperate to get back here."
"You could say that, I think he's had enough of sitting around doing nothing. He says he wants to take the physical as soon as possible, he won't listen to what Alexx is telling him."
The big Texan huffed. "That's Horatio for you, never did know when to quit. Damn stubborn fool."
There was no malice in the gruff detective's voice, only a tone of admiration with a touch of exasperation thrown in for good measure.
"You heading home soon?" he asked a few moments after they'd shared a knowing smile about Horatio and his infuriating capacity to march to his own tune, regardless of what others thought was best for him.
"I just have these reports to sign and then I'll be off." She picked up the stack of files to emphasise her point.
"You won't miss that side of the job will you?"
She gave her colleague a wry smile. "You can say that again, Frank." She stopped for a moment as a thought occurred to her. "Maybe I should leave these for Horatio and tell him he has a huge pile of paperwork to come back to, maybe that would make him less inclined to get back here so quickly."
"I knew there was a reason I liked you so much," Frank chuckled as he tapped on his notepad. "Anyway, no rest for the wicked. Give the hard-headed fool my best will you?"
"Sure, Frank. I will."
The house was silent when she returned home and it momentarily gave her cause for concern. Eric had reported in shortly after lunch and had assured her that Horatio had been returned home safely, albeit exhausted from his therapy session. It had made her smile when Eric told her how Horatio had even driven his physical therapist to distraction with his insistence on pushing himself and how he'd kept a close eye on him as he drove his brother in law home, parking him on the couch before setting him a coffee and a sandwich for lunch.
Horatio had growled that he didn't need anyone to make lunch for him but Calleigh had given her colleague strict instructions, knowing that Horatio would conveniently forget to eat unless he was pushed to. He was still frighteningly thin and had put on next to no weight since his release from hospital.
She returned home to find him asleep but sitting up on the couch, coffee consumed but only half of the sandwich eaten. It was something at least, the pain meds that Alexx had prescribed him often made him feel nauseous, she'd added another drug to his regimen in order to combat the sickness but to little avail, he was lucky if he could eat a decent meal without wanting to vomit it all back up a short while later.
His inability to keep food down had meant that he'd been advised to consume protein shakes three times a day in an attempt to rebuild some strength and give his immune system a helping hand with combating infection and every day illnesses in his weakened condition. He'd griped and groaned about drinking milkshakes but had done so under her watchful eye, making sure that he'd consumed every last drop each time.
The small black cat that she had rescued and adopted only a few days ago came sauntering into the room, weaving in and out of her legs and rubbing himself up against her, purring in the hopes of being given a treat. She'd never been much of a cat lover, yet there was something about this creature that drew her to it. Perhaps it was the fact that Moses reminded her of the complicated man currently asleep on her couch. Both of them were wounded soldiers, in need of some tender loving care and attention.
She heard him groan, wincing in his sleep as his head moved from side to side, a permanent grimace on his face. On closer inspection she could see the sweat glistening on his forehead as he began mumbling incoherently. She struggled to hear what he was saying and inched her way closer to him, wary that his reaction might be unpredictable and violent.
She had almost reached him when he shot upright, eyes wide open and bulging as he sat up and gasped for air. The name of one woman in his mind spilled from his lips, "Lori," he croaked as he looked up at her, still in the grips of his nightmare even though his eyes were open.
He looked at her with unseeing eyes, with tears spilling from them as he reached out in her direction. "Lori, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he sobbed as she pulled him closer.
It hurt her to think that a woman from his past was so clearly on his mind, she felt unreasonable jealousy at the fact that he was not dreaming about her, although judging by his reaction it had more likely been a nightmare than any kind of pleasant dream.
She put all of that aside as she pulled him to her and held him tightly as he slowly emerged from whatever unconscious torment he'd been stuck in this time. Kissing the top of his head lightly and mumbling soothing words in an effort to calm him. Time for reflection could wait, right now he needed her.