AN: Phew! And I've finally managed to upload chapter 5. I'm so sorry it took so long, I know I've promised not to take so much time uploading because I don't like making you guys wait but as you probably know, school started and it's seriously occupying lots of my free time. Now I've started to write the next chapters and be sure that I will keep writing further. Enough about me. This chapter is about 4000 words, not as long as the other ones, but I think it covers it all. Enjoy it and review!
I don't know where I'm at
I'm standing at the back
And I'm tired of waiting
Waiting here in line
Hoping that I'll find
What I've been chasing
"Jeremy! Jeremy, wake up," Elena cried out, squeezing her brother's arm. His body was convulsing and she couldn't tell if his chest was regularly rising and falling with breaths.
"Elena. He-he blacked out the second he walked through the door," Jenna cried out and in the next second she was pumping in Jeremy's chest, trying to get him to react.
"I'll call 911!" Caroline cried and shook her head in disbelief.
Jeremy was just a 13-year-old boy when his parents died. He should've had a normal, happy, teenage life but he had everything but that. His life has been on hold since the night of the accident. Whilst Elena tried to kill herself to find her peace, to stop living in pain, he tried to bury it in alcohol and drugs. Whilst for her school was the most important thing, for him didn't matter anymore. The only things related to school he did were his sketches, which also got him an acceptance letter to the Arts College.
He was destroying himself and that didn't affect only Elena. It involved Jenna and their friends as well. His life was more important than he thought, it was a shame that he was wasting it like that.
A couple of minutes later, the ambulance came and took him. Although Jenna was his guardian and she should've gone with him, Elena insisted to go herself. She had to be next to him in these moments. At the end of the day, it was her fault that he was like this. If she didn't leave the house that night to go to the party, her parents wouldn't be dead, she wouldn't have tried to commit suicide, Jeremy wouldn't have been an addict.
The next couple of hours were critical. The doctors wouldn't say anything to them as they were sitting in the waiting room, tears pouring from their eyes as they prayed for Jeremy to be all right. Whilst Jenna was sitting on a chair next to Bonnie, both crying, Caroline was desperately trying to reach Stefan on her phone. And Elena, she was just pacing, too shocked to even cry. She couldn't think about anything else but her parents and how much she wished they were here.
After Caroline shut her phone annoyed, the door of the waiting room opened and Stefan walked towards them, a somber look on his face. He looked like he hadn't gotten enough sleep, his hair was ruffled, he had dark circles and his green eyes were worn out.
"Elena, I'm so sorry," he walked past the nurses and got to her.
"Stefan," she nodded but he wasn't sure that she really was aware of his presence or it was just his voice that really made her believe he was in front of her.
"He's going to be fine," he pulled an encouraging smile on his tired face before moving to his girlfriend, who was now sitting a few steps away from Elena. She managed to push the blonde away before Stefan came, saying that she needs to think about things.
"Hey baby," Stefan pecked her on the lips and frowned, looking at her clothes. "What's with the black?"
"Quiet," Caroline hushed him, "It's a ritual. Whenever one of us breaks up with our boyfriends, the others have to wear black," she shrugged like it was the most normal thing in the world to do. "Baby, but Jeremy," she sobbed in his arms, while Stefan caressed her back.
"It's okay. He's going to be okay," he soothed his girlfriend.
Later on, when everyone seemed to be on the verge of a meltdown, the doctor walked through the door and stopped in front of Elena, who was frantically chewing on her bottom lip, her face pale.
"Miss Gilbert? Your brother is stable now. We had to pump his stomach," he said and a sigh of relief escaped Elena's mouth.
"Thank God. Is he awake?" she asked, looking over to Jenna, informing her that her nephew is going to be fine.
"Yes, he requested to see you," the doctor began but he couldn't even finish his phrase because Elena burst into Jeremy's room.
Tears welled up in her eyes as she saw her brother laying on a hospital bed, with an IV in his arm, pumping liquids into his body. He looked so innocent, like a child who had a playground accident. Only she knew that he was, indeed, an innocent boy. He had been through a lot his whole life but the fact that he was consuming drugs and alcohol didn't mean he wasn't the same Jeremy he had been 5 years ago.
"Elena," he called with a hoarse voice, his face turning to her. His eyes were red, inflamed and his lips were dry.
"Jer," the tears rolled down her cheeks as she ran to his bed and carefully hugged him. "Don't do this to me again, okay? I wouldn't survive if something happened to you," she cried, her tears wetting his white gown.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled, "I'm not touching any drugs for a while," he announced.
"You're never touching drugs in your life again!" she playfully slapped his shoulder before grabbing his hand. "I was so scared. I thought you were dying."
"I'm fine, 'Lena. I just want to go home," he said and yawned.
"I don't know if you can leave just yet. Come on, sleep, I'll be right here," his sister spoke and she smiled gently, inwardly thankful that her brother was fine.
"Weren't you moving out? Today, right?" Jeremy asked, his eyes threatening to close any minute.
"Yeah..." she mumbled. She totally forgot about that. She was supposed to move to her new place tonight, but she didn't care about it right now. All she needed was to be there, with her brother, making sure that he's fine.
"Go. Jenna's here. I'll be fine," Jeremy's voice was like a whisper but the color was almost back in his cheeks.
"No, Jer, I'm not leaving-"
"Elena, if you want me to feel better, go and do your thing. I'm not alone here. What else can happen?" he convinced her and pulled a weak smile.
"Thanks, Jer. I love you," she leaned closer and pressed her lips against his forehead before leaving.
Elena returned to the waiting room to see the relief on everyone's faces.
"How is he?" Jenna walked straight to her.
"He's Jeremy. He's fine," Elena smiled warmly. "I have to go move my things. You'll stay with him, right?"
"Of course. Sorry I can't help you Elena," Jenna apologized.
"You're doing enough, Jenna. I'll talk to you soon," she hugged her aunt before turning to Caroline, who, of course, was making out with Stefan in the corner like a teenager. There was no cure for her. Ten minutes ago she was crying her eyes out and now she was giggling and making out with her hot boyfriend in the hospital.
"You two, get off each other," she cleared her throat. "Are you going to help me move out?" Elena asked, setting her hands on her hips while waiting for an answer.
"Sure, let's go. Stefan has his car outside. He can help, right?" she gesticulated to Stefan who clearly didn't have the 'help my girlfriend's best friend move out' on his to-do list for the day.
"Of course," he smiled kindly. That man was either too good to be true or he was too in love with Caroline to disagree with her. Elena thought it was a little bit of both. She just smiled and walked out of the hospital, leaving the two lovebirds behind. She hated the fact that she had no one to kiss anymore, that she had lost the guy she loved.
"And that should be the last one," Elena said and put down the last box. Three hours later and they finally finished carrying boxes and unpacking as they went. If Caroline and Stefan hadn't been there to help her, she would've still been carrying boxes a week later.
"My back hurts. You owe me a day at the spa," Caroline winked playfully, pointing her finger in Elena's direction.
"I promise. I'll even go with you," she smiled and leaned against the kitchen counter.
"This place is nice. I guess it's pretty expensive," Stefan accounted.
"Actually, no, it's reasonable. I wouldn't have taken it if it was expensive" Elena shrugged and looked around. This was her new home. She liked it.
The apartment had two rooms, the living room and a bedroom, but that was enough for her. The living room was painted in a bright yellow, coordinating with the orange couch in the middle. She had brought her mini plasma with her and settled it on the TV stand. The thing that made the living room perfect was the round coffee table, made of mahogany. It was as gorgeous as the rest of the house.
When Caroline entered her bedroom, she immediately fell in love with the design. It was the perfect size. The wall the bed was on was featured dozens of color and the other three were cream-colored with nothing else on them. She couldn't say she was mad about the bedroom, even if it was the place she would spend most of her time in. It was more geared towards Caroline's tastes but she didn't have the money to redecorate now and somehow, it was girl-ish and inspiring.
The kitchen and the bathroom were pretty small and simply painted, the only difference was that the kitchen had marbled counters. The views were incredible. She could see the Brooklyn Bridge and the crowded streets. Elena enjoyed the urban agglomeration. When she was little, she had always dreamed to live in a big city like New York, in one of these apartments, standing at the window, looking at the people's maddening march on the streets and writing her stories.
"I don't have any food, guys. I can give you...mineral water or lemon water," Elena smiled awkwardly and took three bottles of water from her bag and gave Caroline and Stefan one.
"So now what? You just live alone?" Caroline asked, a judgmental look on her face. Two years ago, she received money from her parents to buy an apartment. She offered Elena to come and live with her but she refused, on the grounds that she didn't want to leave Jenna and her brother alone. Of course in that same day, she had found two girls from college to live with her. It was such a good thing for Caroline because she would have money from their rent while she finished college.
Elena nodded her head, not knowing what to say. "Yes. And I'll go to work. I'm an employed woman now," she said proudly.
Caroline was one year older than she was. She had graduated last year from the Arts and Design University. A week later, she had been hired as chief designer for a fashion company. She had always been the lucky one from the three of them. Elena and Bonnie had always had to work harder than Caroline to achieve what they wanted. Bonnie was the youngest of them. She was still a college girl, entering her last year.
"Yes, you are," Caroline squeaked. "Now you have to wear the clothes I design because you are going to be an important person at the office."
"I haven't even started, Care. I don't know how important I will be," Elena rolled her eyes.
"Hey baby," Caroline sat on the couch next to Stefan, who was just looking at the two of them, staying out of the discussion, "don't you think Elena should wear some other clothes? Like these?" she pointed to herself.
Elena rolled her eyes and her glance wandered to Stefan who was trying not to laugh while Caroline was pointing to all the things she didn't like about Elena's choices in fashion.
"I don't know, baby. I'm not a designer like you. I'm sure Elena knows better" he shrugged apologetically.
"Elena does not know better" the blonde insisted. Stefan's phone rang and he slowly withdrew it from his pocket. Caroline glanced at the screen and groaned annoyed.
Elena could only stare at them. They were talking about her like she wasn't even there. That was the power of Caroline Forbes. She could talk about someone and actually make them feel like it wasn't about them, like they were absent.
"I seriously dislike yours and Damon's relation. You are so co-dependent," Caroline rolled her eyes annoyed and turned to Elena who was swallowing mouthfuls of water so she could stop herself from yelling at them.
"Elena, seriously, don't you ever fall in love with a guy who's co-dependent with his brother. It's like you're haunted by him. Horrible," the blonde stuck her tongue out at Stefan who didn't say anything else. He probably agreed with her but he couldn't do anything about it. Eventually, blood is thicker than water.
"I'm sorry, I have to get this. He may need me" Stefan walked away and answered his phone, keeping a low voice while talking to his brother.
"I swear, I hate Damon!" Caroline snapped, flashing Elena her look that was scaring the shit out of everybody. "He always manages to take Stefan away from me, even when he's not around"
"I'm sure he doesn't do it on purpose. You don't know what it's like to have a brother, Caroline. You can be so selfish sometimes. You want him all for yourself" Elena explained, her voice serence and low.
"Care, let's go baby. I'm sure Elena's tired," Stefan said and got up off the couch, walking to the door.
"Why? Damon again. What does he want? I want to stay. I need to talk to Elena about her first day and-" when Caroline tried to protest, he simply hushed her and opened the door.
"Goodbye, Elena," Stefan said and she nodded shortly.
"Thanks, Stefan."
"Sweetie, call me if you need anything. Anytime. I love you," the blonde whispered and hugged her friend, knowing that it would be useless to protest anymore.
"I love you too," Elena replied and watched Caroline walk after Stefan.
Her head was going to explode. If Caroline had stayed in her apartment for 10 more minutes, she would've probably locked herself in the bedroom and hid under the pillows, or she would've kicked her out. It was like Stefan could read her thoughts because every time she wanted to get rid of Caroline, he came out with the idea to leave.
Elena had spent the next hour hanging up her clothes in the closet, this time with more care than when she was packing. She walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge, forgetting that it was empty. She got on a pair of sneakers and took her bag, heading towards the supermarket.
As she was walking through the aisles, she saw Dylan buying something that seemed to be their favorite ice cream. Actually, it was her favorite ice cream, Chunky Monkey, but she made him try it and he instantly fell in love. She wondered what was he doing there but then it hit her; he lived in Brooklyn too so it was obvious why he was shopping there. That meant that they would bump into each other pretty often.
That was a bad thing. If they were still together, she would be thrilled to live near him but knowing that she can't speak to him anymore, that she can't touch him, that she can't kiss him or make love to him anymore it made her heart ache and for a few moments she wanted to go back in time and accept his proposal. But then her mind would take over her feelings, making her believe that she had made the right choice, that she wouldn't have been happy as a married woman until she published her first book, until she discovered the perks of having a real life.
She pushed her cart further until she was standing next to him. If she ever had a chance to talk to him, it was then. He couldn't get mad and yell at her in a store, right?
"Hi," she mumbled, her voice shaky.
The moment he saw her he turned around and started to walk to the check out. He really hated her. She wasn't sure until now. He couldn't even look at her and not feel hate, that's why he was avoiding her.
"Dylan, please," she begged and reached for his arm, but he withdrew it immediately.
"What do you want, Elena?" he snapped, making her step back.
"I wanted to see how you were," she whispered.
A sarcastic laugh came out his mouth before he spoke. "Seriously? Can you not see how selfish you are? You wanted to end this. You ended it. Now leave me alone. Why do you want to torture me?"
"I don't. Dylan, I love you, okay? But I just can't get married now and you can't wait for me," she cleared her throat.
"That's right, Elena. I can't wait for someone who's not even sure what she wants from life. What if you life plan goes down and you won't be able to do anything you wanted to do? No book, no good job, no anything. What are you going to do then, Elena?" he questioned.
She never thought about that. What if he was right? What if she wasn't able to achieve any of her goals? She wanted to believe she could. It was the only thing that kept her going since the death of her parents. She couldn't stop believing that she was good enough for this. She trusted herself, she trusted her work and her potential. She wouldn't let him disenchant her.
"I don't, I-" she shook her head but she couldn't say anything else.
"That's what I thought. Goodbye, Elena. I hope you get all you wanted," he said and looked at her one more time before turning around. She stood there, frozen for a moment, before the wheels started to turn in her head again.
When she arrived back home it was late in the evening. She had just enough time to have dinner and then go to sleep.
It was so weird to eat alone. She barely ate any of the salad she had bought from the supermarket. While standing at the table in the kitchen, her thoughts wandered to everything that had happened that week.
At first it was her graduation. Everybody was so happy about her finishing as the valedictorian, they all wanted to celebrate. That night didn't finish the way she thought it would. Whilst she wanted to go home with Dylan, watch a movie and spend the night with him, she ended up being saved from being abused. If it wasn't enough, the man who saved her was the brother of her best friend's boyfriend. Besides the fact that he was very handsome, he was also intriguing and mysterious. And Dylan…she couldn't even think about him and not burst into tears. She broke him. She won't be able to forgive herself for that. And if all that wasn't enough, her brother ended up in hospital because of an overdose.
Elena lowered her head, putting her face in her hands. The node in her throat didn't let her breath and she could feel tears welling up in her eyes. Before she could hold them, she began crying uncontrollably and for the first time in years she wished she were dead.
She hadn't been afraid of death. All the times she tried to kill herself, she wasn't afraid of dying. She had thought that death was going to bring her peace. She didn't fear it. But now, even if she wanted to harm herself again, she couldn't do it. She had learned to live with the guilt and accept it as a part of who she was. It was what made her this strong young woman.
Too worn out to do anything else, she got into bed, turned on the light on her nightstand and grabbed her volume of Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere and began her evening ritual. So the strong women are always single? It was a subject that she wanted to study. That made no sense for her at the moment. Of course, she wasn't a strong woman, not yet but she wanted to think she could get there.
As she read further, she found out that some women try to be absolutely indispensable to everyone around them. Was that what she was trying to achieve? To make people depend on her? She wanted to think no. She couldn't be that selfish, could she?
And then there she was again, on the Do women not know what they want chapter, analyzing her relationship with Dylan. Ex-relationship, really. There were things that not even she could answer. Like, why would she want to experience the perks of having a good job and being a successful woman instead of getting married to an amazing guy who loved her? Sure, after her parents died, she swore she would make something out of her life and all her attention went to her studies, but was this the real reason? She trusted that she was right and she wanted to think that her choices were good, because if she would stop believing that, her whole world would come crushing down on her and all those years and the months spent in rehab would be for nothing.
She slowly drifted away, falling asleep with the book next to her and the light on.
Elena screamed as the car rolled over and landed upside down. She couldn't breathe; the air was knocked out of her lungs. She started coughing, trying to catch her breath but it was futile. As she started to feel asphyxiated, the tears started to well in her eyes. Calm down, she told her drunken self. Panic, that was what she was feeling. She glanced at the front of the car and felt herself grow numb again. Her dad was bloodied, stuck between the seat and the steering wheel. His lower body was crushed. Her mom was still in her seat with her eyes closed. Too still. Elena didn't have to touch them to know. They were dead. She was an orphan. Still, she leaned forward and tried her best to wake them.
"Mommy! Mom! Please, answer me!" Elena tried to shake the woman, but she didn't answer.
Elena kept crying, begging, pleading for her to wake up, but she didn't. She was all alone. She could feel her breathing grow rapid once again. What was she supposed to do? They were on the side of the road, miles from the highway. Who was going to find them? She started to openly cry and kicked her legs frustrated. Finally, her mom opened her eyes for a moment.
"Take care of your brother!" that's all she whispered before she was really dead.
She didn't have a choice, so she did the only thing she could have done. She screamed her lungs out, praying that someone would hear her.
Elena awoke to the sound of her phone ringing. She groaned as she searched for it on the bed. She glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It was 2:30 in the morning. She thought about Jeremy, who was at the hospital. What if he...? No, it was impossible, the doctor said he is going to be fine. She looked down at the screen and saw the photo of a blonde girl.
"Caroline," Elena cleared her throat and was about to ask her friend what happened, why she was calling so late in the night but she was interrupted by the girl's screams.
"I swear, I'm about to kill the Salvatores. Both of them." Caroline yelled into the phone, the noise was so disturbing that Elena had to take away the phone from her ear and hold it to distance.