He gawped at her for what seemed like an eternity, the expression on his face changing from dumbfounded shock to unimaginable joy. She was going to have a baby, his baby.
"You're…you're pregnant?" he asked hopefully, unable to keep the stupid grin off of his face. He'd been waiting months for this moment, was it too much to hope that it had finally arrived?
The smile on his face began to falter when he noticed Lori looking less than pleased at the fact that they might very well have a child on the way. Surely, when she'd married him she wanted to start a family just as much as he did?
She ran a hand through her hair, chewing on a fingernail on the opposite hand. "It's only been a couple of days. I won't know until I've been to see my doctor."
"Call them now," he told her excitedly. He wanted it confirmed as soon as possible so that they could start planning in earnest for the new arrival of their little family. There were appointments to be booked, a room to be decorated, baby clothes and toys to be bought.
"I can't. I have to get the briefing ready for the Hakasan trial; the DA is expecting it by the end of the day."
"Get someone else to do it," he replied dismissively, his mind centred on only one thing. The possibility that his wife might be pregnant with their first child.
"John, I can't. This is important." Her voice was firm as she went about doing up the buttons on her blouse.
"And our baby isn't?" he shot back, beginning to feel angry that she didn't seem at all happy that she might be pregnant.
"I don't even know if I am. Hopefully it's just the stress of the case that has made me late."
She couldn't have hurt him more if she'd taken a knife from the kitchen and stabbed him in the heart with it, as she poured bucket after bucket of cold water over his dreams of starting a family.
"Hopefully?" he echoed quietly as he shakily sat down on the couch not looking at her, his mind unable to comprehend the thought that she didn't want this just as much as he did. Why didn't she want a baby, was it because of him?
It seemed to dawn on her, what she had said, a few minutes later as she watched his shoulders slump in disappointment. She hadn't meant the words to come out the way they did, she had panicked at the thought of being pregnant and what it would mean for her career and her relationship with her husband. Would adding a baby into the mix just make their lives more complicated, and more to the point, was she even ready to settle down and start a family?
"John," she called out to him as she made her way over to the couch, feeling hurt when he shot up and stood in the farthest corner of the room. "John, please…."
He shook his head; he couldn't bear to look at her right now, knowing that if he did she would see the tears that were in his eyes. Had he misunderstood how she felt about him, was he really that blinded by his love for her that he'd not seen how much she didn't want his children?
"I have to go to work," he blurted out as he grabbed his suit jacket and made his way hastily to the front door of their apartment, slamming it shut behind him as his bottom lip began to quiver.
He'd been in a foul mood ever since he'd walked through the squad room gate this morning, the events of earlier still fresh in his mind as he stomped around the Precinct throwing death glares at anyone who dared cross him during the shift. Poor Greg Medavoy had been on the receiving end of one particularly barbed comment from him, that had been enough for his partner to take him to one side in the bathroom.
"Who's shit on your chips?" the burly older man asked him as he zipped his fly and walked over to the basin to wash his pudgy hands.
"Leave it, Andy," he replied as he followed suit, the scowl still a permanent fixture on his face since he'd stormed out on his wife this morning.
"No can do, kid. You're walking around here in a worse mood than my ex-wife on her period. What gives?" Andy prodded as he shook his hands of excess water before towelling them off.
He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as his mind cast back to the conversation he'd had with Lori this morning. "Lori's late," he said by way of explanation as he received a blank stare from Andy in reply. "For her…..you know…..time of the month."
The two men shared a look, Andy could sympathise with his young partner, women who were ovulating were more frightening and unpredictable than any other kind of person he'd ever come across in his career as a cop. "You'll have to spell it out for me, John."
He sighed dramatically as he placed his hands on his hips, frustrated that Andy was being so blind as to what he was trying to tell him. "She thinks she might be pregnant, Andy."
The more Andy thought about it, the more he couldn't understand why Laura being pregnant would be a reason to walk around the squad room with a face like a slapped ass. John and his wife were madly in love, any fool could see that. "And you're unhappy about that because…."
"I don't think she wants it," he replied quietly as he turned away and punched his locker with a closed fist, before resting his arms and head on the cool metal.
He didn't want to look at his partner right now, to see the righteous look on his face, the smug grin that Andy would wear as he told him that he had been right, that women were more trouble than they were worth.
His partner's reaction took him by surprise as the older man walked up to him and placed a gentle hand on his back. "I'm sorry, kid. That's rough."
The wounded little boy in him wanted to grab onto Andy and weep, but he refused to give Lori the satisfaction of seeing how deeply she'd hurt him. To bring new life into the world was the ultimate statement of love that two people could share, if she didn't want to carry his child what would that mean for the longevity of their relationship?
From the moment she had sauntered into the squad room, he knew that she was the woman for him, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, building a home and starting a family.
As the first flushes of passion dissipated and they began to settle into married life it seemed as if she was pulling away from him, putting her career ahead of their relationship. There were times when the atmosphere was so strained between them that he wondered what he was doing spending his time with someone as cold and thoughtless as her.
Perhaps his memories of his own parent's relationship had clouded his judgement when it came to his own. He had never once seen his parents have a fight; they never screamed or shouted at each other. They were devoted to each other and their precious son, a son who was too young and naïve to realise that no matter how much two people loved each other, there would always be an argument or disagreement along the way. His parents had bickered, that much he remembered, but they had always treated each other with dignity and respect, even when they were not seeing eye to eye.
He looked at Andy and was unable to fight back the hot tears that pricked at his eyes. "I thought she loved me," he muttered despondently as his gaze returned to the dirty linoleum floor of the locker room.
God, I'm no good at this kind of stuff, Andy thought to himself as he lowered his bulky frame onto the wooden bench a few feet away from the lockers that were lined up against the wall. "Of course she loves you, John."
"Then why doesn't she want my baby?"
There was no easy answer to that, every reason that he did come up with just seemed trite in response. He was older, but not necessarily wiser than his young partner, he'd been on this earth a lot longer than John, yet was just as clueless as he was when it came to the opposite sex.
Was it ever possible to know what went through a woman's mind?
To him, it seemed like they had a bizarre logic all of their own. The way that women came to decisions never seemed to make sense to him; they would irritate him, anger him and frustrate the living daylights out of him. They were the ultimate mystery to solve, but the further he delved into it, the more confused he became about them.
"Don't you think you're getting a little ahead of yourself? Has she been to see her doctor yet?"
He shook his head sadly as he looked at Andy. "She says she's too busy working on some case to go and get checked out." The bitterness was evident in his voice as he spoke.
"Maybe it's just taken her by surprise; give her a few days to get her head around it." He was grasping at straws and he knew it, but he would have done anything to ease the pain that his young partner was feeling right now.
He was about to open his mouth to say something when the beeper on his belt began chirping at him, he sent a small prayer up to the Heavens for the perfect excuse to bolt from the room to get away from Andy's well-meaning platitudes about relationships. His partner was hardly the type of man who was an expert on the subject, a man with a failed marriage, a son who hated him and a string of failed relationships behind him.
Andy watched him leave, shaking his head as John darted from the room holding his pager up. He was gone before he'd even had the time to tell him that sometimes life just didn't work out the way you wanted it to.
He'd done everything he could to avoid going home, but perhaps the four double whiskeys he'd sunk at O'Malley's were a mistake as he stumbled up the stairs towards the apartment, knowing full well that Lori would not be amused to find him in an inebriated state.
The image of the door lock swam before his eyes as he tried vainly to put his key in it several times. He'd almost succeeded in getting it in before the door opened suddenly, leaving him staring down a fierce-looking Lori.
She tutted at him, grabbing him by the lapels of his suit jacket as she dragged his sorry carcass into the apartment and shut the door forcefully behind her. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked as she folded her arms over her chest, clearly annoyed that he had not returned straight home after his shift.
"What do you care?" he shot back childishly as he awkwardly shrugged out of his jacket and attempted to throw it on the back of a chair only for it to miss completely and fall to the floor in a heap.
"Are you drunk?"
"So what if I am?" he replied haughtily as he weaved slightly, trying to lower himself down onto the couch. It was only when the cold January air hit him as he left the bar, that the full effects of downing half a bottle of whiskey made its presence known. His head was starting to spin as the room began to swim in and out of focus.
"How the hell do you expect me to bring a baby up when I'm stuck with an overgrown child like you!" she yelled as she raised her hands up in despair.
The anger had blunted his senses and clouded his judgment, all he could see were the red mists of rage, his deep-seated hurt that the woman he loved was horrified at the thought of carrying his baby. "Then why don't you get rid of it?" His voice was so loud that it caused Mr Thompson, their next-door neighbour to bang on the joining wall as he began yelling too, demanding that they keep the noise down.
She felt as if she had been slapped, had he really just said that to her?
She knew he was drunk, and that she had been the cause, but did he really mean that?
She could feel the anger radiating from him as he sat with his head in his hands, his body trembling slightly as all of the hurt and pain of the day began to seep from his weary bones, his body sagging visibly under the strain of holding him upright.
Fearing his reaction, she made her way slowly over to him and sat down, resisting the urge to make physical contact with him. "It's beside the point now…..I came on earlier today," she said quietly.
He said nothing as he nodded his head.
"I'm sorry, John."
"No you're not," he muttered under his breath, fully aware that she would be able to hear him clearly.
"Excuse me?"
"You're not sorry, Lori. You never wanted a baby in the first place, you're just glad that you don't have to go and get rid of it now."
He'd turned his head to look at her as he spoke and she had responded with a vicious slap to his face that left his cheek stinging. "Don't you ever talk to me like that again, you bastard!"
Tears were in her eyes now, partly because his words had cut her deeply, but partly because deep down she knew he was right. To think that she might have been pregnant had come as a huge shock to her, was it just the fact that she had been caught off guard by the possibility or was the truth that she didn't want to start a family with him?
She loved him, she was certain of that. She also loved her job and the career that she had worked so hard to build, was she really ready to give that up and become a stay at home mom?
Could she really tolerate being stuck indoors all day nursing the children, the only bright spot in her day being meeting the other parents in the park as they took their children out for some fresh air and a break from the monotony of raising their offspring?
Was she really ready for sleepless nights, feedings and nappy changes on a daily basis, for years on end?
He had wanted to take care of her; he had made that clear since they had met. He'd always told her that he worried about the dangers her job brought with it and begged her to go and work in some quiet little upstate law firm where she would be safe from harm. She wouldn't listen though; she valued her independence too much to give into him. Staying at home and being a kept woman was not what she wanted, she liked the fact that she had her own career and was not reliant on her husband to provide for her. If anything, she made more money than he did, how would he like it if she demanded that he be the one to stay at home and be taken care of?
He looked pathetic as he sat on the couch, pinning her with those doleful blue eyes of his. Her pride would not allow her to comfort him as she stung from the cruel way he had spoken to her. He had been angry, and perhaps rightly so, but coming home drunk and hurling abuse at her was not the way she had expected him to deal with it. She had always seen him as a passionate yet gentle man, she had certainly provoked him enough times, but he had never lashed out at her in such a brutal manner before. Did he really feel that strongly about having a baby?
She could think of no other explanation for his vindictive behaviour towards her as she grabbed the spare linen from the wardrobe in their bedroom and tossed it in his direction as he remained on the couch.
"Sleep it off, John," she told him quietly as she made her way to their bedroom and shut the door behind her, only then allowing the tears to fall that she had tried so hard to hold back.
Miami. Present day:
He opened his eyes and found her looking at him expectantly as she kept a firm grip of his hands. "Are you ok?" she asked, concern evident in her voice. His eyes still held that faraway look, as if he were in another place and time entirely.
Recognition came back slowly as his eyes focused on her face. "Lori?"
She smiled at him as she cupped his face tenderly, leaning in to kiss him again. His reaction caught her by surprise as he roughly pushed her away and made his way to the opposite side of the room.
"Stop it," he told her, anguish clear in his low tone.
"Stop what?" she asked as she made her way towards him only for him to lift his hands to block her.
"Stop doing this to me," he pleaded as he ran his hands over his face and hair.
"John, I came here to tell you that I was wrong and that I still love you."
He squeezed his eyes shut painfully again, as if the motion of doing so would block out the words that she was saying. He didn't want to hear it, not now. Not ever.
"How long before you decide I'm not good enough anymore?"
His question stopped her dead in her tracks. "Excuse me?"
She gasped as he opened his eyes to look at her, the sadness in them made her physically ache to reach out and hold him to her. To soothe away the pain that she had obviously caused him.
"You were the one who walked out, Lori, not me. I loved you…I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you...You broke my heart, Lori."
"I'm sorry…."
"I would have done anything for you, do you know that?" He began pacing the room like a caged tiger; years of resentment were flooding to the surface leaving him feeling powerless to stop it. "I let you treat me like crap; I wanted you back so badly that it hurt. You only wanted me when it suited you...I was happy with that if it meant that we got to spend time together. And then you started dating that doctor…"
"Danny," she added and was rewarded with a piercing glare for even mentioning his name.
"He gave you everything that I couldn't…..you didn't want me in your life anymore."
"You were the one who disappeared, John. Don't try to hang this crap on me!" she shouted as she stood with her hands on her hips.
"It didn't take you long to have his children though, did it?"
Finally they were getting to the root of the problems between them. It had been the major sticking point in their relationship, his eagerness to start a family had caused a rift so large between them that she had felt as if she'd had no choice but to call time on their marriage. Time and children of their own had not seemed to heal the wounds that they had caused each other all those years ago.
Time had only increased the bitterness that he felt towards her, when Andy had told him of the children she'd had he had felt insanely jealous. How could she have moved on so easily in her life without him, why did she want a family with someone who wasn't him?
He was possessive when it came to her, his passion and the depth of his feelings towards her meant that he was blinded to anything else that might have been going on around him. He wanted her, he had always wanted her, even in those dark days when he crept into the shadows, and visions of her face haunted him, causing him to try to block it out as he numbed his mind and body with alcohol or whatever substances he could get his hands on.
He'd worked so hard since he'd come to Miami, to block the memories of her from his mind and start afresh. It had taken years to rid himself of the almost daily images that his mind would throw at him. And it had worked, until that fateful day that had caused him to lose such a large chunk of his memory. Now all of the memories that he had worked so hard to forget had come hurtling back towards him with a vengeance.
He couldn't allow himself to be fooled by her once more; she would only end up hurting him and abandoning him to a life of misery and solitude. She had never really been there for him when it mattered; she only seemed to want him when she couldn't have him. Perhaps that was part of the appeal for her, the thrill of the chase and much like a cat that had caught its mouse, she would bore of him after a while and leave him to his own devices, to lick his wounds and carry on with what was left of the rest of his life.
Too much time had passed between the two of them, they could never go back to the way they once were, and to believe that they could would be wishful thinking. He was not naïve enough to believe that things would be better for them the second time around.
"John, none of that matters anymore," she pleaded with him as she tried to make him see things from her point of view.
"It's too late, Lori. You made your choice and now you have to live with it."
He exited the room before she could say another word as he left her there alone, just like she had done to him all those years ago.