Love and Other Tragedies
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I'm not making any money.
Dedication: This one's for ErinFabu who I can honestly say redefined this story with her insightful and thought out reviews.
Previously: Even though Lily was dating his best mate, James, had a habit of staring at Lily. She's convinced that she has life and love all figured out. That is until James let's her know what he really thinks about her. He calls her pathetic. She slaps him. He kisses her palm. And life is really never the same after that. As Lily's life changes over a summer away from the persona she's established the itch where James' kissed her palm never relents. During a Divination Seminar last term that was supposed to tell them their last thoughts, Lily had a bad reaction and was struck with all kinds of puzzling visions of her friends dying. The new DADA professor (Alledora Crouch) has it out for Lily, and throughout the year Lily's been collecting clues as to what she's up to. One of the clues Lily collects is from Baker who fills in her in own an affair Crouch had with Matis MacMillan, who is older brother of Luka (who Marley tells her is intertwined with the Death Eaters).
Ashby Campbell is the Piper's seventh year Hufflepuff prefect counterpart. When Lily first became a prefect in her fifth year the Head Girl at the time had been Camille Collins, who Lily tried to emulate in every way even when the Head Girl turned against the young Gryffindor for no apparent reason. Now, Camille Collins is the special columnist for the Daily Prophet and she wrote several pieces focusing on Harland Simmons/Baker's heroic acts as a White Cloak. When James ended his affair with Lily he sealed the door shut on their shared lavatory, and the symbolism of the gesture stuck with Lily. Lily had bad feelings at first about Piper Prescott (especially since she was slightly mixed up with James romantically), but eventually they develop a friendship. Callum Palmer (Ravenclaw 7th year and Quidditch Captain) and Lily started out as something more, but after a few ups and downs (and a few rather bad dates) also became friends, and this was only exaggerated when Lily confesses her relationship with James to Callum at her birthday party.
Chapter Fifteen
Friendly Fire
She was staring at him again.
Two weeks had passed and flowers did not bloom in radiant colors of the rainbow around her, the sun did not shine any brighter, and Lily had little to no desire to let birds plait her hair each morning. A world where she was in love was the same as one where she had been oblivious. Well…except for the staring. Her realization didn't even make her feel differently about James. The feelings had been there all along, after all. She just hadn't known what to call it, blinded by her distorted perceptions.
She'd once wondered what James saw when he stared at her.
She sure knew what she saw when she stared at him now. He was sitting at the other end of the long prefect table focused on the meeting taking place around them. His messy hair moist from rushing through a shower after practice, and his dark lashes fanned out around bright and alert hazel irises. An assault of flutteringly ripped through her gut.
How could he still do that to her? How did he make her feel so…much?
A twitch of tension seized his jaw and she knew that he could feel her gaze. She could also tell that he was making every effort not to return it just like he'd been doing ever since their revealing interaction two weeks ago. Her soft frown turned into an audible squeak of surprise when a sudden clap filled the air, shaking her from her reverie.
"I think that covers everything." James' hands stilled after their action as he purposefully ignored her startled noise. "Any questions?"
"The Hogsmeade trip hasn't been canceled, right?" Ashby Campbell didn't bother raising a hand. The tidy Hufflepuff was always of immaculate appearance, but it didn't quite ever fully cover up the sleaziness underneath. There was something Lily didn't trust about perfectly maintained hair on a bloke. Ashby's was dark brown, cut precisely, and parted so it swooped slightly down one side of his forehead- not a single strand out of place.
"Why do you care, Campbell?" One of the younger prefects grinned with good natured teasing. "It's not like you ever bother to take any of your conquest out on a proper date."
Ashby's chest chuffed at his well cultivated reputation. Lily had a hard time seeing what girls fell for so easily when it came to the seventh year. He wasn't necessarily unattractive, but his slightly rounded face and compact body couldn't even begin to compete with some of their peers. "A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, but let's just say I've captured the eye of a certain Hogwarts' alum who may or may not be the spotlight columnist for the Daily Prophet."
The room broke into excited murmurs and Lily caught several squeaked revelations of "Camille Collins." Ashby was certainly no gentleman. Lily had not forgotten Camille Collins' dismal treatment in fifth year and she definitely didn't appreciate the older girl's exaggerated articles about Baker, but Lily still thought that even she could do a lot better than Ashby Campbell. Anybody could do a lot better than Ashby Campbell.
James cleared his throat annoyed with the outbreak of gossip. "The Hogsmeade weekend will proceed as planned assuming there are no disturbances."
Like so many other things that had been changed by the war, this would be the first Hogsmeade visit since the attack last term. The walls of their beloved castle pushed in on them more each passing day- the halls humming with entrapment. Everyone was on the verge of going stir crazy, and she for one couldn't wait to break out of the claustrophobic school and breathe in the fresh scenery of the village.
The hopefulness that lit the weekend was swept away with the tide and a sigh from Lily as she was once again ensnared in her Head Boy ponderings. She'd barely rested her cheek in her palm when a hand snatched her prop away and after a jerk she found herself being led into her private room as the other prefects gathered their belongings obliviously.
"What do you think you're doing, Palmer?" She tried to spike her voice with feistiness, but it sounded dull even to her ears.
Callum closed her door and turned to her with a raised eyebrow. The expression alleviated some of darkness that settled under his oddly contrasting blue eyes, and returned him momentarily to his former fancy-worthy status. He was still terribly good looking, but just like everyone else he had been affected by their changing world.
The halls were filled with students either bursting out of their uniforms or jerking them back up their hips every couple of steps. Funny how the same stress that could have one student feeling nauseous at the very sight of food could have others stuffing their faces with every sweet and treat the House Elves offered. Judging by the loose fit of Callum's gray jumper, his inclination was the same as Lily's.
Sighing was almost as easy as breathing and she barely noticed the small noise that escaped before she spoke. "Was I being terribly obvious?"
"Only to someone paying attention." His lean muscled body draped across her bed comfortably as if they did this all the time. "Lucky for you everyone's so distracted by their own personal melodramas that they can't manage to be properly nosey."
"…I…I l-…lo-." Her lips stuttered rebelliously over the three little words, unable to control the need to purge her new secret. The words only existed in her mind, but there was something desperate and real about speaking them aloud. It was something she didn't want to do, and yet she felt as if she was repressing the desire to blurt out the words at all kinds of odd times lately- in class, the Great Hall, the girl's lavatory on the fifth floor. It was beginning to feel like if she didn't say it at all then it was going to explode without her consent and that just wasn't an option.
"It's okay." Callum assured, taking her hand as she sat beside him. Knowing the full background of her secret history made it easy for him to see the direction they were spiraling. "You don't have to say it."
"Yes, I do." Baker would have made her say it out loud. He probably would have made her write it line after line until the words and truth sang together in a perfect melody. She yearned for him so constantly that sometimes she was surprised in moments like this just how much she needed him. Pushing was what she needed. It was a job that she had to fulfill on her own. "I love… him. I am in lo-love him… I am in love with James! There!"
"And this realization is fueling a campaign of mooning over the Head Boy?" He appeared skeptical, and more unsurprised than she was comfortable. A reaction of shock and awe would have been much more gratifying. "Isn't this the part where you ride off into the sunset together?"
His words stumped her. In all this time she hadn't once considered actually doing something about her feelings. Why was that? Shouldn't that be the normal continuation of events? Boy loves girl. Girl realizes she returns said affections. Boy and girl live happily ever after. "Riding off into the sunset might be kind of hard with all of the Marauders in tow, and even then we'd have to pretend that it was a platonic riding off into the sunset because of the whole previously-dated-best-mate dilemma."
"So that's what's holding you back? Black?" Unlike with James, conversations with Callum never felt like he had some secret knowledge of her feelings and emotions that she hadn't even begun to grasp yet. Callum was just curious and as hopelessly lost in the situation as she was, and it was nice in an uncomplicated way.
"It's not just holding me back… Have you forgotten that James and Sirius are practically brothers? They actually lived together. He calls James' mother Mum. I don't want to hurt Sirius, but for James…it would be impossible. A complete betrayal of everything he values and holds dear." Lily eluded his question slightly. Sirius was certainly an issue, and it was hard to imagine that there could be a hindrance larger than the points she'd just made, but there was something more rumbling that she couldn't quite grasp yet.
Callum stared at her blankly. Apparently they'd reached beyond his processing level. Lily couldn't blame him. This was a question with no answer. A confused girl had started crafting this equation a long time ago with all the wrong decisions for all the right reasons. Lily was no longer the fifth year who'd seen desperate need in Sirius Black's eyes and mistaken it for love though. Didn't that count for anything? Couldn't someone grant her a waiver? A simple – "I, Merlin, hereby allow one, Ms. Lily Evans, a one time do-over on the grounds of emotional misleading"- would work just fine.
Her Ravenclaw friend hung around for a while longer, but the subject of James was not broached again. Callum seemed to need her undemanding company just as much as she did his. Her shared confidence linked them with its importance, establishing a thicker bond of friendship. Baker had taught her how important friendships could be, and while no one would ever be able to fill his ocean sized absence, Callum was a soothing balm to her traumatized emotions.
They exited her room with a congenial air and when he hugged her at her door, he whispered a small assurance that everything was going to be okay…somehow. Callum's stomach growled ferociously and effectively broke the moment.
She was just about to tell him about their secret passage to the kitchens and offer him a late night snack when James' hard face met them as Callum turned to leave. The Head Boy was standing over his spot at the prefect's table, papers spread out before him that were temporarily ignored in favor of his unforgiving glower. Anything that could make him look like that had to be something wrong and for an instant guilt flooded her veins with icy insistence.
They all three stood silent, fighting to preserve the fake obliviousness that they willingly submitted too. Scrounging up an attempted smile and nod to James, Callum made his leave uncomfortably.
Traitor. He'd abandoned her to take the full blunt of James' betrayed eyes. Her immediate reaction was to explain. After all, the judgment he was dousing her with was underserved. She'd done nothing wrong. But her mouth refused to open under the weight of his storming glare. With a graceful and unpredictable turn of his heel he left his work behind and entered his room. The door closed with nothing more than an ominously gentle click.
The tell of his emotions struck her with sizzling apprehension. He loved her and he certainly knew her, and yet, like almost every love she'd ever known, it came with stipulations and boundaries. Petunia's affections depended on the denial of her inherent 'oddness,' and Snape's had asked the opposite. Sirius had desired her silence- her willingness to brush away her flaws. They all gave their love with a footnote of requirements. They loved her but never enough to surpass their own selfish needs.
James was doing the same thing. He did not love her more than he loved Sirius.
It was undeniably selfish to even consider asking him to choose her over his best mate…and most likely the rest of the Marauders. But didn't she deserve the same careless selfishness that everyone else so flippantly inflicted?
Gritting her teeth, Lily exited the room in the same manner her counterpart had done only moments before.
The next day was Thursday and the entire group of seventh year Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs waited outside the DADA classroom for Crouch to release her much overdue class. Lily couldn't complain about putting off the dreaded professor, but she felt bad for Callum who always had DADA before the Gryffindors. Apparently since Crouch had been a Ravenclaw she thought it was her duty to make sure the students of that house were extra equipped to deal with the exams.
The only downfall of waiting was the forced social interaction with her peers. And that meant James.
He was currently leaning into the wall surrounded by the Marauders with a cheerful smile that slopped to the left whenever Sirius would say something particularly amusing. Every once in a while his hand would jerk through raven hair, causing an itch in her gut.
She was staring again.
"Can you believe that?" Kat demanded incredulously. Her face was flushed scarlet. It was Lily's only clue as to what they had been talking about while she'd been lost in Potter world.
"Merlin." It was Lily's exaggerated-but pointedly generic- response. Obviously they had been discussing Remus, so she cut her eyes to James' left where the sometimes werewolf was punching Peter in the arm with a grin.
"I know!" Kat's black head bobbed as she nodded, accepting Lily's response as a condolence. "How am I supposed to face Professor Crouch after that?"
The mention of her nemesis doubled the Head Girl's interest in the conversation, but she was saved from having to come up with a way of getting Kat to retell the story without admitting she hadn't been listening when her old dorm mate rattled on without waiting for a response.
"It's not like we were doing anything terribly scandalous. I'm sure she's seen far worse things than a little snogging on her patrols, but we haven't even decided what to call our relationship! All of five people know that we fancy each other and now I have to add our professor to that list."
In comparison to the truly scandalous turn Lily's love life had taken the past year, hearing about normal seventh year drama was a pleasant exchange. Her smile was reassuring, if not a little wistful. "At least you don't have to worry about her singling you out for any unwanted attention with me in the class."
The comment instantly relieved a little of the flush from the short girl's face and she stood up a little straighter with twinkling eyes. "That's true! Professor Crouch won't even notice me with you in class… Merlin, we could have probably been shagging and she wouldn't blink an eye the way she loathes you."
The classroom door burst open and seventh years of Ravenclaw and Slytherin spilled out with similar relieved expressions. They weren't excited about the extended class times whether it got them a better mark on the exam or not.
Callum's face was plagued with a matching pained look before he spotted Lily and it was chased away by cheerful exuberance. "Wotcher, ladies."
"Morning, Palmer." Kat returned with an easy smile now that her fears had been brushed away.
"Listen, Lovely." He turned to her. "I was thinking you might be willing to help me keep my mind off the big game coming up by accompanying me to Hogsmeade… I know you value your house pride and I thought it could only help with hostilities."
Lily laughed remembering her comment at the ball insinuating that she'd only accepted his invitation to increase animosity between their houses and insure a Gryffindor victory. The Ravenclaw and Gryffindor Quidditch match was quickly turning into the event of the year, not only because the result would have Cup implications, but also because it had been postponed for months and the return of the sport after the Hogsmeade attack was highly anticipated.
"I do owe you." She allowed with a mischievous smirk.
He clapped once with resolution and a grin. "Excellent."
"Callum?" A familiar looking girl tapped on his shoulder. Her face scrunched with irritation, making what would have normally been a cute face exponentially unattractive.
"I'm right behind you." Callum shrugged her off, his attention barely leaving Lily before returning immediately back to their upcoming plans. "I'll meet you at the carriages."
Lily raised an eyebrow in the direction their classmate had stomped off in. "Erm- new lady friend, Palmer?"
He scoffed. "Viola Singh? She's my potions' partner and I very much doubt her boyfriend would like it otherwise."
"Well, you better hurry up. I know how you Ravenclaw swots hate to be tardy and I'd say Professor Slughorn won't be impressed either." Lily told him accepting his quick hug before he darted away after Viola.
She turned back to Kat, who stopped gossiping with Marley long enough to smirk pointedly at the Head Girl. "Looks like things are finally taking off with your Golden Retriever… You'll be branded a traitor by our house mates for the deflection so close to the match though."
"The game's not until next weekend… And as a member of the team, I give my blessing to the union. Ravenclaw or not that is one attractive bloke." Marley jumped in with a wink. "Plus, a lot can happen in a week. If you break his heart the night before the match he'd make easy prey on Saturday."
"Why that is positively cunning of you, Marlene." Sirius cut in eavesdropping on their conversation and throwing an arm around the Chaser's shorter shoulders as they entered the classroom. "I don't think I've ever been so proud."
Lily opened her mouth to refute their claims when the briefest smile flitted over her ex boyfriend's handsome features in her direction. The action stuttered through her brain before she recovered enough to speak. She insisted to the group that there was nothing going on between her and Callum, but all the while her mind tried to fully digest Sirius' small action and why it felt so significant.
It was the smallest of peace offerings. It was the tiniest indication of forgiveness and Sirius' very own way of giving his blessing. He'd thought she was going on a date and that slight twinge of his lips had told her that he was okay with it. The half smile was a giant step forward in salvaging their friendship.
Settling into a seat in the back, her eyes reclaimed their ever present view in the direction towards the Head Boy. The line of his right cheekbone cut attractively into an impossibly more defined angle and his dark eyebrow inched microscopically inward. He'd heard the conversation and already fueled with his skewered knowledge of her relationship with Callum, it wasn't hard to decipher what conclusion James had come to.
A sick roll of pleasure and horror washed through her chest. These barely noticeable betrayals of his impenetrable mask were the only indications she was privy to that showed he was just as affected by her as she was by him. Another part of her wanted to stand up and shout across the room just how wrong he was, erasing whatever misplaced pain he felt due to her actions. Her right foot twitched beneath the desk and she squelched the impossible desire by pushing her feet into the stone ground as hard as she could, until she was sure the balls of her feet would bruise under the effort.
The pain cleared her head and she was forced to admit the horrible truth of the situation.
She would never be able to ask him to choose. The emotional turmoil she'd felt gushing from his eyes as she'd realized how unforgivably selfish she'd been to him by asking him to sleep with her was unquestionable. She would not- no, she could not- inflict any more pain on him. It would only be selfish to tell him how she felt now that she knew she was in love with him.
If he never knew that she felt the same then he'd never be put in a position to choose. He could live in the blissful unawareness of not knowing that each time she stared at him all she could think about was kissing his bowed lips and holding onto him so tightly that it hurt.
Be honest, Lily. Her subconscious whispered stubbornly, refusing to allow her to return to lying to herself about anything.
Because the truth was that maybe her actions were just as selfish as they were unselfish.
Because what if she asked James to choose… and he didn't choose her. This way he'd never have to face the pain of having to make the decision and she'd never have to face the pain of knowing that she'd never be loved first- a life where true love was only a myth.
No, that was something she couldn't deal with. It was really better this way. They'd both just continue on in blissful ignorance.
The week ended and the only thing that changed was that Lily began avoiding James as much as he did her. It wasn't a fun existence, but it was manageable.
Saturday morning, Lily got up twice as early as she normally did with the goal of completely missing James' window of getting ready time. On her tip toes and a hurry in her step, she darted into their shared loo with the goal of getting in and out with no Head Boy sightings.
But life wasn't that fair and the seventh years opened their mirroring doors as if they'd choreographed the entrance. Sleep clung heavily to his features, muting the rapid succession of his shock, guilt, and then indifference. She imagined she looked much the same, realizing they'd both been so eager to avoid one another that they'd essentially sealed running into one another.
"I'm sorry." She blurted wishing the instant the words hit the cool air that she could suck them back in. Why was she always apologizing to him? It was the exact same thing she'd done after he'd first confessed her feelings for her. It felt even more wrong under the current circumstances.
He didn't move, not even a twitch. "You're sorry?"
"No!" The word tumbled out, branding her cheeks red as she became flustered with emotion. "I mean, yes… I just- I just shouldn't have said that…?"
He studied her and not even her well honed skills could help her read his smooth mask of disconnect. Her night clothes were ratty and fitful sleep had most certainly left an imprint on her straight locks, and under his unconcerned gaze she had never felt so ugly in her entire life. Reflexively her arms wrapped around her center protectively and her eyes dropped to the tile floor where they'd once had sex.
"I see." His deep voice broke the silence and the mask. He just looked…sad. It was so much more than that- deeper- but there were no more words than that she could label it.
With unhurried movements he entered his shower stall. She stumbled backwards, leaving the lavatory in favor of her bed. There was no use in being up so early any more.
Her dejected mood hadn't cleared when she woke up hours later at an appropriate time. She dressed with little care, taking more time to feed Harvey than she did to pick out an outfit for the Hogsmeade trip.
Callum sighed heavily when she greeted him, needing no explanation for her gloom. It made her uncomfortable that this moping was becoming the norm.
"Chin up, Lovely." He encouraged snuggling her head into his thin but still sturdy chest. "We can help each other keep our minds off the things we'd both rather not think about."
It wasn't as hard as she expected to summon up a smile in response as they entered a carriage. She was about to close the door when a feminine cough stopped her.
"I'd like to share a carriage." Piper stated evenly, eyeing the couple inside. "Unless this is a date and in that case I will wait for the next one."
Chuckling and slightly impressed with what could easily be considered tact for her Hufflepuff friend, she motioned for Piper to join them. "-Just a friendly trip. The more the merrier."
They chatted the whole ride and Lily invited Piper to join them for the day after she admitted she'd only been coming for supplies and then she was going to head back to the castle. It was strange but refreshing to spend the day with two friends that she'd made this year. There weren't as many reminders of James, and Lily was happy to indulge Callum's earlier request of keeping their minds off everything but having fun.
The three of them were walking side by side down the crowded street, sampling a few of the Honeyduke's treats they'd just purchased. The March air was cooled by the breeze, but the sun was unobstructed and Lily had shrunk her useless jacket in favor of letting the rays dance on her skin hours ago. It was going splendidly until Callum stopped walking with an alarmed jerk, his eyes focused with perplexed intensity on something in the crowd ahead of them.
"What is it?" She asked concerned. "What's wrong?"
He didn't speak captured by whatever internal confusion plagued him. Piper stared at him before following his gaze in an attempt to understand his behavior. Lily touched his arm attentively and the contact jolted him back to his current surroundings. "Sorry, I thought I saw somebody I used to know… But it's impossible."
"Who?" Piper asked unapologetically.
"He graduated when we were in second year- the same as my sister. I didn't really know him… Anyways there's no way he'd be here. I heard he got mixed up into some dark stuff after Hogwarts. If the rumors are true Matis won't ever be showing his face in public again." Callum remarked with a shrug, biting into another purple candy.
"I need new quills." Piper spoke abruptly, but in her smooth undaunted way. "Goodbye."
Lily shook her head momentarily distracted by the pure enigma that was Piper Prescott. Callum stared after her looking alarmed and confused by her sudden departure. She'd forgotten how disconcerting the Hufflepuff could be before she'd gotten used to her.
"Matis as in Matis Macmillan?" Lily fanned the old spark of beating Crouch. Ever since Baker's death she just hadn't felt inspired, but at the mention of one of her forgotten clues she felt a stir. "He's that troll Luka's older brother, right?"
Callum smiled at her insult as they reached the end of the road and headed back in the direction they'd come. "I think that might be the harshest I've ever heard you be about someone, but yes Matis is Luka's older brother."
She swallowed the wiggling leg of a chocolate frog. "Luka deserves it. He used to taunt Evie when they were potions' partners- call her a mudblood. I don't really know anything about Matis, but I don't exactly have high expectations knowing his family traits."
He chuckled and slid off his jacket when she shivered, offering it to her. He insisted he was too warm in his thick jumper anyways so really she was doing him a favor. "Speaking of Evie- how's life without the third member of the infamous muggleborn trio?"
"Definitely not the same." She confessed, snuggling further into his coat. Her life was a constantly churning wheel with a million emotions bouncing around with her. Sometimes one had to smack her in the face before she realized it was there. That was how it felt to think about Evie. She missed her, but it was more that she longed for the friendship they'd had when they first started Hogwarts before everything got so unimaginably complicated or they could begin to grow apart.
"I guess that explains your new attachment Piper Prescott." He remarked when they'd arrived back at the carriages.
Climbing in after him, she couldn't help the defensive tone her voice took. "I actually like Piper."
His face was incredulous.
"You don't?" She asked.
"There's just- I don't know… There's just something about her that creeps me out." Callum admitted wrinkling his nose in an innocent way.
"You'll get used to it." Her hands tangled in her hair, uncomfortable with talking about her friend. "I didn't exactly fancy her at first either, but she grows on you."
"If you say so." His genuine words were accompanied by a pat on the knee. "For you, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt…But just be careful, okay?"
Nodding quickly, she brushed away the conversation in favor of more laid back subjects. Back at Hogwarts she declined his offer to walk her back to the suite, already feeling the gloominess drain away the memories of their nice day.
Entering through the Truth Mirror, Lily had time to paste a faux smile on her face hearing the familiar voices in the common area before she greeted them up the stairs.
"There's our little Judas!" Kat giggled, slipping away from her seat beside Remus to greet her friend with a kiss on both cheeks.
Other than Remus and Kat- Marley, Sirius, Peter, and predictably James were also present. The ones not on the Quidditch team spread out their Hogsmeade loot on the ground around them, sharing with the three that had been subjected to a tortuous all day practice by their captain. Lily greeted them all politely, fighting off the heavy pull to isolate herself in her room. But her socializing skills weren't up to par and soon she was excusing herself with an exaggerated yawn.
"Wait!" Kat grabbed her Hogsmeade bag from her reclaimed seat with Remus and followed the taller girl into her room. "I almost forgot that I got you a belated birthday surprise."
She handed Lily a pretty scarf of Gryffindor red that danced with golden snitches and broomsticks. "Thank you. It's beautiful."
"You can wear it when we go to the match next weekend…that is if you don't already have plans to go with someone else… I didn't know if you'd planned to go with Piper or something." Kat stared up at her with hopefulness and the gesture warmed her heart, chasing away the sadness temporarily.
"I think that sounds like a great time." She hugged her. Something pink, fuzzy, and altogether un-Kat-like caught Lily's eye in the bag and she snatched the item out before Kat could stop her. "What the hell is this?"
Behind black fringe, Kat's eyes narrowed dangerously and she blustered with fake casualness. "It's a stuffed animal."
It was in fact a plush kitten made of baby pink fabric with green eyes that rivaled Lily's. It was a child's toy and the slow realization of what- or more accurately who- the present belonged to brought a sneaky smile across her face. "This kitty wouldn't be for your supposedly dreadful baby sister, would it?"
At Lily's spiral into laughter, Kat yanked the creature out of her arms with irritation. "It's not a big deal. I just saw it and- whatever, it'll earn points with Mum. It's not like a real gift or anything."
"Admit it. You adore your little monster! You want to hold her and kiss her and be the best big sissy ever!" Lily teased tremendously, accepting her giggles.
"Oh hush!" Kat scolded in return, shoving the pink cat back in its bag. "It's not like that. Easter is coming up and I've got to go home so… I just admit she might not be as horrible as I first suspected."
When the Head Girl showed no sign of ending her glee, Kat exited with a huff and slammed the door which only made Lily laugh harder.
Over the next week while Hogwarts built up the upcoming Quidditch match to epic proportions, Lily was faced with a return of her nightmares.
Throughout her life, she'd always endured stretches of nights haunted by her demons. She'd faced so much loss that it'd be impossible to escape without some leftover scarring. But her nightmares had never been such a combination off all the horrors she'd ever known. Her parents burning alive before her eyes, a million tortured scenarios of how Baker got his scar, Death Eaters hunting her every step, Petunia dying while refusing to let Lily in to save her, James buried alive and slowly losing his life cold and alone, Voldemort torturing her in a room full of her friends while they refused to help –these were the pleasantries that accompanied her every night. These monsters created a terrifying cocktail that left her in puddles of cold sweat and silent screams upon her lips.
Those dreams were not the scariest though. The real reason she fought sleep each night was the return of the visions. The vivid pictures that had filled her head during the Divination Seminar months ago returned with a vengeance. Madam Celeste had told her to forget the images- they'd only drive her insane as she tried to distinguish their puzzling meaning. Lily had done just that, blocking out the blurry horrors they forced upon her.
She blamed their reappearance on a building sense of foreboding that she could do nothing to squelch. The visions swirled perfectly with her nightmares, making them more real than ever.
Her marks which had never wavered for anything other than her parent's deaths suddenly declined negatively. She not only avoided James but her other friends as well, making up excuses and lies to hide her isolation. Her appearance was at an all time low as well- stringy hair, black circles around her eyes, and a paleness that had nothing to do with the lack of sun.
Something was wrong. Something had gone terribly awry and she was too tired to care.
The night before Gryffindor match against Ravenclaw, Lily remained awake while the castle slept. She sat at her vanity staring at her reflection and dragging her eyelids back open again after the tug of exhaustion coddled them closed again and again. She was too weak tonight. If she gave into sleep's invitation then they'd be there waiting to terrorize her.
Her head hit the wood of the vanity with a thump and she hadn't even realized she'd fallen asleep. The jolt was enough to momentarily escape sleep's warm grasp, and she tried to stand up but her legs crisscrossed like she'd drank too much firewhiskey, slanting her direction until she slumped to the floor. With blurry vision that doubled around the furniture and forms of her bedroom, she tried to sit up and use the bed as a prop.
She hadn't slept more than four hours any night this week and not more than three the past two. Slumber called to her with false serenity that would turn into deformed faces as soon as she accepted its hand.
"Maybe if you quit fighting it so hard." A voice that belonged to a dead boy told her.
"Great." Her voice was deep, slinking around vowels until they dipped off completely. "I'm going crazy."
"It's called sleep deprivation." Baker stared down at her. Both of the Bakers her distorted eyes formed smirked. But she knew she must have fallen asleep because not even her dream could correctly conjure the real Baker Simmons. "That's what's making you crazy."
He might have been a figment of her imagination, only existing in this place between sleep and awake, but that didn't mean he was not real to her in the moment. A content smile curtained her lips and her eyes fluttered without the fear of losing them to sleep. Her words whispered as a sigh. "I miss you."
"Quit fighting it." He snapped.
Her eyes opened wide to glare up at him. "You're really ruining this for me."
Even fake Baker knew that he should fight off a smile at her comment. "Blame your subconscious. Now quit fighting."
"I don't want to sleep." She whined feeling drunk. Her limbs were so heavy she thought they might break the floor. "They're terrible, Baker, –dying, dying, always dying…everyone dying."
"It doesn't matter if you fight the sleep or not, eventually you won't be able to help it." He remarked carelessly.
She frowned. If her brain was going to create a fake Baker couldn't it have been a nice one?
"Stop fighting the dreams, Whiskey." His voice was in her head and her eyes were closed. Had they been closed the whole time? She couldn't tell up from down anymore. All she could feel was the ground turn to mush and her heavy limbs sinking right through the floor. Realizing that she was falling asleep, she panicked clawing to get back up to the surface. "It's okay, Whiskey. Stop fighting… Don't feel it. Just listen…Just accept it."
Suddenly she was with Honor in a burning room. It was a weird place for a dream to start. Usually it started with the nightmares and bled into the visions, but this was pure vision. The fire was hot, but she remembered Baker's words not to feel it and suddenly there was no pain. She watched the scene with disconnected eyes.
"It's time to go." A voice said from the hallway. "They're all dead…Or as good as."
The replied laugh was the only other sound before the telling 'pop' of Disapparation.
This was new. The visions had never been like this before. Usually they overwhelmed her senses with a smattering of the replay without ever giving rise to a clear picture. But now as she took in the scene around her that she'd never seen quite like this, it was like remembering something that had once happened to her. She could recall the smell of the burning flesh, the scorching of skin, even the numbing realization that she was going to die alone.
Her eyes darted to the sprawled form of Honor on the floor. She'd been frozen by a spell and while her body remained stiff, Lily gasped in horror to see that her eyes darted around the room aware of her surroundings.
It hit her at once. This wasn't just a vision of death. This was how Honor Simmons had died, not by a seemingly merciful Avada Kedavra but forced to suffer alone and helpless as life was literally burned out of her. This was how Honor was murdered and Lily had seen it months ago. She'd felt the burn, smelled the smoke, saw the flames.
She knew she could nothing, but as smoke clouded the room she couldn't help from trying. Her touch was nothing but a ghostly shadow, not even disturbing a cloud of ash. She cried out it frustration. This was torture to watch without the slightest power to alter.
Honor's drooping eyes found her then and whether it was a trick of the vision or Lily's brain attempting to ease the suffering, she didn't give a damn. Rushing to her old nemesis' side, she placed incorporeal hands on Honor. "Can you see me?"
There was no response save a slipping tear that fled her unblinking eyes. Honor's gaze was blurred and certainly distorted, but there was relief too. Not that Lily was going to save her- they both knew it was too late for that- but relief that she wasn't going to die alone like that. And maybe it was all a figment of her traumatized imagination, but she thought deep down that somewhere this was real. Maybe on that night in December when Honor sank so closely to death, she'd really known that Lily had been there with her as her murky green eyes went void with death.
There was one thing she did not question though and that was the validity of the visions. Shrouded with blank spots and bundled far too tightly to distinguish as a whole, she'd seen them all die. Deep down she'd always have this knowledge- and maybe she'd even always be there with them as they slipped away- but it was too hectic to ever flesh out or understand as a whole.
She could not fight it. She could not change it. All she could do was accept it.
Evie, Sirius, Remus, Kat, Peter, and Severus would all die far before they were grayed with age and wrinkled with memories. She could not tell when or where or how, because the burden of knowing without the ability to change it would certainly drive her insane, but she knew without a shadow of a doubt that death would come for each of them…
Even James
Her raw heart seized with blinding pain. He was here with her now…alive- breathing and laughing and learning… and one day he would not. James would die without ever knowing that he deserved true love too.
And everything else just didn't seem as important anymore. Sirius, the Marauders, her issues, the entire world suddenly paled in comparison to the rarity that they'd found between with each other.
Because not everybody gets true love. Sometimes you find someone to love and you settle, and it's not always a bad thing- it's just what happens. They get to be happy too…but they never get to feel what she felt for James Potter.
His heart might not beat forever, but she'd love him as long as hers did…and maybe even after that too. Even if he picked loyalty over her, even if she was rejected, even if they never kissed again, she would be in love with James Potter and he'd damn well know it too.
She jolted awake with a startled breath, snapping her aching neck that had been twisted awkwardly against the bottom of her bed all night. Despite her body's soreness she felt more refreshed than she had in a week and she hurried to her feet without pause. The sun swam through her window as she rushed to get dressed, and she was draping her new scarf on not fifteen minutes later as she exited the Truth Mirror.
The fresh memories of her dream pushed her feet from a jog into a full sprint. The castle was newly deserted and she could hear the buzzing excitement from the pitch all the way from the entrance hall. The game hadn't started yet, but it was close enough to send onlookers into jubilant screeches.
Cutting across the lawn, she caught sight of the crimson and gold uniforms of the Gryffindor team as they made their way across the lawn- brooms thrown over their shoulders. She doubled her pace heading straight for them. "James!"
He didn't hear her at first, but after few more calls that didn't slow her feet the team paused, pointing out the spectacle with perplexed expressions.
"James!" She cringed at the volume level finally catching up to them. "I need to talk to you!"
His face spiked with incredulousness glancing at the boisterous crowd in the distance and then back to her. She'd always had a weakness for uniforms, but she doubted very much that there had ever been anything in the history of the world that was as attractive as James was in that moment. She could appreciate that even through her nerves and gasping breaths. "It'll only take a moment…Please."
A half a second pause was all it took for the Quidditch Captain to wave on his team reluctantly, and then stare at her expectantly. Sirius lingered longer than the rest, dragging his feet and casting them startled looks like he could sense the oncoming revelation about to occur. She fought the urge to call after him that she was sorry.
"Lily!" James snapped irritated of her distraction. "We're really not going to this again are we? I told you I can't be the way we-."
"Shut up." She squared her shoulders and focused her blazing emerald eyes on him fully. "For once you just need to shut up and let me teach you something! Because the way I feel about you has nothing to do with need."
Taking a deep breath, she poured her soul into every word. Each phrase, each sentence, each truth burned with importance and her need to make him feel it. "It's because you saw me. It's because you knew that I didn't need you to fix me. All I needed was to know that it wasn't okay to accept anything less. It's because you see every single one of my imperfections and you loved me anyways."
She'd grown so accustomed to the irritation in her palm that she didn't even notice anymore as she ran the itching skin along the leg of her jeans. She offered the burning limb out as evidence now. "Last year you kissed my palm and it started as an itch that turned into a burn that set me on fire from the inside out."
"I don't need you, James." A smile turned her lips despite the unsatisfying reality. "If you can't be with me then I'm not going to die. I'll live the rest of my life and I'll be happy… But if you give us a chance- we could burn together."
"I am in love with you, James Potter. And I know sometimes that love isn't enough…but for us it would be."
He gaped at her. The forgotten crowd roared behind them in the pitch as his name was announced and it shook him enough to glance towards the looming game. He blinked heavily as if trying to clear a thick fog, but even when he opened his mouth to speak no words came out.
"You don't have to say anything now." She insisted as a gust of wind twisted her hair around her face. "I just thought you should know."
He nodded sharply and she was proud of him for forming a response at all. With surprisingly controlled movements he turned away from her and headed to the field, while Lily made the long climb up the stands to where the Gryffindors cheered.
"I thought you weren't going to make it!" Kat clapped excitedly, patting the seat she'd saved for Lily. It was just the two of them and Lily sat down feeling slightly dazed, taking in the game that had already started. "Potter nearly missed the releasing of the Snitch, but he seems to be making up for it now."
Lily's stomach flipped much in the same manner of James' broom as he executed a perfect flying maneuver and scored.
"Potter's streak puts Gryffindor up by forty." The announcer told the cheering students. "I bet the Gryffindors are hoping their captain's enthusiasm can put a little pep in Seeker Ruby Greene's step. Someone get her a Pepper-Up potion ASAP."
Lily blocked out the announcer's jokes that no one laughed at but himself. She let her mind numb with the action of the game, fighting off the urge to vomit after what she'd just done. After her dream, which was already blurring into something she could barely remember, her vision had sculpted into a tunnel with the singular goal of telling James how she felt.
But as her brain cleared so did all the reasons she'd been keeping the information secret.
She was absolutely terrified. She hadn't just put herself out there. She'd thrown her body into oblivion without the slightest care that he'd be there to catch her. It was all up to him now and offering up that level of control to anybody was horrifying. As her thoughts turned sour so did the game for Gryffindor.
James was doubled teamed and rendered almost completely ineffective, while Marley took a bad fall that damaged her broom and reduced her to a chugging pace that was easily aimed at. Ruby Greene couldn't even stop sneezing long enough to fly her broom correctly much less capture the Snitch. Ravenclaw capitalized on all the shortcomings and quickly turned the game into a massacre. James' forty points were doubled by the Ravenclaw Chasers, then tripled, then quadrupled, and then Lily stopped counting.
"Go!" Kat suddenly screeched with all the other Gryffindors a second before Lily saw Ruby Greene rocket through the sky after the flying gold ball that flecked obviously in the sun.
But James wasn't encouraging the Seeker like everyone else on the pitch had stopped to do. Wait- what? Why were the Ravenclaws cheering her on too? No one else noticed his actions though- not gifted the sixth sense of awareness she'd developed for him. The Ravenclaw Seeker wasn't even trying for the Snitch and as James took off toward the opposite goalpost, Lily realized why.
If Ruby caught the Snitch now the game would be over and Gryffindor would lose thanks to the uneven score. With the Quaffle tucked under his arm in perfect form, James raced against his own Seeker for the win. His sharp flying attracted the attention of the crowd and horrified Gryffindor supporters deftly realized the mistake.
Quicker and quicker they flew in opposite directions for the same goal. Air left the pitch as everyone sucked in watching Callum prepare to defend the post as James raised his arm and Ruby extended her small fingers to the glinting Snitch.
The Quaffle flew from James' hands with masterful force whizzing passed Callum's shocked face, just as Ruby turned with an ecstatic smile and raised the surrendered Snitch above her head…
And the Ravenclaws went wild with celebration.
The jubilant house rushed to exit the stands and Lily got separated from Kat swept away in the fray. It was easier to just go with the flow rather than fight the currents of victorious Ravenclaws. They poured onto the field from the narrow stairs and Lily was vomited to the side as they danced and reveled.
She stood unsure of Kat's location and what she should do when the blue clothing parted and James met her eyes across the field. He was alone and sweat did its best to suffocate the erratic locks of raven that stuck out from every angle, but only sufficiently stuck a view strands to his forehead.
She'd been wrong before. There had never been anyone as perfect as he was in that moment. His hazel eyes blazed with intensity as they stared unabashedly. She was drawn to him like a purposeful magnetic and she knew he could feel it too as they walked toward the center of the pitch. Students of the winning house shuffled around them blocking their view every once in a while, but never rendering their path.
They stopped once they'd reached each other and she studied the hard lines of his face. They were angry lines. And she tried to read the turbulence that stormed behind his eyes. The silence only boomed between the unnoticed couple as shouts and cries erupted around them. She was so scared her hands shook and when she couldn't take the unknown anymore she prepared to speak.
But as her lips pursed, calm suddenly overtook his features and he took her by the shoulders and kissed her like it had been the greatest victory he ever won.
His lips were hot and all she could do was try to drink him in. His arms didn't settle on her waist. They wrapped around her like he would never be able to let her go. Her body curved into his and it was all she could do because she wanted to soak this moment into every pore. She wanted to live in this feeling for the rest of her life.
Because it was perfect. It was the moment that made it all worth it.
When she pulled back he smiled the most brilliant smile she'd ever seen. Had she ever really seen him smile before? It didn't feel like it.
"No, Sirius. Don't!" It was the first sound that infiltrated their bubble and the only warning before James was ripped out of her arms.
It was hard to tell if the Head Boy was too shocked by the sudden actions to defend himself or simply chose not to as his best mate cocked his fist back before wrenching it into James' face with a powerful crunch on contact. It was one punch and Sirius stopped, breathing through bursts and James slowly raised his hunched back, still gripping his bleeding nose.
"What the fuck?" Sirius' long black hair was loose as he towered over James without an indication of violence again.
James eyes cut to her surrounded by shocked bystanders and their even more shocked friends.
"Don't look at her!" Sirius bellowed with wild eyes.
The Head Boy straightened fully with nothing but apology in his eyes. He turned back to Lily and wrapped their hands together tightly before pulling her away. The crowd parted for their exit and she kept her eyes down unwilling to meet her peers' judgmental gazes.
James and Lily were silent as they digested what they'd just done. Not because they regretted it, but because the pain they'd inflicted was undeserved and somehow unavoidable. There were no excuses to give Sirius. No apologies that would ease his hurt. If their friendships could be salvaged, it wouldn't be today. But maybe they could start tomorrow. And if not then the next day. They'd find a way to make it right, but right now there was nothing to say.
Lily had to accept that one person's 'right' was not always 'right' to everyone else. Baker once told her that she was making the right decisions in all the wrong circumstances, and as messy as this was- it was right for her.
The couple was silent all the way back to the suite, but they'd stayed connected through their hands until they entered and James dropped her grasp walking over to a seat and collapsing in front of the fire with a thump. Lily watched him bury his face in his hands unsure of what to do or say. His actions rushed her with a queasy guilt.
What if he regretted what happened? What if he was thinking about marching back onto the pitch and publicly shunning her while begging for Sirius' forgiveness?
She forced her feet forward and took the seat beside them. Snitch, hearing his favorite owner's entrance, scuttled onto the couch between them. It was just another barrier at this point. She'd thought that once they revealed their secret that all the walls that separated them would disappear.
I'm sorry. The instinctual words went unspoken, and she'd never been so thankful to squash an urge. It would've been the worst thing she could possibly say. But she had to say something… "Thank you."
He peeked out of his hands with an indiscernible expression. Staring at her a moment longer, he stood with a groan that reminded her of the physical battle he'd just lost on the Quidditch pitch in a game that had lasted most of the day. Warily, she held her seat watching him walk away from her with sadness. Apparently some walls just didn't 'disappear,' no matter how badly she wanted them too.
"Lily?" He turned suddenly at his doorway and looked back at her with a questioning face. "Aren't you coming?"
Some walls you had to tear down yourself. She nodded with a small smile and followed him into this dark room where he was pulling off his shoes. He had to be exhausted and even though it was early she didn't mind going to sleep. They could both use the rest. Climbing into his bed, the Head Students lay down without touching but remained close enough to feel the other's warmth. Wiggling uncomfortably, something still felt…off.
"What are you doing?" James asked when she slid off her side of the mattress.
Ignoring him for the time being, she walked right up to his lavatory door. She stared at the ominously closed door for a long moment before turning back to him with a meaningful look. Holding his gaze the entire time, she opened the door as wide as it would go.
The silence broke with a rapture of unrestrained laughter that was so unexpected Lily's steps were almost stunted as she made her way back to him. She could only stare at him as he threw his head back and laughed with joyful relief. Earlier she'd questioned whether she'd ever really seen him smile before, and now she was positive she'd never experienced the fullness of his laugh. He was so…alive. Everything about James Potter was undeniably vital and booming with life.
When she was once again draped by the quilts on his bed, he immediately reached out to take her hand and her cold toes sought the warmth of his legs, and the boy and girl that had woken up alone fell asleep together.
It wasn't a sunset, but it was a start.
***000***
Author's Note: Well that was supposed to be a lot longer and progress the story a bit more, but I figured after my extended absence y'all wouldn't mind the shorter version of chapter 15. If you're upset about the delay I give you full permission to yell at my professors. I'm not happy about their goal of completely sabotaging my social and artistic lives either. My muse was also not up for play time, but with your kind reviews in mind I made due. Also for those of you thinking that there were some rather random character debuts I will once again promise you that I never do ANYTHING without a reason, and it's never as 'random' as you might think. I'm just as hopeful as you that an update is soon to follow.
Things I'd LOVE feedback on (anything and everything of course, but particularly):
ONE. The return of the prophetic dreams is left intentionally vague and I realized I might have really confused some people there. I REALLY wanted to leave it up to your interpretation because there is no concrete answer. That being said, I'd love to hear said interpretations and what you thought about the whole shenanigan.
TWO. Obviously the get together scene between James and Lily… Oh you know, just that little thing the entire story has been building up to. Was it worth it? Too sappy? Just right?
THREE. Do you look forward to seeing their relationship progress or does this feel like the end of the story? I feel like them getting together was only half the battle and obviously they have a long way to go before they become the couple we know and love. What do you look forward to the most? (I'm always looking to give the reader what they want and if you are particularly curious about one upcoming aspect I have no problem writing a little extra)
FOUR. Did anyone pick up on the significance of the chapter title "Friendly Fire" and its meaning in this particular chapter?
As always the "Behind the Scenes" will be updated on my profile.
For those that requested an update on my earlier trips in the year, I have to say that I had a FABULOUS time (how could I not? Since my team won and all .)