Alexx's visit had been an unexpected, but welcome, surprise when she heard the doorbell chime a little after midday. She had spent the majority of the morning occupying her mind with menial tasks as she sought to keep her thoughts from what Horatio and his ex-wife might be doing.
It wasn't Horatio that she didn't trust; she knew that his honesty and loyalty would prevent him from betraying her. The thought that ate away at her was that he still wasn't as strong mentally as he used to be, there used to be a time when nothing could sway the righteous man once he had set his mind to something. He would become so focused that he would pay little attention to anything around him while he was in the pursuit of his goal. Now she wasn't so sure, his ordeal had left him questioning his strength and his worth as a man to her and the team that had always looked to him for guidance.
It had taken months for him to regain the physical and emotional strength of the man they all knew and loved, to reassert himself in the shell of the body that had been left behind. Horatio really didn't need someone from his past coming back to mess with his mind, he had been so full of self-doubt recently that she was under no illusions that Laura would have the power to make him question himself and his choices if she chose to do so.
Why had she come to Miami, to apportion more blame and guilt on him than he already felt?
Or did she have another motive entirely, had she decided that she'd made a huge mistake twenty years ago and had now decided that she wanted her husband back?
Had she the choice, she would not have let him go alone, she feared what his ex-wife would say to him, how she would try to nestle her way back into his emotions and tempt him with the life that he had once shared with her. He would not thank her for her protectiveness though; his reaction towards her well-meaning attempts to make decisions for him recently had not been favourable.
It had been such a hard habit to break though, for months she had been thrust into the role of protector as he lay in such a physically and emotionally vulnerable state. He had been unable to protect himself during that time, and she had taken it upon herself to be the one who would guard him from those that meant either of them harm.
She had wanted to protect him so badly that it had blinded her to the progress that he had been making since visiting with the therapist recently. As the old Horatio began reasserting its dominance, she could not or would not see that he needed to make decisions on his own. He had been rightly livid with her for lying to Sargent Craig and involving his old bomb squad colleague Simon in his IAB interview. She had done those things to protect him, yet he didn't see it that way. He had seen it as Calleigh trying to control him, she realised now that he would not stand for it.
As much as it hurt, she needed to let him do his own thing. Perhaps she was stifling him with her need to be close and protect him from anything she viewed as a threat. He had always prided himself on being a strong and independent man, it was only when he explained it to her in the early hours of the morning that she realised what she'd been doing to him. He'd spent so much time being out of control and having choices made for him that she had continued doing it for him even when he no longer needed her to. She wanted him to be the Horatio that she remembered, but how could he if she never let him out of her sight?
"You look like hell, Honey," Alexx crooned as she began brewing a pot of coffee, the muffins she had brought with her sat on a plate on the kitchen table.
"I didn't get much sleep last night," she shrugged in reply as she picked at the paper case of the muffin she had in her hand.
"Horatio still having nightmares?" the doctor asked with concern, she'd hoped by now that Jeff had managed to make some headway with the stubborn man.
She let out a humourless laugh. "No, it was me for once."
Alexx looked at her curiously as she sat opposite her at the table. "How come?"
"His ex-wife is in town," she replied quietly. "He's gone to meet her today…..I'm worried what she'll say to him, Alexx."
"You think he still loves her?"
That was what she loved about her friend, her ability to see beneath the surface and to get to the real issues underneath. Alexx was nothing if not insightful.
"When I saw them together the other day…..the way she looked at him…..She wants him back, I know she does."
"But he's told you that he loves you, surely you know by now that he does?"
"I know, Alexx. I just worry…..he's still so vulnerable; I just don't like the idea of her messing with his head. He doesn't need that right now."
Alexx reached out a hand and placed it on her friend's arm, trying to convey sympathy and understanding, fearing that Calleigh might not like what she was about to tell her. "What he doesn't need right now is you making things more complicated." She paused as she saw the dismayed look on the blonde woman's face. "You have to let him figure this out on his own, honey. You can't keep wrapping him up in cotton wool; he won't thank you for it."
"But I want to protect him."
"He doesn't need protecting, sweetie. He needs a partner who is going to treat him like an equal. You think he's going to appreciate you keep treating him like a child?"
"I haven't," Calleigh protested before being cut off.
"You are though. What you asked me to do the other day…..getting Simon involved in his interview….you're making it look as though you don't trust him. His ego took a big enough hit when those bastards took him; he wants you to see him as someone who's strong and capable of taking care of himself."
Calleigh's face dropped as Alexx confirmed what she had been telling herself for the last few hours. "Have I really been that bad?"
The doctor chuckled, "Honey, it's what he's needed. But not now, he needs you to let him go and trust him to make his own choices."
"But what if he chooses her?" she asked nervously, convincing herself that it could be a real possibility.
"Not a chance in Hell. That boy has got it for you bad, believe me."
Flashback. Miami 1 week ago:
He'd passed the Department physical and psych tests yesterday, the latter being easier than the former as his body protested at the movements it had been forced into during the hour-long assessment of his physical condition. He had always prided himself on his high pain threshold and tolerance for discomfort, but even he struggled as he blocked out the way his damaged bones and ligaments protested as he was put through his paces.
He'd flat out lied when the Department doctor asked him if he still felt any pain from his injuries, to tell the man that he did would set his return back at least another couple of weeks and that was the last thing he'd wanted. It wasn't that he disliked Calleigh's company, quite the opposite; it was the fact that he was that he was bored out of his mind being stuck in the house with nothing but his negative thoughts for company.
At least getting back to the Lab would give him something to focus on instead of his brooding. He'd found himself thinking of Calleigh far too much recently, ever since they had kissed in the car his mind had been focused on thoughts of her and how he wanted to take her in his arms and show her just how much he really did care about her. She wouldn't feel the same way though, how could she even contemplate loving a man as broken and damaged as him?
He'd convinced himself that any feelings she had for him had been borne out of pity for his situation and that she had only allowed him to stay so long out of some sort of misplaced loyalty, as if she felt she owed it to him. It was much easier to hide behind the excuses that he was too damaged to be loved rather than face the prospect of actually having a meaningful relationship with a woman. The thought of putting his heart out there and risking getting hurt was too much to bear and so he hid himself away, never letting anyone get too close to him.
But Calleigh could be as persistent and as stubborn as he sometimes; perhaps it was one of the reasons why he found himself falling hopelessly in love with her. Since they had shared that kiss she had tried to make it clear to him that she felt the same way as he did, yet he refused to allow himself to believe it. Good things never happen to you, old man.
The doorbell chiming took him by surprise; he hadn't been expecting any visitors, especially mid-morning. One look through the peep-hole confirmed who it was as he sighed dramatically and opened the heavy wooden door.
"Alexx," he drawled by way of greeting as he saw the beaming smile of his old friend, wary as of what her intentions were towards him. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
She knew the stubborn Lieutenant too well to be fooled by his outwardly placid demeanour; he would want to know the reason for her visit and would get it out of her one way or another. It was one reason why he was such a good cop and force to be reckoned with when it came to the criminal underworld of the city of Miami.
She pushed past him and made her way into the house. "I had a call from the MDPD doctor this morning; he tells me you completed your physical assessment yesterday."
"I did," he replied in an overly friendly manner, sensing that a lecture would be coming from the good doctor any moment now.
"I thought I told you to give it another couple of weeks?" her tone held a hint of disappointment as she gave him a long look, visually assessing if he was fit enough to return to the Lab.
One look at his slight frame told her that he still wasn't eating properly, he'd failed to put little in the way of weight on since his release from hospital, the only positive thing being that at least he hadn't lost anymore since his visit to her office to have the cast on his left arm removed. His appearance was still that of a man who clearly wasn't sleeping well at night, all of his physical injuries had healed, it was the emotional ones that still gave her cause for concern.
Horatio had always been a physically strong man, it was part of the reason he had survived his ordeal, had it not been for his innate stubbornness he might not have made it at all. The injuries that he had received could have killed lesser men than him, it was sheer luck and his own body's unwillingness to give in that had made the difference, even when his tortured mind had other ideas.
Although he tried to hide the small tremors that coursed through his body when he pushed himself too far, she was experienced enough to know that it would take time for that physical strength to return. She worried that his extraordinary ability to survive the closest of shaves relatively unharmed would be affected by his current physical limitations. Was he really ready to throw himself out in harm's way again, would his body be able to survive it this time if he did?
She, and her team of medical specialists, had spent far too much time piecing his body back together after the Malucci's had had their way with him, she was not going to let him throw away all of the hard work they had all done to get him back to this point on a whim.
"I'm making coffee, would you like some?" It seemed like an ideal thing to say as he felt increasingly uncomfortable with the way she was staring at him, her eyes narrowing every so often as the cogs in her brain began whirring at a steady speed. He didn't want to know what it was that she was thinking, probably some reason for him not to return to the Lab next week. He wouldn't have it though, he was going back and that was the end of it.
"I don't like it, Horatio," she told him as she reluctantly followed him to the kitchen, watching as he made his way around as if he belonged there.
He placed the coffee pot down with a sigh and turned to look at her before his gaze dropped to his hands. "I don't need you to like it, I need you to support me…..I have to do this, Alexx."
"What if you're not ready?"
He couldn't deny it himself that it was a good question, and one that he had asked himself more than once recently. He shrugged his shoulders as he spoke, "How will I ever know unless I try?"
Of course there was no answer to that and she knew it, he'd stumped her with an impossible question, knowing that she'd have no choice but to change the subject. "What does Calleigh think?"
He let out a small laugh as he poured the freshly-brewed pot of coffee into two mugs and brought them to the table. "She's not best pleased with my decision; she thinks it's too soon."
"Maybe she's right," Alexx suggested as she took a sip and gave her old friend a pointed look.
"Maybe," he agreed, "But I can't keep hiding away in here anymore…..I have to get back out there, I don't like just sitting around and doing nothing. I need to be useful."
"You know it won't be easy, don't you?"
He nodded his head and gave her a small smile. "I'll have to face it sooner or later."
"How about later?" she suggested, trying to get her obstinate friend to see things from her point of view.
"No, Alexx. I have to do this now." He was insistent that he would not be swayed into changing his mind.
They sat looking at each other for a number of minutes, before Alexx resigned herself to defeat on the subject. The longer she kept looking at him the more obvious it became that something else was eating at him, she had seen that look in his eyes before. There was something that he wasn't telling her.
"Are things ok with you and Calleigh?" she prodded gently as he took great interest in his coffee mug as he turned it around in circles on the wooden table. The way he visibly reacted to her question gave her all the answers she needed as she watched him flinch.
"We're fine," he responded quietly as he refused to look at his old colleague.
"Sugar, fess up. I'm gonna either get it out of you or I'm gonna go and ask her. Which would you prefer?" She smiled at him sweetly as he scowled at her, knowing that he would prefer that she heard it from him rather than Calleigh's rather more biased view of events.
He rubbed a hand over his face and sighed theatrically, "We…uh…we kissed," he muttered feebly.
"And?"
"And nothing, Alexx. We kissed and it was a mistake. End of story."
"I'm pretty sure neither of you thought it was a mistake when it happened," Alexx suggested as she gave Horatio a coy smile.
He shook his head. "She deserves better than me, I'm not what she needs."
Who was he trying to convince, himself or Alexx?
"But she wants you; anyone can see that by the way she looks at you."
He shook his head again, refusing to believe what Alexx was trying to tell him. "She's mistaken, she's just confused about how she feels."
"Do you love her, Horatio?"
He glanced at her briefly. "What I feel is beside the point, Alexx. I'm in no position to give her wants she wants….what she deserves."
As she looked at him she could tell that he believed every word that he was saying, had the incident with the Malucci's affected him that badly that he no longer thought he was worthy of being loved?
It tore at her to think that he had such a low opinion of himself, she knew only too well what had been done to him and how it had affected his self-esteem to be supported in the kind of everyday tasks that he had taken for granted before. He had felt completely emasculated as nurses, and his own son, had to tend to his most personal of needs. It would have been enough for anyone to get disheartened about, let alone a man as independent as Horatio.
She would not stand for his wallowing though; he had spent far too much time feeling sorry for himself recently. There would come a time when he would have to man up and come to terms with what had happened to him. Hiding away like a child scared of the dark was not befitting for a man of Horatio's stature. He had been through Hell, no one could deny that, but she would not let the man that she had grown to care for so deeply sink any further into a pit of depression.
She smiled at him sweetly as she tried to get him to understand that he was worthy of Calleigh's feelings towards him. "Sugar, there's a whole lot of you to love. What woman wouldn't want you?"
He shot her an incredulous look. "Alexx, I don't need you to patronise me. I'm an old man now….I've got nothing good to offer her except my baggage. She deserves better than that."
The doctor snorted at him. "Old, my ass! You're just making excuses now. Why don't you just tell her that you love her?"
He squirmed uncomfortably in his chair, avoiding looking at Alexx, knowing that what she was saying was right. He didn't want to hear it though; he didn't want to think about it either. "Alexx, it's not that simple….." he tried to explain before she cut him off.
"Seems pretty simple to me. You love her….she loves you, why don't you both just admit it?"
He inwardly cursed at Alexx's ability to be so insightful, how could this woman read him like an open book?
He'd been trying to hide how he felt about Calleigh for weeks now, telling himself that she had only gotten closer to him because she was helping him recover from his ordeal and that the time would come when she would pull away from him again. How many times had there been when she helped lower him down to the bed they shared and he had caught a small glimpse of her cleavage?
How many times had he wanted to reach out to her, kiss her with all the passion he could muster and tell her that he loved her?
He couldn't tell Alexx why he was unable to confess his love to Calleigh, he had to keep it a secret for fear that the doctor would admonish him and demand that he see a shrink. His ego would not allow him to admit that he could hardly bear to be touched by another person after he had been abused so brutally by his captors.
Each time Calleigh had placed a tender hand on his body and tried to initiate meaningful contact he had pulled away as images of his abuse haunted him, confusing him as to what was real and what was fantasy. The demons still haunted him so vividly that he could no longer tell their touch from Calleigh's.
The sheer volume of information that his overworked senses were sending to his brain were too much to comprehend as he felt his tired mind overload, the only answer being to escape from everything and run away until he could form a cohesive thought once more. It might have been a cowardly thing to do but at least it kept what remained of his sanity intact.
He looked at his friend desperately. "I can't, Alexx….Please, I can't do this."
She held out an arm to him but he brushed it off as he once more took himself away to brood on his own in silence.
Miami. Present day:
The two women were distracted by a soft mewing from the far side of the room as Moses sauntered his way into the kitchen in search of food and attention.
"Well hello there," Alexx crooned as she bent down to stroke the animal. "Who might you be?"
"That's Moses, we found him injured outside on the porch a couple of weeks ago. We've kind of adopted him."
The doctor smiled and shook her head as she watched the cat tilt its head to the side as it regarded her, looking down to the ground and then back up at the new visitor to the house. "He's so like Horatio it's unnerving."
Calleigh let out a good-natured sigh. "I know...those two are usually thick as thieves. That cat follows him everywhere when he's here."
"It's the old Horatio charm, gets them every time," Alexx agreed as she smiled at her friend.
She watched as Calleigh's face fell at her words. "Sugar, he loves you…You've got to believe that."
The blonde woman gave her friend a watery smile. "I know….I just don't feel like I deserve it, not after the way I've treated him recently."
"You two are as bad as each other," Alexx tutted as she gave the other woman a sour look. "Would it surprise you to know that he thinks the same thing about you?"
"But those things I said to him…."
"Forget it and move on. Start making things right today." The words were firm but the look on Alexx's face told her that they were said with genuine love and affection. What had she ever done to deserve a friend as wonderful as her?