Love and Other Tragedies

by Fancyeyes

"We don't deserve her," the Head Boy answered thoughtfully. "None of us do. Not even me. Not because she's perfect. She's not. Sometimes I think she's even more disastrously flawed than the rest of us combined. And not because she's beautiful, even though she is. Certainly not for being lovely because she never was.We don't deserve her because she's so much more than we'll ever be"

16. Chapter Sixteen

Love and Other Tragedies

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I'm not making any money.

Dedication: This chapter is for everyone out there recommending my story to others. It makes me so happy to hear that someone directed a reader to LAOT because they enjoyed it enough to want to share it. You guys make my word count worth it. I've seen it on Tumblr and a few websites, and it makes my day!

Previously: FINALLY, James and Lily got on the same page. She told him how she felt and he kissed in stunning fashion with the whole school watching after a disappointing Quidditch loss to Ravenclaw. Sirius hadn't taken the revelation well, punching his best mate in the face. Lily, Kat, Evie, and Marley used to make up the girl's Gryffindor dorm for their year, but Lily moved into the Head Suite and Evie ran off with Xenophilius Lovegood. Kat and Lily both promised to do something brave when Lily is trying to convince Kat to go for it with Remus- which Kat completed by going for it with Remus and they've started a very low key relationship that only their close friends are aware of. Baker was awarded the Ring of Honor for his heroic services in the Aurors, and when he dies the ring was passed to Lily with the obligation of doing something with it that Baker would want. She wears the ring on a chain around her neck. James and Lily discovered a secret passage way in the Head Suite that leads directly to the kitchens through a muggle cookbook on a bookshelf.

A Divination Seminar that Lily participated in last term was supposed to tell them what their last thoughts would be, but for unexplained reasons has left her with possibly prophetic dreams about the deaths of her friends. Suffering from sleep deprivation, the nightmares take her to the night of the Simmons' murders, and she was forced to watch firsthand as Honor Simmons died. Lily spent the summer living at the Magical Menagerie in Diagon Alley where she fell in love with a Knut sized turtle named Harvey and he came to live with her at Hogwarts as a gift from Mr. Price. At the end of sixth year, Kat who had grown up an only child (and a spoiled one at that) was forced into sisterhood when her mother gave birth. Kat detest the baby, but Lily caught her planning to give her little sister, Medina, a pink stuffed animal for Easter.

Warning: I feel like I should give a warning and reminder that this story is rated M. This is in concern to sexual situations as well as violence, cursing, and other unpleasantness. Enjoy!

Chapter Sixteen

Roses Only

It was raining. Somewhere outside of the bubble of comfort, soft liquid tasted the ground as they met and became one. It wasn't enough to make Lily want to completely forgo the luxury of slumber, but it tickled at the back of her consciousness, weaving its way into her dreams.

It was late morning, threatening to push into the afternoon. She'd gotten up earlier, slipping from the bed silently so as to not wake up James. He'd looked so peaceful. His glasses safely folded on the bedside cabinet and his arms folded under his head where his pillow should have been. Maybe he preferred to sleep without a pillow. She'd never noticed before.

In the lavatory she'd discarded the clothes she'd slept in, only to pull on one of James' shirts from the pile of fresh laundry the elves had left. She had freshened up, brushing her teeth and untangling the rat's nest that had transformed her hair overnight. Creeping back into the Head Boy's room, she had been happy to note he hadn't moved an inch. Without the stiff day clothes cutting into her skin she had every intention of rejoining him and she had done just that, falling asleep as if the disturbance had never even occurred.

The rain had stopped the next time Lily felt the draw of reality. Something else- something stronger- pulled at her now.

He was staring at her. She could feel it even with her eyes closed. Her hyperawareness of him was odd, unlike anything she'd ever experienced before, almost supernatural.

"What the hell are you doing?" She asked holding her eyelids closed a moment longer. Was he watching her sleep? It might have been sweet if it was anyone else, but James had never been exactly sweet.

She was comforted by his expression when she finally opened her eyes at his persistent silence. He was turned on his side, facing her with his glasses back in place and elbow supporting his head off the bed so he could study her. His eyes held a hint of affection, a dollop of caution, and a whole lot of speculation. "I was trying to decide if I needed to get a priest to perform an exorcism. You slept like you'd been possessed by a demon. I feared for my safety… You growled."

She rolled her eyes. "I might have nudged you once- twice at the most. And I don't growl!"

He motioned for her to observe the bed around them. The evidence supported his claims. All of the covers were twisted around her limbs, leaving his side bare of even a mattress cover. She also realized his missing pillow had somehow come to be claimed by her side of the bed. "About halfway through the night I realized that I was meant to be relegated to this single corner and-."

"It stopped raining." She noted changing the subject eagerly. He'd never stop teasing otherwise.

The room was now bright with sunlight as if not a single cloud blocked the happy rays. She noticed other things about the room too. Moisture clung to the air with the sweet scent of soap. And James, who had passed out in his Quidditch trousers the night before, now wore thin lounge pants that were scarred with patches that had been re-stitched on. The water hadn't been outside. It had been the bath.

"Raining?" His brow wrinkled in confusion. "It hasn't-."

He sucked in a harsh breath as her cold hand smoothed down his bare arm. Her eyes had fully cleared of sleep and she was helpless to the soft glow of his freshly showered skin. He was warm and the kind of soft that only a long shower left behind. Her eyes followed her teasing fingers as they traveled back up his toned arm to spread liberally across is naked chest.

She was mesmerized by the texture and radiated heat, as if the past was written all over his unblemished body. With grotesquely slow movements she touched him everywhere- not to discover, but to claim. She stared at the loose drawstrings that tickled her palm without making the slightest motion to free the hardness she could see growing beneath. His stomach quivered underneath her distracted attentions, and she looked up at him questioningly.

His gaze was fierce, turning her insides into molten lava, but also hard and unwavering. He was on top of her in an instant, pushing his body down on hers fully. She gasped loudly from the pressure and the obscene hardness. His arms wrapped tightly around her, holding her head to the bed when she tried desperately to meet his lips. He gazed down at her with the same look of fierceness that meant something more- something she didn't understand.

She was helpless against him. He was in complete control and she almost growled in frustration, but couldn't take the teasing that he would surely retaliate with. She glared up at his unchanged expression. "I could make you kiss me, you know."

He didn't say a word, unconcerned by her declaration and distracted by whatever storm that was always raging beneath the surface. It was a challenge to her. He held her head in place, but not her hands. Fingernails ran up and down his sides with the briefest sensation. Her only reward a shiver, but at least she knew she was affecting him. She uselessly tried to wiggle against him, but he was flat against her and unyielding.

The flimsy trousers became her ally and the overworked drawstring came loose easily, allowing her to free him of them down to his thighs. It was just enough to feel the warmth of his member pressing against the soaked material of her knickers. She wiggled again, not for his benefit this time, but as a slave to her own desire.

"Don't you want to be inside of me, James?" Her voice was husky as she stared up at his marble façade. "I want you so badly- need you. Just push into me. Fill me up until I scream. I want to come around your big co-."

His actions were as fast as lightning- one hand ensnaring the both of her hands above her head, while the other wedged between them, yanking her knickers to the side. She bucked up at him nearly crying out without even being entered. His thickness pressed against her- so large, but he didn't push in even though she could see the glassiness of his eyes and the sharpness of his breaths.

"Say it again." He demanded.

She whimpered wantonly. "Anything."

The storm broke in his eyes like a thunderstorm down his face until she could plainly read the need- for more than just the physical, but for the emotional. "Tell me you love me again."

Lily was silent staring up at him, torn between two unbelievable needs. He had already surrendered though. She could see it in his eyes. He didn't hold her back this time when captured his lips. Their mouths twisting together so desperately it was almost violent. She pulled back only for a second to whisper. "No."

He plunged into her savagely, stretching her until her knees were as weak as jelly. She had called his bluff and they were both reaping the rewards. He rocked into her relentlessly until the world was nothing but a swirl of sweat and heat and the knocking of the headboard into the wall behind them- every penetration a delightful punishment for her denial. He didn't hold back though whimpering "I love you" again and again as if he could force it upon her.

She came in a dizzying moan. Her body rocketed by aftershocks each time he pushed into her again. Breathless and satisfied she watched him pour into her. His face twisting with pleasure so biting that it brought the echoes of pain. He was truly beautiful in a way that she never would be. His honesty, his sureness, his vitality- made him so much more.

He tried to pull away. She could see the raw hurt that had been squelched by their pleasure. She held onto him, not letting him move an inch. He was still inside her and she liked the intimacy. "I love you too much to let you think you have to manipulate me into saying it James Potter."

He remained frozen for a moment before accepting her words and relaxing onto the bed, taking her with him. "Bloody wench."

She glared at him. "We really need to work on your pillow talk, Potter. So far you've accused me of being demon possessed and called me a wench."

He laughed, rolling onto his back to stretch unashamed of his nudity. In fact he was so natural it made her feel as if she was the one who should feel uncomfortable somehow remaining in his shirt and her knickers. How her knickers survived that encounter was beyond her. "What would you prefer? How about 'baby'? Or maybe you're up for something a little more original- say… 'Lilykins'? There's always the classic 'darling'."

She smiled unwillingly. "I think I've had enough nicknames to last a lifetime… Why don't we just stick to 'Lily'?"

He sighed happily reaching out to take her hand before a grimaced racked his features. "Lovely Lily."

"I was never Lovely to you though, was I?" She rolled to her side so she could study his face. Only he would understand the real depth the question held.

"No." He remarked sourly, angry that this subject had been able to creep into the bed. "You've always just been Lily to me. I didn't need her to love you. Your flaws make you who you are… A rose couldn't survive without its thorns after all."

A strange unfamiliar feeling prickled at her neck. "I suppose I'm not really 'Lovely Lily' to anyone anymore. Not now…"

There was so much between them- an entire universe of unspoken realities. They'd spent so much time ignoring the truths of their situation that even now the words just wouldn't materialize. The silence was foreboding- not uncomfortable, that didn't exist between them anymore- but it pressed on her to remain quiet. It was frustrating and she was absolutely fed up with it and she refused to let this –anything- come between them!

"Sirius." She said calmly, neither a declaration nor an acknowledgment. It felt so unbelievably odd to have that name with them like this. It had been a taboo before. The only way they had been able to live with themselves before had been to completely dissociate Sirius from them when they were together. She just wanted to say it to prove she could.

His face shuttered involuntarily. "Pardon me?"

"Wow, we didn't get struck by lightning or die on the spot or anything." She remarked. "I just think we've become so conditioned to the idea that what we're doing is wrong that if we don't find a way to break out of it, everyone else will think it's wrong too."

"Lily," He began- his tone leaving no question that she wasn't going to like the rest of what he had to say. "Leave Sirius alone."

"I agree that for right now he needs space." She nodded with agreeing words.

"No… It's done." He got out of bed, pulling on clothes as he went.

"What's done?" A hysterical laugh bubbled at the absurdity. "He's your best mate, James…No, he's your brother! You can't mean that you're just okay with losing him from your life forever!"

He turned back to her with rage in his eyes. "It's done, Lily! Leave it alone. You can't possibly understand the-the…betrayal that he feels right now. I did that to him. I did it!"

"But we can fix it. Don't you see? We have to at least try! He's important to me too." She stood toe to toe with him, unwilling to back down, her voice sharp and condemning.

"Oh, I know that!" He shot back this time with bitterness that clenched all the way down to his shaking fists. "I didn't just realize I was in love with you yesterday, Lily. In case you've forgotten I had to watch every day while you proved just how important he was to you for a year."

"This is about your jealousy? That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard!" She shouted at him, pushing all her energy out until she suddenly felt exhausted. Stepping back she sat weakly on the bed. "And I couldn't take it if I was the reason. I've loved you all since I was eleven. I don't think I could live with the fact that I ruined that. You're the Marauders for Merlin's sake!"

He remained standing, but his voice was calm when he spoke. "I made a choice. It wasn't rash. It wasn't forced. With you- I never had a choice about the way I felt. I still don't. Being in love with you isn't a choice at all... But when I kissed you, I had a choice. I knew all the consequences and repercussions, and I chose you. I knew that it meant losing Sirius…and maybe some part of me is still angry with him for loving you when you were mine all along, but it doesn't matter. These are the choices that were made. We all just have to live with it now."

She didn't know why his attitude surprised her so much. It was an essentially 'James' thing to do. When she and Sirius had started dating, he hadn't fought it or made a fuss. They made their decision and that was that. Maybe it was just because it was Sirius and James and the epic-ness of that just seemed too big to touch or alter. He was good at repressing…to a point. He was excellent at accepting…to a point. She just had to find the right point.

"How about lunch?" He grinned slipping on his mask again, and accepting her silence as understanding of his position.

She made a face.

"We'll take the passage. I'm not ready for the stares either." He assured her and she agreed.

And they did exactly that. They shared a Sunday alone, enjoying the newness of their relationship. And shagging…lots of that. She slept in her own bed that night, avoiding James' teasing about her sleeping habits, but also unwilling to fall into the trap of too much too fast. Monday morning came and they went through their routine only making remarks here and there to break up the comfortable silence.

They took the passage to the kitchens for breakfast with Lily's promise that it was just "one more time," and then there were no more excuses. It was time to face reality.

Walking to class the Head Boy and Girl didn't hold hands or even touch, but from the way the students parted for them one would think she had her legs wrapped around his waist with his tongue down her throat. Care of Magical Creatures was meeting by the Great Lake and James and Lily arrived with the last group of stragglers.

The class circled around the professor and as the older woman droned on about the magical swans they were going to be observing, Lily stared at the huge distance between them and their friends. James' spot within the Marauders was left hideously gaping- like an open wound or missing finger. It was wrong. He belonged to them- neither whole without the other. Her hand twitched, but she resisted the urge to reach out and touch him. He belonged to her too.

She tried to catch Kat's eye, but the other girl was always looking somewhere else. Lily couldn't tell if she was ostracizing them with the rest of the group or just lacking attention when it came to Care of Magical Creatures.

After awhile she gave up and concentrated on the beautiful swans that draped across the landscape before them. Some floating like feathers across the surface of the Great Lake while others perched on the shore a few feet from where she stood. They were beautiful and pure solid white. There were two that stayed away from the others that were as black as midnight, but just as beautiful.

"Purus Swans." James told her after the professor dismissed them to their assignment. "I'll never understand how you manage to get top marks when your mind is always in the clouds."

"How are they magical?" She asked ignoring his comment and following him to an isolated swan as the group dispersed to find their own.

"Their presence brings protection. Lots of purebloods like to fill their properties with them. The feathers are used for potions and even wand cores. That's what we're doing- collecting feathers." He told her trying to ease closer to the peaceful swan. Lily took a step closer as well, but the swan eyed her warily. "They don't like crowds. I'll get both of ours."

She wanted to disagree and insist she could participate just as much as he did, but her mind just wasn't in it today.

Hagrid, the gamekeeper, was lingering a little ways down the lake and Lily decided to go say hello. She'd always liked him.

"Mornin' there Lily!" He greeted cheerfully, throwing another handful of feed into the lake.

"Hello Hagrid." She smiled taking a spot beside him as they both stared out over the lake. At first she was confused by his actions and then a green head popped out of the surface and snatched a bit of the food Hagrid had thrown. The action was repeated several different times over the wide area he'd tossed the food. "I didn't know the Great Lake had turtles!"

"'Course it does. I figure just about everything lives somewhere in there. Lot deeper than yer' think it is." He told her in his deep rolling voice.

"I have a pet turtle." She smiled thinking about her tiny friend. "He's a lot smaller than those turtles though."

"Yer' should bring 'em around sometime. I'd love to meet the lil' fella."

She nodded thinking that Harvey would probably enjoy that as well. He loved being around new friends, showing off his best tricks upon meeting.

When she was done talking to the large gamekeeper she started back to her mingling class when a pen set a bit off the lake caught her eye. Two girls no older than second years crowded around the small topless fence, and as Lily approached it was easy to see why. Baby swans as white as their parents swarmed in the enclosure, waddling around and falling over themselves clumsily. It was positively adorable.

"Aren't they just darling?" One of the little girls gushed, reaching down to nuzzle a baby swan on the head.

"I wish I could keep one!" The other girl told Lily earnestly as if as Head Girl she had the authority to make this dream come true.

"They'd miss their mums if they went to live with you now." Lily told her gently standing along the pen with them. "I admit they're tempting though."

She'd only just begun to incline down to pet one of the creatures when something slammed into her so hard that she was flung to the ground. The fall knocked all air out of her lungs instantly, but the thing that had attacked her didn't relent. In a flurry of feathers she was plucked and bitten viscously all the while a horrible disorienting screeching filled her ears. She reacted instinctively kicking outwards trying to dislodge the possessed animal, but missed and lost a chunk of hair in the process.

All at once someone had the deranged swan away from her and she was being pulled up into a pair of sturdy arms. Hagrid fought with the swan a few feet away as it still tried to get at Lily.

"Get away from the swanlings!" Someone shouted, maybe Hagrid, maybe the professor. She was too disoriented to tell.

She was dragged away limping and confused along with the whole class that had rushed over to see the commotion.

"What the bloody hell?" James exclaimed to no one in particular, pulling feathers from her fussed hair and checking her for other injuries in a rapid cycle again and again.

The shock was starting to where off and pain set in. She'd been tackled, bitten, and she was sure she'd seen at least a handful of her long hair on the ground. As her eyes pricked and lip quivered, she'd never felt more like a girl. She gulped down the emotions. It was silly and she fought hard to regain her composure. "I saw the girls playing with the babies. I-I-I wasn't going to hurt them. I-I-I just wanted to pet one."

The group crowded around her and listened to her explanation, temporarily distracted from scandal. Marley voiced their confusion. "Professor, why did the Purus Swan attack Lily and not the other girls? Lily wasn't even touching them."

To all of their surprise the professor blushed bright pink before collecting herself enough to answer. "A Purus Swan is dependent upon purity to retain their powers. If the purity is disrupted before maturity- even to the slightest touch, the swan will turn from its natural white to solid black and lose all magical properties. The mother Purus felt threatened and did what was necessary to protect her young."

The seventh year Slytherin and Gryffindors were silent as they pondered this response, perplexed by their teacher's clinical explanation.

It was Evan Rosier who came to the conclusion first with a burst of ecstatic laughter. "So the swan attacked Evans because she's not a VIRGIN!"

It was a nightmare. It had to be a nightmare. She might as well have been standing in the Great Hall during dinner stark naked while they critiqued her form over chicken pot pies and cherry pastries. Her cheeks scorched painfully as the thirty or so witnesses set her on fire with their condemnatory eyes. Lips puckering in a surprised 'O,' she helplessly wondered how fast this news would travel through Hogwarts. Would their entire year know by lunch? Would a group a first years discuss it by the fire of the common room that night pretending to understand the adult nature of the gossip? Would her professors be shaking their heads over her essays tomorrow?

She blinked long and hard trying to clear her vision of this horrendous truth and when she opened them, hard grey eyes waited for her. Standing at the edge of crowd, the boy she'd thought she'd been in love with for a year stared back at her. There was no judgment, no anger- all that was there was betrayal. Betrayal so pure that for an instant she wondered if James was right, maybe it couldn't be fixed.

"Damn… Potter works fast." Someone chortled in the sea of faces. She couldn't see who said it, her eyes whipping around the gathered circle that seemed to multiply as her shame grew.

She saw Snape though. His black hair tied back and body slumped with the posture he'd carried since they were nothing more than neighborhood kids jumping off swings. For some reason while at any other moment she could erase him from her everyday life like a chorus member in the play of her reality, she could not push him into the background at that moment. His face was blank- so blank it was like he'd left his mind behind. Maybe he had.

Lily wished she could join him. She would have done almost anything to escape this torture.

"Class dismissed!" The professor cried trying to settle the uproar that had become her class. "Potter, take the Head Girl to the Hospital Wing to be looked over."

"Yeah, she might be pregnant!" A faceless voice called, rallying the class into a tizzy again.

It seemed James was barely paying attention to the situation, still pulling feathers off her and smoothing her clothes as if blood would suddenly starting spurting from a body part. She wanted to shake off his worry, but was too shocked to do anything- even move.

"What are you a bunch of first years?" A new voice declared strong and sure above the raucous class. "If you all are so amazed by sex maybe you should go home and ask mummy and daddy about the birds and bees… Grow up the lot of you!"

And then her defender was at her side, taking the arm James didn't have, and they both led her up to the castle. Kat didn't even blink at the group she had just scolded as they left them behind.

"Oh, dear!" Cried a distracted Madame Pomfrey, seeing Lily's tattered state as they entered. "Let me just finish this potion and I'll be with you right away."

The matron disappeared into her office. The three seventh years stood silently for a minute before the dam finally broke and Lily burst into embarrassed sobs. James and Kat helped her to the nearest bed and she hiccupped through another round of tears. "That was mortifying!"

"Now." Kat amended with a cautious grin spreading across her face. "In a few years that story will be gold."

"And Evans, I really think we might need to evaluate your strength because you were just nearly murdered by a bird." James said joining in on Kat's encouraging grin.

Laughter bubbled with her tears. "Thank you."

"Potter, why don't you shove off for a bit? I'll make sure Lily gets properly looked over." Kat said with a pointed look.

James took the hint and looked to Lily imploringly. "I'll see you at lunch?"

"Discounting any vengeful swans, I'll be there." She tried her own joke to match theirs, but it was soggy and unconvincing.

"So…" Kat perched on the hospital bed across from Lily once James had made his exit.

For months she'd wanted to spill her guts to Kat about everything going with James, but now that everything was out in the open she was having a hard time thinking of what to say. "Yep."

"I guess we did both promise to do something brave." She fussed with her dark fringe as she spoke reminding Lily of the forgotten promise she'd made when trying to convince Kat she should confront her feelings for Remus. "Snogging James Potter in front of the entire school definitely takes a certain amount of courage."

"Somehow I don't think that's exactly what Godric Gryffindor had in mind." Lily snorted, patting her drying cheeks and wiping away any leftover smudges. "I'm sorry I haven't been completely honest with you the past few months."

Kat sighed, her petite body deflating as she swung her legs freely off the side of the bed. She was so short they didn't even brush the ground, whereas Lily's feet were planted firmly across from her. "How did we manage to get so far apart?"

Lily knew she didn't mean the physical space that separated them. It was the same distance she'd felt with Evie even before she had left Hogwarts. "Maybe that's just what happens when you grow up."

"You're still my best mate." Kat insisted stubbornly with a spark in her blue eyes.

"I wouldn't have it any other way." Lily assured her. She needed to hold onto their friendships. They shared so much of the same history. Kat, Lily, and Evie had come to Hogwarts as strangers to this overwhelming world. For years they'd been the only constants in a life that just wouldn't slow down no matter how much they wanted it to. She would always love Kat, but the ease of the past was gone between them now.

Lily began to say something else, but the matron returned and began her examination. Twenty minutes later, a healed and featherless Lily emerged from the Hospital Wing with Kat beside her.

"James Potter, huh?" The shorter girl asked after a long moment of reflective silence. "How long has that been going on?"

Lily tried to mute her brilliant smile in return. "A while, much to my chagrin."

She continued before Kat could question her statement. "I only started to fancy him last term, but I think I was in love with him for a lot longer than that… But I'd made such a mess dating Sirius-."

"We've far surpassed mess now." Kat cut in raising both her eyebrows in exaggeration. "The Marauders are in full on meltdown mode."

"That bad?" The Head Girl flinched.

"Worse." Kat met her eyes as they continued to walk to class. "Sirius has been through so much this year with his uncle and Honor and well…"

"Me." She supplied unhappily. "You know that I would never ever intentionally do anything to hurt him, right? I love Sirius, but I love him in the way that I love you and Peter and Remus. James and I would have never gone there if we both didn't know that it was worth it… And he is. James is worth it to me."

Kat stopped walking and turned to her with a somber face. "It's just all so sudden for the rest of us. You and James have had time to come to terms with all this I guess, but for the rest of us it's this huge bloody surprise… And, I mean, they're the ruddy Marauders! Everybody just kind of thought that no matter what other relationships bloomed or failed that their connection was impenetrable. I'm rambling, I know. I just don't know how to say what I'm trying to say."

The words stabbed at Lily's guilty conscious even though she knew it wasn't her old dorm mate's intention. She was just being honest, but facing the consequences they'd chosen didn't make them hurt any less.

Kat took a deep breath before beginning again. "I'm on your side, Lovely. I always will be, but I don't know if that means that I think all of this is right, or okay, or moral. I know a lot of people- a lot of our friends- think it's horrible. I know that Sirius is really really hurt and Remus and Peter don't know how to fix it."

"Kat." Lily whimpered almost a whisper, a plea for her to stop.

But Kat was wrapped up in her own words, not even noticing Lily had spoken. "It's funny- well, not funny- but it's ironic, I guess. Remus and Peter will both be running about trying to figure out what to do to help Sirius, and you can almost see it on their faces when they'll turn to ask James what to do and they realize he isn't there anymore… You and James were always the best with him and maybe that's why it's so horrible."

"I feel horrible." She suddenly felt exhausted.

"But you aren't horrible. And I don't suppose James is either." Kat rambled on. "I just wanted you to be prepared that things are going to be bad, and even if it might not always feel that way- I'm on your side. But I can see the others' side too."

"So what you're saying is?"

"I don't want to be in the middle of it." Kat released the statement with a great exhale as if she'd been holding her breath through the entire speech.

Lily summoned an indulgent smile. "It's okay, Kat. As much as I appreciate you standing up for me today, I can face this without needing back-up in every class. Even if things get bad, I'll know you're still my best mate. No apology or explanation necessary."

It wasn't until lunch that Lily could fully appreciate Kat's worry for the backlash they would face.

She'd only had one class before lunch and she'd arrived late, pulling her quill and parchment out immediately and successfully blocking out the outside world in favor the of the professor's lecture.

Unfortunately there was no amount of concentration on her soup that could block out the reality around them. James sat across from her equally silent but with twice the control over his facial reactions as they heard horrible things whispered in their direction. She had expected for them to have to find a new place at the Gryffindor table to eat, but upon arrival she'd discovered it was the rest of the group who had found a new spot.

She had turned away with every intention of finding a new place to sit too, but James' stoic face never faltered as he took his normal seat. She followed his example filing in across from him. It was horrible. She felt exposed and naked as they occupied the space haunted with the ghost of their spoiled friendships.

"Your birthday is next week." She remarked, unable to stomach the silence any longer.

His mask split for an instant showing surprise and pleasure that she'd remembered. "Pity. I was enjoying dating an older woman."

She laughed never having thought about it like that. Another strange idea occurred to her. "Is that what we are? Dating?"

He shrugged careful to keep his eyes trained on her and not to peek down the table where they belonged with their friends. "It's a bit late to back out now."

"It's just hard to see you in that role. I can't see you as anybody's boyfriend." Chewing on her lip, she thought over the label.

For a moment he looked like he might be insulted before his face relaxed into a different expression. "I don't really see us that way either… It's just like…"

"…It's just like we're together." She picked up where he could not find the words to describe them. "Like we're where we're supposed to be with each other. It just seems natural."

"Just so you know, I'm probably going to stick with girlfriend when I write to my mum." His smile cracked crookedly. "The other label is kind of a mouthful and if I went off spouting anything romantic she'd probably send a Healer to look me over. Or worse…she might decide to come herself."

"I'd like to meet your mum." She told him trying to conjure up the woman from memory. She was sure she'd seen her once or twice at some point over the last seven years.

"Oy… moving a bit fast, aren't you Evans?" He made a face.

Blushing horribly it took her a full five seconds to notice how close James was to breaking his accosted façade and laughing. She threw a cookie at him. "You arse!"

He caught the dessert and took a bite, chuckling the whole time at his joke. "I'd love for you to meet Mr. and Mrs. Potter. And they'd just looove you."

She smiled confidently at that. "I do give excellent parent."

Over the next week things continued in much of the same manner. It was James and Lily against the world, or at least that was how it felt most of the time. School was forced front and center into everyone's lives as the reality of NEWTS marched towards them. Most of Lily's time was consumed by school work or perfecting prefect duties. Her counterpart's life was going much the same with addition of Quidditch practice and dealing with the loss of his best mate.

On March twenty-seventh, Lily woke up early, making her way through the secret passage to the kitchens before returning not half an hour later. She didn't worry about waking him as she entered his room. He slept like the dead and didn't even flinch when she crawled onto his body, straddling his waist.

"Happy birthday, Potter." She whispered, still holding the small plate between them. A House Elf had been kind enough to whip up the special Snitch shaped treat and Lily had decorated the sweet with a single candle.

He opened his eyes with a pleased groaning sound as he stretched, snatching his glasses off the bedside cabinet smoothly. "Oh, it's you."

She swatted him with her free hand. "Were you expecting your other girlfriend?"

He smirked that infamous Marauder smirk and she was helpless to grin in return. "You'll do… as long as the cupcake is for me."

"You have to make a wish and blow out your candle first." She corrected him, holding the plate closer to his face.

He did as she instructed, closing his eyes in concentration before extinguishing the flame. She closed her eyes too, making a wish of her own. She hoped he was wishing to find a way to make things right with Sirius. His stubbornness was shocking, and it frightened her. What if she really had broken them? She'd never wanted that. She'd only wanted to be a part of them.

"Are you ready for your present?" She asked clearing her mind of the ominous thoughts.

He grabbed her hips suggestively, indicating exactly what he'd like his 'gift' to entail, but she shook him off. "What if I told you that we've been given the day off to complete some very serious Head business? I've already cleared it with Dumbledore and all our professors."

"I'd say I'd rather not spend my birthday doing Head business." He answered sensibly, causing Lily to borrow his smirk.

"What if I told you that I'd already taken care of said Head business and we have the whole day to do whatever you want?"

"Then I'd say you've been a very devious girl and could most definitely use a spanking." His grin was full as he rolled them over suddenly, squashing the forgotten treat between them as Lily squealed with laughter.

It was as close to a perfect day that Lily had ever had. They'd played games, had a picnic in their courtyard, watched as Snitch battled Lily for James' affection, and allowed Harvey to swim in the fountain after placing a warming charm on the water. When the sun set, James threw her over his shoulder and laid her on his bed. They had sex until she was lazily satiated and they both sprawled across his bed, now bare of anything save for them and unabashedly naked.

Lost in thought Lily toyed with the Ring of Honor on the chain around her neck. She never took it off, not even to shower. She didn't even notice James' attention until his hand reached up and wrapped around hers as it held the ring. It felt far more personal than what they'd just done. "Is it wrong to be jealous of him?"

She looked into his eyes startled by the prospect and also by the sudden mention to her dead best mate. James was so confident- so sure of himself. Jealousy just didn't mix into the picture she had of him in her mind. "What's there to be jealous of?"

"Did you love him?" He asked instead of answering. His hazel eyes darting back to the ring intertwined in their hands, as if he couldn't bear to watch her expression as she answered.

"Yes," She said with a certainty in her voice that nibbled at his composure. "I did."

"But you weren't in love with him." He told her, still not daring to look at her face.

She thought for a moment before responding. "I can't really explain what I had with Baker. He was…" Her voice cracked unbearably and she hated herself for having to fight against the lump in her throat. Would it ever stop hurting so much?

"I am jealous." James' gaze snapped to hers. "I'm jealous of the piece of you that died with him... It wasn't his to take."

She loathed the way that sounded on his lips. She pulled Baker's ring out of his grasp until only her fingers coddled the gold. "You're right. Baker took a piece of me with him when he died. Maybe like we belong to each other, Baker belonged to me too. Just like Sirius belongs to you. But Baker is dead. He died, and I'll never get to talk to him or joke with him again. He was… -there aren't even words for people like him and Sirius and what they mean to us! They're so much more... The difference is that I'll never get to have Baker again and you're just letting Sirius walk out of your life without even the slightest fight."

James turned away from her until she was only gifted with the sight of his back.

Her hand lifted to caress his skin and dissolve the distance between them, but she pulled back at the last second resolutely. She wanted James to be happy (it was his birthday, after all) but making him happy right now and making him happy in the long run were opposing entities for the time being. She needed to stand her ground. He needed to know that this wasn't okay.

The next day they returned to life, leaving the unsettled business to linger around them like persistent dust particles in an old room.

The dreams returned the week before Easter Holidays. They weren't nearly as horrific now that she knew she didn't have to feel them. As the fictional Baker had pointed out, she only had to accept it.

Every morning she woke up with only a vague sense of anguish that she couldn't nail down to any memory of the dream. Just as always, the terrors that haunted her nights were only ghostly flashes in her wakeful mind. They made her resentful of sleep though, and even though she often laid with James as he fell into peaceful slumber, she'd hold her mind alert for hours after eventually seeking the comforts of her own room where Harvey stood faithfully guard over her bed.

For a while she had been convinced that Harvey's health issues were somehow connected to her stress as if she radiated an aura of pain that even tiny emerald turtles weren't exempt from, but his returned sunny disposition now seemed to prove otherwise. He was once again the sensation of life, holding her captivated with zigzagging loops and twisting spins that she watched through the clear water of his pond as the moon made its rotation unnoticed through the sky outside.

"I don't fancy waking up alone." James murmured in her ear. She was still curled up in a ball facing Harvey's aquarium, and he sat in the small space her position allowed with his feet on the ground. He was already dressed for the day in a red jumper that softly hugged his shoulders.

She hadn't even realized she'd fallen asleep. It felt like she'd only blinked, lying on her side watching Harvey entertain her, but James had brought the sun with him and she knew it had been hours (if only a few) since she'd given in to the night. The dreams hadn't come though. Her heart didn't race from the sights she couldn't fully remember, and instead of waking up with a jolt, sleep clung to her fluttering eyelashes tempting her with restfulness. "-'m sorry. I'll do better."

His chuckle jostled her awake again only a moment later. "I think that was an empty promise, Ms. Evans."

She frowned at him, trying to compel her mind into full consciousness. It was unsuccessful however and her eyes drifted closed once again. Vaguely she felt his lips ghost across her temple. He sighed and whispered to himself in a way that she didn't know if she was supposed to hear. "I wish you had agreed to come with me for holiday."

"Someone has to keep Hogwarts safe while everyone's away." She mumbled not bothering to open her eyes anymore. It was a poor excuse and they both knew it, but she couldn't confess the real reason she was reluctant to spend Easter with his family.

James' parents were very close with Sirius. They considered him something of a second son, and she was secretly hoping that upon hearing about the rift they could talk some sense into the stubborn Head Boy. If she admitted this to James though, he would shut down like he always did when the subject came up, unwilling to even consider Sirius forgiving him.

"Well then I leave the school in very capable hands." His light voice masked any deeper feelings. "Unless a bevy of swans decide to invade, that is."

Groaning she twisted away from him and buried her face deep into the comforts of her sheets.

"I can't say that I wasn't expecting a different sendoff." His voice remained in good-humor.

"You're leaving now?" Her eyes opened wide for the first time as realization set in, and she wrestled against the quilts that ensnared her legs. "I was going to come see you off at the train. I wanted to see Kat."

"It's fine." His sincere voice pressed her back into the bed. "Do you really want to come and be gawked at by a bunch of students only interested in the gossip? And we both know that Cooper will be a terror today. She'll be so consumed with irritation at having to spend time with her little sister that she won't even notice you… I would tell you to go back to sleep, but you already are."

She jerked her eyelids up for a second caught, but not abashed enough to fully dismiss sleep.

There were things she wanted to say. She wanted to correct him, not that Kat wouldn't been milking the baby sister thing for all it was worth, but that Lily actually had sneaking suspicions after finding the small Easter gift that it was becoming more of an act than anything. Kat had secretly grown fond of the baby.

She wanted to tell him that she was sure that she'd miss him. She wanted to say that she loved him, but her thoughts had already cradled her down the river of dreamless sleep, and all she could do was mumble something of a combination of all of it.

Somewhere in the back of her mind she heard him laugh appreciatively at her attempt. "That was the most beautiful bunch of nonsense I've ever heard."

And then he was gone.

Her growling stomach woke her up around noon, and she showered and dressed swiftly in anticipation of the meal that awaited her.

Students were sparse, and she was surprised that a far greater number of Gryffindors were missing than at any of the other tables. Along with James- Kat, Marley, and Sirius had also left the castle, leaving a directionless Remus and Peter to wander back to their old spots near Lily. They twosome sat with a careful distance between them and the Head Girl, but she didn't miss the longing sideways peeks Peter was throwing her. Remus sat with the same calm yet uncomfortable posture that had always plagued him.

She was just building up the courage to try and make conversation when a slouching Callum Palmer slid into the seat opposite her.

Both remaining Marauders took notice of the evasion with suspicious glances that made Lily scowl at them. Of course this went unnoticed by the boys because they were too busy going back to resolutely ignoring her presence. They needed to make up their ruddy minds! They could either accept James' relationship with her, or continue acting like she didn't exist, but they couldn't have it both ways, daggering her with looks of betrayal as if she was doing something wrong to James by sitting with Callum, while refusing to admit they still even gave a damn about her or James.

"I didn't see you at breakfast." Callum smiled and spoke conversationally with his usual cheer that made his slight accent a little more pronounced. "I thought you might have decided to go with Potter."

She shook her head, swallowing her mouthful. "Can't say I'm not surprised to see you here though. I was looking forward to a fresh batch of the Palmer sister stories."

Callum's childhood had been terribly different from her own. He was one of five children and the only boy. She adored hearing him regale tales of growing up with three sisters, who enjoyed torturing him and pampering him in equal parts. Even though he complained about them, adding exaggerated groans and cheeky remarks to every account, there was a certain spark in his eye that was only present when he thought about his family.

He looked uncomfortable and squirmed uneasily in his seat. She suppressed a smile, knowing he was probably remembering a particular story that happened to be her favorite one, involving his sisters dressing him up as a girl and forcing him to pretend he was their sister "Callie" for two whole weeks. "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but with all the preparation that I put into the game against Gryffindor my marks suffered a tad."

Lily gasped dramatically, grinning widely. "What would Rowena Ravenclaw say?"

"She'd probably berate me very publicly, but then make sure to reward me loads of House points for the spectacular win. Not that anyone has even spoken a word about the match after they witnessed the show that followed." He teased in retaliation, running a confidant hand through his curly black hair. "I suppose I'll just have to beat the stuffing out of Hufflepuff to make them take notice, unless you and your boyfriend have another scandal planned, of course."

"Hufflepuff only has to hold you within twenty points and the cup is eligible to be won by any of the four houses." A clear female voice rang out from behind Lily.

"Prescott." Lily smiled widely as she turned to Piper gesturing for her to take the seat beside her. "I didn't know you were staying at Hogwarts."

"Father had some rather unexpected business to address." The golden haired Hufflepuff managed to sit down without spreading a single wrinkle across her well manicured robes. She looked down her straight nose at the Head Girl. "We have not spoken since you and Potter became a couple."

"Er…" Flushing red, Lily's brain malfunctioned as it searched for words. So much time had been consumed with concern over the Marauders and Sirius' reactions that she'd scarcely had time to consider how Piper would feel about the situation.

"I was taken by surprise." Piper said and Lily could tell that it didn't happen often from her tone. "We are friends."

As much as Lily enjoyed Piper's unique sense of direct honesty, sometimes it was just as confusing as dealing with someone who spoke in riddles. "Er…I'm sorry?"

And just like that, Piper nodded, and said with perfection conviction-. "It is going to rain today. The cloud density implies a large downpour."

Not sure whether to laugh or be suspicious, Lily avoided Callum's eyes. He'd already made his feelings about Piper perfectly clear.

"Well…the grass has been rather dry lately." Lily offered weakly, earning a snort from Callum.

"Yes." Piper nodded and then stood with a graceful abruptness that only she could perfect, without the slightest acknowledgement of the Ravenclaw sitting with them. She wasn't being rude. It was just her way. "I will see you at dinner."

Callum had just started to shake his head, trying to clear it of the whiplash that Piper Prescott left in her wake when she turned back to them sharply only a few paces away. "There is a party in the Hufflepuff common room on Wednesday night. We are friends and I would like you to come."

Lily nodded quickly, crossing her fingers under the table that Callum would be able to hold his disbelief in long enough to let the prefect out of hearing distance.

"It's official." He spoke and she relaxed watching her friend's blonde hair disappear out of the Great Hall. "I will never understand what you see in her. She's so peculiar…It's unsettling."

She shrugged in return. She didn't necessarily understand it either. "Well at least it got us invited to a little fun while the castle is deserted."

They finished their meal and set out to find things to occupy their time for their off days.

Between study sessions with Callum and interludes with Piper, the week was passing less painfully than she thought it would without James there to take half the brunt of the scandal they'd caused. It helped that half the school was gone as well and only forced her to interact with Remus and Peter who were both too fearful of confrontation to cause a stir.

The dreams had petered off since holiday began, but she was reluctant to find solace in their absence. Something unnerved her about the calm, though she was helpless to put a finger on the cause. She should have been happy. She was certainly well rested- possibly too well rested. It had been so long since sleep offered a haven of safety that she'd taken to overindulgence, remaining in bed until her joints were stiff and head fuzzy. She'd forgotten that sleeping too much could have the same effect of a lack of sleep, making her tired throughout the day.

When a third yawn caught her on the way to the Hufflepuff common room Wednesday night, she vowed to wake up early the next morning. She'd momentarily forgotten that the entrance was down the same long corridor as the Head Suite (just passed the kitchens), and was sure she'd be one of the first to arrive.

Scurrying into the barrel filled nook that disguised the tricky entrance, Lily pulled out her wand and carefully counted up two barrels from bottom in the middle row. With quick well placed taps on the wooden barrel she hummed out the tune of 'Helga Hufflepuff' along with her rhythm. She had no desire to experience the sneaky repelling device that she'd learned about only upon her initiation as Head Girl.

There was a long pause that made her cringe, closing her eyes with anticipation, before the lid swung open and she sighed with relief.

"Oy!" The body that accompanied the cheerful surprised voice crawled out of the space before she could wiggle in. "Good thing you got that right or you'd smell so foul that not even Lovely Lily would be welcomed. I was just coming to stand guard and let invited guest in."

She gave the younger student a friendly smile before wishing him good luck and crawling though the circular tunnel he'd just come out of. The slanting floor led her further underground, but instead of getting cool and airy like the dungeons, the environment warmed and swelled around her. Arriving at the mouth of the common room, she stood and dusted her knees off without fretting over the new wrinkle in her jeans. It wasn't like anyone would notice when she was usually covered in them.

She'd selected a navy shirt for the evening that wrapped around her securely and dipped just low enough in a 'V' to show where Baker's Ring of Honor settled on her chest. Since it was a special occasion she'd even tried a curling charm on her now straight locks, but it refused to hold and she'd given up, wrapping her long dark hair into a restless bun.

The round room was only occupied by a little over a dozen students, and she caught sight of Piper who was cutting a brisk path right to her.

"Lily." Her signature nod was in full force. "You look respectable."

The Head Girl didn't even bat an eye at the odd compliment. She'd take what she could get. "Thank you, Piper. That's a very pretty blouse."

The prefect opened her mouth to reply when a loud outburst from one of the other Hufflepuffs cut her off. "Oh, Merlin! Jeremy mucked it up again!"

Lily didn't have to question this further as the smell of bitter vinegar filled her nostrils and the boy who'd she passed on the way in crawled out of the passage doused from head to toe into the substance that was causing the smell. He was followed by a young girl who looked around his age with very blonde hair and very blue eyes. She was also soaked and fanning her pink top pitifully.

"I just got nervous!" Jeremy defended, blushing as he eyed the girl behind him. "I swear I was only a little off."

Piper made an irritated sound in the back of her throat before taking charge of the situation. She sent Jeremy through one of the round doorways to his dorm to change, and asked another girl to take Jeremy's drenched partner up to her room to get a set of replacement clothes. Apparently it was impossible to magic away the results of the repelling device.

"I tried to tell them it was a bad idea to send the one bloke who is completely tone deaf." Piper told Lily frowning. "I'll do it myself until Jeremy gets cleaned up."

Lily didn't mind being left alone. The Hufflepuff basement was one of the comfiest places in Hogwarts she decided, finding an overstuffed armchair that was covered by soothing yellow fabric. Everything was circled- the doors, the windows, even the wooden mantel was curved appropriately.

Relaxing deeper into the chair, she watched other students from Gryffindor and Ravenclaw arrive. A fifth year boy handed her a drink that was minty and only slightly alcoholic, and she took her time sipping at the beverage, taking in the surroundings. Peter and Remus arrived after the room had filled up, but they didn't take notice of her going to congregate with a loud group playing exploding snap near the fireplace. A few of her peers stopped to chat, but she was too comfortable to make much of an effort to socialize.

An hour into the party she went to find another drink and was just about to cut back across the common room to her previous spot (new cup in hand) when she saw Callum caught up in conversation with two fourth year girls. Even haggard and thin, it was easy to see why they fawned over him.

Lily frowned. He really did look worse than ever. The indentions of worry left almost visible evidence across his handsome face. She couldn't imagine having a family to agonize over through all this, especially one as big as his. Having only one family member was enough to cause worry lines, and Petunia was a muggle not even involved in their tumultuous world.

When he cut away from the girls, she made her presence known.

"Do you want to see something cool?" His grin made him look like a little boy and she nodded giggling.

Following his uneven path through the crowd and across the common room, he led her through one of the many round doorways. Around the next corner there was stairwell that led even further into the ground. In the stairs were circular.

From the rowdy students that they'd just separated from a voice called Callum back. Seeing another one of his Ravenclaw friends he told her to go down without him that he'd meet her in a minute.

She did as instructed, taking the slim spiraling stairs down until the room opened into a dazzling display of the night sky. Blinking her eyes a few times to adjust to the sudden and surprising change, the view finally registered in her mind. It was just a regular room as low-ceilinged as the rest of the Hufflepuff common room and even though it was dim she didn't have to squint to make out the perfect oval shape.

What was so dazzling was the starry night sky that spread out where the ceiling should have been. It reminded her of the weather mimicking magic of the Great Hall, but she knew for a fact that the night sky looked nothing like the unobstructed view she was being offered at the moment. It had been a terribly rainy and unpleasant week. Only a few hours ago a stormy scene played out over their heads as she'd eaten her meal. It must always stay like this- a perfect replication of a clear night when all the stars were free to stare back at them with matched awe and mystery.

Taking a seat on a cushioned sofa that sat so low to the ground her bum was only slightly higher than the legs that sprawled out in front of her.

"I guess this is what you get when your Head of House is the Astronomy Professor." Peter remarked from beside her.

She squeaked violently, chasing her startled her heart with the pressure of her hand as if the touch would calm the jumping rhythm. "Merlin, Peter!"

"Sorry." He said with a grin, amused by her outburst. Taking the place next to her, she watched him taking a steadying gulp from the cup that accompanied him. His hair was a luminescent gray color in the light of the stars. "I saw you come down here with Palmer."

"And what- you're spying on me?" Her eyes narrowed threateningly at him.

His boyishly round face was without apology as he shrugged. He took another sip of his drink that flushed through his cheeks and she couldn't decide if it was the alcohol or anticipated embarrassment of his statement. "I don't really know what anyone is capable of anymore."

She was silent, tilting her gaze from him to the looming stars above.

"I just don't understand any of it." His whisper shadowed with fragility but strong in its conviction. "I thought we'd always be together- the four of us…It's daft, I know. I see how silly it sounds now. We were always going to grow up. Hogwarts isn't forever…It just never seemed important before."

"Peter." She took his hand. She knew exactly what he meant. "Sirius and James are going to work things out. They have to. You know Sirius, he just needs a little time to cool down."

"I know that." The slightly shorter boy spoke with such resolve that Lily felt silly for ever doubting the truth of it. "Sirius and James will always be best mates. One way or another they'll find their way back, but as cunning as they are, they'll never be able to keep this term from ending. We'll still be friends. We'll still Owl… But who will I be then? Who am I without the Marauders? Who? Tell me Lily…Please, tell me."

Startled by the demands that melted into pleas, she could do nothing but stare into his swimming eyes as she came up empty of an answer. She gaped at him, taken aback by the emotionality of his outburst and the violent spike of his frightened words.

She was so shocked she didn't see the flinch of his hand the second before he grabbed her. Pushing his mouth into hers, she was frozen and unmoving against the onslaught of Firewhiskey that filled her senses. He continued on desperately, molding to the statue of a girl who was struck dumb with unresponsiveness.

"Peter!" A male commanding voice finally snapped rationale back into her drunk friend. "That's enough."

Peter scurried away from her, knocking over the slim remains of his cup. Horrified and guilty, he took the steps two at time, skimming past Remus on the tight stairs with surprising ease. With just the two of them left, Lily blushed bright red at the actions she didn't commit.

"That wasn't- it wasn't what it looked like, Remus. He just… He just-." So taken aback by the turn of events her words battled for dominance like angry snakes.

"He just kissed you." Remus calmly finished the last round of stairs to stand across from her.

"Yes!" She cried.

His face shivered with seldom used amusement. "I know, Lily… Even if I hadn't been standing there long enough to hear what was going on, I still would have been highly doubtful that you would be snogging Peter Pettigrew."

"Why didn't you stop him?" She grew angry that he could have helped her sooner, but remained silent.

"Honestly?" His face fell into a comfortable pretense of thoughtfulness. "I couldn't believe he'd actually done it."

And then Remus Lupin did something she'd never seen him do before. He dissolved into laughter. At first she was offended and then the complete ridiculousness of the scenario took hold, and she covered her mouth to keep the lively giggles at bay.

"Kat must be good for you." She remarked after a moment longer of their joined mirth. "I've never seen you look so carefree before… Happiness suits you, Lupin."

"You too." He'd only just spoken the words when his expression went stiff with unease and immediately looked down at his feet. He'd implied that her relationship with James was okay, even if it was only for an instant. Whatever hurtle they'd momentarily scaled was rebuilding itself in Remus' eyes. She watched helpless as he gave her one last sad smile before turning and leaving up the stairs.

Her head thumped back on the couch and she gave herself a moment to be overwhelmed by everything- the stars, Peter's kiss, Remus' rejection.

"Peter was right about one thing though." Her head snapped around to where Remus had stopped just before disappearing up the stairs. "One way or another we'll all find our ways back to each other."

It had grown late. Her second drink was still half filled and warm to the touch, but she didn't move. Despite what had happened, she liked it there. It was nice under the stars. She couldn't possibly be lonely with millions of twinkling friends to accompany her.

The call of the unconscious pulsated around her with unmatched strength, and immediately she knew that the visions waited for her there. She could have fought it. The pull was nothing compared to the physical demand from when she'd been sleep deprived before.

Allowing her mind to slip further into the visions, she could taste a better name for what was drawing her in. It was something that she'd grown far too familiar with during her eighteen years of life.

It was need.

Someone needed her there, and she didn't put up the slightest fight as reality disbanded around her.

In this blurry unrealized world the first thing that came into focus was a head of black hair.

"No." Lily told the room stubbornly as other figures and objects melted into clarity. "He's not yours to take."

It wasn't James though, and an instant of relief had only just taken root when Kat's delicate features shimmered into life. The room was one Lily had only ever seen in pictures. The Cooper's living room looked exactly like it had in the photo Kat had unwillingly shown them of her new baby sister. It had the same yellowish walls with stylish trim and ugly brown couch. What didn't match were the scattered little pink toys and the mantelpiece of the fireplace that had been blown apart, dispersing brick and wood onto the hardwood floor.

Like falling snow, other debris materialized around her, painting the room as the hideous war zone it had become.

"I can't imagine what a Pureblood would want with the likes of you!" The high pitched cackle that accompanied the voice dug into Lily like needles on her skin. The woman that stood over Kat's paralyzed body had a bounty of hair twisted with unnatural red and black. Draped in baggy black robes, Lily would have never known she was woman if her hair and face hadn't been revealed. Her face was scarred and two of her front teeth had been chipped on mirroring sides. "Ugly, worthless, little mudblood!"

Other sounds echoed down into the living room from the rest of the house. A baby wailed and a woman screamed with pain or grief, and then both resolutely stopped.

Kat's eyes which had been blank and unseeing before, as if her mind had taken her somewhere else entirely, suddenly sharpened at the sounds of her family. Her tiny body-no bigger than she'd been when they were twelve- fought against whatever invisible restraints held her with new purpose.

The woman chuckled and with an uncaring wave of her wand brought a tortured cry to her victim's lips.

"You've had your fun, Vivienne." Someone called to the evil woman from down the hall. "You know our orders. The Dark Lord says to kill the ones who are trying to dirty our pure blood and their families- no complications, no Ministry involvement. If we hang around too much longer the Aurors will show up… And put your mask back on! You're going to get us both crucio'ed by the end of this."

The woman never took her pleased eyes of the young girl who suffered in silent pain just under her feet. She raised her wand, bringing the point to mash into Kat's temple.

Lily rushed forward with an anguished sound. She slammed through the Death Eater's body without even the consistency of a ghost to let her know she was there. She couldn't even give her a chill. In this world she had no power. Here, she could only witness.

She could only accept the things she could not change.

She was helpless.

Physically Kat's body looked unharmed, and if weren't for the odd twitches that took hold of her limbs without pattern and the look of traumatized horror on her face, Lily would have never known she was injured.

"There's just one thing missing." A mocking snarl crept over the woman's grotesque mouth as she lowered her wand suddenly. "No one will ever be able to forget what a dirty abomination you really are. Not even in your coffin."

The monster straddled her, slamming Kat's face to the side so her right cheek was bared upwards and unprotected. Murmuring a spell under her breathe, Lily couldn't tell what she was doing at first, leaning over Kat's sprawled form until her wand made contact with her face.

A shriek of pain like nothing she'd ever heard before overcame the silencing spell, and then Lily smelled the burning flesh. Slamming Kat's face back down, the Death Eater swiftly recast the silencing spell and went back to work.

Lily could remember it. The sharp unforgiving cuts that she'd felt deform her own face months ago in the Divination Seminar.

Whatever spell that had been placed on Kat's body was taking its course and as Lily lay down to face the girl she'd known since she was eleven, a line of blood leaked from the side of mouth.

"Fight this, Kat! Fight it!" Lily spoke unheard words as she tried to make her friend aware of her invisible presence. If only Kat knew that she wasn't alone. "Come on, Kitty Kat. Only a little longer and it'll all be okay."

But the torture dragged on and on, and even though her chest still rose and fell with shuttering little breaths, her eyes misted over into another world as she faced unimaginable pain. Eventually, Lily could not even encourage her to fight anymore- all she could do was sob lies about whatever heaven waited for her. "It's beautiful there, and there's no pain. There's only pumpkin juice and those little chocolate pastries you love… It'll stop in a minute. I swear it… And you'll have my Baker. He'll take care of you, Kitty Kat. I'll kick his arse if he doesn't…"

The woman finished with a self satisfied giggle and as she fled the destruction she'd created, Lily didn't pay her any mind. Justice would find her eventually. She wasn't the reason Lily was here.

It was almost over. Kat's body was still alive, giving into violent shakes of aftershocks, but her mind was far away- long gone from the suffering. She wasn't in pain or at least not any that her damaged mind could register, and Lily could do nothing but whisper silly phrases of hope and peace as she watched blood pool from her mouth, ears, and nose.

Raising a small hand to the open wound on her face, Kat's eyes seemed to slide for an instant back into some slight sense of awareness. She looked right into Lily's eyes and moved her mouth with words that had been silenced by a Death Eater's wand.

As soon as the life fully left Kat she could feel reality yanking her back to where she belonged, but she rejected its invitation throwing herself forward to hold onto the her dead friend. She couldn't leave her like this. Her incorporeal touch ran along Kat's cheek to join her friend's hand in its resting place. Stubby fingernails dusted with only the remnants of pink fingernail polish lay just under the word that had been branded into her delicate cheek.

What had she tried to say? What message did her last words convey? Did she want Lily to know something? Was it something for Remus?

"That's going to scar." Lily remembered now. The last thought she'd ever had, had been summoned forth over a cauldron, and Lily could see them as clear as day as Kat's lips formed around them only a second before she died.

It was such a monumentally Kat thing to say that once again Lily gave in to sobs. Only this time when reality pulled she didn't fight it.

She took one last look at her friend, her eyes drawing over the word that had been branded into her cheek with magic.

MUDBLOOD

And then she was gasping for breath like she'd just been underwater for far too long. Back in the dim room underneath the Hufflepuff common room, still swallowed by the night sky, she had no concept of how much time had passed. Her aching legs quaked as she raced up the stairs and through the abandoned common room, where not even a disrupted pillow gave away the party that had taken place.

Her pace never slowed- not through the narrow crawlspace or down the corridor towards the Truth Mirror. The unyielding castle walls didn't betray the moon or the sun that hung outside.

How long had she been asleep? Maybe she wasn't too late… But suddenly she was fuzzy as to what she was worried about being too late for. She'd always found solace in the fact that the dreams turned into wispy recollections of miniscule flashes in the morning light, but now she tried to hold onto them. Powerlessly she felt them extinguishing in her mind and curve through her fingertips like the curl of smoke left from a forgotten flame.

And then within seeing distance of the mirror, her feet halted so violently that her body nearly toppled over. James huddled beside the entrance, his head snapping up at her footsteps and eyes telling her everything she needed to know.

"She's dead." She said so calmly her hand jerked to her lips in horror. Her steps were calm too, walking the rest of the way to him with purpose. "Kat's dead."

Her entire being prickled with numbness. She was just as helpless here as she was in the visions. She could barely remember anything about the dream now, only managing to hold onto the knowledge that Kat had been murdered by Death Eaters.

MUDBLOOD

She could remember that too. A word that was now just as firmly tattooed on her soul as it had been across her friend's pretty face.

James' distraught expression flickered with confusion. "Where have you been? Someone told you about the murders?"

She didn't reply, instead offering him an emotionless hand off the ground and then entering the Head Suite with consolidated words to pass through the mirror.

"Answer me, Lily." He chased after her with concern saturating his demand. "Are you okay?"

She had no choice but to nod when he stood in her way, blocking the path to her bedroom. Expecting him to let her pass, she was shocked to find her body clenched with strangling hold within his arms. He tucked her head under his and she didn't fight him feeling his body begin to shake. He wouldn't let her watch him in his vulnerability. It was fine with her because she didn't think she could handle it if he did.

"I'm fine, James." She muttered into his chest. Her voice could not quite mimic one of consoling, but it was good enough to slide by him at the moment. "I'm fine."

"Where the bloody hell have you been? They went after muggleborns, Lily." He squeezed her so tightly her arms ached under the pressure. "I didn't know where you were. I thought- I- I- Where were you? I was terrified! Don't do it again! Don't you dare leave me!"

"I'm fine." Her only reply was the same lie over and over again, hoping that eventually one of them would start to believe it. "I'm fine."

She repeated this phrase the next day to the professors and the next to her friends. She repeated it so many times on third that the words started to sound like something she'd made up.

She'd pulled on her mother's old black dress preparing for the memorial. It was the same one she'd worn less than four months ago to Baker's funeral. How many more times would she have to wear it before the war was over? How many more friends would she watch be buried in glistening coffins that disappeared into the cold ground? How much more did she have to lose?

In a fog she tried to settle back into life at Hogwarts, but it all felt so distant. She felt so distant. Two weeks passed and she watched her friends and professors grow more and more concerned.

How could she explain this feeling to them though? They wouldn't be able to understand. She didn't even fully understand it.

She was crippled with helplessness. It paralyzed her, trapping her beneath a cloud of numbness. People kept dying and there wasn't a thing in the world she could do it about it. Love was always supposed to win, but she could not love them into living. She couldn't do a damn thing.

She was helpless, watching as the evil won.

Like looking at the world through a smoggy haze, she entered the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom one meaningless afternoon. She was early and for once the class before had been dismissed on time. Alone felt the same as being with other people, and she took her seat with no other desire than to stare at the front of the room.

Out of the corner of her eye something black and quick flashed behind the glass pane of the window beside Crouch's desk. Curiosity of anything had been so dimmed by the numbing fog that when she found herself going to the window it was more out of habit than anything else.

A step away parchment crunched under her shoe and she stepped back to stare at the wrinkled ball. The rubbish bin was only a bounce away and she could imagine the forgotten trash missing its goal and rolling away without anyone ever noticing it. She picked it up with every intention of placing it soundly where it belonged when a smudged name caught her eye. Slowly she unraveled the letter sized parchment and stared dumbly at what she was seeing.

She could read the words just fine.

Ten names

Five couples

Ninety-two distinguishable letters written in a familiar hand

Each linked together with ink and now connected for eternity by blood.

She could read the words off the tidy list just fine.

Joshua Fisher (Primrose Tripe)

Camille Collins (Ashby Campbell)

Viola Singh (Porter Knight)

The fourth couple on the list had been marked out heavily, but right under it a fifth had taken its place.

Kat Cooper (Remus Lupin)

She raised the wrinkled parchment into the light that fed through the window with shaking hands. Underneath the deep scratches and layered ink, she could barely make out the names of those spared.

Lily Evans (James Potter)

Ten names

Five couples

One scratched out line

Four dead Muggleborns

She could read the words just fine.It was the implication that refused to set in.

They called them the Muggleborn Massacres.

The same night Kat and her family had been murdered Death Eaters had come for Joshua Fisher, Viola Singh, and Camille Collins as well, killing everyone in the vicinity. The victims were seemingly unlinked, grouped only by happening to be at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong kind of blood.

Lily held evidence otherwise in her very hands. Each murdered muggleborn was linked to a Pureblood. They had been tortured, mocked, and killed for relationships they didn't know were being judged.

But who would know to make these connections? These were things only someone from Hogwarts would know.

Her hands tightened around the paper in her grasp. Her vision exploded with hues of crimson rage. She was unceremoniously shoved back into the world of color and out of the grey.

This was not helplessness. It was purpose.

Folding the letter up with trembling hands, she tucked it safely into her pocket and calmly returned to her regular seat. There was still one part of it that refused to set in.

Ten names

Five couples

Ninety-two distinguishable letters written in a familiar hand

One scratched out line.

Four dead Muggleborns

So why had she been spared?

0000000

Author's Note: Okay, I just want to say that I don't take sick enjoyment from killing off my characters. I actually think that's part of the reason I drug my feet so badly with this chapter is because I just didn't want to write it. It is a war though. A lot of people died in the books. And just like Baker's death had a purpose, so does Kat's. It's okay if you're confused about what went down at the end of the chapter with the Muggleborn/Relationship Massacres. It will all be further explained in the next chapter. Things are about to get very interesting as several pieces of the puzzle begin falling into place. Just a few chapters left now.

BEHIND THE SCENES

[CANNON] In Chapter 7: The Breaking of a Rule, when Lily wakes up the second time after the Divination Seminar when she is in the hospital wing with Kat and Evie, she says "Look at me" but the words aren't hers even though they come from her mouth. These are the last words that Snape ever says to Harry just before he dies which we know Lily has subconsciously experienced through her visions of all her loved ones deaths.

The title of Chapter 16 "Roses Only" comes from the title of a poem of the same name by Marianne Moore. I have never been an appreciator of poetry, but this piece holds a special place in my heart. If you've never read it before then I highly recommend it. The poem is also alluded to in the beginning of the chapter when James remarks that a rose couldn't survive without its thorns.

[CANNON] Even though the Hufflepuff common room is never seen in the books, the description in Chapter 16: Roses Only comes from JK Rowling through Pottermore.

Originally I was going to write Lily going to go to the memorial service for Kat and the other murdered muggleborns, but my word count for the chapter was already ridiculously long AND I thought with all the other tragedies it would just be overkill. While on the excursion away from Hogwarts, Lily and James were going to visit her parents' graves as well. It's something I've been wanting to do for the whole story, but I just haven't found the right place. Maybe later.

[CANNON] The Hufflepuff common room is heavily influenced by its Head of House- Professor Sprout- with lots of plants and Herbology references throughout according to Pottermore, but in LOAT Professor Sprout isn't at Hogwarts yet. By making the Head of Hufflepuff the Astronomy Professor I thought it was only fair to show influence from her field of study too, which is where the magical ceiling room came from.

Chapter 16's line "I give good parent" is one hundred percent a shout out to Veronica Mars. I didn't set out to do it, but it just fit.

The Purus Swan is an animal of my own creation. 'Purus' is the Latin term meaning "pure, free from." Until a Purus Swan reaches maturity it cannot be handled by anyone who is not "pure" (i.e. a virgin). James mentions that the feathers can be used as a core of the wand. Piper's wand has this type of core.

A reviewer specifically asked me to include how I came up with the Purus Swan and I'm happy to oblige. I've had the idea of an animal that could only be handled by virgins since I read Harry Potter and the Psychic Serpent by Barb LP years and years ago. If you haven't ever heard of this trilogy (and also there is a Marauders' Era prequel) then I highly recommend checking them out. They were written FAR before the final books were published and I consider them a staple of HP fanfiction. Anyways in Barb's story it is rather off handily mentioned that Unicorns can't be touched by nonvirgins. So even though the Purus Swan has very different characteristics and magical properties, I guess the idea always stuck with me and when I outlined the story there needed to be a big reveal as far as Sirius finding out that Lily was no longer a virgin. In one draft of the plot this was actually how Sirius came to discover the affair. A lot of readers noted that Sirius' reaction was not directly dealt with in Chapter 16, but I have something very specific in mind that required events to play out the way they did and in the time frame that they did (and will) play out.