Love and Other Tragedies
Previously: Piper Prescott was best mates with the physically and emotionally scarred Hester Sprout, who was forced to leave Hogwarts along with many other students due to the deteriorating world outside of Hogwarts. Lily found a list in Professor Crouch's class naming off five muggleborns with five corresponding purebloods. Lily and James' names were on the list but had been scratched out. The four other muggleborns listed were murdered, including Lily's very good friend and old dorm mate, Kat Cooper. Baker (Harland Simmons) was a Ravenclaw at Hogwarts just like his sister, but they were both killed on Christmas holiday in the Auror Murders. Marley McKinnon is in the same year as Lily, but had been better friends with Honor, after her death she became good friends with Kat since they were the only two left in the dorm together. Peter drunkenly kissed Lily, but Remus interrupted them. Remus and Kat were seeing each other.
Quick Note: As Lily goes through the list she'll be remembering certain things that have already happened in LAOT. These memories will be denoted by italics.
Chapter Seventeen
The Muggleborn Massacres
Joshua Fisher (Primrose Tripe)
Camille Collins (Ashby Campbell)
Viola Singh (Porter Knight)
Lily Evans (James Potter)
Kat Cooper (Remus Lupin)
"I'm well aware of the recent tragedies that have struck our students, Ms. Evans." Professor McGonagall scowled over the discolored parchment Lily had laid out for her eyes to feast on.
The Head Girl leaned forward in the wooden chair that perched in front of her Head of House's desk. She mashed her finger down the line of other students named. "I found this in Professor Crouch's class. Whoever wrote this list made connections between Muggleborns and Purebloods that only the Death Eaters had been able to do before. What if they were the ones who orchestrated the Muggleborns' deaths in the first place? It had to be someone at Hogwarts. Who else would know these things?"
A bounty of wrinkles exploded around the Transfigurations teacher's eyes as she studied the list slowly taking the time to outline each compact square word with concentration. When the older witch looked up again her mind was made up and set in the determination of her thin lips. "Who are you suggesting wrote this then?"
Professor Crouch
But even as her pink lips went to form the letters, her throat closed up with reluctance. Her wild accusations about Professor Crouch's involvement in Grace Murray's disappearance had already been cleanly dismissed. If her finger pointed that way again would she look like a vindictive pupil set in destroying her DADA professor?
What proof did she really have? As soon as class had finished Lily had come charging into McGonagall's office expecting her to jump into action and take up arms just as the Head Girl had done. Blinded by her passion she hadn't even taken the time to fully think through what she had found.
"I-…I-…I don't know." Indecision pointed her green eyes downward to stare at her lap. "Perhaps it's just the doodling of an inquisitive student."
Lily didn't believe her words for a second though. Whoever had wrote the list had insight that no one else had been able to put together. Dumbledore and McGonagall would never take her seriously though until she had proof. Regretting her rash decision, Lily gingerly reached out to pull the damaged parchment back. There were connections to be made and forgotten thoughts to be examined. She was sure that she could put this distorted puzzle back together. All she needed was time to think it over.
"I know this year has been difficult for you, Lily." Her soft tone halted the seventh year's exit. "To lose someone you love is to lose part of yourself. I daresay you understand that more than anyone… You were a good friend to Ms. Cooper. You should remember that."
Lily left without understanding her condolences. In her own defense, she had bigger things on her mind. Things like figuring out who wrote the list, and most importantly being able to prove it.
"Lily!" James was startled when she nearly barreled over him in the hall. "What's going on? You sprinted out of class like Dementors were after you."
His statement and expression didn't match. There was relief in his eyes that she didn't understand. She straightened before answering. "I'm fine."
The relief dissipated at her words. The same words she'd practically worn into the ground from repeating so frequently. She understood his out of place emotion then, and for the first time since Kat's death she felt affection stir the unused muscles in her face. It was only a simple quirk of her lips, but it was enough to flood the Head Boy's stiff posture with satisfaction. She remedied her words. "Okay, fine is a bit of an overstatement. I'm…coping."
Was that what this was? Driven by her paralyzing helplessness to do something- anything- to regain purpose and control in her life had she turned some innocent curiosity scribbled on a scrap of parchment into a way of coping with Kat's dead?
Did it matter? She'd been sinking and fast. At fifteen years old she'd lost her parents. The orphaning blow had taken a chunk out of her heart, leaving a festering injury that she tried to ignore rather than heal for years. Sirius had soothed the wound. The Marauders had given her a place in life, tethering her back to the ground after her parents had left her free to float away, but the injury was not something that healed quickly. It took time.
And then Baker had died, picking at the old wound just as it began to scab over, and Kat's death had followed so quickly she felt riddled with infection.
So did it matter why or how she coping?
She was just happy to still be breathing.
"How about lunch?" James asked cautiously as if he was in danger of scaring off her recovery like a frightened animal.
The list burned in her pocket at the thought of the hearty meal that waited for her in the Great Hall. Her stomach turned. She couldn't possibly eat with it tied all up in knots as it was. "I'm going to skive off dinner. I'm behind on that extra essay for Ancient Runes."
"Alright after Quidditch practice then." He amended leaning over to kiss her cheek softly.
She'd forgotten about the fire. His touch had been nothing but a graze above glass, but now it raged through her limbs and set her heart ablaze. He turned to walk away, but she grasped the material of his robe fiercely and yanked him back so their bodies were lined up from toe to chest.
He looked startled and she looked wild. They paused for a moment.
And then they were kissing. His lips only allowed shallow fleeting kisses as she dragged them back against the wall of the empty corridor. Soft locks of dark red wrapped around his fingers as he held her back not allowing her savage lust to devour them both. She entertained the kisses slowly trying to get more of him- anything to drink him in, but when she opened her mouth to invite his tongue, he sucked on the pouting bottom lip she'd given him access to instead.
"Potter." She scolded. He wanted sweet and she wanted him to pound into her so hard that she forgot her own name and could only remember to call out his.
Fluttering lips, the tip of a teasing tongue, laid claim down her jaw line as she tried to force him closer. His voice was rough, coursing all the way into her insides to pile in the depths of her belly. "Why must you insist on testing my will power at every turn?"
"Why must you insist on resisting?" She answered, a tantalizing smirk sweeping her pouting lips. Grasping his robes with both hands she yanked it open until it draped open on both shoulders, revealing the body that only she was allowed to touch.
"That was my best school robe." He looked down shocked at the clasp she'd just broken.
She rolled her eyes and cupped him intimately through his trousers making him hiss.
"Ten points from Gryffindor for fraternizing in the hallway." A sharp voice had Lily and James rearranging their clothes into place.
"Can't you cut a break for your dear friends, Prescott?" James grinned, calling Lily's attention to her Hufflepuff friend who was approaching them with a sly smile of her own.
"I did give you a break, Potter." She told him with a dainty quirk of her lips. "I usually take twenty for inappropriate displays of affection."
They might not have been affected by the embarrassing encounter, but Lily was the color of a tomato as she eased away from them. "I'll just be off then. I'm not feeling very hungry, and there's an essay or two that could use my attention."
"I was just on my way to the library as well." Piper told her passing James with a wave and joining Lily in her haste walk.
Lily wasn't in the mood for company, but it was too late to get rid of the blonde girl now. They set up camp at one of the smaller tables in the library, and once she was sure Piper was fully enraptured in her texts she placed two names at the top of a fresh parchment.
JOSHUA FISHER (muggleborn) + PRIMROSE TRIPE (pureblood)
Primrose- Slytherin. Joshua-Ravenclaw 5th year Prefect
Even Lily had known about these young star crossed lovers. Petite little Primrose Tripe had been the Slytherin Seeker before she'd gotten pushed back to reserve.
"Stole the position from a little girl, did you?" Lily responded thinking of Primrose's sad face in the carriage. "Does that make you proud, Sev?"
She could feel his stuttering anger despite the controlled tone of his voice. "Shows what you know. Tripe had already been demoted. Slytherin didn't want be seen as supporting a relationship with a mudblood."
She recalled Severus Snape's acidic words spoken from the shadows so many months ago, long before she'd lost Baker or Kat. It was too late to pretend that Snape was not involved in all of this. He'd known about the Death Eaters' plan to go after the Simmons. And after all, hadn't he proved he was willing to spare her? Had he done it all over again?
Was this her grand reward for befriending the little boy in his mother's blouse? She hadn't done it for rewards or even out of pity. He'd opened up the world of magic to her, but that wasn't the only reason she'd loved him. He'd needed her love just like Petunia, and there was something in his eyes that made her look passed the cruel sneer he wore or the biting remarks he was so willing to dole out. When Snape looked at her it was like she could see her own eyes mirrored back at her, like maybe her love made him more than all the rest.
He'd always had darkness. She'd always known that, but when his eyes were on her they didn't show shadows. They showed hope.
Maybe they still did, but she'd never know. She wasn't willing to look anymore. This wasn't any reward she'd ever want. She got to live long enough to watch everyone she cared about died.
People Who Knew: Severus Snape, Slytherin
But really everyone had known about Primrose and Joshua. The brunette Seeker had been the best Hogwarts had seen in a decade, so when she'd gotten demoted it had caused quite a stir.
People Who Knew: Severus Snape, Slytherin, Everyone (common knowledge)
Which meant that Professor Crouch could have easily known. It was far from proof, but it hadn't exactly cleared the vindictive woman's name either.
She was stumped beyond that with Primrose and Joshua. He was dead, and she'd never returned from holiday.
VIOLA SINGH (muggleborn) + PORTER KNIGHT (pureblood)
Viola- Hufflepuff 7th year. Porter-?
Lily knew Viola simply through seven years of going through the same classes and eating the same three meals together. She wasn't sure that she'd ever even spoken to her. Viola was a quiet girl, always kept to herself. She'd certainly never done anything to trifle with Death Eaters. The pureblood boy of the equation was a mystery to her. Porter Knight couldn't have been a seventh year or a prefect because surely she would have recognized the name.
People Who Knew: ?
"Piper?" Lily whispered across their sea of books at the seventh year seated across from her.
Her big azure eyes looked up at Lily questioningly.
Lily opened her mouth but quickly shut it. Once again she'd been terribly insensitive to the way loss affected others, just as she'd done with Honor when Baker was missing. She hadn't even thought about the fact that Piper had lost a dorm mate too. Lily decided to rephrase her question. "Do you know anything about a bloke named Porter Knight?"
"Knight?" She considered the name before shaking her head.
When Lily didn't ask anymore random questions, Piper turned back to her work abruptly.
But Piper was Viola's dorm mate, wouldn't she know if Porter had been her boyfriend? Wouldn't she at least recognize the name from passing? Then again Piper was so odd. Maybe she just hadn't noticed. After a few more prolonged seconds of respectful silence, Lily decided to just rip off the band aid as her mum used to say. "Were you close with Viola?"
"Her bed was next to mine." She replied obviously.
Lily almost smiled, not because it was funny, but because it was just so Piper. "I mean like were you mates?"
"No." She answered simply. "We were all friends- Viola, Hester, and I until Hester came back fourth year after the attack, and Viola was always so uncomfortable around Hester like she was contagious or something… We weren't friends with her after that."
"It still must have been hard to lose her, even someone who only used to be a friend."
"Yes." Piper nodded, agreeing. "I suppose it was."
Lily chewed on her bottom lip. "You're sure you never heard Viola talk about a boy named Porter Knight or having a boyfriend at all?"
"We had not even had a full conversation since I asked her to change perfume in fifth year because hers was affecting my allergies." The Hufflepuff put her nose back into the book she was studying before Lily could even process her sentence.
Well that hadn't taken long. She was only on the second couple on the list and already she was stumped. Staring determinedly at their names, she decided that she'd have to take her mission to the next level.
It didn't take long to discover the house and year of Porter Knight. All it took was a couple of harmless inquiries with a few teachers and she knew enough about Porter to know exactly where she could find him. Being Head Girl definitely had its perks.
Not even a full day later, Lily made herself comfortable in the airy environment she'd sought out. She'd been waiting for a while when the plush midnight blue carpet of the dorm became too tempting to resist, and she slipped out of her robes as well as her shoes, feeling silly barefoot with her formal robes on. She sat on the end of one the five four poster beds and curled her toes into luxurious texture beneath her feet.
Being up so high in the tower in combination with the floor to ceiling windows, made her feel like she was on top of the world.
It also made her feel close to Baker. Reclining back on the bronze silk bed covering, she gazed at the painted stars of the domed ceiling. It was just like down in the Ravenclaw common room, but on a smaller scale.
She'd wanted to catch fifth year Ravenclaw Porter Knight after lunch, but knowing the tricky nature of Ravenclaw Entrance she'd arrived early by kipping the meal altogether, anticipating it giving her trouble. Except that the riddle happened to be something she knew quite a lot about.
"What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?"
She stared at the eagle shaped bronze door knocker. What belonged to her?
Well, her body did.
Do others use her body more than she does? That sounded naughty and unless some fourth years had managed to charm the door to give out dirty riddles she couldn't imagine that was the answer.
Her mind
Others didn't use her mind more than she did. Actually anyone not in their year always acted surprised that she even had a brain in her pretty little head. They thought she was just Lovely Lily.
Lovely Lily!
"My name!" She exclaimed too loudly, proud she'd come up with it. Her name certainly belonged to her, but others used it more often than she did.
She'd cut through the bronze and blue wide room and found the fifth year boys dormitory with ease, and that's how she now found herself sprawled across a four poster bed in a room that didn't belong to her, thinking about her lost best mate who quite possibly could have lain in this very spot just a few years ago.
Even if Baker hadn't been clever, she was sure the Sorting Hat would have stuck him in Ravenclaw the moment it peeked into his head. Baker deserved this view. She remembered him taking her to the roof of the Simmons' house over holiday and telling her about his favorite place in the world. He'd said it was the highest tower of Hogwarts and nothing deterred the view, and even though this wasn't the spot he'd described it still made her feel closer to him than she had in months.
With no warning at all the door to the dorm burst open and the three boys that hurried in took only a few steps inside before stopping to stare at her open mouthed. Lily sat up on the bed and looked back at them curiously.
"Doug?" An Indian looking boy asked without taking his gaze off of her. "Am I having another Lily Evans fantasy or is she really sitting on your bed?"
The light skinned, white haired boy, apparently named Doug, opened and closed his mouth several times before giving up completely.
"Would Dev and I be here if you were about to be seduced by the Head Girl in your dreams?" The third and final boy hung behind his two dorm mates with a look of equal surprise despite his sarcastic rebuttal. He was taller than they were, looking like his growth spurt had happened upon him so quickly it had stretched him to the point flatness.
Shaking off any amusement she found in their reaction at finding her in their dorm room, Lily cleared her throat. "I need to speak with Porter. Porter Knight."
Doug and Dev both looked back at the third with curiosity tinged envy. Lanky, honey haired Porter spoke up, his brown eyes furrowed in confusion. "I haven't done anything wrong."
Addressing the two other boys with a sly grin, Lily carefully slid her feet back into her shoes. "Do you think you could give us a minute alone?"
As quickly as the raced from the room, casting delighted looks over their shoulders at their friend and the much older, very pretty Head Girl and clumsily bumping into one another as they went, she was sure that they'd stopped to press their ear to the door that they'd closed behind them. It didn't matter to her. She'd only asked for privacy to make Porter feel more comfortable. The fifth year currently looked the opposite, lingering by the door as if he was the outsider and this was her room.
"I really haven't done anything wrong." He insisted.
"You're not in trouble. I wanted to talk to you about something else." Taking a reassuring breath, she told herself for the millionth time that this was the only way. What she was doing had a purpose. "I wanted to talk to you about Viola Singh."
The slight twitch of his right eyebrow was the only thing that gave him away, because otherwise Porter Knight would have been an excellent muggle poker player. In fact, he seemed to exhale tension as he walked casually to the bed across from the one she was perched on. Turning his back on her he ruffled through a few things on his bedside cabinet carelessly. "You mean the girl who got killed on holiday?"
His back was to her when he spoke, and she knew it was a calculated move. She'd known that there was something more to his involvement with Viola Singh ever since his twitching eyebrow had betrayed him. She corrected him. "The muggleborn witch that was viciously murdered by Death Eaters, yes. Did you know her?"
She watched the back of his shoulders shrug as he continued to fiddle about. "Everyone knows about the murders. She was a seventh year. How would I know anything more about her than that? We're not even in the same house."
"I think you did know her." Lily told him boldly. "I think you knew her quite well in fact. She was your girlfriend, wasn't she?"
"Don't be silly." His comeback was sharp and quick, but he still didn't reveal his face that was hidden in the inane task he pursued to busy his hands. "She was two years older than me. Viola Singh wouldn't have given me the time of day."
"I know your lying." It was true. She did know without a doubt that her gut was telling her his was lying. She just didn't know what he was lying about exactly. "I don't know why though."
"I told you I don't know her. If I'm not in any trouble then I'd like to be left alone." Slamming the cabinet door closed, the room was shredded by the heavy smack of wood on wood.
Startled Lily rocked back on her feet, but she wasn't going to be denied. There were a million unknowns of trying to solve this puzzle. This puzzle would lead back to a murderer or at least the person who had drawn the targets around four innocent faces. She did know that Porter Knight was not being completely truthful, and for right now when she had nothing else to go on it made him in a bad position to be in.
Squaring her shoulders, she leveled her voice, hoping it sounded strong and even. He might refuse to look her in the eye, but she could stare daggers through the back of his head. "Do you know why Viola Singh was murdered? Not just her of course, there were the others too. Haven't you ever wondered why these were the certain muggleborns chosen? Certainly there were easier targets. Some first year would have been a far simpler task for a Death Eater than a fully trained witch like Camille Collins. So do you know the common thread that links Viola Singh to Camille Collins, Joshua Fisher, and Kat Cooper?"
He didn't move, not even bothering to pretend to be accomplishing some task. The tall fifth year just stared at the wall.
"They were selected because they were linked with a pureblood. Joshua Fisher was dating Primrose Tripe, everyone knew that. Camille Collins was seeing Ashby Campbell, and Kat was with Remus… So why was Viola Singh targeted? I think you can answer that for me, Porter."
His body was like one of those tall industrial sky scrapers, and as she watched it caved in to itself like twisting metal with sharp unattractive angles. Porter sat on the side of his bed, and knowing that he had caved she walked to sit across from him on Dev's bed with an expanse of space between them.
He exhaled and it was more than just tension that poured out, it was truths long unspoken. "We were seeing each other. Not anything serious, but her parents were weird about her having boyfriends and even though she never said it I always kind of knew that it had a little to do with me being so young…It wasn't as bad as you'd think, being the one someone is ashamed to care about. Viola was pretty and sweet, and she could snog better than any of the girls in my year. I thought….I don't know- that by keeping our relationship a secret after she died it would be like my final gift to her or something… Do you really think that all those muggleborns were killed because they were in relationships with purebloods?"
Lily nodded solemnly.
"But- but-… that can't be true because I'm not even a pureblood!" He burst out suddenly, his brown eyes sparking gold.
"Yes, you are." She told him calmly. One of the first things she'd done was validate their blood statuses. Every name listed alongside the muggleborn had a pureblood mother and a pureblood father. Porter Knight was the son of Dawn Lebown and Wendell Knight, both pureblood families.
Porter crumbled forward like a building being demolished. A short mockery of an ironic laugh wheezed through his lips. "My dad- my real dad- was a muggle. When my grandparents found out they married her off to my dad. So my parents might be purebloods, but I'm not. I'm half."
"Does anyone know that?" She asked him sharply.
He shook his head miserably. "People assume I'm a pureblood. I don't bother correcting them. I figured it would keep me safe."
"It didn't keep Viola safe." Lily snapped before she could bite back the remark. "I'm sorry, Porter. This really isn't your fault. None of it is. The blame belongs with the Death Eaters and the Death Eaters alone… I need you to answer one very important question though. I think I can I find out who told the Death Eaters to kill Viola."
"Anything." He looked up at her through his bloodshot eyes and splotchy cheeks. "I'll do anything I can."
"Think very hard about anyone who could have known about your relationship; your dorm mates, friends, family, anyone at Hogwarts who could have known, even professors."
To Porter's credit he seemed to take the question very seriously, rolling the information in his mind several minutes before speaking. "We got caught a couple times snogging by professors-."
"Professor Crouch?" Lily interrupted him elated and demanding.
His shrug was the most noncommittal disappointing thing she'd ever seen. "Could have been… It got to be such a bad habit that I think there were less teachers who hadn't stumbled upon us than had."
Rolling her eyes, she motioned for him to continue. "What about anyone else?"
"Dev and Doug don't know. They'd only badger me for stupid information like how to unclasp a bra or if I'd seen her knickers, but there were a few other students who knew. No one comes to mind right off the bat, but sometimes we'd have to share a little to get alone time, you know? Some people from our houses know I'm sure. There is only so much sneaking around you can do when you live in a dorm, but they wouldn't really care and I don't even know who Vi told."
She spent a little more time with Porter consoling him and easing a little of her own guilt for revealing the truth about the murder. She would've stayed longer but his dorm mates showed back up pretending to need books and giving her an excuse to leave.
Circling the spiral staircase from the fifth floor, Lily's mind buzzed with the new information. She was so distracted she barely noticed the tremble of her knees. When her vision blurred out of focus she finally surrendered to her body and sat on the bottom step of the staircase. But just because her body refused to march on it didn't mean she couldn't accomplish anything. Pulling out her parchment, she completed the section she'd started yesterday.
VIOLA SINGH (muggleborn) + PORTER KNIGHT (pureblood halfblood)
Viola- Hufflepuff 7th year. Porter- Ravenclaw 5th year.
People who knew: professors, Hufflepuffs/Ravenclaws (some)
She focused on the information as if seeing it in writing would suddenly force the random tidbits into sense. Just like with Primrose Tripe and Joshua Fisher, it didn't point a finger at any suspects, but it certainly didn't discount Professor Crouch. Even if Professor Crouch in particular hadn't caught them snogging, who's to say she hadn't heard it gossiped about by other professors.
A violent clash of metals startled her and instinctually she shoved her parchment and quill into her bag. It was a sound she recognized from countless Marauders' pranks over the years, and she looked down the corridor finding all the suits of armor intact. Walking towards the direction the noise had come, she was shocked to find Remus wallowing in the remains of a deconstructed pile of armor.
"Alright, Lupin?" Nervously she peered down at brunette boy. It wasn't that she'd been avoiding him since Kat's death…exactly. They'd both just been lost in their own mourning, too busy with their own grief to pile on the hurt of someone they cared about too.
Groaning and shoving a silver arm off his legs, he managed to stand. He stared at her with glassy eyes, using an arm to prop his body up against the wall as he struggled not to waiver in his stance. "Evening, Head Girl."
"It's the afternoon, Remus." If the stumbling hadn't given him away then the slurring would have. And if working at a pub all summer had taught her anything he was about two drinks passed drunk. "You're pissed."
His face rolled with sudden rage, reminding her of what she always seemed to forget. Remus Lupin was dangerous. Underneath the shy smiles and forgiving heart, there was a werewolf who wanted nothing more that rip every living creature limb from limb every full moon.
"Fuck off, Evans." He tried to shove passed her, but his inebriation countered his balance and he slammed into her shoulder. The wall met her side and the angry thud ricocheted down the corridor racing in front of Remus as he fled.
Frozen against the wall she watched him go. His feet twisted once before he managed to straighten again and disappear around the corner. Slumping against the unforgiving stone, she felt the effects of her selfishness roll down her spine. She could add him to the list of people she'd selfishly overlooked in her fog.
In a daze she finished the walk to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, and ducked into a chair just before Professor Crouch slammed the door with a flick of her wand.
Her mind stuck on her friend. Remus was in pain. She'd been able to escape into a world of numbness while he had to seek out the same comfort in a bottle of Firewhiskey. She should have been strong enough to help him.
"I don't suppose you'd be willing to share Mr. Lupin's whereabouts, Mr. Black." Crouch's sharp words brought Lily into the present as their Professor scowled over her pupils from the front of the class. The leaking sky cast strange shadows across her face from the window giving the woman an ominous glow.
Lily twisted in her seat to watch Sirius. She didn't have to search for him. As much as the world changed around them, his seat hadn't. The spot to his right was a constant evolution. James had once sat there and Remus had replaced him, but it was currently occupied by a boy who could never hope to equal the grandeur of those who came before him. The seat didn't suit Peter at all. Everything about Sirius overshadowed him, until he looked more like a third year than a student close to graduating.
"He's still sick, Professor." A charming smile and twinkling look accompanied Sirius' lie.
Crouch made an unbecoming smacking noise with her tongue on the roof of her mouth. "Missing classes for nearly three weeks warrants a better excuse than sickness I'm afraid, Mr. Black. While I do sympathize with Mr. Lupin's -…illness another missed class will warrant failure for the term."
Lily's stomach convulsed at the thought. She and Remus were not the type that failed anything.
She got through Professor Crouch's class just as she always did- with her head down and thoughts elsewhere. If she gave herself time to consider that the woman teaching them had possibly been the one to draw a target around Kat then she'd sooner curse the woman than learn anything.
How could she not notice Remus being absent for nearly three weeks?
After class she gathered her things slowly, letting Crouch sweep out of the room in her normal glaring fashion before following her classmates into the hallway.
Leaning against the wall with a playful smirk on his face James was waiting on her.
Ever since Kat's death, Marley had been her primary partner for all their classes. She didn't know who had sought out whom and they'd never discussed it, but they had banned together as the only remaining Gryffindor girls from their year. It suited Lily fine as Marley never bugged her about the same silly things James did like eating and resting properly. James wasn't exactly abandoned to fend for himself. Even without the clout of the Marauders he was still James Potter and never short on willing company.
"What's this I hear about you seducing fifth years?" He looked the opposite of a jealous boyfriend. In fact he looked positively giddy. Ever since she'd emerged from her monotone fog of 'I'm fines' he'd met each slow return to normalcy with the same thrilled reaction.
Sighing with false irritation she looped her arm through his and yanked him into step with her. "It's truly remarkable that anyone can even use the loo around here without having the entire school know about it. Besides the gossips can't ever manage to keep the information straight… I'm quite content with my current younger bloke. And honestly, if I was going to step out on you it wouldn't be with Porter Knight…Now Christos Savales might be a different story."
In retaliation of her teasing he pulled her closer and trapped her with a sturdy arm wrapped around her shoulders while never losing their steady pace. He kissed her forehead with a dramatically pitying look. "Miss any more meals and fifth years won't even be willing to snog you. You're turning into a skeleton."
"Bugger off." She twisted out of his hold as he chuckled. Her imposing glare bounced off of him easily. "I might be a skeleton, but I'm a skeleton who is still making it to class. Why aren't Sirius and Peter doing anything?"
He soured at her words, and even though it was something they needed to discuss she hated having to chase away his mood. James was like her own personal pepper-up potion. He made being happy so much easier. Stiffening at the mention of the other Marauders, she realized this was another dilemma that had been masked by her conscious coma.
"They won't talk to me." He stared straight ahead. "I tried and they just…won't. I might have even made it worse. I just thought that if they wouldn't let me help him then Sirius should know how serious the situation really is. It isn't just Defense that Remus has missed… They just ignored me. He even made a joke about how he thought getting laid was supposed to make someone less uptight."
Sucking in sharply, she cursed herself for the millionth time. She had been so weak. They needed her. James had needed her and she'd just checked out. Grabbing a strand of her hair she pulled on it until it throbbed at the root. "What are we going to do?"
"You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves." He said in a way she'd grown far too familiar with. It was a tone of finality.
Her chest puffed with indignation. She was sick and tired of his attitude that things just were the way they were. If something was broken you fixed it- that was her attitude and he better just get used to it. "Oh no no no, Potter. I let that codswallop go with Sirius because that's your business with him and I think we can all agree that I'm more of problem than a solution when it comes to the two of you, but if you think I'm going to wait on Remus Lupin to come asking for help then you don't really know either one of us. I won't watch him ruin seven years of hard work with a bottle of Firewhiskey… I'll help him whether he wants it or not."
Feeling strong and rejuvenated as adrenaline ran rampant through her veins, she marched away from him heading towards the library. It was time to move onto the next set of names. There wasn't anything else to be done about Viola and Porter. Her mind had just begun to delve back into its obsessive pace when something hard and strong lifted her off her feet.
"You ruddy Neanderthal!" She smacked his back as hard as she could. It was the only thing she could reach upside down and slung over the Head Boy's shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "What do you think you're doing?"
He smacked her bum while laughing jovially.
She sputtered with indignation. "Did you just spank me?"
"You're not missing one more meal on my watch." He told her striding forward as if she weighed no more than his school bag. "Don't even pretend like you were headed to the Great Hall."
Mumbling a string of incoherent curse words into his back, he cut her off again.
"Don't worry though, Lilykins." He said in what she could only imagine was supposed to be a soothing voice. "I have no intention of taking you to the Great Hall either. I'm taking you right to the kitchens where I can watch you eat every last bite, and I'm not above using force to make that happen."
They passed a group of third year boys who all stopped to stare as James and his hostage lumbered passed.
"James Potter, you arse!" She wiggled recklessly.
He only laughed harder. "No, actually your arse, love. You just made those nice young lads' day with a peek of your knickers."
Huffing one last time, she went limp in his arms, surrendering herself to his fate.
The fate turned out to be exhausting as he made her shovel mouthful after mouthful down her throat as the delighted house-elves watched on. If it had just been James she would have spit the food back in his face, but she couldn't bear to disappoint their hopeful little faces. It was possible he had been right about neglecting her proper nutrition intake because she was close to throwing-up after the fifth bite.
With her stomach more full than it had been in weeks she struggled to hold her eyes open as she followed him up to their suite. Stubbornly she refused his arm that offered to support her. She was still sore at him for his earlier actions. Not sore enough to deny the night in his bed, but not friendly enough to lose her knickers either.
At dawn she woke up with the sunrise, finding her toes tucked beneath James' toned calf muscle. He sighed, smacking his lips together as she gently wiggled away from him and into the brisk air of his room. Deftly dipping into her bag she pinched the folded parchment between two fingers and tiptoed across the room to James' desk.
CAMILLE COLLINS (muggleborn) + ASHBY CAMPBELL (pureblood)
Camille- Gryffindor 20 years old. Ashby- Hufflepuff 7th year.
Summoning up the mental image of Camille Collins she remembered from fifth year she tried to conform that beautiful Head Girl with the Featured Columnist for the Daily Prophet she'd become. At fifteen Lily had thought Camille was everything she ever hoped to be. She'd wanted to be just like her. Well…until Camille had turned on her in the middle of fifth year with no reason at all.
Ashby and Camille were an odd couple. For one thing she was out of Hogwarts and a successful writer for the most popular wizarding newspaper in all of Britain while Ashby was still in school. And just because she couldn't find the charm in the smarmy prefect, didn't mean plenty of other ladies didn't. Ashby's consistent conquests were fodder for gossip almost as much as Lily was.
She remembered how she'd heard about the unlikely coupling in the first place. It had come from Ashby's own mouth.
"A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, but let's just say I've captured the eye of a certain Hogwarts' alum who may or may not be the spotlight columnist for the Daily Prophet."
So it was safe to assume that the entire room full of prefects was on the list of people who knew, not to mention all the people they'd probably told.
People who knew: Prefects
Concentrating on the words she'd collected, she tickled her chin with the tip of the quill.
Whispering into the orange glow of the room, she tucked her feet underneath her, turning back to the boy she'd left sleeping in his bed. "James?"
He grunted, but didn't stir otherwise.
"James?" She repeated her voice raising the slightest octave. "Do you remember Camille Collins?"
Again he grunted, but this time he rolled towards her and lifted his head from the mountains of quilts. "'s early, Lils."
"I was just wondering if you remembered Camille Collins from when she was at Hogwarts."
He yawned, extending his arms above his head and exposing his chest. She was tempted back to bed, but he blinked several times trying to bring her into focus without his glasses. Giving up he closed them and spoke as if he were sleeping. "Head Girl. Pretty. Wore glasses."
He went silent after that and she assumed he'd been lost to slumber, but he continued to mumble after a moment with an even heavier slur dragging each word. "Seeing Sirius…fifth year… No bra…under robes."
She sat very still as he shared a secret to the safety of his eyelids. It wasn't the first secret he'd told her. There had been the map, the cloak, and all the secret passageways. He had showed her that he was an Animagus along with the others, but this was the first secret that he'd shared that betrayed the trust of one of his friends. Half-asleep he probably didn't even realize what he was doing, but it made her feel odd.
It made her feel like she was betraying them too…Which was so backwards in the grand scheme of things because if Sirius was seeing Camille Collins in fifth year that meant he'd kept that little detail quiet when they'd started dating after Christmas. Or Sirius had been stepping out on her. It also explained the cold shoulder she'd received from her role model, but she wasn't quite willing to consider that in the current tumultuous social environment. They had enough conflict as it was without her digging into ancient wrongs.
And how could she be betraying them by merely knowing information?
She'd been drawn to the boys almost immediately after arriving at Hogwarts, fascinated by their connection to each other and the ease to which they lived their lives. They were so very different from her. They had all the things she worked so hard for without ever even knowing it. For so long she'd wanted them to see that she belonged with them too.
Learning all the things she didn't know- all the things she'd never be privy too- only reminded her how much she wasn't one of them. And it was becoming horribly clear that she never would be.
The worst part was she couldn't love them any less for it.
"Leavin'?" James grumbled hearing her collect her few things that scattered around the floor.
She looked back at him through the lavatory door. It remained as open as it had the day she told him she loved him. "It's Saturday. You should sleep in. I've just got a few things to do."
"Lunch… See you then." His said unthinkingly before making the effort to open his eyes, and peer at her with intense focus. The effect was ruined since she knew very well he couldn't clearly see her without his glasses. "I mean it. I better see you at lunch."
An amused smile deterred from her irritated huff, but she nodded in agreement even though he couldn't see.
Less than an hour later she was dressed and headed to the Great Hall with purposeful strides. James would have been thrilled at her destination, but the truth was that she had no intention of eating. She had a Marauder to find.
She was about to enter when her eyes met a pair of beady blue ones. Peter looked down quickly and changed direction, but it was too late. Her long legs caught up with his stouter frame in no time at all.
"Oh!" He tried to act surprised when she reached out to grasp his shoulder turning him to face her. "I didn't see you there, Lovely. Nice morning, isn't it?"
"You must not have heard me calling your name either." She told him with a sharp smile. He'd been avoiding her ever since he'd kissed her at the Hufflepuff party, and she'd been perfectly content with that arrangement. It was an incident that she'd much rather have swept under the rug than pulled out for public consumption. "Look Peter, I don't want to cause any more trouble and I know your being a good friend to Sirius, but Remus needs a good friend right now too."
His round face twitched in several places all at once, and his eyes darted around rapidly as if Sirius would pop out at any moment to catch him speaking to her. She felt bad for causing him such extreme anxiety, but in the Marauders' chain he was the weak link. If she could get anyone to break it would be him.
"He doesn't want our help." The words came out so fast they nearly blurred by her ears. "All he wants is Firewhiskey and he'll curse anything that gets in the way of that…doesn't matter who it is."
"He can keep his Firewhiskey for all I care." She told him recklessly. "As long as he goes to class, stays out of trouble, and passes his NEWTS then it's no business of mine how he grieves… We just have to help him get through this right now."
A calm power overcame Peter's features suddenly and he stared at her with strength she'd never imagined he possessed. "You can't help him. He won't let you."
"Then what's the harm in letting me try?" She tried to hold onto her composure. "If he curses me I'll just be getting what I deserve, right?"
The nervous boy returned in an instant and again he looked around the corridor. She wondered if he was imagining shrinking down to his rat size and scurrying through one of the holes in the wall. "…He's still in the dorm. I don't think he slept last night, but I do know that he's drunk… He's always drunk."
"Thank you, Peter." She said with a beaming smile. A couple of weeks ago she would have hugged him, but things were different now. No, everything was different now.
Hurrying to the Gryffindor common room, she was met with a steady stream of students heading to breakfast. Their stares still lingered a little too long across her face. How long would she be the girl who ripped apart James Potter and Sirius Black?
She waited until the common room was clear before going up to the seventh year boys' dorm. More rumors about what she had been doing up in the Marauders' dorm wouldn't do anybody any good. It might have been her imagination, but she swore the smell of Firewhiskey hit her nose at least a dozen steps from their door.
Entering she realized that she hadn't imagined it at all. The room looked like the contents of the stocked bar at The Leaky Cauldron had exploded along with the dirty laundry of the Quidditch locker room. Tiptoeing around the piles of mess, she came to stand in front the one four-poster bed that didn't have the curtains opened.
"Remus?" She whispered even though they were alone.
A cold laugh met her question as the hangings were pulled open. "They must really be desperate if they're letting you in."
He looked even worse than when she'd seen him before. His brown hair was thin and long hanging into his face with an unkempt air that didn't suit him at all. The patched orange shirt he wore was stained and loose on his shoulders, making him appear older and smaller at the same time. A bottle of nondescript liquor was propped in his lap where he reclined against the headboard of his bed with his other hand gripped tightly around his wand.
When he spoke again she realized he had been sizing her up the same way she was doing him. "…But they didn't let you in, did they? Sirius would let me drown my liver before he swallowed his pride and asked you or James for help."
"Maybe you don't know us as well as you think you do." She replied cryptically, neither confirming nor denying his accusation.
Again the cruel laughter that made him a stranger ripped through his lips like poison. "Oh no, Lovely Lily, don't fret. I have no disillusionments that any of us really know you at all."
Taking a deep breath, she ignored the jab and focused on her real purpose there. Emerald eyes measured him evenly. "It hurts, doesn't it?"
He stared at her surprised, his lips hanging loose. That wasn't what he'd been expecting her to say.
She continued. "It hurts so fucking bad that you'd rather cut out your heart than feel anything at all. At least when you're numb you can still breathe. And even if you stop it doesn't matter anymore, because you just don't care…"
He didn't utter a word. There was a gleam in his eye that she couldn't identify, but he remained stoic.
"Have you ever heard that phrase that it's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all?" She continued daring him to react while yanking on her hair. The pain encouraged her on. "If someone had offered me that option after I lost my parents or Baker I would have accepted it in a flash… Anyone who says they'd take the hurt when the pain is so fresh is a liar. Losing someone you love is-."
"Stop!" She couldn't have predicted the brutal wave that broke over him. It happened so suddenly. In an instant he was across the bed and gripping her tightly by the forearms. "Stop! You don't understand anything!"
Wide eyed with fear, she couldn't help the natural reaction to break free of his hold. Tomorrow bruises like black tarantulas would be wrapped around her arms, standing out against her pale skin. Ignoring the pain she forced herself to meet his dark eyes as she spoke with unruffled incredulousness. "You don't think I understand what it's like to lose someone that I love?"
And then he was shaking her with wild abandon. The rough motion jerked her head back and forth as if she was nothing more than a plaything in the teeth of a vicious dog.
"Can't you see?" He shouted as the potent smell of Firewhiskey hit her full in the face. "I didn't love her! I couldn't even tell her what I really am… She died and I'm still here. She loved me! And she died… Kat died!"
Streaks of fat tears cascaded down his cheeks like angry waterfalls.
"Remus…" Her voice was pleading as she felt the sting of her own tears.
"Stop." He commanded again as the word lodged in his throat. "She deserved someone who could love her back. She deserved someone who was whole and all she got was me- half a man. At least if I was the monster she would have had the chance to love someone else. Eighteen years and all she got was me, someone who couldn't love her."
Without the words to make it right, she took him in her arms allowing him to bury his wet face in the hallow of her neck. His body shook and she held him tighter, letting their grief engulf them. She didn't move even when the tremors subsided and he began speaking again, his lips muffled against her throat. "I have to turn it off. It's the only way I can keep on going. It's so much easier to be the monster…"
She nodded, shivering at his tickling breath on her collarbone. His lips touched her neck again, but it was different. Without hesitation he did it again and she froze stiffly, not even daring to breathe. Leaving a trail of kisses and tears he worked his way up to her jaw line and commandeered her mouth without meeting her eyes for permission.
The Marauders were making it a habit of putting their lips where they didn't belong, but unlike the alarming kiss Peter had forced on her, she was not frozen from shock. If she pushed Remus off immediately he could very well be lost for good so she remained stoic with indecision.
His chapped lips tried to coerce a response and she tasted salt and Firewhiskey. With one last lingering kiss he collapsed away from her, sinking onto the end of the bed with his head in his hands.
"I'm just as bad as Peter." He muttered to the floor with horror. "I am a monster…"
Her muscles were so stiff they ached when she finally moved. "You're trying awfully hard to make yourself a monster, Remus, but if you have to try so hard then you're not really a monster at all."
"I have to be." He said looking up at her through his eyelashes. It was him who was pleading this time. "I need to be numb. It's the only way."
Who was she to judge how someone dealt with pain? She'd checked out too. She just hadn't needed alcohol to do it.
"I know what you're trying to do." She told him pointedly. "If pushing everyone who cares about you away is what you really want…then telling James and Sirius that you kissed me is an excellent way to start."
Startled he jerked to his feet only to wobble severely into his bedpost. Once he regained his balance he turned to her looking betrayed.
Holding her hands up in defense, she shrugged her shoulders noncommittally. "If you really want to alienate everybody then all these half-assed attempts aren't going to work. If this is what you really truly want then I'll go tell them right now."
Fear speckled his face like freckles after a sunburn. "Not like this… I don't want them to hate me."
Lily was barely able to suppress the victorious grin that threatened her lips. "If you need to keep drinking then I'm not going to stand in your way… But you're going to have to do something for me if you want me to keep quiet about what just happened."
"Please don't hate me…" Desperation reached through his hands to grasp hers."I don't deserve them anymore…but I can't have them hate me for it."
"Finish the year then. Go to classes, do your assignments, do whatever you have to get through the year." Hope flooded her as she squeezed his hands. She had no intention of letting him actually push them away. When school was finished she'd figure out a different way to convince him, but right now he had to get through the term. He'd never forgive himself if he didn't. "After that when it doesn't hurt so bad things might be different."
Silently he met her eyes with uncertainty until he broke again and with water welling in his eyes he agreed.
After helping him back to his bed she exited the room with a deep sigh of relief. It wasn't a solution, but it was a temporary quick fix that would have to do.
Opening the door she came face to face with the one Marauder she hadn't already seen that day. She paused trying to read his expression before closing the door behind her with a soft click.
Still Sirius did not speak.
He didn't need to. Everything he was thinking she could read right through his eyes. They just stood there staring at one another, measuring what they knew and what to do next.
She had no doubt that he'd been there almost the entire time. Maybe he'd seen her talking to Peter and followed her.
The tension in his cheeks held the knowledge of distrust and suspicion. Remus was showing weakness. A weakness that was driving him into darkness and that was one thing Sirius could not accept. Just as her parents had left a lasting mark on her psyche, the same could be said for the boy who grew up as a Black. A family who's history was thoroughly drenched in darkness.
Sirius had heard the confessions of wanting to become a monster from his trusted friend. He also knew what she'd offered Remus, but he also knew (just as she had) that the threat she'd proposed to their friend was nothing more than a ploy. A ploy that in his normal state of mind Remus would have scoffed at, but as much as he wanted to do what he perceived as the right thing, they all knew that he loved his friends far too much to actually go through with alienating himself. Lily had simply offered him an excuse.
She'd saved him from himself, even if it was only until the others could find a way to do so permanently.
Still she held her breath waiting as the rapid succession of emotions plowed through Sirius. She and James had betrayed him. They'd been the two people in the world who were supposed to love him the most and they'd chosen each other over that. He had a right to hate her that she couldn't deny. With hate came the need to ruin, and ruining whatever progress she'd made with Remus while poisoning her relationship with James was a possibility that she'd placed recklessly in his hands in that moment.
With eyes locked in the deafening silence outside the seventh year boys' dormitory, she waited full of fear and anticipation.
And then with the slightest nod of his head he slipped away from her, taking the stairs and leaving her alone.
Remus was wrong. There was one thing that could make Sirius Black swallow his pride- love for his friends.
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Author's Note: School is over, finals are done! I'm sure many of you are celebrating along with me. I started writing this chapter and realized that not only would it be like 24,000 words alone, it would also be just an overload of information. So I split it in two (which is why this chapter is a little shorter and end is kind of awkward), but this means I've already started on the next chapter and plot-wise it is HUGE!
BEHIND THE SCENES
[FLASHBACK] The first memory Lily recalls of Snape's remarks to Lily in concern to Primrose Tripe come from Chapter 7: The Breaking of a Rule.
[CANNON] Remus' spiral and his relationship with Lily was inspired by the line in third movie, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, when Professor Lupin is speaking with Harry. "The very first time I saw you Harry, I recognized you immediately. Not by your scar, by your eyes. They're your mother Lily's. Oh yes, I knew her. Your mother was there for me at a time when no one else was. Not only was she a singularly gifted witch, she was also an uncommonly kind woman. She had a way of seeing the beauty in others, even, and perhaps most especially, when that person couldn't see it in themselves."
Every character on "the list" has been seen or mentioned at some point during LOAT.
[CANNON] Lily's quick to trip to the Ravenclaw common room features all cannon aspects to the tower. It's airy with midnight blue carpet and a domed ceiling. The colors are blue and bronze, and the windows are hung with soft silks. As seen in Deathly Hallows the entrance is a door with no knob or keyhole, instead there is an eagle shaped bronze knocker. To enter you must answer a riddle.
[CANNON] As some reviewers noticed James and Lily's get together scene was reminiscent of Harry and Ginny's in HBP. They both happen in fantastic fashion after the Gryffindor/Ravenclaw Quidditch match and both to the surprise of the student body.
Chapter 12: The Most Wonderful is the most reviewed chapter. Ironically it is the chapter that features the least amount of James (he only appears briefly to pick up Sirius) and is the chapter that ends with Bakers death. Oddly, Chapter 16: Roses Only which focuses on James and Lily's relationship (with smut) and Kat's death is one of the least reviewed chapters.
[CANNON] During Lily's summer she comes to know many establishments in Diagon Alley. The cannon stores being The Magical Menagerie (where she lives and occasionally works) and The Leaky Cauldron. I created The Broom Closet (The younger pub where Lily meets Baker's friends) and Maureen's Cupboard for Stylish Witches (where Lily buys Kat's birthday present and the black dress that she wears to Kat's party).