Love and Other Tragedies

by Fancyeyes

"We don't deserve her," the Head Boy answered thoughtfully. "None of us do. Not even me. Not because she's perfect. She's not. Sometimes I think she's even more disastrously flawed than the rest of us combined. And not because she's beautiful, even though she is. Certainly not for being lovely because she never was.We don't deserve her because she's so much more than we'll ever be"

18. Chapter Eighteen

Love and Other Tragedies

First and foremost I have to wish a very happy birthday to LAOT. It has been posted for over one year as of May 27th!

Previously: Lilyfound a list of names connecting all four muggleborns that had been murdered with a pureblood in Professor Crouch's classroom. Remusfell into a drunken numbness after Kat'sdeath, missing classes and pushing everyone out of his life.Lily confronted him and got him to agree to start attending classes again and do whatever it takes to finish school. Lily is on a mission to find out who wrote the list. Meticulously she is going through each couple to discover a link that will lead back to the perpetrator. Joshua FisherandPrimrose Tripe are not helpful because he is dead and she never returned from holiday, and also everyone knew about their relationship. Lily discovers that the KEY to figuring out the list is to find the common person in each scenario that would have known about the Muggleborn and Pureblood as a couple. Seeking Porter Knight she finds out that his relationship with the older Viola Singh was a secret that only a few students knew about and the professors that caught them snogging.

Camille Collins had been the Head Girl in Lily's fifth year. She was also a role model to the young prefect until suddenly halfway through the year when she started giving Lily the cold shoulder. James unknowingly spills the information that it was because Sirius and Camille had been snogging that year. Lily bought a kitten from The Magical Menagerie before Mr. Pricesent her favorite miniature turtle Harvey as a gift, and Jamesclaimed the gold cat as his own naming him Snitch.

THIS CHAPTER IMMEDIATELY BEGINS WHERE CH. 17 ENDED

Chapter Eighteen

Spared

Pushing thoughts of Remus and Sirius to the back of her mind, Lily rushed to the Great Hall hoping James hadn't already sent out a search party look for her. She hadn't intended her meeting with Remus to last until lunch, and the Head Boy had made it perfectly clear that her attendance at the meal was required not suggested.

She spotted his wild raven hair halfway down the table and took off towards him. He had some nerve picking at her about the perpetual wrinkles that decorated her robes when his hair often looked like birds had been nesting in it.

"Oh." Lily stopped short. James wasn't alone. Eyeing the three cautiously, she slowly took her seat. "Hello."

Sandwiched between Callum and Piper, James grinned at her over his empty plate. "Excellent timing, Evans. I was just finishing up before Quidditch practice when Palmer and Prescott offered to have lunch with you."

"How…kind of them." She narrowed her eyes at him after giving a doubtful once over of each of his accomplices. The mothering had been sweet at first- in a very non-James type way- but it was getting old. She didn't need him hunting down her friends to make sure she ate all her vegetables.

Instead of avoiding her eyes like a normal person would under such a glare, James met her focus straight on with a daring smile. When she didn't bother to return the sentiment he told them goodbye and dashed away.

"Strange bloke you've got there, Lovely." Callum gave her a weak grin. Beneath his lighthearted statement there was subtle irritation.

She summoned her brightest look hoping to erase the imperfection in the veneer. Often she forgot that not too long ago Callum had been interested her in a romantic way. He had been a choice that was brilliantly free of complications, and maybe with a little work she could have been interested him in that way too. He was good at suppressing whatever feelings he'd once pushed towards her, and this was the first time his façade had cracked. She wasn't accustomed to it. With James she had always been aware he wore a mask, but she'd never thought to try and pry a disguise away from Callum. She hadn't been aware he'd been wearing one.

"He's back." Piper noted a split second before James hurried to a stop with them again.

Lily groaned. "For Merlin's sake, I swear I'll eat!"

"Fantastic." He remarked off handedly. "Was I having a rather bizarre dream or were you asking me about Camille Collins this morning?"

Her nod was slight and indecisive. Unlike James she had no problem avoiding his eyes when he brought up something she didn't want to deal with.

She had made a little progress with Remus that morning, but she'd also found out something that she'd been blind to. The poor broken boy she'd left in his bed could never know the truth- that his involvement with Kat had drawn the attention of the Death Eaters who murdered her. There would be no coming back from that. And if she couldn't tell Remus then she couldn't tell James. Not yet, at least. Because when the Marauders reunited there would be no room for secrets. She'd have to bear the knowledge alone.

At her concession, James' face scrunched with scrutiny. He was trying to figure out how much he'd told her in his unguarded state. Eyeing Callum and Piper, his face settled into meaningful stiffness. "…And?"

"Just feeling a bit nostalgic, I suppose." Her reply was pointedly vague.

In an unfamiliar tick, he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. "If I recall you were fairly fond of her while she was Head Girl…"

Are you still now? He left the unspoken question hanging in the air. He was obviously trying to lead her to the answers he was searching for without clueing in the two listeners or give anything more away. He knew that he'd told her about Sirius and Camille, but he was trying to figure out if she was upset. She took pity on him with a matching pointed voice. "My memories remain untainted."

"She was a good Head Girl. I heard she got her heart broken right before Christmas that year though." Again his voice was casual with a serious edge. He was telling her that whatever romantic entanglements had ensnared the older girl and Sirius had ended before he and Lily ever started anything. Sirius might not have been truthful, but he hadn't cheated on her.

For the second time James bid them farewell, leaving Lily and her friends to their meal.

"Odd." Piper's remark broke the silence as Lily filled her plate.

Thinking she meant James' behavior, Lily tried to think up an explanation, but was saved by Callum's snort. He had found the irony of Piper deeming anything as odd. Thankfully, Piper ignored him and continued on her own. "Collins was very private with her love life. And yet she is not even at Hogwarts and I have heard of two supposed boyfriends."

"What do you mean?" Callum's face twisted with his usual distaste of dealing with the Hufflepuff.

"James just implied that she had been seeing someone in her seventh year, though I do not recall hearing anything of the sort." Piper replied nonplussed as she cut her food into small symmetrical squares. "And Campbell went around boasting to anyone who would listen about his relationship with her. I have little patience for him, but when he got points taken from Hufflepuff for rabbitting in the corridors I had to intervene. After my reprimand and an apology to Professor Crouch however, I did not hear anymore of the matter."

"Professor Crouch took points from Ashby for bragging about Camille?" It was Lily's turn to demand an answer. The same fervor that had pushed her to find answers since she'd found the list stroked her racing mind. It was a direct link between Crouch and the knowledge of Camille and Ashby's relationship.

"Yes." The Hufflepuff answered resolutely, carefully tucking a bit of food into her mouth.

Piper might have been fine with Lily's abrupt enthusiasm, but Callum looked perplexed by the turn. The freckles that danced across the bridge of his nose wrinkled in his concentration. "Why are you so interested in Camille Collins all of the sudden?"

Lily thought about lying. Callum peered at her with an undercurrent of suspicion while Piper took disinterested stabs at her food. She hadn't breathed a word to anyone about what she suspected except Professor McGonagall. At first she'd wanted an opportunity to think things out by herself, but now it was starting to weigh on her. Hadn't they already helped? Who was to say that they wouldn't have more information that they'd never thought amounted to anything?

"I think Professor Crouch had something to do with the Muggleborns that were murdered over holiday." She blurted finally, tensing for their reactions.

"What?" Callum's outburst came barreling out first.

Cringing, Lily tried to find strength in Piper's unwavering response. "I know it seems mad-."

"You can't possibly believe the Headmaster would allow a Death Eater into Hogwarts." He cut her off. His icy blue gaze dared her to deny it.

"Dumbledore hasn't been here over half the term. Of course, I don't believe he would ever intentionally endanger students, but how could he know what's going on if he's not here." She shared her reasoning. "Professor Crouch has made it clear that she's out for me-."

"Lovely," Callum soothed gently, his mannerism switching from incredulousness to softness at her explanation. "Don't let a petty grudge cloud your judgment… Maybe it just seems easier to deal with Cooper's death when you have someone to blame."

She didn't want to hear his rationale though. It hit a little too close to home after she'd had the very same doubts. She pushed them away again. If Kat's death had really been so randomly senseless then the stupid list would turn up nothing. It wouldn't hurt to try and get to the bottom of it though. Lily squared her shoulders to respond, but Callum began again, finishing off the last of his lunch.

"I'll see you in History of Magic Monday. We're having a NEWT study session in the common room the rest of the afternoon." He excused, but Lily could see the pity that clung in his gaze as he left them. He really thought she was blinded by the loss her friend.

Alone, Lily and Piper settled in the silence he left them in. The redhead did not speak staring at the spot he had left unoccupied rather than chance a look at Piper.

"Why would Professor Crouch want to hurt Muggleborns?" It wasn't what Lily expected, but Piper rarely was. Looking up hopefully at the blonde's face, she did not find pity or disbelief. Instead she looked curious. Like all emotions on Piper, it was a shadow of expression behind her unmoving features.

"She's in a relationship with Matis MacMillan…I think they're working together." Telling her the best guess, she didn't dare hope that Piper would flatly believe her. "During the attack on Hogsmeade, Crouch and Slughorn were the only professors missing. Slughorn was on vacation, but where was Crouch? She's the Defense teacher. Shouldn't she have been helping? And she was a Ravenclaw which would have given her access to their dorm. I've never believed that Grace Murray just disappeared. It doesn't make sense. If Grace had been planning on leaving then why would she be making plans the day before? I think Crouch did away with her…and I think she's been trying to do the same to me."

"Why didn't she?" Piper's face still showed nothing but curiosity. "If she orchestrated the Muggleborn Massacres then why didn't anyone come after you? The animosity between you and Crouch is well known. If she would want any students at Hogwarts dead, I would think you would be at the top of that list."

"I was on the list though…" Lily told her. She explained everything about finding the list and the connections that were made to certain Pureblood students as well as hers and James' names that had been marked through. "…I don't know why I was spared. Maybe it was because I didn't have a home for them to attack. I was at Hogwarts and Crouch can't touch me here without revealing her true loyalties."

Like a statue, Piper sat staring through Lily as she considered the knowledge she'd just taken in. It lasted forever, but after several long moments Piper's turquoise eyes refocused on the Head Girl.

"I believe you."

Shocked, Lily was almost wary of the revelation. It seemed too good to be true. McGonagall and Callum had acted like she was going round the bend. "You believe me?"

Piper considered her for a few more seconds before replying with the simplicity of words she was known for. "We are friends. This is what friends do. Your observations have merit. I believe you."

Lily had never been more thankful for the day that Piper decided to befriend her. Even if it was just one person, she felt validated. Her gut had been telling her the same thing since she'd first laid eyes on the new DADA professor, and she'd let reason talk her out of her intuition again and again. Piper hadn't tried to excuse what Lily felt as some twisted form of grief. She'd accepted what she had to say without judgment.

The relief melted over into the next week as Remus showed up to every class.

He didn't manage to complete his assignments and she was pretty sure he was still drunk most of the time, but at least he was there.

Lily had thought that having someone else in on her theory would ease the desire to discover the truth. She'd been wrong. Having Piper to share with only made her worse. Her mind became a repetitive cycle, going through all the information again and again trying to find the one link that held it all together.

She needed to talk to Ashby Campbell. It was turning out to be a more difficult task than she'd initially imagined. For a boy that was constantly obsessing over his female conquests he seemed to be constantly busy and surrounded by a group of Hufflepuff blokes.

He was a prefect though. Even if she couldn't manage to get him alone until their meeting Thursday it would be the perfect opportunity to ask him to stay behind so she could question him.

As had become the ritual, Wednesday afternoon Lily and James along with their classmates huddled in clumps outside of Defense Against the Dark Arts waiting on Professor Crouch to release her long overdue lesson with the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. Sirius, Remus, and Peter gathered together down the corridor murmuring while Peter acted as a prop for Remus to hold onto as he swayed and his eyelids drooped.

"If you're any more obvious you're going to topple over." James noted lightly of her inclined position as she leaned toward the Marauders trying to make out the words they mumbled.

With a sheepish smile, she straightened. "We have that assignment due today. I hope Sirius didn't forget to make Remus do it…I doubt Crouch is going to let another missed essay slide."

He hummed in the back of his throat and thoughtlessly reached out to twirl a lock of dark red hair around his finger. So far he hadn't tried to stop her from interfering in Remus' life, but he wasn't going out of his way to help her either. He just made the same face he was making at that moment, one of forced obliviousness, whenever she hid Remus from the professors or slipped him notes reminding him of assignments. "It feels like I never see you anymore…"

His calloused finger dipped beneath her robe to trace the bare skin of her collarbone. Her breath hitched at his touch that threatened to make her forget the endless worries she indulged in. The Marauders and all their issues were temporarily forgotten as she leaned in to his warmth. "We see each other constantly. I'm surprised you're not sick of me between living together, classes, and prefect meetings."

"We see each other." James mimicked her actions, adding a suggestive smirk. "But we don't see each other."

The moment was gone as her mind had already swept away with the tide as soon as she mentioned the word prefect. She leaned out of his embrace. "Did you finalize those schedules? I've got to turn them into McGonagall by tonight… But it'll have to be after dinner or maybe I can get Piper to skip and go to the library then…" She continued to ramble on as tasks and plans flitted through her mind.

With a heavy sigh, James fell away from her letting his book bag fall to the floor while his head thumped into the wall behind him. She didn't pay attention as he mumbled under his breath with a heavy layer of sarcasm. "Fantastic…Possessed Lily has returned."

"I heard that." She sent him a glare and purposefully stepped on his foot just as the late class began to clear out.

He raised his voice to regular volume to respond. "And you're not skipping dinner so don't even consider it."

James turned to enter the room, but she grabbed his arm to stop him. She ignored the question in his eyes and watched until the Marauders walked passed before joining into the steady stream that filtered in.

"...only remembered this morning." Sirius was saying to Peter. "Of course, I didn't remind him about his."

Bookended by his sober friends, Remus made it to his spot beside Sirius. When James turned to go to his normal seat on the other side of the room, Lily detoured and took the seat that was directly in front of Remus, motioning for Marley to join her.

Professor Crouch stormed into the room from her private office. "Pass up your parchments! No last minute revisions, Mr. Rosier!"

Pulling out her wand quickly, Lily cast a spell on her parchment changing the name and handwriting. She turned to take the stack of parchments from Remus who remained awake but looked pained. At least he wasn't drunk even if he was hung-over. She gave him a small smile before handing the parchments along with the one she'd written but no longer bared her signature.

"Mr. Lupin, how nice to see you finally turn in an assignment." Crouch's bland brown eyes scowled at the fat stack in her hands as she thumbed through them.

Lily focused forward ignoring the surprised shuffle she heard behind her as she watched the professor's eyes narrow with disbelieving glee as she looked through the turned in essays again.

"We seem to be missing one essay… Surely, there is a reasonable excuse for the mistake. I cannot imagine anyone choosing not to complete the assignment after I repeatedly indicated how important this mark would be for your continued success in this class." Crouch's expression of pure joy left Lily with no illusions that her professor didn't know exactly who hadn't turned in their assignment.

Lily twisted the same lock of long hair James had played with in the corridor around her finger and pulled harshly as she raised a stiff hand into the air.

Crouch leveled sparkling eyes at her. "Yes, Ms. Evans?"

"There's no excuse. I forgot to do the assignment." The tickling pain in her scalp made it easy to hold onto the monotone harpooning her words. She swallowed knowing the next statement would be the most difficult. "I apologize, Professor."

Lily could feel several pairs of eyes drilling into her back, but she didn't flinch. She was practically being burned by the intense heat coming from James' direction, but she didn't waver. If anyone came forward now to challenge the authenticity of Remus' paper, it wouldn't do anybody any good, especially not Lily. They'd both get failing marks and points taken for cheating. Besides chances were that Crouch was perfectly aware of what her least favorite pupil had done, and was looking at it as the golden opportunity to inflict embarrassment and retribution to her fullest potential.

Crouch's attempt at a concerned look fell flat, contorting her face into some version of thrilled pity. "I'm afraid that failing mark will knock you out of the top position for your year. What a terrible time to be so careless, Ms. Evans. You'll have no opportunity to regain your place so late in the term."

Rage swirled in the carefully locked box deep where Lily had been hiding her emotions. It had been the easiest assignment of the year. She'd completed it in less than an hour. She was sure that before she hadn't turned it in Crouch had no intention of making it important. Now, it would be what stopped Lily from finishing her Hogwarts education with the marks she'd earned.

With shaking hands Lily picked up her quill and joined the rest of the class as Crouch began her lesson with a sly pleased smile.

"So tell me- are you going to meet Sirius down by the lake for a good snog?" James grabbed her arm roughly after DADA, bringing her quick pace to a sudden stop. She'd only managed to make it down a corridor and a half before he caught up with her. "Because you're acting an awful lot like Lovely Lily from sixth year."

She shrugged him off, fighting the pains from her own rage that she'd suppressed all through class. Green and hazel irises swirled in anger as they faced off. "He would have failed, James! I couldn't just let that happen."

"It's not your problem!" The control he reined over his voice and expression shuttered as his hands went reflexively to his messy hair. It wasn't the casual motion she was accustomed to, but instead one of unveiled frustration as she was sure he pulled out a clump of black locks as he went. "I don't want him to fail either! Don't you think it hurts us just the same to watch him self-destruct? You're only making it worse. Don't you see? How will he ever learn from his mistakes if you keep fixing them for him?"

The validity of his points swarmed her all at once, and she was left momentarily stumped. She gaped at him waiting for her careful reasoning to return.

His lithe frame backed her into a cubby of the hallway. Gentle hands took her face, but the storm of emotion fought in his sparking eyes. His words were clipped and rough as he spoke. "I can't stand seeing you be that girl… All I can see are his hands all over you, pushing you into Lovely Lily again and again. It makes me hate him and it makes me hate-…"

Dark eyelashes framed her look of uncertainty as she stared up at the Head Boy. What could she say?

Anything lovely about her had been sucked into the grave, not with one death but with three. She wasn't doing this because Remus needed her. She was doing it because she loved him exactly the way she should. She loved all of them in the right way now.

There was no amount of selfless that would ever bring Lovely Lily back, but there was nothing in the world that could ever take away her ability to sacrifice for those she loved either. If she had to sacrifice a little for Remus to live with himself later then she'd make the same decision every time. It wasn't even really a decision at all.

It was just who she was.

James took a deep ragged breath and pried himself away from her. "Don't do this to us, Lily…It's not worth it."

As he walked away she was left standing against the wall wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball and shut the world out.

"He's right, you know." Remus' voice echoed off the stone.

She looked back at him. The lanky seventh year was alone, and even though his face was pinched with pain, his gaze was clearer than it had been since Kat's death.

She didn't respond.

"I'm not worth it." There was no self-pity in his tone, only casual observation. "I would have told Professor Crouch that you'd put my name on your essay, but it would have only gotten you in trouble."

Nodding at him curtly, she pulled herself together and agreed. "You're right."

"I would have taken the failing mark." He didn't try to hide the confusion that mauled him. "I deserve it… You deserve to finish Hogwarts at the top of our year."

Clenching her teeth until her face hardened with intensity, she stared at him. "Well then you better not miss anymore assignments."

Before he could even open his mouth to deny her, she cut him off. "Every time you miss work I'll turn mine in for you… If you think I don't deserve to fail out of Hogwarts altogether than I suggest you get to work."

It was her turn to walk away, leaving Remus alone to think about what she'd just told him. He might not value himself at the moment, but he would value her. He had to.

Lily didn't have time to pay attention to the invisible cloud of despair that chased her for the rest of the day. Ignoring James' warning about skipping dinner, she met Piper in the library with urgency burning in her gut.

She'd taken Piper through all the information she'd collected, and much to her dismay the Hufflepuff had no new details to offer. They were stuck.

"I do not understand why we have not moved on." Piper said repeating the same sentiment they'd been discussing for the past week. "You found the link between Professor Crouch, Campbell, and Collins. She overheard Campbell discussing it."

"I need to talk to Ashby." The Head Girl was firm in her rebuttal, refusing to delve into the deeper issues that haunted the subject of moving onto the next names.

"That is unnecessary." Despite her confrontational words, Piper's voice was steady and emotionless. "If you truly want to discover Professor Crouch's involvement in the Muggleborn Massacres then we need to move on to the next couple listed."

Lily made an irritated noise. "I need to talk to Ashby Campbell… Besides James and I were the next names on the list. Everyone knew we were a couple."

"You did make a spectacle snogging in front of the entire school." As the blonde spoke her almond shaped eyes squinted with the slightest flicker of annoyance. "And I was not speaking of you and James. You are correct. Everyone was very well of your involvement… I meant Cooper and Lupin."

A visible tremble wracked her body at the thought, and she quickly shoved it away. Her voice was nearly a snarl as she remained adamant in her decision. "I need to talk to Ashby Campbell."

Piper's gold hair spilled over her shoulders as she jerked her chin down and stared purposefully at the NEWT level books they'd been neglecting.

Immediately she regretted her hasty tone. She sighed and began again with a gentle plea flirting in her words. Piper had to understand. "…I just feel like I'm missing something- something really obvious that has been staring me in the face this whole time. I don't want to take any shortcuts and that means talking to Ashby. He might know something."

Piper gave the smallest nod, but didn't look up from her real studies for the following hour. When she did speak again it was only to tell Lily that the library was closing.

Separating from her friend, she was torn between running from the cloud that threatened to rain countless worries upon her and avoiding the Head Suite where James and his angry eyes would be waiting. In the end she didn't have much of a choice though, and after whispering to the Truth Mirror to gain entrance she crept up the stairs through the darkened room to sit at the oversized desk in the corner.

It was late and James' door was closed, but she only turned the knob on the gas lamp enough to cast an eerie glow over the parchment. It had been handled so much it frayed around the corners and wore thick indentions where she folded it each time. She stared at the smudged words written in her own handwriting until they blurred from her intense concentration.

Every time she looked she expected it to be different and every time she was left with nothing but a sick feeling in her stomach.

After she talked with Ashby Campbell there wouldn't be any more excuses for not moving onto the couple she wanted more than anything to erase from the ordeal. Resolutely she squashed the thoughts before they could take root, and doubled her focus on the parchment that she could no longer read as it was branded upon her brain.

"Lily." James' voice came from right beside her, and the fierce jolt that shook her shuffled the parchments that scattered her place at the desk. "What are you doing? It's the middle of the night."

Stretching her neck up to look at him, the sharp pain that caught her movement proved his words to be true, even though it didn't feel like she'd been there for more than an hour.

He was rumpled from sleep with one side of his black hair pushed flat to his head while the rest tried to compensate for its insubordination, doing its best to be twice as wild. Squinting against the light he yawned waiting for her explanation.

"You're mad at me." She finally replied plainly, glancing down to insure her parchment was covered.

He continued to stare at her expectantly, but spoke again when he realized it was all she had to say. "I'm always mad at you."

"You don't think that's a problem?" Her pink lips pinched to the side as she tried to ignore a grin that threatened at his easy reply.

A sigh deep enough to reach into all the issues that grew like weeds around them, settled in his chest. "I think we both might be a little bit right and a little bit wrong. Either way, neither one of us is ready to see it any other way, so you might as well come to bed."

He had mismatched the buttons on his striped pajama top, and she hated that he could look so ridiculous and still make sense. She met his eyes with dim spark of challenge. "I could sleep in my bed…alone."

He yawned again unbothered by her threat. "So you can have nightmares all night and be useless all day tomorrow? I don't think so… I know you're not ready to make up yet. I'm not either, but sleep isn't going change that. We can go back to our stubbornness tomorrow."

When she nodded her assent he had already turned to walk back into his room without a doubt that she'd follow him. As much as she'd have loved to prove him wrong, he was right. The nightmares weren't as bad when he was there to warm her feet when the cold came biting.

Snitch looked up when she entered the Head Boy's room, giving her a cold look as he stood slowly with his gold tail in the air and pranced out of her spot and off the bed. The sleeping kitten she'd snatched up on the way out of The Magical Menagerie had changed a lot, growing into fat cat. One thing that hadn't changed was his attitude. He still adored James and publically shunned Lily.

In silence Lily slipped into the sleeping gown she'd discarded by his bed the previous night and joined him in the bed.

And even though they fell asleep on opposite sides with their backs to one another when she woke up only a few hours later, her icy toes were tucked in the warmth behind his knees.

James had been right. They were both a little right and a little wrong too, and a couple of hours of sleep hadn't made her want to see it his way but it had gotten her through the night.

It was just before dawn and her mind was already sprinting forward, delving through the facts that had not miraculously fallen into place in her slumber. She left James undisturbed, happy for an excuse not to deal with their problems.

It just so happened that her life offered an abundance of distractions from the handsome Head Boy at the moment.

Under the storming Great Hall ceiling, Lily couldn't keep her eyes off Crouch. Her food remained untouched as her eyes feasted on the woman who in all likelihood had killed four innocent people.

She might not have cast the spell, but she'd pointed the wand.

Fiery rage twisted in the box Lily had suppressed deep within her emotions. It would burn her alive if she released it, so she bottled it up letting it fester and give her purpose. She'd done a good job of keeping the box locked tight. In DADA she kept her head down and her thoughts elsewhere, channeling all the professor's jabs into a driving force that woke her up before dawn every morning and pushed her thoughts with obsessive passion to the list.

The box rocked and shook violently on that May morning though. Something was different. It fanned the flames that hummed through her.

Maybe it was the prefect meeting that loomed that night. After that she'd have no excuse to put off writing the new names on the list. Would the box relent to being shut away when she finally saw their names scrawled in black ink? Could she sit in class every day knowing what the monster writing notes on the board had done?

The building sensation lasted the entire day until her heart raced as James led the prefect meeting and she could do nothing but silently nod along. James wasn't the only one casting her worried looks as Piper and Callum joined in on the fun, but she ignored them focusing on her purpose.

When the meeting ended she was shocked that her hand didn't tremble as she reached out to stop Ashby, telling him a low voice that she'd like to speak with him privately.

As was usual a few prefects hung behind to socialize, but James ignored them and lingered near Lily and the Hufflepuff prefect with a suspicious frown.

"Do you have a minute?" Piper detoured him, casting Lily a knowing glance. "I have a question about some of the Transfiguration material that is on the NEWTS."

It only made James more apprehensive, but he followed their friend away from Lily and Ashby anyways.

The tidy haired seventh year didn't look suspicious of her intentions though. Ashby looked close to spewing his dinner as he wiped a thin layer of sweat off his brow. Catching her staring at him, he tried to shake off his nerves and fall into his usual cocky persona. "What can I do for you, Lovely?"

She stared him perplexed by his behavior for a moment too long.

"Potter not doing it for you anymore?" He compensated by attempting to wiggle his eyebrows in a lewd way, but he was nearly green now and it made him look like he had Spattergroit.

For such a supposed lady's man Ashby was acting a whole lot like a first year talking to a girl for the first time.

"I wanted to talk to you about Camille Collins." She told him in a low voice, conscious of the group on the other side of the room.

His strange behavior continued, but changed as he relaxed momentarily before wrinkling his boyish face with confusion. "Why?"

Exasperated she huffed rudely. "What do you mean 'why'? Because she was your bloody girlfriend and she was just murdered."

The stocky boy relaxed once more as he slowly faded into the arrogant bloke she'd become accustomed to. It was completely opposite of a normal reaction. "That doesn't have anything to do with me."

"It has everything to do with you!" The box holding her rage flew open as she snapped at him before she could slam it closed again. "Those Muggleborns were murdered for being in relationships with Purebloods; Primrose Tripe and Joshua Fisher, Viola Singh and Porter Knight, Remus Lupin and Kat Cooper… You told anyone who would listen about your affair with Camille."

If she'd thought Ashby had turned green before it had nothing on the dark shade he turned now as his nerves returned. At least that seemed half way normal. "That's impossible. Collins' death had nothing to do with me."

"So it's purely a coincidence that all the other murdered Muggleborns were seeing a Pureblood and Death Eaters just happened to decide to kill the featured columnist of The Daily Prophet at the same time who just happens to snogging a Pureblood on the weekends?" She shot back aggressively. The box rattled unhappy with her repressive intentions.

"You don't understand, Evans." He whispered vehemently. "It's impossible."

"Explain it to me then, Campbell. That seems like an awfully big coincidence to me."

"…It's impossible because-." He stopped jerking his eyes to their classmates across the room. He grabbed her by the elbow and pulled her deeper into the corner. "It's impossible because I've never even spoken to Camille Collins… And because- because…I'm gay!"

Unblinking wide eyes met his revelation. At first her reasoning crushed the idea, but almost immediately it made perfect sense. Ashby bragged constantly about the girls he snogged or shagged, but they were all girls he met on holiday or girls he refused to name at school. He was overcompensating to keep his secret.

"So you see Camille must have been seeing another Pureblood… It wasn't me." His face begged her to agree, and for the first time she found herself empathizing with Ashby Campbell.

Was he really so different from her? They both had pretended to be something they weren't to feel loved. She could see the same sadness reflected in his eyes that she'd seen in the mirror a million times.

He hadn't had a James Potter to shove the truth in his face, that love wasn't real unless it was true. People might really love Ashby as her friends had truly loved her, but he'd never feel it until he was loved for who he really was and not the mask he wore.

"You're right. She must have been seeing someone else- another Pureblood." She lied taking a deep breath.

The truth was too horrible to share. She couldn't inflict that on this boy who had so much to figure out. She protected him like she protected Remus.

In the end the blame belonged solely with the Death Eaters and whoever wrote the list. The truth made her sick though. Camille had been murdered for a lie. All it took for Professor Crouch to write their names in blood had been the bragging of a confused seventeen year old boy. Camille had paid the price with her life.

Someone cleared their throat breaking open their bubble and inviting in the sounds from the outside world.

"Callum." She said surprised to see him back. He had left earlier with most of the prefects when the meeting was finished.

He looked curious glancing between her and Ashby, probably noting the odd pairing. "I ran into some second year Ravenclaws on their way to inform a professor that Remus Lupin is passed out on the Quidditch Pitch."

"But it's storming!"

He nodded meaningfully. "It's not lightening anymore, but the rain is still coming down pretty hard. I figured you would rather handle it then involve a professor."

"Thank you." She told him sincerely, reaching out to place a hand on his arm. Taking one last look back at Ashby she nodded her head, letting him know that his secret was safe with her.

The look he returned haunted her as she hurried out of the Head Suite and into the silent corridors.

She felt exhausted by the newest revelation. There had been no use asking him any more questions. She couldn't have even if there were. One day Ashby would let himself know the truth of what his actions had done. Lily could only hope that he had learned to love himself before the truth set in. He would need all the love he could get.

Footsteps echoed down the hallway behind her and she glance over her shoulder to find James quickly approaching. "What are you doing?"

"What are you doing?" He retaliated. "You thought you could carry a full grown man through the castle without drawing attention to yourself?"

She smirked at him while purposefully twirling her wand under his nose. "I've been capable of doing a levitation spell since I was a first year."

"Amateur." He remarked strolling passed until she had to jog to catch up. "I could levitate things in my pram."

"What happened to letting him learn from his mistakes?"

She thought James was going to ignore her as he picked up his pace, forcing her to make good use out of her long legs. "It would be a moot point if you both died of pneumonia."

Stepping into the downpour they both took off in a sprint as one harmless shred of lightening ripped through the sky. She almost slipped twice, but James was surefooted making his way to the wide opening of the pitch in half the time she did.

It took them a while to find the unconscious Gryffindor tucked under one of the stands with his feet out in the rain and an empty bottle of Firewhiskey at his side.

Yelling above the screaming hiss of the water they managed to get him up between the two of them and with the help of some crafty magic on Lily's part they were all soon wrapped back in the dry castle. Remus was covered with the Invisibility Cloak, but it turned out to be unnecessary as they made it to the suite without incident.

"I'll dry his clothes and put him in your bed. He can sleep it off and get some pepper-up potion from Madame Pomfrey tomorrow." James didn't even look at her as he whisked his friend's body through her open door.

Cruel shivers ran up her body as she sprinted to James' room and began to desperately pull off her soaking wet uniform. If she had full working use of her hands she could have cast a drying charm on her clothes, but considering her severe trembles she probably would have ended up charming her ears off.

Completely starkers she was just about to dive into the Head Boy's bed when James stepped into the room and stopped at the sight of her. Goosebumps swirled up her arms and across her full chest making her nipples pebble under his hungry eyes.

"How is he?" She asked meeting his eyes without any attempt to cover her body.

His shirt made a gurgled splat as it hit floor and he began to peel off his trousers. "He's out of his mind. I don't even think you can call it drunk anymore. He's far passed that… I couldn't even understand him. He was slurring something about hating him for kissing you."

"Oh." It was the only thing she could think to say.

James looked up at her, straightening in nothing but his crimson boxers. "Oh?"

"He kissed me." She didn't feel nervous telling him. It hadn't meant anything and in the end it had given her the leverage she needed to help their friend.

"And?" James gaped at her. Her calm confession threw him off.

"And I blackmailed him into going to classes so I wouldn't tell you or Sirius." Sheepishly, she explained further. "But Sirius heard the whole thing and now you know, so I guess it's less blackmail and more along the lines of tricking Remus into finishing Hogwarts."

Scoffing with disbelief he shook his head and shrugged out of his under things as he climbed onto his side of the bed as naked as she was. She followed his example, and hissed against the cold sheets that rubbed against her skin like sandpaper. With plenty of space between them, they laid on their backs staring up at the ceiling.

His chortle of laughter broke through the silence. "Why not just snog Peter and claim the whole set?"

She cringed. Peter's impromptu display of courage would have to wait for another day. It didn't feel like the right time to share that tidbit of information. She'd already finished the collection.

His breathing evened out in the silence, but her mind was too swamped with thoughts of the list and Professor Crouch to fall asleep. There was nothing standing between her and the last two names that would finish the list. It was like a knife twisting in her chest.

She fell into a restless sleep that never fully took hold as she struggled through the night. Her eyes were opened before the sun had broken open the black sky, and she wasn't sure that she'd ever really fallen asleep.

Her heart was a hummingbird, beating so quickly she could barely catch her breath. It pushed anxiety through her veins and made her focus jumpy.

Naked, she rolled out of bed and reached for her clothes. They were gone. A house-elf must have collected them in the night. Bending at the waist she walked quietly across the room, and squinted through the darkness to try and make out any spare clothing she'd left on another occasion. She groaned at her predicament. Making a quick trip over to her room wasn't exactly an option in her current state with Remus passed out in her bed.

"Top drawer in the wardrobe." James spoke from the darkness.

She froze feeling like she'd been caught doing something naughty. "I didn't know you were awake."

He didn't get up or move out of the bed as he repeated. "Top drawer."

Following his directions she opened his wardrobe and pulled open the small drawer. There folded in a small square was a pair of lacy black knickers that she hadn't seen since the Christmas Ball. In the hasty rush of removing clothing they'd been shoved in his pocket that December night.

Fingering the slip of fabric she was overcome with sudden hysterical giggles. "That… is so…so…so-."

The sun had still not made an appearance, but the room was filling with a subtle smolder to announce its coming presence and it made it easy for her to make out his crooked grin. The smile carved up his face and prominently displayed her favorite dimple in his left cheek. "What?"

"Creepy!" She finished giving in to laughter again.

He scowled but there was playfulness in his eyes as he leaned out of the bed and yanked her backwards until she fell beside him. He waited to speak with a wistful smile until her giggles had calmed. "I'd forgotten they were even in my pocket until I got back from holiday and found them in a pile of my fresh laundry."

"At least their clean." She laughed lifting her legs then arching her back as she wiggled them up her thighs.

"It was the first time I ever told you that I loved you." He said softly after she'd settled back beside him with their bare shoulders touching.

"I remember." The memory was bittersweet. He'd made being in love with her sound like the equivalent of having a flesh eating virus. "Always the charmer, Potter."

"I loved you so much it hurt." He admitted without looking at her. "And I hadn't even thought it was possible to love you more than I did the first time I kissed you."

Her lips quirked somewhere between amusement and hurt. None of their firsts had exactly been romantic. "You'd told me you hated me."

"Don't you ever feel so much that the line between love and hate blurs?" His pinky finger laced through hers. Their hands settled between them.

She sighed and let her eyes drift close for a moment.

"Do you love me less now?" He asked, shocking her gaze open to lock with his. "Things aren't perfect."

She turned to stare at him. No, things between them weren't perfect. They disagreed, they argued, and they weren't the poster couple for a happy relationship. And still she smiled as she told him. "I feel like my heart might explode sometimes I love you so much, and somehow even when it seems impossible I manage to feel even more for you the next day… I don't want perfect. I want you."

"You're not going to tell me what's going on with you, are you?" There was pain in his question.

"I can't." She twisted out of the bed and reached back into his wardrobe for the first shirt she could find. It was his Quidditch jersey that sank to her thighs and proudly proclaimed 'POTTER' between her shoulder blades.

He followed her as she fled only stopping at his wardrobe to slip on a dry pair of boxers. "You're killing yourself for this and you won't even let me in? You're withering away. You don't eat. You're always distracted, spending hours pouring over a parchment that you won't let anyone see. You can barely sleep… Whatever is going on you can tell me."

"James." He didn't understand what he was asking. The pain in his voice called for her to soothe him and she darted out of his suite needing an escape. "Just let it go."

"I'm not him!" His booming exclamation echoed through their empty common room as he entered behind her. "I'm not Sirius. I will never be willing to let you destroy yourself…because whether you know it or not, that's exactly what you're doing. And I'm not Baker either!"

His name was like a slap in the face. She gasped grabbing onto the couch for support as James glared back at her.

"I don't always know how to deal with you in the right way. I don't know when you need me to push and when you need me to pull back… I see you. I always have for exactly who you are, but I don't know if I'll ever understand you the way he did… It kills me that I can't be that for you." He was the only person she knew who could be so desperate and fierce at the same time. "I'm never going to be them, Lily… I won't ignore what's going on, but I don't know how to fix it either."

"I don't want you to be them!" Her shout picked up the volume he'd trailed off. She'd brought these ghosts into their relationship. There was nothing she could do about it now except try and make him understand. "I want you to be you. I don't need a hero, James. I'm perfectly capable of saving myself. I don't want Sirius while he pretends nothing is going on, and as much as I miss Baker I don't need him anymore either… This is just something for me to do on my own."

"Then just tell me. If you don't want my help then I won't, but if you really do love me then you should want to share this stuff with me." As he begged she had to look away from his face fearful that she would give in. Instead she focused on his white boxers with 'Slytherins Stink' scrawled in messy gold writing across his right thigh. Her silence rubbed him raw and he exploded again. "Why can't you just tell me!"

Because one day they would be the Marauders again. One day they would all celebrate Christmas together while their children played in the other room and the grownups chatted over Eggnog. Sirius would drink a little too much and his little blonde wife would roll her eyes and chuckle, leaving him to sleep it off on James and Lily's couch. Peter would bring over his new girlfriend for the first time to meet them, and Lily would be free to quit worrying about him. Remus would recline on the couch with his arm around the most exotically beautifully witch any of them had ever seen. He would slip away every hour or so to go stand in the doorway of the playroom with content smile as he watched his twin girls build skyscrapers out of blocks with a little gentleman with her father's eyes.

One day they would be whole again. But if Remus ever found out the truth then he never would be. It wasn't that she didn't love James enough to tell him. It was that she loved him too much to ask him to share the burden.

"I can't."

James tensed opening his mouth to go at her again when the door to Lily's room creaked open, and Remus came out of the darkness, leaning against the doorframe for support. "Er… Sorry to interrupt."

His milky brown eyes darted between their tense stances and angry flushed faces. When his gaze lingered on Lily's bare legs she realized that once again she was in a state of undress in public. James glared at his friend and Remus quickly looked away with splotchy cheeks. "I don't exactly remember what happened but I'm guessing I owe both of you my thanks…or an apology?"

"Don't worry about it, mate." James' ability to switch masks truly was something to envy. Instantly he was a good natured friend, grinning and casually taking a seat on the couch. He propped his feet on the table and snatched up a handful of sweets from the decorative dish. Offering a few to his lanky peer as Remus cautiously joined him.

Lily glared at his back. He'd been so sour about her helping Remus and now he was practically accepting the credit. She scowled and went to her now unoccupied room to get dressed.

She was shocked to see that Remus was still there when she reentered the common room fitted in her usual wrinkled attire half an hour later. James said something with a wink and Remus almost chuckled. His face looked unused to the motion as it formed uncomfortable lines around his eyes and mouth. How long had it been since he'd really smiled?

"I'm going to the library for a bit." She told them unwilling to break the moment, but also wanting to give them their time alone.

Remus looked up at her surprised. He looked more awful than ever. His skin had faded to a greenish pale and he still hadn't gotten the haircut he desperately needed. "But seventh years don't have class today."

"Unlike you boys I actually use the seventh year NEWT study day for its purpose…studying." Her time would be spent working on a different type of assignment, but they didn't need to know that.

James didn't look up. He knew she was lying. His tone was strained as he spoke to the empty fireplace. "I'll be down at the pitch."

"The weather's atrocious." A storm had taken up residence over Hogwarts the past few days and from the frightening flashes outside her window it didn't appear to be going anywhere.

"I need to work on some plays for match against Slytherin… I can't bear to be the first Gryffindor captain in three centuries to lose to all three matches." His reply was stiff. "Don't wait up."

"Thanks for letting me use your bed." Remus told her sheepishly. It was strange to see him acting like the old Remus, but she was happy for a visit even if it was just a quick one before he could find another bottle to lose himself in. "I think your turtle might be sick though. I'd take him down to see the gamekeeper, Hagrid, when you get a chance. He's better with animals… I wouldn't wait too long."

She thanked him before leaving.

It was true that Harvey's health had been spiraling again. She thought it would pass just like it had done the last time, but it was only getting worse. Her pet was lethargic and a pale shade that was barely green anymore. There was just so much going on that the tiny creature had been getting shoved to the bottom of her list of worries. Plus, she was almost never in her room and when she was it was always a quick event to change clothes and drop a few food pallets into his aquarium.

Remus was right though. Harvey deserved her full attention and she resolved to take him to see Hagrid as soon as she got done meeting Piper in the library.

The Hufflepuff had already claimed their normal spot in the back and Lily hastily joined her. She already had the parchment out laying it flat on the table. Her eager face shone brightly at Piper. "Ashby didn't have any new information… but I think we should focus more on Camille."

"No." Piper answered flatly. She didn't bother to look up from the mountainous book she stooped over. Only Piper could hunch and still look elegant.

"What do you mean- 'no'?" Quicker than ever before the box was rattling rambunctiously in her gut.

"I came to the library today to get some real work done." She flipped the page, still not gifting Lily with a glance.

Grinding her teeth, the redhead managed to get out a few clipped words. "This is important."

"I do not believe you anymore." Hard blue eyes met hers. "I believed that you had obtained proper affiliation between Professor Crouch and the list you found detailing the murdered Muggleborn students, but it has become clear from your refusal to continue forward that you are far more emotionally involved than I first assessed."

Lily sputtered.

Piper slapped the book closed, creating a clap as loud as the thunder outside to vibrate through the quiet library. Standing casually, she looked down at Lily with a small frown. "Do you really believe that Crouch is responsible for the death of your friend or are you just looking for someone to blame? I am your friend, Lily. From what I understand about friendship, friends do not allow each other to indulge in self-destructive behavior… You need to accept that Kat is gone. Crouch might be responsible, but knowing that will not make her any less dead."

For hours Lily sat alone and stunned.

She wanted to prove them wrong. Piper and Callum and even McGonagall thought that she was looking for someone to blame to ease her suffering.

There was someone to blame though, and they deserved to pay for what they'd done. Someone had written that list. Hadn't she already proven that Crouch knew about all of those couples? Didn't that count for anything?

She had to face the fact that it didn't. As long as it was personal then she'd never be able to see the situation clearly, at least not in their eyes. The only way to prove to Piper and to herself that this was more than just about Kat was to write her name on the parchment with the other murdered students.

Anxiety seized her as she picked up her quill with a quaking hand. She placed the tip near the parchment willing the names to appear while at the same time hoping with everything in her being that they never would.

She didn't know how long she sat there like that. Darkness came again and wind howled from the raging storm that punished the castle walls. She was frozen, aching, sweating, and dizzy, but she forced herself to continue.

The problem was that as soon as she wrote their names it would be real. It would be irreversibly final. It was admitting that even if she caught Crouch it would never erase Katarina Cooper's name from that list. Lily would be surrendering the truth that there was nothing she could do erase the line that had crossed through her name and spared her, while Kat was branded for the blood that they both possessed.

But if she was too weak to accept what she couldn't change then Crouch would never meet justice. Who was to say that she wouldn't inflict more damage by the end of the year? That blood would be on Lily's hands.

Summoning up every bit of strength she'd earned over the past year, she pressed the tip of the quill to the tattered parchment.

And as she formed the letters her mind flashed again and again to Kat's disfigured face and the cruel laugh of a woman whose features she could not longer picture and the solitary cry of a baby who would never get to know the older sister who would have grown to love her so unconditionally.

KAT COOPER + REMUS LUPIN

Kat was really dead. She was never coming back.

Lily didn't bother with the few books she'd brought with her, fleeing the library with nothing but the cursed list in her pocket. She wrestled the monster of emotions down as she ran ignoring the odd looks from passing students on their way to dinner. A boom of thunder masked her first dry sob as soon as she was free of the school, but she kept going even as the wind pushed and pulled her. Her robes grew heavy as they soaked up the liquid that poured on her like a waterfall and the gusts of winds used the leverage to try and sweep her away.

Unclasping the offending article she left it to blow away not caring as it twisted in the air and floated into the choppy lake. She didn't care about anything except easing the grief that she'd thought she'd escaped.

"James!" She called finally entering the Quidditch changing rooms.

Startled he looked up from his place on one of the benches where several books were opened revealing colorful pictures of death defying loops and spins. A fancy quill tucked behind his ear. "Wha-."

He stood as she rushed towards him and they met at the lips. His body responded with hesitation and she encouraged him, pulling his hand to rest on her breast. He broke away. "You're drenched."

"No talking." She scolded repositioning their lips back together.

Her body was pressed against him, soaking into his dry clothes. The motions were right as he squeezed her sensitive mound, but she could tell his heart wasn't in it. Unwilling to meet defeat she pulled back enough to show him the seductive line of skin revealed as she unbuttoned her blouse.

"Lily." The soft plea was ignored. "Let me in."

She took another step away from him and raised her chin to meet his gaze full on. Didn't he know that he already was? She couldn't let him in. He'd already consumed her.

Piece by piece she pulled away the articles of clothing that painted her body until she stood in front of him naked.

He lasted as long as he could holding her eyes before he let himself rake over her form with the eyes of a starving wolf. With an awed face he sat back on the bench he'd abandoned before staring at the soft curves of her body like he could soak her in if he looked hard enough.

Heat fanned through her. He'd seen her this way countless times before and still he made her feel like he was seeing something miraculous every time.

"I don't need you to pretend that everything is okay when it's not, and I don't want you to understand me better than I do myself." She told him, forcing honesty into every word as she slowly walked towards him. "I just want you to show me that you love me right now because everything else is just…unbearable."

She straddled him on the bench, shoving his books into the floor and pressing her naked body against the soft cotton of his clothes. Leaning in, she paused giving him the power to finish the journey and kiss her fully.

Confused and uncertain, he struggled against the desire she could feel pressing into her thigh. "I just want to do the right thing. I want us to be together in the right way, not because I'm your crutch or escape from pain…that's not real. I don't want us to be wrong."

"This feels wrong?" She rolled her hips into his.

His eyelashes fluttered, hazel irises rolling back. His hands took hold of her thin waist, fingers shooting electric currents up her abdomen. "Merlin, no."

He smelled sweet like he'd been eating chocolate and she leaned in closer wishing he'd kiss her already. "Well quit making things so bloody complicated and shag me."

Suddenly she was being lifted up, her back pressed into the cold locker behind them. The chill sent shivers rioting through her and she arched into him instinctually as her legs locked around his waist. He claimed her mouth with a plundering tongue. His hard body solid against hers as her arms circled his neck, allowing him to feast on her ravenously.

A burning mouth scorched away any thoughts and she clung to him like he would leave. She was as light as a feather in his strong arms and using her legs she tried to maneuver him out of his pants.

He groaned. "I'm not going to last very long if you keep wiggling like that."

She gave him a saucy smirk, but relented her unintentional teasing in favor dropping her legs to the ground. Finding the distinct lines of his hipbones underneath his shirt, her thumbs padded heavily against the hot skin there. It was impossible to grow tired of kissing him, and as their mouths twisted together she traced the flat panes of stomach until they had to separate to free him fully of the garment.

"I couldn't think about anything but touching you for the entire week after I saw you without clothes for the first time." She told him between nipping kisses. "Remember? I'd barged in on you in the shower… And now I can touch you anytime I want."

Abandoning her mouth, he trailed demanding lips to her sensitive earlobe and down to spill across her collarbone. "Really? That was the first time we ever saw each other naked? I'd been fantasizing about it since I was thirteen so it's a little hard to keep track."

He chased away her giggle with the return of his lips. Fire raged in the pit of her stomach with a building need and she quickly grew tired of their playfulness, starting at his hipbones again but this time tracing the line of his trousers. His stomach quivered under her touch.

"You know," He started in a rough whisper against her ear. "Somehow I doubt people would believe just how often their Lovely Lily tries to seduce me."

"Tries?" She challenged, tucking her hand underneath the fabric of his trousers and rubbing against his erection.

Pulling away she struggled to rid him of his belt. Distracted by the button, she missed his movements until his experienced fingers trailed between her legs.

"Lily." His voice was nothing more than a desperate growl as he found the wetness that waited for him.

His pants fell to the floor. She'd lost coherent thought as she fell back against the locker when he flicked her sensually. "Yes…so good."

In the haze of pleasure the quick unsteady actions of being jerked off her feet and pinned against the locker again were lost, but her mind rocked steady when their eyes collided. All she could see was the same inferno that burned her alive. His boxers followed his trousers to the floor and their bare skin mashed together as her ankles intertwined around him.

She slid down on him, allowing him to fill her slowly. His thick hardness stretched her to capacity. A mirroring gasp of appreciation erupted through the steamy air.

And then he moved only to plunge in again. She cried out as a violent wave of desire speckled her vision with dark spots. Their moans were so loud she was sure they could hear all the way in the Great Hall. They climbed the mounting sensation together until perspiration slicked their bodies and James trembled within her.

"…not going to last much longer." His face was nearly lost in the sensation as his careful strokes threatened to send her over the edge.

A nod was all she could manage to return as she thrust forward to meet his hips one last time and the world spiraled around her in a crash of pleasure so intense the nerve endings all over her body fired off instantaneously and her eyes blotted out like she'd looked directly at the sun.

When the world settled again they were on the floor on the pile of discarded clothes and she was cradled on his arms. Their breathing was heavy and skin sticky from sex and sweat.

"We should make-up more often." James' rattling breath echoed through his chest against her ear.

She nodded numbly, unable to speak.

Lily's legs were like wet noodles as they redressed in comfortable silence. Feeling slightly lethargic, she was reminded that she'd skipped all her meals and decided not to share the information with James.

"Damn!" She exclaimed remembering the one task she'd overlooked. All her clothes were secured back in place as she buttoned the last button on her damp blouse. "I swore I was going to take Harvey to see Hagrid today, and I forgot all about it."

"I don't think you need to wait." Concern and the slightest inclination of pity welled in his worried eyes. "Remus thought he was really sick… I can come with you if you'd like."

She thought of the work she'd interrupted. Quidditch was important to him and she knew how much it hurt that they hadn't won a match yet. "Stay… Finish up here. We'll call it even if you let me borrow the cloak. I don't want to be caught out after curfew if it takes a long time."

He dug it out of his bag and she folded it over her arm before going to freshen up in the lavatory. It didn't take her long and she was just about to reenter the changing rooms when voices caught her off guard. At first she thought James was talking to her, but then someone else replied to him.

It was Sirius.

Slipping on the Invisibility Cloak, she held her breath with every intention of getting the hell out of there before her ex-boyfriend could identify her presence. That was the last thing they needed right now.

"What are you doing here anyways?" James was bent over retrieving the Quidditch books she'd unseated. His mask was carefully in place, cool and unforgiving, as he looked over his shoulder at Sirius.

"The storm blew over one of the stands and Remus said…" The answer was fatigued with reluctance.

Lily almost her paused her sly exit in elation. Remus had told Sirius that James was supposed to down at the pitch and Sirius had been worried about him! He had come to check on him! However, her momentary distraction only made it more imperative that she flee the room immediately before she was discovered. There minute progress would be decimated by that reveal.

Free of the stuffy room that held the only two boys she'd ever fancied herself in love with, she let out a huge sigh of relief. The weather offered a reprieve from its onslaught and the May air was oddly humid as it clung to her skin and expanded in her lungs. Sirius hadn't been taking the Mickey about the damaged pitch. One of looming stands had cracked at the bases leaving it to slope dangerously.

Thank Merlin he hadn't walked in on them!

She took two steps further into the night and then stopped. Like a leftover strike of unseen lightening Kat's voice resounded in her head, replaying an anecdote she'd been too distracted to pay attention to the time.

Waiting on Professor Crouch to finish her Defense lesson, Kat had unknowingly finished the list for Lily. She'd had no idea it would ultimately be the key to her death.

"Can you believe that?" Kat demanded incredulously. Her face was flushed scarlet. It was Lily's only clue as to what they had been talking about while she'd been lost in Potter world.

"Merlin." It was Lily's exaggerated, but pointedly generic response. Obviously they had been discussing Remus, so she cut her eyes to James' left where the sometimes werewolf was punching Peter in the arm with a grin.

"I know!" Kat's black head bobbed as she nodded, accepting Lily's response as a condolence. "How am I supposed to face Professor Crouch after that?"

The mention of her nemesis doubled the Head Girl's interest in the conversation, but she was saved from having to come up with a way of getting Kat to retell the story without admitting she hadn't been listening when her old dorm mate rattled on without waiting for a response.

"It's not like we were doing anything terribly scandalous. I'm sure she's seen far worse things than a little snogging on her patrols, but we haven't even decided what to call our relationship! All of five people know that we fancy each other and now I have to add our professor to that list."

The thunder reverberated all the way to her core. Kat was right. All of five people had known about their blossoming relationship. Everyone had known about Primrose Tripe and Joshua Fisher. It was impossible to say who exactly knew about Viola Singh and Porter Knight, and Ashby had flaunted his lie all over the castle.

But Crouch was without a doubt in the know about Remus and Kat when the group of others had been so small. It was all the proof Lily needed.

Shock had jerked her feet to a stop, but it was doubt that made her linger. Would it be enough to convince McGonagall and Dumbledore?

And then what? Crouch would be shipped off to Azkaban, and everyone would know the truth.

…Remus would know the truth.

It was the horrible realization she'd been putting off admitting to herself. Remus could never know. The guilt would kill him.

Picking back up her strong willed speed to the entrance hall, she was torn. Crouch couldn't get away with it. She might not have had the Dark Mark (Lily had checked), but she was a Death Eater. She deserved to face justice. Lily wanted revenge. Gone was the girl who only knew of love and couldn't comprehend what would spawn hate. She hated Crouch. She wanted her to pay for her wrongs, but the hate did not overcome her love for Remus.

Dinner had just finished and students crowded her path. Frustrated and beyond infuriated, she ripped the cloak off not wanting to deal with the inevitable questions of an invisible student barreling over her peers. At least if they could see her they could get out of her way.

The fabric in her hands drew another memory forward though. One that she hadn't forgotten, but simply had never known exactly what it meant before.

Feet from the castle's entrance, a flash of black caught both of their attentions as it swiftly moved towards them. A hooded figure rapidly cut across the grounds towards the entrance they lingered in.

"What the-?" Lily began but James cut her off, masking her mouth with his hand and roughly pulled her out of the cloaked figure's oncoming trajectory.

Just as suddenly as the mysterious stranger had approached they passed into the castle and disappeared out of view.

"What's she doing in the Forbidden Forrest in the middle of the night?" Lily asked perplexed by the turn of events.

"What are you on about?" James dropped his hold as soon as the danger passed in favor of his throbbing foot.

"That was Professor Crouch." Lily had only caught a glimpse of the woman as she rushed by their invisible form, but the recognition was almost instant. "Couldn't you tell?"

Again her feet stalled out as her mind wrapped around the knowledge, and students of all ages and houses circulated around her like schools fish in the ocean. She'd had other things on her mind at the time, like having just given up her virginity to a boy who couldn't seem to stop insulting her.

Her mind wasn't done though. It plowed on without her consent, dumping random bits of sentences and knowledge into a straight line.

"Not with how his family is all mixed up with the Death Eaters…" Marley had said about Luka MacMillan and his dark ancestry.

Baker's voice was as strong as it had been the day he'd died in her memories, telling her about Crouch's romantic entanglements with Luka's older brother, Matis. "At Hogwarts he was really into the Dark Arts and-." He'd said of the Slytherin.

And then her mind was in Hogsmeade with Piper and Callum as her Ravenclaw friend recognized Matis on a busy street.

The facts shot like a fertile seed into the depths of her brain as an idea formed. Matis was hiding out in Hogsmeade. It was where Crouch had been before slinking back into Hogwarts in the middle of the night when she and James had seen her, and it was a perfect excuse as to how and where Crouch had been when Death Eaters had marched on Hogwarts. Matis had warned her it was coming. He was close enough to get information to her quickly, and… And at Hogwarts Crouch was in a position to keep a close eye on Matis' Death-Eater-in-training brother, Luka.

Callum had seen Matis with his own eyes after all!

And suddenly Callum was standing right in front of her with a worried face. The hall was still crowded with students as she was pulled out of her epiphany. His hand was cool around forearm. "Are you okay?"

She gave him a distracted nod and jolted forward with renewed vigor in her steps.

"Lily!" He called after her as he tried to match her strides. "Are you alright? Did something happen?"

Her mind was too inundated to grant him a response.

Crouch and Matis were in a relationship. He was a known Death Eater wanted by the Ministry. He was in Hogsmeade.

His concern chased her all the way into the Head Suite and her feet finally paused once she had nowhere else to go. In the silence her wits continued to run in circles until finally she snapped back into reality. Worried lines collected the freckles across Callum's face.

"I know who wrote the list!" She burst out.

He took a step back surprised by her explosion and his expression tensed.

"I know you don't believe me." Her words didn't give him time disagree. "But it doesn't matter about the list… Well I mean of course it matters. People were murdered. Kat was murde-."

"Lily."

"Remus can never know." Again the blurted statement was met with a perplexed stare. It wasn't her fault that her head was just too full to stop and spell it out.

"You're going to have to help me out a little more here…"

"Look, if you don't believe me about the list anymore then that's fine because I can't ever tell anyone about it anyways. I can't do that to Remus…. But I don't need the list to get her arrested." It seemed so obvious that trying to slow down enough to explain was like pulling teeth. "All I need to do is get her caught with Matis MacMillan because-."

But Callum had finally jumped onto her train of thought with a faraway look in his eye as he finished for her. "He's wanted by the Ministry and if they are caught together she will be charged with hiding a fugitive."

"Not to mention her involvement with Grace Murray's disappearance and the Battle of Hogsmeade. I'm sure the Aurors could get that information out of her too." Lily had to speak the words over her shoulder because her legs had restarted again and she raced into her room. She needed to change clothes. Hers were damp and cold. "Oh no, Harvey!"

Her pet had once again been forgotten in the shuffle and now she was faced with the consequences. For a horrified second she thought he was dead as he remained unmoving in his aquarium which suddenly looked much too large for him. He looked up at her approach though, wiggling his tiny legs before giving up and introverting into his shell. The brilliant emerald shade was gone. There was almost no color to him at all. Even his Knut sized shell was a pale white.

"Oh, Harvey." Tears gathered in her eyes. "I'm so sorry… It's going to be okay now though. I'll take you to Hagrid and he'll know what to do… It's going to be fine, Harv. I promise."

Callum stood just outside her door in the common room with the same look of clouded concentration she'd left him with. "I think I could lure Matis into Hogwarts."

"What?" Her full attention was no longer reserved for revenge. Cradling his aquarium with both arms she recalled Mr. Price's advice not to cause sudden changes in his environment when he was sick before. It might have been heavy, but she didn't give it a second thought. Harvey couldn't die… He just couldn't. "How?"

"Luka." He explained. Lily had never been so relieved to have a problem solving Ravenclaw for a friend. "I'll have to come up with something drastic enough for him to immediately Owl his brother… I don't know. I'll have to use a little improvisation but Luka is an oaf. He shouldn't be too difficult to trick."

Torn between Harvey and Callum, she looked from her handsome friend to her sick turtle. "But why? You didn't believe me when I tried to talk to you about Crouch before."

"I'm sorry." His voice was filled with the truth of his pain. "I…I-…We can talk about it later. Take Harvey down to the gamekeeper. I'll come get you if anything happens."

She nodded her thanks and understanding. With only Harvey's aquarium, the Invisibility Cloak, and the same dirty uniform she'd worn all day, she made it all the way to Hagrid's door in half an hour. The almost full moon glowed behind thin trails of clouds that threatened to break back open and unleash the raging sky. It had almost become continuous the past few days.

Lily's hands were occupied with the Harvey's heavy home and she had to shout out Hagrid's name rather than knocking. Her panicked bellows had him at his door in no time with blustering seriousness and darting eyes. His hulking figure eclipsed the light of the hut as he stared at her in the doorway.

After a quick explanation she was ushered inside the cabin and Harvey whisked out of her arms.

"Poor little fella'." Hagrid's deep voice murmured as he coerced the turtle onto his giant hand.

Taking a seat at the oversized table she grew nervous that the gamekeeper would accidentally squash the Knut sized turtle. His movements were sloppy as he clumsily bumped into furniture and mess around the room, collecting what appeared to be random supplies.

"Green, is he? Not just regular, but a real bright shade when he's not so ill?" He asked suddenly. Harvey had been placed under a lamp as Hagrid worked over him.

She nodded. If she tried to speak she would dissolve into a sea of tears. She couldn't lose Harvey. Silence returned and anxiously she peered at his back waiting for him to tell her that everything was going to be okay and he knew just how to make her pet better.

He grunted once before letting out an exclamation over the lethargic turtle. His shell, feet, and underbelly had all been examined with surprising gentleness that Lily wouldn't have expected he possessed. "Would yeh look a there!"

"What is it? Is he going to be okay?" Her hands wrung in circles in her lap.

"Don't s'pose yeh 've ever heard of a Singing Turtle, have ya?" Again Harvey was handled in the man's giant hands. Only this time he was transported along with Hagrid to the seat across from her at the table.

She shook her head, but held her hands out to take Harvey back. He didn't look any better, but she wanted to be close to him. It was the same way she'd felt since she'd first bonded with him at The Magical Menagerie.

Hagrid's face was sad as he made no move to return the turtle. "Real rare, the Singing Turtles are. Used to be common pets, but they've died out over the centuries. Haven't heard o' one myself since I was nothin' more than a wee second year… I s'pect yeh wouldn't have him at all if anyone else knew he was in yer possession."

She didn't understand what any of this had to do with her or Harvey. She'd never even heard of a bloody Singing Turtle. "Hagrid, please. Is he going to be okay?"

"He'll be fine as long as he's not with yeh." The words might have said one thing, but his expression and eyes told her he didn't mean harm.

"I swear I take good care of him. I know he looks bad, but I'd never do anything to hurt him. I love him. He just keeps getting sick." Harvey's illness couldn't have anything to do with her. She couldn't stand causing him pain.

"I'm doin' a right poor job of this, Lily. S'all hard to explain, ya see." He shifted nervously in his seat. The chair was big, but he was bigger. "Yer pet here is a Singing Turtle. There's not much to share. Maybe I could find a book or something…"

"So Harvey's sick because he's a Singing Turtle?"

Hagrid's thick beard splayed across his chest as he shook his head. "I'm gonna do my best to help yeh understand… A Singing Turtle connects with somebody. It's about choosin' a person and that special person gets protection. It's not so much physical. Their soul sings to that somebody's soul. They heal 'em… But when their souls get ter singing it takes a lot out o' 'em… Yeh see? The little bloke is tryin' to heal yer soul, but he's killin' himself givin' ya too much."

"How do we fix it? I'd never want him to hurt himself trying to help me." It was too much information to take in. She needed something to concentrate on. Everything else could wait. Right now she needed to make Harvey better.

"He chose ya." Hagrid shrugged like this was the final say. "The only way for 'im ter stop is distance. He'll keep a right on singin' if yeh let him, even if it kills him."

"He was sick before holiday." Slow realization dawned on her. She could comprehend this one small piece of the puzzle. She'd seen it in Harvey with her own eyes. "I was gone and when I got back he was better. So we just need to separate again for a little while?"

She found pity in his black eyes. "He's dyin', Lily. He's given ya too much as it is. The only way to save him is ter let 'im go…permanently."

The small cheerful creature she'd fallen in love with had been reduced to near death just from being around her. If nothing else Hagrid said made sense, she couldn't deny that. The proof was right in front of her.

Opening her mouth to speak again only a strangled choke came out. It was silly. After everything she'd lost she should have been used to it by now, but Harvey had been her constant. He'd been in her life from the very lowest point. He'd been there before Baker. No matter what else had changed Harvey had always been there, playing and swimming right by her bed. He'd offered countless comforts…More than she'd ever even known at the time.

"Does it have to be right now? Do I have time to say goodbye?" She wanted to be strong. Her voice was gargled, but she wiped at her eyes trying to elude tears that hadn't even come yet.

"I'd say ya have a few hours… Yeh should take him to the lake when yer ready. The other turtles will take care of 'im for yeh. They're tender creatures." His smile was purposefully encouraging, but he didn't make a move to hand Harvey back to her, instead replacing him in his aquarium.

Weak, exhausted, and drained she wrapped her arms around the sturdy glass and lifted it up even though it felt a hundred times heavier. It was as if someone had stacked the weight of her emotions inside along with her pet. Her very own rare magical animal she'd never even known had been in her possession.

Hagrid opened the door for her, offering last bits of information that she couldn't bear to listen to.

Callum stood on the other side of the door with a hand raised as if he'd been just about to knock. His blue eyes were bright and alert as they focused in entirely on her. "It worked. I just saw Matis MacMillan rushing through the gate. He's on Hogwarts' grounds."

"What? It's only been a few minutes since I spoke with you." Her brain felt full and thick. Every thought was like trying to swim through honey.

"Lily, it's almost been two hours." He told her sincerely.

Time just wasn't moving how she expected it to. She needed everything to slow down. Matis' quick appearance proved one thing right though. He'd been hiding out in Hogsmeade this whole time.

"But that's impossible!" Hagrid's deep voice was frightfully strong in his denial. "There's no safer place than Hogwarts. He couldn't get in!"

"Hagrid," She tried to soothe the flustered man. "Go get the Headmaster. Tell him a fugitive is in Professor Crouch's room. He'll floo the Aurors."

"Professor McGonagall will have ter do. The Headmaster's away on business." But the new purpose seemed to calm him and he pushed past the two students heading towards the castle. As an afterthought he shouted back to them without ever breaking stride. "It's after curfew, you two. Get back to yer dorms."

Lily had no intention of missing Professor Crouch's downfall though. Hagrid said she had a few hours left to say goodbye to Harvey. This wouldn't take long anyways. She'd be back for him.

She made an excuse to Callum. He wouldn't be fond of letting her go alone and she didn't want to share James' secret about his Invisibility Cloak. Leaving Harvey in the gamekeeper's cabin, she made her way through the familiar halls protected by her invisibility.

In the end her quiet sneaking didn't make a bit of difference. The shouts and blasts echoed shrilly two whole corridors down from the Professor's Wing. She didn't even have to finish the walk as the excitement came to her. Ducking out of the way behind a statue, her presence went unnoticed by the couple who had no choice but to stop as more voices came from the other side of the hall.

Professor Crouch and Matis MacMillan were trapped. Their hands and eyes were locked together as their shared a knowing look. This was the end of the road for them.

Matis was tall and blonde with several other features that linked him physically to Luka, but without the overwhelming qualities that made the seventh year so unattractive. He was skinnier with a softer face. He was also a Death Eater. Lily could see the hideous mark branded into his forearm where his sleeves had been pushed up.

"Luka said-." The Death Eater began. It was an apology, and the humanity of it struck Lily in the chest.

Under the mask and behind the evil these were people. They had been born and would die just like she would… And yet something in them made it possible for them to take innocent lives. How could he be sorry for this and not the lives he had destroyed?

Love and adoration filled Alledora Crouch's plain brown irises as she cut him off with a kiss.

Lily's blood boiled. She hated her more than she'd ever hated anything before in her life. Crouch didn't deserve even the smallest moment of happiness. Not when she'd made damn sure that Kat never had another.

A steady drum of footsteps broke them apart.

The Defense Professor's hand rested on her lover's chest and Lily's eyes were drawn to the fancy symbol embroidered on Matis' robes. It looked like what the wizarding world might deem a family crest. What captured Lily's attention though was how familiar it was. She was sure she'd seen it before, but couldn't place where. Chances were if the crest decorated Matis' clothes then it probably found a place on some of his brother's as well, but she couldn't manage to link her familiarity with it to Luka in her mind.

The corridor exploded with action despite Crouch and Matis' lack of retaliation. They dropped their wands and offered their bodies to be willingly manhandled by the half dozen Aurors that rushed them.

It wasn't until they were dragged apart that the professor reacted, finally showing the signs of struggle Lily had been expecting.

"You're useless." Crouch spat in one of the Auror's face. A cruel unfeeling laugh poured out of her. "You have no idea what you've done! But you will soon… You'll regret this!"

The flick of a wand silenced her and soon they were all gone taking Hogwarts seventh DADA professor in as many years and the Death Eater with them.

As the Head Girl made her way back through the maze of castle walls she was empty of the satisfaction the victory was supposed to bring. All she felt was tired. No, more than simply tired… She was exhausted. It spread deeper than the physical strain on her arms and limbs, even diving further than her worn out mind. There was exhaustion in her soul.

Hagrid's door was as open as she and Callum had accidentally left it. The cabin was empty, and she knew the gatekeeper would be up at the castle with the other adults trying to sort out what had taken place. It was late now, past midnight, and the dark sky had not come through on its threat of rain again. The night seemed never ending though and Lily could not bring herself to be hopeful her good luck would last.

Harvey looked no worse, but he didn't look better either. She didn't worry with his aquarium, leaving it to Hagrid to do with it what he liked. Maybe he'd find a pet of his own to fill it.

With Harvey cushioned on her palm she made the strained walk to the Dark Lake. In the inky darkness he didn't seem so pale and she managed a sad smile when he nestled his head against her skin.

"I told you not to worry about my silly problems, Harv." His name hung in her throat, saturated with tears.

Her feet took her to the alcove of the lake that had once been the special spot she shared with Sirius. She could find the smallest measure of comfort in that place. It wasn't all bad memories with Sirius after all.

Sitting on the boulder, just big enough for two, with her feet concealed beneath the lake's surface, she sat for hours. The water was cold, but the tingling reminder that she could feel anything made it easier to stay focused. She resolved that if Harvey got any worse she'd forego their goodbye to free him, but he stayed the same.

For a long time she tried to think of the right words to say, even if it was silly to talk to a turtle. Maybe she just wanted to find a way to make him understand how much he meant to her and how thankful she was for trying to help her.

In the end she figured he already knew. He'd chosen her after all, if what Hagrid said was true. If he could see her soul then he certainly knew how she felt about him.

As if to agree Harvey raised his head to peer up, and she gave him her bravest smile. The sky had lightened and she knew that dawn was not too far off. A head peeped out of the surface in the distant water before them and it was soon joined by other turtles. The same ones she'd seen Hagrid feeding.

"They know you're here." She told him with a watery smile as she slid off the rock into the shin deep water. "They seem nice enough. I met them just the other day and Hagrid approves so that has to count for something, right?"

His head twisted towards the turtles in the distance and then back to her as if he was confused. She waded farther into the lake until the bottom of her skirt floated around her. The tears came down her face as steadily as summer stream. She didn't even acknowledge them anymore. "You can have a real family now, Harv. I'm a bit jealous actually… And you'll get better. No more silly adolescent problems or me to worry over… Soon you'll forget all about me."

Submerged in the water he swam a quick small circle to stare up at her. He didn't understand.

"Go on, Harv. They're waiting on you. Don't want to get started on the wrong foot do you?" She cried harder despite her encouraging words. With a half hearted attempted she tried to push him towards the other turtles that still lingered in the deep expectantly.

Again he circled back to her as if they were playing a fun game. She took a step back and he followed her. She had to make him understand.

The water was icy as she propelled forward until her toes no longer detected the sloping bottom. Harvey swam easily beside her as she directed them closer and closer to the group of turtles. She was crying so hard she could no longer see and water spilled into her ears. Swimming had never been a talent of hers, but she kept going…for Harvey.

Maybe he sensed his kin, but eventually he swam ahead. She slowed down watching him go. When he realized the absence of her messy strokes, he paused to turn back to her. This time he didn't return to her side, and she knew he understood.

She bobbed uneasily treading water and gave him the most honest grin she could muster. He stared at her for a moment longer before turning back to his new family.

Strong arms wrapped around her torso and Lily was jerked backwards. The movement submerged her fully under the shadowed water and for a startled moment she thought the Giant Squid was going to have her for breakfast. Breaking the surface again, she realized the hands weren't pulling her under. They were pulling her backwards towards land, and besides squids didn't have hands. Not even the magical ones.

The strong arms did not release her until she was dumped onto the grassy shore, and she laid their limp and heaving from the exertion.

"What the hell are you doing?" It was Sirius and he was just as wet as she was propped against the nearby boulder trying to recover. "Were you trying to kill yourself?"

She was too tired to try and speak. A soft sprinkle of rain peppered her skin, but she wasn't concerned. She couldn't get any wetter than she already was. The droplets ran down her face as she stared at the murky grey sky.

"How could you be so dim?" His rant prattled right along. Fear ran an undercurrent with his words. "Have you gotten into Remus' stash? That's the only explanation I can think of for why a girl who can't swim would venture into the bloody Dark Lake in the middle of the night!"

"I can swim, Sirius." Her calm response did nothing to match his mood. Limply rolling her head to the side she gazed up at him. "I always could. I just told you that so you never tried to make me go skinny dipping."

His jaw fell slack with surprise. They just stared at one another until Sirius went and did the most wonderful thing in the world.

He burst out laughing. They laughed so hard tears spilled down their faces. His bum hit the ground after sliding down the boulder, and she scraped her boneless body off the grass to face him sitting up. They laughed until it wasn't happy at all anymore and the shakes that rattled her chest were more sobs than anything else.

"I saw you head this way earlier." He explained not bothering to brush away the rain that spotted his face. "When you never left I got nervous and then I saw you flopping around out there like a maniac and I thought you were drowning…"

She didn't need to ask him what he'd been doing out after curfew. He'd probably never returned to the castle after talking with James in the changing rooms. It was his nature to seek solace for difficult emotions.

There was no awkwardness between them. Their old spot erased the past and took them back to another rain soaked time when they'd thought they were in love. He ran a hand through his hair, and she smiled thinking of James. There was no doubt that Sirius had picked up that particular tick from his best mate.

"I guess I really didn't know you at all." He fiddled with a pebble on the ground between his legs. "I didn't know you could swim… Or that you were capable of such cunning blackmail."

She returned his small smirk with one of her own. There was nothing for her to say though. It was Sirius' turn to get it all out. He had a right to.

"You were more Marauder than I ever wanted to admit." He said tossing the small stone into the water. The ripples fed outward until they disappeared just as Harvey had done moments ago. "Maybe that's why I fought so hard to keep you away from them… Or maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I always knew how he felt."

"Sirius…"

"No, you might not need to hear this, but I need to say it." The water darkened his hair pulling strands down his face. He was as handsome as ever. "I need you to know that it wasn't that I didn't love or trust you enough to let you into that part of my life… I- I didn't want to share you with them. You were the one thing that was all mine. I was just stupid enough to think that I could keep you."

He was wrong. She had needed to hear him say it just as badly as he did. It didn't change a thing, but it felt a lot like closure.

"I'm sorry too." She told him. Everything felt heavy like the world was trying to press her flat to the ground, but she persevered against the pull. "For never trusting you enough to love the real me."

"If things had been different do you think you could have loved me the way you love him?" His expression was pinched as if he had asked the question against his own will.

She felt a little drunk like the first sip of Firewhiskey had just settled in her belly. It was funny how you could feel so bad until you felt good again. She'd come full circle. She tried to keep her smile straight as the trees spun around them. She couldn't decide which of the two Sirius's she should look at. "I don't think anyone in the world can love another person the way I love James… Not even me. It's extraordinary."

Her ex-boyfriend looked at her oddly. "Well that was honest."

Frowning she found her feet on surprisingly firm ground. She didn't want to think about how small this little victory with Sirius was in the long run. They still had so far to go. Her words were slurred. "I'm sorry."

"Are you okay, Lovely?" He mirrored her standing up.

She nodded, but could not speak. Everything felt weird. Maybe it was that she hadn't slept since the night before. Or maybe that she hadn't eaten all day. Or maybe… she just didn't care anymore.

It was time to stop fighting nature and do as the world wanted. If it wanted to push her into the ground then that was fine was her… It felt a whole lot like going to sleep.

It was strange though. Just as the world went black a stray thought fluttered through her mind.

She still did not know why she had been spared.

0000000

Author's Note: Could you imagine if I hadn't split up the chapters? That would have been one MAMOTH word count.

If you're like Lily and things didn't exactly fall into place how you wanted them to don't worry… It's not over till the fat lady sings. I promise no questions will be left unanswered. Also if the Harvey/Singing Turtle revelation didn't totally click for you we will be getting a much fuller explanation from a much more understandable source very soon. Let me just tell you it's hard trying to make Hagrid share important information, so as a reader I think it's safe to assume that he did a poor job explaining.

I guess really what I'm trying to say is, if something didn't make sense or add up to you I'd wait till the next chapter to start really questioning things

BEHIND THE SCENES

[CANNON] In the Prologue: All the Reasons Why, Lily believes that all "loving someone too much" gets you is "orphans and bad love stories." One could argue that is the only true statement she makes in the prologue. Lily and James love each other "too much" and they leave an orphan and a love story.

By the end of Love and Other Tragedies Lily has kissed 8 different characters including; Sirius, James, Baker, Callum, Evie, Kat, Peter, and Remus. Some reviewers really really detested her kiss with Remus, but I wanted to show that the confusion of friend love and romantic love went both ways. That can be a really confusing difference with hormones and emotions clouding your brain (or at least it was for me). We only get to see Lily's perspective of the Marauders and the way she feels about them, and the Marauders kisses were a way to show that they were just as confused as she was. Plus by the time I'd decided she was going to kiss James, Sirius, Baker, Callum, and Remus I was like 'hell, why not?'

[CANNON] James and Lily's golden kitten, Snitch (my own creation), was almost Mrs. Norris' father. The only reason he escaped this fate was because Filch had been such a nonfactor throughout LAOT that I felt like it would screw with the pace.

Sirius not knowing Lily can swim goes all the way back to Chapter 4: The Men of Diagon Alley when she is drunk at the Simmons' home. "Seems a bit dense for a girl who can't swim to be tottering beside a pool while impaired." James teased her while Baker pulled her towards him. She started to correct him. She could swim, just not well. She had always told Sirius she couldn't so he wouldn't try and make her go skinny dipping.

The flashback of Kat telling Lily about Professor Crouch catching her and Remus snogging comes from Chapter 15: Friendly Fire. Also Lily, Callum, and Piper see Matis MacMillan in Hogsmeade in this chapter.

The flashback of Lily and James seeing Crouch reenter the castle in the middle of the night is from Chapter 8: The Opposite of a Knicker Rule.

"Not with how his family is all mixed up with Death Eaters." Marley states about Luka MacMillan in Chapter 11: Dates and Mates.

"At Hogwarts he was really into Dark Arts and-." Baker tells Lily about Matis MacMillan in Chapter 12: The Most Wonderful.