Love and Other Tragedies

by Fancyeyes

"We don't deserve her," the Head Boy answered thoughtfully. "None of us do. Not even me. Not because she's perfect. She's not. Sometimes I think she's even more disastrously flawed than the rest of us combined. And not because she's beautiful, even though she is. Certainly not for being lovely because she never was.We don't deserve her because she's so much more than we'll ever be"

19. Chapter Nineteen

Love and Other Tragedies

Previously: Lily participated in a Divination Seminar with the purpose of telling the class their last thought. The ritual and potion had a strange effect on Lily leaving her with graphic nightmares of her friends' deaths, and very little explanation as to why. Lily and James discovered a secret passageway that leads from the Head Suite to the kitchens. Dumbledore has been away on business much of the year.

Lily always told Sirius she couldn't swim so he wouldn't make her skinny dip, but when he sees her in the Dark Lake releasing Harvey he assumes she's drowning and unnecessarily rescues her. They chat. Closure is had. However Lily might not have needed to be saved from drowning, but she is exhausted, malnourished, and emotionally drained. She passes out. After finding a list in Professor Crouch's classroom, Lily collected enough information to connect the DADA teacher and her Death Eater boyfriend, Matis MacMillan, with the murdered Muggleborns. Lily decides not to share with anyone about the list because it will cause irreversible damage to Remus for the part he played in Kat's death. Lily counts on Crouch's harboring a fugitive and also suspected part in the disappearance of Ravenclaw Grace Murray to prosecute her.

THIS IS RATED M. That includes violence. Please be warned

Chapter Nineteen

A Power He Knows Not

She was under water.

Lily's scrambled brain came to that conclusion against her swirling surroundings. She remembered taking Harvey into the lake… Had she gone with him to live with his new family? That sounded nice. She hoped the other turtles would like her.

No. Sense told her. She could breathe, and people couldn't breathe without oxygen.

It wasn't sight, or sound, or any other physical sense that told her she was floating beneath a liquid surface, but a general feeling of weightlessness that hugged her legs and pulsated through her arms. It wasn't that she couldn't see or that darkness clouded her vision. She was in place of no seeing, or feeling, or even being. She just…was.

"What was she even doing out there?" The male voice was muffled. It reminded her of someone trying to talk through a pillow. Their intention was anger, but the off putting sound hit her ears with dull and muffled ambiguity.

"I thought she was drowning." Sirius responded behind the same layer that separated her from them. He was either angry or afraid. Often those two emotions were one in the same with him. "I didn't know she could swim…"

"Her sister taught her when they were little. Before she knew she was a witch." The return of James' voice made her more intrigued by the conversation. She pushed herself closer to surface where the voices passed through to her.

She hadn't recognized that it was James before because it hadn't seemed logical for him to be in the water with her. Sirius had been there though… because…because he'd pulled her out of the lake, away from sweet Harvey. She remembered now. This wasn't the bottom of the Dark Lake. It felt more like floating through the air anyways than sinking through water.

Feet of a chair screamed against the floor in an angry noise. She could not see it with her eyes, but the sound began to trace a picture in her mind of what was going on in the world around her.

A clear image was painted of the boys standing over her. She was lying in a slim bed like the cots in the Hospital Wing with her eyes closed and body unmoving. James towered over on one side. His hand unthinkingly pressing into her turned up palm. It was the same place he'd first placed his lips and called her pathetic.

She wasn't just imagining that though. In the same distantly numbed way that she could hear them, she could feel it too, soothing the spot that hadn't itched since the day she confessed her feelings to him.

Sirius glared at his friend from a step away. The chair he'd just shoved disappeared with unimportance, falling out the hazy bubble she'd summoned for them in her imagination.

"I get it, Prongs." The nickname sounded like a curse. "You know her better than me. You always have. I mean why should the girl I love be any different from everything else in my life, right? I should be used to it be now. I can't be better at Quidditch, or school, or even being a ruddy Gryffindor. After all, a real Gryffindor wouldn't have done that to Snape, right? Isn't that what you've always secretly thought? Fuck, even your family is better than mine… She was the one thing that made me better and it turns out I wasn't even doing that right."

She didn't know what he was talking about Snape or that he'd even ever had such envious feelings of James, but she knew both boys well enough to see the wrath building as they glowered from either side of her bed, even if was only in her mind's eye. The façade of the handsome Head Boy's face would be cracking slowly starting in the stiffness in his jaw line and climbing up into his eyes.

"So which is it? Are you angry with me because your supposedly jealous or because of Evans?" It was almost amusing how fury snapped him back into surnames. He could separate himself from the situation that way.

"No, you tell me which is it, James?" Sirius fired back doubling his volume and cutting the distance in half until both of their legs pressed into her mattress. "You strut around this bloody castle wrapped around her like a bleeding vine, turning your nose up at me! Like I've done something wrong! Like I'm supposed to be the one to fix it!"

"No-." James began surprised only to be cut off again.

"You don't even care enough to make things right! Is that it- you have her and you don't need us anymore?" It was a miracle the whole school wasn't flooding in to see what all the raucous was about. They were louder than a Quidditch match.

"Why would I try when I know there's no chance of you ever getting over this?" James demanded in return. "It's just easier this way…for all of us."

"You're a pompous arse." Sirius' voice was lowered but as bitter as vinegar. "It wasn't that long ago you told me that with real friends there was no such thing as unforgivable. So you're allowed to be noble, and forgiving, and all that shite, and I'm not? Bloody great friend, you are mate."

"But you still love her." James was resolute. His stubbornness was legendary. She'd been pushing and prodding at these walls for months.

"We all fucking love her!" Sirius shouted so loudly Lily's eardrums vibrated. "Remus, Peter, all of us. We're all a mess. You should know better than anybody that it's nearly impossible not to. She's gorgeous, fiery, smart, and she can love so hard it will nearly blind you. Plus, she's got the best set of tits I've ever seen."

James growled and the bed rattled as he lunged.

"Have you been away from us so long you've forgotten when I'm taking the mickey?" The devious seventh year laughed dodging the pointed violence. "What I'm trying to say is that we all love her like we love each other. We just never took the time to notice that she was one of us all along and now…now things are just a little backwards."

"And you've often had the urge to snog Remus and Peter?" Came James' snarky reply, but it seemed like they were coming off the mountain of danger to rest in some strange valley of understanding.

"But don't you see? That's really the whole problem!" Sirius declared. She could tell he'd put a lot of thought into his revelation from the excited buzz in his voice. "It's hard to understand the way we love her when she's all beautiful, and sweet, and ridiculously sexy-."

"Sirius." James scolded again exasperated.

"I blame hormones." His reply was matter-of-fact. "But those should be passing right along soon and as-…unpleasant as it is seeing the two of you together, it makes things easier to understand… She told me that she didn't think anyone in the world could love someone else the way she loves you."

"She said that?" James looked down at her with reluctance in his voice she couldn't understand.

"You shagged the same day you got together and you're surprised that she loves you?" The bitterness was nothing more than an aftertaste.

James was quiet and Lily already knew that he would not correct the mistruth. They'd been sleeping together months before the kiss on the Quidditch pitch that he and the rest of the school had witnessed.

She waited as eagerly as Sirius for what James' reply would finally be. "I know she loves me. I couldn't doubt it if I wanted to. Mostly I'm surprised she said that to you… She doesn't like to hurt people."

Sirius made a strangled chuckling sound. "I think a general lack of honesty is what got us into this mess in the first place."

Like a swift breeze something began to push her away from them. She fought to stay, needing to hear that the damage they'd done together could be fixed.

"James, you need to know that I'm not going to pretend that everything is okay between us now. It's not just going to disappear overnight." There was strength in his voice that helped anchor her to their conversation. It made it easier to fight the current. The sudden turn of the conversation made her feel like she'd missed something in the few seconds she'd been away.

"I want to make it right." James told him. She had to give him credit. For as stubborn as he'd been to make an attempt with Sirius, he wasn't meek in his apologies now. There was honesty and loyalty in his words. There was a promise.

"It'll be easier for Remus and Peter. It won't be so hard for them to love her the way we love each other, but they've…they've never had her like I have. Make no mistake, I did love her and maybe if she'd have let me in then I could have been in love with her too… We would have never had what the two of you have, but in a world where you didn't exist then she would have been mine. We could have been happy."

Was he right? In a world where James didn't exist could she have been happy with Sirius? It was a hard concept to wrap her mind around, not because being with Sirius was an improbability but the thought of a world without James burned her like flame directly to her skin.

"We don't deserve her." The Head Boy answered thoughtfully. "None of us do. Not even me. Not because she's perfect. She's not. Sometimes I think she's even more disastrously flawed than the rest of us combined. And not because she's beautiful, even though she is. Certainly not for being lovely because she never was… We don't deserve her because she's so much more than we'll ever be. We don't deserve her because she loves us even though we don't deserve it."

They settled into a silent contemplation as Lily puzzled over their words. It felt like they were talking about someone else. They couldn't possibly be talking about her. They were the special ones. James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus were the ones that were more.

As the wind pushed her harder to move away into the blankness of beyond, she managed to hear the final sentence James' uttered.

"I've done so many things wrong, Padfoot. Right and wrong are supposed to be black and white. It's hard to accept that doing the right thing can be wrong too…. I do solemnly swear to never knowingly do the wrong thing to you again though, Padfoot."

Lily didn't get to hear Sirius' reply as she was swept away into the nothingness.

Was this death?

And as if she'd called out to her old friend with the thought, she was suddenly immersed in it.

She was dumped into a decrepit room that stank so potently of death she nearly gagged. It was some sort of shack. The walls caved in some places and arched ominously in others. It was the kind of place she'd expect to find rats and vermin crawling up her legs, but the room was strangely devoid of any movement at all, like the calm after the storm.

The floor behind her feet flew up, revealing a trap door and she watched a thin boy with hair as black and as unruly as James' rushed to a collapsed figure that she hadn't seen before.

The three teenagers that gathered around him spoke in murmured panicked whispers, but Lily did not pay them any mind.

She only had eyes for the man who had once been the little boy in a woman's blouse who told her she was special before she even believed it herself. He was a man now as he lay dying from the blood that gushed from distinct puncture wounds. The black haired youth was doing something with his hands, but she didn't watch his actions, instead coming to sit side by side with him as they both stared down at Severus Snape.

"Look…at…me…" Severus's ragged whisper barely ruffled the air.

Lily and the boy did as he asked, and as an errant tear fled his dirt stained cheek she no longer saw the hate. She saw hope, and loyalty, and love so strong it made her want to weep. She saw the boy she loved so long ago.

And then there was nothing. He was not the hate or the love. He was dead.

Unlike the others, Severus never became aware of her presence at the last moment before death took him. She had once theorized that her purpose there was to offer comfort, but whatever solace her old friend had needed he'd found in the eyes of the raven haired boy next to her.

Curious she turned to him and gasped as mirroring emerald irises met hers. They were her eyes- her father's eyes and she fell into them as if she spiraled into the depths of a Pensieve. The world disintegrated bringing forth a whole new reality.

She was still looking at the boys eyes, but the body she saw him through was no longer her own. This body felt heavy and rotting. She could even smell the stench that wafted up from the form she inhabited but didn't control.

The boy was staring into her eyes with a new emotion. The hatred made her want to turn away, but it was layered with some sort of disbelief and…completion.

And then she felt the metallic sting of metal around his neck, choking the life out of the man.

Forgive me. When she'd first heard Peter's last thought in the Divination Seminar she'd felt pity and confusion, but now she could not understand who he was sorry for. Was he sorry for the boy? Or was he sorry for himself? Was it his weakness that begged forgiveness or his strength?

He never got the chance to say the words out loud as he died and she was once again yanked away with the boy's eyes.

The new body she came into was more comfortable than the last. His eyes that she looked out of surveyed a room in tumult as his wand did battle with a crazy haired witch with evil striking her intentions.

"Come on, you can do better than that!" The voice was Sirius' that came from her lips.

As the sadistic woman's wand whipped through the air as smooth as a knife Sirius felt calm spill over him. Lily wanted to cry, shout, or jump out of the way of the spell that raced towards him, but this was not her body to control.

I guess not. His thoughts came with the same ironic humor that his life had portrayed so well.

She didn't understand his acceptance of death. He wore it like a badge of honor. What could be worth this?

Sirius fell backwards his body floating through a veil and Lily spotted the green eyes again across the strange unfamiliar room that had taken her friend's life.

She knew then.

It was him.

Through their eyes she saw him again and again- a boy worth dying for.

She saw Remus fall with vigorous courage in his eyes as a bloody battle raged around him.

If I can just hold them off a little longer. Lily knew he was protecting the boy too. Fighting on to save him even if it meant his own death.

She was dropped into a new scene. This one only contained one person.

His hair had been groomed into some sort of order, or at least the best attempt that could be made. His sturdier frame was draped in a sweater and slacks that made him look terribly adult. But under the changes that only a few short years could bring he was still him…He was still James.

He looked terrified, standing on shaking widespread legs as if to try to block the stairway from coming evil.

"James." She said uselessly. He couldn't hear her.

They'll make it. I know it. The doorway was splintered apart and there wasn't a thing in the world she could do to stop it.

So she didn't. She walked to take a stand by his side and placed her invisible hand over his. He might not ever know it, but she'd been with him until the very end.

"Always." She whispered to him as the green strike of light hit his chest.

She gasped and lurched forward no longer in the strange world of the visions, but in a bed in the hospital wing.

Early morning light flooded through the uncovered windows, but the gentle tinkle of a rainstorm disoriented her momentarily. Looking toward the source of the noise, she found the little box that she'd given Sirius for Christmas. The small dark cloud was raining into nothing soothing the air with a sweet lullaby.

"Fascinating little object." The Headmaster told her. He was sitting in the same chair Sirius had manhandled earlier as he studied the little knick knack on the small bedside cabinet. "Mr. Black left it for you. He said it helps him sleep."

She tried to speak, but a choking sound came out instead. Quickly he materialized a glass of water and she drained it relentlessly until streams of water spilled down the sides of her mouth. Finishing the entire glass she wiped away the liquid on the sleeve of the sleeping gown she'd been dressed in. "Sirius doesn't need any helping sleeping. He's like a log."

"Ah." Dumbledore's smile was gentle, but his eyes sparkled brightly. "I suspect he meant it keeps away the bad dreams, but I have a suspicion your nightmares go much deeper than that."

He didn't need her to tell him he was right so she sat quietly waiting for him to explain his presence.

"I must apologize for my absence this year. I've been occupied with…other things. Things that I would like to discuss with you further after graduation." His cryptic explanation didn't frustrate her. There was something peaceful about being near the elderly wizard. It was a safe feeling. "It seems I've missed quite a bit while I was away… Professor McGonagall tells me that this isn't the first time the Head Girl has found herself in the Hospital Wing."

Lily couldn't help the blush that spread faintly across her cheeks. She didn't want anyone thinking she was fragile. "Nothing serious. I just had an odd reaction to the Divination Seminar Madame Celeste put on."

"Odd, indeed." The Headmaster agreed with a hum. "Do you mind recounting how Madame Celeste explained your unusual reaction to the ritual? I spoke with her afterwards myself, but I would enjoy hearing your interpretation of the events."

"She said it was something to do with being connected to love…or the people I love. And something about my future being intertwined."

Dumbledore nodded. His blue eyes glazed over as if lost in the deep workings of his intelligent brain. "After what Hagrid has informed me about your connection to the Singing Turtle I think there might be more to it than even that."

"Sir," She began tentatively. "Are you saying that my nightmares and Harvey are somehow connected?"

"I believe that both things are connected through you, Ms. Evans." The intensity of his gaze sucked her in. "I am assuming that Hagrid explained to you the disappearance of the Singing Turtles over the centuries. You see, they used to be quite common- a favorite pet for those who could afford them."

"What happened to them?" She couldn't help but think of her sweet Harvey. He was out there in the Dark Lake somewhere having grand adventures.

"It wasn't what happened to the Singing Turtles that has led to their extinction in the eyes of the wizarding world. It's a common misconception though… However, I'd venture to guess that there are just as many Singing Turtles born now as there ever were… You see it wasn't the Singing Turtles that changed. It was the people."

He gave her a moment to contemplate it before continuing. "I have a similar theory on the Old Magics. They require an openness of heart that was lost through the generations as wars were fought and hatred took root in all sorts of new forms. The old way of magic began to fade because witches and wizards became less susceptible to love …. The Singing Turtles' magic is based in the same form of magic. It was how your Harvey was able to connect with you."

"So what does it all mean, Headmaster?" She knew a little about the magics of old. They were powerful but much harder to control than magic that could be channeled through a wand.

"It means you have a very powerful gift. There is a pureness to your love that allows you access to Old Magics unlike anything you've ever dreamed of." There was awe in his voice and the briefest flicker of envy that was gone before she would ever remember it existed. "It cannot bring you the type of riches or strength that most seek out, but do not doubt, it is the most powerful magic of all."

The information did not frighten her. She wondered if Dumbledore's calming effect was shielding her from the shock of his words. It didn't seem like something she could ever have much control other anyways.

His patience carved face waited for a trigger to sign that he could once again begin his tale. "Your capability for Old Magic is the reason Madame Celeste's ritual affected you so deeply. From what I understand of the proceedings, the Madame opens you up to the inner eye. Someone such as a Seer might have the same reaction you did because they have a closer connection with their inner eye… You, however, are so profoundly connected to the ones that you love that when you entered the trance in their presence it opened up their inner eyes to you as well. Physical contact and mere proximity to those around you at the time of the episode most likely exaggerated the experience."

His tinkling voice was an even more tempting lullaby than Sirius' raincloud. The breezy wind that pulled her to slumber tickled at the back of her mind, but she wrenched her eyelids open. There were still answers she needed…and why was she even in the Hospital Wing in the first place? No, that wasn't even in the top three questions she needed answers to at the moment.

She wasn't going to make it awake much longer so she started at the top. "Crouch?"

His kind expression turned pensive as his pause dragged her even closer to the nothingness that waited for her. Why was she still so tired?

"Ms. Alledora Crouch confessed to helping conceal the fugitive, Mr. Matis MacMillan. He's been stowed away above a little pub in Hogsmeade since the beginning of last term. She'll be spending a little time in Azkaban, but Mr. MacMillan will be there quite a bit longer. His brief actions as a Death Eaters could not be overlooked."

Half asleep she couldn't release the cry anguish she felt. What about Grace Murray? Where was the justice for Kat, Joshua, Camille, and Viola? Surely the Aurors had found the evidence they needed of Crouch's own involvement with the Death Eaters to prosecute her accordingly.

She was just so tired though, and when she opened her eyes again she was no longer in the same reality that she'd just left the Headmaster in.

This was the world of the visions. It felt different now though. There was a tingling of finality that danced in the air.

She was no longer a bystander or even the unwilling presence in someone else's body. This was her body.

This was her death.

There was no sound as she braced her back against a crib facing a man that said words that she could not hear. It was a face she recognized; a face she knew from her nightmares. With his slithering walk and hate deformed face he left a trail of death in his wake. He had murdered so many and taken so much from her, and yet the raging hate she expected to feel never came.

All she could feel was pity.

When he raised his wand she felt no fear. She felt strength burn through her heart, her mind ghosting over a million moments with James before they settled on a baby and her insides exploded as if she were a phoenix preparing to rise from the ashes.

He will live.

The last thoughts she'd ever have and the world went black.

Somehow she just knew that there would be no more visions. She had done what Baker asked and accepted what she could not change. They would leave her in peace now.

When she opened her eyes again she was not back in the Hospital Wing though. She was in a room so dark she was afraid to move for a cliff of wall might be in her path. After a moment her eyes adjusted and she could dimly make out the classic signs of bedroom. There was a vanity and cupboard as well as a bed, all shadowed by the dark curtains that fought the moon's light.

"You said you'd come." A small voice came from the mountains of quilts on the bed. The only feature Lily could make out of the person was a shiny waterfall of dark red hair that splayed across a pillow.

"You can see me?" Startled by the turn of events, Lily took a step back bumping into a desk she hadn't noticed before.

A strangled choking sound emitted from the bed and left Lily to wonder if the woman was very old or very sick. "You told me you'd be with me at the end. I just never thought it would come so soon."

"I don't understand." This was all wrong. The visions had never been like this before. Who was this person and how could she see what the others couldn't?

The woman sighed with a pleased edge. "It's nice to finally not be the only one out of the loop."

In her navel the pull began and Lily opened her mouth to explain that she had to leave, but the girl was already speaking.

"Don't fight it. It makes it harder." She told Lily.

"How did you know?" She didn't mean about the pain. The stranger was wrong about that anyways. It had never hurt before. Lily wanted to know how she knew she was being pulled out of the visions.

In the faintest light, Lily could make out a gesture the woman made to her ears as if that explained everything. The woman cleared her rusty voice. "You wanted me to tell you that the visions aren't going to come back. They're gone now."

"I told you that? I don't even know you?" This was getting weirder and weirder- too weird for her to attempt to stay. She'd be thankful for the escape at this point.

"You will." The woman assured her as the scene began to slip away. It had just about disappeared when she added like calling down a hallway. "And thanks… for everything."

This time when Lily opened her eyes she was safely tucked into her bed in the Hospital Wing, and she let out a thankful sigh.

She checked the reassuring raincloud Sirius had left her and it still dropped baby rain droplets down into nothing. The chair Dumbledore had occupied was empty and she felt slight mortification for passing out in the middle of their conversation.

Scanning the rest of the room- "Fuck!"

"I was not attempting to alarm you." Piper was standing on the other side of her bed, a few hesitant steps away. She'd been so quiet that Lily hadn't even known she was there until her eyes had fallen on the silent Hufflepuff. "It was one of Madame Pomfrey's rules for visitors. Number three- do not cause any stress."

"It's fine." Lily pressed her hand to her galloping heart afraid it might jump right out of her chest. "Why am I here anyways? I've been so out of it no one's bothered to tell me."

"When Black brought you in you were malnourished, suffering from sleep deprivation, and in the first stages of a mental breakdown." Piper informed clinically.

"A mental breakdown?" That didn't sound good. Wasn't that the type of thing that got you thrown in St. Mungos permanently?

"Did you know there is very little knowledge in the way that wizards handle Mental Healing? In the muggle world there is an entire science focused on the matters of the way and why we think." Piper looked more enthusiastic than Lily had ever seen her.

Unfortunately it did nothing to answer her questions. "Is my brain broken?"

"Not that they can tell." The Hufflepuff replied sensibly. "All you needed was rest and food. Really Lily, you should consider taking better care of yourself."

She groaned in response, biting back a sarcastic reply. "How long have I been here?"

"Two days." A new voice replied, one that she easily recognized. James strolled towards her bed handing Piper a spare muffin and giving her a disgruntled look. "Leave it to you to wake up in the five seconds I leave your side. I'm offended, Evans."

"Don't let his bravado fool you." Callum followed James, taking a place surrounding her bed with the others. "He's been a wreck. I've had to pick up all the slack since Hogwarts was missing a Head Girl and Head Boy."

She wished they'd sit down. All this lurking was making her uncomfortable. "I'm being a bad host. James, why don't you summon an extra chair so you can all sit and tell me what's been going on?"

"Rule number five- only one visitor is permitted at a time." Piper recited while James ignored her and did as Lily suggested. Piper didn't put up anymore argument taking a seat with the boys.

James met her eyes and she gave the slightest nod of acceptance. They needed to talk privately later. For the moment she was content to be in the presence of her friends who were still alive and not wispy shadows that she always forgot upon waking.

Calling upon her best grin, she looked around the three of them. "Okay, tell me the truth. How dreadful do I look?"

As they proceeded into a pointless banter on what she'd missed, she was thankful they understood her need for something lighthearted and easy. They might not know what she'd been through, but they filled her unspoken request perfectly without question.

Madame Pomfrey remained absent even as the sun dipped down to glare at them through the long windows.

"Oh." Lily was the first to spot her newest visitor who had stopped at the sight of her entourage. Dressed in her uniform, Marley tugged self consciously at her blonde ringlets taking in the group. "I didn't realize you were awake."

"What is going on here?" The stout demand came from the woman who had barged in after the Gryffindor. Their luck had run out. The matron had returned to guard over her unwilling patient. "Only one visitor is allowed at a time."

Callum and Piper were quick to begin to gather their things, but James looked to her questioningly with an unhurried gaze.

Lily looked back to Marley's short form which was tittering uncertainly by the door. It was easy to see the distraught buzz that hummed around her old dorm mate.

"You should get some rest." Her statement was directed at James. "Marley hasn't had her turn yet… And frankly, I'm a bit tired of you."

She turned to give Marley a reassuring smile as she teased him.

"Thank Merlin." James exaggerated a liberated smirk, picking up on her need to assure Marley that she wanted her there. "I thought you'd never free me of this dauntless obligation… Guess I'll just have to go spend the evening with some old mates."

"Really?" Lily couldn't stop the hopeful spark that lit her eyes.

He frowned slightly at her expectations, but it didn't fully diminish the happiness from his expression. "Nothing to exciting, I'm afraid. Sirius and Peter are just tired of taking care of Remus all by themselves when he gets sick. You're warden says your free to go tomorrow morning so you'll probably beat me to the Head Suite."

She did the calculations in her head, subtracting the two days she'd missed and found it to be the last night of the full moon. It was far from the Marauders' reunion she'd hoped for, but if they were including him at all again it was a good sign. "Don't forget to let Snitch out into the courtyard before you go. You know how sour he gets when he's shut up all night with neither of us there to acts as a scratching post."

James nodded, dropping a kiss to her forehead before making his exit with Callum and Piper. Satisfied that her rules were being followed Madame Pomfrey shut herself in her office after sending away the chair James had magically summoned with a disappointed curve of her mouth.

"I'm glad you're here." Lily told her one remaining guest.

Marley's movements were cautious and unsure, nothing like her normal sharp grace that echoed on and off the Quidditch Pitch. She took a seat, wrapping her hands together in her lap. When she looked up at the Head Girl there was sadness in her eyes. "We've got to stick together now. We're the only ones left."

The mention of the ones they'd lost whipped across her sensitive flesh like heat to a blister. She nodded in agreement, fighting the emotions that welled inside of her. One day it would be nice to have someone to remember Kat with- someone who had been through it all. At some point it felt like she'd lost Evie. Her absence created a barrier that would never fully allow her to understand the grief that she could share with Marley.

That day wasn't today though. It was too fresh to pick at.

Marley cleared her throat as if to warn Lily that she felt the same and it was time to change the subject. "I suppose they filled you in on the new Defense professor."

"Actually," Lily was happy that she'd brought it up. "I hadn't even asked. I kind of figured Dumbledore would just fill in until the end of the term. There's barely any time left at all."

"Oh no, they've called in that cute White Cloak that did the Polyjuice demonstration with us- Professor Hensley." She giggled as she explained. Apparently Baker's old partner had a fan in Marlene.

"He should be loads better than Crouch." Lily nearly choked over the woman's name. She still couldn't believe that the Aurors had not been able to identify her Death Eater connections besides Matis.

Marley's look of caution returned, but this time the Head Girl could guess why. "There are rumors that you had something to do with the Aurors discovering that Professor Crouch had been hiding Luka's brother."

Lily shrugged. She was unwilling to deny it, but she had no desire to delve deeper into the issue. There was something she could offer Marley though. "It's funny… It was actually you who first put the idea in my head."

"Me?" Her squeak was incredulous, but excited by the prospect of her involvement in the take down of a Death Eater.

"You were the one to tell me that Luka's family was involved with Death Eaters." Lily explained.

A look of pure bewilderment passed over Marley's classically pureblood features. After a moment she recovered. "Well I'm happy to have contributed, but when I said that the MacMillan's were mixed up with Death Eaters I was referring to the fact that they were being targeted by the Dark Lord."

"What?" Taken aback, Lily was shocked she managed to blurt the word out. "Matis MacMillan is a Death Eater. Why would they be after one of their own?"

"Because he wasn't one of them anymore. No one really knows what happened, but one day the MacMillan's were in good standing within the Death Eater ranks and the next Matis had disappeared… Not exactly a place you want to be; wanted by the Ministry and the Death Eaters. There were rumors of an assignment that he refused to follow." The blonde explained slowly. "I'm surprised you didn't know. It wasn't in the newspapers or anything, of course, but lots of people were talking about it."

"I must have missed my invitation to the Pureblood gossip session." Lily snapped. Her mind whirled violently through this turn of information. What did it all mean?

Marley's face was stricken. "I-I-I didn't mean anything by it, Lovely."

"No, I'm sorry, Marley. I didn't mean to be rude. I'm just tired." As distracted as she was she still felt the need to coax the smaller girl's hurt feelings.

Marley was delighted to accept the excuse and make an eager departure. She promised to sit with Lily at lunch the next day.

Lily suddenly remembered the MacMillan insignia she'd seen boasted proudly on Matis' robe and how familiar it had felt. He had to be a Death Eater! He had to be! Maybe he and Crouch had conspired to make the list of pureblood students in relationships with muggleborns as a way of getting back in the good graces of his precious Dark Lord.

But the relentlessly nagging question was still there. It had never fully gone away to begin with.

Why had she been spared?

Suddenly the things she'd been so sure about turned against her full of doubt. If Crouch was really trying to earn her lover's way back into You-Know-Who's hands then why litter her journey with hints and half concealed threats? Hell, she could have marched down to the front grates herself to let the Death Eaters in when they marched on Hogsmeade.

When Madame Pomfrey left later that night, Lily faked sleep. Her body was still, but her mind rioted silently. Half the night she tried to ignore some unseen need. It was Harvey. Her soul searched for his healing touch.

She didn't even fully process her actions as she left the safety of the Hospital Wing and ventured swiftly back to the Head Suite as quiet and unnoticed as a ghost. Harvey wouldn't be there, but maybe the familiarity of her room would help her sort through her thoughts.

Madame Pomfrey had planned on releasing her just a few hours later anyways. She needed to be there when James returned from his adventures with the Marauders. She had to tell him what she knew- the mistake she'd made.

She made it halfway across the common room of the Head Suite thinking of how it had only been two days since she'd relayed her plot to get Crouch caught with Matis MacMillan to Callum. He'd been exactly what she needed that night.

She couldn't have done it without him.

The thought struck her as odd and she paused. How exactly had he gotten Matis MacMillan to rush to Hogwarts with little regard for his personal safety after successfully hiding from Death Eaters and Aurors for months?

The steps leading up into the Head Suite creaked under the weight of a human being and she whirled around grasping for the wand she'd left lying innocently on her bedside cabinet in the Hospital Wing.

"Well this is a little earlier than I expected." Callum said thoughtfully as if talking to himself and she just happened to be there to hear it. His slight accent coated each word.

Every fiber of her being screamed at her the danger she couldn't understand. She needed to collect herself so she stalled. "How did you get in here?"

His crystal blue eyes assessed her plain white gown and wandless hands. "Don't you remember? I suppose you wouldn't. That was an exciting night for you after all. Before the Christmas Ball you were kind enough to offer me an invitation into the Head Suite anytime I needed you, and I'm sorry to say that such occasion has finally arisen."

"How did you convince Matis to come? I don't think you ever told me what your plan entailed." Her voice was oddly calm, a lot calmer than she felt. She just needed to keep him talking. She had a feeling she wasn't going to like what happened when he stopped.

His mask was a thousand times more dangerous than James'. There were no cracks. Callum's face was as smooth as the one he'd used to fool her all year. "I let Luka overhear me say that I was going to poison Crouch so she'd quit getting in my way."

As soon as the words settled between them she had no doubt that Callum wasn't planning on letting her leave the room alive.

"I really should be thanking you." His façade was unbreakable, but his hand trembled in its grip on his wand. "Crouch and I had reached a standstill. We couldn't implicate the other without implicating ourselves, but you cleared up that little problem for me."

Lily nodded as if this was sensible and they weren't discussing a Death Eater plot. A memory flashed hot in her mind and suddenly she could remember exactly why the MacMillan family crest had been so familiar. It had been on the letter Callum had been reading the first time she sat by him in History of Magic. A gasp lodged in her throat never making it into reality. "I accused you of having a secret lover back home and that day in Hogsmeade you recognized him so quickly. Matis recruited you to become a Death Eater, didn't he? I'd gone to school with him too, but I couldn't recall what he looked like even faintly… You looked liked you'd seen a ghost."

"I thought I had! He was supposed to be dead after all. You don't go against the Dark Lord's wishes and live to tell about it." He admitted with a humorless choke that mimicked laughter. "Do you want to know what my supposed racy love letter was informing me that day your loneliness drove you to befriend a random Ravenclaw you had barely ever spoken to? The Death Eaters wanted to make an example of a student at Hogwarts- a mudblood girl who fancied herself good enough to be named Head Girl over Purebloods. A Gryffindor who cavorted with Sirius Black and had drawn the hate of a little Death Eater in training Regulus Black-."

"You say that like you're not one of them." She cut him off unable to bite her tongue.

"I'm not!" He didn't bother with the mask, letting a shiver of revulsion roll freely down his attractive face. "I never wanted this. Matis had been Head Boy for Merlin's sake! He recruited me and I trusted him. I'd heard things, of course, but it couldn't have been that bad if Matis was involved. I looked up to him… Maybe you shouldn't be so quick to judge since saving your life is what got him tossed in Azkaban."

She felt the breath leave her body as the first strings of sense began to attach to facts she already knew. "What?"

"The letter you saw me reading that day in class told me all about what the Death Eaters had planned for me…But Matis told me that sometimes there were ways around killing innocent people. He admitted to me that he had no taste for it. His fascination had always been with the Dark Arts, not killing or torture." Callum paused staring her meaningfully in the eye. "He told me to offer a reprieve instead… I should offer to make a list of all the Purebloods in relationships with Mudbloods…just to teach them a lesson, of course. No one would have to die."

"No." Raw emotion spiked her words vehemently.

"And then you sat down next to me and it felt like a sign. Besides I couldn't kill anyone, especially not sweet, lovely Lily Evans." He continued like she hadn't spoken. "When we went on that disastrous date in Hogsmeade I had to stop to send post because Hogwarts Owls are monitored. I sent Matis a letter telling him that I'd make the list and I never heard from him again. Rumors were rampant. Had he been a traitor? Was he dead? Had he run? And all I could feel was relief. If Matis was dead so was my connection to the Death Eaters. I thought I was free."

"I saw Crouch that night. I saw her sneaking back into the castle." Lily confessed quietly feeling guilt pool in her gut. The dots were connecting in her head. "Matis refused to have you kill me and when they turned on him he fled back to his old Hogwarts love Alledora Crouch. I even saw her talking to Luka in the corridor about it afterward, though I had no idea what they were discussing at the time."

"From what I heard later they tortured him to the point of death. He was lucky to get away." Callum said with no pity or remorse. Maybe he'd silenced his humanity. Maybe he had to in order to achieve where this confession would end.

His detachment bled into her. It begged her to cut off the feelings of remorse she couldn't understand. How could she feel sorry for a Death Eater? Was refusing to do evil enough to earn sympathy? "That's why Professor Crouch hated me. Matis nearly died because of me. He had to go into hiding because of me… And I never bothered to show the slightest appreciation for the gift I hadn't known I'd been given."

"Yes, yes, yes, the world revolves around you, Lovely!" For the first time he approached her, striding forward with spit ratcheting from his mouth around the snarled words. "My sister is dead because of YOU! I'm going to be a murderer BECAUSE OF YOU!"

Warnings screamed in her mind as she fought the instinct of fight or flight. She didn't want to set him off and she feared trying to flee would spell her end. After all, he had a wand on his side and even on level playing field she still wasn't a match for him physically.

"Well I suppose that isn't true. I've had blood on my hands since Easter." His rough hands grasped her face, holding her chin up so she was forced to stare into his eyes.

"You don't have to do this, Callum. It doesn't have to be this way." Swallowing down bile she tried to reason with him.

"Funny." He squeezed her jaw so tightly she feared it would snap. "That's what I thought too. When I got the letter from a new Death Eater contact the week after the attack on Hogsmeade telling me to finish my assignment or there would be repercussions I thought they meant making the list. And then after a run in with another student I know is in line to be a Death Eater I was positive that Matis had been able to change my mission before whatever happened to him took place."

The situation was spiraling quickly and she could see her opportunity for escape dwindling so she did the one thing she could think of. She kneed him as hard as she could in the groin and then took off running for the door. There was a moment of empowered euphoria when a spell didn't hit her in the back as she feared it would before something heavy clamored into her and she hit the ground with the weight of a full grown man on top of her.

"You haven't even heard the worst part yet." He snarled pushing her face into floor and twisting her arm behind her back to keep her in place. "I tried to think of a way out of writing that list for months. Matis had said that it would just be to scare the students a little- just enough to make them think twice about dirtying their blood, but I also thought Matis was dead at their hands… I was so worried that I took too long and they came for my sisters at Christmas. Again the message was the same- finish…the…mission."

As if to enunciate his words he jerked her shoulder so violently that is dislodged from its socket. Blackness blotted her vision as she howled in pain, thrashing underneath him.

"Are you ready for the worst part yet?" He snarled against her ear yanking her neck up at an odd angle. "I finished the damn mission. It was the same day we saw Matis in Hogsmeade. I thought he was there to offer some more repercussions that the Death Eaters are so fond of and I panicked… I'd written that list a hundred times. I didn't want to put your name on it. We were friends, but I was petrified what would happen to my sisters if they found out I'd left you off it on purpose."

"You should have done it." She bit out angrily. "I would have rather had my name on that list than Kat."

He slammed her head against the floor in retaliation. "Don't you remember, Lovely? You told me that it was never going to happen. You told me that James and Sirius were more than friends. They were brothers."

"So that's it?" She bucked backwards, ramming the back of her head into his face and managing to dislodge him despite the pain in her head and shoulder. "The worst part is that I decided to announce my relationship with James in front of the entire school and get you in trouble with your Death Eater mates?"

He grabbed his nose that streamed crimson rivets down his face and kicked her as hard as he could in the stomach. As she rolled away in blinding pain he yelled the horrible truth down at her. "The list was never the mission! It had always been to kill you. Matis never even got around to telling them about my little attempt at a reprieve before they started in on him… The night we went to that party in Hufflepuff I remember feeling so happy, so relieved. It was over. I'd finished my fucking mission and I was so sure that my sisters would be returned…"

"You got called away." She remembered out loud before coughing bloody mucus onto the floor beside her head.

"There was an urgent letter waiting for me in my dorm." Callum's voice cracked as he turned away from her. His hands clenched the back of the couch. "It was from my dad. My oldest sister was dead. There was note with the body they returned. It said that she'd died painlessly for the contributions I'd made, but unless I completed what I'd been tasked with the others deaths would not be so quick."

"No…reason." She wheezed as a sharp pain protruded against her lungs with ever shallow breath. There had been no reason for Kat to die. It was supposed to be her all along. And she was going to die anyways now. It was all for nothing. "Why not kill me with magic? It'd be…easier."

Callum dragged her roughly to her feet, but her body wasn't cooperating and her ankle rolled with a crack. His grip on the neck of her gown remained secure. "I'm not going down for this, Lovely. Magic is traceable. The way I figure it, this is my last chance to save my sisters. I'd planned on waiting until you got back tomorrow morning and staging an accident… You're weak. Anyone who's seen you in the last few weeks would believe that you collapsed and fell down a flight of stairs. James won't be back from his little slumber party for hours. I might actually be able to pull something believable together."

"Your sisters would be ashamed of you." She spit in his face as she made one last ditch effort to lunge away from him. "You're a coward!"

She never even broke free of his hold as he used the leverage of her nightgown to sling her backwards into the bookshelf that lined the wall.

"I'm being smart." He corrected, straightening his Ravenclaw robes. "Anyone not completely dim will end up doing the same. At the end of this I want to be on the winning side and the way I look at it that looks like the Death Eaters right about now. Survival of the fittest."

"You're wrong." She braced herself on the bookshelf. "You must not be as smart as you think because at the end of this we're going to win."

He didn't bother to hide his snort of disbelief. "Oh and you're going to destroy Voldemort?"

"Maybe not." She smiled at him then, even though she was sure her mouth was bloody. She couldn't help it though. "But I plan on doing everything in my power to get in his way."

He realized that something had changed in her a moment too late and just as he reached out to yank her away from the bookshelf she'd grabbed the muggle cookbook along with several other volumes and went spinning past his fingertips.

She couldn't remember if she'd ever shared with him the secret passageway that led from her dorm to the kitchens, but she didn't stick around to find out. Her limping jog was further hindered by the dizzying sway of her vision, but she kept her mind focused. She had to get to Headmaster Dumbledore.

It had been Callum Palmer all along. He had been her friend, crush, confidante, and Death Eater. Callum had let her cry on his shoulder. He'd flirted with her, kissed her, shared secrets.

He had spared her and come back for her.

It had been right in front of her face. It had been him all along.

0000000

Author's Note: The end is near my friends… Just one more chapter (unless I split into two which is always a possibility) then an epilogue and LAOT is FINISHED.

If you didn't catch onto the last vision I should specify that it is something to do with the follow up story Memoirs of a Bad Girl which I hope everyone decides to check out.

I sincerely hope that you weren't disappointed with the conclusion of the sinister arc. I hope you were surprised, but still allowed to your 'ah hah!' moment when it all made sense.

BEHIND THE SCENES

[HINT] There is only one person throughout LAOT that absolutely one hundred percent would have known the connections to make between each Muggleborn and Pureblood. As Lily proved, Crouch COULD have known about each, but in the end Lily's desire for her to be the 'bad guy' overshadows the truth…. PRIMROSE and JOSHUA- Lily meets the young couple while she is actually with Callum on their date to Hogsmeade in the carriage. CAMILLE and ASHBY- Callum is a prefect and finds out about the supposed relationship at the exact same time Lily does in the meeting. Lily and Callum actually have a conversation afterwards so there is no doubt that he was present. PORTER and VIOLA- there is only one time we meet Viola in the story and that is when she interrupts Callum and Lily's conversation outside the DADA classroom. Later Lily finds out from Porter that his relationship with Viola had been very secretive and that not even his dorm mates knew about it. However when Lily makes a comment about a romantic entanglement between Viola and Callum, he replies "Viola Singh? She's my potions' partner and I very much doubt her boyfriend would like it otherwise." So Callum admits to directly knowing about their relationship. KAT and REMUS- Lily tells Callum about their blooming relationship when she is nervous and trying to make small talk before the Christmas Ball.

[CANNON] Callum sarcastically remarks that Lily thinks she will be the one to destroy Voldemort. Lily replies "Maybe not. But I plan on doing everything in my power to get in his way." While Lily isn't the one to actually kill Voldemort, she most certainly does get in his way. This could be taking literally and metaphorically since she physically stands in Voldemort's way when he tries to get to Harry in his crib and in doing so gives the Wizarding World 13 years of peace.

[VILLAIN] Callum Palmer has always been the villain of the story. From the very first time Lily meets him and he is reading a letter with a strange insignia on it, and I needed him to stay relevant even when he was dismissed completely as a love interest for Lily. My first idea was to pair him off with Piper, but that seemed like the easy way out and I don't necessarily believe in keeping all characters tied with love interests. In the end I concocted the plan of Callum becoming a confidant for Lily when no one else knows about her affair with James. What was so ironic about it is that after posting the few chapters where Piper and Callum interact is that some reviewers were actually encouraging them as a couple. I have to admit that once I'd written them interacting that even I kind of found them charming (I have a secret weakness for unconventional couples).

[HINT] Lily makes note on several different occasions that the Ravenclaws have DADA right before the Gryffindors which is when Lily eventually finds the list.

[CANNONS] I really REALLY liked the idea of showing Harry's personality traits in James and Lily. Harry always had the quickest instincts, but it wasn't exactly well toned. I wanted to see that in Lily. She's quick to catch onto to Crouch's secret, but lets her dislike cloud her mind later in the story as we often saw Harry do. I was really happy to see reviewers pick up on this.

[VILLAINS] Crouch was my very obvious red herring. She was up to somethingand Lily was on to her almost instantly. I ended up writing it in a very 'in-your-face-way' and even though I'd intended it that way I found it unsatisfying. Obviously she wasn't my 'real' bad guy, but at least she was still horrible enough to be hated. And even though I'd never had any intention of filling this void for a less palpable decoy Piper Prescott began to take on this role. Piper wasn't even supposed to make it into the second half of the story, but I began to realize that by Callum throwing suspicion on her then it made him appear like an ally and made her look guiltier and guiltier. Plus Lily had difficulty reading her from the beginning so it wasn't that far of a stretch.

Unlike with Peter, Remus, Sirius, and James when Lily goes through Snape's death she doesn't hear his last thoughts, only his last words. She never actually heard his last thoughts during the Divination Seminar.

[ORIGINAL CHARACTER] Piper Prescott is loosely based off a girl I knew in high school. The one major characteristic they share is the specific ability to say really insulting things in a polite way. However, I ended up liking Piper a lot more than her counterpart. Piper's behavior comes from a place of honesty. The girl I knew in high school was just a bitch.

[HINT] Clues to Lily and Harvey's deeper connection can be found as early as Chapter 4: The Men of Diagon Alley when Lily is sad and worn down and Harvey is sick as well.

[VILLAIN] Lily became my biggest ally when covering up Callum's continuously shady motives. She sees all the clues- the letter he's reading when she first sits with him that he shoves nervously into his bag, his uncomfortable behavior when she mentions the letter on their date, his excuse that they all have 'stuff,' the fact that he recognized Matis MacMillan (a known Death Eater), the distance he tries to put between them, his unease when Lily questions why he didn't go home for Easter and mentions his sisters, and his deteriorating appearance after Christmas. She is always the first one to make an excuse for him- a possible secret lover that he doesn't want her to see, offense that she couldn't believe he would be 'racy' enough to have an affair, believing that he'd remember Matis from Hogwarts even though she was also there and has no recollection of the older student, thinking he didn't want to be friends anymore because she'd told him the lust driven kiss didn't mean anything, excusing his uncomfortable behavior at the mention of his sisters as embarrassment of a particular family story, and constantly comparing his weight loss and other outward signs of stress to the rest of the students dealing with the war.