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Chapter Five: Catch Me As I Fall

He spent the last hour in his room brooding over the very real dream he had last night. So convinced that the vision of Shepard in front of him was so tangible that he woke up mumbling her name. And he had been pouting in silence ever since. And it wasn't even about the fact that he had a life-like dream about his commanding officer that bothered him -and as a turian, it most definitely should. It was the concept of being accepted that was the cause of his moodiness. If what happened in his cabin was a dream, if it wasn't real, then it meant that Shepard hadn't come searching for him and that she hadn't confirmed her attraction to him.

None of it was true.

He first realized he had been dreaming when he picked up the smell of his nitro solvent instead the fragrance of Shepard's hair. By then, he already knew it was just a dream but he was still hesitant to open his eyes and actually confirm it. Eventually, he forced them open with bitter cooperation, where he caught sight of his sniper rifle. It was still positioned across his desk, just as he remembered leaving it before he fell asleep. His oils remained uncapped and the handkerchief he was using hadn't been thrown in the waste basket beside the desk as it normally would have been.

He was an utter fool for believing-if even for a second- that it was real.

I think I'm part korgan.

Spirits, why couldn't he get those words out of his head? He knew she was referring to the joke he cracked when he finally woke up from the missile hitting his face. He could still remember the panic he felt upon opening his eyes. And a small chuckle vibrated his chest as he recalled the surprised look on Chakwas's face as she hovered over him, patching up the wound along the side of his face.

I knew it. Your stubborn turian rump is just too damn hard to kill, Garrus. Just how many lives do you have in there? She asked while tapping her knuckles against the cavity of his chest.

His first words then had been her name. Seeing the human doctor who accompanied Shepard on the first Normandy had been comforting, but he needed to see her face. He had to confirm with the utmost certainty that he hadn't been dreaming. That she had come to save him. That he currently wasn't dying and that his soul had not found the spirits of the original Normandy and the commander who had fallen with it. That N7 insignia he had seen through his scope, it was too real.

Shepard. Where's Shepard?

Up one floor, past the armory and then to the right.

And when he found her, she was all he saw. The man she was exchanging words with had been the very least of his concerns. She was there, standing right in front of him. Alive. And the first thing he could think to say, was a confirmation. He had to know that he had survived the rocket slapping him in the face. And she seemed to pick up on his desperation, turning her stone face into a smirk. You were always ugly, Garrus. He could hear the playfulness in her voice.

Her attack on his sense of humor worked. She confirmed that she was alive. That, yes, so was he. All it took was for her was to show him that smile and he knew he hadn't been imagining all of this. Falling back onto their old routine, he returned the witty banter with a joke about female krogans. Some women find facial scars attractive; mind you, most of those women are krogan.

It had been just a joke at the time, but Shepard managed to morph it into something much more serious.

More importantly, how was he to take it now? Was he supposed to consider her words, or did he take into consideration that she was also under the influence? If so, then what exactly was the meaning of the kiss they shared? There was no denying his enjoyment of the act. And it was very obvious that his then-partner had been more than satisfied. If she remembered, would their dynamics change?

What exactly did that mean for him?

Thinking on it, he easily knew it wasn't something he minded. Shepard was the only person he trusted. And for whatever reason, when he thought of her, her humanity never got in the way. The smell of her hair, the taste of her lips, the texture of her tongue, and the sweet spice of her arousal drove him mad. But now he knew of their existence, he wasn't sure if he wanted their absence. He wasn't sure if he'd be OK in allowing another male to indulge in them as he had.

Garrus sat up in bed. There was no point in dwelling. His questions will forever remain unanswered unless he took that step to clarify them. But there was hesitation in his resolve, and Archangel never hesitated. A trigger was a pulled where a bullet was deserved; no questions asked. But here, he was faced with the options of uncertainty but stability or stability with uncertainty; did he confront her about the lingering thoughts in his head and risk their bond, or was he to suffer with the thoughts so long as he knew their bond would remain intact?

This was a grey area, wasn't it?

He growled annoyed. There was so much confusion here that he didn't know how to handle it. So, he decided to go and do the one thing he knew how; Garrus headed up to the main battery in hopes that some calibrations would help get his mind off things.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x

As soon as she was able, Shepard returned to her post. In the time she had been battling the poison, the Thanix cannons were fully installed and there was enough platinum left over to to upgrade the kinetic barriers as well. With the time the Normandy crew lost while waiting for their commander to recover, this was good news. It made the incident worth it.

She still couldn't quite face Miranda yet, knowing that the woman was willing to withhold the information from everyone. The brunette knew there were monsters down there, knew all about the death and violence that had occurred, and she had little conscience to tell anyone, to try and fix it. Shepard was generally a forgiving person, but she was finding it impossible to see Miranda as anything but-what had Jack referred to her as?-a cold hearted Cerberus princess.

It was a bleak reality, being resurrected from death just to serve someone. To save a galaxy that didn't want to try and save themselves. When thoughts like that crept to her mind, she would seek out Dr. Chakwas. Speaking to the older woman was therapeutic for her. The doctor helped remind her that there were people who loved her, and were happy to have her back. But she missed Anderson. That man, the only father figure she had, risked his entire military career for her. If anyone believed in her, it was him. She missed his voice. And if anyone deserved to see her now that she was back, it was him.

Guilt stabbed her heart. The man sent her an e-mail, asking to speak with her. But the last time she was on the citadel to help out Garrus, she purposely avoided seeing him and told Bailey that she didn't want anyone to know about her reappearance. He agreed with hesitation, managing to squeeze out a sentence about Anderson.

She wasn't ready to face him. She wasn't ready to face anything that belonged in her past. How cruel was fate intending to be to her? She already died, she already saved the galaxy. Why was she brought back? To dangle life in front of her, but to take it away just as quick with the threat of the collectors. Was it so wrong of her to crave a life as normal as those she was trying to save? Love, happiness, friendship. Instead, she was face with betrayal and tiny stolen moments of happiness that she felt she needed to hide or else they would be taken from her.

There wasn't a single thing in her life that didn't come with a price.

She was living, but didn't feel alive. She felt like a puppet.

When things with Garrus started to trail off the path of friendship, there was jolt in her heart that made her want to forget everything and pursue that feeling again. Whenever she was with him, her heart raced. She was conscious. Aware of the warmth he provided her, she was receptive to him. And her body was more than ready to accept him. But she was weary of how she felt around him. As if there was a barrier surrounding him, and whenever she was near him, that barrier protected her as well. He offered her security. The last time she found safety in the arms of the opposite sex, she fell in love and lost it before it could grow.

Was her life just a repeat of the same thing? Her first fall had been broken by a thresher maw. The second time, a reaper tore her chance apart. And here she was again, those same feelings beginning to stir just as the threat of the collectors lingered in the future. She could die again. If she were to chase this small hint of happiness, it was cursed to follow the same destructive path as the others?

But Garrus was special. He wasn't human. He was stronger, more durable. He was too hard to kill.

Thinking of the turian turned her face red. Especially considering what happened the last time she saw him. Shepard remembered everything. She made herself a fool that night, driven by her more primal instincts. How could she have allowed herself to kiss him? And he...

Her fingertips pressed softly against her lips, remembering the thrill that overtook her when their tongues met.

And he was reciprocal. To everything. To every touch, to every breath, to every whispered word. He responded to her. Shepard could still hear the sound of his rough growls that made the heat in her abdomen grow even hotter.

She groaned out loud and shoved a pillow over her face, letting herself drown in embarrassment.

And his voice. God damned that voice!

Her thighs trembled at the memory of his arousal against her own.

What on Earth was she thinking!

Despite her pressing forward, he stopped her. And he was right after all, Shepard couldn't have been any more grateful toward him for that. It must have been so difficult for him. Hell, it was difficult for her to accept his denial regardless of his good intentions. She couldn't imagine it would be easy for any male to deny himself a woman who was clearly up for the act. But he yielded to his respect for her, which spoke louder than any words she had ever heard before.

Maybe that was it? Could the answer really be that simple? Maybe what she felt for Garrus, was strictly physical. She would keep it physical. Garrus had been the only one to help her feel alive, and that was with the little moments they shared. What could he make her feel beyond that?

She trusted the turian with her life, with more than just her life. He had the power to destroy her. And he respected her. They were both obviously needing some type of stress relief. Surely there was a way they could help each other out? Their friendship was strong enough to withstand a step like that without taking damage, wasn't it?

And with them being different species, it would save them any trouble of emotional attachment. Maybe that was arrogant thinking, but she had never been emotionally involved with any male outside the human race before, so why would it change now? There sure as hell wasn't anyone else aboard the ship she'd want to share such an intimate moment with, human or not. There was no one else she trusted enough.

He'd been with her from day one. The moment her life become more than just another solider in the Alliance, Garrus had been at her side. When everyone disbelieved her, he stood there strong and proud. If he was willing to support her then, surely a situation like this wouldn't be any different.

When Shepard found the turian later on in the day, her first intention was to apologize for her behavior and to thank him for stopping her when he had. But as their conversation progressed, he had given her an opening and she took it. For the most part, he was oblivious to her intentions, forcing her to spell it out for him. His density broke with a line she spoke that got his mandibles quivering.

We could test your reach... and my flexibility.

With that, the deal was sealed. He fumbled with his response, but he agreed with little reluctance, if not, just wanting time to do some research to figure out how it would work between them. But he concurred on his own with no push needed, no convincing. Had he been thinking the same thing?

And for Garrus, he couldn't have been more relieved. The confusion had stopped swirling in his head and he could finally think straight. For the most part, his questions had been answered with her proposition. While some seemed to still whisper to him, he knew now that whatever was happening between them, Shepard felt it too.

With that small agreement between them, there was no hiding the sudden change in their dynamics. Especially when they departed the Normandy to recruit the assassin. Kasumi asked to come along this time, unable to sit still. It became an axiom that the shuttles were always reserved for Shepard and Garrus plus one.

Hearing Liara's name when they first docked on Illium brought him a good feeling. She was out there and had eyes on Shepard as well. And once they saw the young asari, it was like there hadn't been a two year absence between the party. It was obvious that things had changed around the asari. Her time spent with Shepard had matured her. The air around Liara was no longer naive and innocent but mature and very capable. And he could tell she was genuinely happy to see Shepard.

The room was filled with secured recollection, both parties elated with either's presence. Shepard especially. He could tell by the way she hugged Liara that the woman couldn't have been happier.

I've lost everyone...

Her words echoed in his head, and Garrus smiled to himself.

Not everyone, Shepard.

At the end of it all, Shepard asked Liara to join her. He couldn't blame the commander, aside from the doctor, Joker, and himself there weren't any familiar faces left on the Normandy. But he already knew the answer, and as Liara explained her rejection, he could have sworn there was a look on the asari's face that he could read clear as day, You better watch out for her. The narrowing of her eyes, the tightness of her lips. He knew then that she meant beyond the battlefield.

As surprised as he was, he managed to remain passive. He squared his shoulders and leaned against the door frame as it remained opened. You don't have to tell me.

The day had begun the first stages of nightfall. With some help from the locals, they managed to reach the towers just before the sun met with the horizon. And not a minute after setting foot on ground, they were already engaging in a gunfight with the security mechs. Thankfully, the adrenaline was enough to keep him awake until he realized that it was because of the adrenaline that he was even still awake.

The further they ventured into the towers, the denser the guards grew in numbers. He, Kasumi and Shepard plowed through them with relatively no hardships. But there was one particular moment he had shared with the red head that definitely confirmed that things between them were shifting. Where one of the guards had thrown a flash grenade at them, and Shepard had been in the middle of releasing a heat sink to notice the tiny bomb. Garrus reached over and tucked Shepard's head beneath his chin to shield her eyes from the blast. The commander had caught on quickly, and she simultaneously lifted a hand to shield his eyes and turned his head away from the flash as well.

Protect and protected.

It all happened within seconds, but they read each other's movements like a book. A new language between them started to develop. The glances they shared were a second longer than necessary, touches lingered long enough to emit warmth. He had to admit that he had never met anyone who could match him move for move. Someone who he could read. Nod his head to the left, and she stepped away to the left without second guessing. She glanced to a room, and he'd secure it.

When they finally caught up to the assassin, Garrus grew concerned with how Shepard played mind games with the assassin's target, Nassana. Baiting the female's life with mind games, knowing that in the end, she wasn't going to live to see the sunrise. He knew she wasn't being serious when the two began negotiating money, but he knew the commander was enjoying it in a sadistic sense. He didn't get much amusement out of it, but he wasn't about to put on a display of insubordination in front of a potential crew mate, it would make Shepard look bad.

They boarded the Normandy in silence.

His lack of sleep was finally taking its tow on Garrus, and it was his sheer willpower that kept him from knocking out right where he stood. Shepard had dismissed the landing party as soon as they stepped foot in the CIC. She announced that they were going to remain docked through the night so they could leave to recruit the justicar the following earth day. She had paperwork to go through and had to get the new recruit situated. Garrus didn't object, he hadn't said anything but gave a small nod in acknowledgement before heading straight to the elevator along with Kasumi.

Upon entering his cabin, he found himself restless again. He knew he needed to sleep, but what happened back with Nassana troubled him. It wasn't like Shepard to play with people like that. She taught him better back with Dr. Heart. He paced in his room for hours. Took a shower, polished his armor. By the time his impatience took over, he left his cabin with a straight path up to the commander's cabin where he knew she would be.

No one stopped him, no one saw him. There was no pause in between floors as he skipped passed the crew's quarters and the CIC. The doors parted for him, the bell rang the cabin's arrival. He hesitated only a second before he found himself knocking on her doors. He was struck with the breif memory of how he found Shepard last time he came knocking on her door. He shook the image of it away, tapping his knuckles against the door harder.

They quietly hissed open for him and he entered with silence, finding the woman in question sitting on her chair in front of her desktop staring at the screen. She sat with her right knee bent to her chest, the foot resting at an angle along the front edge of the chair. Her left foot sat still on the floor. She had black socks on this time. There was an elbow propped onto the desk with her forearm resting horizontally across the desk. He couldn't see her right hand.

He sensed something was off when she hadn't turned around to greet him. With a quick sniff of the air, he could smell the salt in her tears and his mandibles lowered themselves against his mouth. Garrus was at a loss of what to say.

He took a step forward, his boot clinking against the floor. She suddenly moved then, as if someone had turned the lights on in a dark room. The arm that had been resting on her desk lowered, and she brought a hand up to wipe away at her face. She turned around quickly after that, "Garrus," She started, surprise in her voice as if she really didn't hear him come in. The woman forced a smile after a sniffle, "Is there something you need?" Her foot resting on the chair flattened to the floor as she stood up to face him.

He looked around her room at that question, considering the option of ignoring the reason for her tears; maybe it was something she didn't want to talk about. But as he took in her room, his eyes scanned across the screen and he noticed the blinking text of an unread e-mail. He cleared his throat, "I was worried," He admitted, lifting a hand to scratch behind his fringe, "Is... Is everything ok, Shepard?" He hesitated, "I mean, what happened back there with Nassana?"

She looked confused for a second before realization settled over her features, "You don't..." Her gaze turned into one of question, her lips forming the next words even though she hesitated to say them, "You don't think I was really going to take her offer, do you?" Her green eyes narrowed at him skeptically.

His surprise in her words forced him to take a step away from her, "What? Of course not, Shepard!" He defended, his voice spoke more though; how could you say that?

She looked away shamefully after that, sitting back down quietly. She was silent for a moment before shaking her head and bringing her gaze back to look at the turian in front of her, "I'm sorry," She apologized, rubbing her temple, "I know you wouldn't think that of me, Garrus. I'm sorry."

He crossed his arms over his chest, his blue eyes piercing her to the floor, "What's wrong?"

Almost immediately, he could see the tears building in her eyes. She inhaled through her nostrils heavily, turning her attention shortly to the glowing screen behind her before averting them to the floor, "It's Kaiden," She admitted softly, "He sent me an e-mail... about what happened on Horizon."

His mandibles tightened to his mouth, unsure of how he felt with mentioning of the human male's name, "Are you guys ok?"

Her eyes shot up to him, anger over the event still fresh in her eyes, "Of course not!" She snapped, standing up again to brush past him.

He stared at the screen, allowing himself to be nosy and read the title of the e-mail. There was something boiling in his blood, something he couldn't understand and he had to force it away. Garrus turned around to face her back as she watched the empty fish tank, "You haven't read it."

It wasn't a question.

Her head turned slightly to look at the desktop from over her shoulder, "...No."

"Why not?"

"Why should I?" There was a hint of disdain in her voice.

He shrugged, "Maybe it's an apology."

He listened as she inhaled again, he could almost see her nostrils flaring. Watched as she turned away from the empty tank to take a seat on her couch. She sat forward, bringing both her elbows up to her knees and covered her face with both of her hands, "That's why I don't want to read it," She grumbled through the palms of her hands.

Garrus chuckled, "In time then," He said with a hint of laughter in his voice at her antics. He moved to lean against the support column of her display case that was beside the steps leading to her loft.

There was silence as he watched his commanding officer.

After a moment or two, Shepard lowered her hands away from her face to look at him, "You get any sleep?"

He silently shook his head.

"How long?"

The stubborn turian looked away, standing straight up, "Not long."

He saw the smile turn on her lips form a frown, "Garrus." She warned.

"I don't know, Shepard. More than 42 hours?"

"Garrus!" She scolded him, "Why?"

He shrugged, "I haven't been tired." It was a lie. But even with the spoken agreement between them, it wasn't as if he could have admitted that it was the lack of her presence around him that kept him awake. It was clear that what was between so far had been strictly physical on her part, and he didn't want to scare her away by saying something as strong as that, "And quite frankly, I've been more concerned about you."

"Me?" She echoed, amusement in her voice, "Why is that?"

"You haven't been the same."

Whatever coaxed humor into her at his words died when those words slipped out of his mouth. Her lips tightened into a small frown and she narrowed her eyes at him, "Meaning?"

He closed his eyes, shaking his head with a heavy sigh, "Do you remember what you taught me back with Dr. Heart?"

His hawk eyes caught her swallowing a knot down, and he knew with that reaction he had hit a spot she was determined to leave untouched. He saw her fists tighten up as she looked away from him to favor the floor once more.

"No." She said sharply. Her tone meant to end the conversation there.

Garrus had other plans. He wasn't known to be a rebel by obeying. His mandibles pulled into a frown of his own, "You do." He countered evenly.

Her jaw clenched.

"And you know exactly what I'm talking about, Shepard."

Her head bowed, her fists were shaking with bottled anger. Knuckles an angry white as her fist tightened even more so.

"Shepard, what's-"

"Why are you here, Garrus?!" She snapped at him, pushing her body to stand, and determined to change to subject. Her emerald eyes were an angry shade darker. If she were a krogan, he'd of been head butted by now. He'd be on the floor with a bleeding and probably broken nose.

But he didn't back down. The turian squared his shoulders and braved a step closer, never taking his eyes away from her. He had the ferocity of an angel protecting a loved one when he spoke, "Tell me to go, and I will."

Almost immediately, the angry flames behind her eyes sizzled out and she bit back a sob behind pinched lips. He watched as her eyes began to fill with tears, how the muscles in her neck tightened as she held back the cries until finally, she broke. She tumbled to her knees with a single sob.

Garrus watched her fall, and he elongated his strides to catch her before she could hit the floor.

Shepard hated this. It didn't matter how strong of a front she put up, he always saw through it. Why couldn't he just be as dense as everyone else on the ship? Why did he have to be Archangel! Why was he here? Out of everyone in the damn galaxy, it was he she found first. Her fingers curled up into a strong fist and she threw it at Garrus, hitting him on his shoulder as hard as her body allowed.

The anger boiled up again, his grunt was muffled by the thrumming in her ears. She pulled her hand back and struck him once more. She pushed him away from her, but his arms collapsed around her waist and he held onto her tightly as she struggled.

Despite her violence, he knew she needed him to stay. Damned the bruises he'll have in the morning from her hits, but she never told him to leave. Never screamed for him to let her go. Never asked him not to touch her. He knew, because while her right fist was throwing everything she had at him, her left was desperately clinging to his shirt. Don't let me go.

He couldn't fathom how she planned to handle all of this on her own. He was sure she would have lost her mind if she hadn't found someone to lean against. He couldn't help but think back to Omega, to how perfect her timing was. A moment later, and he'd have been dead. And she would have been alone. There was a weak whisper in his mind that wondered why Cerberus had been interested in someone like Archangel, but he didn't think too much on it. For whatever reason they had, it brought him back to Shepard and that's all her cared about.

He wasn't sure how long the episode lasted, but her cries were eventually silenced as he ran his fingers through her hair. Her head was resting on top his shoulder, and he wasn't sure how it happened, but Shepard had ended up in his lap with his arms wrapped around her bridal style. He purred for her like she requested back when this all started. Reminds me of Earth.

Her breathing evened out, and she was now tracing absent circles along the edge of his bandage that covered his scars. He tightened his hold around her, and she returned the embrace, burrowing her head into the curve of his neck. He took the opportunity to breathe in the scent of her hair. He heard her sigh, her breath running across the front of his neck when she whispered, "I'll never have a life of my own to save, will I?"

He pulled back from the embrace to look at her, "Is that was this is all about?"

Shepard looked away slowly, she clenched her eyes shut and shook her head in confusion, "I don't know anymore."

"Tell me," He whispered in her ear, "Please."

The tone of his voice awoke something inside her, something that warmed the pits of her belly. She curled her toes to numb that feeling and pulled away from him just enough to stare into his eyes, "I don't know," She answered truthfully, her voice was void of emotion, "I remember things..." She started, her hand closed over her heart and she closed her eyes to force the memory away, "Things that hurt," She finished softly, an image of Kaiden from the original Normandy flashed in her head. There were lockers behind him. They were about to kiss but that's where the memory ended. "Then... Then I remember my head feeling like it's being squashed. My lungs drying up. My skin burning. Then there was silence. Rest. The pain went away. I was numb, and free. Like I was closing my eyes to sleep, but then I woke up here."

His mandibles lowered as he listened to her, and he lifted his hand to cover the one she had over her heart, as if it would help her hurt less somehow, "Shepard," his fingers tightened around her hand, "That was death."

"It was peaceful, Garrus."

If turians could cry, he was sure the tightness in his chest at her words were it. He pulled her closer to him and deepened his purr to offer more comfort. It was the only thing he could do for her.