We're Never Done With Killing Time Chapter 31: You Are All I Can't Replace, a rookie blue fanfic

A/N: This is a sad one. You've been warned...

"Come by fire, come by rain, come by boat, or come by plane. You are all I can't replace; how I long to see you again. You left by water, left by flame, left me crying in the rain. Oh it's not your fault, honey-just tell me that I'll be seeing you again, just tell me I'll be seeing you again."

Gail's eyes burned as they blinked open and were met with the red glow of the window. Sunrise. It was early. She reached over with her left hand and grabbed at the glass of water. She couldn't sit up because Holly was, well, allover. Gail dribbled a little as she took eager gulps before returning the glass to the nightstand. She wiped at her chin and reached for her watch. 5:45. She rolled her eyes and went quickly back to sleep.

Gail groaned and rolled onto her stomach, burring her face in the pillow, "what. The. Hell, Holly?"

Holly made her way from the curtains she had just ripped open towards the bed and pulled the covers away from Gail. "Rise and shine, sleepyhead," Holly smiled cheerily, "it's seven."

Gail glared at her for a measured amount of time. There were less brutal ways to wake a person. "Wait, why are you dressed like that?" Gail bounced her head towards Holly who stood in front of her in a t-shirt, running shorts, and sneakers. "I'm not going with you," Gail thew her head back onto the pillow.

Holly laughed and poked Gail in the ribs, "I already went with Summer. You weren't invited."

Gail sat up again and raised her left eyebrow. She looked over at the closed bedroom door and then back at Holly, finally noticed her shirt was already sweat stained and her forehead was glistening, "Summer went on a run with you? Before seven in the morning?"

Holly shrugged, "she got me up at six. It wasn't super long. Mom and dad are taking Gramp Ed over to the hospital in like half an hour. Mom gave Evan her keys and he said we're leaving at 'eight o'clock, on the button,'" her tone was slightly mocking when she imitated her brother.

Gail swung her legs over the sides of the bed and rubbed her eyes, "wait a second. She got you up at six?"

"Yeah, so?" Holly had moved to her suitcase and was rummaging through it.

Gail finally stood and said, "because like seven hours ago she was three sheets to the wind."

"What?! Holly stood up abruptly clutching a clean shirt and a pair of khakis.

Gail nodded and raised her eyebrows, "when I went downstairs to get some water last night she was getting cozy with one of your grandparents' hundred and seventy-five dollar bottles of wine."

Holly paused before asking, "well did she at least share?" Holly sighed and slumped her shoulders slightly while dropping the clothes she was holding onto the top of her suitcase.

"She kinda forced a glass on me," Gail shrugged.

Holly rolled her eyes, "what a weirdo. I'm gonna go grab a shower real quick," and turned towards the door.

"Cool," Gail said as she flopped back onto the bed.

"Praise the lord!" Summer rolled out of the car and dropped to the ground, pretending to kiss the pavement.

Gail stepped out of the car and looked at Holly over the roof of the sedan. Gail's eyes popped wide and she mouthed, 'drama queen.' Holly chuckled.

When she fell in step with Gail, Holly whispered, "maybe she is more hungover than I initially noticed."

Summer whipped her head around, her eyes hidden by her aviator sunglasses, "I heard that."

Gail shook her head, "those sulfites are a killer."

When they entered the hospital Gail and Holly went off in search of a decent cup of coffee while Evan headed toward the waiting room and Summer went wherever Summer goes.

"Wanna bite?" Gail asked through a full mouth, raising her doughnut up in Holly's general direction. She shook her head 'no.' Gail made a 'well okay' face and took another bite herself.

Holly crossed her arms in front of her chest as she walked and hesitated before asking, "do you-are you working tomorrow?" Her voice was soft and inquisitive, but shy.

Gail just shook her head as if it was nothing and huffed, "nah, took it off," as she fought to chomp down on an extra large bite of doughnut. Holly let out a breath she didn't know she was holding in as they sat down opposite Evan in the waiting room. He hung up his phone and looked at Holly, waiting for her to meet his eyes. When she finally did he spoke softy, "that was Aunt Karen. They just landed. They'll be here in less than an hour." Holly nodded her comprehension and Evan held her gaze for a few extra seconds, hoping she was getting the urgency of his message. Luckily for Holly, Summer strolled over to the group with another huge iced coffee. "Sup, Curly," she made eye contact with Evan before nodding at Holly, "Moe", and finally smiled at Gail, "Larry." Holly rolled her eyes at her younger sister while Gail just took a sip of her coffee.

Evan turned to Summer and draped his hands over the armrest of the chair in between them, letting his hands dangle over the seat, still clutching his phone. "Aunt Karen just called. They'll be back from the airport in less than an hour," his eyes were sad and sympathetic as if he was expecting a big and emotional reaction from her.

Summer wasn't having any of it. Evan could take his violin elsewhere. She looked him straight in the eye and said, "nifty," as she took a sip from her straw.

Evan let it slide and decided to change the subject, "anyone know where mom is? I'm assuming dad's with Gramp Ed."

He got three different versions of 'no.' Summer turned away from him and procured a deck of cards from her bag. "Texas hold 'em anyone?" Summer dangled the deck of cards and wagged her eyebrows.

Gail shoved the rest of her doughnut in her mouth and said, "I'm in," while brushing her hands off on each other. Something to do that was better than pub trivia.

"Why not?" Evan reasoned he was bored as hell and not going anywhere for a while.

Holly shook her head and stayed in her seat while the other three shuffled their chairs around. While the game started Holly just gazed off at the doors that lead to the ICU. She drummed her fingers on her knee. Holly looked up, brought back to the moment when she felt Gail's hand surround her restless fingers. Holly heard the clicking of her mother's shoes on the white linoleum as she spotted her father walking through the automatic doors.

"Holly."

She snapped her head around to face her mother, "mom."

"I need to speak with your dad, would you?" She nodded towards the hallway. It was stated as a question but Holly knew it wasn't one. She knew it was her mother's way of gently saying, 'get your sorry ass in to see your grandmother, you don't have forever you know.' Holly nodded. Her mother smiled her acceptance and turned to walk briskly towards her husband. Summer and Evan pretended not to notice the exchange that went on around them and feigned heightened interest in their game. Holly looked up at the ceiling for a moment until she felt Gail squeeze her hand gently. "Go on," Gail said quietly with a smile, "we're gonna start playing for money when our babysitter leaves," she closed with a wink. Holly smiled for such a short amount of time it almost looked like a spasm, but Gail saw it. She eyed Holly over her hand of cards as the brunette rose decisively from her chair and made her way across the waiting room and disappeared beyond the double doors.

Holly stood stalk still outside the glass doors. She was a doctor. She knew what it was like. Still, she took in all the tubes and wires and beeping machines as if they were all completely foreign. She took in her grandfather, hunched in a bedside chair. His white hair and pale blue oxford shirt blended in perfectly to the room. His gold watch glinted in the light as he rose from his seat. He looked older than she remembered. Holly took a deep breathe as the automatic door opened, allowing his exit. His slightly shrunken frame meant that he and Holly saw pretty much eye to eye. In his heyday he would have cleared six feet easily. He smiled briefly before saying, "sit a while, will you? Old man's gotta stretch his legs."

Holly blinked and nodded softly before he gave her upper arm a light squeeze and headed for the main waiting room. She watched him walk out the door and then turned her attention back towards her grandmother. Holly took a deep breath and approached the glass door. She paused for it to open and then took one quick step inside, allowing it close behind her. She wrung her hands together as her eyes darted around the room, "I'm kind of mad at you, you know." Holly didn't know where her voice had come from, it was barely a whisper. "You always said staying angry at someone you loved was the biggest waste there was, but I can't help myself. You didn't even let me say goodbye," Holly looked back towards the nurse's desk, embarrassed by her sudden quiet outburst. She looked back into the room and moved towards the chair. He had told her to sit; so she did. She rubbed her hands up and down her thighs a couple times as she continued to speak, "I remember when we first moved to Toronto. You visited all the time. I'd never say goodbye to you when you left though. I thought then you wouldn't leave. I thought that you couldn't leave if I didn't say goodbye. I think mom and dad kind of liked it though; I'd spend the next four or five hours waiting quietly by the phone for you to call to say you'd gotten home." Holly paused and leaned forward in her chair, propping her elbows up on her long legs. She took another deep breath, "when you took me grocery shopping and I'd wander off to find the candy or the cakes you'd always tell me, 'don't wander off, Holly Stewart. It'd break Gram's heart if I lost you.'" Holly finally leaned forward and put her hand in her grandmother's. It was mostly free except for the plastic pulse monitor on her index finger. "Well Gram, you wandered off. You wandered off so far, and it broke my heart."

Holly closed her eyes and rested head on her fist. "Well, actually, Gail kinda broke my heart first," she mumbled more casually. "I'm not really sure what to do," she sighed before a lengthy pause. "Well, I mean, I know what I'm going to do-I think-but I don't know if it's the right thing to do." She picked her head up off her hand and let it stand on it's own accord, "I'm scared I guess. I wish I could love like you, Gram. You were always so sure, so unafraid." Holly closed her eyes for a moment, "I remember the time when I was like four? I asked you why the two guys in the grocery store were holding hands. You didn't even bat an eye. You just said, 'because they love each other. People are supposed to love each other Holly, and anything else in life is just a waste.'"

Holly was silent for a couple minutes.

"You always said staying mad at someone you loved was the biggest waste of all in life." Holly let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding in, "but what if I did stay mad at you a little, but it meant that I didn't miss you so much so soon? Would that be a waste, Gram?"

Holly looked around the room, at the machines, at the monitors. She knew what each tube was for, what each liquid was, what each monitor was saying, she knew what each number meant. "Can you even hear me?" Holly laughed at herself. "I don't really even know what I believe anymore..." she trailed off.

"I'm sorry I didn't come in sooner, I just...I was too late anyways." Holly looked around and bit her lip, "I know Summer hasn't been in either. She keeps disappearing." Holly sighed, "I think she thinks she can't be as sad because she never lived here, because she didn't know you as long. You'd tell her that's bullshit. You're always right. She knew you all her life too. You came to almost all her meets, all her games. She looked for you. She looked for you in the stands. She'd spot you and then notice me. When I was there that is," Holly paused for another moment. "She's going to be sad you won't be there at her last senior meet. When her family gives her flowers and stuff in that ceremony before it starts? She's probably not even thinking about it now. She'll be sad you won't be there. She'll probably be mad you were there for mine and not her's." Holly looked away, "'That's her right, dear.' That's what you'd say. Why'd you have to be such a saint, huh?" Holly asked jokingly, looking back at her grandmother's still face. "I'll go get her. She'll be okay."

Holly sighed and saw her grandfather and Uncle waiting at the nurse's station out of the corner of her eye. "I love you Gram, but you and I don't say goodbye. " Holly gave her Gram's hand a final squeeze and stood from the chair. She removed her fingers and turned to leave. Holly got about a foot from the door before she froze and turned around, "I do remember, just so you know. You and Gramp Ed took me to the hospital the day Ev was born. I wasn't a happy camper. God I was probably such a brat," Holly laughed lightly. "We were in mom's room and you said we could go down to the cafeteria to get some ice cream. I bolted out of the room. You thought I was halfway to the elevator when Gramp Ed said you should stay longer with Ev. You told him 'little Evander won't remember today, but Holly will,' and then we got soft serve. You were right; I remember, and I won't forget." Holly smiled sadly and spoke one last time, "stay out of the hot sun, Gram."

She turned and took a couple steps before waiting for the door to open for her exit. She put her hands in her back pockets and ducked her head slightly as she walked past her grandfather and uncle who were still standing at the nurse's station.

A/N: In other news, this was the 31st chapter?! What the...?! I honestly can't believe you guys are still hanging in there. THANK YOU! Special shout out to Mel, IrascibleFiddlehead & Ezri Dax for your super sweet and in depth comments on the last chapter :) Love to you all!