"Fool, I'm a fool to believe I can do without you to repair all the wreckage and ruin"
Gail rolled up her belt and placed it atop the shelf in her locker. She felt the slight smack of the police issued windbreaker graze across her backside. She twisted her neck to see Traci walking over to her own locker, "good work today, Gail," Traci called over her shoulder.
Gail offered a tight lipped smile, "my duty, my pleasure." Gail and her rookie had stopped a car on a seemingly routine traffic violation that morning. However, when they ran the man's driver's license it turned out he had multiple warrants out for his arrest. They brought him back to the station and he sang like a canary to avoid going to jail. He tipped them off to a gang's drug front that, among other things, was home to tens of illegal weapons and loads of ammunition. They made the bust just before the end of their shift.
Traci started working on her lock's combination, "so, Holly's coming home today, yeah?" Gail didn't look over but she knew Traci was giving her one of those looks, she could hear Traci smiling as she said it.
"Yup," Gail continued working at undoing the buttons on her uniform shirt.
Traci grabbed her bag out of her locker and replaced the lock, "and?"
Gail folded up her shirt and shoved it into her bag, "and, don't you have a small child to cook dinner for, or something?"
Traci was next to her now, "shoot, where is your brother?" Gail chuckled at that one. "Just don't screw it up, yeah?" Traci was backing out of the locker room.
"Thanks for your support," Gail mock smiled at Traci. Why was everyone telling her not to screw it up? First Dov this morning on the way in, then Chris at lunch, and now Traci. Well, Gail knew why, but why did they have to be blunt about it? Surely that was rude...
Gail finally slung her bag over her shoulder and made her way out into the hallway.
"Hey, Officer Peck! You coming to the Penny to celebrate? Big bust!" Hamilton was all smiles after their busy day.
Gail stopped and turned on her heels to face him. She narrowed her eyes and shook her head, "no, Hamilton. That'd be a negative." She turned and walked down the hall to leave.
"What? Why not?" Even in his surprise he was still chipper.
"Because you asked, Hamilton," Gail waved him off as she exited through the doors.
The rookie stood there confused, looking around the room for confirmation that he hadn't imagined their interaction. Dov and Chris had seen their exchange from the locker room door and Chris gave Hamilton a smack on the back as they both laughed, "don't take it personal, she wasn't coming to begin with."
Gail hopped in her car and sped home. She was thinking about how stopping off at the Penny for a little liquid courage before going to see Holly might not be the worst idea ever when she reached the top of the stairs. She looked up when she finally located her keys. Well that plan was out.
"Holly, hey," Gail sputtered out, "I thought you weren't getting back until later?" The knots that had taken up residence in Gail's gut that morning tightened even further.
Holly pushed herself off the wall and dropped her hands onto her thighs, "me too. I guess Summer's lead foot is more like an osmium foot."
Gail furrowed her brow looking for an explanation.
"Osmium's the heaviest naturally occurring metal on earth," Holly rattled off, "if your foot was made of osmium it would weight practically as much as a Fiat, stupid joke."
Gail let a smile creep onto her face, "nerdy." She unlocked the door and held it open, "do you wanna come in?" She was genuinely asking because she was wan't sure if Holly did. Gail knew they needed to talk. She wanted them to talk; there were things she wanted to say. Gail just didn't really want to be there for it; if only she could fast forward to whichever outcome Holly could choose. She wondered if there was a paper bag handy that she could breathe into.
"Thanks," Holly smiled and walked past her. Gail followed her inside and dumped her bag on the floor as Holly spun around on her toes, "No Dov? Chlov? Doë?"
"Pripstein? Getting drunk and handsy at the Penny," Gail's eyes darted around the room.
"Gail, we should talk-"
Gail cut Holly off, "do you want something to drink? Vodka? Tequila? Whiskey?" Gail nervously rubbed the backs of her jeans, "gin? I think we've got beer?"
Holly nodded knowingly, "so that's how we're gonna do this."
"I killed a cat," Gail spat it out; not in her usual snarky spray, but as if she wanted to finish saying it as soon as possible. As if it had escaped on it's own. She could hear her heartbeat in her ears. Holly's hands were on her hips. She didn't say anything, but her face said it all. Holly's head slid back on it's plain, an eyebrow creeped up, and her mouth dropped open slightly. "By accident," Gail quickly added once she realized what she'd said. "I was nine. My mom had finally caved and let us get a pet. It was a little kitten." Gail closed her eyes before continuing, "Steve was chasing me so I ran into my room because I didn't want him to take it away from me. I put it in a drawer." Gail sighed "Steve picked the lock on my door," shel looked down at her feet. "So, I slammed the drawer shut. I didn't want him to see," Gail chanced a look up at Holly but quickly looked back down before she could really see her. "The cat...it...popped it's head up just before the drawer closed." Holly flinched a little with her head and Gail looked up at her, "I didn't see it in time. I told my parent's it ran away."
"It snapped it's neck?" Holly's big brown eyes were filled with sorrow, Gail thought she saw a little pity in there too. She wasn't sure if it was for her or the kitten.
Gail nodded, "I was trying to protect it and keep it safe, and I just ended up killing it. Just like you. I was trying to do what was best; I was trying to protect you."
"So, I'm the cat now?" Holly asked with a little apprehension and curiosity.
"I guess," Gail licked her lips, "or we are? I was trying to protect you, I thought I was doing the right thing."
Holly cocked her head to the side, inviting Gail to continue.
"I thought..," Gail looked down and bit her lower lip before drawing her eyes back up to Holly, "I thought that I couldn't give you everything you wanted, everything you deserved. I told myself I didn't want," Gail's eyes rolled to the top of their sockets, trying to to find the right word, "the future? Because I was scared." Gail paused, waiting for Holly to say something.
Holly took her cue, brushing her glasses back up to the bridge of her nose, "why'd you get scared?" Her voice was genuine concern, curiosity; she wanted to know without malice.
Gail leaned up against the wall, "because it was real? We werereal? And work, all the sudden I'm completely responsible for keeping my rookies alive. They're even more accident prone and idiotic than Dov. You worry about me. That stupid conversation at the stupid Penny freaked me out too. Stupid, it was stupid. But I thought I was doing what was best for you. Plus, you, you see me, for me," Gail rolled her eyes at her cliched words to defend against how they exposed her. "With you I feel like I don't have to be anyone or anything but," Gail shrugged, "whatever I want. I don't have to be a cop, I don't have to be 'a Peck,' I don't have to be guarded. And in spite of that you liked me, and you stayed, and you loved 's the scariest part of all," Gail crossed her arms in front of her as a comfort.
"Gail," her voice was stern but soothing, "I never liked you in spite of you," Holly closed with a chuckle and it calmed Gail's nerves a bit.
"Well that is the scariest part then."
Holly shrugged, "fair enough."
Gail finally broke the silence that fell between them, "Holly, I'm so sorry. But you have to know that I was trying to do right by you." Gail muttered, "trying and failing," before looked down at her feet and shoved her hands between her back and the wall. "I never stopped loving you." Gail rolled her eyes even though Holly couldn't see, "it was such a waste."
"What'd you say?" Holly craned her neck forward trying to find Gail's eyes.
Gail reluctantly looked back up at Holly, "I said I never stopped loving you. I love you." Gail swallowed hard.
Holly shook her head, "what'd you say after that?"
Gail blinked, "uh, that it was a waste? Hurting you, freaking out, ruining our relationship; it was a waste," she said it quick, her eyes were narrowed. She was ashamed for, and angry at, what she had done.
"Well, was it?" Holly's voice was light and her eyebrows were raised.
Gail's face quickly morphed into one that showed serious doubt, "yes," her answer was short and definitive, "don't you think?" It was a no brainer to Gail.
"I don't know," Holly leaned up against the back of the couch and crossed her legs in front of her, "maybe not."
Gail's forehead was furrowed and her general expression and posture screamed 'are you nuts?' "Well?"
"Well, do you feel the same as you did the night you so unceremoniously packed up all your stuff, gave me my key back, and broke my heart?"
Gail flinched but her response was quick, "honestly? Yeah, I feel like shit. My palms are super sweaty, and I feel like I might puke." She couldn't help but grow more confused when Holly chuckled. Gail didn't really know what was going on, and she hated not knowing what was going on.
"Glad to know I'm not the only one. But I meant the other kind of feelings," Holly's smile went crooked, "do you think the same things as you did then?"
Gail's eyes went wide, "well, no. I don't."
Holly tapped her index finger on the top of the couch, "so, was it a waste then?" Gail was silent for a moment so Holly continued with a smile, "not to say that you went about it in the right way. At all."
How could Holly do that? How could Holly simultaneously tell her she's been a stupid, scared, little runner, and that maybe it wasn't the worst thing in the world? How could Holly constantly keep pointing out the silver lining without being nauseatingly chipper about it? Gail shrugged, "guess not."
"Couldn't have been the biggest waste in the world," Holly's tone was baiting.
"Oh yeah?" Gail quirked an eyebrow, "and what would that be?"
Holly looked over her glasses and into Gail's eyes, "staying mad at someone you love. That's the biggest waste. Or so I've been told..."
"Holly," Gail was back to being fresh, "I was never mad at you."
Holly rolled her eyes, "who says I was talking about you?"
Gail pushed herself off the wall but only took a half step forward and could barely muster a whisper, "do you? Still love me?" Her head was bowed and her fingers were fidgeting with each other behind her back.
Holly placed her hand on Gail's shoulder and waited until the blonde met her eyes, "I forgive you. Okay? I forgive you. No more shoving me in drawers though, okay? We can hide under the bed together, or something?"
"Why? Why forgive me?" The distain in Gail's voice was directed inward.
"Because. I get it, okay? I don't have to like it to understand what you did. Plus, I love you, and it would be a waste not to."
"You do?" Gail sounded hopeful but skeptical.
Holly nodded and smiled, "I do."
"Even now?" Gail's hands stilled.
"Gail, are you calling me a liar?" Holly chuckled.
Before she knew it Gail's arms were around her waist and her head was buried in her neck. Holly ran her hands up and down Gail's back as she felt warm tears speckle the crook of her neck. Finally Gail pulled away and put her hands on either side of Holly's face. "Holly, I am so so sorry. But I'm staying now. I'm staying wether you like it or not, actually. I only ever wanted you to be happy, and I didn't think I could-" Gail was surprised when her rant was stopped by Holly's lips but she quickly melted into the kiss. After a long moment Holly rested her forehead on Gail's, "you just really had to stop talking." Gail's hands were still cupping Holly's face and the smile that she saw there made her go weak at the knees. She could feel the smile creeping up, under her palms. Gail did the only thing she really could; she kissed Holly back.
"Fool, I'm a fool to believe I can do without you to repair all the wreckage and ruin"
- Ingrid Michaelson "Into You"
A/N: Phew.
Super huge thank you to all of you readers, and especially those of you who review. You're all stars! A couple of you asked, and the quotes at the top of the chapters are mostly song lyrics, a lot of them have been in Rookie Blue, but a lot of them haven't. I didn't even think of it until now but I'm going to go back and credit them before I start working on the next chapter.
As this arc of the story becomes pretty much resolved I just wanted to throw out a couple of my thoughts. Obviously, I wanted Gail to work for it. However, I don't see Holly as someone who would make Gail jump throw a bunch of hoops just for the fun of it, at least not for serious things (bag of cheese puffs? I could totally see Holly hiding that just for fun). In my mind, the situation with Holly's grandma gave Gail the opportunity to step up while also sweating it out a little, seeing as there was about a week and half between Gail showing up at Holly's doorstep and Holly finally returning home. In my mind Holly's goodbye to her grandma gave some context in which Holly might have opened up to forgiving Gail more quickly. A lot of time Gail seems to be seen as a "runner" and in the fic she did run. However, in my mind that was out of character for Gail. So far in the show Gail hasn't been the one to do the actual "breaking up". The first time she and Chris "broke up" or just stopped hooking up (they weren't really official were they?) Steve pretty much did that for her. Gail just kind of did what he told her to do. The 2nd time they broke up Chris did that. Gail did, as Chris put it, "let Dov get close to her" but Chris was the one who ended the relationship. I kinda think Gail and Nick were a little doomed from the start, but again, Gail created a situation where Nick would break up with her. The whole, cat in a tree/emergency situation. Gail was obviously uncomfortable in that relationship ever since Nick returned from undercover, but she let it fester, and eventually did something that ruined it instead of talking to Nick or ending it herself. So, how I see it, is that even though Gail abruptly peaced out on Holly, it was growth for her. She broke up with Holly, but she did so in a pretty clean way, probably the cleanest way Gail could.
Any who, Gramp Ed did give Holly that ring, but don't expect her to pop the question anytime soon...I'm definitely not done with this story, but I'm thinking of possibly stopping after another chapter or two and starting a sequel. What do ya think?