Author's Note: This was a long time coming. So sorry for the delay. I must say, that after becoming an Addisam fan, I found it difficult to write ADDEK. Thanks to some awesome fic writers, I'm back to realizing why I shipped ADDEK in the first place. So here it is, I hope you all like it and that it was worth the wait. Now that it's all flowing again, I may be able to update a bit more consistently, although don't quote me on that. Life has been getting in the way as well as new ships. :P
Summary: A/U This is my take on what should have happened after Addison's conversation with Meredith on "Piece of My Heart" and how these events will affect the lives of Addison and Derek, and those around them.
ThanX go out to my excellent Beta Agent Extremis
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
'What If ' by ColdPlay
What if there was no light?
Nothing wrong, nothing right.
What if there was no time?
And no reason or rhyme?
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side.
That you don't want me there in your life.
What if I got it wrong?
And no poem or song..
Could put right what I got wrong,
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life.
Oooooh, that's right
Let's take a breath, jump over the side.
Oooooh, that's right
How can you know it if you don't even try?
Oooooh, that's right
Previously on 'Maybe':
Addison was still. She didn't say a word, she just kept staring ahead. He followed her eye line and he caught sight of a man staring at them. The man was now walking purposely towards them.
"Addison? Are you okay? What's going on?" Kevin asked as he went to her side, choosing to ignore the man that was currently holding her.
"Kevin...I'm fine...I..."
"I was so worried about you. Dell said something was wrong and that Naomi brought you to the hospital. Is everything okay?" he asked with concern. His instinct to protect her kicked in, so he tried to pull her towards him. When she stayed firmly put, not due to her doing, but due to the man that was holding her, he finally turned to meet Derek's intense gaze. "Addison?"
'Maybe'—By Agent Addek
Chapter 5: 'What If'
He stared at them momentarily, taking in the way that the man with no name held on to Addison. They seemed so familial. The man held on to her waist tightly, and even somewhat territorially. Her body language spoke volumes as well, she was inviting this. He didn't need her to tell him that this was definitely someone she'd known intimately, but he did want her to tell him why he was here with her? More importantly, why he hadn't let her go?
"Addison?" He said her name as a question. A question he hadn't spoken out loud, but one she already knew.
She broke out from her daze and slowly pried herself away from Derek. She was trying to put a barrier between them before attempting to explain to the current man in her life that things had taken a major turn.
"Kevin, this is...this is Derek. My...my ex husband." She couldn't even bring herself to look at him. They hadn't been dating that long, so the conversation about her previous life hadn't come up yet.
"Oh..." was all he could really bring himself to say. Derek took this opportunity to introduce himself. It was obvious to him that they were involved. He extended his hand out, "Derek...Derek Shepherd."
"Kevin Nelson." An awkward beat passed between them but he broke the moment by turning his attention back to Addison. "What's going on? Is everything okay?"
Derek watched Addison. He knew that she was still reeling from what they had just learned. He needed to get her home. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but I need to get her home. You understand."
"I would if I knew what was happening." He replied, taken aback. "Addison, can I talk to you for a minute?" He turned to look between Addison and Derek. "Alone...please..." Derek was about to speak again, but Addison stopped him by laying her hand on his arm. "It'll just take a minute Derek. Can you go grab the car and I'll meet you outside?" He hesitated for a few moments, then obliged. Before he turned to walk outside, he drew his attention to Kevin. "It was a pleasure meeting you Kevin. Please don't keep her long, she needs her rest." Then turned on his heel and walked away.
Kevin was only momentarily stunned but shook it off and then turned his attention to Addison. He could tell she was nervous. There was something brewing behind her eyes...something didn't feel right and he knew he was about to find out. He took in her appearance...she looked beautiful...he would even go as far as saying that she was glowing...but her eyes seemed tired, like she really needed to lay down. He silently grabbed her hand and led her to the very uncomfortable chairs in the lobby.
Addison followed without hesitation. She slowly prepared in her head what she was going to say to this man who had been nothing but kind and wonderful, a breath of fresh air in the smoggy dating pool that was Los Angeles. Kevin took a seat and then prompted her to do the same. They were silent for several moments. "At the risk of sounding like a broken record, what's going on Addison?" She instantly looked down at her hands, she couldn't look him in the eyes right now. Sure, they hadn't been dating for too long, and it's not like she had really cheated on him, but still she felt guilty.
She took a deep breath, then looked up to meet his inquiring gaze. "I really don't know how to say this other than just say it. I went to Seattle almost a month and a half ago, and while I was there, something happened." Kevin shifted uncomfortably. "We had just started dating, we weren't serious yet. It was after I came back that we decided to give this, us, a real go. When I was there...I...I slept with my ex-husband." she quickly blurted.
It took him a few seconds to digest what she had just said, "Oooh...kay. So you slept with him..." he motioned towards the double door. She nodded.
"That's not all of it. I'm pregnant." At his deep breath intake, she quickly dispelled any notion of him being the father. "It's Derek's." she finished.
He was shocked to say the least. His girlfriend of two weeks was pregnant, and not with his child, but with her ex-husband's who happened to be right outside those hospital doors waiting for her...waiting to take her back to her home. "Is that why he's here?...how long have you..."
"I just found out last night. I called him and he flew out here this morning. We had quite a scare at the office, he and Naomi brought me here for further testing."
Even though he really didn't know how to feel about the situation, his concern for her won him over. He instantly reached out to touch her arm soothingly. "Are you okay? Is everything..." he motion to her flat abdomen, "...okay?"
She grinned appreciatively at his worry over her, "I'm fine, the babies are fine. I just need..."
"Wait...babies? As in two?"
Addison couldn't help but chuckle at his surprise, "Yeah, I'm having twins. After everything...god...I...look at me, already getting so emotional...I'm so sorry Kevin. This wasn't planned at all, but I can't say that I'm not happy about it. Things have changed now. My complete attention and energy need to be focused on them." she said as she gently place her hand over her stomach. "I need to focus on my health. I hope you understand."
He was hearing her, but he really wasn't listening so he was caught off guard when she said, 'I hope you understand'. Was she saying what he thought she saying? Are they over before they really got a chance to start? "Wait...what are you saying?"
"It was great while it lasted, but I honestly don't think you want to be involved with a woman who is currently carrying her ex-husband's twins. It wouldn't be fair for me to assume that you'd want to stick around. Look, I'm really really sorry to spring this on you so abruptly, but I needed to tell you. I couldn't string you along." She began to get up, "I'm sorry but I've been a while and...Derek is waiting...I'm really tired. I just wanna go home and rest. I'm really...really sorry Kevin." With that she walked away.
It had all happened so quickly. He didn't really have time to process. When he looked up, she was already exiting the doors. Everything in him was screaming to stop her, but why? What would he say to her? He didn't bother to think on it, the pull towards her was too much. He swiftly stood up and ran to the open double doors, but he was too late...she was gone.
Kevin stood by the entrance for what seemed like an eternity. Why did he feel this tremendous loss? He had a feeling that he would be missing out on something that could have changed his life. It was odd, how taken he was by her. They hadn't known each other that long, but yet here he was feeling an ache in his heart. He was suddenly struck by this need to go see her. Yes, she had just said her goodbyes and apologies, but he didn't have a say. He should have some sort of a say. He turned towards the parking garage and walked with purpose. He was like a man possessed, with only one mission in mind, getting to Addison.
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She hadn't spoken since she'd gotten into the car. He struggled with letting her be, but frankly, he wanted to know what had happened. Besides, he had no idea where she lived.
"Addie...are you okay?" He questioned hesitantly.
"I'm fine." She mumbled.
He decided to push her a little more, "You don't seem fine. Do you wanna talk about it?"
"There's nothing to talk about Derek. I broke it off. Simple as that."
A smile almost crept up on him, but he quickly stopped it. He felt relieved and almost happy at her ending whatever it was with Kevin, when he shouldn't be. He glanced over at her, "I know you don't want to talk, but I kinda need to know where I'm going."
She smiled slightly. "Sorry, just keep going down PCH and veer off to the left on Escondido Road...Thanks."
"For what?" He asked perplexed.
"For not pushing me to tell you, for being here and driving me home."
"Addie you know..."
"I know, but thank you anyway." She turned forward and continued to stare at the road ahead of them. Derek took that as it was intended.
"You're welcome." He said.
They drove the rest of the way in comfortable silence. He quickly found her street and smiled when he noticed she had beachfront property. He wouldn't expect anything less for his Addie. Derek turned to look at her. He noticed the mixture of emotions crossing her face. He instinctively reached out to touch her arm soothingly, rousing her from her quiet reverie.
"Sorry...I think we're here?" He questioned as he nodded towards the house.
"It's okay...yeah this is it. Go ahead and park in the driveway...looks like Nai beat us here."
"Huh?"
"She's parked at Sam's. We're neighbors, he's right here on the left." She pointed.
"You live next door to Sam?" He asked, a bit taken aback.
"Yeah." She noticed the odd look that colored Derek's face."I like living next to him. It makes me feel a little safer." She finished genuinely.
Derek nodded, but couldn't quell the tinge of jealousy that was passing through him. Regardless of what others thought of Sam's protectiveness towards Addison, he'd always known that Sam had had a thing for her. Sam never mentioned anything, but he had noticed the longing looks that he'd give Addison when he thought no one had been watching. Then the longing looks became less frequent after their respective engagements, and then their marriages. Although come to think of it, he noticed a slight change after Sam decided to quit the residency program. It's almost like there was something that Addison and Sam knew and weren't sharing. And now...now they were divorced and living next to each other. His jaw clenched a bit.
"You gonna stand there all night?...or are you gonna cook me dinner?" Addison teased.
Her voice cut through his whirling thoughts. Her smile eased the uneasiness that was starting to build. "Yeah...let me just grab my stuff." Addison continued inside while Derek gathered his bags. He gave one last look towards Sam's house, then turned and hurried after her.
As he entered, he couldn't help but smile at the familiarity. It was definitely Addison's home, you could see her touch everywhere. He paused by the doorway and took in his surroundings. Something in his chest ached, a feeling of wanting to belong to her world once again was coming over him. Regret filled his heart...all these emotions caught him off guard. He tried to shake himself out of it and continued inside.
"Let me show you upstairs first so you can put your stuff down, then I'll give you the grand tour." She winked and grinned then turned to head up.
Derek was instantly at her side, trying to steady her with his hand. "Hey, take it easy, here let me..."
"Derek, I'm fine! I'm pregnant not helpless."
"Sorry." He smiled sheepishly. "You just really scared me back at the hospital. I wanna make sure.."
"I'm okay Derek. I'm not gonna break. Plenty of women have delicate pregnancies and they turn out just fine. Besides they've...," she pointed towards her stomach, "...got Nai and I looking after them." She smiled.
He was pensive for a moment, then smiled back. "Okay, I'll try not to over crowd you, but I can't promise that I won't do it again." She chuckled and rolled her eyes.
"Sure, fine, whatever." Addison turned to her right to open the door to the guest bedroom. "This is your room." She lead the way. "You can set your stuff in the drawer here. The closet has a few of my winter coats, but other than that, you can hang whatever you want in there." Derek set his bags down and continued to follow her. "You have a small balcony with a view of the ocean, and the bathroom is out here to the right, down the hall. My room's the last one to the right..."
"Am I gonna get a tour of your room?" He said with a wiggle of his eyebrows.
She swatted his arm, "You shit. Nope. It's mine, no boys allowed."
"Addie, why so violent?" He attempted to pout. He caught her eyes, then they both burst into laughter.
"Okay, I'm gonna go change into something comfortable. Why don't you get settled in, then we'll regroup downstairs?"
"It won't take me long, I'll go downstairs and see what I can whip up. What do you feel like having for..."
"Der, don't be silly. We've both had a long day, let's just order take out."
"Addison, you heard what Naomi said, you have to eat well. The stuff we can get delivered isn't gonna be that."
"You're in LA now buddy, we can get anything delivered." She winked at him, then turned on her feet and began her descent downstairs. Derek quickly followed.
Addison headed towards the kitchen, pulled out a menu and handed it to him. "See if you can find anything you like, since I know you're partial to fishing your own trout." She smiled coyly.
"Ha ha funny. Wow you're on a roll tonight, aren't ya?" He began to flip through the Urth Caffe menu. "What are you having?"
"I know that menu like nobody's business. I know what I want." She winked playfully.
"Well then, I guess you told me." Derek grinned back. "Okay, let me look through this. Tell me what you want, you go change and I'll order. Deal?"
"Deal! Okay,let's see...hmmm...okay...order me the white albacore tuna sandwich** with the heirloom tomato and burrata salad, New York cheesecake and a large grapefruit juice."
"Are you sure you're gonna be able to finish that Addie?"
"Silly, I'm eating for three now, of course I'll finish it." She smiled and then turned to walk upstairs.
"Of course." He gave her a lopsided smile and watched her from behind, letting it all wash over him again. They were having twins.
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He had arrived several minutes ago, but he couldn't bring himself to exit the car. What was he going to tell her? Did he really have anything of substance to say? She was carrying another man's child...children really, but not just any MAN, her ex husband's children! Someone who she had a history with, who she had just fallen into bed not too long ago, and now she would share one of the greatest bonds with, the tie that binds. Who was he in her life? How could he compete? They hadn't even known each other long, so why this pull to fight for her? Why the urge to tell her, "Let's see where this goes?" It seemed insane, and perhaps it was, but it hadn't stopped him from driving to her house and sitting in his car across the street. Kevin took a deep breath and finally opened the door, it was now or never.
He briskly walked up the drive way and up to her door. He tried to shake off the nerves that were beginning to take a hold of him, and knocked.
"Kevin?" Addison questioned, confused. She hadn't expected to see him after the conversation they had at the hospital.
"Addison...I'm sorry to come over here without calling, I just really needed to..."
"Addison?" Derek called out, as he came up behind her. "Damn they're good, I haven't even called...What are you doing here?" He instinctively stepped in front of Addison.
"Derek, it's fine."
"Kevin?" She asked again.
"I'm sorry. I don't even know what I'm doing here. All I know is that I needed to talk to you."
"It's okay...I didn't give you much time to process all of this. I'm sorry...Derek would mind giving us some time?"
Derek was caught off guard. He wasn't expecting her to invite him in. "Yeah...I'll be upstairs ordering if you need me." He hesitantly made his way upstairs. He glanced over his shoulder, then continued.
"Come in."
"Thanks. I'm sorry for just coming over here."
"Kevin it's fine! Please sit." She motioned to her couch. He started to sit, but suddenly darted up.
"I can't sit! Addison, I came over here tonight because I want...I want you to change your mind." She stared at him, confusion colored her face.
"Kevin, I...I..."
"Please don't say anything, just let me get this out." He begged. She nodded, he continued. "Look, I know what I'm about to say may sound insane, so I'm just gonna say it...I wanna give this a try."
"Give what a try?" She asked, not really understanding what he was trying to say.
"Us...this." He said pointing towards her stomach.
"Kevin..."
"Please, you said you'd hear me out." She knew she should put a stop to it, but he just wanted to be heard, so despite her better judgment, she let him continue.
"What if we could actually do this? You and me. Look, I know we've only been seeing each other a month or so, and maybe a few weeks exclusively, but I think we can do this. I want to do this...Do you remember the day we first met?" Addison nodded. "I knew then, right at that moment, that I needed to know you. That if I didn't ask you out, I'd be missing out on something great. What if we're missing out on something here if we don't give this a try? What if everything that's happened was meant to happen to lead us to this very moment?" He was quiet for a moment, letting her take it all in. Neither of them aware that Derek was standing at the top of the stairs, holding his breath.
"Kevin, that all sounds wonderful and full of unexpected promise...but I'm sorry, I can't rely on something like that now. Had it just been me to think about, then yes, I may have taken that "What if" adventure with you, but it's not just me anymore. I'm so sorry...I can't...I won't."
"Addison..." She put up her hand to stop him.
"Please Kevin, just let this go. I can't do this...for so many reasons. Just know that I am sorry and I wish you the very best. I know you'll find someone who deserves you." She stood up and gently kissed his cheek. "Goodbye Kevin."
He nodded in understanding. "Goodbye Addison. If you ever need anything...anything at all...please call me."
"Will do. Thank you. Here, I'll walk you out." She guided him to the front door. As he walked at a steady pace to his car, he turned to look at her once more, a sad smile colored his face. Addison stood by her door for several moments, then closed it and leaned her head against it. "He's gone. You can come downstairs now." She said without even looking behind her.
"How did you know that..."
"I felt you." Was all she said, before she turned and walked over to take a seat on the couch once more. "Wow, I must say I did not expect that one...at all."
Derek followed and sat next to her. "He must really have grown to care about you in the short time he's known you. I can't say I blame him. You're an amazing person Addison." He said matter of fact.
"I sure don't feel like one."
"You can't feel bad about this. It had to be done."
"Did it? Would it have been so hard to just give it a shot?"
"Addison, you barely even knew the guy. It was for the best."
"The best? The best for who? Certainly not for me. I'm going to be in this alone Derek. I'm going to be a single mother to not one, but two babies, and he wanted to give it a try. What would have been the harm in that? What if it could have worked? What if I didn't need to be in this alone?"
"You're not alone in this. I'm here. No matter what happens, I will be here."
"How do I know that? How do I know that you won't change your mind? That you won't resent me for getting pregnant when we were both moving on?" She was looking at him with such fear and sincerity, the naked look in her eyes piercing his very soul. How could he tell her that even though he had been ready to move on, he was still thinking of her. Thinking of that night that they made love before watching her get on that plane to leave him once more. That yesterday evening when she called him, Meredith and him were making plans for the future, a future, that when he closed his eyes, still involved a certain red head with striking blue eyes. He knew that he was only thinking with his heart at the moment, and in the morning, things might look differently and he'd deal with it then. Kevin was right about a few things, what if everything that happened was leading up to this very moment? What if he could be missing out on something great? What if this was their chance to come together once more? He had to tell her, he had to tell her what he failed to tell her the day she left him at that airport.
"Because I'm still in love with you."
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Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
But that's the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there in your life.
That you don't want me there by your side.
Oooooh, that's right
Let's take a breath jump over the side.
Oooooh, that's right
How can you know it when you don't even try?
Oooooh, that's right
Oooooh, that's right
Let's take a breath jump over the side
Oooooh, that's right
You know that darkness always turns into light
Oooooh, that's right..
Please REVIEW, it definitely encourages me to write. :)
**Albacore Tuna- Tuna mercury levels can be different based on the type of tuna and where it was caught. Here's a link to a chart with guidelines to how much tuna can be eaten by children, pregnant women or women wanting to conceive, based on their weight. .
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