Summary: Death is only the beginning. The ones we love never really leave us. And sometimes we have to die before we can really live.
AN: So this chapter I am not too happy with it. It didn't come out the way I wanted it to. And it's not nearly as long as I would have liked but his head space was just hard. Like really hard. And I couldn't find out what Slade's wife name was so I googled poplar girl names in Australia and picked the top one. And just FYI there is some swearing in this chapter I tried to keep it to a minimum but just wanted everyone to be aware. Also for my story Isobel cannot fight. Also this story takes place after he kidnaps Thea but before he goes after Moria. And Roy never ran away. Anyway on to the story I hope you enjoy it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Arrow sadly. If I did Oliver would be with Felicity right now or at least really explaining himself to her. But hey endgame right?
His mind shatters as the scene before him unfolds. What the hell just happened? He doesn't know and he doesn't think he ever will. This wasn't supposed to happen this way. His plan has been ruined. She ruined it, sent it right down the drain. And now his mind is silent. Where was Shado? She should be here to tell him what to do. Did this woman do what he could never do? Did she finally let Shado be at peace? He looks around to see if he can see her and he does. Right beside her. She is looking down at this girl as if she has never seen anything like her before. And he has to admit, he hasn't either. And maybe that's why Shado is quite because he is quite. He doesn't understand any of this. This is what he wanted, so why does it feel like he is the one who lost everything? She destroyed everything he believed in with just a few questions. Questions he has never asked; no, questions he never wanted to ask. Let alone answer. And she threw them right in his face without a care. He's a mercenary, a cold blooded killer so how did she break through every wall, every defense he had up. He sold his soul to the devil so he could destroy Oliver but he has only really destroyed himself. He should not be thinking like this but he can't help it. All those questions keep running through his mind. All in rapid fire, all on repeat, never stopping, never giving his mind peace. This was supposed to end his pain, his suffering but now it has only added on to it. She did that, she changed everything. Why? Why could she do this, how could she do this? What made her so special? What gave her the right to change this plan, to change him? To make him doubt himself. He wasn't prepared for her, for any of this to happen. But more apparently he wasn't prepared to find he still had his soul. It was there, deep down and hidden away from the light but it was still there. Maybe that's why she could do it. She was light and his soul had sensed it and it wanted it. It wanted to see the light. It wanted to remember what it was like to feel the sun on its face, to feel the light in the darkest part of itself where he stored all the horrors of being a soldier. Why would she do this? Why give her life for Oliver Queen? Why try to prove he still had some humanity left in side of his self? He never stood a chance with her. A cold chill runs through his body and he shivers violently. The moment is coming.
Her questions keep plaguing his mind and they won't leave him in peace. What would his family think? He hasn't thought about them since he killed his friend Billy on that island. Hasn't even looked them up to see if they were okay. To see if his wife remarried, if his son calls someone else dad. Are they even alive or have they died? Does he want them to know about him? Know about the monster he has become? No he really doesn't. His son use to idolize him, would he cower in fear or look at him is disgust. He is not for sure which would be worse and it shouldn't matter. He made his bed and now he has to sleep in it. But it does, it does matter. It's all he can think about now. And he wants to hate her for it because thinking about them hurts, it hurts so much. She wanted him to feel this pain, to feel this hurt because she believed he could still be saved. She reminds him of his wife Olivia always believing in the best of everybody even when there is none. Olivia, how he misses his Olivia. She would hate the man he has become today. To go to them now would only cause pain and heartache for them. What will happen to them now? As far as they know he is dead but he wouldn't pass someone to let it be known that he is in fact alive and quite well. What would happen to them? Would they take his benefits from them? Say they knew the whole time and said nothing only covered it up. Would they be labeled terrorist and sent to prison? Or would one of his victims' family members take the law into their hands and kill them? Is there someone there to protect them, to make sure they are safe? And that thought makes him sick to his stomach. Someone else is loving his wife, holding her, being her husband now. Someone else is warming her bed and it makes him sick because that is supposed to be him. Joe is calling someone else dad. Someone is teaching him how to throw a football, helping with his homework, helping him with his girlfriend problems. Someone who is not him is telling him all about the birds and the bees. And he hates that because those should be his memories. He should be doing of all of that. But he can never have that and now he has to understand that. He has to live with that because of her. She changed everything. She made him ask the questions he never wanted to know the answer to. The moment is coming.
Was Shado worth all of this? If someone asked a few hours ago he would have said yes in an instant. But now, now he can't say that. Because she isn't, she isn't worth all of this pain. He ruined her memories. He tainted them with his darkness. Now no one will remember her for the good soul she was. All they will think is that she was just as dark as he is. And it's not true. She was beautiful and so full of light. This person he sees, it isn't Shado. Not his Shado and Oliver tried to tell him that. They all did, and he didn't listen. He didn't want to listen, didn't want to believe. But it was true. They were right. And as he looks at her, the Shado he has known for years now he can see it. See the person for who it really is. And it shocks him so much he slams into the wall behind him. It's him; the person is him the monster. And it tears him up because he isn't supposed to be the villain. But he is and she would hate him. The real her would hate him. This one looks at him and tells him to finish them off. Oliver is weak and left unprotected. But he can't do it. He can't strike back now because it's not her and he deserves so much better. He wanted her to speak now all he wants her to do is shut up. And just like that she does and the anger is gone and he finally sees the real her. She looks at him in so much love and understanding he can barely catch his breath. He has wanted to see her for so long and now he has he doesn't know what to do. He had so much to tell her, so much to ask her and now he can't make his mouth function. But she seems to understand. She sits right beside him and leans on him. Giving him strength. Strength he never knew he needed. He wanted to die for so long, so he could be with her and here she is and he doesn't want to die so he can be with her. He wants to die because he hurt someone who was so much like her and didn't deserve it. And now Oliver has to go through this and as much as he wants to think that is what he wanted the truth is he wanted Oliver to kill him. To put him out of his misery, to end his pain and be with his Shado. But now he will die and never see her. Because people like him don't get to be saved, don't get the happy endings. If his dying could save her he would do it. Because that is how he could honor Shado. Dying for someone who is worthy. Oliver wears her hood to honor her and her father and that is someone worthy. He honors by killing for money and enjoying the bloodshed and she would turn away from him if she was still here. So no the Shado he has been seeing was not worth it. Loving and fighting the good fight for her is worth it. Not this. Never this. He glances at her and they both feel it. She walks over to her and prepares to help her. The moment is coming.
Was she right? If the gun had been pointed at Shado would he have jumped in front of it? Looking at him now and remembering back then the answer always remains the same; Yes. Yes he would have. He can't believe he didn't see it then, that he let his emotions get the better of him. Made him doubt his brother. The man he made into a warrior, the boy he helped turn into a man. What was wrong with him? Did he really think he was the only one who loved her, who would miss her? But really was she his to be so upset about. She was never his, no she was with Oliver not him. So yes if the gun was on her he would have jumped in front of the bullet. He would gladly take a bullet for them. Oliver would gladly take a bullet for anyone and everyone. Even if they didn't deserve it. Oliver has been and will always been the one to save them all. To mourn them all. Emotion was never his weakness, no it was his strength. And Shado saw that, she bathed in it. He could show her love something he never could. It's no wonder Shado was with Oliver and not him. And should it really matter? They were all friends first, everything else came second. Oliver, Shado he is so very sorry for how he betrayed you both. He darkened memories and destroyed friendships. They could have helped each other through their grief instead of each person trying to handle it themselves. Maybe if he had stayed his friend he would have been able to help Oliver tell the woman he loves that he loved her before he lost her. Told him to hold her close and cherish every moment he has with her. To worship her and know just how lucky he is to have her. Instead he has to watch Oliver grieve and be the broken man he should never have to be. The question remains will Oliver follow in his dark path or will he self destruct in a whole other way? He liked Shado felt deeply for her, but the way he feels about her, his Felicity is something much deeper, much harder. He hopes he doesn't grieve for her like he, himself did for Shado. Shado looks back at him and she feels so much sorrow for all of them. For what is about to happen, for what grief is about to befall them. This is the Shado he remembers this is the Shado they loved. And he knows that she hates that Oliver will suffer the way he has. And he hates it too. Felicity made him feel and he wants to hate her for it because it hurts, it hurts so much. But he needed to feel, he needs to remember what it is like to be humane. To love and be loved and no that no matter what at the end of the day someone is always going to care about you. He wishes he could stop it, change what just happened but he can't. The moment is coming.
She was getting through to him. Why did he lash out? Because he brought friends that's why. So really it's his own fault. There it is that anger that rage it won't leave him alone leave him in peace. He was never this angry before. Before this mirakuru. He hates, he hates it so much. That is what is to blame no one else but it. Every time he thinks he has control, it rears its ugly head. If he could only rid himself of it. He and everyone else would be better off without it. But there is no cure and he has no idea how to control it. Nothing he does ever works. But he looks to Shado and it's still the Shado he sees so maybe that is a good sign. Maybe if he focuses on the real her on his family he can keep it in control. Then a terrible thought runs through his mind what if when she goes she will haunt him instead. That terrifies him because he knows if that should happen he will gladly in his own life because he will not tarnish another sweet woman's life. This mirakuru is a curse more than a blessing. All it does is cause pain and chaos wherever it goes. So what if he is stronger and faster, he is always angry and he is never in control. How many innocent lives has he taken in his rage? How many have suffered because he couldn't control it? Too many and they will forever haunt him. No wonder the Japanese sunk their own submarine; none of them could control it. They knew this should never get out. And what has he done, he has made a whole army of these rage induced machines. And they can't be put down. He is going to die trying to put them all down and he is okay with that. This mirakuru needs to be gone forever. He and his men are the last of it and they will never harm another innocent soul again. He needs to destroy it and make sure Shado's and Felicity's death mean something. He needs to make retributions for his sins. He will pay for what he has done and until then he will make sure he stops the mirakuru from becoming the next horrific plague. No one else will feel this power, this rage ever again. A gentle wind blows and it seems she agrees with him. Felicity will forever be watching over them. And he knows she will help him stop the mirakuru. The blood pools around her and he wishes there was something he could do to stop it, to save her. Shado is whispering to her and he knows. Dear Lord he knows. The moment is coming.
And holy crap the mirakuru. He hasn't been thinking about it nonstop and it never occurred to him to actually think about the one good thing it can do. He has to stop this. They need her, they all need her.
"I can save her." And by God he can. He can save her. If they let him. The moment has come.
So loved everyone's thoughts last week on who it was. Good job guys. Thanks for all the reviews last week. Over Fifty reviews! I am working on something for you guys for being awesome. Don't forget leave me a review. And yes all mistakes are still mine. I am doing this without a beta. Can't wait to hear from you guys. I want to hear all your thoughts on the story and on Wednesday's episode.