True Love Way

Chapter 2

By spring, I had come to the realization that 2000 would not be the year for me. It wouldn't bring about change or happiness in any way. It was simply a repeat of any other. Illnesses hit me one after another. My mother coddled me. My father pitied me more. I locked myself in my room more nights than not to avoid Dad's not-so-helpful talks and Mom's frequent offerings of sweets. Mostly, I didn't want to witness my siblings falling in love. I was happy for them, of course, but it really fucking stung.

Mom found a new therapist she was very excited about. She thought this would be the one I could really connect with and make a change for the better. I had been through counselling most of my life with many different therapists and hadn't found success at all. I had little hope for this one but agreed to see him, if only to appease my mother. She worried so much, and that just added to my list of things I hated about myself.

The parking lot was remarkably full for a Friday afternoon. Normally kids would tear out of there, anxious to kick off the weekend. But it was the first day in weeks with no rain, and apparently that encouraged everyone to socialize. Groups clustered together around a car with music blasting. They laughed and carried on as they made plans for the weekend. I found a quiet corner to wait in while watching for my mom. I hoped she'd be late. I wanted the crowd to thin out a bit before I emerged from the shadow of the building.

I watched one of the groupings thin out and realized that it was Emmett's truck they were gathered around. He was in the driver's seat, leaning out the window while my sister stood beside him, scanning the parking lot. Suddenly, the horn blared and he started calling out, "Ed! Hey! Ed, over here!"

Rosalie quickly muffled him, leaning in to talk before she turned in my direction and waved me over. I made the walk slowly, focusing on my footing so I wouldn't trip. All eyes were now on me, so I had a very good chance of stumbling. I kept my head down and didn't look at anyone I passed. That helped.

"Sorry about that," Rosalie apologized softly when I stood beside her. "Em was just happy to have spotted you. I was trying to find you." I loved my sister for knowing I didn't like attention drawn to me. I also felt stupid for exposing that fact to Emmett. Thankfully, he didn't make a fuss about it.

"Hey, we're going for pizza and a movie. You in?" Emmett's thick fist gave me a light pound on my arm.

"Can't –"

"No excuses, Edward! You haven't been out in ages. I miss you. Come with us. It'll just be the three of us tonight. It'll be fun!"

The thought of spending time with Rose and Emmett did appeal more knowing that I wouldn't have to watch Jasper mauling Bella in the dark theatre or see her gazing at him adoringly when he fed her popcorn. I almost wished I could go. "I really can't, Rose. Mom made an appointment for me."

"We can wait," Emmett suggested with a friendly grin.

I shook my head, looking at my sister. "Nah. You know how I get after these appointments. You won't have any fun with me there." That was the absolute truth. I got really fucking introspective and downright depressed after therapy. It was pathetic.

"Hey, kids! What's up tonight?" Jasper appeared out of nowhere, throwing an arm around my shoulder and giving Emmett a friendly punch. Bella joined us, positioning herself between me and Rose. She smiled softly at me and greeted Emmett.

I saw my mother's car as they began discussing joint plans. I couldn't find a way to escape before she was out of the car.

"What's Mom doing here?" Jasper spotted her shortly after I did.

"I have an appointment…" I muttered.

"Edward! Come on, honey. We don't want to be late." Mom was all smiles as she made her way over to us. At least one of us was looking forward to this thing.

Jasper looked mortified. "Dude. Mommy's picking you up at school for an appointment?"

Rosalie issued a sharp slap to his chest. "Don't be an ass, Jazz."

"I'm just saying he's a little old to go through this routine. How can he ever grow up if she won't let him?"

The look in Rosalie's eyes killed me. She agreed with him. I knew in that instant, with their twin looks exchange, that they had discussed this previously. "Now is not the time, Jasper."

"Mom, come on! Why don't you let him go on his own?"

She scowled at him. "It's a new doctor, Jasper. I don't want Edward feeling anxious going in there on his own."

"I'd be fine," I mumbled, feeling every bit as mortified as my brother looked and every bit as sad as my sister looked.

"You say that, but you know you wouldn't be. That's what family is for, dear. We're here to help you."

"I could have taken him, Mom." I knew Jasper meant well – his second-hand embarrassment was meant to be helpful, instead it just added to my own.

"Look, I don't need anyone taking me! I'd be perfectly fine on my own. But Mom's here now… so can we just go?"

She reached out to take my arm but halted when Jasper shot her a look.

"Hey, Ed, we'll be at the diner if you change your mind. You could join us when you're done."

I smiled at Emmett for attempting to make the scene less awkward. I was well aware that both he and Bella were witness to my family's discussion of my personal growth and mental health. "We'll see. Thanks." Bella was right at my side, so I had to look at her to get around her. She gave my arm a little rub as she smiled up at me.

"Good luck. I'll see you tomorrow," she whispered.

Smirking, I nodded almost unperceptively. She knew full well that I wouldn't show up for their double date no matter how my appointment went. Bella had kept up our agreement to continue with our friendship, and she was a most considerate and thoughtful friend.

~ 0 ~

"I thought you and I could have dinner somewhere. Anywhere you want! Your father is working late, so it's just the two of us. It's been so long since we had a mother and son night. What would you like to do?"

Crawl into a hole… I couldn't say that. She was only trying to get my mind off everything as we sat in the waiting room. "Whatever you'd like, Mom. I'm not very hungry."

"Hmm. Well, maybe we could pick something up and rent a movie. Have a quiet night in?"

"That sounds good."

The office door opened, and a thin, ancient looking man with a kind smile emerged. "Edward? I'm Dr Tenneman. Aro."

Mom stood immediately and shook his hand. "Hello, Dr Tenneman. We spoke on the phone last week. I'm Esme Cullen, Edward's mother."

"Of course! Good to meet you. Would you like to come in, Edward? There's a lounge down the hall, Mrs Cullen, if you'd like to get a coffee and wait for Edward there."

I liked this guy already. He knew Mom was itching to get in there with us. I had mixed feelings about those sessions she crashed – part of me loved not having to talk. She could fill the hour just talking about me. Another part of me loathed hearing how pathetic I was from my own mother. I would leave feeling worse about myself and guilty for making her feel bad for me.

"Well, Edward! Take a seat, anywhere you'd like. I'm anxious to get to know you."

I sat in a chair by the window and folded my hands in my lap. "You spoke to my mom already. So you know what's going on with me." I had been through this 'getting to know each other' phase so often it bored me.

He hummed as he picked up a tablet of paper. "I'd like to hear what's going on with you from you, however. Can you tell me about yourself?"

I sighed, slouching down a little more as I began. "Um, I get depressed sometimes. I've got weight issues, obviously." I stared at my hands as my fingers picked at each other. "I don't really like to talk much, and I'm sick a lot." I finished up and waited for his response. He was silent and still. He didn't scratch down my issues on his tablet like the others. Instead he simply watched me as if he were waiting for more. "I think that's about it."

He smiled over at me. "I think you've summed up some facts, but that doesn't tell me much about who you are. Tell me about you, Edward."

I froze. That was a new one. "Well, I'm shy. Really awkward. I don't fit in anywhere."

"Where would you like to fit in?"

His question threw me. I had expected to have to ramble a bit more before he interjected. "Um, I don't really know. I guess I'm pretty happy to not fit in. I'm comfortable on my own. People make me nervous."

"What happens when you get nervous?"

"Well… I um, I guess I do stupid things. I trip. I drop stuff. All I can think about is how to get out of there and be by myself."

"And when you are by yourself? What then?"

"You mean, after I'm nervous?" I acknowledged his nod and continued. "I don't know. I guess I sort of freak out a little. I don't like anyone around me when I'm like that."

"What's that like? Can you describe what happens when you 'freak out'?"

I took a deep breath. He was about to witness what it was like firsthand.

"It's all right, Edward. Take your time. Nice deep breaths. Talk when you're feeling more comfortable."

No one had ever done that. The other therapists talked over me. Switched subjects when I couldn't respond immediately. I wondered if this was a way for him to extend our sessions – make more money. I thought about how much money my parents had already wasted on me and wondered why they were willing to toss away more with this guy. It was obvious that I would always be this way. How much more would they spend trying to fix what couldn't be fixed?

"Deep breaths," he reminded me gently. "You look like you've gone somewhere else with your thoughts. Do you have trouble focusing?"

I shook my head. "I've been tested for ADHD. It's not that. I just prefer thinking over talking."

Dr Tenneman examined me closely. "I bet there are some really intriguing thoughts in that head. Can you tell me why you don't want to share them with anyone?"

I snorted. "I don't have to think about that! It's simple – they'll laugh. Or think that I'm stupid. I know I'm not as smart as my brother and sister, but I'm not a complete idiot."

The doctor smiled as he nodded. "Can we go back to when you 'freak out' now? I'd really like to know what happens then. Maybe I can help you with that. It's a good place to start, anyway."

I watched him shift positions in his chair across from me. He wasn't fidgety. His movements were smooth but didn't seem calculated. It put me at ease. I also liked that he was getting right down to it. Previously, I'd had several meetings with the therapists before they actually tried to 'do' anything for me.

"Can you tell me what happens, Edward? Do you feel these episodes coming on?"

"I get… um… very anxious, I suppose. Like, I can't breathe. I sweat a lot. And shake. It's a slow build, so yeah, I can feel them about to happen. Like I said, I don't want anyone around when I'm like that."

"What do you suppose they'd do if they saw you? Do you think they'd laugh?"

"No. I think they'd be scared. They'd feel sorry for me. They'd want to be anywhere but where I am. I don't want to do that to anyone."

"What about afterwards? Do you feel like you could connect with people after you've relaxed?"

I shook my head. "It makes me sick. Literally. I throw up, and then I'm just exhausted. I can sleep for days after a bad one."

"I know you're not now, but have you ever been medicated for your anxiety?"

I shook my head again. "I was on Ritalin when I was young. It made things worse. They did the tests for ADHD afterwards, and my mom didn't want me on anything after that."

"Understandable, of course. How would you feel about taking something to help your nerves?"

I shrugged. "I guess I just think it would make things worse, too. It's not like that happens every day. I can handle it."

"Is there something you don't feel able to handle? Something you'd prefer to begin with?"

I gave it some thought as I smirked. "Whew. There's a lot of things to rifle through. Do you have a hat? We could just toss all my issues into it and pick one at random."

He chuckled, understanding that I was attempting to make light of it. "How about we just pick one without all the work involved with the random draw. What's the first thing that comes to mind?"

"My weight, I guess."

We spent the remainder of our hour together talking about my up and down weight. How I'd been a scrawny child, nothing but skin and bones, and the occasional cast on a broken bone. How I was prone to illness, and the usual routine of my mom bringing me ice cream and baking cookies for me when I was sick. How I'd spent a lot of time with her in the kitchen when I wasn't sick, just to avoid going outside to play with the other kids. I also talked about the countless times well-meaning adults commented on how I needed to be 'fattened up' and I'd be much better. Except, I wasn't better. Fatter, yes. Better? Hell no.

"Ideally, how would you like to be? Not thinking of making your mom feel better or eliminating judgemental comments from others – how would you feel comfortable?"

"Somewhere in between. I hated being a rake. But now, I feel gross. I disgust myself when I eat."

"Do you then eliminate?" He quirked an eyebrow at me, halting his pen on the tablet.

I nodded with embarrassment. "Sometimes, yeah. If I over-eat, I feel really sick. It has to come out. I don't have a choice. Well, I do, I suppose – I could not over-eat to begin with."

"You are such a bright young man." The doctor smiled genuinely at me. "I can say with a great amount of certainty that this is not hopeless, Edward. I'd like very much to work with you and help you sort some of these things out. Would you let me work with you?"

"I guess, yeah. This has been okay."

He snickered. "You didn't expect that, did you?"

"No. Really, I think it's kind of pointless. I'm beyond help." My fingers started picking again, and my damned lower lip was quivering ever so slightly. "I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't want to burden my family –" My voice trembled, and my breath caught in my throat. "Shit. Sorry."

Dr Tenneman moved to the edge of his chair, setting his pad and pen down. He leaned on his elbows looking me square in the eye. "You are not beyond help. And you are worth helping. I will not consider my job done until I make you believe that to be true, Edward."

I sniffled and tried to laugh. I was so near tears and sobs, I wasn't sure what would come out.

"I would also like you to give some deep consideration to medication. Talk to your doctor about it. There are dozens of different types, and we can find the one that's just right for you. Anxiety attacks can't be pleasant. If we could help with those even, I think you'd begin to feel a bit better. What do you think?"

"I don't want to be different. I mean, I do… but not in the way pills would make me. I don't like feeling hyper. And I don't want to be a zombie. If I can't even think, I know I'd go completely nuts."

~ 0 ~

Later that night, my brother called through my bedroom door. "Hey, you up?"

I closed the window on my computer and called for him to come in.

"Ed, I just wanted to apologize about earlier. It came out all wrong, y'know? I just want to help you. I never meant to embarrass you, so I'm sorry."

"Rose made you do that, right?" I smirked at him.

His lips curled up into a sideways grin. "She was instrumental in me getting my ass in here the moment I came home, but I did want to say that stuff to you. You do know that Rose and I would go anywhere with you. You don't have to do everything on your own, but stepping away from Mom a little might be a good thing. Will you let me go with you next time?"

"Jazz, you don't have to. You'll just be sitting there, waiting. It's boring. I'll find a way to get Mom to stay away somehow. It just has to be in a way that doesn't hurt her feelings."

"You're hurting mine now! Saying you don't want me to go anywhere with you." Jasper broke into drama queen fake sobs, and I kicked his shin until he stopped. We were both laughing when Rosalie joined us.

The earlier scene was not brought up again, nor did they ask details about my session. The three of us put on some music and acted the songs out, trying to get as many laughs as we could from each other through our antics. There, in my room with only my siblings and our familiar silliness, I felt like I was worth fixing. They always had a way of putting me at ease, making me feel like one of them. I wanted to get better for them. They deserved to have a brother who could behave normally outside of the house.

~ 0 ~

I continued on with weekly sessions with Aro. He insisted on me using his first name, complaining that his title made him feel old. I joked that we'd work on his Peter Pan Complex at some point. It was getting easier to be myself with him. We laughed a lot together. And he let me talk in my own way. He always seemed to know what I was thinking and would guide me to talk it out.

When he discovered I had a fondness for writing, he wasn't surprised. "All of those wondrous thoughts in that head of yours have got to come out somehow!" he enthused. "We've been meeting for a couple of months now, and I feel like I know all about your family and your friends, Bella and Emmett. I'm happy with your decision to switch our focus onto your social anxieties rather than your weight concerns. I think that's more pressing at the moment, and I also think you've made some improvements in that area."

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I really want to do this for my brother and sister. They've got to be tired of babysitting me for the past seventeen years." I watched Aro purse his lips. I had noticed it was something he did when he didn't necessarily agree with something I said. "What?" I challenged.

"Edward…" He stretched my name out and tilted his head. "How many times have we gone over the fact that we are here for you? Our purpose is to make you feel better about yourself, not appease your family members."

"Okay, okay," I relented with a grin. "But making them feel better does make me feel better."

"And that's fine provided you're not hiding away your own wants and needs. You're allowed to have those, too. There is no way you can ever please everyone entirely, so you must do want you can to please yourself. Now, I'd like to know something about what you want."

I hummed, leaning my head back in the recliner I favoured. "I want to be healthier. I hate being sick all the time. My mom worries so much. I kept her from working for so many years, and even though she's working again and I'm able to take care of myself when I'm sick, she worries."

I instantly caught the look he was giving me when I glanced at him.

"Right. I can't want to be healthy for my mom. I have to want to be healthy for me. Got it."

He chuckled. "I keep telling you you're a bright one."

"I think I want to go to college. I never did before. High school is difficult enough for me to get through. I think college would be different. I think I could do it."

"Good! And I agree. You'll be taking courses that you want, not ones that are pre-selected for everyone. What else do you want to do?"

"I want to throw a party for my siblings. Well, help with it. Bella asked if Emmett and I would help her plan it. They'll be eighteen."

He frowned at me in an amicable way. "I'm going to cut you some slack on that one. We'll look at that as social progression rather than you doing something for your brother and sister. Our time's almost up for today. I'd like you to do something for me, Edward. I'd like to know how you see your life, and since you have a fondness for writing, I'd like you to work on a mini autobiography of sorts. Write out all of the important things you'd have everyone and no one know, if you get me. No one will see it except me and you, but I'd like you to write it as though it's an Everything-You-Need-To-Know-About-Edward-Cullen essay. Write it as though we were just meeting and you couldn't speak for whatever reason. Can you do that?"

"I can do that." I grinned broadly. I would much rather write than verbalize anyway.

~ 0 ~

I had The Story of Edward Cullen drafted and cropped for him the next session. He took ten minutes of our session to read through it carefully.

"Thank you, Edward. This tells me a great deal about you. How did you feel writing it?"

"Well, it was an eye-opener for me, I have to admit."

"How so?" he asked gently.

"I tend to look at specific incidents and think it's the worst thing that ever happened to me or I was the biggest idiot I've ever been. Do you know what I mean? Sitting down and writing all of that, I realize that I've always been inadequate. Maybe it's just me. It's just how I'm meant to be. It kind of takes some pressure off, you know? Like, I don't have to worry that I'll do something stupid, because I've done stupid things and I survived, and my family survived. They still love me regardless of how different I am. I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be me."

The usual amusement and kind concern I saw in Aro's eyes was replaced with something else. A sadness I recognized from others who knew me. Fuck. He pitied me now too.

"I don't know if I'm saying that right," I continued on to try to fix it. "I think it was a good exercise for me, because I'm not so afraid to make mistakes now."

"Aren't you?" he challenged softly. "Isn't that what's happening right now? You think you said something wrong – something that upset me – and so now you're trying to fix that."

"Damn. You're good." I aroused a chuckle from him.

"Oh, I know it, dear boy. And someday, you'll know that you're good too. I have a feeling that you're very good at hiding away – if not your entire person, then at least your deepest thoughts. That's our next challenge, I think. I'd like you to have a conversation with someone. It can be anyone you feel comfortable with. But you must express your true feelings in that conversation – your deepest thoughts. Let someone completely in, if only for a moment. Can you do that?"

"I don't know!" I chuckled nervously. "I think I do with you. Does that count?" Aro was certainly the one person who knew me best. I divulged bits about myself to him that no one else knew. Sure, I still kept certain things from him, but they weren't things he needed to know.

"No!" He swiped playfully at my leg with his writing tablet. "That does not count! See what you can do, and we'll discuss it next time."

I left feeling guilty for having omitted a section of my essay that I gave him. Did he know? He always knew when I was hiding something. He had to know that I'd left some things out. It had to be that way. There was no way I would admit to anyone that I was in love with my brother's girlfriend. I may be a horrible person for lying to my therapist, but I was more horrible for coveting someone that wasn't mine to have. No one could know that. No one.

~ 0 ~

"Ed-die, get out of bed-dy!" Rosalie sang into my ear Saturday morning. I grumbled and pulled my pillow over my head. She proceeded to tickle me into submission. Laughing and growling all at once, I pushed her off me and my bed. She landed with a thump.

"I'm going to let you off with that, only because it's your birrrrthday! Happy birthday big brother! Give me some lovin'." She was back up on my bed, hauling me up to throw her arms around me. She smothered me with sisterly kisses and squeezed the heck out of me. "I can't believe you're eighteen! How does it feel?"

"You'll see in a couple of months when I wake you up to torture you."

"Looking forward to it," she sang, not put off by my threat in the least. "Mom's got breakfast ready. She was going to come wake you, but I wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday 'cause I wuv you so very much!" Pinching my cheeks, she cooed at me like I was a baby.

"This is sick, Rose. You have issues. I think you need to take my next appointment with Aro."

She smiled fondly at me as I squirmed out of her hold. "You're doing so great, Edward. I'm really proud of you. I have to ask you something… Jazz thinks we should surprise you, but I know you don't really go for surprises."

My heart thumped as I drew my knees to my chest. "You're right. Go on."

"Emmett had this idea for the five of us to out tonight, after dinner with Mom and Dad, of course. We knew you wouldn't want a party here, but we can't let your big birthday pass without doing something special and fun that doesn't involve Mom wiping your chin."

"Shut up!" I laughed as I shoved her shoulder. "I don't know, Rose. I'd really prefer to just let it pass like any other day. I don't want any fuss. At all. I'm not opposed to hanging out with you guys, but can we just do something here?"

"Here? As in with Mom in the kitchen coming in to check on us every fifteen minutes?"

I shrugged. "I just don't know how comfortable I'd be going out. Aro told me I'm supposed to express my feelings and not put everyone else first."

She messed my hair with both hands as she stood up. "Good for you. I'll tell the gang that our celebration is here. We'll figure something out. It's your birthday, baby!"

I felt pretty good about myself. I had managed to let her know the truth, and she wasn't upset by me ruining her plans. I knew Aro would be pleased, but I doubted if he'd count that as my opening up with someone. I often discussed bits of my therapy plan with my sister.

I did my best to hide my discomfort over all the attention I got from my family. It made them happy to celebrate what they perceived to be a special day. Bella arrived as my parents were leaving for a night out. My ears went on fire as she was witness to them grabbing one last opportunity to hang a neon sign over my head in the form of gushing hugs and birthday wishes. My mom even cried before they left.

"Can I put my stuff in Rose's room?" Bella was spending the night, and it was so like her to just carry on like it was a regular weekend instead of commenting on the exhibition that had just taken place. One of the zillion reasons why I loved her.

"Yeah. She went to pick Emmett up at his cousin's place. He had a couple of drinks. And um, Jazz is in the shower. So…"

She smiled at me. "So… cool. We can hang out until everyone's here. How horrible was the family celebration? Did you have to do silly games and shit?"

Another reason why I loved Bella – I didn't have to pretend that I liked this shit. "Mom took a ton of pictures. This will be forever commemorated with shots of the goiter I'm sporting on my chin." I tipped my head back to point it out. "Ingrown hair. Hurts like a bitch."

"Ouch!" She giggled softly at my dismay. "My mom took me on a girls' day once… made me go to one of those stupid Glamour Shots places where they make you up to look like royalty or a whore."

"Or a royal whore," I suggested with a grin. "Poor you."

She hummed her agreement. "I had a zit on my nose. Right on the tip. They smeared so much makeup on it to cover it up that I looked like I had a blob of putty on my nose. Or one of those big fake warts for Halloween. It was awful."

"Mom hauled out the old photos today. I realized that I've always got a zit for every occasion. Not an outbreak or anything, just one."

"One big one, right? I know! I'm the same! I want to see the pictures, though. Can I?"

I saw no harm in letting Bella look through the albums. She was practically family anyway. "You'll notice that Rosalie never has a flaw in any picture."

"Of course!" Bella laughed as we sat down with the first of the albums.

"Jazz had a bad haircut once. Otherwise, he's always perfect too. It looked like a ridiculously bad perm or a Justin Timberlake 'fro from his 'NSync days."

"Oh, I've got to see that!"

"I don't think that's in this one – it's a bit later than that. I'll see if I can find it."

Bella's hand grabbed my arm to stop me. She had already flipped open the one in front of us. "Oh my god, Edward. Is this you?"

It was a picture of us at a carnival. I was standing watching my siblings buckle into a kiddie ride. The two of them looked like models for a theme park billboard, all smiles and rosy cheeks. "That's me. The pale kid in the corner. Why did you even see me there? The picture is of Rose and Jasper."

She frowned at me. "No, it's the three of you. Why aren't you on the ride with them?"

I chuckled. "If I remember correctly, I'd just barfed. Tilt-A-Whirl. We had it spinning way too fast, and I was in the seat where you get squished. I was not a happy camper."

"You look so small!"

I flipped the page to show a picture of us all standing together at the start of that day. I was notably shorter and skinnier than the twins. "Yep. This is probably one of the only outings that I didn't have a cast, but if you look closely, I believe both knees are ripped open. I was graceful even back then."

She chuckled at my sarcasm. "You're so cute! Oh my god, look! They've got you and Jazz in matching outfits. Too adorable!"

I rolled my eyes. "Mom was on a kick about that for a while. People would think I was a friend tagging along or a distant cousin. She'd get so defensive. I think dressing us alike just made people wonder what the hell that was about. We still didn't look like siblings. I'm clearly from an entirely different gene pool."

"That's cool though, Edward. It makes you unique. So what if you don't look like them? You're still their brother. Oh! Look at the babies! I don't know how Esme did it, having three of you at once. It looks like you're the youngest of them."

"Mm-hmm. The reject?" I used the term she was introduced to me as.

She cringed and closed her eyes. "People can be such assholes. Just because you're not a carbon copy doesn't mean you're not just as beautiful. Look at that hair! You even had the crooked little smile then. So cute, Edward! I love how Rosalie's always hugging you in these early pictures together. You're like her little teddy bear." With the next album finished, she reached for another, and it was my turn to cringe.

"These are the fat years. Well, fatter years. They're gross. I should hide this album. Or cut myself out of the pictures. Rose and Jazz were cute. I was a baby whale."

"Edward! I'm sure you weren't fa – oh my. Okay, well I'm not gonna lie. But you were still cute when you got pudgy! Did you lose the weight when you got taller?"

I stared at her incredulously. "I didn't lose it. I just got taller."

"Whatever. You're not pudgy anymore –"

"Are you serious?" I exclaimed, puffing out my cheeks to match the photos. "I'm all flab."

Bella smiled at me in a way that made my heart pound. She reached over and pinched my waist. "You're a bit squishy, that's all. Makes you more cuddly."

"Who's cuddly?" Rosalie asked, bursting in on our conversation. "Oh, Edward. Yeah, he's super-duper cuddly." To prove her point, she latched on to me.

Emmett gave me an apologetic look as I groaned. "Shit, if I'd known she was going to put you through this, I would've grabbed a beer for you. I think a dude should cease being called cuddly or cute when he hits eighteen. Why can't girls get that?"

"All day, she's been like this. Can we go grab Jasper's ass out of the shower and put a movie on or something?" I was anxious for the attention – any attention – to be off me. Well, I thought I was, until my brother came bounding down the stairs, shirtless and wet. I became aware of every inch of my flab as Bella's eyes drank his toned body in. Fat guys may be cuddly, but it's guys who look like Jasper that get the girls.

After a comedy and some Mario Cart on the Nintendo, we settled in for a scary movie. The couples paired up to watch together as I took the single chair. Even angling it so that I couldn't see my brother stroking Bella's bare arm didn't block my view of them. They were reflected in the TV screen. My stomach was doing flips and my temples were taut, warning me of the onset of a headache. I closed my eyes and tipped the recliner back.

"Look who crashed first," I heard Jasper taunting from his spot on the couch. "I told Mom that clown party this afternoon would be too much."

"Fuck off," I muttered without opening my eyes. "Someone woke me up at an ungodly hour this morning."

Rose started in with her frequent chant of the day, "It's your birthday, baby!"

"I think my birthday's over." I sat up, wiping my eyes. "Thanks everybody. I'm gonna go now." I was glad that there weren't any protests; I truly had had enough. I peeled off my clothes for more comfortable ones to sleep in before heading to my shared bathroom. Images of Bella's smile as she looked at my baby pictures flashed through my mind. Did she really not see me as the ugly duckling of the family? Did she not see the fat I still carried? She had to. She was probably just being nice. I tried to focus in on her smile rather than having an internal pity party for myself. It didn't matter what she thought of me anyway. She's with Jasper.

Returning to my room, I stopped at the doorway when I saw feet on my bed. Girl feet. Tiny ones, with painted toenails. They weren't Rose's feet.

"Hey, I was waiting for you. Hope you don't mind." Bella gave me a little wave. "We all decided to call it a night, but I wanted to see you for a minute."

"Oh." My mind was reeling. That was the best I could come out with.

"Are you coming in?" She giggled as I unfroze and shuffled in. My eyes went from the spot by the window to my bed and then over to my desk chair before darting back to my bed. "Come sit down." Bella patted the side of the bed as she curled her legs underneath herself.

Nervously, I perched on the edge. I felt ridiculous that Bella's presence in my room could make me react this way, but it did. I knew my mind would be filled with all sorts of impossible things when I slept that night. That was so wrong.

"So, I know you don't really like being the centre of attention, but I couldn't let your birthday pass without giving you something. I just thought it would be better to do it on our own rather than in front of everyone. Is this all right?"

"You didn't have to get me anything –"

"I know. It's nothing huge. I saw it a couple of weeks ago, and it made me think of you. I had to get it." She handed me a small, wrapped package. "Happy birthday, Edward."

"Um, thanks." I held it in my hands, hoping they wouldn't tremble any more than they already were.

"Well, open it! I want to explain it, 'cause it seems a little weird."

I chuckled as my fingers shakily tore into the paper. Inside the box was a small velvet bag. I took it out and held it up questioningly.

"Look inside!" Bella waved her hands, encouraging me to get on with it. The moment the item was out of the bag, she broke into explanation. "Okay, so it's a malachite stone. Weird, right? I could have put it on a chain or a bracelet, but I figured you wouldn't wear it. That's not really a guy thing. But it's all right on a keychain, right? Or whatever. You can just tuck it in a drawer if you want. The thing is, when I saw it, I immediately pictured your eyes. It's the exact colour. Same green, with tiny little specks of gold. It's like it was meant for you. It's the only one that had the gold specks."

I rolled the little stone in my hand, examining it. My eyes? Bella had noticed my eye colour? Not just that they were green, but the gold bits?

"When I found out its meaning, I knew it was meant for you. It's for emotional balance and promotes change and prosperity. It's a transformation stone that protects you from negativity." Her eyes lowered as she twisted the tie on the little bag. "I'm not saying that you need to change, because I like you just how you are. I just wish that you liked yourself better. That's what I would change. You're very hard on yourself. I wish you could see yourself as I do."

I was speechless. This was the most meaningful gift I'd ever received. I stared at the stone, seeing my eyes in it. I tried to see the beauty in it that she did. I could see it in the stone, but definitely not in me.

"Edward?" Her voice was soft as she placed her hand on my wrist. "Have I upset you?"

"No… I…" My throat closed over, and I risked a glance at her. I shouldn't have. I held up a finger, and just like Aro, she waited for me to be able to communicate my thoughts. She waited. "Shit." I finally managed to get out. "I think I might cry."

Instead of sobbing, I chuckled. If nothing else, I had learned to laugh at myself just as well as others did. "Thank you, Bella. You didn't upset me. This is… this is thoughtful. Everything about it, even how you gave it to me… is thoughtful. Thank you."

She sat smiling at me, not looking like she was going anywhere even though the gift had been given and explained. It suddenly felt awkward again. I knew I should say something, but what?

"I'm making you uncomfortable, aren't I?" Bella… so attuned to my emotions. "Why is that?"

Aro popped into my head at that moment. He was telling me to let someone in. I took a deep breath. Could I? Could I let Bella in? "I'm not used to this," I explained quietly. "I go way beyond the typical definition of loner. I've never had a friend."

Instead of calling bullshit or scoffing at me, Bella remained deep in thought. "Eighteen years of loneliness is enough, Edward. You do have a friend. I'm so happy that you think of me that way, because you are really special to me. You don't have to be alone."

I gave her a half-assed smile. "It's more comfortable that way. Honestly."

"You don't want to be friends?"

Here we go, Aro. I hope you're right about this! "It scares me. A little… um… a lot, actually. People make their judgements about me based on appearance, and that's one thing. If I let someone really know me and they react like everyone else does, that would kill me. I'm not very stable."

"I think you are," she countered without hesitation. "I think you're very strong. I don't know anyone else who could keep all that you do to themselves for this length of time." She smiled broadly. "I feel so special to have the privilege of really knowing you. Best of all, I get to make everyone jealous by being the only girl to ever win your friendship. I won't ever abuse it, Edward. I won't make you regret opening up to me this way. I swear."

"You might regret it though," I taunted.

"Never."

The seriousness of her vow is what kept me from falling apart after she went to my sister's room for the night. I knew she would never hurt me. Not intentionally.

A/N ~ Have I mentioned how thrilled I am to have you all along with me on this one? Loving your comments. :-) Also loving my fix-up and support crew, msj and Shug. *mwah*

I want to reiterate that this is told from Edward's perspective. Anyone who knows a thing about anxiety issues knows that a person's perception can be very skewed from reality. In short, the people in Edward's life do not see him the way he sees himself. I want to give him a shake and firm talking-to, but he's got to believe in himself before he'll trust other's views. Thanks for reading! XX ~ SR