True Love Way

Chapter 7

Upstairs, Bella took me into a room, closing the door behind us. I looked around at the mix of personal items. There was a big stuffed dog sitting in a chair in the corner, posters of Kurt Cobain and the album cover for 'Nevermind'. There was also the oddest looking plant on the window sill.

"This was your room?"

Bella smiled at me, pink flooding her cheeks. "Was and is. I didn't change anything when I moved back. You're the first boy I've ever had in my room." She giggled and squeezed her eyes shut. "Is it really horrible? From a guy's perspective?"

I shook my head. My heart pounded from the knowledge that Jasper hadn't been in here with her during his visit. "Not at all. I didn't realize you were a long-time grunge fan. What's your dog's name?"

"Pooks. Pooks the Pooch." She picked him up and hugged him as a little girl would. "Gran gave me this when my mom messed up. She brought home a real dog – a puppy – when we first moved here. I guess she thought it would make me miss Dad less or something, I don't know. I fell in love with him immediately, but he had to go. Gran is highly allergic. She felt horrible about the whole thing."

"Your mom didn't know?"

Bella shrugged. "My mom forgets a lot of details. Pretty much anything that doesn't pertain specifically to her. Same reason why she thought you were Jasper. She's seen pictures of Jazz – and you. Pictures of all of you. I talk about all of you all the time. Kate knows who each of you are. Mom's a different story. I'm really sorry about that. I hope you didn't feel too awkward."

Aro's repeated teachings of being forthright let me speak my truth. "It was awkward only because I knew you'd be disappointed that I wasn't Jazz."

She tried to smile for me, but the truth was told in her eyes. They were sad. Lonely. Hurt. "Why didn't he come?"

The moment of truth. Do I stand by my brother – the very guy who'd been there by my side my whole life – or do I tell the absolute truth? In the end, I figured that would hurt her more so I came out with a version of Jasper's truth, honouring my devotion to both of them. "He has a really important presentation first thing Monday. Couldn't risk missing it or he'd blow the whole term. He really wanted to be here for you." I watched one single tear roll down her cheek as she nodded. "And Rose was packed the day we found out, but she got hit by this stomach thing. She sent a package for you. I don't know what it is, but it's in my car. Mom sent some baked stuff, too. There's a lot of it. It was supposed to be for after the funeral… but I was late."

That got a brighter smile. Bella wiped the tear from her chin. "Even better. I'll share it with Kate and Garrett. More for us. I miss Esme. I miss all of you… so much." Tears pooled again, and she growled in frustration. "I'm really sick of crying! Cheer me up, Edward. Tell me what you've been up to. You look really great. Different – but great. I think college agrees with you."

"I don't know," I mumbled shyly. "I really like it, definitely. I think what you're seeing is more of Emmett's efforts than college, though. He's got me going to the gym."

"No!" Bella's eyes widened with her grin. "Kicking and screaming?"

I laughed. "Kind of. In the beginning. I actually like it now. I've lost about forty pounds."

"I can tell." Bella tilted her head, taking my new form in. It made me feel self-conscious. No one had really commented on my weight loss since they saw me every day and it was gradual.

"I like spending time with Emmett. He's a good guy."

"He is. Rosalie tells me how close you've gotten. I'm really happy about that."

I nodded, stuffing my hands in my pockets as I stared at the strange plant. Why was it so easy to write long-ass emails and talk for an hour on the phone? I felt like I had nothing to say now that I was here.

"Edward, you look like you're about to fall over. Lie down for a bit. You've got to be so tired."

"I didn't come here to sleep, Bella." I smirked at her. "I came for you. What do you need? What can I do? I feel so helpless. I don't even know if it's possible to feel better right now, but I can't stop wanting you to. And you probably want to be with your family."

Cocking an eyebrow at me, as she'd done a thousand times before, she hauled me over to her bed. "I'm right where I want to be at the moment, thank you. Now lie down. I'll just sit here with you, because seeing you makes me feel better. And even thinking of being downstairs with my mother just makes me angry."

I obeyed. "Okay. I take it you don't want to talk about your family."

"I don't want to talk about Mom. The others are fine. You were great with Tanya, by the way. Kate, too. You seem so much more confident. Still seeing Aro?"

I nodded as I let out a big yawn. "Not often. I mean, I can anytime I want to, but I don't feel like I need him so much now. I guess he was worth the money." Truthfully, the only thing he hadn't made any progress with was the whole killing my birth mother thing, and that was hopeless. No amount of money in the world could provide someone who could make me feel differently about that. The most I could do was try to be the best person I could, and when it was all over, hope that I'd done well enough to make Elizabeth want to meet me in the afterlife. Maybe I'd even do well enough that she'd forgive me.

Bella leaned back against the headboard, her hand resting on my head. "I think it's an investment your parents don't mind in the least. A content Edward is worth anything."

Her fingers twirled in my hair as she spoke softly. The sound of her voice and the gentle movements were soothing. I hadn't even realized how tired I actually was until I'd lain down. Content was certainly what I was feeling. Travel wariness settled in, and the absolute comfort Bella could provide me with took over my purpose of being here. I was with Bella. Bella was with me. It seemed surreal and yet her touch was very real. The sense of calm between us was also real. This feeling was something I could never achieve by merely thinking of her, or by being with her in my dreams at night.

It seemed like a dream when I woke some hours later. It was dark, and for a brief moment, I had no idea where I was. Then I felt her breath against my neck. Bella was curled up beside me, on top of her bed. I'd prevented her from actually getting in bed, under the covers, but before she had fallen asleep, she had covered us both with a soft blanket. I was still fully clothed, of course. I had no idea if Bella was also. All I knew was that her arm was slung over my chest, and just like earlier, my shirt was fisted in her hand. I could feel her knees pressed against me. Her head rested on the same pillow as mine, but it was angled downward as she slept on her side. The sensation of her warm breath on my skin lulled me back to sleep as I prayed that it wasn't all a dream after all.

~ 0 ~

"You're cute when you sleep."

The voice wasn't a surprise. I'd actually been awake for several minutes, still feeling her near, but for some reason afraid to open my eyes. I risked opening one. I could see a little better if I only used one eye when my glasses were off.

"Ha! I knew you weren't asleep! Faker!" Bella bolted up, slapping at me playfully.

I rubbed at my eyes before opening both of them. Damn. She wasn't exactly dressed… she wasn't undressed, but I hadn't seen her like this before. She had slept in a tank top and what looked remarkably like men's boxers. No bra. My eyes closed again by reflex, and I turned onto my side, drawing my knees up so she wouldn't detect the reaction one blurry glimpse of her had caused. "What time is it?"

"Um… ten-something? Around there."

"Shit," I groaned. "I came all this way just to sleep with you." She tittered beside me as I slapped a hand on my forehead. "You know what I mean… I'm sorry. You shouldn't have let me sleep so much. Now I've wasted all our time together."

Bella sat crossed-legged beside me, free of all blankets. "You needed the sleep. And I need food! I couldn't eat yesterday. Now I'm starving. Why don't you take a shower while I fix us some breakfast?"

"I should be making you breakfast, Bella," I whined unintentionally. This whole coming to help Bella in her time of need thing was backfiring. She'd done nothing but take care of me since I'd arrived.

"Don't argue with me. I haven't argued face-to-face with a Cullen in a long time, and if I start now, you'll take the brunt of it for every Cullen. I brought your bag in last night. It's over there by Pooks. Glasses are right beside you on the table. Come down whenever you're ready."

"Bella!" I called out as she reached the door. I sat up and put my glasses on. Fuck. Mistake. If she'd looked good with shitty sight, she was better than a centerfold to me now. "Does your mom know… is it all right that I'm here?"

She shook her head at me as she laughed. "You worry too much. It's fine. See you downstairs."

I was amazed by how together Bella was. Just fourteen hours earlier when I'd arrived, she'd looked tired and pale – utterly worn out. And lonely. The spark was relit this morning. She was the same girl I'd fallen for two years ago. The constant smile and glint of amusement in her eyes. God, I'd missed her. And I'd miss her even more now that I'd had another dose.

I could smell bacon and coffee when I made my way down the stairs after I'd showered and dressed. I heard the radio come on, and Bella singing along.

"Bye-bye, love. Bye-bye happiness… hel-lo loneliness. I feel like I could cry-y…"

It immediately put a smile on my face, but it dropped when I got to the doorway. Renee was at the table in a ratty old housecoat, her head in her hands. "Bella. Stop."

She sang louder.

"BELLA, STOP!" Renee shouted. "Don't do this."

Bella slammed the pan down on the stove as she drained the bacon grease. "It's Gran's favourite! Not that you'd know –"

"I'm aware of that. Why do think I'm asking you to stop?"

"Oh, maybe because your hangover is putting you in a bitch of a mood today?"

"Bella, this is not the time. I've just buried my mother!"

All of the happiness in Bella's face from earlier was gone, her sing-along ruined. With slumped shoulders, she turned back to the stove and hummed along sadly to the Everly Brothers' song. I didn't know what to do with myself. I wished I'd been six feet back and I could simply go back upstairs, wait it out and re-enter as though I hadn't witnessed anything. But I wasn't. So I cleared my throat and walked into the kitchen slowly.

"Good morning," I said, not too cheerily or loud.

Renee's scowl turned into a grin. "Good morning, Edward. We were just making some breakfast."

I looked over at Bella rolling her eyes and gave her a smile. "Why don't you stay where you are, and I'll help Bella finish up."

"Can you do toast?" she asked, stepping over so she was practically leaning on me.

"I can manage toast, sure."

"Can you handle absentee mothers who try to take over late in life?" she whispered, drawing a chuckle out of me. We finished up breakfast together in comfortable silence.

Bella made some excuse for us dashing out as soon as we finished eating, and we headed back to the park we'd been on our first walk, bringing Tanya along. Bella and I sat on the swings of the deserted park, watching Tanya go up and down the slide.

"You handled small talk with Renee very gracefully this morning. Thank you for that. Kept her off my back."

I chuckled, dragging the toes of my shoes in the sand beneath my swing. "Want me to take her with me when I go?"

"Would you? Yeah, that'd be great!" Bella teased back.

"I'd rather take you."

I regretted blurting that out the moment Bella's swing stopped. Looking over at her, she had her face buried in her hands.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I shouldn't have said that."

"It's not you," Bella argued, still burying her face. "I'm just so emotional. God, I hate this… I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. It changes from one minute to the next –"

"That's expected. You're dealing with a lot."

"Edward! You have to… just give me a minute, okay?"

I sat completely still in a position that allowed me to watch both Bella next to me, and Tanya playing across the playground.

"Thank you – for waiting. I'm okay now."

"Sure," I responded quietly. More than anyone, I knew what it was like to be overloaded with emotion and just need silence to get my thoughts together. I decided to go further and let her set the new pace. It was several minutes before she said anything else.

"She can do this for hours," Bella announced lazily. "We may be awhile."

"I should be thinking of heading out soon."

Twisting the chains on her swing, she turned sideways to face me as she grabbed onto my swing. "What if I asked you to stay?"

I stared at her dumbly. I didn't want to make the same mistake I had when I thought she was asking me to go to Phoenix with her in the first place.

"Sorry. Shit! I can't stop doing the wrong thing! I have no right to ask you that. You've got classes finishing up this week too –"

"I don't," I assured her. "My college has a different schedule. I don't have any tests coming, and I can get missed assignments. Em will catch me up. Do you want me to stay another day?"

I don't know how she managed to look so freaking happy and utterly sad at the same time, but she did as she nodded enthusiastically.

"Okay then. Tanya sure makes that slide look like fun. Wanna try?"

I got another nod, so I stood up and attempted to untangle her chain but only made it worse. I cursed under my breath, halting the motion to allow it to unravel on its own as she twisted around and around. By the end, she was laughing again. And dizzy. She fell against me as she stood up.

"Are you drunk, Ms Swan?" I teased as she clung to me yet again.

"I have a child I'm responsible for at the moment. I can't get drunk."

I huffed as I steadied her. "Lucky I'm here then. I'll just have to take care of both of you."

Bella plunked herself down on the ground to watch Tanya chasing me around the slide and monkey bars. I let her catch me and then hung her on the bars, my hands gripping her at the waist while she giggled and screeched. I figured I was doing an okay job of entertaining her by the way Bella laughed from the side. I honestly had no idea what to do with a kid. Tanya took it from there. The moment I set her feet back on the ground, she began tugging me towards the slide. I proceeded up the steps as she pushed on my ass with both hands. Bella laughed at my affronted expression and keeled over when I zipped down the slide, landing in the dirt at the bottom.

"I now see how you broke your arm bowling!"

"Shush. I told you I don't have luck with these things." I laughed along with her when she extended her hand to help me up. "Nothing's broken at least – except my pride."

"Watch me, Edward! This is how you do it!" Tanya had no problem sliding down and landing on her feet for about the hundredth time in the hour. "Come with me. I'll show you!"

Bella nodded with a smirk. "She'll take care of you, don't worry."

"This is how Daddy taught me," Tanya told me, as though she was about to teach me the meaning of life. She took my hand and sat down at the top of the slide. "Now go behind me, 'cause you're big like Daddy." I did as I was told, because what else was there to do? I couldn't slide, but this five-year-old was willing to school my ass. "Hold on tight, Edward!"

She pushed off with her hands, and we flew down together. In the two-point-five seconds it took to reach the bottom, I did a rapid prayer not to injure her. We landed safely – both of us – with our feet on the ground and asses still on the slide. Tanya stood beaming at me while Bella clapped for us.

"Now it's your turn."

Bella took her little hand immediately and headed over to the slide. "Step aside, Crash, we're pros, and I don't want you to get hurt!"

Their dismount was astounding, both landing upright with a little bounce. I bowed at their excellence.

"Your turn again!" Tanya smiled up at me.

"Yeah, I think I could do this again. Let's go." The second time went even better, and when we stood this time, Bella was rushing to the ladder.

"Come on, Cullen. It's our turn!"

I laughed as I climbed up after her. "Um, I'm not saying that your butt's big or anything, but it is larger than Tanya's, and I don't think this is gonna work." Yeah, there was no way my legs could fit around hers without some very intimate contact.

Bella scoffed, and managed some sort of gymnastic move to elevate herself above the slide so I could fit. "You're not as big as you think. I keep telling you that. Sit."

Once again, I did as I was told. My ass was hanging mostly off the top step, but I needed to leave room for Bella to sit in front of me.

"Skooch!"

"Skooch?"

"Move up! Quick! I can't hold this position forever!"

I skooched, and Bella sat. On my lap… sort of. Her legs were inside mine, but her butt was…

"Here we go! Hang on!"

Best two-point-five seconds of my life!

~ 0 ~

Renee wasn't home when we returned, so Bella took two-thirds of my mom's goodies, and we took them and Tanya next-door. Kate and Garrett insisted we have dinner with them. I wasn't used to dinner at 4:30, but I wasn't going to be rude. Once I began eating, I realized that I'd built up quite a hunger playing in the park. I started laughing while four faces looked on in wonder.

"Sorry, I was just thinking that this was the first time I actually played in a park – on park equipment. Tanya is quite coercive."

"They don't have parks in Washington?" Kate asked with amusement.

"Sure. Just none that are equipped for me. I stayed clear of those things no matter how much my brother and sister tried to get me out there. They'd even bribe me."

Kate and Garrett laughed, Bella smiled, but her eyes fell to her plate. Damn. I'd brought up Jasper again without even thinking. I refrained from further chatter so I wouldn't upset her more.

I helped Kate clear the table when we finished and began rinsing off the plates.

"Would you two want to keep me and Tanya company for a little while before you go? Garrett has to leave for work."

That would explain the mid-afternoon meal. "He works nights?"

"Rotating shifts. He's a prison guard. He was going to call in to stay home with us, but then Renee went out so he felt better about leaving us. Sometimes my sister can be tough to deal with. We don't need that right now."

I was astounded by how forthcoming she was.

"You know how she can be – you're Bella's best friend. I'm sure you hear all about it."

Several things happened at that moment: I became very aware of all the times Bella mentioned her mom in our talks, but I'd never fully grasped how I'd never heard her talk about her with others. And, Kate was under the impression that I was her niece's best friend – not Rosalie, not Jasper – me. I was Bella's best friend.

"Bella hangs out with us most evenings anyway, until it's time to talk to some Cullens." Kate smiled broadly at me. "I figure having you here in person is better. I know it's doing a world of good for Bella. She's been strong – for Gran and all – but now that she's really gone… I don't know how she's going to deal with Renee. I'll be here with her, of course. But, gosh, she really needed a friend right now. I haven't seen her smile like this… This is good. Very good." Kate rubbed my arm affectionately and wiped away some tears as she chuckled and mumbled to herself as she busied her hands with the remaining dishes. If I wasn't so stunned, I may have teared up as well.

Once Garrett left for his shift, we took slices of one of Esme's pies out to the back patio to enjoy the cool evening air. Tanya coerced me into a match of The Memory Game – Barney Edition. Not having played with a child before, I didn't realize you were supposed to let them win. I didn't have a clue what any of the little pictures on the tiles were, but having a lifetime of experience in observing, I cleaned her clock on the first game.

"Guess the marriage is off," Bella teased when she pouted over the loss. She then pinched Tanya's calf with her toes, starting a new game of their own. I watched in amazement as the three of them had a playful toe-pinch battle – that is, until Bella turned her attack on me.

"Ouch!" I exclaimed in shock. "That actually hurts!"

Kate and her daughter laughed at me. "He's soft. If you'd really displayed our family talent, he'd be used to that."

"I've only seen her annihilate marshmallows," I countered. "She's never turned against me before."

"Pinch back!" Tanya encouraged me eagerly.

I felt my ears heating up as I shook my head, denying her request. "No… I can't…"

Bella rescued me from further embarrassment and harassment from Tanya by saying we had to go. I did plan to hit the road early the next day, and I had to be well-rested before making the journey back home. Once back at Gran's, Bella suggested we go straight upstairs. She didn't want to encounter her mom if and when she came home.

I removed Pooks from the chair and took a seat, smirking. "This way, if I doze off, I'm not keeping you from your bed. Um, where should I sleep tonight?"

"Right here," Bella responded without hesitation. "I want to have every minute I can with you." She tried to hide the fact that her eyes had welled up again, but it was pointless. "I'm sorry. It's just all hitting me now. Kate and I have had a lot of talks about this – how you've got to pay attention to the details in life while you can. It's so easy to get caught up in life… school, work, family. And you don't see what you have right in front of you. I missed the last of Gran's best days. This disease took her so fast."

I sat forward in the chair when she paused to blow her nose. I wanted her to continue. She needed to get this out.

"You so don't need this." Her voice was muffled behind the tissue. "This is more than you bargained for, right?"

I shook my head, replying, "I'm here for whatever you need."

She smiled, closing her eyes. She inched up and turned so her back was against the wall. I had a view of her profile, and I took those moments to study and memorize every detail of it. She was beautiful, even when she was blotchy and sad. "You're so sincere. I hope nothing ever changes you. But honestly, if I get too much for you, or I'm annoying you, or you need to go to sleep, just tell me to shut the fuck up."

Chuckling, I shook my head. "Never. You're one of a very few people I enjoy talking to. No matter what the subject matter. I'll listen to anything you want to say."

She quirked one eyebrow my way. "You may regret that."

"Never," I reiterated.

"Gran was more like my mom, growing up. I don't mean she was like Renee, I mean she was more of a mother to me than a grandmother. She took care of me, even when Mom made one of her brief reappearances into my life. But she was more than a mother figure; she was my friend and mentor. She told me awesome stories, taught me so much about life and people. The one thing she hoped for more than anything with me is that I wouldn't run off like my mom did. Renee used that against me to get me home. She told me I was being just like she was when she met my dad. Nothing was more important to her than Charlie… not even her family. It broke Gran's heart when she told her she was pregnant at eighteen. And that she was marrying my dad and staying in Washington. She knew it wouldn't work out for them. My mom has always been impulsive. I couldn't break her heart too, by staying there for Jasper."

Her voice had dwindled to almost a whisper. It killed me that I felt jealous every time she said my brother's name, but it killed me more that she was hurting so much.

"You're not your mother, Bella. You did what you needed to for yourself, and for Gran. If it's worth anything, I think you made the right choice. My mom's worked with some Alzheimer's patients, and she says some of them remember particular things very clearly while common things are just gone from their reach. I know you must have been just as important to Gran as she was to you."

That's when she lost it. Full sobs and forceful tears. Her whole body shook as she hugged her knees and wept. I felt helpless and completely heartless sitting there in the chair while she broke down. I stood. I wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans and then shoved them in my pockets. Then I pulled them out and started to reach for her, instead pulling them back to run through my hair. I think I groaned in my frustration. Probably uttered a whispered curse too.

"I'm making this so uncomfortable for you," Bella said with a heavy sigh.

"No… it's just, I don't know what to do. Do you want me to –" I held my arms out to her and then dropped them quickly, doubting that was what she wanted at all.

Looking up at me with huge, tortured eyes, she nodded and held her own arms out. The connection wasn't graceful. I rushed to her, half falling off the edge of the bed as I tried to grab her and sit at the same time. I then tried standing, bending to hug her, but that was no better. She knelt on the bed, arms around my neck and her head on my shoulder. I lifted her off, setting her down on the floor gently. My heart pounded as she stared up into my eyes. I felt like our souls were connected. I could feel every bit of her pain and sadness, and only wished I could absorb it all for her. At least, I was here to share it with her.

I began singing an old song I thought she'd know, very softly, "When I want you, in my arms… when I want you, and all your charms…"

A smile grew on her face and she sang the next line. "Whenever I want you, all I have to do is drea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream…"

We started swaying gently back and forth, her hands locked behind my neck, and mine gripping her waist. "When I feel blue, in the night…"

"And I need you, to hold me tight…"

"Whenever I want you…" We alternated lines, and then sang together. It was bittersweet and so very telling on my end. I don't know why I'd chosen that particular Everly Brothers' song, but it seemed like the right thing for the moment. It connected us even further. She knew I understood her pain, and understanding was about the only thing I could do for her.

There seemed to be an electrical current coursing between us as we stood silently staring into each other's eyes. It actually hurt when she released me, cutting off the contact as she returned to her bed. She slid over and directed me to sit beside her, back to the wall. Then, she was in my arms again. Cuddled up against me like a little girl – a heartbroken and scared little girl. It didn't take long to acclimate myself to this new routine between us. She felt right in my arms. Time seemed to freeze for us as the tension vanished from our bodies. I was where I needed to be – where she needed me to be. Everything felt right.

She began talking to me again from our relaxed hold on each other. Her head was nestled between my cheek and shoulder, so her soft voice seemed very intimate as she poured her heart out. "Jasper wants me to come back to Washington. He's going to move to Seattle next year. Go to UW like we'd planned."

I didn't respond. I knew part of Jasper's moodiness was related to his own deferred plans for school. I had never understood why he didn't continue on with his own plans even when Bella chose Phoenix.

"I'm torn. I had always thought I'd transfer if I didn't have a reason to be here anymore." Her voice dropped lower with fresh pain of her loss coursing through her. "Mom wants to sell the house."

"She's talking about that already?" I interjected in shock.

Bella snorted softly. "Yeah. Gran wasn't even in the ground when she had the deed in her hand. Kate was beyond pissed. I've never seen her so angry. I guess the emotions were just so raw… but she tore into Mom like never before. You know how I said that Gran's been more like a mother to me? Well, Katie is more like a big sister to me. We have fun together and share stuff, but she looks out for me. Kinda like you and Rose. Hearing her rip my mother a new one for being so anxious to run out on me again really surprised me. It's weird, because I'm beyond needing my mom for anything at this point. I'm an adult with my own life. I've got this far without her, so what does it matter?

"When Katie laid it all out, pointing out how irresponsible she's been her whole life, it opened my eyes. Sure, Kate has Garrett and Tanya, but that's all she has left of family besides me. She can't count on her sister for anything. I know she's torn up about the thought of someone else owning the house we grew up in. It's just too soon to even bring that up. But she sees it like my mom is deserting me again, this time leaving me completely homeless."

"You're not though. You'll always have your dad."

I felt Bella's head nod her understanding. "I know. But that's my mom making my decisions for me once again. Forcing me to alter my life, yet again. I don't know what I want to do, Edward. I just don't know. It's tearing me up. I love Katie and Tanya. Garrett's like a brother to me. I hate leaving them. I feel like I'd be leaving Gran, too. I feel her in every inch of this house. If I leave it, I'm scared that she'll leave me. Do you understand?"

I fought the lump in my throat to respond. "You can't think of what other people want you to do, Bella. My parents have spent a lot of money for a guy to get this one message through to me, and I'm gonna share it with you – you cannot live your life for other people. You won't find happiness being what others want you to be. Live for yourself, Bella. Trust yourself. And have faith that the people who truly are important will stick by you no matter what."

"Aro's pretty smart. And so are you," she whispered before planting a kiss on my jaw. "Thank you, Edward. That's the best advice you've ever given me, and there's been lots of it."

This time, Bella fell asleep before I did. We had slid down in the bed, but otherwise, our positions remained the same. I spent hours in the darkness thinking of all the advice she had given me since she'd come into my life. I'd always thought it was unbalanced – she had helped me far more than she would ever know. Yet, I had a whole new sense that somehow, without even knowing it, I had done something for her too. I had made a difference just by being myself. Just by loving her as best I could.

~ 0 ~

It was still dark when Bella walked me to my car. I had managed to get a few hours of very solid sleep after she had finally settled down. She had slept fitfully at first, twitching and moaning in her slumber. This morning, she still had dark circles under her eyes, but they were bright. The look of turmoil she'd had the previous night was gone.

"You sure you had enough sleep?"

"I'm great, yeah."

"I can fix you breakfast before you go."

"I'll grab something when I stop for coffee in a while. Thanks, though."

"Be careful driving. Call me to let me know you're home safe. Call me along the way, actually. I'm going to worry about you."

I smiled at her shyly and nodded my agreement.

"Thanks for coming here, Edward. And staying."

"Yeah. No problem."

This extended goodbye was torturous. And awkward. After spending hours nestled together, it seemed I should grab her up one last time, yet outside in the real world the sense that it was wrong of me to want that returned.

"So, give my love to… everyone."

"Sure. I will. Say goodbye to Kate and everyone for me."

"Your future wife." She went with teasing. I got the feeling she felt the awkwardness too.

I chuckled at her joke.

"Oh! Wait here. I forgot something!" She tore off up the driveway and into the house, returning moments later with the strange little plant from the window in her room.

She hugged the little pot and smiled up at me. "Gran had a mad love for cacti… as you can tell." We both took in the landscaping in her front yard, filled with various cacti. "Remember you said that sometimes Alzheimer's patients recall things that are really important to them? Apparently, Gran had a White Ghost Cactus in her yard when she was a little girl. It was her favourite. I found this baby one for her just before her fall. It went to the hospital with her. I want you to have it."

No mouth gaped open. "N-no! I… I can't… I can't take this," I stammered. "You should have it, Bella. It's important to you."

"You really don't have a clue, do you?" she asked in a strangely low voice.

"Generally speaking, no. No, I really don't."

She laughed and sobbed simultaneously as she hugged me with one arm. The other held the little cactus plant away from us so we would be pricked by it. "You're important to me, Edward. You. Please take it. Gran would approve. Every time I think of her, I'll think of you and vice versa. She would want…" A sharp sob cut her off. "It should be with you. It's what she would want."

"Okay," I said softly, conceding and accepting the gift.

"It's what I want." Bella stared up at me with her hand holding onto the back of my neck.

"Okay," I whispered in a hoarse voice, all other words completely wiped from my vocabulary.

"Sometimes I think –" Bella stopped herself, closing her eyes for a moment. "I wonder if I made the wrong choice. I wonder if I'm with the wrong brother."

I pulled away from her abruptly, backing myself against my car. The pot almost dropped from my hand, it was shaking so badly. "Don't say that, Bella." This was wrong… this was so very wrong…

Her lip quivered before she clapped her hands over her mouth. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never should have –"

"Forget it. It's fine. We'll just forget it. I should go, though. Really."

She nodded, her hands still over her mouth as tears flowed down her cheeks and over them. "I've ruined it."

I set my cactus down on the roof of my car and took her hands in mine. Our fingers threaded together and locked that way. "You've ruined nothing, Bella. You're my best friend. You'll always be my best friend."

"You're holding my hands," she uttered in awe, staring at our new physical link. "You've never let me touch your hands this way."

"I've never let anyone touch my hands this way," I replied softly. "You're important to me too, Bella. I want you to know that."

"Best friends?" She smiled up at me, her lip still quivering.

"Best friends."

Five miles from her house, I pulled into a vacated lot of a strip mall. I threw open my car door and heaved violently, the sickness coming even before the anxiety attack. My entire body shook and broke out in sweat as I fought for air. Why did she say that? Why? I'd messed with her emotions by coming here instead of Jasper. She was confused. She wasn't thinking clearly. I knew how that was, and I fully understood how it was to blurt out inappropriate things, but why did she have to say that? It changed everything. I could no longer pretend that my private longing for my brother's girlfriend wasn't hurting anyone. I'd been tempted, for the briefest moment, to kiss her… to tell her that she was right. She had chosen the wrong brother. I wanted to tell her that I loved her more than any man would ever love her. I always had. Over the months and months of adoring her in my own way, I had convinced myself it had nothing to do with Jasper, but it did. It had everything to do with him. I could never tell the girl he loved that I was better for her. Even if it was true.

Aro had worked on me enough to see that it was true. I believed it in my heart and soul.

But Jasper was my brother. Brothers were always brothers. Brothers didn't hurt each other this way. As much as the felt the pain searing through my body in the empty lot, I knew it would be much worse if I hurt Jasper. This hurt worse than the beating I'd taken defending my sister. I had to defend my brother from myself.

A/N ~ As always, thanks to Shug for fixing me up. And msj for lifting me up. :) Those who've taken the time to leave a comment, I heart you. Thanks for reading. See you next week. XX ~ SR