A/N ~ Welcome to bonus update, at a new time! (cue fanfare... or not) Annoyingly, I keep falling asleep during writing time, soooooo I'm updating now, on the fly. We'll see how this goes. Enjoy, and I'll chat more at the end. Blah, blah, blah. On with it!
True Love Way
Chapter 9
"What?" I scrunched up my face as though I thought my sister was insane for thinking I was in love with Bella. I dropped my sweats in a pile on the floor and kicked my door shut.
"You heard me, Edward," she said softly. "How long have you been in love with her? Since Phoenix?" Understanding flashed over her face. "No. It's longer than that. That's why you went to her."
"She needed someone, Rose. That's all. I was simply helping her deal with the death of her grandmother."
Rose tugged me by the wrists, pulling me to sit with her on my bed. "Honey, talk to me."
"About what?" I groaned, rolling my eyes. "Look, I'm sorry about what happened downstairs. All right? I'll apologize to Jasper for going off on him."
"You won't mean it," she stated.
I smirked at her. "Nope. He deserved every word. I went to see Chief Swan today. Bella wants nothing to do with any of us. Still think I shouldn't have said anything to our brother?"
Tears pooled in her eyes as she realized she wouldn't be getting any responses to her calls either. "This sucks. Why couldn't he have just gone to Phoenix to talk things out? Or wait for Bella to come home?"
"He's in love with Alice," I blurted.
Rosalie snorted. "Well, I know there's an attraction. Love? Doubt it."
"That's what he told Bella."
Her face registered her shock. "No! Ah, fuck. Do you think he…?"
"Cheated on her? I don't know. I don't want to know. If I know that he did, I'd want to kill him." That was the God's honest truth.
"And you still say you're not in love with her?" she asked teasingly. "I never thought I'd see the day where you disagreed with anything Jasper said or did. This is serious."
I opened my mouth to deny it again. Nothing came out. I closed it, turning my head away from her watchful eye.
"Honey, this is between you and me. It stays right here. I won't say a word to anyone… not Jasper, not Emmett. I know this is eating you up. I need you to be okay. Talk to me, please."
Much like when Aro had drawn it out from me, I exploded with a bunch of half sentences and poor excuses. "She's perfect, Rose. I've never known anyone… She treats me like… She makes me want to be better. She never asks… She doesn't expect anything! From anyone! She's smart. And funny. And she gets me." Rose stroked my back as the words spewed out. It didn't end with that.
"I'll never have that kind of friendship with anyone else. She's just different. She used to look at me – really look at me. No one has ever looked at me that way. It's like she saw inside me. She didn't treat me special – she treated me equal – and that made me feel special. Even when she moved, and I couldn't see her. She's always had a way of making me feel special, which is astounding because she's the most amazing person I'll ever know. And she says I'm her best friend."
"But it's more," Rosalie urged gently.
"No. Not for her, anyway. That's what I am to her. A friend. That's all. She doesn't see me the way I see her. She sees Jazz… well, she used to see him the way I see her…"
"Ah, shit, Edward. All this time… God, it must have been so painful for you!"
"I don't care." My eyes burned with the hot tears filling them. My head screamed at me, 'LIAR!' I did care. I knew the pain of rejection, and the last thing I wanted was for Bella to feel it too. That was worse. "It doesn't matter anyway. She didn't want me that way. She only wanted Jazz. And he broke her heart, Rose. He fucking broke her heart! I never would have hurt her like this."
My sister pulled me against her as the tears rolled from my eyes and my voice became uncontrolled. "I know, honey. I know."
"I wouldn't ever hurt her. Why did he have to hurt her?"
"I don't know. I really don't. It sucks."
"Why did she have to love him?"
I felt fresh tears from my sister, dropping on my skin. "Sometimes, life is not fair. Sometimes, we can't see what's right in front of us. I'm so sorry you've gone through all of this alone. I should have known. I should have seen it before now."
I pulled away from her tentatively. "Rose, does he know? Does Jasper know?"
She shook her head. "He's never said anything. No. I don't think so. Of course, it's blatantly obvious to me now, but Jazz isn't so observant."
"He'll be a lousy lawyer," I quipped.
"Or an excellent one. He's demonstrated the ability to be a cold, hard bastard." I could tell she was struggling with this new perception of him, just as I had. "God, I hope this is all worth it for him. I hope the guy we know is still in there somewhere, and he has a damned good reason for being so bloody selfish and cruel."
"Rose, promise me you won't say anything to him. You won't tell him that I… you know… don't tell him how I feel."
She ran her hand along my cheeks, using her thumb to wipe away tears. "I would never do that to my brother." Before I could react, she planted a kiss on my forehead and swept out of my room.
That night, I dreamt my siblings were conjoined twins. I was a surgeon. Of course, I wanted to separate them; give them their own lives. I had to decide who to give two kidneys to. For some reason, Rosalie was awake during the procedure, and as I pondered my dilemma, she warned me, 'If you hurt my brother, you hurt me. Don't do that to us. Please, Edward – don't hurt us.'
I was fully aware that my medication gave me unusually fucked up dreams from time to time. This one, however, I could see the foreshadowing in. My last thoughts before falling asleep had been about ignoring Chief Swan and rushing to Bella's side. I could help her through this – I knew I could. But at what cost? Would Jasper see it as betrayal? Would he hate me for it? And what about Rosalie? We had never intentionally put her in the middle. She had never had to choose between brothers. After all, in my deepest thoughts, I knew she'd select Jasper – they were twins. They shared more than the same blood and DNA. They had a love and bond with each other that nothing else could touch. If I went with my heart, I'd lose them both.
~ 0 ~
I was never so thankful for the start of a new school year. Back into college, I could focus on something other than Bella. She was still in my thoughts. I persisted in sending her texts every day, even if it was simply saying 'good night'. I never heard back, but it didn't stop me. If nothing else, she'd know that I hadn't forgotten. I hadn't deserted her. She was, and always would be, my first real love.
Jasper and I had worked through our first fight – apologizing and swearing it would never happen again. Things were never quite the same, however. There was a nagging, unspoken tension between us. Rose put it down to the fact that Jasper was hours away from us for the first time, living in Seattle. She claimed that she felt a change as well.
That said, when our brother arrived home for Thanksgiving, it appeared as though the two of them had never been apart. They instantly picked up their twin thing – exchanging common looks when they didn't need words and lovingly insulting each other when they did.
Alice came back with him. She had also transferred to the University of Washington, proving to me that Jasper was incapable of long distance relationships. It was odd for me – I loathed the way he had hurt Bella, but part of me was glad they were no longer together. I wasn't fond of the idea of him with Alice, but I didn't know if it was bitterness over the way they'd gotten together or if I was worried about him hurting her the same way. Alice and I had never established the same level of friendship I had with Bella or Emmett, but I did care for her. Emmett had willingly taken on a big brother role to me, and so Alice was like my sister as well.
I tried my very best to put away my own thoughts and anxieties for my family's sake, but Thanksgiving Day was living Hell. My parents threw their support behind Jasper's new relationship. They were already incredibly fond of Alice, and now she had taken her place in 'the family'. Bella's place. The moment she took her seat at the dinner table between Jasper and I, it hit home. It was supposed to be Bella between us here, not Alice.
My hands shook uncontrollably throughout the meal. I choked on more than one occasion and accidently tipped over Alice's water glass. I noticed Rosalie shooting questioning looks at me across the table, so I avoided looking at her. Like a robot, I accepted each dish my mother passed me and loaded up my plate several times. With each forkful that I shovelled in, something inside me warned me of my behaviour.
You'll get fat again. Do you want to be fat? All the work you did to lose it, for nothing.
I didn't actually give a shit. I just wanted the meal to end so I didn't have to sit beside Alice and smell her perfume. I longed for Bella's subtle scent of strawberries and vanilla. Alice carried different scents entirely. For the most part, she smelled like cotton candy. Today, it was flowers. Overwhelmingly floral. It was giving me a headache. Bella never gave me a headache. Bella smelled beautiful and pure. I pictured her sitting at a table at the very same time as us, with Kate and Garrett and little Tanya. I saw her smiling and laughing at Tanya picking up a string bean that had dropped to the floor with her toes. I saw her serving dessert – pies. Pumpkin. Not pecan. She turned sad momentarily as she thought about pecan pie and how she'd never make another one. Tanya asked for whipped cream on her pumpkin pie, and Bella's smile and twinkling eyes were back. Be happy, Bella. Please, be happy…
"Edward!"
I snapped out of it with the sound of my mother's voice.
"My goodness! You were a million miles away! Where did you go?"
Not a million miles away. 1600 miles, give or take a few. "Sorry, Mom. What were you saying?"
"What pie do you want?"
"Ummm…" I'll have what Tanya's having. "Pumpkin?"
"You sure? How about a sliver of each? There's pecan!"
My stomach rolled, and my forehead broke out in sweat.
Rosalie kicked me under the table.
Alice turned to me with a look of concern. "Are you okay?"
Excess saliva filled my mouth, and I swallowed rapidly. Repeatedly. "No. I don't think I am. Excuse me, please."
No worries about getting fat. What a complete waste of a meal.
Just like every holiday growing up, my mother fussed over me after I finished expelling dinner. The throbbing in my head had begun in between retches, and all I wanted to do was lie down in my dark, quiet room. She understood and thankfully left me with a kiss on my cheek and a cold cloth on my forehead.
I was riding out the sensation of a being in a rocking boat rather than my bed when my next visitors arrived. Jasper was used to my holiday antics, but Alice was not. She'd never witnessed my anxiety – I'd been doing well by the time she arrived on the scene.
Alice made herself at home, perching on the edge of my bed as her hand went to my hair. I had loved it when Mom used to stroke my hair when I wasn't feeling well. Rosalie and Bella had soothed me with the same method also. Alice touching my hair – touching any part of me right now – was threatening to send me over the edge. I removed the cloth that had slid down over my eyes and moved away from her.
"Feeling better?" she asked with a chipper lilt in her voice.
"No. I'd really like to sleep now."
"That's probably a good idea." My brother knew me. He understood. I closed my eyes and waited for him to remove Alice from my bed.
She didn't move. Instead, she began talking. "I had this friend in high school… she was really pretty and sweet. Everyone envied her. But she didn't see it that way. She didn't see herself clearly at all. She saw wiry hair and eyes too far apart. A crooked nose and a big ass. What others saw as enviable curves, she saw as fat. There's a disease, Edward, it's called Bulimia."
"Oh for fuck's sake," I groaned. "I'm not bulimic."
"You've lost a lot of weight since I've known you. I think you're pretty low on self-esteem, too."
"Thanks. Very helpful," I quipped. Now get the fuck out.
"Edward, I'm only saying this because I care about you. We all care about you –"
"Sounds like you're about to start an intervention," Jasper commented with a nervous chuckle. "I don't think this is what he needs."
"It's exactly what he needs, Jazz! Edward, look at me." She pulled the cloth from my eyes just seconds after I'd replaced it there. "Look. At. Me."
I lifted one lid. Her face was hovering inches from mine. Fuck my life.
"You're beautiful, do you know that?"
Groaning, I rolled my aching eyes and tried to bury my head further into my pillow.
"You are. And you're sweet, and nice, and funny. A little odd at times –"
Hello, pot…? She had some nerve calling me odd when she was the strangest person I'd ever encountered.
"But you're great. You're awesome. And you are good enough."
Jasper snickered again. "Good enough for what?"
I heard her slap him. "Shush! This isn't a joking matter. I'm trying to get him to understand that he's fine, just as he is."
"I don't think he is, darlin'. I think he'd be much better if we just left him alone."
Thank you! A million thanks, my knowledgeable brother. Slowly, you're getting back to what you always were to me.
"Edward, I want you to do something. The next time you feel like purging, call me."
"I don't have a fucking eating disorder!" I half-whined, half-shouted. Anyone would have annoyed me at this point, but Alice at my bedside – counselling me – was too much.
"Alice, we should leave him."
"I can help you, Edward."
"Alice?"
"Seriously. Call me. You can beat this."
"Come on, let's go. I'm sorry, bro."
"We love you, and we can help you!" she shouted from the doorway.
"So. Sorry."
"You're good enough, Edward!"
"Sorry!"
The sound of the door closing was the best thing I'd heard all day. Fuck. My. Life.
~ 0 ~
The day after Thanksgiving traditionally saw the females depart for some city shopping and the males gather together for a day of football. They would re-enact the games of the prior day, imagining themselves to be young, fit sports heroes. Traditionally, I read a lot on the day after Thanksgiving. This year, I parked myself on the front porch to watch the mini-game on our own lawn.
"Watch the rock!" I called out when Emmett tackled Jasper near her garden. "If you break it with his thick skull, Mom will kick your ass!"
"Shit, are you channeling Rosalie? I swear, you sound just like her!" Jasper uentangled himself from Emmett's tackle easily and grinned at me.
"Right now, Rose is saying, 'charge it'. She asked me to pass along that rock versus skull message before she left this morning."
"Hopefully she's saying, 'Alice, you don't need those shoes.' That's all I've got to say."
"Wanna toss the ball around with us, Ed?"
I scoffed at Emmett's inquiry with a smirk. "Feel like spending the rest of the day in emergency?"
"Come on, man. I'll show you how to throw a perfect spiral. I'll catch. You throw." Emmett guided me through the procedure as Jasper stood across the yard, waiting. I'd held a football in gym class, but it always felt foreign to me. It still did, but after a dozen attempts, the awkward brown object left my hand, spun threw the air, and landed perfectly in Jasper's hands.
We did a celebratory dance on the lawn before I begged out. I knew my limits. If I pushed my luck, I'd be catching the ball with my nose before we were done.
"I thought that was you out there, but I figured my eyes were playing tricks on me." My dad teased me when I went into the kitchen. "I took a picture, just in case. Your mom will never believe me."
"First time for everything, right?" I joked back.
"You looked good out there, son. You have no idea how great it is to see all of you together again. It's all changing. You're all growing up and moving on – the biggest problem with having all of your kids in the same year – they all outgrow the parents at the same time."
I smiled at him. Dad was rarely sentimental. Mom was enough for both of them.
"Holidays are the only time we'll have with you all. And before we know it, we'll be sharing holidays with in-laws."
My mind tried to envision my siblings at a Thanksgiving with the McCartys. I pictured Dr McCarty pushing his wife's boobs out of the way to carve the turkey. Thank Christ I'd never have to endure it in reality. I smirked, thinking of Jasper at the table, trying unsuccessfully not to gawk at her abundant cleavage as she passed the sweet potatoes. Payback.
"While we've got a minute alone, I wanted to talk to you about yesterday." Dad leaned against the counter, sipping his coffee. This was a good sign. It really would be a minute if he was still standing. It was the times he directed me to sit down with him that worried me. Those talks were always good for at least an hour.
I planted myself across from him, leaning forward on the island counter, and waited for him to begin.
And waited.
"Soooo… what's up, Dad?"
"That's what I'm wondering. Something you want to talk about?"
"No, not really… oh my god… did Alice say something stupid?"
My dad smirked. Shit. She had.
"She thinks I'm bulimic, did she tell you that? I swear – I don't have an eating disorder. I simply ate too much, too fast. And I had a migraine coming, so really, I had no chance. I'm not sick. I don't need emergency therapy. I'm perfectly sane."
Dad snickered at me. "I know that. We told Alice much the same. She's just a little over-zealous with her concern. It's kind of sweet, if you think about it."
I rolled my eyes. Kind of meddlesome and idiotic, if you think about it.
"I'm not concerned in the least about your eating habits. You've got a good handle on your health – it's good to see. You're generally much healthier lately."
I nodded my agreement.
"You seemed very uncomfortable yesterday – even before dinner. But you looked like you wanted to be anywhere but our table once we sat down. Is something bothering you?"
Frowning, I debated how to respond to that. Rosalie had already seen through me. If I told Dad how I was missing Bella horribly, would he know my true feelings as well? And would he keep it between us?
"Let me ask you this – does it bother you that Rose and Jasper both had partners joining us for our family dinner? Would you rather it just be the five of us for holidays? At least for now?"
"No, no, no! Really, it's fine. I don't care –"
"You know, you're welcome to invite anyone you'd like to, as well. Anyone at all. Are you… have you been… dating? At all?"
"Nope."
He nodded. "Well, you know these migraines you get could have something to do with that. You're under a lot of pressure, with school and all. Sometimes that pressure is too much, once you toss sexual frustration into the mix."
Christ. The last thing I wanted was to have a talk with my dad about my twenty-year-old virginity.
"Is there no one you like? A girl at school perhaps? Or… someone… else?"
"I'm really not looking," I answered, somewhat on the defensive. Was this anyone's business? So what if I was in love with someone I couldn't have? It didn't matter because she didn't want me that way, and she was gone, regardless.
"Okay. Well, I just wanted you to know that we're fine with whomever you decide to spend your life with. As long as there's love and mutual respect, it doesn't matter who you choose to be with. She… or he… will be welcome –"
"Hold it!" I cut him off, cupping my hands on my head. Holy hell! "Dad, I'm not gay."
"It's perfectly fine…"
"NOT. Gay. But thank you."
"If you want to talk some more –"
I laughed because I wanted to cry in humiliation, but what would say gay pussy more than that? In one day, I'd gone from bulimic to gay. Just fucking great. No wonder I'd battle self-esteem issues my whole life. Everyone had a fucking judgement about me. As if being a pathetic virgin in love with his brother's ex-girlfriend wasn't bad enough.
~ 0 ~
Just when I thought the holiday weekend couldn't get worse, I was proven mistaken. I made a mental note to spend next Thanksgiving weekend volunteering in Port Angeles. Or Sierra Leone. Maybe I'd get trampled by elephants, eaten by a pride of lions, or sliced to death by machete wielding rebel natives. Any of the above options were preferable to sitting with Alice, being presented with a gift.
"I originally picked this up for you for Christmas, but I can't wait. I know it's only a month away… you shouldn't wait."
It was a book. I could tell through the wrapping. Seemed harmless, though it was embarrassing to be unwrapping a Christmas gift on Thanksgiving weekend when no one else was. I tore the paper off and turned it over to examine the cover. 'Free To Be Me'. A self-help book, of course.
"I'm really sorry I jumped to conclusions. Even if you're not bulimic, this book can help you with whatever. There's all sorts of things regarding self-confidence and pride in admitting to yourself and everyone else, who you really are. We just love you, Edward. No matter what."
Too much. This was just too much! I set the book down on the coffee table, taking a deep breath in and slowly exhaling. "Listen up. I'm only gonna tell you this once – I don't need your help. Got it? I'm not bulimic, or gay, or any other fucked-up thing running through your mind, and I don't want – or need – you coming at me with advice and self-fucking-help books, or whatever else you have in mind! Got it?"
I was standing over her by the end of my rant, and she looked up at me with wide, tear-filled eyes. She nodded and whispered, "Okay."
Looking around, everyone was staring at me in shock. Shock and disappointment. They were stunned into silence. The silence was so thick I could only hear my own breathing and heartbeat. I swear I heard the only tear that rolled off Alice's cheek hit the hardwood floor. Shit, I'm such an asshole…
"Alice… I'm sorry," I blurted. "I didn't mean that. Well, I did, but I didn't mean for it to come out sounding so harsh. Thank you. I appreciate the gesture. Really. I've got many issues, honestly. Issues you couldn't even begin to analyze, so please… I'm begging you, please don't try to. I'm just who I am… which, right now, is an asshole, and I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Everyone. I'm sorry." I took off for the sanctuary upstairs – my room – where I pounded my head against the door after closing it.
I heard pounding even after my head stilled against the wood. Footsteps on the stairs. Coming closer. Shit.
"Ed? I need to talk to you. Open up."
I swung the door open, and immediately went into damage control mode. "Shit, Jazz. I'm really sorry. I never meant to go off like that. I don't know what the fuck is the matter with me."
He'd looked angry when I opened the door. Now, he looked sympathetic. More like the brother I'd grown up with. "We should talk this out," he said quietly. "Just you and me. Can I come in?"
I stepped aside, and he went straight for my desk chair. Much like Dad, I knew Jasper's varying conversation modes. If he was casual, bored, or just hanging out he always went for my bed. The chair meant this would be serious.
"You're pissed at me," I stated. "It's understandable."
"Ed, I need to know what's going on. I know you were upset with me awhile back, but I thought we'd worked it out. I don't want there to be this rift between us. I want my brother back."
I expected serious, but I didn't expect that. I was speechless.
"Can we be completely open here for a minute? I swear, I'll listen. I'll hear you and not judge. I'll just accept it, and then we can move on."
Sweat broke out all over my body. I could already feel it trickling down the back of my neck. Don't ask me about Bella. Don't talk to me about Bella…
"Is it Alice you have a problem with – or me being with Alice? Please just tell me straight out."
"Jazz, I feel like shit for going off on her that way. I like her. I really do!"
"Do you have feelings for her? An attraction…?"
I shook my head vehemently. "Absolutely not. Honestly? I feel like she's my little sister. Annoying as shit sometimes, but I'd never want to see her hurt, or in trouble, or sad in any way, you know?"
Jasper was frighteningly still and quiet. I supposed he was taking it all in, but I would feel a lot better if he'd just say something. Since he seemed intent on really hearing me this time, I decided to take it further.
"It was weird yesterday – having Alice here. Not that she hasn't been over for dinner, but I mean, with you. It was different. I haven't had time to adjust. You sprung the new relationship on me, and then you've been in Seattle. It's not like I see you two all the time and I'm used to it. It just brought some shit back, that's all."
"That panic attack yesterday at dinner… that was because of me? Shit." He hung his head momentarily and then looked me straight in the eye. "I never want to be the cause of you feeling that way, man. Do you understand me? We used to talk… shit… we'd talk about everything! I've fucked up so bad that you can't even talk to me? That's not right. I'm not all right with this. At all. The whole idea that some girl could come into our lives and fuck up what we have always had is insane. You're my brother. That's for life. For life!"
We avoided eye contact. Rosalie had gushed like this to each of us at various points in our lives, but my brother and I had never said how we feel about each other this way. It was a little uncomfortable, and at the same time, I felt like a weight had been lifted from me. I wasn't alone in this. He needed me too. Bella wasn't just 'some girl', but he was right. What we had was for life. I suddenly felt incredibly stupid for pining away over his former girl. Just as I worried that my feelings for Bella would hurt him, he wouldn't intentionally hurt me that way either. If he'd known.
"This is so messed up," Jasper emoted. "I never thought I'd have to choose between you and a girl. I mean, it's never been an issue. But if it was – if it is now – I'd chose you. Honest to God, Ed… if you really hate the idea of me being with Alice, I'll give her up."
Alice? He's talking about Alice, not Bella!
"You're gonna have to go easy on me for a bit. I'm gonna be cranky. This thing with Alice, it caught me totally by surprise. It was like an instant connection. It's like she knows me, inside and out, and always has. She knows me so well she can predict my next move. It goes deeper than emotions and feelings – it's like she was meant to be mine. I've never felt like this, man. But it's better to put a stop to it before I fall even deeper, right?"
"No." I swallowed around the lump in my throat. He had just described what I felt for Bella. "You'd be crazy to give that up. And you're not crazy."
His face lit up, only accentuating the glistening in his eyes.
"Are you crying, man?" I teased him.
"Fuck, yeah!" He laughed and tackled me, lying on top of me across the bed.
"If you kiss me, I'll sack you," I warned with a laugh.
Grabbing my face between his hands, he laid a sloppy one on my forehead before releasing me. He returned to the chair but in a more relaxed position. We were okay now.
Unless I fucked it up further.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure!" Jasper linked his hands behind his head. "Ask me anything!"
"When? I mean, how did you know… when did know that Alice –?" I wasn't merely interested in this information to verify if he'd been unfaithful to Bella; I also wanted to know if it had happened the same way for him and Alice as it had for me.
With a lopsided, lovesick grin, he sighed. "I don't know, man. It's like a freight train hit me. I was dead drunk the first time we met."
"Yeah, I remember." Ironically, it was the first time he and Bella slept together.
"I never really noticed her, y'know? One day, I went into that place by Emmett's to grab something to eat, and there she was – waiting tables. I knew it was Alice, of course, but it was like I was seeing her for the first time. That was also the first time she really talked to me. She was always so quiet around me. I wasn't even sure if she could form a complete sentence! Then, all of a sudden, she evolves into this beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful girl who somehow sees deep inside my soul."
I smiled at his description.
"Corny as shit, right?"
I nodded, still grinning. I was just glad I wasn't alone with that shit. "Go on."
"We struck up a friendship. That was all in the beginning. She unloaded her family troubles, and I whined about being so far from Bella. We really were just friends. I felt this thing that was indescribable with her, but then there was Bella. I didn't know what I was feeling – if this thing with Alice was something like you had with Bella, where you just click – or if it was more. I wanted Bella to come home. I needed to reconnect with her. And I needed to see how I felt about her with Alice around."
"She couldn't leave Phoenix, Jazz," I defended her softly.
"I know. I know that. It's the chance you take, right? Sometimes it can work when you're apart, sometimes it doesn't. It sounds cold, and I don't mean it to. I loved Bella. Part of me will always love Bella. But Alice is…" He gushed out a sigh. "She's everything. It's right. It feels right. I just wish my happiness didn't come at Bella's expense. I know I should have done that differently. I know it."
"Yeah. Even some warning. It blindsided her."
Jasper nodded. "It shouldn't have, really. Things weren't good between us long before that. We had an argument. A bad one. I couldn't face her after that – and she didn't want me to. She told me not to bother coming down to see her. I guess I just dropped the bomb that way because it was getting too intense with Alice. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold off physically much longer, and I'm not a cheater."
My eyes flashed to his. He was being truthful.
"I never fooled around on her. It's a piss poor excuse for breaking up with her the way I did, but I can honestly say I was faithful. Is that the problem you have with Alice? You think I'm gonna fuck that up too, and you don't want to be involved?"
I shook my head. That wasn't it at all.
"Ed, look… don't take this the wrong way, but I kinda don't want you being so close to Alice. I mean, not like you were with Bella. That was a weird situation all around. I know we were all friends first… it's the same with Alice, really. But there was always this… thing… between you and Bella. It's really stupid." He paused to chuckle, rubbing his hand over his chin. "Sometimes I felt like I couldn't compete with that, y'know? I'd fuck up, and you were always there to make her feel better. I used to think it should have been me – but I know that's completely selfish. I'm glad you were there for her. Truly, I am. You're the best brother I could ever have, and it was dumb to ever be jealous of what you meant to her."
We sat in silence for a few moments, as I took it all in.
"Still haven't heard from her?" he asked me quietly. I shook my head. "Man, I'm even sorrier about that. I fucked things up for you, too. I never meant to, Ed. I would never want to take something like that from you."
But you did… "Well, I guess if you were willing to give up Alice for me, I'd say we're even."
"That wasn't your choice though," he countered, not knowing how wrong he was. I'd given up Bella without ever having her – for my brother. "Are we cool?"
"Yeah. We're cool. Please tell Alice how sorry I am. I'll make it up to her. Somehow."
Jasper nodded at me with his easy grin. "Listen, I've gotta ask… what's the deal with the stone in the lemonade cap? I keep seeing it and it's driving me nuts! Isn't that the thing Bella gave you?"
My heart raced. Why was I so protective over that? It drove me insane just to know he looked at it, let alone wondered about it. "It was in my pocket one day, and I forgot about it. I stuffed the lid in there and forgot about it, too. Somehow it ended up wedged."
"I can fix that!" We both flew to it, but he was closer. I wanted to rip it out of his hand, but overreacting that way would be ridiculous. He popped it out, holding it up proudly. "There ya go!"
"Thanks." I grabbed it. In my palm, I felt its smoothness – the serenity it always brought me. He hadn't contaminated it for me. If anything, this talk had solidified both relationships. Bella had been my best friend, but Jasper was my brother. Always.
"What's this? Some kind of contest code or something?"
Fuck! He still had the lemonade cap, and he was inspecting it – the inside – where I had painstakingly written the date.
"B-9-25-99. Is it a combination or something? He examined it closer, turning it in circles to read it. "It looks like a date."
It is a date. The day I fell in love.
"Dude, you had a cap from 1999 in your pocket? That's insane!" He laughed. Good. Keep laughing, Jazz.
The laughter stopped. The wheels of his mind turned. "What's the 'B' for, Edward?"
I stared at the cap, turning the stone over and over in my hand.
"Ed? What's the 'B' stand for?"
I had to respond. I had to say… something! "I… it's just…"
"Fuck. Fuck! This is… oh man, please don't tell me this is… Is this from Bella, too?"
"It's just a thing! Just a stupid thing. I would have thrown it out, but the stone was stuck –"
"You wanted her. From the beginning, you wanted her." He was strangely calm as it all came clear. Rose was right, Jasper hadn't picked up on the depth of my feelings before. Now he was seeing that he hadn't imagined some 'thing' between me and Bella – my love for her was there, and real. It was always there.
"Jazz, we're just friends."
"That's why you were so determined to go to Phoenix for the funeral. God damn it, Edward! I should have known."
"We're friends…"
"You never…? Did you…?"
"Never."
"Even in Phoenix?"
"Even then. I swear to God. I swear to you!" The exchange was so rapid and broken it was like I finally knew how he and Rosalie communicated. We didn't have to say the words – he was asking if anything had ever happened between Bella and I. He was asking if she was unfaithful to him. He was asking if I'd betrayed him.
"I did love her, Edward. You know that. You knew that then!"
"I swear on her life, Jazz, nothing ever happened."
He stared at me for a long while before muttering, "I believe you."
"Can we just forget about this?" I pleaded, still in shock at the rapid turn of events. We'd just reconnected. We were cool. And now… he knew.
"Forget that you lusted after my girlfriend? Or forget that you kept a collection of it? Shit… I'm sorry." One look at my face and he changed back into my brother. Embracing me, he whispered, "Sorry. I'm so sorry," over and over.
It was my turn to reassure him. "We're brothers, Jasper. No girl will ever come between us. I'd never let that happen."
That day, a chapter of my life was closed. Any wistful hope of ever being with Bella was smashed, then and there. I would stop my fruitless attempts to contact her. I would let her go, just as she wanted. As he wanted. It hurt him to know that I loved her too. He didn't have to say it, I felt it. It was in his eyes. The understanding that I'd given up my own love for him was in there too. Finally, I had done something right for my brother, and he knew it. On that day, we became equals.
A/N ~ *whew* That's an end to the backstory, my friends. Not so bad, was it? ;) I know most of you thought Jasper knew all along, but he really was that clueless (and self-centered, as some boys are :P) It is so easy to want to strangle him, or castrate him ;), for what he did to Bella, but this story is about "true love". I do hope you can find it in your hearts to be a little happy for him finding his true love. Maybe after Edward gets reunited with his? We'll see.
Okay, I've got a little pimping to do, if you'll bear with me:
Anyone like preg!fic? Anyone like writing challenges? Anyone like writing preg!fic? I know some lovely people who are just mad for preg!fic of all kinds. So mad, they're hosting the second Beautiful Bellies challenge, right here on ff.n. Okay, okay, so one of them happens to be my wonderful beta-reader, sshg316. *waves to Shug* And another so happens to be my original pimp from way back *waves to Ginny*, and I'm really glad to be able to spread the word for them in my own little way. So, Shug, GinnyW31, and Twitina are hosting this challenge and I doubt I'll be able to get anything written for them, so please, please, please put on your preg!fic creative caps and help them out! Check out the details here: fanfiction(dot)net/u/2791564/Beautiful_Bellies (or look in my favorite authors for an easier link - I've just added it).
I'm so thankful to have all of you following my story. Hope you know!
Oh, and my pre-reader, msj... you fucking complete me, girlfriend. Srsly.
Thanks for reading, and I'll see you Monday. Gotta run! XX ~ SR