The song Theo sings is Metallica's 'For Whom the Bell's Toll'
Chapter 10: Singing to Thestrals
Harry was starting to not mind his counselling sessions too much. Sure they took up a perfectly good Wednesday night that could have been better spent on Quidditch, and it was getting harder to explain his weekly absence to his friends, but he no longer felt frustrated at Miss Io every time she said something obvious. In fact, he was starting to think that she may even be able to emphasis with him.
But she didn't understand him. No, it seemed like no-one could possibly understand what he was going through. Not his friends, not Dumbledore, and not Miss Io. How could she possibly know what it was like to have such a huge responsibility to deal with?
"Well I'm glad you're doing better Harry" She said.
"Yeah" He agreed "being back at Hogwarts and with my friends helps a lot. I guess it's just the atmosphere."
"Yes that often helps. Harry do you talk to your friends about what happened in the Department of Mysteries?"
"Yeah we talk about it."
"Really?"
"Well, not that much I guess."
"Why not?"
"Why not? Because it's a fucking nightmare! I don't want to have to think about it!"
"And you get snappy with them when they try to talk about it?"
"Well… yeah I guess I do. But I just don't want to think about any of that."
"You need to face up to it one day Harry; you can't just pretend it never happened."
"I know. I'm the Chosen One, and no matter what they do to me, I still have to go out and save the world. I just wish I could be normal and put Sirius's death behind me."
"Harry listen to me" Miss Io said "if you had no world saving responsibilities, you'd still have to face what happened. Normal people don't just put things like that behind them; they grieve and cry just like you are now."
"I'm not crying!"
"Do you cry often Harry?"
"I did at first, but not now."
"These nothing wrong with crying Harry"
"I know that, I just haven't needed to cry much these last few weeks."
"Well that's good."
"Yeah I'm over crying I guess."
"Maybe not. Harry was there any funeral or memorial for Sirius?"
"No, we never had one. There was nothing to bury and everything was too hectic afterwards. And if there was I wouldn't want to attend it. That would just be way too painful."
"Funerals are always painful, but they help us to come to terms with a loved one's death."
"I don't want to go to a late funeral for Sirius. It should be done in his honour; not as something to cheer me up."
"You're right Harry. You have to say good-bye your own way."
"What if I don't want to say good-bye to him just yet?" Harry said "I mean, I'm not punching Malfoy's face in or yelling at people anymore, so what does it matter if I try to let myself believe that he might come back?"
"Hmm… Harry, did you ever go to Cedric Diggory's funeral?"
"The Diggorys invited me, but I couldn't face them after what happened."
"Perhaps you should visit his memorial in the Memorial Garden?"
"I've never been to the Memorial Garden"
"You just go past the greenhouses and follow the castle wall. It's a nice little place; a good memorial to everyone who has died whiles a student of Hogwarts. Though not many people go there. Can't say I blame them; it is a sad place."
"I see."
"It might do you good to go visit though. Add a bit of closure. And it wouldn't be as hard as trying to let go of Sirius."
"Yeah it might" Harry agreed, he hadn't really thought of Cedric that much lately, but he did still owe him something.
"I think you'll feel better after you do Harry" Miss Io said "now we're almost out of time, would you just like to quickly tell me how things have been going with you and Mr. Malfoy?"
"Well, these not much to say really" Harry said "I still get angry when I think about him, but I hardly see him lately. I guess that's a good thing, though it seems that his still up to no good."
"Up to no good how?"
"Well I've heard that these been some pretty nasty things happening in the Slytherin Common Room." Harry explained "Fliers, very mean pranks, and today some students attacked Blaise and Theo with mud. I think the reason I haven't heard much from Malfoy is because his organising some kind of Pureblood Slytherin gang."
"But you haven't seen much of this alleged groups actions?"
"Well no, but something's going down. You can feel it. I mean today there was way more tension between the Slytherins than ever before. And believe me, that's saying a lot."
"Harry, Mr. Malfoy is probably avoiding you for his own reasons. Maybe his just gotten older and more mature. I know you're still angry at him and his father, so it makes sense that you are still looking to vilify him."
"Oh he doesn't need me to vilify him. He does a good job of that himself."
"Just remember not to get too paranoid about this" She explained "I know you're looking for someone to blame, but it doesn't have to be Malfoy."
"Alright then."
"Well that's good Harry. Now you have a good night and I'll see you next week."
"Yes Miss Io, good night."
Harry left her office and slowly made his way back to the Common Room. When he did arrive he saw Ron straight away talking to Ginny about something by the fireplace. He was about to join them, when something in his peripheral vision caught his eye.
It was a large poster, with one small lonely wizard surrounded by muggles. In large print were the words:
5000 OF THEM FOR EVERY 1 OF US!
Still not worried?
"Hard to believe how many of them there are" a second year said to him.
"Well there are about six billion people in the world" Harry said "And most seem to be muggles."
"It's kind of scary though" the kid said "I mean, even without magic if they ever wanted to go to war with us then they could win with their numbers."
"But why would they go to war with us? Most of them don't even know we exist."
"I guess so"
At that moment Ginny saw Harry and called him over, saving him from getting into a debate with the kid. He sat down with the siblings and allowed himself to relax for the evening. He put all thoughts of going to visit Cedric's memorial out of his mind completely.
Well, maybe not completely out of his mind.
On Friday after class Harry called a Quidditch practice session, and afterwards he and Ron stayed behind for a bit of extra practice. Ron was having a bit of a slump and thinking about quitting again, and Harry just had to make him see reason.
"See your doing fine" Harry said as Ron blocked a fast Quaffle he had just thrown.
"Yeah, but no offence Harry, you aren't the best Chaser" Ron said. Harry laughed along with him, and got ready to throw again when Ron pointed to the ground and cried out "Slytherins" in disgust.
Harry looked to where Ron was pointing and saw the Slytherin Team march onto the pitch.
"Oh crap Ron, I forgot that the Slytherins had the pitch after us."
"Oh great, you mean they have a right to be here?" Ron asked "now we can't even shoo them off… whoa, I see girls down there!"
"Girls?" Harry asked. Since he had been at Hogwarts the Slytherin team had always picked the biggest and strongest players to muscle around the pitch, a strategy that meant he had never seen a girl play on the team except as a reserve.
"You didn't know?" Ron asked "I thought you kept track of the other teams?"
"I knew the Slytherins had three new Chasers, but I only know their last names. Urquhart, Vaisey, and Selwyn."
"Urquhart's new?" Ron asked "but isn't he their captain?"
"His played reserve for just about every position at some point" Harry explained "come to think of it I remember Vaisey; she's that muscley girl who played reserve Chaser against Ravenclaw last year. I should have remembered her."
"Oh yeah I remember that game; Montague and Warrington were both out due to Inquisitional Squad related injuries. Though that was probably the best they played all year, so maybe we should be a bit worried."
"Well Urquhart's waving us down. Let's go apologise and tell him we'll be quick."
However Urquhart didn't seem to mind them flying around at all. Harry noticed that when he and Ron landed, the Slytherin captain seemed rather pleased to see them.
"Hey, Harry Potter, and Ron Weasley" Urquhart said "I'm Garth Urquhart, I'm not sure if we've ever met before."
"Nah I don't think we have" Harry said "you've never played Gryffindor before have you?"
"Never had a chance unfortunately" Urquhart said "the main team-members never seem to get injured until around the New Year. But I look forward to facing your team."
"Yeah" Harry agreed, finding himself warming up to his Slytherin counterpart "I'm guessing you'll be making a few changes in the team –" Malfoy snorted and rolled his eyes.
"Have you got a problem Draco?" Urquhart asked.
"Plenty" Draco said "most of them being along the lines of 'if it isn't broken, don't fix it'"
"No Malfoy, the Slytherin team doesn't need fixing" Ron said "that's why you always loose to us."
"This coming from one of the worst Keepers Hogwarts has ever seen" Malfoy said.
"That's enough" Urquhart said "You know Malfoy, we aren't going to be winning any matches if our Seeker and Beaters don't even show up for practice."
"Hay! Remember who supplies this team with all the best equipment." Malfoy sneered, causing Vaisey and Selwyn to both clutch their new model Nimbus 2002s tightly and smile. Harry noticed that Malfoy also had a Nimbus 2002; meaning that his broom was almost a match for the Firebolt.
"Yes Malfoy" Urquhart agreed "let's not waste your Father's generous donations on lousy riders now okay? And just remember that I'm not touching any of your bribes." As he spoke Urquhart casually swung his own broom in front of him. It wasn't it a Nimbas 2002.
"You have a Firebolt as well?" Ron said "wow no wonder you were made Captain."
"Actually it's the other way around" Urquhart said "I've been saving up for one since they came out. Then when Miles – " he pointed to his Keeper Miles Bletcherly, a tall seventh year with a Nimbas 2001 " – relinquished the Captaincy to me, a few friends and relatives banned together to help me get it before term went back."
"Oh I see. Sorry about that." Ron said "Hay Bletcherly, why did you give up being Captain?"
"Because the team was getting a bit too pure" Vaisey muttered to Selwyn. Harry heard her, but if Urquhart or Bletcherly heard her then they both ignored her.
"Well I'm n-not really g-good with w-w-well, being a l-le-leader" Bletcherly explained "Garth is b-better at th-this stuff."
"Ah I see" Ron said.
"And apparently Draco wasn't good enough" Goyle said.
"Drop it Goyle" Malfoy said.
Goyle went silent and Urquhart sighed. "Look guys" He said "If you two want to keep practicing I don't mind sharing the pitch."
"You have to be joking!" Vaisey said.
"Eva, there is such a thing as good sportsmanship" Urquhart said before turning back to the Gryffindors "but guys, don't expect me to be quite as friendly when the match is coming up. I can get pretty competitive."
"That's alright" Harry said "thanks for the offer, but we were just finishing up. We'll be gone once we finish packing."
"Okay then" Urquhart said, holding out his hand "Both don't worry about packing; I mean we'll be using the same balls right? Well it was nice meeting you Potter. And you too Weasley. Good luck both of you."
They both shook Urquhart's hand, much to the disapproval of most of his team. Harry and Ron then left the pitch, both in very happy moods.
"You know what Harry?" Ron asked.
"What Ron?"
"I actually like that guy!"
"Yeah I know. I can't wait to face his Slytherin team."
"Not sure about Vaisey though" Ron said "she's like a butch Pansy Parkinson."
"Yeah I know. But as you said, the game she played in last year was Slytherin's best."
"I wonder what she meant about the team becoming 'too pure'?"
"I'm not sure Ron, but I remember something interesting Oliver Wood told me once."
"What?"
"He said that the Slytherin Quidditch Team is the only place in Slytherin where Blood Status doesn't matter. In fact, I think Bletcherly is a Half-Blood."
"Yeah I heard that too" Ron said "about the Slytherin Team being neutral. Though I guess if you have people like Montague as Captain it doesn't really work out that way."
"Yeah, Montague was pretty bad. Though he did keep Bletcherly on. I think Flint had a more even team though."
"That stupid troll?" Ron asked.
"Well I never really cared to ask about the blood status of his team" Harry said "but I don't think Oliver would have told me about the Slytherin tradition of a neutral team if Flint didn't follow it. It makes sense really; they wouldn't have won the house cup for seven years running if they didn't get the very best players available."
"Yeah. I guess so" Ron agreed as they approached the castle "Hay look, Blaise and Professor Zabini are playing chess."
"Wow, you're calling him Blaise now?" Harry had noticed Ron being friendlier towards Blaise during the past week, but he still hadn't heard him say his first name yet.
"Yeah we play chess together more often now" Ron explained "but I've never played his mother before. He says that she's really good. Want to go see if she'll verse us?"
"Nah I'm not really in a mood to play chess at the moment" Harry said. Playing Ron was hard but fun. However the only time Harry and played Blaise he'd ended up check-mated in four moves and Ron had spent the rest of the evening moaning about his friend 'being taken in by the most obvious trick in the book.'
"Oh ok then" Ron said "see you around mate."
"I'll see you later" Harry said as his best friend took off. Harry didn't really feel like going back inside. He walked away from the courtyard, planning to walk around a bit. When he got to the greenhouses he remembered what Miss Io had said about the memorial garden.
Harry had not told his friends about his sessions with Miss Io. He could imagine Hermione asking about every little detail about his sessions and Ron prattling on about how he didn't need a crazy shrink. Maybe if he followed her advice and convinced her he was better he wouldn't need to see her every week. That would be one way to stop the questions about what he did on Wednesday nights.
And I do still owe Cedric something Harry reminded himself.
And so Harry found himself walking past the greenhouses, and following the wall of the castle until the greenhouses were off in the distance and he had come to the corner of the castle. He turned the corner and continued walking, and soon found himself in unfamiliar territory.
The castle itself kept this area in the shade, and in the other direction a steep slope led down to the Forbidden Forest. Now that he thought of it, Harry could remember coming here a couple of times on hot days, but he had never explored any further.
He almost missed the Garden. In fact he would have gone straight past it if a Thestral hadn't landed near him and walked into it. The Garden was actually a courtyard built into the castle. Harry had never thought of Hogwarts as more than one large building; from most angles it looked like one large building with a few towers poking out the top and some courtyards tucked away in places.
However from here it looked like the castle was made up of two main buildings, and in between them was a fancy archway. He walked through the archway, and noticed nooks on either side with gardens of white roses tucked away in them.
Soon he came to his first memorial plaque. The stone looked old, but it seemed like someone had come along and magically fixed all the weather damage and erosion. The engravings were a bit hard to make out, but after a bit of squinting he could make out the name:
Here Lay
Isolede of Dorset
7th January 893 – 24th October 906
He could see an inscription underneath Isolede's name, but he could not make it out at all. There were a few other plaques around, but despite the enchantments used on them they had not survived the last thousand years.
He kept walking and was soon in what appeared to be a tunnel covered in vines. Not for the first time, Harry found himself wondering how Hogwarts had been built.
He emerged into another courtyard that was surrounded on all sides by the walls of the castle. There were three more tunnels leading off from this courtyard and Harry had no idea which way Cedric's memorial was. He tried checking the dates on the plaques for clues but couldn't find anything useful. The latest date was 1004 and that was closest to the left tunnel; but that path was the most overgrown and looked the less used.
Just as he was deciding to give up he heard a sound coming from the right tunnel. That path also looked the most used of the three so Harry decided to follow it. He just hoped he didn't get lost overnight here.
As he walked he walked past a few gardens. In the first one he noticed a lot of deaths in 1766. That may have been the year a deadly plague of dragonpox had swept through Wizarding Europe. He would have to ask Hermione. At least the 1700's date was much more recant then anything he had seen before. It looked like he was going the right way.
He also quickly realised what he was hearing too; singing. Harry had no idea if it was human singing or if the singer was near Cedric's plaque, but every time Harry came to a fork in the path he decided to go towards the singing. The dates kept going up as he went so it seemed to be working.
The singer was male – a tenor Harry decided. He could see a large courtyard ahead of him and could just make out a tall figure standing next to a Thestral.
"Blackened roar, massive roar fills the crumbling sky
Shattered goal fills his soul with a ruthless cry
Stranger now, are his eyes, to this mystery
He hears the silence so loud"
The boy who Harry could now recognised paused for a second, and then seemed to go rigid as the Thestral he was patting jerked its head in Harry's direction and snorted.
"Hello Theo" Harry said to the singer "sorry if I scared you."
"Oh um well, it's alright" Theo said "I rarely see other people here that's all. What are you doing here?"
"I actually came to see Cedric Diggory's memorial" Harry explained "I figure after more than a year I owe him at least that."
"I see" Theo said "his plaque is over here. Next to Alice's."
"Thanks" Harry said, making his way towards Theo.
"Umm… shall I leave you alone?"
"Oh, no it's fine" Harry said as he stood next to Theo and found Cedric's plaque.
Cedric Amos Diggory
14.10.1977 – 24.06.1995
When you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy, remember what happened to a boy who was good, and kind, and brave, because he strayed across the path of Lord Voldemort.
The Hufflepuff crest adorned Cedric's shiny plaque. Harry found himself wondering what it would have been like if he had died in that graveyard. His plaque would be next to Cedric's but with a Gryffindor crest on it. Someone would have come up with a nice little verse for him too.
He wondered if that would matter to him after he died. And did it matter to Cedric? What good were these symbols of love and loss after death? After all, death truly was the end. Cedric wasn't around to appreciate his memorial or the grief of those he left behind.
Likewise, Sirius wasn't going to come back to make Harry's life all better. Both of them – and his parents too – they were all gone forever. And when he died, Harry realised that that would truly be the end of everything. Eventually, everyone was lost.
"Hay it's alright" Harry felt a soft hand on his shoulder and looked at Theo. The taller boy had his eyes fixed firmly on the ground but gave Harry's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. Harry was shocked to notice that tears were starting to form in his eyes.
Shit man, don't cry, he urged himself; not in front of Theo – you barely know him! Don't cry!
"Hay, the Thestral is gone" Harry said as he tried to discreetly wipe the tears away from his eyes.
"Yeah, they only stay if I'm singing" Theo explained "they um, well I guess they must like it."
"You have a lovely singing voice; was that Weird Sisters you were singing?"
"Nah, it's a song by Metallica, they're a pretty cool muggle group that Blaise is really into."
"I know who Metallica are. My cousin Dudley thinks they're gods."
"So does Blaise."
"I got that impression."
"Yeah… well can you please do me a favour?"
"What type of favour?"
"Please don't tell Professor Flitwick I can sing."
"…okay?"
"His been trying to recruit me into the school choir since I was eleven. I just tell him I can't sing, but if he knew I wasn't completely tone-deaf he'd be a lot more persistent."
"Why don't you join the choir? You sound amazing."
"I can't sing."
"Yes you can. I just heard you."
"No I can't around other people. I can't really explain it, but ever since Alice died I just haven't been able to sing anything without thinking about her and, and it hurts."
"Oh I see" Harry said. Now he turned his attention to the Ravenclaw plaque next to Cedric's.
Alice Adele Nott
20.02.1974 – 19.12.1988
When all seems hopeless, impossible to advance, keep dreaming. Keep singing. Keep hoping. Keep striving to make the world a better place. A true champion can come from anywhere.
"So you were eight when she died?" Harry asked "and it still hurts?"
"Of course it still hurts! It was about a week before my eight birthday and I watched her die! That's not the kind of thing you just get over. It's always going to hurt."
"I'm sorry" Harry said "I wasn't going to ask about you seeing the Thestrals, I understand it hurts to talk about."
"No! You don't understand!"
"Erm… sorry" Harry said again. He had never seen Theo look really angry; not even when he was being insulted by Malfoy. But just for a moment he did look angry.
"No it's alright" Theo said "I'm the one who's sorry. It's just well, I can live my life and be happy. I've accepted Alice's death. I still miss her, but I've accepted it. But the thing is it was just so traumatic that well, for a long time afterwards I wasn't alright. And when I think about those years after Alice's death and how much I lost… I just get angry."
"I'm not quite sure if I follow"
"It's alright. I guess I'm just a bit messed up still."
"Oh okay?"
For a while afterwards there was silence. Harry found that after the last year he didn't really have much grief left for Cedric. He hadn't really been that close to him after all. But he did still miss him in a way. Maybe if he had been alone he would have found himself reminiscing on that last year they had together; after all it was the last year of real peace. Instead though, he found himself wondering about Theodore Nott and his sister.
"Hey Harry" Theo asked "I was wondering if I could ask you something."
"Yeah, go ahead."
"Sirius Black was important to you wasn't he" Theo asked "I know he died at the Department of Mysteries, and I noticed that the battle last year has effected you more than anyone else that was there. Are you alright?"
"Yeah, he was my godfather" Harry said. He noticed Theo's puzzled expression but really didn't feel like explaining everything right now "I saw him die. Or at least I think he died. There was never any body. As for whether or not I'm alright… well to be honest I'm really not sure." He felt tears threatening to surface again but refused to let them shed.
"I see" Theo said "I've never had a godfather; Alice was all I had growing up. So I'm not sure what it would feel like to lose someone like that."
"What about your father? Or your older sisters?"
"My father… he never got over my mother's death. And he drank a lot. And I reminded him of her a lot. He blamed me for what happened to her. So did my other sisters. They don't think I was worth losing her."
"That's… that's terrible! And after all that, Alice died too?" Theo nodded and whipped his eyes "What happened to her anyway?"
"She was murdered."
"Murdered? In front of you?"
"She was murdered by my sister Gabriella."
For a second Harry's entire world stopped spinning. The courtyard had been quiet before but now it seemed dead silent, with only the sound of his and Theo's breathing disturbing the quiet.
"How could someone murder their own family?" Harry was not aware he had spoken out loud until after he heard his words echoed back to him. Theo just sighed and shook his head.
"We're a Pureblood family; a radical Pureblood family. Both my parents were Death Eaters, and Gabriella joined up just before Voldemort's fall. She was so proud of our pure blood. She always saw Alice and myself as a shame to the family because we were interested in muggle culture growing up, but she just ignored. She was furious at Alice when she went to Hogwarts and made friends with a muggle-born boy. But when a rumour started that they were more than just friends, Gabriella found out and apparently that was crossing the line."
"I'm… I'm so sorry. What happed to Gabriella?"
"She's in Azkaban now. Never to be released. I can never forgive her for what she did."
"Why would you want to forgive someone like that? I just, I just can't believe people would do that. Just because she liked muggle stuff and had a muggle-born friend and wasn't in the right house and, and just because she was different."
"Actually the house wasn't a problem" Theo explained as he fidgeted with his comm badge "We're actually descended from Rowena Ravenclaw in the female line, so it's kinda okay for us to be in Ravenclaw House."
"That's beside the point" Harry said "I… I just… I'm sorry. I guess you don't really like talking about this."
"I don't particularly like talking about it, but I can talk about it. And I'd rather talk about it then let Alice be forgotten."
"I can't imagine ever being okay talking about Sirius's death. It's just so painful."
"You'll be able to talk about it one day; it just takes time. You know there's actually a counsellor at Hogwarts. Her name is Io Lestrange and she's pretty good."
"I'd rather not get counselling."
"Well, you could always talk to Hermione. She's a very understanding person."
"But she doesn't understand me."
"Well, if you ever feel ready to talk and need a shoulder to cry on, I'm usually here once or twice a week. I mean I know we're not that close or anything, but I do know what it's like to miss someone."
"Thanks Theo. If I need a shoulder I'll come and find yours."
"Okay. Well um, it'll be dinner time soon. I better head back."
"I'll come with you. I don't really like the idea of finding my way out of here in the dark."
"Yeah this place does change sometimes."
"I don't get how they made this place" Harry said as they left the courtyard "or why it has to be hidden so well."
"Haven't you ever read Hogwarts; a History?" Theo asked in genuine surprise.
"Oh not you too"
"Huh what do you mean?"
"Oh don't worry. Let's go have dinner."
"Sounds good to me."
As they left the courtyard Harry saw a couple of Thestrals. They were both looking at Theo longingly as if craving another song.