Skydive

Arizona's POV

I'm seeing you again,
Watching you doing all the things we used to do as two
But now it's only one, it's you

I came home to giggles and laughs from our precious daughter who was having a dance party to her children songs in the living room with her mother. That right there was a moment of pure joy and honestly, I wanted nothing more than to just join them and have a good time. I was in need of a good time after Dr. Herman had once again tried to minimize my work in the OR and belittle my talent as a surgeon. But then I was reminded that I wasn't allowed to join them. I had to pretend to be too busy to join them. I had to pretend that I didn't miss my wife and the quality time with my family. That's what Callie and I had agreed on to make it easier for both of us without dragging Sofia in the middle of our mess. Our little angel had done nothing wrong, so we decided to keep up the mask of a healthy happy family for her. But I suffered.

And I remember when we would go for days
In ways we thought would never end
Now it's over, it's just me

There wasn't a minute where I didn't want to kiss Callie hard enough that it would make her forget about everything. And it hurt me to see her every day and not be able to touch her, to hold her, to tell her how much I loved her. Because even though we were kind of separated for almost three months now, my love for this woman has not died. And it felt like it would never go away. That's what love is supposed to be, right? Unconditional, relentless. And I wish that I would have seen it before, but I was blinded by the events of the past, especially the happenings of the last two years. God, what was I thinking taking it all out on her and then betraying her like that?

And I don't like the sound
Of our feet on the ground
Unless we're running to the edge of something new for you and me

The footsteps coming nearer startled me. I hadn't even realized I was still standing in the door frame to our living room until Sofia tugged on the leg of my pants. Big brown eyes looked up to me and a chubby, toothy smile graced her little face. Immediately, I had to fight against the tears that started to well up.

"Momma, come dance wif me?", our three year old sunshine asked.

I saw the joy and fun in her eyes. She was truly having a good time with Callie and I would have traded everything I had to dance with them. To have fun too. To be a part of this family again. But I wasn't. Because we agreed on spending time with our little girl, but always only one of us so it wouldn't be awkward.

My eyes found Callie's, I don't know if I was silently asking for her permission to join them for just a few minutes or if I was trying to tell her that I would keep my promise. "Not tonight, baby girl", I answered after shaking my head. "We'll dance tomorrow, okay? Momma's going to pick you up from daycare and then we'll have a dance party or a tea party with Mrs. Ladybug and Dr. Bear, okay?" When I mentioned the tea party with my daughter's favorite toys, her eyes lit up even more. She replied with a squeal and if it wasn't for the whole situation in our home, I would have been happy too. But instead, I made my way to the kitchen and heated up my dinner. I wasn't mad that they had already had dinner, I was sad that I had to eat alone.

And I just wanna fall again
And I just wanna learn to fly
So I can love you like I never did

Later that night I spotted Callie's bedroom door open after I came out of the bathroom. Thank God we had two of them, I could only imagine how tense any situation in a shared bathroom would play out. But the open door somehow bugged me. Callie never left the door to her bedroom open, especially now since we were broken up, and a part of me wanted to respect the boundaries she had set for us – I had agreed on them as well – but the other part wanted to see how she was doing. So I took a few steps, mindful of the creaking wooden floor beneath my feet, and stopped right in front of her room.

I wait outside your life
Holding on to memories of everything you were to me
And how I was to you

There she was, as beautiful as ever, lying on the bed, her legs crossed at her ankles and the medical journal – probably the Orthopedic Milestones – lying on her stomach. She must have fallen asleep over reading it and I couldn't help but smile. She was so breathtakingly stunning. The most gorgeous woman I had ever laid my eyes on and that hadn't changed in all these years. Just looking at her still had the ability to make everything better.

Pushing the door open, I made one cautious step and when she didn't move, I made another and then another. I made it to her bed without waking her and sat down on the edge of the mattress. Callie had always been a heavy sleeper so it didn't surprise me that she didn't stir. It was only three months and I couldn't stand it anymore not to be near her. I needed a touch, a sign that it was going to be okay. But whenever we were in the same room, we treated each other with silence and ignored the big, horny pink elephant in the room. I knew she felt it too. Our chemistry was still there, buried under piles of crap that we have been through.

And do you think of me
Do you feel the way I feel before I sleep I close my eyes
And open them with you

I stroke some of her miraculous dark locks out of her face and it must have tickled her because she started to wake up. Her eyes shot open, she must have sensed that someone was in the room, and she stared at me. I had no clue what she was thinking, her face was unreadable, which was rare. One thing I have always loved about my wife was that she wore her heart on her sleeve and that I could read her emotions from just looking at her. And I missed that. Because she tried to cover her feelings from me and had actually mastered in it in the past twelve weeks. But I missed it. I missed the love in her eyes. I missed the smile greeting me when I got home. But overall, I missed the warmth I had always felt when I was with her. And I didn't know if she missed it too and that scared me.

Alone, I don't belong
You know I'm holding on
And how we'll let go of the dreams I had
I know they can come true

When Callie didn't move away from me, I closed my eyes for a few seconds, thinking about much happier times. Times where I would get home and she couldn't even wait for me to take off my jacket before her lips were pressed on mine. Or times where we both picked up Sofia from the daycare to spend an afternoon in the park, running around and chasing our little butterfly. I felt the tears welling up again, and although I hadn't dared to open my eyes yet again, they trickled over the rim and down my cheeks. I missed everything so much. I felt so alone and the worst was that the dreams I never even knew I had, the dreams of a happy family, were crumbling down before my eyes.

And I just wanna fall again
And I just wanna learn to fly
So I can love you like I never did

I felt two warm thumbs wiping away my tears and when I opened my eyes, I noticed that Callie was crying too. And although I knew I was at least fifty percent responsible for her tears, I wanted to make them go away. She was such a good person, an amazing mother with a beautiful big heart, she shouldn't be in tears. She deserved better. So I leaned in, slowly enough to see her reaction, and when she didn't shy away, I kissed away the droplets on her left cheek and then on her right. I tasted the salt on my lips when I licked them.

None of us said a word, but the air was thick with emotions, happy memories of the past and the uncertainty of the future. And once again I found myself wishing that we could just go back to being happy.

And I just wanna skydive
Right into your life
Seeing the whole world by your side

Without thinking about it, I grabbed the back of her head and pulled her towards me, our lips meeting in a rough kiss. I forced my tongue into her mouth, afraid that if I wouldn't do it right now, she would push me away. But she didn't. She let it happen and our kiss deepened more and more until my lungs screamed for air because I had forgotten how to breathe. My hands cupped her cheeks, moved into her raven hair and I tangled my fingers in it, not wanting to let go of her, ever. I needed her in my life. I needed her by my side, going with me through thick and thin until our time on earth was up. I needed her to breathe, to live, to be with me again. If only she would see it too.

Her hands wandered to my upper arms, and for a moment I thought she would pull me even closer, but then she pushed me away, her eyes once again staring at me, shocked about what we had done. I didn't wait for her to say something. I rushed out of the room and into mine, locking the door behind me before I started to cry.

And I just wanna skydive
Right into your life
Seeing the whole world by your side
We can skydive

The song is Skydive - O-town