The Story
Callie's POV
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
Paralyzed. That's what my brain registered first. I was paralyzed, frozen to the spot, hadn't moved an inch since sitting down on the bed. My eyes had just followed Arizona leave through the door and the loneliness had started to sink in. I think it wasn't about being lonely, but about being all by myself in this room, sitting on this bed that held our marriage and everything we've had been through. We had made love in here, we had thought about arrangements for a new baby in here. We've had rough sex in here, twice, since breaking up and every time after we were done, I had felt the need to run. The first time I did. The second time she fell asleep in my arms and I had waited a little before slipping out of bed, still feeling the need to be free. But being free wasn't the same as being on my own, and being on my own was not the same as being free. I had figured that out about two weeks ago, yet, I had stayed silent and I didn't even know why. Had I waited for Arizona to come to me first? I guess I had. What a stupid idea considering that I had been the one asking for the break.
When I finally regained the control over my body, I made my way out of this room, fleeing from this room, yet running towards the person I needed to see. I found her in the kitchen, leaning against the kitchen counter and rolling a glass of white wine in her right hand. I saw the streaks of drying tears on her cheeks, her eyes dull, empty even and I once again had to face the truth, I had done this to her. "Arizona..."
"I'm leaving tomorrow", she said, not looking at me. "So you can be happy."
I was taken aback by her words, thinking that we had agreed that none of us would move out for Sofia's sake. Also, she had been wrong about one thing. I didn't want her to leave. I wanted to make it work again. I wanted to piece us back together. I had taped myself together again, had formed a really good friendship with Meredith which made me happy. But inside, I was still empty. Shallow. The happiness I thought I felt, by going out and drinking, wasn't real, it only filled a gap and kinda numbed my real feelings and emotions. My life as I used to know it was missing and I wanted it back, I needed it back. Damn, I was so stupid. "Nobody's leaving, Arizona. We have Sofia."
"Hopkins offered me a position as the new head of the peds department", she said, still not looking in my direction. Her words were calm, her voice raspy from all the crying. But she seemed fairly sure about leaving Seattle.
"You are already the head of a peds department", I countered. "You have a job here, you have a daughter here who needs you. Alex needs you, Grey-Sloan-Memorial Hospital needs you." I stared at her, I couldn't believe she was thinking about leaving, about moving and leaving for good. "You can't take the job, Arizona, I-"
"You what, Callie?" The harsh undertone in her voice made me cringe.
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true, I was made for you
"I love you! I need you!" There, it was out. I said it. Just like that. Rushing towards her, I crashed my lips onto hers, savoring one of my favorite tastes in the world, her lips and white wine. I had always preferred red wine over white, but when it came to kissing Arizona, I couldn't imagine anything better than her lips and the taste of sweet white wine lingering on them. I kissed her with every feeling that I had for her and for the first time in months, the kiss wasn't rough or hard. No. After the first rush and need to feel her again was gone, I had slowed down, gently cupped her cheeks and connected our lips in a dance of love, want, need. She was what I needed to feel free too, I just hadn't seen it before.
My tongue asked for permission to taste even more of that sweet, indescribable flavor and I felt her hesitate, so I pulled back, locking my eyes with hers. There were new tears, new fears, but I could also see confusion. I knew that I had to let my guarding walls down, so I did. It had always been dangerously easy for me to let them down with her but that's how I had known she was the one for me. I had always known that I was meant to be with her. Even though we had a rough past. She was always the person who held my heart in her hands. She crushed it, bruised it, took pieces out of it. But she was also the only person with the ability to make it whole again.
I climbed across the mountaintops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But, baby, I broke them all for you
"I don't know where to start", I said honestly when the silence became too much to bear. We had lived in silence for months and I still thought that the break had been good for us, maybe even needed. But I wanted to put an end to it. "You broke me", I confessed. "But I realize that I also did a lot to break you, without the intention. But I guess, things happen. I broke my promises and my vows. When we said in good times and through bad, I meant every word." When she didn't move, I took her hand and placed it right over my rapidly beating heart. I had to make it right, voice what I was feeling, but I was scared I would fail. "This", I continued, "this is exactly what held me together during our break. You left a hand print on my heart and it's like a tattoo. I can't get rid of you." I sighed, wrong choice of words. "I don't want to get rid of you. Because I love you." Leaning my forehead against hers, I breathed in, deeply and long. "I love you. I love you. I love you", I whispered over and over again. "I have loved you when you left me for Africa, I have loved you when I married you and I have loved you too much to let you die. I have loved you all the time and I still do, to this very second and for as long as I will live."
She looked at me and I could see her inner battle, pretty sure that she didn't know whether she could believe me or if I was still trying to end this.
"My Arizona. My breathtakingly beautiful wife", I said, swallowing hard before I was able to keep going, "I am so sorry. I know that it is not enough. Sorry has never been enough for us. But I am. And I love you." Taking both of her hands in mine, I placed eight soft kisses on her skin, one kiss on each knuckle.
Oh because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do, and I was made for you
Her eyes were still looking at me, but it seemed more like she was looking right through me. "You said that you want me to be happy, yet here you are saying that you're leaving, taking my happiness with you."
"You're happy without me, Callie. Don't you think I know that you have weekly 'dates' with Meredith for Cheeseburgers and Tequila at Joe's? You got what you wanted. You're free and you can be happy."
I didn't like where this was going. This was the wrong direction and I needed to make her see that I was all in. "But I am not happy without you! Don't you see it? I struggled, Arizona. I struggled without you and I just kept holding on to my hope that we would find our way back to each other without depending on each other. But I struggled. I kept a straight face or forced myself to come off as happy. But I wasn't. I am not happy because I miss you." I studied her, waiting for a change in her facial expression, or a move, I don't know. But I waited and nothing happened, so I crossed my arms over my chest and said, "Fine. You can leave. But if you're leaving, I'm coming with you and so will Sofia. She lost one parent, I will not be the reason she loses one of her mothers too." It was easy to make this about Sofia. But the truth was, this was about me and Sofia. "I lost you too many times to let you go again, so if you decide to move to Baltimore, then your daughter and I will come with you." At my words, her eyes changed. Something must have clicked inside her, there was some kind of a weird flash and from one second to the other, her eyes turned brighter, the sadness slowly fading away. And I couldn't help but smile. It started out small, but it broke into one of those bright megawatt smiles I know she has always loved.
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
"You see me, the real me. And I want you to be the only one who sees me. I want us back. I love you." I reached out my hand, this time waiting for her to take it. She didn't, at first, and I sighed, my eyes filling with tears because of the rejection. "I don't want 'dates' with Mer for Cheeseburgers and Tequilas. I want you. I only want you." My voice had gone soft at the declaration, hoping that she would understand that I was serious about this. I only wanted her, forever. But I didn't know what to say to make her believe me.
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through
Like you do, and I was made for you
The clock ticked on the wall and I started to count the seconds. One minute then two, then three and still nothing from her. Defeated, I let go. My lips quivered as tear after tear rolled over my cheek. I had lost her. I had been so stupid when I pushed her away from me and now she was going to leave me. I still didn't regret requesting the break. I just found myself wishing I had talked to her sooner.
"If we do this", she started and suddenly, she took my hand, repeating her own words. "If we do this, I want more therapy. For you, for me and for us as a couple. I want us to learn from the past and not to fall back into old patterns. No pushing the other away, no shutting the other one out, no rushing out because we don't want to talk about the problems", she stated, her eyes now clear blue and her voice strong. "I want us to face what we have done without making a fuzz out of the past. Just, let us just talk about it, admit that sweeping everything under the rug was what let to this mess and then move on. Together. With our daughter."
I didn't believe my ears. I heard her words, yes, and I saw the movement of her lips, but I didn't believe it. I thought that I was daydreaming, or that I had lost my mind in all this and that I had gone crazy, imagining conversations that never really happened. "Are you serious?"
"Deadly. And when we have made it through this, when we have made it to the end of this journey, I want to marry you again, legally. And I want another baby, with you."
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
Once again I had to fight back the tears. Tears of happiness and I didn't mind losing this battle. "I love you, so much, Arizona."
"I love you too, Calliope."
Oh, but these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true that I was made for you
Oh, yeah, well, it's true that I was made for you
AN: I guess we all know the song, but hey, so what. The Story - Sara Ramirez (Brandi Carlile)