True Love Way
Chapter 39
For the first time in my life, I felt fortunate to never have known my birth mother. If I'd known her, losing her would have been too horrific to contemplate. As it was, Aro's death was the first loss of the sort that had an immediate impact. I'd felt like I had a knife wedged in my gut for weeks. It was difficult to concentrate on the most menial of tasks. The oddest thing would bring Aro to mind, and I began to wonder if I'd ever feel good after thinking about him.
Bella loved reminiscing about Gran, and she took to retelling stories of Aro, as well. It helped her, but it only made me realize I'd never see him again. I'd never speak to him. I'd never sit and watch his body language for clues as to what he really thought of what I was saying to him.
Always the stronger of us, Bella said some parting words on our behalf at his funeral. I was unable to speak to the modest-sized crowd. Old friends of his had made the trip to pay their respects, as well as colleagues. I searched the crowd for any signs of an old lover of his but couldn't pinpoint anyone. Not a single cousin, niece, or great-nephew attended. It angered me that this man – this brilliant, compassionate man – had not one family member in his life, or in his death. The anger passed, replaced with sadness and then determination.
He was not without family. I was his family. The Cullens/Swans/McCartys were his family. With that in mind, I overrode his final wish and took his remains to Forks following the funeral service. I didn't want him to rest alone eternally.
The next spring, I stood over the new headstone with my wife at my side. Aro rested head-to-head with Elizabeth. It was Bella's idea to do it that way, with a shared stone. All I knew was that I wanted him with her. I felt that if Elizabeth had known him in life, her troubles may have been minimized. And if anything still bothered her, Aro would help her through on the other side and make her afterlife that much better.
It was my idea to have the Celtic knot design engraved on each side, and we both thought it should include the remaining malachite. The stone, so precious to me, was ground into a dust and sealed into the engraved knot.
Malachite: protection from negativity. Transformation stone indicating change and prosperity. They would be happy in their afterlife.
The continuity of everlasting love and binding together of two souls. I had never forgotten Bella's words as she explained why she'd chosen this design for my ring. As love had many variations, it was appropriate to remember Aro and Elizabeth with the same design. No beginning, no ending.
It connected the four of us in a way that finally gave me peace. At last, I was truly ready to move on.
~ 0 ~
"Say goodbye to your first real home, Don Everly." Bella stood in the middle of the empty apartment. It hadn't felt right to us, moving in the day we lost Aro. We soon realized it would never let us have the life we wanted so we'd re-leased my old apartment until something else came up for us. Her eyes showed a slew of emotions. I knew she was excited about the purchase of our new house, but at the moment, her voice had a tremor to it. I could never be sure, but it didn't seem like a happy cry.
I moved behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist and placing a kiss on her neck. "He's going to be happier at the other house," I said softly. "We all will."
Smiling with misty eyes, she nodded. "I know. I just have so many great memories of this place. There are moments I don't ever want to forget."
"You're a writer, Bella. Your mind holds so much it will just be a matter of doing a search for the right thought and you'll be able to picture the exact moment you want to recall."
She chuckled, pressing herself firmly into my chest. "I wish I had a hard drive and a search function. Instead, I have my journals. And best of all, I have you. And Don Everly, of course."
We had agreed to stick with what we knew worked for us – this threesome. All discussion of children had been put aside since we would never agree on the method of obtaining one. This was better for us, as was the house we were moving into. It wasn't exactly as I'd envisioned it in my dreams, but the look in Bella's eyes when we signed the papers for it was. This was the house that would allow her to be at peace with her own demons. She hadn't so much as hesitated when it came to using her inheritance to purchase it outright. The resale of the first house had been put into a trust fund for Bree's baby. Bella was much more comfortable with sharing her wealth now.
My brother and his family were already waiting at our new house when we arrived. Alice, with her endless energy, was anxious to get in and clean before the moving truck arrived. Her supplies were sitting on the porch.
"You don't mind this?" I tipped my head toward Alice before we exited the car.
"Hey, if she wants to clean our house, I say go for it." Bella chuckled a little, shaking her head. "I didn't have the heart to tell her a maid service has already been through. She's so excited about this."
That was my Bella – proficient and thoughtful. I also knew there would be just a hint of enjoyment for her watching Alice slave away needlessly.
Don Everly bolted from the car the moment Bella opened her door. Emily was on her way to greet him but stopped when she saw him running. More than once he'd taken her off her feet with his exuberant greeting. She was a quick learner. I leaned on the roof of the car watching them play together on the grass while Jasper and Alice presented coffee and muffins to start off our day.
"I brought a treat for Don, too," Alice informed us. She was practically bouncing. "It's on the porch."
"Great. He'll love that. Do you think caffeine was wise for you this morning?" I asked teasingly.
Her eyes widened as her dance intensified. "I've had to pee so bad for the past fifteen minutes–"
"Ah. Say no more. Come on, I'll let you in." I took the porch steps two at a time with Alice on my heels. "Venti was a bad idea, huh?"
"You have nooooo idea. Thanks!" She shoved me aside the moment the key unlatched the lock. She was almost as familiar with the new layout as we were, so she wasted no time finding the nearest washroom. Emily was right behind her.
"She's got her mother's bladder, I guess." I accepted the coffee Jasper held out for me.
He shook his head. "She's in a new phase – separation anxiety. She can't be out of sight of Alice. Mom offered to take her for a few days so we could really help you out, but we had to turn her down. There's enough chaos in that house with Bree's little one. There's no way a visit from a screeching Emily would be enjoyable for anyone at the moment."
In a way I understood, even though I knew nothing about kids. Don was that way with Bella sometimes. Even more, I was that way with my siblings for a couple of decades.
Behind Jasper, the door inched open and a tiny face peered out shyly. "Is there a munchkin in my house? I didn't see any when we were here before. Oh wait… is that Emily?"
She giggled, her chin tucked into her chest but her eyes turned upwards at me.
"It looks like Emily. The munchkin has hair just like Emily. And big, pinchable cheeks like Emily."
The little girl giggled some more and opened the door just a bit wider. Jasper stepped aside to watch this play out.
"I'd swear that's Emily's laugh, too. Did a munchkin steal my Emily's laugh? And her hair?"
"It's me," she whispered.
"It's who?"
"Me!"
"Me who?"
"Me, Emilme."
"Emilme? Do I know an Emilme?" God, she was just as fun to tease as Alice.
"Emily! It's Emily, Unc Ed!" Thankfully, her speech had improved enough that I was no longer Ugg Head, though Bella still liked to tease me with that name. "I made it wrong."
"Emily, Emilme – whoever you are – I want to know why you're in my house without giving me a hug first. What's up with that?"
Smiling, pigtails bouncing, she sprang from the doorway and clung to my legs. I was so glad they had made the move to Port Angeles. I couldn't imagine not getting to see Emily transform from an ape-walking baby into this sweet little girl. I still felt awkward around her for the most part, but she never seemed to notice. She always had a smile for me and big hugs. I'd often catch her staring at me as though she was waiting for me to notice her.
"Listen, Emily, I have an important job for you today." After removing her from my legs, I sat on the top step of the porch stairs and she climbed on my lap. "Uh, okay. I guess you can sit there."
She stared up at me, clearly not about to move anywhere else. I could hear Jasper snickering behind me.
"Today, I need you to take care of Don Everly. Everyone is going to be busy moving stuff around and all of that. Don will probably feel a bit left out. Kind of lonely. It would be so much help if you could play with him and help keep him out of trouble. Can you do that?"
"All day?"
"Aaaallllll day. And then we can go see a friend of mine. She found out that you're crazy about… oh boy, what was it again? Strawberries? Bumbleberries? Or was it cherries?"
"Booberries!"
"Right, that's it – blueberries. Do you remember Lauren?"
"The lunch lady."
Lauren frequently brought lunches from her restaurant over to Family First. Sometimes Emily was there with Alice.
"That's her. Well, she makes really delicious ice cream. It's frozen yogurt really, but it's so good you think it's ice cream. She told me she has a special batch of blueberry, just for you."
Her eyes widened and her mouth formed into an 'O'.
"Just remember the job you have today, honey," Jasper reminded her. "You're to look after Don."
"And then I get booberry cream?"
He nodded with his most affectionate smile. "And remember to say 'thank you.'"
"What if he makes boom-boom?"
"Well, you don't have to thank him for that."
Her big eyes blinked at me, not even beginning to comprehend my joke. In fact, they seemed to indicate she thought I was a complete idiot. I did a better job of supressing my laughter than Jasper did.
"You just have to play with him, Emily. You don't have to pick up boom-boom," I assured her.
"If he makes boom-boom, you just call over Uncle Ed and he'll take care of it." Jasper gave my back a hardy slap as he winked at his daughter. Satisfied, she leapt off my lap and joined Bella, who was setting up a bowl of water for Don in the garage.
"You do a great job pretending to understand her," Jasper said as he took a seat next to me. "It's not easy. Sometimes I don't have a clue what she's saying."
I stared at my brother inquisitively.
"The doctor says she'll get better once she's in school. They don't think it has anything to do with her being premature…" He stared off in her direction, but appeared to be seeing nothing.
"What…? Are you saying she's–"
"They've always warned us there may be some developmental issues."
"She's small, but she's not… There's nothing wrong with her, Jazz."
One side of his mouth turned up. "You sound like Alice."
"Oh Christ. Kill me now."
He chuckled softly. "Sometimes that's a good thing – being like Alice. She doesn't have a problem understanding our daughter either. Maybe it's just me."
It was difficult for me seeing my brother doubt himself. I'd always envied his self-confidence. "You're a great dad," I reassured him in a low voice. "I think you've just got a lot going on right now – the move, the new job. I don't know, Jazz. It's not like I have many conversations with toddlers, but I think they all talk jibberish… in Greek. Most of the time I'm just making lucky guesses at what she says. Alice is with Emily all day, every day. It seems reasonable that they'd have fewer problems communicating."
"I need to spend more time with my girls."
I smirked at him. "That's not what I was getting at, but it wouldn't hurt."
"I should have talked to you sooner. You can always put things into proper perspective for me." He flashed me a crooked grin of his own. "Ugg Head."
I gave him a swat as I stood. Taking the porch stairs two at a time, I grinned at him from the ground. "I've carried that name proudly, I'll have you know."
The moving truck arrived just moments before the delivery of our new appliances. In between, Rosalie and Nathan arrived. He looked sleepy, having dozed off the moment the car started, but Rose looked well-rested and in great spirits.
"Emmett's catching a quick nap," she told me. "They had a busy night at the fire station, so I made him go to bed as soon as he got home. He's useless when he's this tired."
"I don't know about that. You are about to witness me and Jasper haul furniture. Then you'll see useless."
"Dear brother, I'm used to the two of you being useless – around the kitchen, anything mechanical, both socks in a pair finding the washing machine." She counted off our inabilities on her fingers. "Not to mention neither of you understand women. Useless. I can't believe I married another one just like you guys."
"You're raising another one, too." I grinned impishly at her as I stroked Nathan's head. It was sweaty from his power nap, his soft hair matted under my hand.
"What a blessing," she quipped with her own flare of sarcasm. "It actually is, but you know what I mean. Is Alice driving you nuts yet?"
I shook my head. "Nah. She's actually been really great. Emily's been so good with Don too. A big help. They're in the back yard if you want to go say hi. Alice is polishing the windows to a streak-free shine while she watches them."
A maniacal smile lit up my sister's face. "I'm gonna go do a lip-plant on the glass – drive her crazy. Maybe let Nathan do a little spit painting, as well."
That's how the morning went: laughter and teasing, all while pitching in to get our dream house ready to actually live in. The only thing missing was Emmett's presence, and of course, his muscle power. My back was in need of a break, so I took the kids out front with Don Everly to watch for Emmett. The girls were throwing together a lunch for us, and Jasper had run out for more coffee and much needed muscle.
I sprawled on the grass, Don Everly spread out beside me and the kids piled on top of me. Not exactly the rest my aching muscles needed, but I was enjoying it nonetheless. Emily was attempting to teach Nathan how to say my name. He had only mastered three words so far: Mama, Dada, and dawwww, which everyone knew meant Don Everly.
Nathan was a curious toddler with an extremely pleasant manner. He never seemed ill-at-ease. Jasper kept assuring us all he would reach the fussy stage where he shied away from strangers and even us at times. Watching this little guy, I couldn't imagine him not being the amicable little boy everyone wanted to be around. It struck me at that moment how different my niece and nephew were. It also hit home that I'd wasted so much time worrying about Nathan ever feeling out of place that I had ignored the possibility it might be my niece who carried the same burden I had.
"You know, Emily, you're a great cousin to Nathan. You help him so much. He looks up to you."
Her eyelashes batted as she peered down at her hands. Her lips were curled into a smile however.
"Nathan, can you say Emily? I think he should learn your name first, don't you?"
We were working on that when the ladies announced lunch. They were setting up on the porch since the inside reeked of lemon oil. Alice had insisted on treating the wood floors before the furniture got dragged across it. Who was I to stop her?
"Peanut butt?" Emily asked hopefully.
I quirked an eyebrow at her as I held her in one arm and Nathan in the other. "You eat butts? Well, I shouldn't judge. I've never tasted the butt of a peanut. Only Bell–" I was cut off with a quick swat up the back of my head.
I smiled in return at my sweet wife, then ogled her great tasting butt when she turned away from me.
Emily pouted when she found out there was no peanut butter but sat quietly holding onto her wedge of a ham sandwich. I sat on the step in front of her and made a show of loving my ham to no end. It was the greatest sandwich ever. Hers was soon nibbled to the crust and Alice was smiling proudly at me. As outspoken as she could be, Alice had never once questioned us about when we were starting a family of our own. Instead, she often gave me approving looks like somehow she knew it would all come together without her interference.
"I think our dessert has arrived," Bella sang out as she eyed Lauren's Mini approaching the house. My girl did her ice cream lovin' dance on the porch. Emily stood behind her, emulating her moves. Nathan laughed and clapped with glee.
Don Everly caught on to her excitement, as well, and instantly ran across the yard, barking. Emily, the appointed doggie-sitter, was right after him.
"Perfect timing," Rose announced, looking in the opposite direction. Jasper was parking across the street. An alert Emmett was out of the car first, giving us a big smile and wave.
"Dada!" Like a flash, Nathan toddled in his direction.
The world slowed for me in that moment. I could feel every beat as my heart pounded in my chest. My feet seemed to lag behind my legs as I ran after him. A truck was coming. It would soon turn the corner. It was coming too fast. Nathan was too fast. Why had everything slowed but the truck and Nathan? Why couldn't I scream and make him stop running? Why wasn't anyone screaming for him to stop? In reality, they most likely were. All I could hear was my own heartbeat and strangled breathing, and Nathan's carefree giggle as he dashed for his father.
Words came to me then. I don't think I screamed them. It was a prayer. A desperate prayer. God, please don't take Nathan from us now. Please… I'm begging you…
I was barking. Why was I barking?
No, it wasn't me. It was Don, running beside me. Now taking the lead.
Fuck, no. Not both of them!
The truck was making the sharp turn onto our street. It was going too fast. Too fucking fast. Slow down!
The sound of tires screeching was an awakening for me. Suddenly sound came from all around me. Emmett yelling for his son to stop. Wait for Daddy.
I could see everyone; they hadn't disappeared. Rosalie stood frozen in fear. Alice chanted her own prayer of three words: oh my God… oh my God… oh my God…
Bella's sharp gasp cut through me like an ice shard. Stop! Stop the truck!
Jasper stood on the street, car door wide open, flailing his arms. Were they always so thin?
And Nathan, the little miracle baby, toddled on as though he was being encouraged. He only had the grand prize in sight – his dad.
"Nathaaaaan!" My voice came through in a boom. A sharp bark followed, and that's when everything went into high gear. Don Everly flew past me. I swear he was airborne and had a cape on. It was blue. Just as he pounced on Nathan, something else drew my attention. A little girl with soft brown curls and big eyes. The forgotten one. While everyone focused on Nathan, Emily had been following Don Everly just as she was instructed to do. She hadn't been able to keep up. She was behind the truck that had squealed to a halt. She was walking now, not running. She was in shock.
And she was walking out on the street.
On the street.
Behind the truck.
In front of a second truck. Why hadn't I noticed so much traffic on this street? Were there always trucks coming and going? There was a park just down the street. It wasn't safe with kids running around. Kids… Emily.
Between the trucks… oh God!
"Emily, no!" As Don Everly flew one way towards Nathan, I sailed after Emily. I couldn't stop her.
I couldn't stop her.
She was on the street. Between the trucks. The second set of brakes now deafening.
I realized I wasn't breathing. Hadn't been breathing. I no longer felt my heartbeat.
My heart had stopped. I was dead anyway, but Emily didn't have to be…
Even as I felt my head slam against something incredibly hard and unmoving, I only had one thought: Sacrificing myself for Emily was the right thing to do .
~ 0 ~
Dying was easier than I thought it would be. Sure, there was pain, but it was quick. I'd barely had time to register the agony before I was drifting. Quietly, smoothly drifting. It was calming. Contrary to what people say about a white light, there was none. It was red. Not deep crimson or blood red, but the kind of red you see in the odd sunset. When the sun meets the ocean in mid-summer, and there's a glow surrounding it that turns from gold to amber, then burnt orange and then… death. It wasn't so bad. I figured it was worse on those left behind. Much, much worse.
My euphoria faded. The soothing sunset red turned to black. And I felt…
Nothing.
~ 0 ~
My lungs hurt. Are you supposed to keep breathing when you're dead? It seemed to me that you shouldn't have to, but maybe you could make a show of trying to so it seemed like you were still alive somehow. I gave it a try. It stung. Not worth it.
Something slapped against my face. It was suffocating. I panicked until I realized that I couldn't suffocate – I was already dead. The burning in my lungs ebbed as I relaxed. It almost felt like I was breathing again. It made me smile and I was drifting once more.
~ 0 ~
A waterfall. There are waterfalls in Heaven? That's what I was drifting towards. I swear I felt my heart begin to beat in fear. Silly, the things you can make yourself believe when you're in a certain frame of mind.
I tried to convince myself that I was imagining the waterfall along with my heartbeat. I looked over at Aro, drifting beside me with that knowing smile on his face.
Aro? I thought I had imagined him! I thought the whole thing had been a dream while I was drifting or in blackness. It all came rushing back now – how he'd met me at the gate. Our full conversation played out at an insane speed, yet I was able to take it all in. I remembered every detail of our meeting in the beyond. Every word of wisdom he'd bestowed upon me.
"This is where we part, Edward."
"No." I shook my head, grasping at air beside me to try to stop the ride. "No. I'm not ready."
"You are ready, my boy. You've been ready longer than you know. We'll see each other again."
If I couldn't trust Aro, who could I trust?
"Promise?"
"Indeed."
"Aro… you saved my life back then. I want you to know that. Sure, it didn't last long. Not nearly long enough. I wanted to spend forever with Bella."
"And you shall."
I felt heavy thinking of her joining me in the non-living world. Would she still have snot bubbles if she didn't have to breathe? I could appreciate that.
But that would mean she had to die.
That, I couldn't deal with.
"I have to go back, Aro," I whispered to him. He was several feet away from me now, drifting to the side.
"I know. You always have a choice. Do what's right for you, Edward. You already know what that is. You've had only success since you began believing in yourself. Be well."
"Aro!" I reached out to grasp him, to look at him one last time, but he was gone. A heavy cloud separated us. He was gone.
~ 0 ~
Pain came afterward. A lot of it.
I cursed Aro for leaving me to drift alone. Alone, going off the damned waterfall. I'd been afraid at first, but then it changed. It felt invigorating. Freeing. When I plunged into the depths below, I felt cleansed of all my many faults. Every mistake, every wrong turn suddenly seemed very right. I was comfortable with my life. I was comfortable with myself. When I emerged from the water, it was like being reborn. I was giddy with wonder of things to come.
Then the pain hit.
I was alone. There was no one to share my rebirth with. Oddly, the worst of the aching was centered in my head. The red glow began to burn behind my eyes again, only now it was mottled with white streaks. Jesus… I'd have migraines even AFTER death? Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?
~ 0 ~
"I think he's gonna hurl."
"I know he's gonna hurl. Help me turn him over."
With the sound of those familiar voices, the white streaks blurred into a flash of white. My stomach felt like it contained the entire contents of the waterfall. And it was coming back out.
"Ew. Ham."
"Emily, don't get so close, honey. Uncle Ed needs some space right now."
Ham? My head cleared – or my thoughts anyway. Someone seemed to be hammering on my head, but I knew those voices and I knew a miracle had happened. I'd come back. And Emily…
"Em–" As soon as I opened my mouth to speak, it was cut off with another wave of ham. "Emily? Is she o—huuuack—kay?"
"Finish yakking, Ed. Then talk. Emily is fine, thanks to you."
I sighed in relief hearing Emmett's words. I flopped my head down, satisfied I was now empty. If someone would kill the guy with the jackhammer, I'd be fine too. Why did the hospital let someone in with power tools?
"Nathan?" A new panic arose. "Is–?"
"He's fine too. Thanks to Wonder Dog here."
I smiled, proud of my puppy for acting the hero. He wasn't exactly a puppy anymore. He was a strong, healthy and powerful dog. And he had saved my nephew. Both children were all right, as was Don Everly, and I was back to life.
"Bella?" She must have been horribly worried.
"I'm right here." Her soft voice came from the top of my head. Was she wielding the jackhammer? No, it was a cold compress. On my forehead. Her fingers were gently weaving through my hair. I almost felt like drifting again…
"Bella!" I forced myself away from the desire to just drift off to wherever the red sunset took me. I reached for her hands to stop her from encouraging me to relax. If I calmed down, I would drift. I pulled her hands down on my chest, clutching onto them as she leaned over me. It was a strange position to be in. I could see up her nose.
"I'm sorry I made you worry."
I couldn't tell if she was smiling or frowning from this position. My head started spinning trying to figure it out so I stopped thinking about it.
"How long –" My voice caught in my throat. It was so dry. I had to have been comatose for weeks, if not months. It must have been torture for her. I wondered if my family had taken care of her – if they'd brought her food and decent coffee while she sat at my bedside. Charlie and I had had each other during our watch over Bella in a coma. I hoped she had the same kind of support. "How long was I gone?"
This time I recognized her smile for what it was. It was the same one she always gave me when I said something completely out of context – in other words, every time I made an ass of myself. It was okay because she loved me despite my penchant for doing that almost daily. She loved me when I puked ham or marshmallows. She loved me when I was at my best and worst. She'd loved me when I hadn't loved myself.
"I know who I am."
Her mouth twitched and her eyes blinked rapidly.
"I know," I repeated. "And I know that… I like who I am."
Her hands wiggled out of my grip and she stroked my cheek. "Shh, sweetie. I like who you are, too. Do you know where you are?"
"I'm…" My eyes strained to take in our surroundings from a prone position. "I dunno… maybe. I'm with you."
"Obviously," she whispered back with that sweet smile on her beautiful face. "You hit your head, Edward. I think we should wait until you're thinking more clearly before we –"
"I am thinking clearly. I've never been so certain of what I want." Panic began to rise as I realized Bella may not want me now. Maybe sitting with me in the hospital all these months made her see me for the weakling I felt I was in my youth. Watching me come back from the dead probably freaked her out. Or perhaps it was the moment of impact… when… last year? The day the kids were almost killed. The day I was killed. She was probably glad she wouldn't have to tell our kids that their daddy was dead and then raise them without me. I'd scared her.
"Bella, I–" I tried to sit up and turn to face her, but I made the movements too quick. I swallowed back the wave of nausea that swept over me as my head threatened to explode. Was there a monitor for that? Would the nurses be alerted to the fact that I was about to be blown to bits, or would they not discover it until my brains were splattered all over the room?
My sister stepped in until the nurses could arrive. They were probably taking their time getting in because they knew Rosalie was with me. A brain surgeon was better in this situation than a nurse would be anyway. Her skilled hands were bracing my head – holding my skull together as she looked into my eyes. It must have worked, because she took one hand away and something clicked. And then something flashed.
"Ah! Fuck Rose! Are you taking pictures?"
"I'll take Emily into another room." Alice whisked her daughter away to shield her from my foul mouth. I'd never understood why certain words were forbidden. They were just words. It was just as well that she'd taken Emily away for the time being. I wouldn't want her to have the memory of my scattered brain matter should my sister not be able to keep my skull intact.
"Be quiet," Rosalie replied calmly. "I'm looking in your eyes."
Of course. It wasn't a camera flash. It was a pen light with a steady, blinding stream of light. "Well it fucking hurts. Turn that off!"
"Can you turn your mouth off while I'm this close? Your breath really stinks." Her nose was brushing against mine as she continued on with the torture.
"At least he's conscious – albeit grumpy and even more blunt than usual." Emmett chuckled after his comment. Really? He was going to make fun of me now of all times? Well it didn't matter if they all laughed. I had to endure the light torture so I could get back to Bella.
The light finally clicked off, and Bella took the spot Rosalie vacated in front of me. Good. I wouldn't have to turn. Even better, Rose was using her fingertips on pressure points on the back of my neck and base of my skull. It eased the throbbing.
"I swear to you Bella, I will never leave you again. I was so close… It was like I didn't have a choice. And it felt better to drift than to fight it, really. But I did have a choice, and you are worth fighting for. I wasn't ready to leave you forever. I had to come back so we could finish this. Together. I know what I want, and I'm no longer afraid to just go for it. I fought death for you. And for us. I'm ready to just be me and hope that you still love me. Can you do that? Can you put aside any fear of me dying on you and give this a shot?"
There was that familiar smile yet again. Her eyes were shimmering as they flicked over my face. "I won't let you die, Edward," she whispered. "We're not finished."
Finally, I could smile. And breathe.
"I can believe that you won't die on me. Can you do the same?" Her eyes glistened with unshed tears and deep concern. "Can you honestly say you've moved past the theory that carrying your child will kill me?"
"It sounds ridiculous when you put it that way."
"Call it what you want, but I have to know where your head's at on this." She paused, staring into my soul.
I felt completely straight. My mind was clear. Focused. So focused that I couldn't let it go. "I don't want to spend my afterlife scrawny and weak, or be the fat guy choking on a marshmallow. I don't want to be afraid that everyone sees me as a freak. And I certainly don't want to see everyone else wear their insecurities."
Bella smiled sweetly. "I can't say that I have any idea what you're talking about, but you've never been any of those things to me. I only see you, Edward. The guy I've always loved with a habit of saying the oddest things."
Laughing hurt, but hell, it was worth it, and I couldn't halt my giddiness anyway. I suddenly began thinking of all the Christmas classics, when the main character had their epiphany and went around town manically spreading cheer. Fuck you, Emmett. I'm not grumpy anymore.
Bella kissed me, rancid breath and all – because she loved me that much.
"I have to tell you something," I told her once my emotions were under control. "I saw Aro. I spoke with him. I spent the whole time I was gone with him. He looks fucked up – covered in scars and bruises. He said something about those who were never comfortable with themselves baring their flaws in the afterlife. There were some really strange-looking people and many just walked around oblivious to it all. They didn't seem to notice the jumbo ears or beaks that some people had. There was an abundance of people with massive backsides too… like couch-sized asses. Extra cushions and everything. I didn't quite understand that."
The look of confusion on my wife's face told me she didn't understand either. I had deduced that Aro's scars had likely come from his childhood. That had to be the reason why he had no family aside from us. Another part of me wondered if his bruising was metaphorical. He could have understood my tendency for beating myself up, because he'd done the very same thing.
I wished I could remember Aro's exact words to explain it all to Bella. "My head hurts. Maybe I'll be able to remember exactly what he said, but it's really weird, Bella. It's not really what I imagined Heaven to be like. Not everyone has the perfection that's promised us in life. We bring all of this with us into the afterlife. Aro told me that the people who did seem to be in their version of Eden were all content in life. Maybe not their whole life – everyone has times when they doubt themselves or feel unworthy. Insignificant. Ugly, even. It's the people who never get over that who get fucked. What they see as their flaw is fully visible to others like themselves. Worse yet, they are able to see the worst in those people as well. It was fucked up."
"Sounds like you had a gruesome dream while you were out." Bella ran her fingers down my cheek.
I hadn't expected that. I was sure that Bella, more than anyone, would know what I'd experienced. "It wasn't a dream. I was back and forth, all over the place while I was out of it."
"You would be. The brain remains active on some level in the thought process even when you're unconscious." My sister didn't sound like she was patronizing me, but I didn't want to hear it. This wasn't a medical issue. It had nothing to do with neurons and brainwaves.
"How long was I gone?" I repeated one of my first questions that had gone unanswered.
"You got a nasty bump on the head," Rose informed me gently. "You're going to be all right, though. I'm going to go check on Emily. I'll be right outside if you need anything."
Encouraged by Rose's prognosis, I focused on Bella. "Gran was there. Aro pointed her out. Apparently she had no issues with her mortal self – she looked beautiful."
Now Bella was listening. "Did she see you? She would recognize you from pictures I showed her."
I shook my head. "She was busy. She was dancing with Don Everly." I couldn't help but smile as I recalled how carefree Gran had looked.
"There's only one problem with that – Don Everly is not dead."
"The person, not our dog," I clarified.
"Our dog, and the person. Both alive."
My brow furrowed in confusion. I knew what I'd seen. "Are you sure?"
"Quite sure, yeah."
"Hmm. I don't know why he was there, then. I think you're mistaken."
"We'll Google it later."
I nodded in agreement. It would make no sense if he wasn't really there with Gran. That would mean I'd dreamt Aro, as well. By the look on my wife's face, she believed it was all a dream or I was totally insane. At the very least, my head injury was boggling my thoughts.
"Bella, I don't want to be someone who carries their misery into the afterlife. I have to forgive myself for–" For what? What did I need forgiveness for? "I didn't kill my mother," I acknowledged in a whisper. "I know that. I believe that. I'm not a burden to anyone. I'm not perfect, but I'm not a freak either. I put myself through the ringer growing up, but I came out just the same as anyone else. I'm happy with myself, and I'm thrilled about spending my life with you. If I have a flabby belly and bad hair in the afterlife, I can live with that. Regret over stupid fears and pointless guilt is another story. I know I'm babbling on, but my point is – I'm over it. And I'm ready to be normal." I flashed my crooked grin. "As normal as I can be."
Bella laughed softly. "That's just perfect for me."
"We'll talk about this more once I'm out of the hospital." The idea of coming completely clean with Bella was the best inspiration to heal quickly now that I was conscious.
"What aren't you telling me, Edward? Is the pain worse? Is there something else that we missed? Why do you need to go to the hospital?"
Wow. I was the one with the head injury, but Bella was making no sense. "I'll be fine, silly girl. Yeah, my head is throbbing, but it's a small price to pay for having an awakening like this. I should have thrown myself in front of a truck years ago." I chuckled to lighten her up. "How many bones did I break? I haven't looked down yet. Am I in a body cast? Or have I been out long enough for the bones to heal?"
I heard laughter from behind me. Bella was supressing a grin herself.
"What?" Impatience riled me up.
"Sweetie, you weren't hit by the truck."
Bella's tone was genuine, but the words sounded untrue.
"You're not in the hospital. You're on our couch."
"Our…"
"Our new couch." She nodded, stroking my head. "The park crew carried in it for us once they saw you were alive."
"What do you…? I'm home? When?"
"You've always been home. They just left."
"I hope you didn't tip them. They were going way too fast. Could've killed me," I grumbled. "Almost did."
Bella smiled at me tenderly. "Your dive in front of the truck was most impressive. If you hadn't acted so quickly, Emily could have been hurt for sure. But you weren't hit either. You stumbled after passing Emily off to Jazz. I bet you sucked at relay races."
I frowned. "Yeah, I did. I wasn't hit?"
Bella shook her head.
"Then what exactly happened?"
"You still had your sandwich in your hand when you bolted across the yard. It looked like you couldn't decide whether to pass that to Jasper or Emily. You kind of tossed both."
Really? It was much more impressive in my mind. Now that she mentioned it, however, the sandwich did play a role. "It was a good sandwich. That's where the ham came from." I shook my thumb towards the spilled contents of my stomach from earlier.
"You really didn't want to let it go. You almost caught it too… if you hadn't tripped on the curb."
"I tripped." It wasn't a question. This scenario sounded much more like me than the one I'd imagined.
"You cracked your noggin pretty good on the sidewalk, but it's not broken."
"Me or the sidewalk?" I lifted my hand to my head, gingerly poking at the most tender spot. "I'm concussed."
Bella smiled and nodded. "You are."
"We could have put him in a body cast while he was out." Emmett's voice was filled with amusement as he squatted down beside me. "They wanted to, but I wouldn't let them."
I rolled my eyes at him. "That gag has you written all over it. I don't believe you."
His dimples looked an inch deep as he grinned at me. I was tempted to poke my finger in one to see how deep it went, but a wave of dizziness hit me when my eyes went from one cheek to the other to compare them.
"Easy, buddy," he ordered in his EMT tone. "We may be teasing you about your antics, but you did take a good knock on the head. Limit the movement until the vertigo subsides." He did a quick look into my eyes without the annoying light Rosalie had used. "It's a good sign that you can tell bullshit when it's doled out. It would have been a hilarious gag."
I snorted, closing my eyes until the spinning sensation ended. All this talking was tiring. Now that I knew I hadn't been comatose for months, I felt a good nap would do me wonders.
"Can't let you go to sleep, though, dude. Sorry."
I felt a wet cloth being placed on my forehead, and Bella said she was going to get me some water.
"I'm jealous," Emmett said quietly.
I opened one eye. "Of…?"
"You win Uncle of the Year. I was hoping to take that title."
I chuckled. "You'll have another shot. Some day."
I heard him drop to the floor, settling in to stay with me. He was rubbing his neck when I glanced over.
"I feel pretty stupid," I admitted while it was just us.
"Nah. Today was classic Edward, man. It was you, doing what you do – taking care of people you love and completely fucking up your interpretation of your own role in it. You really hauled ass to get over to Emily that quickly. The hours on the treadmill paid off. Very impressive."
"Thanks," I responded under my breath.
"I, uh, I want to say something, and I hope you know where it's coming from. You know… I'm not making light of this at all."
My tongue slid over my dry lips, wishing Bella would hurry back with the water. "Let me guess – you took the last ham sandwich?"
"Ed, your humour is priceless, but I'm being serious here for a minute."
I was tempted to close my eyes just so I wouldn't have to make eye contact, but I fought the urge. That was the Edward of years ago.
"You're not like anyone I've ever known, and I think that's the coolest thing about you."
I cracked a grin, hoping I wasn't blushing. He'd be all over that shit once he wasn't a foot from my head, staring at me with a sincerity no one could ever doubt.
"What I'm trying to say, and I hope you don't take it the wrong way…" He raked a hand through his hair, sighing heavily. "Ed, you don't have to be like everyone – like us – to be normal. That stuff you were saying to Bella about all those people with Aro… that's… intense. It made me think. Made me wonder what we'll all be like there." He bowed his head, averting his eyes from mine.
"Shit. You are being serious."
He nodded. "Yeah. Thing is, I think you'll be in eternal paradise, and the rest of us will be stuck with stupid hair and shit."
"That would be ironic," I commented quietly. I wasn't sure what to say to him. The pounding in my head made it incredibly difficult to focus on conversation.
"I think I'd have a muzzle."
"You'd have a mullet?" I asked. He was mumbling a bit. Or the jackhammer had kicked it up a notch. I had to get that clarified.
"A muzz-zzle. To keep my big mouth shut."
I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was dead serious. "Em, it's your sister who suffers verbal diarrhea, not you."
"No. I'm the one who's kept in all the shit that should have been said when it most mattered. I spent the first half of my life playing peacekeeper. I folded to my dad's insistence that I be the captain of whatever sport was in season. I played that out for him – to keep him happy because obviously my mom and I couldn't. He fucked around on her. I hated him for that."
"Yeah," I agreed softly. He'd never mentioned his father's infidelity since that first day he'd told me about Alice having a different mother. "That was his problem, Emmett. He made that choice, and it had nothing to do with you."
"My mom made him suffer for his bad decision." Emmett smirked, surely thinking of how payback can be a bitch. "But how could I hate him when we got Alice out of his affair? I probably spoiled her. I doted on her too much when she was little, just so she wouldn't feel the strain in the family. None of it was her fault."
"She will have a princess crown in Heaven, for sure. You can carry her throne if you feel guilty about spoiling her."
My friend finally cracked a smile. He even released a small chuckle. "And Alice, well I know her post-life form will be that of a twelve-year-old boy if her biggest self-doubt shows. My mom made her feel so imperfect… for so long. I never should have put up with that. Alice is beautiful, but she never knew it until Jazz inconveniently fell for her."
A lump was forming in my throat, and I didn't think it was more ham. Jazz was her Bella. Fuck, maybe Alice knew me better than I thought all along. We had both felt like the ugly duckling among the beautiful people.
"She's a happy swan – no, Bella's the Swan. Alice is a Cullen. McCarty. No, Cullen."
"This must be making your head hurt even more. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be doing this to you."
"It's fine," I whispered. Emmett coming clean gave me more strength to do what I had to do. The conversation that I'd need to have with my Swan could make or break us.
"I really just wanted you to know that you're different, and yet no different than the rest of us. You don't have to give up what you want to make other people happy, because honest to God, Ed, just seeing you and Bella together this way is what we all want. You complete each other."
It was that moment that Mini-Me popped into my head. "You complete me." I mimicked Dr Evil as best I could, cracking Emmett up just as Bella returned with a pitcher of ice water, a cup with a bendy straw, and a stack of pillows.
"Glad to see you're feeling better. Em, can you hold him up so I can stack these pillows behind him? I don't want him choking if he's still nauseated."
The waterfall feeling was gone. I wasn't floating anymore. My feet felt firmly on the ground even though they were propped up at the end of the couch. Emmett tugged the cushions out from under my legs so I wouldn't be folded up like an accordion when I sat.
"You don't need those anymore. Rose said your blood pressure was fine the last reading." He stood erect once I was settled in the new position. "Good talk, bro. I think I need to go give my sister a hug."
"And one for me," I called out as he darted from the room. Bella and I were now alone. "You Googled Don Everly, didn't you."
A blush crept into Bella's cheeks, but she wore a defiant look. "I did, in fact."
"You didn't have to bother. I know it was a dream," I admitted. "A fantastical, fucked up dream that quite possibly will change my life."
"I'm just glad it woke you up to how wonderful you are." Bella was trying to make light of my suddenly somber mood.
"I have to tell you something."
My wife sat on the edge of the couch at my waist. She wet her lips nervously and avoided my eyes. "You should probably wait until your head is clear. Confusion is a big part of a concussion. If won't be easy for me to forget what you say, even if your words are confused."
"I'm not ready to be anyone's father." There. It was out. Like ripping a Band-Aid off, it was better to just do it quickly. I looked at Bella to see the wince, but it didn't come. "I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I think I just got caught up in the whole pregnancy thing. And Nathan. I mean, he's perfect. How could anyone not want one of those? But I don't know if I truly do, Bella. I never wanted kids."
I was holding my breath, still waiting for the grimace or tears. Waiting for her to be heartbroken or pissed off. Instead, she let out a sigh.
~ 0 ~
"And if I say no, I definitely don't want anyone but you in my life – I won't be the most selfish asshole in the world?"
Bella had insisted we wait until my concussion cleared before we discussed life plans. She always was the smart one. After several days of vertigo and the worst headache of my life, I was relieved to be having this discussion one final time.
Maybe.
No. This was it. I had admitted that parenthood still wasn't for me, and after days of deep contemplation, Bella had agreed. Having a child, whether by birth or adoption, was the normal progression, but we weren't normal. A baby wouldn't be the missing puzzle piece – it would be the extra that didn't fit anywhere in the scene.
"We'll be selfish together?" She offered with glistening eyes. We had come full circle from the two friends who never wanted kids, through the whole confusing period post-marriage when it seems normal to consider raising a child, back to who we really were. The same two friends, only better. "Can we finally put this to bed now? Just enjoy our life with each other?"
"And Don Everly," I added.
"We have a beautiful niece and nephew if we ever want to be around kids."
"Uh-huh. And then we don't have them around when we want to play naked adult games."
"Ooooh, I like the way you think, Mr. Cullen."
"I like the way you taste, Mrs. Cullen." Her neck was soft, and yes, delicious against my lips. "I hope you don't look like a big butter tart in the afterlife. You taste as good."
I recognised the reproving look on her face. She didn't like that I referred to that silly dream as though it were reality. One day, we could joke about it, but not now. It was too soon. Besides, we had just had one of the most important conversations in our lives, and she deserved the serious side of me.
"Back to the real world…" I placed a tender kiss on her forehead.
"Welcome back, Edward," she said softly. "We have a lifetime left to love each other, and I'm looking forward to each and every day with you."
A/N ~ On to the epilogue, if you so desire.
Go on... it's waiting for you! XX