Dear Beckett,
I hope your week has been going well (as well as it can go, I guess). I went shopping with Mother and Alexis this afternoon; treated them both to lunch. I didn't mind much, but honestly Alexis probably wouldn't have gone without me. I try my best to keep up a facade-I don't want to worry them-but I'm worried about you and I can't help the moments when that leaks through.
The mall was nice, though. You should see these two shop, they're unstoppable (I could barely keep up). I've come to the conclusion that they just love the entire process. You know, window shopping, trying on clothes, asking if this shirt works or if that necklace is too much. I would chime in every once in a while with my two cents. It would make Alexis smile and her smiles are like magic; I always feel my heart become a little lighter...if only for a little while. The both of them kept me distracted today and it was something that we needed; family time...just the three of us. I can say that you weren't constantly on my mind (which is unusual), but let me assure you that you never leave it. You linger, and I'm not in the least bit surprised by that.
So I have to ask you a question and I promise there's a point to my ramblings. Have you ever walked into a room, caught a whiff of something (not entirely sure where the smell came from) and it triggers a memory? Well, that happened to me today. I was following Alexis and Mother through a department store and then all of sudden...you surrounded me. I wasn't even thinking of you, but there you were, forging your way to the front of my mind. I can't even explain it, Kate. One second I could smell you, and only moments later you were gone. I know it sounds a bit odd and it's not like I knew my body had unconsciously memorized every detail of you, but you were there and time stopped. You were there. It felt so real, and I half expected to turn around and physically run into you. Instead, I turned around and yes, you were there (not really there), but I could see you. Your wavy hair falling lazily over your shoulders, eyes smiling, lips pursed, arms crossed over your chest. You weren't wearing heels though, Converses instead. You had your skin tight jeans on and a V-neck Tee shirt that hugged your frame. You were a sight for sore eyes, Katherine Beckett.
And in that moment you were there with us. You were glowing. Glowing with resilience because you faced a wall, Kate, and by God you made it to the other side. I could see you, and you were free from discomfort, free from grief, free from fatigue. You were standing in front of me, as breathtaking as ever, wasting a Saturday with me-with us- and I could smell you, breathe you in; a brief lapse in my worry. And then I blinked and my cruel mind took you away from me. You vanished.
I'm back at my desk now, currently writing this letter, and I can't really find the words to describe your smell, or why it triggered a visage of you. For once I'm speechless, Kate, but that's a common occurrence with you. Even when you're not here, I take you with me.
So rest up, Kate. Because no matter the insurmountable number of reasons of why I think I shouldn't, I'll be here when you get back. A constant, ongoing battle between my head and my heart.
Castle