Dear Kate,

You came back today. You waited in line at my book signing and when it was your turn, you stepped up to the table. I'm surprised I didn't sense your presence. You were standing right in front of me and I didn't even know it. Nothing clicked, nothing aligned in my mind, not until the seconds after you breathed the words, "You can make it out to Kate," and I looked up to see you standing before me. It wasn't a dream, or a visage that my subconscious created, and I was so taken aback Kate, but so relieved.

So I read this story a few days ago. It was about a U.S. soldier who got separated from his unit in enemy territory. The article talked about how each soldier wore a colored elastic band around their helmet, with their name and blood type on it, and it's purpose is to reflect in the dark (you have to be wearing night vision goggles to see it), so fellow soldiers can find one another at night. The soldier who got separated described how he had never been so scared in his life. He was in enemy territory, by himself, with just the darkness surrounding him. So he searched, searched for the bands that would capture the attention of his vision, it was his only hope (he had no other choice). He thought this was it, the next corner he turns at, he meets his fate. But, instead his sight catches the glowing bands of his fellow unit, he didn't give up hope, even though fear dominated every part of him. Hope lingered in the back of his mind, and he described the moment of seeing those bands as an overwhelming flood of relief. The bands calmed him, gave him back some sense of security because even though it took him hours, he made it.

The point I'm trying to make, Kate, is that I couldn't help but relate to this story (in a completely different sense, of course). This summer was hell. I spent a good portion of it holed up in my study writing alternate scenarios for us, hidden behind the smoke screen that is Nikki and Rook. Did I accidentally type Kate every once in awhile, instead of Nikki? Yes, a countless number of times.

I know I joke, Kate, and I know I can be flippant when topics hit too close to home for me, but you're my weakness. I've had my share of hardships. I've been hurt and I've been betrayed. I've also raised a beautiful child mostly by myself. My past experiences have led me to avoid what has potential to hurt me. Except when it comes to you. From the moment I watched you walk away from me after our first case, I knew I was in trouble. I was fascinated by you..I wanted you, and that need only grew the more time I spent around you. I've watched you, I've learned from you, and I fell for you. You have the power to hurt me...you have hurt me and I knew that it would happen one of these days. But, I couldn't find it in myself to care, then or now. You have this hold over me, and I never really knew what would come of us, but I'm still going to stick around to find out.

This summer was dark, and looking up and finding you in the flesh, standing there, and looking so healthy...God, Kate, I have never felt so much relief. You lit up the darkness that surrounded me this summer and having you back calmed me, eased my constant worry. And I came to the realization that no matter the amount anger that still lingered, hope that I would see you again lingered as well.

So outside the book store, I watched you walk away, and every fiber in me screamed to not let you walk away from me again. I didn't choose to feel this way about you, I didn't choose to have you occupy my every thought this past summer, but you know what I did choose? I chose to follow you this time. I left you alone this summer because that is what you wanted, but today I followed you to the swing sets (and I know a part of you knew I would) and I've never been so happy to sit beside you again.

I could tell you were nervous. You kept looking down, stroking our book (hell, I was nervous too and a bit uneasy). I watched your feet coast along the grass, causing the swing to slightly glide under you, and I watched...waited for you to gather your thoughts. You talked about your wall-we all have them, Kate-and how that wall needs to come down before you can live the life that you want, with the person you want. And then you looked up at me with such determination and in that instant, I just knew we could get through this. I knew that we could chip away at your...our walls together.

The hope that lingered over the summer, was actually revived today, Kate. It's almost like a fresh start. A start, where I believe that we just might be on the same page of sorts (maybe the same chapter). Of course, it doesn't erase that fact that we contain the capacity to hurt each other or that we have the potential to keep throwing off the balance we try to set for ourselves in our daily lives.

And yes, I'm still hurt, Kate. But I'm also in love; and you're trying.

I'll wait because that's all I can do at the moment. And to borrow what I told you a little over a year ago: the heart wants what the heart wants. And I will take a sledge hammer to that wall if you ask me to.

Castle

A/N: The story about the soldier is loosely based on my real life events and I thought it worked nicely here. Also my second eyes for this chapter couldn't look over it this time for me, so bear with me if you spot something I didn't catch.

As always, thank you for reading. Your thoughts and reviews are always appreciated.