Dear Castle,

I've been seeing a therapist. I know, it doesn't sound like me at all, but it's necessary in order to get back to work as soon as possible. And I need to get back to work, Castle. All of this free time is getting to me and the hours just drag on. I can't take the silence anymore; I miss the sounds of the city. I miss you.

My therapist recommended that I write my feelings out in a letter to you, to organize my thoughts because I can't keep track of them anymore. He's right, maybe writing them out will help me make better sense of them, help me figure out the words. Because I'm not good with words-not like you-and I have so much to say to you and I don't know where to start. I don't know how to even begin when I see you tomorrow because I don't deserve your forgiveness and I know I've messed up. I don't deserve you, but I need to see you and that makes me feel so selfish. I'm selfish when it comes to you and I'm so sorry, it's not fair to you.

This summer was hard, Castle. The first few weeks…I've never felt so weak, so helpless. I didn't feel like me, and yes, I know I was recovering from a...recovering, but I didn't recognize myself, you wouldn't have recognized me. It was disgusting and wrong and I didn't want to be in my own skin anymore. Gone was your Detective, gone was your muse and as much as I wished you hadn't listened to me and had come breaking down my front door, a part of me is glad you didn't get to see me this way. I'm smiling because of all the times you could have listened to me, you decided this summer was your time. And that makes you so strong, Castle, stronger than me.

The pain is better now. It used to keep me up at night, though. I could never find a comfortable position (because there wasn't one, honestly). I can't really describe how appreciative I am of my dad. He was my world this summer and we would spend the days together and he made it feel like I wasn't a burden (at least some of the time). At night, when I would finally be by myself, I would let it all out. Release the day, prepare for the next one. So I would let out all of the pain and frustration, how worried my dad always looks, how I can't take a shirt on or off without help, how walking from the bathroom to my bed makes me gasp for breath, how I'm a terrible friend, that look in your eyes when you visited me at the hospital. But you know what calmed me? Thoughts of you. Thoughts of before the cemetery, before the hanger. I would recall how passionate you are when you spout out one of your theories, eyes twinkling, I can see your mind racing. Or how you purposefully stand too close to my side, so close that I can feel the heat coming off of you. I could feel how you support me without question and I can't explain how comforting that is, Castle; how much it means to me.

There's this porch that overlooks the lake at my father's cabin and if I haven't messed up what we have, I'll have to show it to you someday. It's really beautiful how you can watch the sunset from there, watch the day end and let the flood of relief wash over you because you made it through another day. I would take your books out there sometimes and read. Even though you weren't here, you helped me Castle, you have to know that. Your words, I could almost hear you reading to me. I could see myself leaning against your chest, settled into the v of your legs, every syllable vibrating against my back. Having your books here made me feel close to you; you erased the pain, if only for a little while.

You're a good man and I'm sorry that I haven't told you that recently. You're patient, you're an amazing father, a loyal son and a partner that I trust with my life; and that scares me. Castle, what if that bullet hit you instead? I would never have been able to forgive myself. If anything ever happens to you...God, I'm so selfish. I would never want to take you away from your family and to think that I could be the cause of that haunts me at night. In my dreams, it sometimes feels so real, you lying on the cemetery ground, blood covering your black suit, your beautiful life draining from your eyes. I am the cop and that bullet was…will never be meant for you, not if I can help it. So it scares me because I know you, Castle, but here I am writing this letter because I can't stay away from you, and it's time that I face you. I'm scared of what the future holds, I'm scared that I will never be more than who I am now, and that I can never give you what you see in me. I never used to be this dark, this withdrawn. My feelings for you are real, but my defense mechanism tells me to hide them, put a wall up around them, and the result is that I deny them life…and you deserve better than that.

So this is my promise to you, Castle. I will fight for you tomorrow. I will find strength in the hope that I have left that what I've done to us can be fixed, and I will walk up to you tomorrow and I will tell you that I want to be more than who I am, more for you and more importantly be more for myself. You of all people, Castle, have shown me that life can still be fun and that we are not defined by our past, but rather by what we choose to do about it today, tomorrow, or the next. I've missed you every day, Castle and I can only imagine what I've put you through, what I've put my friends through. I'm not looking for forgiveness, but a chance to earn your trust back, a chance to be that for you, what you've always been for me. I know I can do this...I want to do this.

All I ask of you is that you wait for me.

Kate

A/N: I'm going to mark this as complete for now. I want to thank everyone who has read and reviewed. It means so much to me, thank you.

I also want to take a moment and thank Jess, without you these letters would never have happened. You're the best.

There might be an epilogue in the future, hopefully inspiration will kick in again. But for now, your thoughts and reviews are always appreciated.