Author's Note-I think people need to remember that Johanna only died five weeks ago. It's kinda a short time for her to be completely put together by.

Also, while my American readers celebrate today, I'd like to dedicate this chapter to a wonderful woman that I never met. She died six weeks before my sister was born but may God rest her soul because I hear she was a treasure. I hope you'd be proud of me Elsie. x

NYLF xx

"Man, woman, no preference?" Rick asked quietly. They were sat on his, their, bed with his laptop between them. Martha had taken Alexis out for the day, and then they were having dinner with Meredith, neither Rick nor Martha comfortable to leave the five year old with her alone, before Martha would bring her home. Rick had taken the chance to look up help for Kate while they had the privacy.

Kate shrugged. "Uh, I don't think I have a preference. Unless my preference can be cheapest?" Rick shot her a look. They'd been doing this only for five minutes she'd already asked three times.

"Kate, you getting better is my only priority. My book is already on the top ten best seller list, let me do this for you." Kate nodded.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I'm just not used to this." Rick smiled and kissed her temple gently.

"Okay, so, hmm." He scrolled through his options, reading them carefully as he went. It was a few minutes before he spoke again. "How about this guy, Carter Burke? He's just a few blocks from here. How does he sound?" Rick asked, clicking on his page. Kate read his credentials as well as the things he specialised in. Grief Counselling was third from the top. "Hey look, he is the psychologist on the payroll for the NYPD. That's pretty cool."

Kate smiled, he was so easy to please sometimes. "He, he sounds okay I guess."

Rick frowned at her, concern clouding his gaze. He'd hear the hesitation in her voice, could feel the tension radiating off her in waves. "You need to stop?" He asked knowingly, already moving to close the lid.

Kate nodded before lying down and curling into herself, facing away from him. He sighed and set the laptop on the floor beside the bed before lying behind her, draping his arm over her stomach. She snuggled back into him and sighed as he gently stroked his hand up and down her torso.

"It's okay to be scared, Kate. I was scared too, but it helps." He felt her tense slightly, in shock, before turning, under his arm, to face him.

"You went to see a therapist?"

Rick nodded, gently teasing one of her loose curls from her cheek to behind her ear. "Yeah I did. I needed to see someone when I was in my teens. I was terrified, I won't lie, but the guy was really nice and he helped me a lot." Kate nodded slowly. "Kate, I think you're perfect. But I hate to see you in so much pain. I think seeing someone, letting them help to unburden some of it for you, I think it would help." He felt her sigh, her chest brushing his own at the exaggerated inhale. "Kate, I won't make you do this..."

"I know. I want to, I do." She shook her head before closing the gap between them and tucking her head into the crook of his neck while he held her tighter. "It's just, it has never gone well when I handed over control before." Rick felt his chest constrict at the implications of that statement, she couldn't say things like that to him without him jumping to worst case scenarios.

"You wanna share that story?" She shook her head rapidly, her hair tickling his chin.

"Maybe, later." She offered hesitantly. Rick nodded and kissed her crown. "I know it will be different this time, I just..." she sighed. "I'm so scared I'll forget her Rick." She admitted as quietly as she could to still allow him to hear it. Rick sighed, pulling her onto his chest as he rolled onto his back and sat up, ending up with her cradled in his lap.

"You won't forget her, Kate. There will be things," he wouldn't lie and say there wouldn't be, "the exact sound of her voice, the smell of her perfume and things. But her, as a woman, as your mother, you will never forget her. And then, you will watch videos of her, open a box she once packed, and it'll all come flooding back. You won't ever forget her, Kate." He wanted to promise her, but he couldn't. He knew from experience just how much you could forget about a person.

"How do you know?" She asked in a tiny voice, timid and afraid, not needing the answer if he wasn't willing to share, just needing him in this moment, she could draw the strength off him.

"Did my daughter ever mention 'Mr Goldberg'?" Kate nodded, realising she was yet to ask about that. "He was my mother's first husband. He was like a father to me. She married him when I was about seventeen and they stayed together until he died when Alexis was about a year and a half.

"He never tried to be my dad, never made himself that person in my life, but he was that person. I went to him when I was thinking about asking Mer to marry me when we discovered Alexis, he shook my hand when she was born, and he was the first person aside from me or her mother to hold my daughter. In everything but blood and name, he was my father, and when he died, I was so scared I'd forget him. But I didn't." He smiled softly, leaning his cheek against her head. "I still remember that he always smelled of aniseed and tobacco, a combination that made me sick for the first year. He had this tick in his left eyebrow when he got mad. I remember all these little things that you wouldn't think you'd remember." Kate sighed softly, fisting her hand in his shirt.

"Book the appointment, Rick." Rick smiled and tilted her back until he could kiss her gently.

"I'm proud of you, Kate." She shook her head, a shy smile on her face.

"Be proud of me when I come out still standing." He kissed her again soundly, knowing full well she would do just that.