Kate was shaking as she left Rick's car and entered the nondescript office building that contained Dr Carter Burke's office. She had insisted that Rick not accompany her, him only agreeing so long as he could take her to and from.
Kate made her way to the third floor, and alerted the young woman behind the desk to her arrival.
She was only sat in the hard, plastic chair in the waiting room, for a few minutes before a tall, handsome black man opened the door at the end of the wall Kate was sat against, and called her name.
With one last deep breath, Kate took the first step.
"Ms Beckett, my name is Dr Burke." His deep voice made her feel safe. "Why don't you tell me a little about what you may need my help with?" Kate nodded quickly, jerkily. She was sat bolt upright in the comfortable armchair across from him, unable to relax even enough to let her spine lose its rigidity.
"Right." She nodded again. "On the ninth of January, this year, my mother was murdered. Stabbed to death in an alleyway in Washington Heights. The police have since attributed it to gang violence." Burke nodded, his pen moving swiftly against his legal pad, despite him never breaking eye contact. Kate appreciated the move, it was grounding her. "My, my father took her death hard. Understandable really but," she cleared her throat and shook her head, "he started drinking, heavily. I, I haven't seen him sober since the funeral."
"That must be terribly difficult to watch." Kate nodded mutely. "How are you handling it?" She shrugged.
"I, I read a lot." Burke nodded with an encouraging smile on his face. "I met someone. He's a good friend to me. We umm, we have very recently taken that friendship into a relationship." Burke nodded.
"May I ask his name?"
"Rick." Kate murmured. Another nod from the doctor. Another note. "He was the one who encouraged me to do this, to come see you." Kate shrugged, her eyes flitting from his for the first time. "After waking him with violent nightmares and, his ex turned up and I jumped down his throat. And I can't stop crying." Kate croaked, her throat tightening, eyes demonstrating the inability right on cue. "I agreed it would be a good idea."
"Why did you jump down his throat?" Burke asked slowly. Kate shook her head.
"I haven't slept with him yet. I, I can't." She shook her head again, her fingers worrying the fabric of the sleeve of her hoodie. "His ex was clearly expecting him to sleep with her during her visit and, while he assured both her and me he wouldn't be doing so, I told him I wouldn't blame him, because I wouldn't and he had needs. I then offered to sleep with him, to, to keep him." Kate dropped her head to face her lap as tears poured down her cheeks.
"Has he ever pressured you into having sex with him?" Kate shook her head emphatically. "Then why did you believe you had to sleep with him to keep him faithful to you?" Kate shrugged. "Ms Beckett?"
"I've done it before." She murmured in a very tiny voice. "It's not like it would be a big deal. At least I know Rick actually likes me for more than what is beneath my clothes." Burke watched her for a moment. She was trembling, tears streaking down her face though she was doing nothing to stop them.
"Ms Beckett, if someone pressured you into doing something you didn't want to, it could be considered assault." Kate nodded.
"I know. It wasn't that bad. Besides, I was sixteen and rather intoxicated at the time." Burke steepled his fingers.
"Did you ever tell anyone about it?" He predicted the shake of her head. "Have you ever had a consensual sexual experience?" Kate sat very still for a moment.
"Once. It wasn't the best of experiences." She noted wryly. Burke nodded, making a few more notes. "I thought we were here to talk about my mother." She murmured a moment later.
"I am here for you to talk about anything that is bothering you. While undoubtedly, your mother's death is a huge part of the depressive state that you have found yourself in, there are underlying issues that also need to be addressed."
Kat left the office with the agreement to go back every Tuesday for an hour long appointment. She slipped into Rick's waiting car and flashed him a drained smile.
"You okay?" He asked quietly, smoothing his thumb across her knuckles as her hands rested in her lap. She nodded.
"Just tired. First one's the worst right?" She asked, turning to him. He could see it in her eyes, the seriousness of the question.
"First one's the worst." He confirmed on a short nod. She smiled gently back.
"Can we go home now?" Rick nodded and started the engine while she strapped in.
"Of course." He murmured as he pulled out into a gap in the traffic, leaving Kate to stare out of the passenger window, her thoughts running around inside her head even faster and less organised than they were an hour ago. That session brought forth a lot of memories she wasn't aware still bothered her. Like they said, it had to get worse before it got better. But as Kate thought over her situation, she was privately questioning how much worse it had to get.