Chapter 11: Better than being alone

Keitaro unwrapped Motoko's gift and popped off the lid carefully. He saw a beautiful medallion made out of solid oak. It had been painted blue and yellow and crafted into an elegant symbol. He had to admit, he had no idea what the symbol meant or what the medallion really was, but he liked it.

"Wow," he said, slipping it on over his head. "Thanks Motoko."

As soon as the medallion hit his chest, he felt and instant wave of calm come over him. It felt like he'd just slept for a year, and yet he could feel every part of his being.

"What is it?" Naru asked. "I've never seen a necklace like that."

"It is called a Piomingo medallion," explained Motoko. "It is supposed to bring the wearer comfort and balance in troubled times. It was a tradition among the Chikasaw Indians before America was colonized."

"Cool!" said Keitaro, honestly. "This is really neat Motoko! Thanks for this."

"Where'd you get something like that?" asked Kitsune.

"You cannot buy them," said Motoko simply. "They are made specifically as a gift, by one person to another. If any of you wore the medallion, it would just be a necklace."

"But Keitaro doesn't feel any different," said Naru. "Right, Keitaro?"

"Actually I do," he answered. "I feel… calm… revitalized you know?"

"I'm surprised you even know the word revitalized," Naru muttered.

"Good," said Motoko, smiling a little. "I am glad you like my gift. Merry Christmas.

"Merry Christmas to you too, all of you actually!"

"Keitaro," said Naru softly. "Meet me in my room later, after the party, ok?"

"Huh? Alright Naru."

The rest of day was a happy party with his friends. Shinobu had once again outdone herself by preparing food that most people would never taste an equal to. Keitaro figured she could probably open her own restaurant in a couple years and put other places around out of business. Su and Sarah planted confetti bombs in several rooms, which caused slight panic and laughter whenever they went off.

Finally, as night was setting on the apartments, the group sang a couple Christmas carols and decided they could all head off to bed. Keitaro remembered Naru's request, and tucked Motoko's gift away carefully among his things. Then, despite really wanting to sleep, he went up to her room instead.

"Hey," he said simply. "What's going on, Naru?"

"Keitaro…" she said slowly. "I… wanted to… It should be me!"

Keitaro raised his eyebrows, confused.

"I don't think I understand…"

"I should be the one you care about."

"I do care about you. I care about all of you."

"Not like that," she said. "I want you to care about me. I want you to love me!"

Now he understood. Naru was trying to confess, in her way. And yet, there was something wrong with her confession. He noticed all her words were possessive.

'I want you to care about me.'

He would've said, 'I love you' or 'I want to be with you.'

Naru was trying to get him to care about her, not the other way around. Keitaro thought about it seriously. Ok, sure, Naru was borderline abusive, and hadn't shown a consistent interest in him. However, she was here. That was something. He realized how desperate he sounded, that he would rather be with someone he didn't like and that didn't like him instead of being alone…

Was that really what he wanted?

And on the other hand, so what if they didn't love each other… they would still have each other. Reluctant or not, it was companionship. He thought over his twenty years as a lone man. He hated being alone. He hated not being in a relationship… never having anyone to buy gifts for. He hated seeing other couples on the street and not kissing his own girl.

Couldn't Naru fill that role? Even if it was just superficially? Wasn't being in a bad relationship better than none at all?

"I get you Naru… I love you."

The words felt like poison on his tongue.

Naru's face lit up and she walked over to him, kissing him roughly. It was nothing like what he had expected. Of course, he'd only imagined softly kissing a girl. Pulling her chin up and gently meeting her lips… it was nothing like this.

This was raw, and rough. He didn't feel love in whatever this was… However, he was still kissing a girl. He was with someone he could call his own… and that was better than being alone… wasn't it? Naru broke the kiss and looked away from him, crawling onto her bed.

"Well goodnight. See you tomorrow for studies."

"Right," he said. "Goodnight."

I certainly don't want to have to say I love her again… This just seems weird. Then again, maybe this is what it's like for others. Maybe fairytale relationships are just that, a fairytale… maybe this is my happily ever after…

With that dismal thought passing through his head, he went to bed, floating into the realm of nightmares and despair.

Several hours later, he was awoken by a soft knock at his door.

"Come in, Motoko."

"Sorry for waking you," she said, looking truly sorry. "I heard you thrashing around. It seemed like something was really troubling you."

"Naw… just… stupid dreams, you know?"

"I don't think dreams are stupid," said Motoko. "They are messages for your subconscious."

"Eh, maybe. What time is it?"

"Around four or so."

"Would you mind training early today?"

"Anytime," she said. "See you outside."

Keitaro got changed in his training gear and saw Motoko's medallion. He almost put it on, but changed his mind at the last second. He would hate to break it or mess it up from training. He went outside and Motoko studied him as he got into his starting stance.

"Widen your stance," she reminded him. "And keep your arms like this…"

"Right… sorry."

"Ok, let's try the third form, just to wake you up."

He went through it, and couldn't seem to concentrate.

"Land on the left foot!" she said. "No… just stop! You're going through this all wrong. You've done this perfectly a thousand times before."

"Yeah," he said, irritated. "I don't know what it is with me right now. I'm on edge. I'm just filled with aggression. I can't think straight!"

"Let's spar and see if that gets rid of some energy."

He flew at her without the traditional bow, and let loose his fury of kicks. This wasn't his normal style and wasn't even aikido. In fact, he was falling back on much of his jujitsu training. Aikido was purely defense, and he wasn't defending anymore.

"What are you doing?!" shouted Motoko and she swept his legs, then hit him in the chest.

He flipped over onto his feet again and ran at her, screaming. Motoko sidestepped his attack and hit him in the back of the neck, putting him face first in the dirt.

"Enough!" she said. "Follow me."

Her voice was stern and short. Motoko wasn't happy at all. She lead him to a waterfall and sat down underneath the cascading waters. She indicated for him to sit next to her, and he did so. For a long time, he said nothing and she didn't break the silence. They just sat there, letting the waters wash over them.

Oddly enough, it was relaxing. He let the tension inside of him flow into the water and get washed downstream. He could truly relax for the first time that day.

"Let the stream take your troubles," said Motoko softly. "Give your problems to the water as it cleanses you."

He voice was soothing, and relaxing. She continued talking gently as he let the water relax him. After several long minutes like this, she stood, walking to the land.

"I am sorry, Motoko. I shouldn't have released my irritation on you. You are my friend, and don't deserve that."

"I don't hold it against you. Anger is not considerate to logic. Do you want to try the forms again?"

He nodded and began the aikido stance. Motoko watched him intently, but didn't say anything. Keitaro went through the first and second forms without a word from her. As he finished the second, she nodded.

"Well done. That is what I would've expected from you. Don't let your anger get to you Keitaro. You are a good person and a capable fighter. Don't let anger and darkness take over you… you'll lose what makes you special."

"What's that?"

"Your good heart."

He smiled at her and then Motoko did something he never expected her to do. She embraced him. It was quick, and wasn't a romantic type of embrace. It was just one friend caring about another. He returned the hug and they broke apart.

"See you tomorrow," she said, heading back inside.

"Good morning," he said softly.

After Motoko's help, Keitaro felt ready to tackle the day. He had just finished bathing and changing to a set of clean clothes when Naru opened his door.

"Hey there," he said, smiling.

"There you are," she said.

"Where else would I be?" he asked, confused.

"We're going to study in town today. I'm getting a little stuffy in here."

Keitaro nodded. He could agree that being in the apartments day after day could cause some cabin fever, and heading into town for tea sounded nice.

"Sure, that actually sounds nice."

"I figured we could get a bit of coffee and just hit the books."

Keitaro hated coffee. He always had, even when he was young. He intentionally never took it and always had tea when it was a replacement option. Naru knew he hated coffee. However, it was at least something they could do as a couple, so that would be nice… right?

"Sure," he said, hesitantly.

Naru lead him down to a coffee shop in town, and even standing outside of the place gave Keitaro a headache. He went inside, hoping they would at least have some tea or hot chocolate he could drink. He let his eyes pour over the menu.

Coffees, iced coffees, hot coffees, lattes, mocha chinos, frappes, espresso and even whiskey-laced coffees greeted him.

He groaned, and ordered an iced coffee, then paid for his drink and Naru's overly complicated order involving a hundred creams and special whipped something or other. After thoroughly feeling he had just been ripped off, Naru picked a table and sat down. Keitaro moved to sit down next to her and she set her bag down where he'd meant to sit.

Sighing, Keitaro took the seat across the table from her.

"Ok, so I was thinking we could tackle hard water today."

And so went Keitaro's next several hours. He was forced to sit away from a girl he was reluctantly "dating," drink a coffee that made feel sick to his stomach, and study a subject that was both boring and complicated. He thought back to his morning with Motoko and it actually made him happy.

Why couldn't his time with Naru be like that?

Eventually, she decided it had been long enough for them to head back to the apartments. As Keitaro stood up, his glasses fell off his face onto the floor. He blinked rapidly several times and a woman about his age stopped and handed them to him.

"Ah, thanks," he said honestly. "I'm practically blind without these."

He placed them on only to feel Naru close in on him and kiss him roughly again. It was practically suffocating, and Keitaro's brain analyzed what was happening. Naru didn't want to be with him. She wanted to place a claim on him, mark him as her territory in a way. Of course, this was just a thought.

On the way back, he tried to hold her hand and she slapped him over the back of the head, saying, "I'm not some kid! I know the way back!"

I actually picked this!

Keitaro rubbed the back of his head, groaning. Of course, he hated what Naru was doing. It was childish and made him feel really inferior. He couldn't just go to her and tell her that though, or she'd just get pissed and break it off. He wasn't in a relationship where it was worth it to either one of them to actually sit down and talk out a problem.

He might have been wrong about relationships when he'd talked to Motoko. In spite of his misery, he wouldn't break things off with Naru.

After all, he had someone now. He had someone who made him regret waking up that morning. He had someone who wouldn't kiss him or even hold his hand unless it was to mark him as hers. He had someone who treated him like an object instead of a person.

It was miserable, but it was better than being alone… right?