Chapter 2
[S] Jane: Cautiously Approach
Gamzee Makara / Jane Crocker
Rated: M
Author's Note: So, yeah, a lot of cursing, a pretty graphic scene, and some stupid Choose Your Own Adventure B.S., AND in Second Person. What the hell did I write? I kind of hate myself for it.
I'm thinking about doing some more of it later on, except less confusing and more not stupid (primarily less Gamzee). Also, if you want to skip ahead to where it tells you to go, simply use Ctrl+F and type in Chapter 2whateverletternumbercombo and it'll take you straight there. Easy as motherfuckin sopor pie, yo.
Review? :oD
A friendly clown welcomes you to LOCAH. It seems he would like to be your guide. Would you like to let him be your guide?
NO [Proceed to Chapter 2a]
FUCK NO [Proceed to Chapter 2a]
[Chapter 2a]
You cautiously approach your new guide. Wait, you said you didn't want him to be your guide?The friendly clown strongly advises you to reconsider. (You do not reconsider.)
You ask him who he is, but he maintains his cryptic, serene expression in perfect silence. You give some though to sliding away from the awkward encounter and go inside, when the clown finally speaks up.
He wants to know if you want to buy these motherfuckin potions.
You examine the clown's wares with due skepticism. He assures you that all of these wicked elixers are motherfuckin magic and all that. The clown sure likes to say motherfuck a lot. It's kind of making you uneasy, yet, in a strange way, attracted to his aloofness.
Examine the Friendly Clown
The first question that pops into your head while examining this fellow of course is, where did he get that outrageous outfit? You don't really have the gumption to ask, but if you had to take a wild guess, you are almost certain the answer would be hand-waved away with the word "shenanigans." See, look? He is waving his hand preemptively, as if reading your mind. Truly, this clown is wise.
[Potion Registry]
Examine the Bronze Potion (420 Boondollars) [Proceed to Chapter 2b]
Examine the Fuschia Potion (420 Boondollars) [Proceed to Chapter 2c]
Examine the Indigo Potion (420 Boondollars) [Proceed to Chapter 2d]
Examine the Olive Potion (420 Boondollars) [Proceed to Chapter 2e]
Examine the Violet Potion (420 Boondollars) [Proceed to Chapter 2f]
Examine the Cobalt Potion (420 Boondollars) [Proceed to Chapter 2g]
Examine the Gold Potion (420 Boondollars) [Proceed to Chapter 2h]
Examine the Mysterious Potion (? Boondollars) [Proceed to Chapter 2i]
[Chapter 2b]
The clown says one sip of this potion will cause you to lose the use of your legs. HOWEVER, you will become an EXCELLENT kisser. A trade that is more than motherfuckin fair, he says. Personally, you think someone would have to be suicidal to drink that heinous brown liquid.
Buy Bronze Potion?
Yes [Proceed to Chapter 2b1]
No [Proceed to Chapter 2b2]
[Chapter 2b1]
You buy 1 BRONZE POTION. It's like a brown nightmare in a bottle. When the clown isn't looking, you chuck it over the side of your house-cliff.
[Backtrack to Potion Registry]
[Chapter 2b2]
Absolutely not. The clown appears crestfallen, then counters with another offer: buy one bottle, get one free! You scowl at him as if he is quite mad. He gets the picture. You're not interested. He then gives you a few bottles of the stuff and says he'll just put it on your tab, no worries. ;o)
[Backtrack to Potion Registry]
[Chapter 2c]
This lovely looking potion is supposed to have powerful healing properties. A must-have in the inventory in an up and coming Maid of Life.
Buy Fuschia Potion?
Yes [Proceed to Chapter 2c1]
No [Proceed to Chapter 2c2]
[Chapter 2c1]
You acquiesce to a single FUSCHIA POTION. Yippee. Pointless pink slop.
[Backtrack to Potion Registry]
[Chapter 2c2]
You don't want it. But the clown REALLY thinks you should take at least one of these handy elixirs. He won't take no for an answer. You say fine and buy a few just to shut him up.
[Backtrack to Potion Registry]
[Chapter 2d]
He says this potion will make you STRONG. You guess it would probably be pretty handy to be STRONG. Except that it's probably bullshit and the potion probably doesn't do that at all.
Buy Indigo Potion?
Yes [Proceed to Chapter 2d1]
No [Proceed to Chapter 2d1]
[Chapter 2d1]
You buy an INDIGO POTION and shrug. Now THERE'S something you won't be drinking anytime soon.
[Backtrack to Potion Registry]
[Chapter 2d2]
He looks taken aback that you would refuse such a valuable commodity. He says no, you gotta buy this motherfuckin shit. It's the hottest noise since a big tittied ninja. Ok, whatever you say, clown, here's your stupid Boondollars. He gives you like 50 of these things. Jesus Christ.
[Backtrack to Potion Registry]
[Chapter 2e]
This gross looking pea soup elixir is touted as a powerful love potion! Just sneak a few drops into the beverage of your object of affection, and he or she will fall head over heels for you. Literally, in the event that your sweetheart-to-be is decapitated. You are very wary of this claim, of course, but... you guess it couldn't hurt to have ONE bottle on hand.
Buy Olive Potion?
Yes [Proceed to Chapter 2e1]
No [Proceed to Chapter 2e2]
[Chapter 2e1]
You buy 1 OLIVE POTION. Ugh, this stuff looks nasty. You are going to have to sneak it into an especially strong drink if you don't want Jake to notice. Wait, did you say Jake? You mean of course hypothetically any person you would give this to, strictly in the name of science. Uh. Yeah. This conversation is over!
[Backtrack to Potion Registry]
[Chapter 2e2]
You refuse, but the clown spots the look of longing in your eye, and knows a lovestruck lady when he sees one. The kind fellow gives you 1 OLIVE POTION on the house. You blush a little and say thank you.
[Backtrack to Potion Registry]
[Chapter 2f]
This potion is to be imbibed by anyone who wants to exhibit unabated lust for all he or she encounters, as well as to behave like more of a douchebag. You wonder why anyone would want that. He gives you a sly wink, and says nothing more. You say no thanks. He asks if you want to buy it anyway.
Buy the Violet Potion?
Yes [Proceed to Chapter 2f1]
No [Proceed to Chapter 2f2]
[Chapter 2f1]
You snap up a VIOLET POTION. Sure, why the hell not. Might as well round out your collection of useless slime.
[Backtrack to Potion Registry]
[Chapter 2f2]
You ask him if he's flipped his friggin' cod piece. Of course you don't want it. He says, ah, but you must. He insists. He gives you 20 bottles for free. Then he says that will be whatever 420 times 20 boondollars is. You let out a heavy sigh, say fine, and fork over the money.
[Backtrack to Potion Registry]
[Chapter 2g]
He claims this potion endows the drinker with incredible luck! Then he does a stupid looking jig on your fridge, clicking the heels of his dumb elf shoes. You find that a bit hard to swallow. Not because it's implausible, but because that blue muck is straight up nasty. He doesn't get the joke.
Buy the Cobalt Potion?
Yes [Proceed to Chapter 2g1]
No [Proceed to Chapter 2g2]
[Chapter 2g1]
He tucks another 420 of your hard earned loot into his cavernous codpiece and gives you a bottle of the blue stuff. Good motherfuckin choice, he says. You roll your eyes.
[Backtrack to Potion Registry]
[Chapter 2g2]
In a motion so swift you don't even follow, he grabs your hand, pushes a bottle of cobalt into your palm, and closes your fingers around it. As you begin to object, he puts his fingers to your lips and whispers shoosh. That'll be 420 motherfuckin boonies, yo.
[Backtrack to Potion Registry]
[Chapter 2h]
This sickly mustard goo is supposed to make your hacking skills go bananas. Like you would ever care about that. He says not so fast though, for its benefits are TWOFOLD. It also makes a killer substitute for grub sauce in a pinch.
Buy the Gold Potion?
Yes [Proceed to Chapter 2h1]
No [Proceed to Chapter 2h2]
[Chapter 2h1]
Whatever. You buy one, flip the clown another cool 420. You wonder why they're all that price? What's the deal with that number, anyway? Poor, naïve Jane. You have no idea that number culturally means SMOKIN WEED, and how stoners think it's funny. You are a smart girl, but there are some things you don't understand, and that makes you more endearing.
[Backtrack to Potion Registry]
[Chapter 2h2]
You tell this clown to take a long walk off a short cliff. He pretends not to hear you and restates his offer. You are getting kind of fed up with this idiot so you purchase yet more useless bottles of liquid. Are we done here bro?
[Backtrack to Potion Registry]
[Chapter 2i]
The potion is full of lime green and red liquid. You ask what it does and the clown simply grins and tells you that you can sample one, free of charge. Plus 420 boondollars.
Sample the Mysterious Potion?
Yes [Proceed to Chapter 2i1]
No [Proceed to Chapter 2i2]
[Chapter 2i1]
You decide it can't hurt – or at least, not that much. You take a swig and immediately feel your head start to spin. The last thing you see before you black out is the clown's huge grin, his ridiculous outfit, and that enormous, transfixing codpiece...
... [Proceed to Chapter 2j]
[Chapter 2i2]
You tell the clown no, but he frowns and insists that it's FREE. He pushes several bottles into your arms and tells you if you drink at least one of the three bottles, he won't charge you for any additional bottles you may choose to buy – discounting the first three. You give up and take a drink, immediately feeling your head start to spin. The last thing you see before you black out is the clown's huge grin, his ridiculous outfit, and that enormous, transfixing codpiece...
... [Proceed to Chapter 2j]
[Chapter 2j]
You awaken in one of the caves you'd previously explored. There are a few rays of light shining through holes in the ceiling and they're near blinding with the headache you're experiencing. At least, you think it's a headache. What else could it be?
As you look around, shapes begin to shift and clouds of smoke drift through the air. They form shapes of Jake and Dirk and the clown's grinning face. You wipe your eyes but the smoke moves closer, engulfing you in a sweet smelling cloud of purple before you find yourself in a room with the strange clown.
He tells you motherfuckin hey, and you reply in kind, giggling at the way the word "motherfuck" rolls off your tongue. As if reading your mind, he asks if you like the way the word rolls of your tongue, and tells you he has something else that'll roll off your tongue. You agree.
Poor, naïve Jane.
The codpiece comes off and you gasp at what you've only read about on those fanfiction forums before. He gives that goofy grin and you can't help but giggle as you move closer on your hands and knees. His gray hand is soft in your hair – why is his hand gray, anyway? - and you slowly wrap your mouth around his hard member, bobbing up and down. It feels large and clumsy in your mouth, but tastes faintly of... fruit? Some sort of pie, perhaps. You don't know, but you continue moving up and down as his hands guide you.
Finally he pulls off and grins, bending you over the fridge and pulling off your pants. You attempt to scold the naughty clown, but his fingers are probing you where they shouldn't be and you can't feel your head. Not that you could before, but now it's much, much more intoxicating. You lie down and allow him to do as he wishes before he rubs that thick member against you. You frown and tell him you've never done this. He says don't motherfuckin worry, he'll be gentle.
He slides into you and you grunt and moan loud, wincing as he stretches you. He just grins and starts moving in and out. After a few moments your muscles relax (more than they already were) and it feels better. You sigh happily and allow the clown to do as he wishes as you breathe in the smoke and puff out different pictures and giggle.
After a little while, he releases a short grunt and you suddenly feel very full. You frown and turn back at him, scolding him for not warning you earlier and he simply shrugs and grins. You feel very tired again and lie your face against the fridge as you black out.
You jerk awake and look at the clown, who simply grins. You ask what he did and he looks rather offended, saying nothing and shaking his head. You chalk it up to the strange potion having worked its "magic" on you and realize you feel very sore, but satisfied. You take three more just in case and glare at him. He grins.
"honk."