I don't own anything belonging to the hunger games, all belongs to Suzanne Collins.
Finding Hope.
Chapter 3.
There standing in front of the large cabin is Peeta. Tears begin to cloud my eye's, silently making their way down my cheeks. He's alive, he's really alive, living safe and sound, away from the dangers, horrors and memory's of what happened. I start walking forward only to be cut off by Haymitch.
"Wait here, I'm just going to have a small talk with him first." I nod understanding. He had told me that Peeta had changed and the Peeta I saw in front of me, he wasn't the one I remember.
Flashback;
Haymitch sits me down in his living room, I'm here all alone, the way he'd asked for.
"Now listen sweetheart, things have changed, between me, you and more specifically the boy." he sighs, I know this is going to be long and hard to hear. " the capital changed him, made him believe things that weren't true, but some, well some came true, in a way."
"what do you mean?"
"Well you know they placed false memory's in his head about you and gale." I nod, already hating where this is going. "Well some of those memory's were designed to be set off by certain triggers, like you leaving him. They said that they where hidden within his mind and well, look it was all technical and I wasn't really paying attention. I was more worried about the boy."
"Haymitch, just tell me, please" I'm begging him know.
"The boy thinks, no believes that you left to be with Gale and, well..."
tears now freely running down my face. " Haymitch, please."
"Mmmmmrrrrrr, mmrrr, mmrrr" Haymitch just mumbles to me, causing anger to boil.
"Haymitch, tell me, now!"
"He thinks that you too are off living a happy life, that your married and have kids together or that was what he thought last time, it could have changed" that stops me dead in my tracks, that Peeta believes this, its destroying me, the only person I've ever dreamt about having kids with was Peeta, long ago. Haymitch letting out a long breath, that he'd been holding continues. "The fact that you left and I couldn't find you, well no one could convince him any differently. The boy didn't try to find you, you know he respected you enough to do what you asked." the guilt and shame felt like a knife in my chest getting twisted. Any hope that I had, had just been crushed. I want to ask why, but Haymitch already answers it for me. "You told him not to, and what ever part of him still loved you, you asked him to let it and you go, so he did. Not the easiest thing for him to do, but eventually he did, the false memory's overtaking their place." I'm openly sobbing now, realising that I destroyed my chance of happiness. Haymitch rises and comes over to me, wrapping me in a fatherly hug, I cling to him.
"I'm not saying you can't get him back, because honestly under it all I still think he loves you more than anything, all I'm saying you just won't be able to run into his arms. Also when you see him you my not recognise him, his appearance has changed as well." with that I just nod. This is going to be hard.
End of flashback.
Standing here I look around, all the other victors stand next to me watching the scene unfold between Haymitch and Peeta. I can hear it between them, they're trying to keep quiet but its not working.
"Peeta, just listen to me, there here because they want to see,not because-"
"Haymitch, what the hell where you thinking bring them here. One; it's not safe, two; I don't want them here, especially those two, I don't what to have their perfect fucking life rubbed in my face. Now do the right thing and get them the fuck out of here." Each word I hear is like a stab to the chest, this definitely isn't my Peeta. He doesn't even look like himself, apart from the eye's, those crystal clear blue eye's that I could get lost in for hours. The changes in him are striking, he's bigger than before in both height and size, muscles are clearly defined along his whole body, his hair having grown too, still golden but more unruly than even and also a golden beard that covers his face. I also note his clothing, hunters clothing, leather boots, jacket and trousers, all dark brown but with faded areas letting me know there well used. Also another striking feature is the bow on his back with a large set of arrows, the knife on his belt, all showing that this Peeta is infinitely more deadlier than the one I know.
"Kid, let them talk to you, let them know your OK. Also their not together never have been, and we both know I stopped lying to you a long time ago."
I see Peeta sigh heavily, his whole chest moving with it, he looks up and over Haymitch and his eye's my contact with mine. I smile the brightest I can trying to convey all the love I can, hoping that something in his feature's will tell me the same, I can tell though that he hides what ever he's feeling away within himself, I don't know which hurts more, that he doesn't think it's safe for us to be round him, the fact he thinks I'm with Gale or that I can't read him like I used to be able to more than likely it's the combination of the three.
"Fine but at the first sign of trouble, from them or me you get the hell out of here. Understand." I see him nod, he fully understands, as do I, any hijack moments we all run, I'm not sure if we'd be able to stop this new Peeta.
Walking back over to us Haymitch looks slightly worried, happy and even more worried, this is going to be different.
"Alright listen, he's agreed to see you all under conditions one-"
"We know Haymitch we overheard. We run if he turns, we don't shout or antagonize him and this could be a one time thing." the last part whispered, so that trying to say it quietly won't make it true. As we begin walking over to him, I have to do everything in my power to stop myself from running and leaping into his arms. Standing here in front of him, old memory's resurface, ones that start to bring tears to my eye's but Peeta, where before would hold me to comfort me makes no move or shows any emotion of care towards me.
I take the first lead. "hi Peeta, it's great to see your alright." lame I know nut what exactly do you say to someone who you love but also crushed, and thought until recently. He says nothing, looking over us all like trying to decided how to kill us all quickly. Finally, after sucking in a deep gulp of air he speaks.
"it's, something to see you guys." He says coldly void of all emotion. " come on we'll go inside, the weather here can get really cold and it's close to winter." he tell us turning and walking away, back to his house. None of us say anything, we just walk with him Haymitch fallowing us, watching us, waiting for any sign of trouble.
Entering his house, the first thing I notice is the homey feeling that runs through me, something I've only ever truly felt with Peeta, after the first game. The hose it's self is elegantly designed, soft blues and whites, warm with an open fire already roaring that completes the feeling of a home, something that by looking at the other victors they feel it to. None of us have had this feeling for a long time and I'm a little jealous that Peeta's had this, stupid and damn right wrong considering the things I've put him through. Another thing I notice are the paintings, the walls are lined with them but none are of the time before he moved here, all show some memory he's made while staying here, away from me.
Peeta walks over to a large cupboard, taking his bow and arrow and storing them inside, walking next over to the kitchen area only pausing long enough to quickly ask if we want tea. Sitting down, there's a tense atmosphere to say the lest.
I get the nerve up to speak.
"Is this what it's going to be like, are we just going to sit and say nothing to each other?"
Peeta snaps his head to look at me. "Well, what the hell do you want me to say, it's fine, we're OK, I forgive you, well tough shit. We're not OK, it's not fine and I don't forgive you, to be honest I'm not sure why any of you are here. Six fucking years we've gone without talking or anything, so why try to change that now."
His words are painful to hear, to all of us but I know that I, not them deserve the treatment they didn't know what I did.
"Peeta, they didn't know what I asked you-"
"And you think that makes it OK!, What are you there fucking master, is it a case of yes or no because last time I checked they where still perfectly capable of making their own choices, they choose not to look or even find out how I was doing, but now you have I'm living happily away from everyone that ever hurt me, or caused me to get hurt." Anger boils in me and before I now it, I'm screaming at him.
"And you think I enjoy the fact that I know I caused you so much pain, that everything you've had to do was because of me, that even though I love you I still push you away and hurt you with everything I did. I came here because I wanted to say I was sorry, sorry for everything, sorry for hurting you, for leading you along, for lying, for not being there for you like you where for me, for being the biggest bitch alive and forcing you to leave and taking everything away from you. I'm sorry. Please, just please don't be me, don't forget me or push me away, please I- I- I can't survive without you any more." I'm vaguely aware that everyone has left the kitchen, only moving to the living room. This is between us two. "What I've been doing these last years, it's not living, it's not even surviving, it's drifting through life-like a broken shell, someone who half complete, who's not complete because they sent the one , they've imagined doing everything with away." I realise that I've cried, that I've spilled my guts out to Peeta, that I've told him I love him. My legs are shaking, my lip quivering, cheeks soaked with tears, I close my eyes turning away from him ready to run, when I'm shocked to my core, Peeta wraps his arms around me, drawing me into a loving hug that I've denied myself for six long years.
I turn into his arms, clutching his shirt, afraid that if I let go he'll leave and I'll lose him for good.
The hug is short-lived, Peeta pulls away pushing me as well. "I shouldn't have done that." he says taking steps back from me, each one breaking my heart.
"Peeta, please." I whisper, nothing louder could be said.
"No, this isn't right, I can't just forgive you, not again, not when I know you won't run away at the first sign of trouble, not when I know you've been with him." the last part he almost hisses at me.
"No! I haven't been with Gale, there's nothing between us, never will be, don't see things when they aren't there."
"Well I'm sorry if you can see everything so fucking clear, couldn't do that six fucking years ago could you, when I was broken beyond belief, you couldn't have given to fucks about me, you only care for your self. I bet the only reason your here is because of guilt, shame and the nightmares, what is it you want a good nights sleep, well I got something for you to try, it involves a blade and your wrist, that's how I managed to get a night sleep after everything."
"I'm not talking to you until you calm down and think reasonably." I say as I walk away, angry tears already making their way down my cheeks.
"Yip!, there's the Katniss that everyone know, selfish, hateful and only thinking of herself, glad to see you sweetheart." the pisses me off beyond measure, using the nickname Haymitch gave me. I walk over to him, raise my hand and try to bring it down across his cheek but it never happen, he catches it mid-flight.
"Don't! Ever! Try! To! Hit! Me!" he says forcibly shoving my hand away. "What you don't like the truth so you try to hit the person, the truth hurts, I know that better than anyone."
Finally all I feel is defeat. "why can't you- why can't we just try to move on, I know I fucked up but I'm trying to fix it, to make it right."
He snorts. "What did you think that you'd say I love you and what, that I'd fall back into your lying arms, that I'd forget everything I had to endure on my own. There is no quick fix, I don't even know if their is a fix for this. Something take time, and some are to badly damaged there gone."
Sobbing openly now I ask. "Which one are we?"
"To be honest I don't know." And with that he walks out the room, leaving me sobbing and into his room closing and locking the door.
I don't know how long I passed out for, after the first conversation with Peeta, but when I come to I can here hushed voices and I see from the widow is well into night.
"You didn't need to be that rough with her."
"She needed to know, I needed to tell her, that was one of the steeps in the doc's plan, for me to at last admitted what it felt like to be broken by her."
"Can't you see she her to fix that, Christ she even admitted that she loved you, when the fuck has that happened before."
"it's not that simple Haymitch, a part of me what's to run out there, shake her awake and beg her for forgiveness, forgiveness for me being the biggest ass alive, then the other part reminds me of what she did, the truth is I can't take letting her into my life again only to have her leave, I'm not strong enough. If that happens then I will throw myself off the cliff."
Hearing that It gives me a new bout of energy, I leap up, almost falling back from the sudden movement, making my way quickly over to his door I throw it open, looking straight at Haymitch, he gets the picture and leaves, me slamming the door. Round two begin.
" I know I fucked up, I know there no easy fix but I want the chance to fix it, I'm not running any more, you are. I already forgive you for what happened early today, I deserved it but I want to be with you only you, I want to live a life with you in it, doing everything together, house, marriage, kids, growing old. I want to stay with you forever, to hold you like you did for me when the pain gets too much, I love you and I want-" the next part of my, made up on the spot speech is lost to me as Peeta crushes his lips to mine, instantly I'm in heaven, the pure lust and passion between us is indescribable. We spend, god know who long kissing, our hands roaming over every inch of our clothed bodies before we pull away both looking dreamingly into each others eye's.
Peeta speaks first "We take it slow." is all he says, and I nod. Together, as one thought we make our way over to his bed, stripping down to our under cloths we get into bed and I nestle my way into his arms, both encircling me.
"Night, I love you." He doesn't say it back, it's to soon for him but he does kiss the back of my neck. I realise that I haven't been out, that our friends haven't spoken to Peeta but I can't brig myself to care, I'm hear in his arms, home and safe. I only notice the wisp of old, grey, blonde hair leaving the room as I slip into a hopeful filled dream.