Castle Storming 101
[One-Shot]

The sword was warm in his hand. The leather handle was soaked through with sweat and the blade itself was shining with the light from below. Maybe the warmth came from within himself, channeled into a heat so hot that he couldn't handle it himself, his literal sick fires themselves imbued into the blade and causing a natural reaction, forcing him to fight down his own instinct to drop it like it's hot (which, of course, it is).

Or, of course, it could've been from the lava pool surrounding the castle, as well. He stood on the cliff, looking down into the ravine between him and the brown, almost wood-like castle. Deep below, there were small black rocks that formed a path up to the main entrance of the castle.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" he sighed, whipping his sword around to dig into the cliff wall and using it as a handhold as he began to descend. "This is like textbook fucking castle storming right here. Literal moat made of lava. The little path down there probably isn't going to do shit, and a god damn dragon is gonna come out of the lava right before I make my way to the castle, and I'm gonna be like 'oh man look at this huge fucking lizard' and it's going to use its fire breath to stop me from reaching the castle." He swore as his foot kicked a rock loose, swinging from one hand, only his sword embedded into the rock preventing him from falling to his death, and yet his expression still stoic.

"And I mean honestly," he continued, regaining his footing and continuing his descent, the lava reflected in the black eyewear across his eyes. "I'm gonna get my ass handed to me. Once again: Castle storming 101, it's like I'm in the third fucking grade and Mrs. Johnson is writing on the chalkboard 'HOW TO STORM A CASTLE', and step goddamn one is 'cross the lava pit and fight the dragon'. There's some scribbles in the corner that the damn delinquent student made with the dragon eating the hero and Mrs. Johnson just chuckles because she knows how fuckin' likely and true it is." He finally reached the bottom, dropping onto one of the large black rocks floating in the water, causing it to rock and kick up magma.

"Oh man look at that. Typical rock behavior. Oh, rock's floating on something? You land on it all dramatic and it splashes up whatever it's floating in like, 'remember that there's something below you, and you're cast adrift in an ocean of dumb bullshit'. It's like a metaphor for what I'm doing right fucking now." He shook his head, deftly jumping across onto the next rock, then the next, making his way along the long, winding path up to the castle. "Oh man, here it comes." He finished his jump, landing on the last rock and turning as a few bubbles broke the surface of the lava. As the last one popped, a massive white figure shot forward, up and out of the boiling liquid. Gouts of flame shot from its open maw, its wings spread wide, nearly as wide as the rock Dave was standing on.

"Oh man, look at this huge fuck-" The dragon screamed, a jet of flame shooting towards Dave, who raised his sword, the flames repelled by the magic blade. "Damn straight." The dragon moved forward, pumping its wings and moving toward him as he hacked away at the vine-esque entrance on the door. "Shit- c'mon- open the fuck up you piece of- there it is!" He kicked the now clear door open, diving inside as the dragon flew past him, spreading itself out within the interior of the castle, which Dave could now see was more than just wood-like. He darted behind a twisted pillar, gripping his sword and adjusting his shades.

"Alright you oversized iguana, I'm about to crush you like a fat, ham-fisted kid crushes a bug. Trying to prove my worth to myself, since I can't prove it to my over-achieving dad who has loftier hopes than I can ever dream to accomplish. The simple act of crushing the bug validating my- oh fuck," he grimaced, his monologue cut short as the dragon swiped with its massive claws, cutting just a few threads from Dave's knightly hood. "Heh. Classic." He moved to the next pillar, repeating his strategy of using his sword as a climbing implement, but backwards this time, ascending the pillar to a capstone and holding his position there. The dragon screamed once more, moving behind the pillar but not finding the Knight, pausing in confusion. "Ollie fuckin' oop." He dropped down off of the gnarled wood pillar, thrusting his sword below him and stabbing through the white scales of the dragon, causing a loud scream to erupt from its belly, billowing flames as the red stained the white of its hide.

"Oh come on calm down we both knew it was coming," Dave consoled the beast as it felt to its knees, arms just too short to reach the back of its neck where Dave had stabbed. He withdrew the sword as the dragon finally fell lifeless to the ground, unmoving. "Not gonna get back up or anything? When I come down these stairs you better not open a damn eye like 'oh shit look who's gonna come back'. You're dead, got it?" He gave the side of the dragon's head a kick for good measure and moved to the staircase, retrieving a map from his satchel. "Alright, sick, step one done. Kill dragon. Step two, find phat fuckin' loot. Little gold pile drawn here for good measure. Nice notation, Galileo."

He took the steps two at a time, sheathing his now bloodied sword as he crested the top of the stairs, a door between him and one of the three towers atop the castle, looking like branches of a tree. "And a one and a two and a-" He kicked the door in, pausing to find a very stunned looking young woman. "Wait. What?"

"Who are you?" she asked, standing and reaching beside her to grab a cane.

"Okay no wait, seriously, what?"

"Who are you and what are you doing in my castle?" she demanded, bringing her cane up like a blade.

"Hold up. So. That pile of gold on the map is… a girl?"

"What map? What pile of gold?"

"Do I even have the right castle? Hold on, I'm really turned around now." The girl studied him quizzically as he entered, sitting on her bed. "Okay, so let's see. This is the tree castle."

"Right," she said tentatively.

"The one guarded by a massive fuckin' dragon, and is supposed to have a ton of sick treasures inside for me to pillage, all knight-like."

"I don't think there's any treasure," she replied with a frown.

"Well no, now that I'm here I can see that. I mean, not to say you aren't a choice catch yourself, if I'm not kidding anyone. Like, have you seen yourself lately? Damn."

"No, I haven't," she replied flatly. "Are you making fun of my blindness?"

"What- no, no way. Are you blind?"

"Isn't it obvious?" she frowned. "I've got a walking cane, red glasses, and I'm being held in a castle guarded by a dragon."

"Okay, well yes, I guess I could've figured from the cane and maybe the glasses but… the castle and dragon? Not exactly typical 'my daughter's blind' behavior."

"Hm."

"Right." He sat there for a moment and pulled off his shades. As he did so, she sniffed the air.

"Is that… cherries?"

"Huh-?" He looked over to see a bright red tongue in his face, assaulting his eyeballs. "Hey, fuck, cut that out!"

"But your eyes taste so good!" she whined.

"What do you mean?" he asked, flabbergasted, returning his shades to his eyes for protection.

"I can taste the color of your eyes. They're bright, cherry red, like your sword."

"Oh. You can… taste colors?"

"Of course. Blind, remember?"

"Yeah, no, I think you have some issues realizing what 'blind' means. So you can… basically see with your tongue?"

"And nose," she smiled, tapping the side of her freckled nose.

"Huh." She sniffed.

"I smell… oh."

"Huh what?"

"No, nothing," she replied with a blush.

"Alright, you gotta tell me what you smell. It's like, knight-saving-princess etiquette."

"Really?"

"Yeah sure."

"I smell… you."

"Yeah?"

"You're… thinking about me."

"What do you mean- oh. Fuck. You can smell that?" She nodded, moving a bit closer. "Yeah well like I said you're just, uh, attractive," he coughed. "It's not a big deal."

"It's not?" she asked, settling into his lap.

"Oh god uh no it's not a big deal," he muttered, hands in the air, not knowing where to place them, his face remaining stoic as ever.

"It seems like a pretty… big deal," she smirked.

"I caught that innuendo, you know. Like, it soared right toward me like a damn homerun ball and I fuckin' whipped out my baseball mitt which I keep handy for just such occasions and- mmf!" Her lips crushed to his, cutting his story short with a nearly pointed tongue that darted into his mouth for a moment before he pulled back. "Oh sweet jesus hold up, little princess lady."

"I'm not a princess," she pouted, crossing her arms. "And why stop? I can feel that you want me." She punctuated her statement by grinding her hips hard and making his arms shake.

"Unh, yeah, you sure can, and because, I dunno, I feel like I'm just taking advantage of you. You're not a princess? Why are you up here?"

"Like I said-"

"Right, blind, whatever. But if I just… I dunno, kick down your castle door and ravage you, that seems a bit… insensitive."

"Take me back with you, then. You don't have to leave me here."

"I mean true. But you're…"

"The treasure," she grinned, blind eyes sparkling behind her glasses. "You wanted a treasure, and now here I am." He inhaled sharply.

"Ugh, alright fine." He gripped her, kissing her hard and running his hands up her back, receiving a delighted giggle as she tugged off her glasses and reached for his. "Whoa wait no dice, blindy. I gotta wear my shades."

"You're going to wear them while we have sex," she stated flatly.

"Well. Yeah, I was planning on it." She rolled her eyes, yanking his hair and getting a yelp as she tugged off his shades and tossed them to the ground, pinning him to the bed. "Mmh, you're damn lucky you're cute," he grunted as she giggled, gripping him through his baggy Knight attire, working his already throbbing erection into near steel-like hardness. "Fuck yes…" She bit down hard on his neck, growling and drawing blood, making him groan and writhe, finally smirking, his blood staining her lips and teeth.

"Terezi," she whispered huskily into his ear.

"Huh?"

"My name is Terezi." She undid her dress and tossed it to the floor, her naked body grinding him uninhibited.

"Oh. Dave." He quickly undid his belt, pulling his trousers down as she gripped him, sliding him in deep.

"Nice to meet you, Dave," she moaned loud, shuddering and pushing down onto his base.

"Man, you are a weird fuckin' chick." She bit him again and he yelped, gripping her hips as she began to ride him, grinding slowly and sitting her body up, pulling nearly all of him out of her but his cockhead before slamming down again, causing them both to cry out, and beginning to repeat this. She rode him for a while, his hands exploring her hips and breasts before grabbing her and throwing her to bed, standing behind her. "You don't want to get pregnant or anything, right?"

"Ooh, Dave, you better be planning what I think you are." Her hands balled into fists, grabbing handfuls of the sheets as he lined himself up, slowly pushing into her ass, causing her to cry out loudly. "Oh shit! Aaah fuck!"

"Calm down, princess," he replied, gathering more of her fluids from her dripping cunt and using it to lubricate himself. "That's it. Relax. Unh…" He grunted and slowly began to pump in and out of her, stretching her as he did so, finally grabbing her long black hair and yanking as he pumped in deep, eliciting a scream from her as her back arched, body trembling. "Shit, you cumming?"

"Shut up and fuck me," she whimpered into the sheets, her body racked with tremors, chest heaving with heavy breath as he grabbed one of her breasts and yanked her hair again, beginning to pump her remorselessly, receiving a loud yelp each time.

"I'm… gonna cum," he growled, gritting his teeth. She nodded hard, wiping her hair from her sweat-caked face and looking back at him, grinning with her blood-stained mouth and white, blind eyes.

"Cum in your blind slut." He reeled, gripping her tight as he peaked, pumping in deep and filling her with his fluids, his noise a choked groan as he pumped harder, shooting rope after rope of cum deep into her ass as she moaned, shuddering and coming down off of her own orgasm. "Fuck that felt good…"

"No kidding," he panted, adjusting his shades and tugging up his pantaloons. "Step one, kill the dragon. Step two, bang some bomb-ass blind chick and take her back as your bride. Sounds like a damn plan to me."

"Wait, you didn't kill Pyralspite, did you?"

"…what no."