A/N: hi! I'm admittedly rather nervous about this chapter; it's one of the first times I have written like this and definitely the first time I've shared it. So any feedback you have good or bad would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

Chapter 5: "In three words I can summarise all I've learnt about live: It goes on"

(Robert Frost)

10 years. A decade. So much can happen in 10 years; love, joy, pain, betrayal … death.

As the bartender passed over Neal's drink he looked up to the sky and toasted before downing the drink in one. He deserved it today, he was celebrating. They were never actually (legally) married but forever the romantic he had already laid some daffodils wrapped in a tin binding in front of her urn.

He still couldn't believe she was gone. He thought he should be hurting right now, sat at home crying into a glass of wine maybe. But instead he just felt … empty. Well, no, that wasn't completely true – he could feel all of the tumultuous emotions inside of him, all of the raw grief and pain but it was all out of reach, boxed in a corner somewhere and it felt like it wasn't his. He guessed that was why he found himself here in some bar drinking like any other guy rather than sobbing on his bathroom floor or whatever he was supposed to be doing. It seemed Neal Caffrey was such a sufficient conman he had conned himself into somehow being okay when the love of his life was dead on their 10 year anniversary.

He felt so alone in his emptiness, Mozzie had left on 'business', June was visiting one of her granddaughters and Peter just wouldn't understand and Neal found he couldn't bring himself to make him. He didn't want someone to ask questions or demand explanations he just wanted someone to talk to who wouldn't judge him or Kate regardless of what he said. Elizabeth came to mind but he discarded that thought with the assertion that if he opened up to her it would essentially be like telling Peter.

Neal was looking into his refilled glass of scotch when he felt a light, cautious tap on his shoulder, "Mr. Campbell?"

Who would…"Dr. Winters?" It was the radiologist from the hospital, the one whose emerald eyes had confirmed all Neal had needed to know. He hadn't really needed the phone call and subsequent appointment with Reynolds to tell him what was going on but it had still been a shock for the words to be spoken. Before then it could just be written off as him reading too much into things or overreacting but now, now it was real.

Neal realised he had zoned out when the doctor was still stood there slightly awkwardly and said, presumably for the second time, "Would it be ok if I sat with you?"

He budged his stool over a bit and gestured to the seat next to him, continuing to look down. In the back of his mind he heard "James, don't be rude" and he winced. It was his mother's voice; he hadn't heard her voice in so long. Logically he knew this meant he should stop drinking and take the pills Reynolds prescribed him but emotionally he had to admit it was kind of nice to be able to hear his mother again.

He sensed the doctor's eyes on him and wondered whether he should make like Peter and bring up 'the game' whatever that was at the minute. Luckily Winters made the first move, "So, what brings you here Mr. Campbell?"

"It's my anniversary and call me James, Mr. Campbell's my father" Neal regained some conversational skills and kept up the chitchat if only to avoid the awkwardness that had settled before.

"Well if I'm calling you James I guess you should call me Sam. Besides being called doctor still feels a bit odd"

Neal noticed that rather than commenting or asking why he would be here on his anniversary like he had assumed he would the doctor, no, Sam had just nodded in acceptance.

"So, what are you doing here then Sam?"

"Stag do, my cousin is getting married so I get to hang out with a group of crazed men for the evening." Neal assumed said cousin was female from Sam's apparent distaste and distance from the men.

"Still, it isn't all that bad, they are quite entertaining" At this Sam brandished his phone and as if to further prove his point one of the men from the rowdy group started slurring his love for the groom whilst practically hanging off his body in a hug.

"Ah, the effects of alcohol" Neal said and they toasted while sharing a conspiratorially humorous glance as Sam proceeded to take a few photos of the men. Neal decided that he liked this guy.

"Where's the lucky girl then?" Sam asked innocently and Neal felt his insides twist at the similarity between his expression and that of Kate when they had been practising their 'innocent' looks, his face also bore a resemblance to some other looks they had shared. Sam appeared to be looking at Neal's hand and had noticed the lack of a ring.

"She died."

"Oh…I'm so sorry" And he was, as far as Neal could tell, genuine.

"It would have been 10 years today" Neal said sadly into his scotch glass.

"How long has it been since she passed?"

"8 months, but we had been apart for a while." Neal felt it best to leave out the whole prison sentence, international thieves, kidnapping part, "But then we had found each other again and … she's gone."

"8 months…the explosion" Sam surmised sympathetically, "It was in your medical records" he hastened to clarify when Neal's head snapped up enquiringly.

"Look busy, Big Brother's watching" Brandon Boyd

"What?"

Neal didn't realise he had said that out loud rather than Mozzie saying it in his head, "Just something a friend of mine would say."

"Ah, he sounds… interesting."

"Well, may we live in interesting times"

"May you find what you're looking for"

"You know Chinese curses?"

"Actually it is widely disputed whether that curse is in fact Chinese but yeah I know a few quotes. Life would be tragic were it not funny"

"Stephen Hawking, Quality is doing it right when no-one's looking"

"Henry Ford"

They smiled at each other.

"James, it will get better - you just have to keep going and wait for the world to let you catch up again."

"I don't know who said that"

"My grandfather did, after my mum passed"

"Was he right?"

"Some days I ask myself that same question but what I've found is that as long as you never lose that feeling when you think of them, as long as you never stop loving them. Well then you're doing okay"

Neal looked up again, met Sam's green eyes and felt one of the most genuine if sad smiles he had ever shared come across his face.

"What was she like?"

"My mum?" Neal nodded, "She was…understanding, blunt and wise, near the end. I felt like I could tell her anything but she wouldn't take any shit from me you know?" Sam answered with a wistful and slightly choked up voice.

"Yeah, Kate was the same. But it was like two ways with us, we just got each other. She had this uncanny ability to know when I was going to do something stupid and she would just give me this knowing look telling me to stop whatever hare-brained idea I had this time"

"I was going to build the first robot, had all of these schematics drawn up and everything."

"I was going to get my paintings in the Louvre"

"Fly to the moon"

"Steal the Crown Jewels"

"Make everything better" they said this together and shared a sad, whimsical look.

He decided to take a leap of faith, "Do you like wine? Cause, I have this lovely Sauvignon Blanc at my place."

"That sounds lovely"

Walking out of the bar he felt some of the loneliness ebb away, Neal Caffrey may be a con but James Campbell was a man who needed comfort just as much as the next guy.

~WC~

Sam was taken aback when he saw the hot guy from the hospital again in the bar that he was stuck in with his cousin's stupid fiancé and his friends. He was pleasantly surprised how nice the guy was once he got up the nerve to talk to him and he was quite amazed by how much they had in common. He was shocked when James – the Adonis no less – invited him back to his place for drinks.

But what took him completely by surprise was himself. Sam Winters that nerdy guy from the x-ray room who blushes when anybody good looking so much as looks at him made the first move. He comforted the guy who was still mourning his girlfriend. He didn't jump up and down and scream like the excited little girl he was when he was invited round to James' place. And in the cab ride over which was partaken in companionable silence he didn't start babbling about the Hubble telescope, particle accelerators or Doctor Who – impressive if you knew his track record.

Sam felt completely comfortable in James' company once they had moved past the initial awkwardness at the bar, he felt like he was meant to be here by his side. Hell, he wasn't even sure if the guy was gay or bi actually considering he had a girlfriend of 10 years but he just felt weirdly calm and collected in his presence.

However when they got out of the cab and Sam paid the driver, which he justified with the simple fact he was about to be drinking the guy's wine, his jaw hit the floor. Literally – I mean he's still got a bruise there.

"You live here?" He asked in a disjointed shock.

"Yeah, I rent out the apartment on the third floor – June is a very generous woman" James replied rather nonplussed.

Once they reached his apartment and just as Sam was brushing off the initial shock he was once again amazed by the million dollar view of the City.

"Whoa" he breathed as he took in the sparkling lights all around him feeling rather out of his depth with someone who by all appearances was way out of his league.

"You never quite get used to it" James sounded wistful.

"It's beautiful" at this Sam also looked at James in what he hoped conveyed his double meaning.

He guessed he succeeded when the seemingly unflappable guy blushed sheepishly and quickly retreated with the promise to grab them some wine. His attention was so consumed by the view that he didn't notice the inordinately long amount of time James took or his quick stop by his bookcase and then the closet or the expression of relief on his face when he returned.

Gratefully accepting the proffered wine glass and keeping his attention on the view Sam mulled over his options:

1) Run away back to his humble abode under the stairs in Brooklyn and never speak of this night again.

2) Offer to just be friends in the hopeful avoidance of the awkward I'm not gay speech

3) Turn around, grab James by the shoulders and slam him into a wall whilst snogging him.

"Kate would have loved it here" James interrupted his rather amorous daydreaming and he immediately felt guilty for having forgotten that he was still grieving.

"You weren't together here?"

"No, last time we were together was in this crappy apartment but we would get this empty Bordeaux bottle and drink cheap wine out of it. We used to pretend we were in the French Riviera." James said this while gazing out into the distance seemingly lost in the memories.

"That sounds…" He searched for the right word

"Ridiculous?"

"Touching" he clarified

"You know everyone always told me that it wouldn't work between us, that she didn't feel the same as I did."

"Did she?" He prompted after a few moments of silence

"I guess I'll never know."

There wasn't really much he could say to that but the guilty feelings intensified and twisted his gut when he felt almost glad that this woman wasn't around to play with his emotions anymore.

"Loving the idea of someone isn't the same as actually loving someone"

James seemed to do that quite a bit - randomly quote things - Sam just decided to go with it, "Love is not with the eyes but the mind, that's why cupid is painted blind."

James turned around and looked at him as though with those deep blues he could see right into him, "Shakespeare" he whispered.

This is it Sam do it! He yelled at himself.

Gently, as though approaching a wild animal, he lifted his hand to caress James' cheek. Encouraged by the slight lean into his touch he brought up his other hand and slowly moved forward until their foreheads were together.

Taking a leap of faith he moved forward as James did too and their lips met tenderly, nervously as though they were both worried the other would pull away. Just as Sam was about to move back when he noticed the stray tears rolling down his partner's cheeks James opened his mouth and whispered with such wanton yet sad desire that Sam felt he couldn't refuse, "Please".