Chapter 7: - "It is impossible to suffer without making someone pay for it" Friedrich Nietzsche

Life goes on, that's what everybody says. It was odd how true this fact presented itself when something terrible happens and yet to the rest of the world it's just a normal day. Someone was born maybe someone won the lottery, got promoted…everything stays the same. No-one truly makes an impact no matter how much we may think we are the star of our stories we are inevitably extras for everyone else. It therefore shouldn't be a surprise that when someone dies nothing really happens, yes friends and family may mourn and co-workers and acquaintances express their sympathies but in the end everything goes back to normal.

When for example someone is mourning their girlfriend and then is told they have brain cancer sometimes no-one notices. No-one notices this person is hurting, physically and emotionally, no-one notices this person has to go to hospital and have his own nurse. No-one notices anything.

Sometimes it feels like there is no point to getting out of bed and going on into the 9 to 5 existence we live in. No point in anything any more when you feel alone.

But other times you find someone who does notice and more than that they care. It isn't perfect, nothing ever is, but it's nice to know that there is someone out there who knows, who cares enough to know. Someone else who knows the nurse's names and the medications you have to take to keep the voices in your head quiet. This someone may not know everything about you – everyone has secrets – but they know the important things and they know the little things.

They know that you have nightmares that leave you screaming in the middle of the night too scared to close your eyes and have to face your demons again. They know you take your coffee with cream but no sugar. They know you have to be reminded to take your pills or eat because otherwise you'll forget until your stomach forces you to. They know your favourite food despite all of the fancy gourmet things you love is mint chocolate chip ice cream.

They know that sometimes you feel so alone in the world that you just need a shoulder to cry on and mourn how many you've lost.

And life goes on, through the good and through the bad it goes on. You just have to cling on to what you have left and hope you don't get lost along the way.

~WC~

It had been 3 weeks since Neal got the call that he knew was coming, 1 week since his first radiation treatment for the tumour pressing down on his brain. He hadn't told anyone yet, that ingrained reluctance from his youth of not letting anyone see what was wrong, of always presenting an image of perfection.

It was different with Sam. When Neal (or James) was with Sam he could release the built up tension and relax some of his many walls. While he still wouldn't be considered an open person with him he did show some of his emotions and had begun to share some of his past.

He knew he would eventually have to balance out his life with Peter and Moz and the life he was having with Sam by telling him that as far as everyone knew he was Neal Caffrey (ex-)con and hope Sam accepted this, but for now life was pretty good.

Sam had looked after him when he'd been recuperating over the weekend after his first treatment and they'd been on a few dates as well. It hadn't developed into anything serious yet with just a couple of dinners, a movie and a trip around one of the galleries in his radius but it was nice, one of the only normal relationships Neal had ever had.

Physically he was better than he had been a few short months ago when the symptoms started and the pills he had been given meant that he was no longer vomiting up everything he ate and the voices and his headaches were greatly lessened. Emotionally he was still feeling the sadness, anger and guilt of Kate's death but he was also happier than he had been in a long time.

But now he was able to finally begin to use up his tremulous emotions through faking the FBI file and getting Alex to steal the music box (again) so he would be able to draw Fowler out. All he had to do to make sure everything kept to plan was ensure that Diana didn't leave before Alex had the chance to be in and out with the box. How hard could it be?

~WC~

How do you tell a guy that you found who purchased the explosions that killed his girlfriend? As Diana left the van to work from home after a weirdly attached Neal had tried to get her to stay Peter contemplated how to break this new bit of information to his partner.

Taking a deep breath he started, "You won't admit it and you won't show it but I know how difficult these last few months have been for you." The last few years really what with being in prison and then chasing after Kate just to lose her again Peter added in his head, "I'm glad that you trusted me."

"Of course" Neal replied as though it was a simple thing and warmth blossomed in Peter's stomach.

Decision cemented he continued, "I'm returning the favour" handing over the potentially game-changing file he explained further "this is a receipt for parts used in making the bomb on Kate's plane."

"It says the buyer's name is Aaron Burgess. Who is that?" Neal was perusing the file and asking questions as he would on any other case but it was with the next point that Peter was wary of a reaction.

"It's an alias of Fowler"

Neal's head snapped up (well it rose quite quickly but for Neal that was as much of a tell as you were going to get) and a brief flash of anger shone in his eyes.

"Diana tracked his purchases and found that, made one week before the explosion."

"Fowler bought the explosives and blew up the plane" Neal surmised with the calm tone Peter recognized as concealed anger.

"You okay?" He didn't want Neal running off after Fowler half-cocked.

"Yeah" Neal answered with a not quite perfectly faked smile.

After a couple more rounds of assurances on both of their parts Peter's phone rang. Diana.

"Is Neal with you? Someone broke into my apartment. The music box is gone."

Fury boiled through him but he buried it knowing that pushing Neal was like drawing blood from a stone, "Tell me you didn't do this Neal."

"Do what? I've been here with you." Neal seamlessly proclaimed his innocence and incensed Peter more.

"The music box has been safe in Diana's apartment for months and the minute I tell you about it it disappears."

"I didn't take it" evasion – Mozzie or Alex declared his FBI instincts.

"You're not going to get away with this Neal."

"I didn't take it! Why do you never trust me?"

"Because as soon as I do you or one of your friends does something like this. How am I supposed to trust you when all you ever do is break it? Trust the system Neal"

Neal laughed at that slightly hysterically, "Trust the system. You know that's rich Peter. The system that chucked me in jail with a bunch of murderers, the system that kidnapped Kate, the system that killed her. I knew you were loyal Peter but I didn't realise you were so naïve."

"Naïve? I'm naïve? Kate used you like a play toy for years – playing that innocent little girl act while you were sent to rot in prison. You may have loved her Neal but what do you really know of how she felt about you?"

"How dare you!" Neal grabbed Peter and pushed him back into the surveillance van's walls with a thud, "You didn't know Kate, you judged her based on nothing. She loved me and I loved her we were going to be together but then you showed up!"

"You can't blame me for you going to prison Neal"

"I don't." Neal continued with a cold detachment "Did you listen to the plane's log Peter? Kate called Fowler, told him that you were there and then boom. Gone, because of you."

Peter grabbed Neal and swung him around until he was pinning him against the van's walls, "If I wasn't there you would be dead!"

"If you weren't there Kate would be alive!"

Something was pressing into him when he leaned in to Neal and he cut off his reply as he yanked the bottle of pills from Neal's pocket. He abruptly relinquished his hold on Neal and stepped back shocked.

The bottle didn't have a label and he shook it angrily as he demanded, "What the hell are these?"

"Peter it's they're" Neal stammered anger seemingly forgotten.

"What do you do drugs now? Oh my God. The paleness, the scratching, the tiredness." He shook his head disbelievingly as the pieces finally fell into place, "Give me your arm."

"Peter, I can explain"

"Give me your arm!" he thundered grabbing the offending limb and brutally rolling up the sleeve, vintage Devore be damned. Sure enough there on the inside of his elbow were needle marks.

"Peter it's not what you think it is"

"I don't want to hear any more of your lies. Get out Neal. And don't bother coming into the office tomorrow - you're benched."

"Peter you can't do this."

"I can do whatever the hell I want with you, now get out!"

~WC~

Neal was still fuming the next day as he went to the antiques shop he knew Mozzie was going to meet his fellow encryptor at. Peter hadn't even let him explain what his pills were for what would happen if he didn't take them. He had called his doctor but been told they couldn't get him any more until Monday and that he should get someone to stay with him. Neal Caffrey didn't need a babysitter, how could Peter do this do him!

They need to be punished for what they've done.

Neal shook his head in a vain attempt to get rid of the voice but he knew they wouldn't go away. He increased his pace; maybe if he got to Mozzie he could get himself distracted in aiding with the decryption. People may not think him a tech guy but he had been an accomplished hacker in a different life.

Ensuring his mask was firmly in place Neal entered the eclectic shop and approached Mozzie at the counter. He filled him in on what had happened and listened to Akhiro's idea of the two part code. He had just decided to go home as he had been advised when the gun on the side caught his eye.

The voices began to speak in earnest.

Fowler bought the explosives that blew up Kate's plane.

He must be punished.

Justice or revenge

He killed Kate.

He looked back contemplating…No. This wasn't him; he didn't resort to violence to get what he wanted. Besides he hated guns.

You're a coward Caffrey

Fowler needs to be stopped

He killed Kate

Why aren't you avenging me Neal? I thought you loved me.

He grabbed the gun and left the shop. He needed to get Fowler for Kate.

~WC~

It wasn't the first time Neal had used the anklet key but it was the most significant, this was the time that it would be noticed. This was a point he couldn't turn back from.

He had only used the key two times before once on the first night he was together with Sam and he had ridden the buzz of being free all night as well as releasing his tension with Sam. It had been amazing but the next day he had felt like he had cheated in his deal with Peter.

The second time was when Sam had looked after him when he had had his radiotherapy session at the hospital that was for the whole day and June had been out of town so he had attached the anklet to Bugsy who had surprisingly taken to it charmingly. The feeling of cheating had been lessened by the after-effects of the session and the comfort of having Sam, he had felt like a normal person – like for once he wasn't Neal Caffrey the perfect conman he was just … him.

I thought you loved me Neal

I thought I was the one

His guilt over Kate's death and wanting to stay in New York increased tenfold after spending time with Sam it felt like he was cheating on her. Even though she was dead, she would always be the one that got away.

As he got out the gun and the anklet key his doubts once again surfaced, was he doing the right thing – stooping to Fowler's level of using violence to get what he wanted?

He killed me

If you ever loved me you would do this

I'm dead because of him

The voices hadn't stopped following him all day and he listened pushing aside the last vestiges of doubt he had – Fowler had to pay for what he had done.

~WC~

Neal walked around the Russian Heritage Museum a man on a mission having compartmentalized his feelings to pull off the con and get in as another amicable party-goer. That was until he spotted Fowler from the courtyard and all of his simmering rage boiled over.

Murderer

He ran through the rooms to the main marble staircase and the upper floors.

Killer

Turning to continue down the corridor to Fowler's hiding place he found his way blocked by Peter and some sort of security guard.

Burke's here does this change the plan?

If you weren't there Kate would still be alive!

Neal felt the embers of rage for his handler but it paled in comparison to the burning fury he felt for Fowler. He ran back to the top of the stairs and saw the curtains out on the balcony.

"Neal! You got nowhere to go."

Government Pigs

Neal felt the unrepentant smirk curve his lips as he grabbed a knife from a very poorly secured display box and went back out to the balcony.

Beware him who is slow to anger

It is stronger when it comes and is longer kept

Abused patience turns to fury.

Slashing the bindings that kept the curtain to the rail Neal grabbed on and swung across the abyss bracing his body and crashing into Fowler's room.

Faced with the man who had murdered his beloved he felt all of his pools of anger boil up into an all-consuming rage.

Murderer

He fired a shot.

Killer

He kept his gun level at Fowler.

He killed me, Neal

"Tell me why you killed Kate!"

Gone forever

"You blew up the plane to get rid of us!"

All alone with a broken brain

"What was in it for you?"

Tick Tock Tick Tock

6 months tops if treatment doesn't work

Tick Tock Tick Tock

He was distantly aware of Peter entering the room

You can be a con or a man you can't be both

Tick Tock Tick Tock

"What do you know? Tell me what you know!" His words were tighter now tinged with pain.

Conmen only get their hearts broken once

"You want to kill me Neal? Go ahead and pull the trigger."

Always give yourself the advantage son

He moved toward Peter as though he were going to give himself up.

Keep all the cards close to your chest, up your sleeve.

He killed me.

Murderer

And in one movement he turned, grabbed Fowler and held his gun to the agent's temple.

"Neal this isn't you."

He needs to feel my pain

"I want him to know how it felt. How she felt."

"You're not a killer"

Neal Caffrey master conman can be whoever he pleases when he pleases.

"Look at me Neal"

Who is your medical proxy?

Do you need to call family?

All alone without an anchor in your storm

"Neal look at me, come on"

Daddy's little boy scared of a gun

Couldn't even save his own mother

Coward

Weakling

His hands shook with the pain reverberating through his head.

Find the one who pulled the trigger not the gun

Look for justice not revenge

Find my killer, show them my pain

He reluctantly gave Peter the gun, not meeting his eyes.

"Cuff him."

As Fowler turned around with a gut-churning smirk on his face, Neal swung his arm back and punched him in the face.

Feel my pain

Coward

Weakling

Arrogant Bastard

As Neal was brought none too gently to Diana's car he couldn't bring himself to feel any guilt about his actions and he absently wondered if he would have if he had killed Fowler.

Diana looked at him with begrudging approval it seemed for what he had done. When they got into her car she undid the cuffs and put him in the passenger seat. He reached up his shaking hands and held his head. After vomiting 3 times on the journey Diana decided to take him home and told him to stay there or he would be back in Sing-Sing by dinner.

Worthless coward couldn't protect his queen

You always were a coward weren't you Caffrey?

Don't have the balls to do what was necessary

He got up on shaky legs and somehow managed to make it up to his apartment with the maid's help. Slumping at the dining table his vision shone white, blurred out at the edges and finally went black.

~WC~

Neal woke up to what felt like a head full of cotton wool and a detached air as though he were not truly partaking in what he was doing. He grabbed the bullets from the gun he had almost used earlier and began to line them up.

You are a failure kid and that's all you'll ever be

Hero? You couldn't save your own mother.

I'll teach you how to be a man you little smartass!

His hands were shaking and there was water running down his face; I'm crying he realised. He brought his head to his hands and felt an explosion of pain so intense he swung out and knocked all of the table's contents to the floor.

Wine, I need wine he decided wobbling over to the kitchenette to pour himself a glass. He drunk half of it in one go …

How could you? I'm dead

Coward

You didn't avenge me

Weakling

You are nothing but a useless COWARD!

and sent the rest smashing against the wall leaving the red liquid to run down it like a bloody waterfall.

Images started flashing before his eyes intermittently with the voices

Fire licked around his arms and burnt up his small back as he crawled around the belly of the oven screaming hoarsely, "Mum! Mum!" He had to find her, it was his fault.

You're worthless.

A shiv thrust into the newest inmate's jumpsuit and ruby red drops sinking out into a puddle on the floor.

Coward

A belt and a handgun coming into view as he laid on his side in his new room and fear curling deep within his belly.

You should be dead!

The images faded as he paced around the apartment willing the voices to stop not noticing the gashes on his arms from the glass or the gunpowder across his face from the bullets or the brunette that had just entered

Coward

"Shut up" he muttered under his breath clawing at his head.

You are worthless

"Shut up" he said louder now scraping at his scalp to try and stop the words.

WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD?

"Shut up!" he finally yelled collapsing to his knees amongst the mess he had clutching his splitting head.

A blurry face rushed into view in front of him with long dark hair and prominent cheekbones, "Kate"

"I'm so sorry" he moaned, words slurring together, to her, "I should have died you were perfect. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry…"

Continuing his pleas in hopes of her forgiveness he felt hands clutch around his arms as heaves started up his stomach and worked up his body, pushing her aside he curled in on himself and added to the mess on the floor.

Another red puddle, the liquid crawling down his chin.

Light and dark flashed in and out as he body jerked wildly on the floor as though the inside were trying to get out and the puddle grew.

Flashes of explosions and fiery darkness and, "Kate" before everything went black once more.