The True Meaning of Christmas

[Continuous Series, 12 Days of Christmas 2014]

"Where are you Christmaaaas, why can't I fiiiind youuuuu?" Karkat's eyes snapped open at the incessant racket, scowling at the light and gingerly stepping out of bed. It was still an incredibly strange feeling, waking up not covered in a highly viscous and toxic soporific. He got on a shirt and jeans from the dresser, yanking them on over his pajamas (boxers and nothing else – old habits die hard) and throwing open the door, his friend's wailing now mingling with that of a stereo.

"Santa, baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight!" John sang as Karkat entered the living room. "Oh, hi Karkat!"

"John Howlbeast Egbert, what in the name of all that is fucking sanctimonious and revered by every inhabitant of this fledlgling planet are you doing up at 7 AM?"

"You've been spending too much time with Dave," John snorted. "Sanctimonious, really?"

"Egbert. 7 AM. Why."

"Rose told me she was bringing Kanaya for Christmas! I figured I'd get into the festive spirit with some Christmas carols while I decorate the house. See?" He gestured grandly and Karkat stared for a moment.

"John."

"Hm?"

"That's a tree."

"Yeah!"

"And you put lights on it."

"Uh, DUH. It's like, the perfect pine tree!"

"But WHY?"

"It's Christmas!"

"Good GOD, Egbert, what in the FUCK is Christmas?!"

"Oh, shit, troll stuff, right! So, like. Every winter humans get together with friends and family and watch movies and eat cookies and give each other a ton of presents!"

"Oh. 12th Perigee's Eve. Honestly John, it's that simple. Like Soulreaping Day."

"Halloween?"

"Wahtever."

"Yeah, I guess! So what's 12th perin-gie's eve?"

"Perigee. Christ, John, try to keep up."

"Heheh. Sorry."

"So 12th Perigee's Eve is a winter holiday, like you said. Trolls that are friends – or in my case, trolls that can vaguely tolerate each other in small intervals – come together to speak of the Sufferer and his teachings. We sing 12th Perigee Dirges and eat Sufferer Snacks. So, yeah, pretty much the same thing?"

"You sound way more religious than me," John grinned. "My dad took me to church once but we got kicked out when the priest demanded he take off his beaglepuss."

"Hilarious familial antics aside, why… this?" Karkat asked, pointing to the tree.

"What do you mean why?"

"What does it symbolize?"

"Uh…. No fucking clue."

"How wonderful." They stood in silence for a moment. "I'm going back to bed."

"Karkat, no! Someone has to make Christmas cookies!"

"Fuck you, fuck your cookies, I'm exhausted," he replied, beginning to retreat to his room.

"Please? Make…. Sufferer Snacks or whatever." Karkat stopped midstride, turning around.

"I… get to make the Sufferer Snacks?"

"Sure! Why not. They're not, like, made with beetles or anything, right?"

"…"

"…"

"…I could probably substitute them for chocolate chips."

"Yeah, do that."

"John, the Sufferer Snacks are-" he paused in the doorway from the kitchen to the living room, where Rose, Kanaya, Dave, Sollux, Jade, Terezi, and John were seated, all eyes on his "Kiss the Krabby Kook" apron. "-done."

"Hey Karkat, nice apron," Dave and Sollux called simultaneously, snickering and high-fiving.

"Shut the fuck up," he grimaced, slapping the tray down on the coffee table as he yanked off the apron.

"Karkat, I'm both glad and shocked to see my gag gift seeing use," Kanaya noted.

"Yeah well enjoy your dumb Snacks."

"Sufferer Snacks?!" Terzi shouted, almost knocking Jade off the couch as she lunged forward to grab several. "Oh god yes," she groaned, shoving two into her mouth, yelping at the heat of fresh Snacks.

"Damn, KK, good job," Sollux said as he popped one into his mouth.

"Oh god!" Dave yelled, spitting his out. "Is that a worm?"

"Dave got the Wriggler!" the four trolls yelled at the same time, Terezi and Sollux laughing hysterically.

"Dude fuck this troll shit. Rose, please, tell me you made those bomb-ass brownies."

"Yes, I do have a Tupperware container," she smiled, taking a polite bite from a Sufferer Snack. "But first let's finish Karkat's… interesting snacks." Dave grumbled as Karkat looked around the room.

"Where do I sit?" he asked.

"The floor!" Terezi giggled.

"How about my lap?" John cooed.

"Okay," he shrugged, plopping down.

"Karkat-!"

"What."

"Don't- this is-"

"Oh god, is this that gay thing again?" Karkat groaned. "Stop trying to make that a thing, John."

"It is a thing!"

"Is it?" Rose smiled, wiggling her eyebrows and pulling Kanaya close. "Is this strange John? Do men stir a feeling inside you that you need to suppress?"

"Wh-? No- like- It's not weird when you two do it. Plus don't all trolls have like, tentadicks?" Rose's eyes widened and she flushed, Dave choking hard on his Snack, beginning to laugh hysterically.

"Do you want me to sit on the filthy ground, John? All because of your human gay?"

"Oh my god FINE. Sit there, I don't even care anymore."

"Don't pop a boner John!" Jade called with a laugh.

"Hahaha, yeah!" Terezi cackled. "What's a boner."

"Present time!" Dave demanded, pointing to the tree.

"No, Dave. Game time," Rose replied.

"Booo. Shut up, let me open my gifts."

"So, charades? Pictionary?" The trolls stared at her dumbfounded. "Right. Troll culture. Um, any troll games we could play for 12th Perigee?"

"Cards Against Trollmanity?" Sollux tried.

"Trollnopoly," Terezi said.

"Jesus fuck, what in the hell is with you people and putting troll in everything," Dave muttered.

"Spin the bottle!" Jade cried, slapping her knee.

"Hey trolls have that!" Terezi replied, pointing at Jade. "We know what that is!"

"I don't want to kiss any of you," Karkat said, shaking his head. "How about Sufferer Tag?"

"Ooh yes!" Terezi giggled.

"Sufferer Tag is pretty fun," Kanaya admitted.

"Alright, I'm sold," Rose replied. "What's Sufferer Tag?"

"It's a time-honored tradition," Kanaya began. "One person is designated as the Condescension herself, while the others are low bloods that have escaped culling. They have to find somewhere to settle down where Her Imperial Condescension can't find them, and if they survive for twenty minutes they win!"

"That's LITERALLY hide and seek," John chuckled.

"What a stupid name," Karkat replied. "Why's it called that? What's the story?"

"What? Story? Why does everything need cultural significance with you guys?" John sighed.

"I'll start!" Terezi grinned.

"That's not fair, you can't cover your eyes," Jade pouted.

"Cover her nose!" Dave replied. Everyone looked at one another, shrugged, and tied a blindfold around Terezi's nose.

"Can you smell us?" Sollux asked.

"No," she replied. "I cad smell adythig."

"Perfect. Everyone go!"

"One, two, three…" Terezi began to count and the group scattered. Karkat went for the kitchen, diving for the cabinet at the bottom, crawling inside and pulling his legs up, sighing as he rested his head against the backboard.

"Hey Karkat." He yelped, pulling out his phone to illuminate John's grinning face, crying out and jumping back.

"Christ, John, what the fuck!"

"Shh, she'll hear us!" Karkat grumbled but nodded, keeping silent and sitting there. "So, uh, you enjoying 12th Perigee's Eve?"

"It's alright," Karkat whispered, with much difficulty. "It's nice having people over. It's easy to forget the days now."

"Haha, yeah, I know. If Rose hadn't told me I would never have known." They were silent. "Hey Karkat?"

"What?"

"Sorry about embarrassing you earlier, with the human gay."

"It's alright. I understand your weirdness about it. I did come on a little strong when we first met. Or when I first talked to you, which was one of your last conversations with me? That stupid shit's so confusing. Past me is an idiot."

"Present you is pretty dumb too," John winked and Karkat slugged him. "But uh. I'm glad you're the one I got paired up with."

"As far as awful humans go, you're not bad yourself, Egbert. So. Bros?"

"Haha, definitely!" John replied, bro-fisting Karkat. Suddenly, they froze, looking to the open cabinet door.

"You two are such nerds," Terezi grinned. "I already found everyone else and we're gonna play Cards Against Humanity, which is a thing I guess? So hurry up this little… session."

"H-hey!" John demanded, blushing.

"C'mon, Egbert," Karkat said, crawling out and offering his hand and John took it. "Let's go."