Don't let your eyes refuse to see
Don't let your ears refuse to hear
Or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold on forever
-Hold You In My Arms by Ray Lamontagne
Kate sat on her bed and flipped through the magazine in her lap. She couldn't focus on any one page because her mind was preoccupied with the offer given to her a few days before. She had been blindsided with the proposition and managed to sidestep the issue by using her injuries as an excuse for more time. She told the older man that she wanted to make sure she was healthy enough to go on such a grueling tour. At first, he was taken back she didn't immediately jump at the chance to join the tour, but then agreed to give her a few extra days since her heroic efforts and injuries were going to play a big part of his plan for her.
A thought that wasn't exactly comforting to Kate. Was he asking her to join his show because of her singing abilities or because she had become the equivalent of some sideshow attraction since the accident? But then, as Gladys had pointed out, an offer was an offer and it was a start of something, at least.
She just wasn't sure she was ready to leave her friends and her life at the factory behind. She knew she wasn't ready to go back to the factory yet, but she wasn't exactly ready to give it up yet either. She'd worked so hard to build her life there and after overcoming so much, secure her place in the world. How could she just give it all up now?
Plus, she and Betty were now just beginning to find their friendship again and it had been wonderful, despite the reason they'd found their way back to each other. Her time with her best friend was precious to her and she wasn't ready to give that up either. She wasn't nearly ready for that.
But, once again, Gladys excitement would pop back into her mind and she wondered why she couldn't feel the same excitement her friend felt. The offer could be the chance she'd been waiting for, so why did it feel like there was something missing inside of her? Some turn she'd forgotten to take.
She hated feeling so conflicted. Why did she have to always be so unsure of everything? It felt unfair to keep her life on hold, she knew Betty was doing the same while she took care of her and that was unfair to her as well. She didn't want to hold Betty back with her endless cycle of turmoil. She didn't understand why her life always had to be so chaotic, so maybe she deserved to be alone for a while. If only she had a sign to tell her what to do, something to clue her in on the right direction to take.
"You ready for this?" Betty asked, sticking her head inside Kate's door.
Kate looked up and shook her head to clear her mind, sighing she tossed her magazine on the nightstand as Betty came in and closed the door behind her. "As ready as I'll ever be."
Betty was in her pajamas, which meant it was time for her nightly wound check and wrapping change. It was something they saved for the end of the day and something that Kate dreaded. Half because of the physical pain it caused and the other half because of the embarrassment of it all.
When Gladys did it, it felt awkward. Sure, they'd seen each other bare in the showers and locker rooms of VicMu, but this was different. This was Kate exposed with all her scars showing without the safe positioning of a corner or quick movements to hide the hideous marks on her back. The other girl was always gentle and kind when she tried helping with her injuries, but at the same time, she never could get the wrapping of her bandages right. It always came off lopsided and loose, falling apart before Gladys could even get out of the boarding house. Kate usually ended up redoing them once she was gone, she didn't want to hurt Gladys' feelings by undoing everything in front of her after she'd spending so much time on them.
Vera was pretty good at wrapping the bandages; she had the experience under her belt from her own unfortunate accident, but Kate felt her old scars burning bright every time the blonde offered her services. So she would come up with excuses to keep from accepting her help.
Betty was the best at it. She was soft with her touch, but knew the wrap around her abdomen needed to be pulled tight against her waist in order to support her sore ribs. Betty also knew about the ugly scars across her body already and never paid them any attention. Instead, she focused on examining the wound on her back, worrying over it as she checked for any signs of infection. Every night she would carefully study her bruised abdomen with acute attention and will her ribs to heal quickly as possible with a worried look of concentration, which both amused and warmed Kate at same time.
Kate unbuttoned her blouse and threw it on the bed. She was now standing in her bra and skirt as Betty pulled out a freshly washed wrap from her top dresser drawer. She wasn't used to having others take care of her like this. She had years of experience doing it on her own, but having Betty's delicate care made her realize how lonely she had been doing it by herself for so long. And how now, Betty was helping her heal faster than she could ever imagine by simply being there.
Betty turned and made her way to stand in front of Kate. With a small, reassuring smile she began to carefully unravel the wrap in place across her back and abdomen, starting out as she always did , with a held breath and gentle fingers. Kate stood still as Betty made her way around to her back where the grievous wound lay. She could feel Betty's eyes roam over her back as the bandage fell away from her skin. The stiches were out now, so all that was left was yet another scar.
"Most people collect stamps as hobbies, me? Scars seem to be my schtick," Kate tried joking nervously. Maybe having her scars bared to Betty wasn't exactly comfortable either.
"Mmm," Betty only hummed. Kate knew she was in concentration mode now as she bent down and examined the skin around the scar. Gently placing a hand beside it, testing it for warmth and firmness. Once she decided that it didn't look or feel any worse than the day before, she stood at Kate's side and let her hands trace their way out, over the pale green bruises that wrapped around her abdomen. Her hands ghosted over her skin, following the path of the fading discoloration, causing Kate to suddenly suck in a shaky breath.
"Does that hurt?" Betty asked looking up, worried she'd caused her pain.
Kate shook her head quickly and swallowed hard.
"No, it doesn't. It, uh…" She whispered, biting her lip as a round of goose bumps went cascading down her arms. It definitely did not hurt. It felt completely the opposite, in fact. "It… kinda tickles, I guess."
Betty's eyebrows rose as she watched Kate blush before her, as if she were embarrassed by her own body's reaction.
"Oh," Betty said, trying not to smile. "Sorry."
She looked back down at the bruised skin and began wrapping the cloth bandage back around her abdomen, this time though she let her fingers softly brush against Kate's skin as she made her way around to the front where she secured the cloth closed. This caused another sharp intake of air from Kate as she closed her eyes and pulled Betty a little closer to steady herself.
Betty bit her own lip as a warm sensation slid through her when Kate stepped closer into her, standing so close that their hair mingled together. She looked down between them and watched as her hands carefully tested the wrapping by skimming across Kate's stomach and up each side, feeling for the tightness of the binding. Betty wasn't sure what Kate's reaction meant, but she knew one thing was for certain – she was finally beginning to heal.
"I think it means you survived," Betty said simply, watching as Kate opened her eyes slowly.
"Wha..?" She said, her voice both breathless and confused.
"The scars. The ones you've collected over time, it means you survived. It means you get to stand here and that's worth something."
Kate's eyes held Betty's and she felt herself smile. Betty always did have a way to make her look at things differently. She also had a way to make her feel differently. As she took care of her with such a gentle touch, sending feelings through Kate that surprised her, it made her wonder about things. Things she shouldn't be. Like what Betty might kiss like. She wondered if her kisses were as soft as her touch. The memory of their first and only kiss had been so quick, she barely had time to process the feeling of it, but she did remember it being rather nice, before the terrible feelings it caused came bubbling up. Ivan and Betty were her only two examples she had to judge by and they were wholly different from each other. Considering Ivan's kisses always felt rushed and overpowering, she was glad he wasn't the one taking care of her now. His touch would be neither gentle nor caring, not like Betty's now, standing so close, making sure her hands only healed.
"Okay, there you go," Betty said, turning to put the old cloth dressing in the laundry basket by the door. "Good as new."
Kate cleared her throat and turned to put her nightgown on while Betty's back was turned to her.
"Betty?" Kate asked after slipping the gown over her head. "What was it like outside the factory?"
Betty turned and made her way to the bed. She knew Kate was asking about the day of the accident. Lying on the side of the bed she'd grown accustomed to, she thought about what she should say.
"It was intense… confusing… completely overwhelming, I guess."
"Confusing and overwhelming? How so?" Kate asked curiously, walking over and lying down beside her. Confusing and overwhelming were feelings she knew all too well. She turned onto the side where her injury wasn't and watched as Betty placed her hands behind her head, staring up at the ceiling to think.
"I dunno, everyone just stood around not knowing what to do. It was chaotic. You know, we always prepared for something like that. We did the drills and tests and always had a plan in place if God forbid it ever happened, but then it did happen and every plan, every feeling and every heroic act you'd ever imagined yourself doing flew out the window. There wasn't a safety plan in this world that could have prepared us for it."
Kate knew from what others had told her that the situation on the outside had been rather grim. She could tell from Betty's expression she was still haunted by the experience.
"Gladys said you almost worried yourself sick."
"It wasn't my finest hour," Betty mumbled.
"I hate that you had to go through that."
Betty turned to see the sincere look Kate was giving her. She turned on her side and tucked her arm under her pillow. They were now facing each other as they faced the painful memories of that day.
"How about you? Do you remember any more of what happened on the inside?"
Kate shook her head and looked down at the bedspread between them.
"It's all still hazy. I remember bit and pieces and sometimes it feels like a memory is right there, like there is something just out of reach and I just can't grasp it, but it never comes. I remember Donald and trying to help him and the darkness and being scared for Reggie, but there is something missing… Some piece that is important, I think…"
Betty watched as Kate's words trailed off and she turned the memories over in her head, searching for the missing puzzle piece she so desperately wanted back. Sometimes Betty thought not being able to remember was a good thing, it meant Kate didn't have to relive the pain, but then seeing her struggle over the lost memories was terrible too. Finally, Kate looked up at her.
"I do remember one thing, our argument before it all happened."
"Oh sure," Betty croaked. "That you remember."
Kate simply nodded.
"There is so much about that day that I regret, but that is number one with a bullet."
"Betty, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it, I think it may have saved me."
"How so?" Betty asked in a hushed tone.
"After what happened on the floor, I had to take a moment in the corridor of the lab to gather myself and that was the moment it happened. The explosion. If we hadn't been fighting, if I had been in that lab instead and not in the corridor thinking my world had ended with our friendship…. Well, the day would have ended differently."
"I'm not sure what to say to that."
"There's not much to say," Kate shrugged. "Except, that maybe sometimes we have to let life play out and just hope for the best in the end. I think it's the only plan anyone can expect to live by these days."
Betty nodded as she turned and looked back up at the ceiling. They both lay in silence for several long minutes thinking of how much their lives had changed since they had met each other and what it would mean if they just let life play out.
"So does this mean you'll be taking the offer to go on tour?" Betty asked as nonchalantly as she could.
"No… maybe, I don't know," she sighed. Betty looked back over at her and could see the conflicting emotions rolling through her. "A part of me wants to go and knows I should go. When else am I going to get an offer like this, you know?"
"And the other part of you?"
"And the other part of me is lying right here beside you, already missing you. I'm going miss you and Gladys and the life I've built here."
Betty nodded her understanding.
"What do you think I should do?" Kate whispered.
"I think you should do whatever you think will make you happy, Kate," She offered gently. "That will always be my vote."
"What if I don't know what that is?"
"Then you just have to let life play out and hope for the best in the end," Betty repeated her earlier statement with a small smile.
Kate smiled back softly, but couldn't help to feel the small twinge of disappointment in the pit of her stomach.
Once again, silence fell between them as the sounds of the other girls in the house rattled through the walls. They were returning home from another night out, one of their last before they had to start back at VicMu. After a moment, Betty sat up and scooted off the bed. Standing, she turned and saw Kate's confused expression as she sat up on her elbows.
"You're leaving?"
"Yeah, it's probably best if I spend the night in my room. Me staying over so much, it may send out the wrong message, lead us to trouble."
"Oh," Kate said, her tone relaying her disappointment.
"It's just," Betty tried to explain as she nervously crossed her arms. "The other morning I ran into Moira on my way out. I panicked and told her I was just over borrowing makeup from you, so then I had her coming at me all day giving me beauty tips. I'm trying to avoid that."
"Beauty tips?"
"No, Moira popping up out of no where. She's surprisingly stealthy."
Kate nodded with an understanding smile as Betty's joke fell flat between them.
"Well, anyways…" Betty said, chucking her hand over her shoulder to point towards the door. "I'm just right across the hall, if you know, you have a bad dream or need something…"
Someone, Kate wanted to correct. It was a someone she needed, but only nodded as she watched Betty turn to leave.
"Betty?"
She turned around at the door, her expression half hopeful, half worried.
"Yeah?"
"Thank you…" Kate said, her voice was hushed as the emotions rose to the top of her throat. "For… well, everything."
Betty blushed at the simple sincerity. "Anytime."
"You promise?" she smiled.
"You betcha." Betty smiled back. With one last nod, she turned and slipped out of Kate's room.
Kate lay back down and looked to the side where Betty had been laying just moments before. She knew the other girl couldn't continue staying night after night. It would look too suspicious and improper.
She reached out and let her hand run over the pillow and mattress where she could still feel the warmth of her friend.
Leaning over, Kate placed her head on Betty's pillow, right beside where her head would be if she were still there. Turning her own head, she breathed in the scent of Betty's hair that still lingered and closed her eyes, picturing her best friend by her side again, where she kept the bad dreams at bay and made sleeping easy again. She could almost believe Betty was still there, where she could still hear her rhythmic intake of air and feel her returned exhale as it fanned across her hair, creating a sweet lullaby of warm breaths and close heartbeats. She could imagine the warmth of Betty's arm folded carefully over her side, pulling her closer for safekeeping. The solid feel of her body pressed against hers, as if their irons were made to meld together long ago.
As Kate breathed in the ghost of Betty, she wondered how something could be considered so improper if felt so… pure.
Across the hallway, Betty blew out a round of smoke as she sat against the headboard of her bed. She grounded her cigarette out in the ashtray on her nightstand and looked over at the door, wondering if she had done the right thing. It was true; her sleeping over would only cause more trouble if it became noticed. Betty also knew for her own self-worth, she needed to take a step back. Sleeping next to Kate night after night, it had been heavenly, intoxicating even, but she knew where that road led. Friends didn't fall asleep trying to memorize the weight of the other's hand on your chest or the brush of skin as legs became entangled. Friends didn't awaken early just to watch the first rays of the sunlight shimmer across the other's hair. And friends definitely didn't dream of turning innocent sleeping into something more, only to wake up to the reality lying so close beside you that you breathed when she breathed in order to not break the spell between you. No, friendship wouldn't be found in that bed across the hall because Betty knew that's where the real trouble lay. And she also knew that's where here heart lay, as well.
That was the problem. Kate was getting stronger with each passing day and soon she wouldn't need her anymore. Soon she would be on her way with this new offer to go away and Betty would be left behind. It was better for both of them this way, that's all she had to keep reminding herself of, it was better for Kate to move on.
That night both laid awake with only two walls, a hallway, and few measurable feet between them, both wondering how it could feel like they were miles apart and both wishing they were anything but.
A/N: Only one more part left. I'm gonna miss this little fic!