Playing House Chapter 11: What's Going On Here?, a thor fanfic

"Serial killer," Darcy said popping her head in the bathroom. Phil was leaning against the sink, shirtless and brushing his teeth.

"Huh?" he asked through a mouthful of white foam.

"You look like a rabid dog," Darcy teased as she leaned up against the doorframe. "Serial killer. I'm putting money on it. The five guys who all disappeared were loggers in their forties with blue eyes. Totally sounds like a serial killer to me."

Phil rinsed his mouth and reached for his blue flannel shirt. "Could be. Though, I'm betting if this was just your basic serial killer that S.H.I.E.L.D wouldn't have even looked at it twice. We don't deal with that kind of stuff there. Local P.D, even the FBI would be more suited to handle a serial killer case." He looked out the window; the sun was just coming up over the tree line and if he wanted to make it to the logging site on time, he'd have to hurry.

"Aliens, then?" Darcy asked again, eyeing him as he buttoned his shirt. She would have loved to do that for him. She made a mental note to make sure she unbuttoned it later tonight; unbuttoning was always more fun anyhow. "There are aliens out there right? I hear things around S.H.I.E.L.D about them."

Being a level two didn't come with many inside perks; basically you were still pushing papers with the addition of light field work. Usually an agent didn't get to know what was really going on out there until at least a level four. Aliens, people with powers, gods, demons, monsters, they were all very real. Phil was a level seven and had seen and done a lot in his years with S.H.I.E.L.D.

A lot more than most people would do and see in their entire lives.

He shrugged. "Could be. I suppose, there could be aliens out there," he said with a wink as he pushed past Darcy.

"The truth is out there, Coulson. I want to believe," Darcy smirked as she followed him down the stairs. "You don't have time for breakfast?"

"Nope, not unless I want to be late on my first day," he picked up his phone and stuck it into his pocket. Sitting down, he grabbed his boots and a small plastic looking pistol, which he put in the inside pocket of his down vest.

"You think this is going to be gun worthy?" Darcy asked, taking in the hotness that was undercover Phil Coulson. Damn, he looked absolutely amazing, all rugged-like with a gun.

New fantasy.

"I'm heading out into the woods where five men disappeared without a trace. Just safe guarding myself." He stood up grabbing his car keys and headed to the door. He stopped just as he put his hand on the knob, pausing for a moment before walking back over to Darcy.

"I thought you were forgetting something," she said as his arms wrapped around her and he kissed her softly on the mouth. She was going to miss those arms; she'd be thinking about them all day while she was in art camp hell. "I'll miss you," she said, nipping at his lip.

"Miss you too. Have fun today," he quickly kissed her cheek, and then headed out the door.

Phil drove down the dirt road heading towards the logging area of the woods. The air was chilly this morning; a lot chillier than it had been previously had been. The tall pine trees kept the area shaded, blocking most of the sunlight so it still seemed really dark out as he drove his car down the windy road. Maybe taking his personal car on this mission wasn't such a great idea. By the time he reached the site he was already fifteen minutes late. He walked out of his car and waved to Jack and several of the other guys that were leaning up against a piece of machinery. They were sipping coffee and didn't give him a smile back. "Morning," Phil said tight lipped, looking around at the men.

"You're a little late," Jack said picking up a hard hat and tossing it at Phil. "Time is money and we're losing it every minute we don't start when we're supposed to."

"Yeah, sorry about that. Guess my car isn't built for this kind of terrain. Had to take it a bit slower on some of the curves," Phil said putting the hat on. He looked around taking in his surroundings. Lots of machinery and a small shack, which he guessed was their office. Nothing out of the ordinary as of yet. "I probably don't have time to grab a cup of coffee, do I?" he asked hopeful. Skipping out on breakfast was probably the worst decision he made so far today.

"Next break is at ten," Jack smirked as several of the other guys chuckled. "You're probably used to taking coffee breaks whenever you want though. It'll be a big change not being your own boss for a few hours. Ready to tackle a real man's job?" he joked.

Bastard.

Phil gave another tight lip smile and nodded. "Well, I'm up for the challenge. So what do you want me to do? Chop some trees down?"

Jack nodded. "Yeah, we'll being doing a lot of that today. Bob, will show you what what your job is. Don't think you'll be chopping any trees though." He motioned for the guys to hop into the trucks and pointed to Phil. "You'll ride with me and Bob. We're heading up to a part of the forest where the roads are a bit ... rough. Wouldn't want you to take that fancy car of yours up there."

"Sounds good," Phil said climbing into the back seat of the pickup truck. He sat in silence as Jack drove up the dirt road that was on more of an incline than Phil was comfortable with. The forest was thick up here; lots of tall pines and trees that were so gnarled that they looked like they had long fingers ready to reach out and grab.

"Fog is rolling in," Bob muttered.

"Figured it would. The weather has been a bit off the last couple of days. Hopefully, it won't shut us down today, because we can't afford it." Jack said and then glanced back at Phil. "There is more light up at the site than here, so don't worry about working in the dark."

Phil nodded. "Good." He took his phone out of his pocket and looked at it, half hoping that Darcy had sent him a text message.

"No cell service up here, Coulson." Bob said with a smirk. "We're too high up in the mountains and the trees don't help either."

"Oh, right. I was wondering why I kept losing my signal," Phil said with a slight laugh. Actually, his phone was working perfectly. Thanks to the S.H.I.E.L.D satellite that was hanging up high in the atmosphere. He glanced down at the screen again, disappointed that there was nothing from Darcy. He sighed and put his phone away just as Jack stopped the truck.

"Here we are," he said getting out. Two other trucks stopped behind him and the rest of the guys got out ready to start their work day.

"Fucking fog is going to be a problem," one of the guys muttered, handing out flashlights to everyone. "Keep these handy, we'll probably need them at some point. Tom, Henry you two are on skidder duty today. Phil, go with Bob and he'll put you to work."

Darcy walked into the classroom with a big smile on her face. Today was the start of the last week of art camp and then she'd never have to deal with any of these little bratty terrors again. It wasn't just the kids though; it was Barbara and Melissa.

Especially Melissa.

Just the sight of that woman made Darcy enraged. Even more so now that she and Phil were together. God, she still couldn't believe that she and Phil were going to attempt at a real relationship. Agent Phil Coulson, level 7 S.H.I.E.L.D badass, wanted to be with her.

She grinned wider.

"What are you smiling about?" Melissa said as she came up behind her, holding a bag of pinecones in her hand.

Just thinking about how Phil wants me and not you. That's what Darcy wanted to say. "What are we doing with the pinecones?" Darcy completely skipped her question and changed the subject.

"Oh." Melissa looked down at the bag and then back up at Darcy. "We're making pinecone bird feeders. You know with peanut butter and birdseed."

Awesome. Giving kids peanut butter to smear on pinecones was a really good idea. Nope, not going to be a disaster at all.

"Cool, that should be really fun. Where are the pinecones from?" Darcy asked.

Melissa raised her eyebrow. "From pinecone flowers," she said flatly. "They come from pine trees, Darcy. From the woods." She shook her head and then walked away to get the kids settled.

Darcy gave Melissa the 'fuck you' look, then shook her head just as Barbara walked up beside her.

"Can you fill these cups with birdseed and pass them out to each kid?" she asked, handing Darcy a tray of plastic cups and a bag of birdseed

"Sure." Darcy nodded taking the tray. She looked around the room counting how many kids she'd need to fill cups for. Seventeen. Usually there was eighteen kids in class. Someone was missing; her eyes scanned the room until they fell on the empty chair in the back of the room. "Barbara, where is Annie Martin?"

Barbara looked up from her paper. "Oh, her parents decided to pull her out of the camp."

So far they haven't given him anything to do. Phil had been following Bob around for the last half hour, while he talked to Jack over the walkie talkie. The two men seemed to be discussing everything but work. Phil learned that Bob had three different girlfriends and possibly knocked up a forth girl. Jack on the other hand complained about his wife packing him a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch. Phil internally yelled at himself for not packing anything to eat today, somehow he doubted that they'd share anything of theirs with him.

"So," Bob finally said to Phil. "I'm going to let you mark some of these trees. Take this spray paint and I'll point to the ones that we're planning on cutting down. Spray a big 'X' on it. Easy, right? Can you handle that?"

Phil wanted to spray a big 'X' on Bob. Of course, he could handle it.

"I think, I can. Hopefully anyhow. Last time I used spray paint I ended up spraying it in my face," Phil laughed nervously, shaking the spray can vigorously.

Writer Phil was kind of a bumbling idiot.

Bob smirked then shook his head. He sighed loudly and walked over to a grouping of trees. "All these here need to be marked," he said tapping one of the pines. Jack's voice came over the walkie talkie and Bob picked it up. "Yeah, he's doing it now ... hang on ... Coulson, not those trees. Hey, back ...yeah he almost marked the wrong ones. Tell me again why you decided to bring him along ..." He said loudly, walking away from Phil.

Phil watched as Bob walked off into a grouping of trees until he completely disappeared into the shady pines. He shook the spray can again and started to paint a giant neon orange 'X' on each of the trees. He did it slowly; taking his time to look around at the area for any clues or anything out of the ordinary that would help them solve the case. Even after he marked all the trees that he was supposed to he continued to keep on walking. Every once in awhile he'd check to make sure he wasn't being followed. He could hear the heavy machinery and some of the mens shouts in the distance; which was a great comfort to him. Otherwise, the dead silence would amp the creep factor of the forest up a whole lot more.

His phone vibrated in his pocket; either it was Darcy or someone from the science lab with the findings of the air quality of the woods that he sent them the night of the party. He went behind one of the trees, leaning up against it and took out his phone.

Darcy. Phil smiled.

{{Very. Reason?}} He typed and sent.

His phone vibrated a second later. {{Having fun?}}

{{Nope.}} He typed back and sent. He rubbed his hand over the bark of the tree he was leaning against, stopping when he felt something wiry, like bristles of a paintbrush.

His phone vibrated again. {{So hot 4 U right now. C U later, baby.}}

He grinned slightly, before putting the phone into his pocket. He crouched down a bit to analyze the hair that was stuck to the side of the tree. His fingers brushed over the light reddish hair; it was definitely a lot more corse than any hair from a fox or a bear. It were times like these when he wished he was more familiar with animal biology. Science and all that stuff was never his strong point. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small black bag that contained a pair of tweezers, carefully he plucked the hair off the tree and placed it in the bag. The hair may be nothing, but being the good agent that he was he wanted to send it off to the labs to have it analyzed.

"Hey Coulson!"

Phil heard Bob call out his name and he hurried back through the trees to the area where he was supposed to be marking trees. "Yeah?" he said with a slight smile to Bob when he came into view.

"We're heading back down for lunch and to get the logs that we cut today ready to process," Bob said crossing his arms and narrowing his eyes. "You missed a couple of trees."

"Sorry 'bout that," Phil apologized, shaking the spray can again.

It had been a peanut butter apocalypse today in the class room. It was on the floors; the walls; stuck to the desks; it covered the pencils, markers, glue bottles.

It was everywhere.

The worst part of it was that all the kids were gone and none of them had helped clean up the mess they created. It was now up to Darcy, Barbie, and Melissa to do it. Except it appeared that Darcy was the only one on her knees scrubbing. Barbie and the 'tramp' were standing over by the windows laughing about something.

Darcy rolled her eyes as she scrubbed a gooey spot under the desks. She cursed each one of those little monsters to hell. Kids pissed her off, that was very clear to her now. She looked up at the clock; only five more hours and Phil would be home from his excursion in the woods. She guess that his day was going just as shitty as her day was. Though given the option of going into creepy woods or having another peanut butterpalooza; she'd take her chance with the peanut butter.

"...her mother is sick," Barbara whispered to Melissa. Darcy's ears perked up and she slowed her scrubbing down to a slower pace.

"Is that why she wasn't here today?" Melissa whispered back. Darcy stilled her body and strained her ears. Who's mother was sick?

"I hear she's not doing well at all. And to think we just saw her Saturday night at the party ... she seemed perfectly fine. It was just like last year when she got sick, except this time, she's worse. A lot worse." Barbara whispered as she placed her hand over her heart.

"That's terrible. I hope Annie doesn't lose her mother. I know the two of them are very close," Melissa whispered.

"Darcy?" Phil said as he walked into the house. He had gotten home a bit later than he wanted to; he would have been home later though if he would have gone to Branson's for drinks with the guys. He set his keys down on the table and walked into the kitchen. Whatever Darcy had in the oven smelled amazing, making his stomach growl as he opened the refrigerator and grabbed a beer.

"Hey!" Darcy's voice said from behind him and he turned to smile at her. She was dressed in a black tank top and a pair of neon green cotton shorts. She rubbed a towel over her head. "Sorry, I was in the bathtub. I had peanut butter in my hair. You just get home? I got chicken parmesan in the oven. Hungry?"

"Starving," he smiled as they walked back into the living room. He sat down on the couch and took a swig of his beer. "Peanut butter in your hair?"

"I never want to see peanut butter again," she rolled her eyes. "You look like you had a rough day. Crappy day at the lumberyard?"

"Glad that's not my real job," he shook his head. "However, I did find a hair sample that I'm going to scan over to the labs. Could just be from an indigenous animal of the area. I don't know though." Phil took another sip of beer.

Darcy sat down next to him, curling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. "I found out Annie Martin's mom is really sick. I guess that's why Annie was pulled out of camp." Darcy scrunched her brows together. "So Jack didn't say anything about his wife being on her death bed?"

"No at all. He complained that she made him a ham and cheese sandwich, but that was all. She's sick? How so?" Phil tapped his fingers on his leg and then stood up, walking over to the corner desk and sitting down in the chair. He took the sample out of his pocket, slipped his glasses on and then opened his laptop. He wanted to get this thing sent over to the S.H.I.E.L.D labs tonight, and hopefully tomorrow they'd have an answer to what it was. Slowly, he waved a black wand over the hair scanning it to the computer.

"I'm not sure why she's sick. Melissa and Barbie were being all hush-hush when they thought I was trying to listen in. I think I'm going to go to the Martin's tomorrow after camp. Maybe I can find out something or at least see if there is anything I can do to help them out," Darcy said as she walked over, placing her hands on his shoulders watching the blue light from the wand scan the hair. "Okay, that thing is cool. Is it like a scanner thingy or something?"

"Yes. A bit more sophisticated though. Supposedly, it'll replicate the hair in 3D form right to the labs. It's easier than having to send it out and wait for days. This way it can be at the lab ready for analyzing in seconds. It's a prototype though, so we'll see if it works." Phil leaned back into Darcy a bit when she started massaging his shoulders.

"S.H.I.E.L.D has all the cool toys," Darcy whispered as she worked on spot close to his neck.

"Mmm ... you can thank Tony Stark for that ..." He exhaled deeply and closed his eyes after he sent the sample off.

"You're really tense. Loosen up a bit, Agent Coulson," Darcy whispered into his ear. "Let's just put away all the work stuff away for the rest of the evening."

"It's just been a long and tiring day," he chuckled. "I suppose we could take a break from work tonight."

Darcy swiveled his chair around so that he was facing her. "Have you ever been to a strip club?"

"What? Why are you asking? " Phil's voice was a bit puzzled as he looked up at her.

Darcy giggled. "I just wanted to know," she said with a shrug. "It's okay if you rather not say."

"Yes, I have."

Darcy's stomach knotted up; she was hoping his answer was going to be 'no.' The image of him sitting in the front row, tucking dollar bills into some chick's thong did not sit well with her. "Like-"

"It was for work, Darcy. Undercover mission. Years ago. I don't hang out at strip joints on my off days." Phil smirked.

Okay, that made her feel a lot better. She could deal with that. "So you never had a lap dance?"

"Can't say that I have," he closed his mouth and swallowed a little lump that was forming in the back of his throat. He wasn't totally sure where this conversation was going, but he had a faint idea.

And it made his palms begin to sweat.

"Would you like one?" Darcy grinned, taking his hands in hers.

"Right now?" He certainly didn't expect anything like this when he got home tonight. "Why?" he asked.

Darcy squeezed his hands and smiled. "You seem super stressed. You need to unwind and clear your head. Let me help you with that ..." she winked. After the day she had, she needed to unwind a bit herself, and doing dirty things to Agent Coulson would certainly relax her. "We still got like forty minutes before we eat. And isn't it better to have your dessert before dinner?"

He wanted to start gushing to her how amazing she was. There was no way in hell that he deserved someone as beautiful and incredible as her. He still didn't understand why she wanted to have anything to do with a middle aged man who spent most of his time obsessing over work. "It's always better," his voice cracked a bit.

"Don't be nervous. Sit back and relax, baby ..." Darcy said slinking her hand around his shoulder until she was behind him again. She had never given a guy a lap dance before, but she had watched plenty of videos on how to do one with the intentions of giving one to a boyfriend someday. Darcy reached over and dimmed the light, not making it so dark that they would struggle to see each other, but just enough to set the mood. She pressed play on her iPod radio and soft music filled the room. Okay, so she had this planned out since she got home, she just wasn't sure how she was going to go about making it happen.

Him being stressed was the perfect excuse to do it.

He was supposed to be unwinding not the other way around, but as soon as Darcy blew cool air into his ear, his heart stopped beating and his whole body went stiff. Her fingertips went from his ear down his neck, stroking ever so softly. She trailed them over his jaw, and finally his body started to loosen up. He closed his eyes when she ran her hands through his hair and then slid her hand around to the front of him again.

"That good, baby?" she whispered. He nodded, and she smiled at him before moving on him so that she was straddling his lap. She could feel the heat radiating between them and she placed a chaste kiss on his lips, pulling away before he had the chance to kiss her back. "No kissing ..." she said as she pulled her tank top off; tossing it to the floor.

He had expected her to be wearing a sexy bra under her shirt, not to be totally nude. He took a deep breath as he took in the sight of her; seeing her in full light for the first time.

"Do I have to pay you?" Phil asked, raising his eyebrow and giving her a smirk. "That's how these things work, correct?"

"Tell you what, agent. The first one is on the house," she said as she began to gently grind up on him. Darcy placed her hands on his shoulder and pulled him into her so that her breasts flattened out against his chest. She rubbed herself on him, keeping in time with the music; biting her lip seductively as she looked into his eyes. She grinned when she saw the faint pinkness creep along his cheeks. "You're so adorable when you blush," she whispered as she began to play with the buttons on his shirt. Every time she popped one open, she placed a little kiss on the exposed skin of his chest.

"Darcy ..." he moaned softly when she started to move her hips on him a bit harder this time. He reached up, placing his hands on her waist and began to move them upward.

"Hands off," Darcy grinned, moving his hands off of her. "No touching. It's against the rules." She took his glasses off and put them on herself.

The sight of her in his glasses made him go hard instantly.

"Maybe you should have handcuffed me then," he whispered with a little smirk playing on his lips.

"Mmm ... Kinky." Darcy really liked where this was going now. "Do you have handcuffs here?"

"Upstairs in my office. Black bag on the desk."

"Do you think you can behave yourself or are you going to continue to be a naughty boy, Agent Coulson?" she whispered into his ear; her heart was really racing now.

"I don't think you can trust me not to touch you," he smirked, and then ran his hands up her body again.

She gave him a warning look and then slapped his hands away from her playfully. "Well, then I'm just going to have to make sure that you don't," she said with a wink, and then climbed off his lap. "Stay. Here. I'll be right back."

"Oh, I'm not going anywhere, angel."

The minute she stepped away the phone began to vibrate on the desk. Both of them looked at it and watched as it vibrated again. Darcy was already mentally smashing it with a hammer; it was like S.H.I.E.L.D knew that they were starting to get sexy with each other. Phil sighed and shook his head before answering the phone on the fifth vibrate.

"Agent Coulson," he said into the phone; he kept his eyes locked on Darcy, giving her a grin that said that as soon as he hung up the phone that they could resume their activities. "Go ahead," he said into the phone.

Darcy leaned up against the wall and crossed her arms over her chest. She was freezing and wanted to get back on Phil ASAP so that they could start warming each other up again. Not to mention that she couldn't wait to get him all tied up. That was a delicious vision in her head.

"Why is that?" he spoke into the phone; his brows furrowed slightly. He stood up and started to pace back and forth. "I understand. Alright, thank you, Agent Hill." Phil snapped his phone shut and tossed it on the desk.

This didn't look good.

"Um ... so I'm guessing kinky fun time is over?" Darcy was already putting her tank top back on. She never did like Maria Hill; she really, really didn't like her now.

Phil nodded, rubbing his head slightly. "We're to wait for direction from Director Fury." He sat down on the chair and started to button his shirt back up.

"Phil, what is it? What's going on?"

Phil shook his head. "We're being reassigned."