Title: Slappy Claus/Twas the day before christmas
Summary: To cover her outstanding debts and to buy skippy an Xbox One, Slappy takes a part-time job as Santa Claus at the mall, and deals with loads of snotty, bratty kids.
Rated: K+
Disclaimer: Animaniacs is owned by Warner Bros, and created by Tom Ruegger. Slappy Squirrel was created by Sherri Stoner.
Note: This is an added special bonus feature included in the 2014 holiday edition of the Animaniacs christmas special...ABSOLUTELY FREE!
()()()()
The Warners sang in the background while slappy rested in her chair.
She's a cranky ol' critter
she's bitter, we warned ya
She lives in a treehouse,
in Burbank, California
Along with her nephew
he says spew, he's cheerful,
then his aunt starts to rant
she gives him an earful!
She's grumpy, he's happy
it's generation gappy
take a whirl with the squirrels
Skippy & Slappy!
Then Slappy blurted out "Ah, put a sock in it!"
Then Skippy sang "That's my Aunt Slappy!"
And then the title card fell into frame.
()()()()
The cold breeze of winter swept through the park in Burbank where Slappy resided. Awaking from a decent slumber, a narrator (who sounded like winnie the pooh) read a poem.
Twas the day before christmas, when inside a tree
awoke a grumpy old squirrel by the name of Slappy
she poured herself a coffee, put a hat on her hair
and to everyone's shock, that's all she'd wear
She turned on the TV, and saw a commercial for wills
and the TV went black, cause Slappy didn't pay her bills
"Ah! Crap!" Slappy swore when her TV went dead.
The censors cried uncle as Slappy began to swear
making fornication references, but she didn't care
"(beep) this (beep)ing Tv! it's a piece of (beep) from those (beep)ing people at the (beep)ing cable company!" Slappy swore like crazy.
The old squirrel was very angry in the morning hour
because the hydro company had cut off her power
"Ah, phooey!" Slappy tried turning on appliances, but nothing worked.
"Morning, Aunt Slappy!" Skippy squirrel came down the stairs.
"Morning, Skippy." Slappy spoke with little enthusiasm. Of course, Slappy almost always spoke with little enthusiasm.
Her young nephew Skippy, came skipping downstairs
excited at the fact they were to make krispie squares
"Aunt Slappy! Today's the day we get to make rice krispie squares! It's only one more night til Christmas day!" Skippy jumped for joy.
"Ah...Skippy...There's something I gotta tell ya." Replied Slappy
Slappy faced off with one of her worst fears
as she disappointed young Skippy, he burst into tears
"No...krispie squares today?" Skippy began crying
"Ah, Skippy, why ya gotta cry at everything?" Slappy handed Skippy a handkerchief.
The old handkerchief was once a pair of cheap clothes
but it was now a rag covered in snot from Skippy's nose
"I'm gonna go and get the mornin paper. I'll save ya one of the more useless parts of the paper so you have somethin' to wipe any leftover snot." said Slappy, going to grab the local paper from outside.
"The ad for Taylor Swift's tour?" asked Skippy through sobs
Slappy looked up at the readers.
"Hey, it's in the script, so sue the writer." Slappy turned away from the readers to get the paper.
Slappy stepped outside the tree to get the news
to see how the L.A. Kings did against the St. Louis Blues
She brought the paper in from the winter cold
and opened up the flyer to see what was being sold
"95' Corsica, 09' Dart, 88 Aerostar...ah! Here it is!" Slappy went wide eyed
Slappy had yet to get her christmas shopping done
her last present was for Skippy, a brand new Xbox one
but buying that gift was going to be very hard
especially when Slappy had maxed out her mastercard
"Stupid Microsoft, always making the prices of these things so high." Slappy was irritated.
But on the corner of the page, something caught Slappy's eye
an opportunity for money, cash for presents to buy
That old squirrel was willing to rise to the cause
the mall needed someone to become that day's Santa Claus
"Skippy, ya think you can hold the fort here for a few hours?" asked Slappy
Skippy squirrel immediately stopped crying and did a salute.
"You can bet on it, Aunt Slappy!" Skippy said in a dutiful tone.
"I would, but i'm broke." Slappy went to the closet and got her winter coat.
"Where ya going, Aunt Slappy?" asked Skippy
"I gotta go get some money, so maybe we can make some rice krispie squares." Slappy walked out of the tree and into the cold morning.
And with purse in hand, Slappy was on her way
in the hopes that she could make some money that day
it took her only minutes to get past the last-minute rush
as Slappy was able to catch a ride on the city's bus
Slappy hobbled into the crowded city's mall
and found the manager, who was completely bald
"Hey mister, ya said ya had a job open for being Santa Claus here?" asked Slappy
The manager looked at Slappy with a desperate look in his eyes. All his other Santas had quit and he needed ANYONE to take the job - Even old Slappy.
"Are ya good with kids?" asked the manager
"Are you kidding? Kids love me! Why do you think Animaniacs was on TV so long?" Slappy ranted.
"Oh geez...ok, you got the job - the outfit's this way." The manager guided Slappy to the storage room.
Slappy put on the santa suit, beard, and white wig
and found that the costume's size was 2 sizes too big
5 minutes later, Slappy was sitting on the chair
while the little kids couldn't help but stare
"What's the matter ya little twerps? You never seen a squirrel in a Santa suit before?" asked Slappy
The first little boy came up and sat on Slappy's lap
where Slappy couldn't wait for this kid to shut his trap
"Ok, I want a Wii U with Super smash bros and I want an Xbox with sunset overdrive, and I want a darth vader costume for next halloween, and I want NHL 15 for my PS4, and I want a PSP Vita for my friend cause he doesn't have one and he always wants to borrow mine..."
"...yeah well that's fine and dandy kid! Ho-ho-ho-ho.." Slappy said with little enthusiasm as she sent the kid on his way and the next kid came along.
The second young child was a young girl of ten
who looked like she had one too many servings of McChicken
as she sat on Slappy's lap, it was pure murder
while grease dripped from the girl's Big mac burger
"Ok, I wanna lose weight so I want some Lipozene and I also want a sailor moon outfit so I can go and like, save the world! Oh yeah, and I want a hundred dollars to mcdonalds so I can like, have lunch there every day for like, next year..."
"...Take my advice kid...Try Insanity...that Shaun T guy will make you wish for mercy...like me..." Slappy barely could catch her breath as the assistants took the fat girl off her lap.
The next kid to sit on Slappy's lap was no kid
for lo and behold, there was Sid the squid!
Sid was full of holiday cheer, he was so happy
he did not realize the Santa he was on was Aunt Slappy
"Ho-ho-ho, and what's your wish, little boy?" asked Slappy in a monotone voice.
"Oh, Santa Claus, I feel so darned crappy
cause I never was able to squash that Squirrel Slappy"
Slappy had a great big smile on her face.
"Here little boy, I saved this really big red thing, just for you." Slappy handed Sid the Squid a lit stick of Dynamite.
"Ah, thanks Santa!" Sid the Squid jumped off Slappy's lap.
The simple-minded squid put the stick in his pack
found a mall bench and sat back
he heard a sizzling sound of gloom
and an large explosion then sealed his doom
and while Sid was airborne with excruciating pains
the food court was of joy, for sushi had rained
"Ah, It ain't christmas without dynamite!" Slappy smiled.
The next kid to come up was neither kid nor Pokemon
for it was slappy's low-IQ enemy, Beany the Bison
"Ho ho ho, what do you want, little boy?" Slappy asked
"Uh, Duh...i just wanna squash Slappy Squirrel once!" The brain dead bison replied.
Santa's secret identity was something Beany never knew
and Slappy would never make his wish come true
"Do yourself a favor, kid." Slappy handed beany a bottle of hydropholoniacicyde acid...whatever that is. "Drink this, and all ya wishes will come true!"
"Gee...thanks Santa!" Beany jumped off Slappy's lap.
Beany did not wait to start drinking the juice
and in 3 seconds felt like he was hit with a caboose
Beany fell over in gut wrenching pain
and landed on the tracks of a big model train
Slappy laughed as Beany got smashed all over the place.
"Eat ya heart out, Johnny Marston!" Slappy grinned at the readers.
Throughout the hours, Slappy pretended to be nice
even when she got a visit from 2 little mice.
"Ho-ho-ho! What do you want for christmas?" Slappy asked
"I want to take over the world!" said Brain
"Oh, egad Brain! NARF!" Pinky added his voice in.
Slappy sent the 2 little mice on their way
and kept sucking up her misery for a bit of pay
And every last kid went through that line
until the mall's announcement said "Quttin' time!"
And as Slappy retired from a hard day's work
her face all swollen from forcing her smirks
8 hours of living in corporate heck
she went to the manager to collect her cheque
"Hey, manager guy, it's Santa...I want my money!" said an impatient Slappy.
"Oh-kay...here you are." the manager handed her the cheque.
the envelope contained a cheque with Slappy's pay
so she could cash it and be on her way
but alas! For Slappy had run out of luck
the cheque said she was owned but only a buck
"One dollar! What the heck ya take me for ya jerk!?" Slappy complained to the manager.
"Oh that's easy! There's taxes, Santa suit rental, minimum wage, union dues, and that only left you with a dollar. Sorry!" the manager slammed the doors on Slappy.
And like in real life, the working class got ripped off
but Slappy was about to rip this bozo off
"I'll show that bald-headed jerk he's on the naughty list this year!" Slappy laughed
for Slappy was a very sneaky, mean old broad
and had no problem committing an act of fraud
she took a pen from her purse, from the pizza place little nero's
and on the check she added a few extra zeroes
"Hey, it's a home alone reference, whaddaya expect? A Hercules reference where I rhymed hero?" slappy asked the readers.
and the bank cashed the cheque, no problem at all
and Slappy was able to spend cash at the mall
"Money! Money! Money! It's so funny, in a rich man's world!" Slappy sang off key and the wrong lyrics from the song in question.
For Slappy was rich with cash in hand
for she ripped off the mall with about ten grand
so she bought gifts for just about everyone
including Skippy's soon to be played Xbox One
She bought Dot a dress, and Wakko a new potty
she even bought Thomas Monson a cup of coffee
she paid her bills at the bank after that
and she even bought a tiger for Chris and Martin Kratt.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" the Kratt brothers yelled as the tiger chased them through the mall.
After Slappy finished shopping and paid the taxi fares
there was one last thing to do, and that was rice krispie squares
so she went to the tree and opened the door
and there was Skippy, decorating the decor
"Skippy, look at this, this looks fantastic!" Slappy praised Skippy's work
For young Skippy had set up the lights and tree
and was watching hockey night in Canada on CBC
Slappy grinned as she placed the gifts on the floor
and the squirrels jolted at a knock on the door
"I got it, aunt Slappy!" Skippy skipped to the door.
"Sure thing Skippy...I gotta sit down!" Slappy laid back on the sofa.
Skippy opened the door and there on the mat
where none other than brothers, Chris and Martin Kratt
"Hey! it's the zoboomafoo guys!" Skippy smiled
"Yeah, that's totally us!" said Chris
"We just wanted to stop by and thank Slappy for the tiger!" added Martin
"The tiger? Aunt Slappy bought you guys a tiger?" asked Skippy
"Sure did...poor thing wanted to eat us!" Said Chris
"But we have a saying - 'i don't need to outrun the tiger, I just have to outrun the slower guy.'" added Martin
"...and who was that slower guy?" asked Skippy
And as Skippy's question was asked to the man
out came the one that the brothers outran
it was Walter wolf, and he created a buzz
with a big gaping hole where his butt once was
"OWWW! Darn you, Slappy Squirrel!" yelled Walter Wolf.
"Well, thank you, bye!" Chris waved goodbye as Skippy closed the door.
then it was late, but so eager was Skippy
to make rice krispie squares with chocolate chippy...s
a few hours passed in the squirrels' cozy home
so they sat down for the 9 pm airing of home alone
and at the end of the movie, both went to bed
while visions of master chief danced in Skippy's head
while tired and sore, Slappy spoke out with glee
"Merry christmas to all, now thats...comedy!"
()()()
SHORT STORY FACTS
-First Phil from Produce fanfic to be a fanfic intertwined with poetry, something Phil is actually very potent in writing. While Animaniacsney/The real Disneymaniacs was the first to be posted, it wasn't the first to be written.
-the 95' corsica, 09' dart, 88 aerostar, are all cars from the 3 major american automakers, Chevrolet, Dodge, and Ford, respectively.
-Phil has maxed out his mastercard before - it's not a fun experience.
-The story is also a satirical commentary on how children are in the modern day concerning how they want everything.
-Slappy mentions the "Insanity" program - A fitness workout DVD set created by fitness expert Shaun T, that Phil was doing during writing. And yes, it is called insanity because it is that damned hard.
-Hydropholoniacicyde acid is not real. Phil made it up because it sounded dangerous.
-The references to Thomas Monson & the Kratt brothers was Phil's lighthearted way of replying to Disneywildkrattfangirl with whom he had a contreversial conversation about Christianity and Mormonism. She wrote an attack chapter against him in her "My favorite poems" story in the book of mormon fanfiction section.
-Slappy gets screwed on her paycheque for being santa. The same thing happens to Homer Simpson in the Simpsons christmas special.
-The Home alone reference slappy refers to in the poem is "little nero's" which is the pizza joint that the McCallisters order from.
-When slappy sings "Money! money! money! it's so funny, in a rich man's world" it's a reference to the ABBA song. Unfortunately, Phil mis-wrote the lyrics, but didn't bother to correct them because he figured "At her age, Slappy probably would forget them too."
-Slappy says "Eat ya heart out, Johnny Marston." Referencing the 2010 Xbox 360/Ps3 game, Red Dead Redemption.
()()()
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO Y'ALL!
-Phil from Produce