Camelot Chapter 3: Looking for a Nudist, a twilight fanfic

I cannot lead you into battle.
I do not give you laws or administer justice but I can do something else - I can give my heart and my devotion
to these old islands and to all the peoples of our brotherhood of nations.
~Elizabeth II~

If you ever leave me baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
'Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore.

There's no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm makin'
Will keep you by my side
Will keep you from walkin' out the door.

[Chorus]
Cause there'll be no sunlight If I lose you,
baby There'll be no clear skies If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...

I'll never be your mother's favorite
Your daddy can't even look me in the eye
Oooh if I was in their shoes, I'd be doing the same thing
Sayin there goes my little girl
Walkin' with that troublesome guy

But they're just afraid of something they can't understand
Oooh well little darlin' watch me change their minds
Yeah for you
I'll try I'll try I'll try I'll try
I'll pick up these broken pieces
'til I'm bleeding If that'll make you mine

[Chorus]
Cause there'll be no sunlight If I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...

[Bridge]
Don't just say, goodbye
Don't just say, goodbye I'll pick up these broken pieces
'til I'm bleeding If that'll make it right

And then he was gone.

After my outburst, and I'm sure my semi-nervous breakdown, he ran.

Horrified, surely, but I knew I had to catch him. Wrapping my towel around my body - I lifted myself off of the floor and I tried to catch him - my eyebrows furrowing as I saw the door opened and the pants gone.

He was gone.

My nudist was gone.

And the cleaner was here.

Holy mother of flying goat shit on fuckity fuck my life you stupid whore.

The cleaner looked into my room - his eyebrows raised as he looked down the stairs. "I'm not goin' to say anything,"

"You shouldn't - it's none of your business," I sneered, narrowing my eyes. "Where did he go?"

He shrugged. "Down the stairs - showing his junk and everythin'. If you drugged that man, lady, I'm goin' to testify."

I scoffed, grabbing my door. "This isn't an episode of Law & Order, asshole."

What was I going to do? I needed his insurance; I needed to see if I had killed the guy! What if he had brain damage and he would have an aneurism five seconds into his run? What if he's scarred for life?

No, shit, he's scarred for life, Anna; you ran over him and then kidnapped him to your hotel room.

Fucking idiot.

How could he just leave - I had hit him with my car! He had just been hit with a car, yet he was running around like a wild nudist!

He was a wild nudist.

Where the hell is the David Attenborough documentary when you need it.

Surely there's at least one documentary on nudists.

...

There must be.

Focus, Anna, focus

Who the hell was this guy!

And what was his name?

I mean, parents don't just call their kid nudist unless they forbid the kid to a life of torment and absolute horror.

Maybe it was Brian.

Lucas?

Maximillion?

Gayland?

God, no, he's not that unfortunate.

He's rather well endowed.

STOP THINKING ABOUT HIS PENIS!

And is Gayland really a name?

Yes, I know someone with it.

... Liar.

I really should be in a psychiatric facility. I need to be locked away - have a straight jacket placed on me so it could confine me to an amusing life of trying to get out of it.

For the last time, insane people aren't magicians.

It really is frightening that I always get them confused.

What should I do?

Call the police?

Oh, and what was I going to say - 'Sorry to bother you but this is urgent. The nudist that I ran over with me car has escaped. We need a search party. Stat.'

Yeah, that'd help me a lot.

I looked at the time - cursing as I grabbed my tattered duffel bag my mother had pleaded with me not to bring and I ripped it open, grabbing the first things my slender hands could find.

Not that.

I was not wearing a pink skirt to try and find my nudist victim.

Jeans would do.

I grabbed a pair of tight fitted dark wash jeans, which unfortunately had a large rip in the side because of that one time I had a knife fight with these guys outside my house.

I'm kidding, of course.

I caught it on a loose nail.

I thought the knife fight, thing, would be a bit more amusing.

Apparently not; it's just worrying.

I'm not going to say focus one more time, Anna.

Throwing on some boots and a fitted 'bear naked' (quite appropriate for the situation, may I add) T-shit on and cursing to the high heavens as I tripped over the bedside table - my face connecting with the floor as I grunted.

This is the worst day of my life.

Ever.

Really, worst day ever.

If anything really beat this day, as the worst day ever, it would probably have to be the day I died. You know, going out with big bang! I plan on being the heroic saviour that gets shot trying to protect her child and then will get a medal for my bravery, while a guy in a kilt with a bagpipes plays at my funeral attended by the Queen.

Because, you know, me and her are close.

Well, we will be.

I intend to replace Philip as her bitch.

Slamming the door to my car, I looked at what I had grabbed - going through my mental checklist that my Grandmother had practically forced down my throat.

That, and fish oil.

It didn't make me any smarter, Grandma, I just hit a nudist with my car - even fish oil can not save me.

"Keys,"

Check.

"Money,"

Check.

"Phone,"

Chec- wait, where's my phone?

I rummaged through my bag before finally finding the cracked and scratched silver piece of shit that Tony, the guy who sold it to me, thought would fit my personality and lifestyle very accordingly.

Well, Tony, I think you got it right.

Cracked and scratched, that's me - in my infinite elegance.

"Tampons?"

Check.

I couldn't deprive my lady needs.

I didn't want to be sitting in blood.

"Pepper spray?"

Check.

"Lightsaber?"

Check.

…

Just kidding.

I sighed as I began my search, my eyes peering out the cracked (note to self: get fixed) windscreen, trying to find a naked god lying on the side of the road somewhere - in pain from his internal injuries and his inevitable brain damage.

I never thought I would ever be doing this.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are - I won't bite, nudist."

He doesn't know that.

You hit him with your car.

I prowled the streets until sunset - I had even got out of my car a few times and ventured into the woods. Of course, it was not one of my finer moments of intelligence. I sighed in agony, my eyes dropping as my car buzzed along the streets - my head trying, no, begging me to stay away as I tried to ignore the fact that I had barely slept in two days.

I pulled over to the side of the road, leaning my head against my steering wheel as I reflected over the last two days - not knowing what to think of my life anymore.

What if I couldn't find him?

What if I had killed someone's son?

Someone's husband?

God, they're so lucky.

I went to turn my keys on again, coming to the conclusion that if he wanted to sue me - he would probably come back to the Motel.

Preferably with some clothes on.

Don't be an idiot, Anna, that's not how nudists roll.

And then I saw him.

In the pants that I brought him - standing up straight as if he was just going for his daily run yet he seemed like he was deliberating something as he looked up into the window of someone's house.

What a creep.

What an amazingly, perfect creep.

I got out of the car, slamming the door and I willed my legs to run over to where he was. He hadn't noticed my display of anger and I ran over to him - grabbing his arm; my pleading eyes met the dark orbs I had become lost in but a couple of hours ago. "Are you hurt? Are you brain dead? How are you even walking?"

He looked at me, as if he was in a trance and I tried to shake him yet it didn't get through to him "Please, answer me. Listen, I know it must have been weird waking up in a strangers hotel room," I said, swallowing the salvia that had seemed to take place in the back of my throat. "But I swear on my life, I didn't rape you."

He didn't move.

Oh, god, I had damaged him.

"You were hit be my car," I said, my eyebrows furrowing as I circled him - putting my hands to his burning chest as I tried to see if he had used a fake tan to cover his bruises.

He must have.

This was unnatural in so many ways.

"Listen, you need to come with me. I've-I need you," I said, my fingers prying at his arm to lead him over to me car. "Please, you need to go to the hospital. Your-you've got to have internal injuries. I've watched enough Greys Anatomy to know that,"

You don't watch Greys Anatomy for the medical stuff, you want to see if Patrick Dempsey's wig falls off.

Well, I'm sorry if that hair is just to perfect.

It just has to be sewn onto his head.

You have problems.

At the mention of hospital it was like he snapped out of his trance, his eyes narrowing as he ripped his arm away from me - leaving me stunned in someone's back yard while he ran off into the dark woods, his illusive figure disappearing amongst the trees.

Oh, god, was I going to have to go in after him?

"Antoinette? Antoinette Swan?"

I turned, my eyebrows raised at the mention of my name.

I felt my lip twitched as I held back my smile. "Uncle Charlie."

Dun Dun DUH!

She's Charlies niece - Bella's cousin.

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Edited 8/10/13