In the old days villains had moustaches
and kicked the dog.
Audiences are smarter today.
They don't want their villain to be thrown at them with green limelight on his face.
They want an ordinary human being with failings.
~Alfred Hitchcock~

Shoelaces untied
You can dry your eyes
Perfect shadows alive
Behind us
This is the day i make you mine

The way your hair lies
sometimes unrecognized
All the way from these today on a train
Nothing to say if theres still time

But you are the one I've been wating for today
And here comes the sun
That's been baiting on today

Lately i've lost my tongue
Today you found the sun I know not long has grown
Well i thank god u came along

But you are the one I've been waitng for today
And here comes the sun
That's been baiting on today

You looked right through me
When there was no one else I sat beside you and became myself
Today... today
You are the one I've been waiting for today
And here comes the sun today
Thats been baiting on today

~Today~
Joshua Radin

Nudist.

That was all I could see.

His dark eyes made my stomach turn, the deepness that was behind the orbs that had me so entranced consumed my once weird yet carefree dreams.

Now, all I could dream of was the Nudist I hit with my car.

This is really not natural.

I rubbed my throbbing head as I leant against the door frame, my neck aching as I looked at the dreaded couch that I had fallen asleep on the previous night - the couch in which I tossed and turned on, and at one point - ended up on the floor.

I cursed gravity.

And tomatoes.

Because they were disgusting.

I shuddered thinking about them.

I ran a hand through the tangled nest that lay atop of my head and I bit my lip, my thoughts racing as I stood up from the table - not wanting to wake anyone before I went out the backdoor, searching my pockets for my smokes and I sighed in relief as I grabbed my light - trying to get the death stick to light in this God damned weather.

It was raining.

Again.

I inhaled the sweet relief of the cigarette and I leant against the house, trying to get away from Bella. Other than being haunted by the eyes of the nudist, I was kept awake by Bella's screaming - either she really had a bad dream, or she was having a really, really noisy orgasm.

And it was really loud.

I swear I could hear wolves howling at those screams, and I didn't exactly want to go up there and see her ... doing stuff.

I wasn't that close to her.

But really, Bella, with your dad in the house?

That's appalling.

Save it for Edmund.

Edward.

Shut up.

I rubbed my eyes, sniffing the clean air.

It was too clean.

Like my mothers bathroom.

I sat down on the steps, looking out to the dark woods that I had used to play near when I was a little girl and that I had seen the allusive nudist disappear into yesterday. He didn't even know my name. I didn't know his name, and was resorted to calling him nudist in my racing thoughts and dreams that were mostly centred around him and his damned nudism.

And his penis.

Oh, his glorious penis.

What are multiple penis's?

Is it like penei?

What are you even thinking about?

I went back into the house, rubbing my hands together as I tried to get warm and I sighed - looking around the house.

What do I do now?

I can't raid the fridge, no one else was awake.

Oh, this is awkward.

I can't watch TV - it's not mine.

I can't have breakfast.

I can't get ready, because it was 7:00am and I didn't want to be walking around in a gown.

Yes, I'm wearing a fucking gown.

I know, I'm going to trip over and fall on my face - at least once.

In front of Edmunds family.

Edward.

SHUT UP!

Bella said that I had to be prepared - I had to be prepared for her gorgeous new family. That my eyes would become so entranced on these perfect creatures, because of their beauty.

I wasn't buying it.

I could just tell they were buck toothed rednecks that wore hats in every situation.

With a name like Edmund, he has to be a redneck - right?

Or a character from Narnia.

God, I wish I had a magical wardrobe that held another world.

But, unfortunately, Bed, Bath & Beyond didn't have those wardrobes.

So much for beyond, right?

Misleading fucking liars.

I went back to sit on the peppermint stained couch - looking at the fireplace as I bit down on my nails.

What to I do now?

"Hey, Anna."

Oh, thank god, someone's putting me out of my misery.

I looked up, smiling as I saw Charlie. "Hey, Uncle Charlie."

"Is Bella awake?"

I shook my head, running a hand through my hair as I pursed my lips. "I'm not sure."

She's too busy having multiple orgasms.

Charlie nodded - ruffling his bed swept hair and his eyebrows furrowed. "Big day, huh?"

"Yeah," I said, nodding. "Should I go wake her?"

Charlie shook his head. "No. Alice should be here soon."

I cocked a brow. "Alice? Who's Alice?"

Charlie smiled. "Alice is Edwards sister. She was the one that nearly killed me with pins yesterday"

My eyebrows furrowed. "I'm not even going to ask."

Bella bounded down the stairs, her usually bright and complex eyes were exhausted and were once again giving away her obvious exhaustion. I smiled, looking at her twitching figure. "Stayed up late last night?"

She threw me a look. "No, why?"

I shrugged. "I could have sworn I heard voices."

Charlie let out a bellowing and unexpected laugh. "Don't you always hear voices, Anna bobana?"

I narrowed my eyes, mockingly showing offence to being called insane by my Uncle. "Shut it, Uncle Charles. I can still punch you, you know."

He rolled his eyes. "You're still not forgiven for that."

I scoffed throwing my hands in the air in defeat as I propped myself up on the table. "It was one time!"

Bella chuckled lightly, starting to make pancakes and she looked to me - raising her eyebrows questionably. "What do you want for breakfast?"

I got off the table, shaking my head. "Please, sit down, Bride - I will make your breakfast."

Before she could say anything, Charlie stepped in - shaking his head. "You set the over on fire making a sandwich, Anna, I'm not letting you cook."

I shrugged. "For all you know - I could be better than fucking Betty Crocker-"

"Language."

I rolled my eyes. "Uncle Charlie, when you got drunk at my twelfth birthday party - you let out so many words I had never heard in my life, and you have set me up for a truckers vocabulary. Live with it, Chief."

"How does your father live with you?" Charlie asked, shaking his head with a small smile.

I shrugged. "I don't know. He handles my mother, I think it kind of prepared him."

Charlie scoffed. "Nothing can prepare anyone for you," He muttered and I scowled.

Bella sat bouncing in her seat as we both ate, looking at her father as she tried to control her never ending nerves. "Your picking up Mr. Weber at three o'clock," She reminded him, gnawing at her lip.

"I don't have that much to do today besides bring the minister, Bells. I'm not likely to forget my only job."

Wouldn't out it past him.

Sorry Charlie.

"That's not your only job. You also have to be dressed and presentable."

He scowled as if he were a small child that was not allowed to get a toy he had begged his mother for, his eyes downcast as he looked into his cereal bowl and his eyes glancing ever so slightly at the closest underneath the stairs - in which housed his beloved fishing gear.

I loved fishing with my Uncle Charlie.

Although my patience usually got the worst of me - I loved the smell of bait and fish guts when you're in a confined space.

Its what I loved doing.

That, and sneaking food from the fridge.

Oh, my beloved food - how I missed you.

With the words "monkey suit" being muttered under his breath, a brisk knocking at the front door alerted Bell to a more rigid stance - as if those knocks just solidified the fact that she was getting married today.

"You think you have it bad," Bella said, grimacing as she rose. "Alice will be working on all day long."

Charlie nodded, getting a swift kiss on the top of his head as Bells walked passed and I got up - grabbing my plate and I walked to the sink, my prying eyes not leaving the door so I could see evidence that would support my red neck hypothesis.

It had to.

No one who was not a redneck got married at eighteen.

Well, people who weren't with child.

They had probably corrupted Bella to make her agree to marry their son.

They probably bribed her.

Bella did say they were rich.

And they could shit out money if they wanted to.

Okay, that's not what she said.

Bella would never swear.

The girl could barely be over five feet tall - her sleek black hair was smoothed into sleek pin curls that surrounded her pixie like face. Her gorgeous, perfect, annoyingly beautiful face. A face that could almost be compared to an Adonis - the epitome of beauty, as some would say. "Hey Charlie," She called over her shoulder as she dragged Bella out of the house, leaving me and Charlie alone.

Yet again.

Great.

"So, that Alice?"

Charlie nodded. "She's a bit of a ... handful,"

I nodded, running a hand through my hair as I made my way up the stairs. "Charlie, I'm just having shower!"

Coming out of the steaming shower, I looked in the fogged mirror - my eyes narrowing as I saw a faint, dark outline just above my red upper lip.

Oh, god.

Is that what I think it is?

A moustache.

Oh, holy Jesus.

First, I hit a nudist with my car.

Then he sees me with my bare legs open - exposing everything.

Then, my dreams are haunted by his extremely large penis.

And now ... a moustache.

I can't believe it.

I can.

Did the cosmic Universe really hate me that much? Did the Universe just wake up one morning and think, 'Hey, you know that girl - Antoinette Swan, no, not the Antoinette Swan with the Lazy eye, the one that used to have more rolls than a bakery - lets give her so much shit over the next two days that by the end of it, she'll wish she could roll around in cheesecake for the rest of her existence. And lets throw a nudist into the equation while also giving her a moustache. Seems like a great plan.'

Great fucking plan, Universe.

But really, I was having trouble comprehending why I was even in this situation. Going to a wedding, without a gift - the day before hitting someone with my car while also having a moustache on my upper lip - did I really deserve it? I hadn't done anything really to upset the cosmic universe or the chemical reaction of things? Why did Karma hate me? I hadn't knocked over any little old ladies, and I had already payed the price for the two times I had done that.

Okay, three, but old ladies were really slow.

And it wasn't a good combination when you were late for school.

Stupid old ladies, with their stupid little canes.

And their stupid little glasses.

I stared at the moustache, to afraid to touch it.

What would happen?

I needed some wax.

Or some tweezers.

Or a fucking chainsaw, have you seen it!? It's like fucking foliage!

I looked at the mirror, opening the cabinet as I saw multiple products that could be used to rid my upper lip of its unwanted hair.

I needed some wax and - Oh, my God, there was Viagra in here.

I closed my eyes immediately - not wanting to see anymore, or anything that was in my Uncle Charlies cabinet. I quickly grabbed the wax strips Bella must use, and I readied myself for the pain - trying to rid my mind of the images that accompanied Viagra, a drug only used for one thing and if people say they use it to get to sleep - its kind of like reading playboy for the 'articles'.

Urgh.

Okay, get ready for the pain.

I'm ready.

Okay, go.

I looked at myself in the mirror - my eyebrows furrowing while a small crease formed in the middle of my eyes. How was I going to do this? This pain was going to be so unimaginable, and I wasn't good with pain. Especially on my upper lip - that was a sensitive area. I shrunk at the mention of pain; pain so horrific that you had to stop reading about for the fear that it might be contagious and you might catch it through the paper.

Okay, go.

No, I'm not ready.

Just fucking go!

I applied the wax strip on and I closed my eyes, waiting for the pain.

Just do it already.

Slowing it down won't make it any less painful.

Okay, on the count of three.

One.

Two.

No, I can't do it!

HURRY UP AND RIP IT OFF!

And then I ripped it off.

"HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK JESUS CHRIST SHITTY SHIT FUCK FUCKITY FUCK SHIT POO!"

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Edited 8/10/13