Of Cognizance

The three reports and the two notifications spoke little to Cullen of what had actually occurred during the Inquisitor's last outing that took her, Solas, Bull and Dorian from the Exalted Plains to the Storm Coast before taking them back to the Hinterlands before home again. The five different papers told him bits of the story of what had happened, and he knew she ended up returning back to them on her own without any of the companions she left with, but it was written with such a disengaged, factual hand that he initially thought they were reports from Cassandra. It was only when he took a second, closer look that he recognized the flowing script that told him those reports belonged to Trevelyan.

He wished he would have looked closer at them before tossing them into his "less important pile of crap" to be sorted through after the men had been run through their training exercises, patrols debriefed, and the strange case of missing daggers that he felt like he had solved but couldn't quite recall…

And now, it was late enough that even the tavern had closed. He would know, being just two towers away from it. He sighed and brought a hand up to massage his temple. Between the stress of the position and the stress of lyrium withdrawal, he could feel himself getting closer and closer to his breaking point, especially the longer he went without sleep. If only there were a few more hours in a day…

He sighed and looked out a window toward the main hall. Like always, there was still light in the main hall, and in Josephine's room just off to the side. Even the aviary still had whispers of light breaking through the tower windows. And also, at the top of the main hall, light still shined in the Inquisitor's quarters as well. As it always did whenever she was there and not on the road. What a group of stubborn fools, he thought as none of them seemed to ever sleep.

He gathered the five reports in question and began the cold and quiet trek across the battlements. He took the shortcut that would lead him through Solas' mural room, and had one report confirmed just from that. The elf was gone, having "time alone", in her written words. The trek across the main hall to the stairs leading to her room was just as quiet and quick, and he made a note to step up guard patrols during the graveyard shift.

Upon reaching her door, he knocked three times and only entered when he heard her, faintly, invite him in. He looked for her before he even made it to the final step, expecting her to be at her cluttered desk. But she wasn't there.

"Inquisitor?" he asked, quickly glancing around. He was certain he had someone—her—invite him to come in.

He heard a sheaf of papers fall from his right followed by a soft curse. He smirked and looked toward where she was, only to have the breath taken from him.

There was always a certain professional distance he, mainly, tried to keep with her because it was all too easy for him to imagine kissing her, embracing her, and other less than professional thoughts. He had never seen her with her hair down, or seen her outside of the leathers she had been gifted once she was no longer a prisoner or her armor and battle leathers. And now…

He couldn't even look away. Every last line of professionalism felt like it had been shattered.

She was out of her normal leathers and mail, likely in her sleeping clothes if she was even going to go to sleep, with a dressing robe. But neither of them did anything to hide her figure and curves, not like her armor did. It was easier to forget that she was a beautiful woman without something to remind him of that fact. Even her hair was down from the bun she normally kept it tied back in, and he noticed for the first time that she had long hair. He figured she had long hair, but never really took note of it. The firelight played across it, turning the red color into something softer, something more intimate…

And it awoke such a yearning deep in him that it caught him off guard. Instead of looking deeper into it—now was not the time, perhaps there never would be a time—he cleared his throat and did his best to look away. "If this is a bad time…"

"No," she said, quicker than he thought she would. It almost sounded like she thought he would bolt at the first chance. Maybe he would. "No," she said again, slower. "I was just…going over some things. Thinking." He could hear the smile in her voice. "It's hard to find a moment for that, it seems."

"I apologize, I would have found you earlier had I actually looked at your reports." He held up said pieces of paper as proof, like he needed it. He finally looked back over at her and walked a bit closer. She had closed and laced up her robe, but there was no trace of a smile on her face.

"Ah, yes. Those." In the place of her quiet joking from moments before there was that grim determination back that he rarely enjoyed seeing on her face or hearing in her voice. It reminded him of what could have been their last moments in Haven.

"You didn't even write them in your usual detail." He stepped closer again, close enough for her to snatch said reports out of his hand and toss them into the fireplace. "You know there are other copies with Josephine and Leliana, not to mention the war room?" He tried to joke, but she didn't even smile.

"Yes, but that was therapeutic," was all she said instead. Had she said that at any other time, for any other reason, he knew it would have been with her normal teasing lilt and a smile just as mischievous. But not this time.

He sat down in the only other chair near her. "What happened?" Unlike when they first met and their relationship could only be classified as a "tenuous acquaintance," he would not let this matter slip without her talking about it.

"You've already read what happened."

He stared at her, hoping she would turn and meet his gaze so that he may ferret out the truth more easily from her, but she never did. Normally he would joke about how she was spending too much time around Dorian if she's picked up the Tevinter pastime of staring moodily into fires, but he knew it wouldn't go over well. "Yes, I read about the outcomes. A spirit freed, a family reunion, the Chargers gone, a Qunari alliance. But none of them explain why you returned alone without Solas, Dorian or Bull, and why none of them have returned yet."

She was quiet for a long enough time that he almost thought she wasn't going to answer, but he knew better. She was reliving the moments, trying to find the words to explain it. And he would wait. After all she did, after all she had the patience to shift through so many requests from friends and strangers alike.

His silence was awarded when she began to tell the tale of their ill-fated trip from the Exalted Plains to the Storm Coast to the Hinterlands. He listened as she spoke of how the spirit was Solas' friend turned demon by a cruel summoning, of how he left to be alone when she stopped him from killing the humans responsible. Then they, sans Solas, went to the Storm Coast to secure a Qunari alliance. And that, too, went wrong as the Chargers were overwhelmed. She could not ask the men to die, but more than that, she could not ask Bull to become Tal-Vasoth or to throw away such an alliance. Bull stayed behind for his own reasons as well. And at the tavern in Redcliffe, Dorian met his father and she made him stay and talk to him. So he stayed behind in order to do just that.

"They'll return, you'll see," he said after she finished. As so many professional lines had been crossed in his mind, he threw the rest of it away and grabbed her hand, squeezing it in comfort. She smiled in return, finally looking at him.

"I know. I just…feel like I've made all the wrong decisions with this." Then the smile was gone and she looked away, but she did not pull her hand away. "Those men did deserve to die for what they did. And the Chargers were good men, men worthy of living. And I promised Dorian he could leave whenever he wanted to. Instead…"

"No. You made sound decisions. Don't doubt that. It's easy to look back and wonder, but what's done is done. They'll see the wisdom in what you decided soon, if they don't already."

This time, she squeezed his hand and he looked back at her in time to see her smile. It was that wide smile she gave him in private moments like this that he could never quite decipher because he simply didn't want to think about what that might mean—could mean. He cleared his throat and stood quickly, her hand falling from his, or the other way around.

"I'll, um… I will explain to Josephine and Leliana what happened in the morning if you would like to take that time to wait for your companions to return."

Her smile dimmed, but he could still feel the fondness in it too much to feel fully comfortable. "Thank you, Commander."

Thanks for all the reviews, faves and follows! I hope you all enjoy this chapter as well. As per my own little resolution for the new year, I have finally joined tumblr where I'll be posting fanfiction and my original fiction, and will hopefully be updating every day. I used to do that years ago on livejournal, but...life. If you have a tumblr and would like to follow me, feel free to do so! The link is in my profile.