Confessions of the Damned

Chapter 17: It's Not Real

a/n: this chapter contains disturbing content. View at own risk

Redstar looked down at his paws. The ground underneath had disappeared, and he floated in the air. Around him, the walls of his den stretched in and out. They closed in so close that Redstar found it hard to breathe. However, the second he felt like he was going to suffocate, the walls soared beyond his reach. Flashing colors pulsed under his eyelids when he blinked.

"REDSTAR!" an imaginary voice screamed in his ears. "REDSTAR, WE ARE COMING FOR YOU!"

"WHO IS?" Redstar screamed back, whipping his head around as he looked for the source of the voice.

"WE ARE COMING FOR YOU. WE ARE GOING TO HURT YOU."

"NO!" Redstar screeched. He tried to run away, the delusion making him believe he could run far. But it was all in his mind. He crashed into a wall in his den, banging his head hard against the stone.

His mind started to spin, and he felt dizzy. He blinked his eyes a few times, trying to clear it. All of the sudden, a sickening image appeared. It was a cat, but there was a bloody hole where his face should be. Maggots and worms slithered out the sides, and blood splashed from the wound.

"It's not real," Redstar whispered to himself, trembling. The image then changed, turning into a cat being burned alive. Flesh melted off of his body, and he screamed and screamed.

"It's not real," Redstar choked. But it looked real, and Redstar knew that the screams would forever haunt his dreams.

"THEY WILL FALL, ONE BY ONE, INTO THE FIRE THEY CALL THE SUN," the faceless voice hissed.

"It's… not… real," Redstar told himself. The image had now changed back to the cat with the hole for a face. But the scream the burning cat was making was playing like an infinite loop.

"We are coming for you," the voice snarled. "Beware."

Bright lights then blinded Redstar. He squeezed his eyes shut, realizing that the walls were moving again. They shut tightly around him, crushing his ribcage. He was just about to scream out in pain when it stopped altogether. The walls went back to normal, and the floor of the den reappeared.

The delusion had stopped completely.

Redstar panted and his body shook, quivering in a ball at the corner of his den. I can't take this anymore, he thought miserably. These delusions are making it too hard to live.

Redstar got up, knowing what he had to do. He stepped outside, looking out at the Deadclan cats. I hope you will remember me as I once was… strong and respected.

You all think I'm crazy. It's not real to you

But it's real to me

And I can't take it anymore

Redstar knew he didn't have much time left. The ground was beginning to shake again, and he knew that reality was slipping away by the second.

"Tigerlily," Redstar called out. Tigerlily turned from where she was sitting to face him.

"Yes?" she asked kindly.

"I'm in love with you," Redstar said without pausing, not wanting to change his mind. Tigerlily gasped, and so did the other cats around her.

"Oh, Redstar…" Tigerlily started, clearly caught off guard.

"On another note, I'd like you to organize the evening patrol," Redstar continued, as if he didn't just confess his love for her a second ago.

"Oh… okay," Tigerlily stammered. Redstar looked around the clearing, and felt his legs go weak. The faces of his clanmates had turned into bloody holes.

"Goodbye," Redstar forced himself to choke out. He turned around and walked back into his den.

He didn't hesitate as he laid down underneath the giant icicles that were hanging off the roof of his den.

He screamed as loud as he could, and the icicles broke.

He was dead before he could shut his mouth.

"Alright, everyone," Tiger said. "What's the one thing to remember tonight?"

"Everyone is the enemy," the spirits chorused out. Violet was getting a weird feeling in the bottom of her stomach, as if there was a butterfly trapped in there. Tiger was organizing the evening's events, which consisted of the spirits going out to find host bodies. Most of the cats seemed pretty into it, acting as though the cats deserved to have their souls yanked from their bodies.

I don't think it's very fair, if you ask me, Violet thought to herself. I wouldn't want someone ripping my soul out if I was still alive.

"Violet," Lores said in a silky voice. "Remember, we can hear your thoughts."

Violet didn't reply, and forced herself not to think of anything bitter. She hated the way that she couldn't even think without someone listening.

There's no privacy in this place.

Actually, you know what? Screw you, Lores. I can think if I want to.

Violet stared across the clearing, trying to get Rust's attention.

Rust, Violet thought loudly. Rust!

Lores hissed loudly, and Violet scowled at him. Rust pricked his ears, and he turned to look at her.

Violet, he thought back. I'm happy to see you… but I'm not happy because this means you are dead.

Where is Blackpaw? Violet thought.

Lores started hissing loudly. "You should be paying attention to Tiger," he growled out loud. "Stop thinking."

Violet shifted uncomfortably as all eyes pierced her. Tiger stared at her with a hateful look, obviously upset that she was the cause of the interruption. The butterfly in Violets stomach started to flutter around, banging its wings on her insides. Violet had a sinking feeling that Lores and Tiger were trying to separate her from Rust, and didn't want them to talk. But the look in Rust's eyes told Violet everything she needed to know. She didn't have to even think about it.

Blackpaw was alive.

Denver was wide awake. He listened to the soft breathing of Whitefire as she slept beside him, wishing he could sleep too. Redstars death had shocked everyone, sending the clan into a deep despair. It was a terrible loss to lose a leader, and no one was taking it well. I knew he was struggling, he wasn't all there… I hope he's happier wherever he is now.

I wonder if his spirit is still out there, roaming the forest with the others

Denver closed his eyes, willing sleep to come. After a long hour of his mind spinning, his eyelids finally started to feel heavy. A lull passed of a hazy half-awake feeling for a few moments before Denver finally fell asleep.

But tonight was different. He found himself waking up in the world of dreams.

The sky was an odd shade of orange. Pink snowflakes fell from the sky, landing on the purple grass. Denver wondered where he was, and why the colors were all mixed up. He walked slowly, feeling as though he was walking through water.

His paws stuck to the earth like quicksand.

"Denver, over here!"

Denver looked over to see Redstar flying towards him. He had silver wings, and he soared through the air like an eagle.

"Redstar!" Denver cried out, running towards his friend. He couldn't move very fast because of the glue like ground, but he tried anyway.

"Why did you have to die?" Denver choked out as he got closer. Redstar didn't look crazy anymore; his eyes were bright and clear instead of rolling around in his head. His ears were pricked forward, listening to the things going on around him instead of the delusions in his mind.

"It was my time," Redstar said simply. "I wasn't meant to live on earth anymore. I'm not sure I ever was."

"But… you were my friend," Denver whispered, startled by the sudden hit of emotion that clouded over him. It confused him for a moment, because it was an emotion he rarely felt.

It was the feeling of caring.

"We'll always be friends," Redstar said. "Part of me wishes you could join me in this beautiful land."

"It feels like Starclan," Denver commented, looking around again at the shiny colors. "Well, if Starclan existed."

"Starclan does exist," Redstar said quietly. A hot rush of anger hit Denver hard as he heard these words. "Oh really?" he scowled. "Then why aren't we up there? Why is the forest haunted by spirits?"

"The gates into the real world got clouded at one point," Redstar replied sadly. "The line between Starclan and earth has disappeared."

"It wasn't supposed to be like this," Denver sighed. "It never was."

"It can be, if you let it."

"Huh?" Denver was confused. But Redstar looked excited, and he flapped his giant wings. Denver watched as he flew through the air, bursting through a golden cloud.

"In this place, you can do anything!" Redstar cried from the sky. He dived down, crashing into the earth. Denver gasped, expecting Redstar to be hurt. But as he hit the ground, a giant cloud of pink sparkles erupted. When they disappeared, Redstar was sitting on the ground, staring at Denver.

"Do I have to die to live here?" Denver asked. Redstar laughed. "No, no! You have to do something much simpler."

"Oh?" Denver was getting excited at the thought of living in this magical world. "Can Whitefire come live here with us too?"

"Sure, if she wants to," Redstar said. A gleam then passed his eyes, but Denver thought nothing of it. "What do I have to do?"

"Well, you know how you promise your life to the clan when you become a warrior?" Redstar started. Denver thought back to his own warrior ceremony a hundred moons ago, when he became Dawnfur.

"Yeah," he replied, not sure what that had to do with anything.

"Well, it's kind of like the same thing," Redstar explained. "But you just promise yourself to this place instead of promising to protect your clan."

"How do I do that?" Denver asked.

"You kind of just have to say it out loud, that's what I did," Redstar shrugged. "Would you like me to help you?"

"Yes, please," Denver said, getting excited at the thought of leaving his disgusting reality of real life behind. "After, let's go get Whitefire."

"No problem," Redstar replied. He sat for a minute, thinking. "I'm just trying to remember what to say."

"Take your time," Denver shrugged.

"Okay, I got it," Redstar burst out. "Are you willing to leave your old life behind, in exchange for this one?"

"Absolutely," Denver nodded.

"Are you willing to sell yourself, mentally, in order to let go of life?"

Denver was starting to get an odd feeling, but he couldn't quite place it. He felt as though a bunch of bees were buzzing in his skull. "I guess, yeah."

"And since I'm the one who showed you this place, would you sell your soul to me, so I can open you up completely to this world?"

The bees in Denver's head were getting louder. He looked at Redstar, narrowing his eyes.

"I don't mean it in a weird way," Redstar scoffed. "I had to do the same thing to the cat that showed me of this magical world. It's a binding thing, to really let go of your soul on earth so you can have your soul permanently here."

A big group of blue and purple butterflies started to dance on Denver's shoulders, tickling him.

"Stop it," he giggled, brushing them off.

"You were my only real friend in Deadclan," Redstar whispered, looking deep into Denver's eyes. "I don't want to lose you."

"You and Whitefire are all I care about," Denver said sadly. "But lately she's been so distant. It feels like she hates me now. But I still love her."

The gleam that Denver had seen in Redstars eyes earlier shined again. But his face didn't change.

"Join me," he whispered.

"Okay," Denver said, making up his mind. "Yes, you can have my soul."

"Thank you," Redstar said slowly. Denver shivered; the winds seemed to have changed. He felt cold suddenly, and he shivered.

And then the colors started to twist, melting into a discolored mess. The butterflies that had tickled him turned into a swarm of bees, and Denver cried out in pain as they started to sting him. The golden clouds turned into black rocks, falling from the sky and crashing into the earth.

"Thank you," Redstar repeated again, but his voice had changed. Denver recognized the voice as someone else's, but he couldn't figure out whom. He started to back up, getting very frightened. Redstars wings had broken off, crashing like glass onto the ground. His body started to morph and distort, stretching his skin in a sickly way.

"Oh…" Denver suddenly realized what he had done. He tried to run away, but the quicksand was back. He couldn't move, and he started to panic.

"No," he begged. "No… please…" he turned around again, already knowing what he would see. Redstar was just an illusion.

Jaypaws spirit loomed over him, glaring into his very soul.

"I used your own tricks," Jaypaw sneered. "How'd that feel?"

"Please don't," was all Denver could whisper. But hope was lost. Jaypaw opened his mouth too wide, and Denver could feel himself falling apart.

"I'm taking my body, you heartless demon," Jaypaw growled. "And you're not ever fucking getting it back."