Confessions of the Damned

Chapter 18: Something's Not Right

"Violet!" Blackpaw called out loudly. "Rust! Where are you guys?"

Valeriy padded along behind him, sighing in frustration. They had been searching for Blackpaws friends for days, and she was getting tired of it. They're both dead, but he won't accept it, she thought to herself, watching Blackpaw as he stopped to peer under a bush.

"Violet? Rust? You guys in there?" he called out.

"Why the heck would they be under there," Valeriy couldn't help whispering. At once Blackpaw turned around.

"What was that?" he snapped. "Did I just hear you make a sarcastic comment?"

"Yeah," Valeriy said, not bothering to lie. She picked her claws awkwardly, not meeting his angry gaze. "Look, Blackpaw… we've been searching for days. I think you need to start embracing the fact that Violet and Rust are dead."

"Oh, okay," Blackpaw said in a hideously cheerful tone. "Well, next time I can't find you, I'll just assume you're dead too and give up forever."

"It's not the same!" Valeriy wailed, unsure of how to get the point across. "They fell over the falls, Blackpaw!"

"Well," Blackpaw hissed, stalking over and shoving his face in hers. "So did I."

"Whatever," Valeriy backed up, patience completely gone. "You wanna look around for the rest of your life searching, go ahead. But if I were you I'd go back to the river and take a real good look at the bloody rocks that stick out from under the waterfall. Because hey, they got that way for a reason."

"Shut up," Blackpaw hissed. "Do you feel good about yourself right now, Valeriy? Do you enjoy stomping on my hopes?"

"I'm just trying to make you see reality," Valeriy said miserably, sad that he was so delusional and angry with her. "It just feels like your waiting for someone that's never going to show up."

Valeriy braced herself for Blackpaws scorn, fully expecting him to spit an insulting comment or something rude at her. But to her surprise, silence met her words. Blackpaw stared at her, with a look of desperation.

It was confusing, because Valeriy had never seen him with that kind of expression before.

"I know I'm being unrealistic," Blackpaw whispered so quietly Valeriy had to move forward to listen. "I know they're dead, Valeriy."

"Then… why-" Valeriy broke off, even more confused. Then why do you keep searching for them?

"Dead or not," Blackpaw continued, looking off into the forest. "There's something tell me that they're out there still... I feel like their spirits haven't joined Starclan just yet."

"Oh," Valeriy said, thinking this over. What the heck is Starclan?

"I need to keep searching," Blackpaw said in a quiet voice. "Because they are probably searching for me too. And I know it's a long shot, but hey. As you've probably noticed, I don't have a lot to live for."

"I understand," Valeriy replied, feeling sad with herself. He's right, the poor cat has nothing except his friends… but what does that make me?

Am I nothing?

Is searching forever for your dead friends better than having one that's alive?

"Would you like me to leave you be?" Valeriy choked, emotion nearly cutting her off. "Would you rather search on your own?" Of course he does, I'm nothing to him. He doesn't care about me at all.

"Please don't leave," Blackpaw said, looking scared. Valeriy blinked, taken completely off guard. Huh?

"Don't leave me," Blackpaw whispered, looking down at his paws. "I'd go crazy if you weren't around."

"Oh…" Valeriy still didn't know what to say. She felt her heart glow with happiness, and she smiled.

"Well then, let's go," she said at last. "We have a lot of searching to do if we're going to find your friends!"

"Thanks, Valeriy," Blackpaw smiled at her, eyes filled with caring and sadness. "Sorry for being such a jerk all the time."

Whitefire poked her head in the warriors den, concern growing as she realized it what empty. Where the heck is Denver? She thought to herself, feeling very rattled. I haven't seen him in nearly a day and a half. Something's not right here.

"Looking for someone?"

Whitefire looked to her right, surprised to see Deadrose standing there.

"Oh, hello," she greeted him cautiously, wondering why he was talking to her. Him and the rest of Deadclan usually avoid me at all costs, let alone speak to me. What the heck is going on?

"I'm looking for Denver," Whitefire continued. "I haven't seen him in a while and I'm getting a little worried."

"I haven't seen him either," Deadrose confessed. "I was actually coming over to ask you if you've seen him, since you're friends and all."

"Friends," Whitefire snorted involuntarily. "Yeah, right."

"Oh?" Deadrose pricked his ears, curious. "I was under the impression you were good friends, Whitefire. Was I wrong?"

Whitefire opened her mouth to respond, but snapped it shut after a second thought. She glared at Deadrose. "I don't need to explain anything to you," she said, voice strong and confident. "You're mean to me and ignore me. Why do you care all of the sudden?"
Deadrose stared at her, nodding slightly as if he understood. "To be honest, Whitefire," he said at last. "I've been getting the feeling lately that we were wrong about you."

"Hm," Whitepaw huffed coldly, rolling her eyes.

"Redstars death opened the eyes for all of us," Deadrose said gently. "Made us kinda realize that delusions can be real. I'm sorry, Whitefire."

"You're sorry," Whitefire whispered, feeling very sad and annoyed at the same time. "For treating me like garbage all my life?"
"No one ever understood you," Deadrose said after a few moments. "And I don't think anyone ever will except yourself. I'm sorry you see and hear things that don't exist to the rest of us."

"It's not fun at all," Whitefire sighed, giving up on being angry. If he wants to apologize, then I guess that's okay. He appears to be sincere, at least.

"I bet it isn't," Deadrose said gently. "None of us had any idea on what it could be like, until Redstar decided he couldn't live with it anymore."

"I miss him," Whitefire said, voice hoarse with sadness. "Even though he was strange."

"We all do," Deadrose replied. "I couldn't help noticing you weren't there when Tigerlily- well, Tigerstar now, had her leader ceremony."

"She doesn't like me," Whitefire mumbled. "And to be quite honest I don't like her."
"I hope one day she gives you the apology you deserve," Deadrose said.

"Like that's ever gonna happen," Whitefire scoffed. We've never liked each other since the start of my existence.

"May I…" Deadrose's voice trailed off. "Say something?"

The tone in his voice had changed, and Whitefire felt as though something in the air had shifted. It wasn't a good feeling, and it reminded her of how she used to feel when she didn't know of Denver's whereabouts when he used to torment her.

"Go ahead," she said at last.

"Since Denver arrived in Deadclan, you seemed to have changed," Deadrose said very slowly. "You seem to really have your head on your shoulders…"

"You mean I haven't been acting crazy," Whitefire interrupted, voice flat. Deadrose laughed feverishly.

"You know what I mean, Whitefire. Now, I don't know entirely what sparked this sudden change in you, but I have an odd feeling that Denver has something to do with it."

Whitefire just shrugged, wondering why he looked cautious.

"Now, this might sound completely crazy," Deadrose said, shaking his head and looking at the ground.

"Look who you're talking to," Whitefire couldn't help smiling. "I know crazy better than anyone else."

"I just feel really unrealistic when I think about this," Deadrose said, narrowing his eyes. "But it's been bothering me, and it always will unless I ask you."

"Ask me what?" Whitefire was getting impatient. Just spit it out!

"Okay, well here goes nothing," Deadrose sighed before continuing, looking up into her eyes awkwardly. "So a second ago, I told you that I feel that Denver has something to do with the change in you. Ever since he arrived, you've been acting, well, normal. No offense."

"None taken," Whitefire said, feeling slightly offended but not wanting to say it. "Go on."

"On the other hand, I feel like Denver also had something to do with how you used to be," Deadrose said in a rush, looking uncomfortable. "I don't know why, but I just have this feeling in my heart that Denver was a part of why you got so messed up when you became an apprentice all those moons ago."

Whitefire stared at him in disbelief. She felt like laughing and crying at the same time. Never in her life did she expect anyone to guess what was wrong with her, to actually believe that Denver was the cause of all her despair.

"There's something not right with him, Whitefire," Deadrose said when she didn't respond. "And I think you already know that. I just don't know what to do about it."

"This may be hard to hear," Whitefire said at last. "But take it from someone who's known this terrible fact all their life. Nothing can be done about Denver. No one can do anything about him, not you. Not me. Not anyone."