Summary: Regina's mother is coming to stay again, and this time the whole office is seconded into helping keep Regina sane.
Note: Someone wanted to see Cora make a physical appearance, so here she is. Also, Hook is once more used as a comedy vehicle. I should probably show a little more remorse, but… nah…
Spot the Princess Bride reference that was put in there only semi-intentionally.
Cream Éclair
Gold was rather surprised when, in the middle of a phone call with a particularly annoying man in Plymouth, a calendar entry popped up on his computer screen.
URGENT CRISIS MEETING
It was scheduled for five o'clock that evening in Granny's. Regina had organised it, and everyone in the building was expected to attend, even Kathryn. Puzzled and not a little unnerved, Gold ended his call without paying any attention to what the person on the other end was saying, and he stared at the meeting invitation for a long time. Presently there was a knock at the door before it opened, and Jefferson and Alice both poked their heads around the frame.
"Have you seen it?" Jefferson asked.
"If by 'it' you are referring to our urgent crisis meeting that has suddenly materialised out of nowhere, then yes, I am looking at it as we speak." Gold looked up to meet Jefferson and Alice's eyes and motioned for the two of them to come in. Jeff sat down in the chair opposite Gold's and Alice perched on the desk.
"So, what's this about?" Alice asked.
Gold raised one eyebrow. "Wouldn't you be better off asking Regina that?"
"Of course we would, but do you fancy going down there and asking Her Majesty what the hell's going on?"
Gold had to concede the point.
"Well, I am as in the dark as you are. Perhaps Regina's lost all the office profits in an online casino and she's having to give up the building lease? This time tomorrow we'll all be working out of the carpark."
Alice shuddered at the thought. "Don't joke about it, for all we know she's firing the lot of us."
"That's highly unlikely," Gold began, but he didn't finish the thought. Nothing was certain when it came to Regina. "If that does happen though, do you want to set up our own practice with Dawn? 'Milliner, Gold and Stephens' has a certain ring to it, I feel."
"Gold!" Alice exclaimed. "This is serious!"
"I'm deadly serious, my dear. We'd take you on as our secretary of course."
Alice buried her face in her hands. "I can't believe this is happening. We're all about to be fired and you're making business plans."
"It pays to have a contingency plan," Jefferson said. "Regina can't just fire us all, can she?"
"You're the lawyer, Jefferson, you tell me!"
Gold leaned back in his chair and watched the couple bickering for a few more minutes. He was pretty certain that this meeting was a slight overreaction on Regina's part. Perhaps the landlords had increased the building rent and she was panicking about price increases. Perhaps she and Sydney had decided to elope to Antigua. It could be anything.
At least they were going to be meeting in a place that could provide several restorative cups of tea lest anyone faint at the revelations that would come to light.
X
When Gold, Jefferson, Ashley and Alice entered the café three hours later, Marina was already there, sitting at a large conference style table that had been formed of several tables all pushed together. Luckily there were only a few other customers in Granny's at the time, but the group from Guildhall still managed to attract a rather inordinate amount of attention.
"Evening, Marina." Jefferson tipped his hat to her and sat down at the conference table. Marina gave a distracted wave and continued to type frantically on her phone.
"Hello," she said eventually. "Before you ask I've got no idea what's going on either." She swore loudly at her phone and hit it against the table. "Aha, that's better. Nothing like mindless violence to get technology working again. Honestly, this is a nightmare. We're trying to organise getting Eric's family over from Denmark for the wedding and it's more trouble than it's worth. I've half a mind to just run off to Gretna and get it over with."
"Before you ask," came a voice through the café door, "I haven't got a clue what this is about either."
Sidney came into the café and sat down beside Marina, who chose that moment to let out a howl of 'why do the Danes speak Danish?'
"I'm not going to ask," Sidney said faintly, helping himself to a cup of tea from the large pot that August had put on the table for them.
Dawn and Philip were the next to enter, followed by Kathryn, who had to put the office to bed before she left, and Killian, who'd had to run straight from court and who looked more confused than all of the rest of them put together, as well as rather out of breath. Finally, Regina arrived and took the only remaining chair, at the head of the table.
"Ladies, gentlemen, thank you for coming. As you have probably gathered, we have an impending crisis on our hands."
Whatever it was that each of the gathered lawyers and admin staff thought that the impending crisis was, Gold was fairly certain that none of them had anticipated the next words that came out of Regina's mouth.
"My mother is coming to stay."
There was a stunned silence for several minutes.
"Ah," said Sidney. Gold could quite forgive him his reaction, considering what had happened the last time that Cora Mills had come to visit her daughter. He was fairly certain that Sidney's eardrums had never been the same again.
There was another silence and Marina looked around incredulously. "You dragged me away from planning an assault of military proportions on British Airways for that?" she asked.
Regina sighed. "I realise that not all of you think that this is quite such a momentous occasion as I do. However, given the fallout from her last visit, as you well remember, Marina, I thought it best to be prepared." She gave another sigh. "Especially as I have the final day of the Vizzini case on the day she is coming and I would really like her to remain completely and utterly distracted until it is over."
Now that put a different spin on things, and the gathered staff of Guildhall furnished their senior partner with an appropriate level of attention. Marina even put down her pocket Danish dictionary. This particular case was a high profile poisoning that had been in and out of court for months, with Cara Mallory providing the voice of reason in the Crown Court and Regina steering everything behind the scenes from Guildhall. If there was a day upon which it would be universally agreed by the entirety of the law office that Regina should not be distracted by her mother's presence, it was that one.
"So… How do we factor in?" Gold asked. "We can appreciate your predicament, but we are as yet unsure quite what you expect us to do about it short of murder."
"I have access to a shotgun and a shovel and I know how to use both," Alice said helpfully.
"You have a shotgun?" Jefferson mouthed, obviously rather alarmed by this revelation.
"My previous fallouts with my mother aside, I have no desire to bury her just yet," Regina said, "but thank you for the offer. I just need her to be distracted during the day."
"Can't you just rearrange her visit?" Ashley asked.
Regina fixed Gold's secretary with a withering look. "If I had been able to do that, do you think I would be hosting a crisis meeting now?"
"So basically," Jefferson began, "you want us to keep your mother occupied by hook or by crook to stop her coming to court and distracting you from what is possibly the biggest win in the history of our firm."
"Indeed, Mr Milliner."
There was another long silence before Killian voiced the thoughts of everyone around the table.
"How the bloody hell do we do that?"
"Hmm," Gold pondered aloud. "What does Cora Mills enjoy doing other than ripping people to shreds in court?"
"Nothing," Regina muttered. "She doesn't even have a toyboy on the go at the moment."
It was at that statement that all eyes turned to Killian. He took a few moments to realise that everyone was looking at him and he cast a wary gaze around his gathered colleagues from the above the rim of his teacup.
"Why is everyone looking at me like that?" he asked warily.
"Well, Killian," Marina began. "You're an attractive man, as much as I'm loath to admit it, and you've got a boat down at quayside, have you not?"
Killian blinked. "You want me to distract Regina's mother for the day."
Marina nodded enthusiastically.
Killian's eyes widened. "Gold should do it!" he blurted out. "He knows her!"
"I've met her once," Gold corrected. "In court. Besides, Sid and I are both automatically out as we're over forty. We need someone she'll be interested in."
Killian looked frantically around at the other gathered men.
"I've got exams in London that day!" Philip exclaimed, throwing his hands up in self-defence.
"I've got…" Jefferson began. "Ashley, Alice, please tell me there's something unavoidable in my calendar."
"You're in court in the morning," Alice said. "Jones, you've got a completely clear calendar that day."
"I can't believe you're using me as jailbait for your mother!" Killian said faintly.
"Killian, we're not asking you to do anything less than above board, we just want you to keep her as far away from the courtroom as possible. If you can keep her occupied for the day I'll pay you," Regina said flatly.
Killian gave the proposal serious consideration for a moment.
"Cash in hand, and I want a down-payment before we leave this café."
X
It should have been, according to Belle, a perfectly ordinary Tuesday afternoon. She and Tina were sitting in Granny's with a large pot of tea and several of Tina's knitting patterns, and there had been no indication at any point previously during the day to show that anything was remotely out of the ordinary.
This happy misappreciation was soon exposed as such when Killian entered the café, in the company of a middle-aged woman whom Belle had never seen before.
She turned to Tina, but her colleague was wearing a similarly intrigued expression, and both ladies came to the mutual and silent conclusion that it was going to be best simply to observe from a distance what happened next. This was easier said than done when Killian caught Tina's eye from behind his companion and mouthed, with a rather worried expression, 'help!'
Tina exchanged a look with Belle. "Do you think we should..." she began, but she was saved from continuing the sentence by the older woman going into the bathroom and Killian rushing over to the librarians.
"It's Regina's mother," he said. "She's... a force to be reckoned with," he finished faintly. "Regina's paying me to keep her occupied whilst she's in court but I've half a mind to give her money back and run. She's more trouble than she's worth."
Tina's attempts to suppress her laughter were woefully unsuccessful.
"If she orders an éclair I'm pulling a Dawn and hiding under the table in fear of my manhood," Killian said. "Do you think Regina would notice if I drugged her mother? What is it with ladies over sixty that make them so... so..."
"Lascivious?" Tina suggested.
"Aye, that, whatever that means."
Belle said nothing; she could only think of Gold's Aunt Elvira and she agreed whole-heartedly with Killian.
Outside, the faint chime of the cathedral clock striking five could be heard, and a few moments later, Gold entered the café.
"How've you been getting on?" he asked Killian mildly.
Killian glared at him. "I am not going to grace that with a reply."
"That well, eh?" Gold grinned. "What can I say, Killian? Your somewhat dubious charm and good looks evidently do you credit."
"Well well well, Mr Gold." Cora had returned from the bathroom and was looking at Gold with a somewhat sly smile on her face. "It's been a long time."
"Indeed it has, Mrs Mills. I'm surprised you remember."
"Oh, I never forget an opponent who has bested me in the field of battle," Cora said, her voice airy but her eyes anything but. "There have been so few, and each has left a considerable impression."
Belle's eyes flickered between Cora and Gold, and she decided that this was one discussion it was definitely best not to be involved with. As much as she wanted to offer her husband moral support, there was something in his stance that made her doubt whether he actually needed it or whether he was perfectly capable of giving as good as he got.
"Well, I pride myself on being part of such a select group," Gold retorted. "You really must introduce me to some of my fellows, I'd dearly love to compare notes."
The tension was palpable. Tina was watching the scene completely rapt, the only thing that was missing from the picture of the fully immersed spectator was some popcorn. Presently she blinked and started typing voraciously on her phone. Belle watched her for a moment, her attention torn between the fraught silence between Cora and Gold, and Tina's odd behaviour. Her friend was reading something, and her eyebrows shot to her hairline before she passed her phone to Belle. The screen showed an article clipped from a newspaper from 1995, describing the court case in which Cora and Gold had met. On reading the details, Belle was not at all surprised that the two of them remembered it so vividly. The story was so farfetched as to be practically unbelievable, including a tale of broken contractual agreements and, of all things, spinning wheels.
The situation was resolved by the appearance of Regina in the café.
"Thank God," Killian muttered. "I never thought I'd reach the stage of saying that Her Majesty's my saving grace, but occasionally we all have to lower our expectations." He went over to Regina, hand outstretched, and she sighed before handing him the rest of his payment. Killian wasted no time in leaving the café as fast as he was able to without drawing attention to himself. Belle gave Tina a pointed look.
"If you're looking for the right moment to run after him and offer him moral support to get over his traumatic day, this is it," she pointed out.
Tina grinned and left the café in the direction that Killian had taken.
"Mother, I see you've been introducing yourself to my colleagues."
"Regina, dear." Cora's entire aspect changed and she smiled, going over to embrace her daughter, who received the affection slightly stiffly. "How did you get on?"
Regina gave a triumphant smile. "We won."
"That's what I like to hear. Now, about that young man who kept me company today..."
"I think he has a girlfriend, Mother," Regina said, steering Cora out of the café. "Or, at least, I think he will by tonight," she added under her breath.
"Such a shame," Cora could be heard to say before the door swung shut behind them, and Belle finally let out the howl of laughter that she had been suppressing for the last few minutes of the farce that had been unfolding in front of her. Gold shook his head in despair and came to sit in Tina's vacated place beside Belle. August came over to top up the teapot and Gold poured himself a cup.
"She's an... interesting woman," Belle said.
"She's a demon," Gold muttered darkly into his tea. "She's all sweetness and smiles now but I'm telling you, if Regina had lost today it would be an entirely different kettle of fish."
"Well, with any luck we won't have to see her again," Belle said, leaning into his side with her own teacup. "And with any luck, Killian won't either." She burst into giggles again. "I shouldn't laugh, but his face was priceless."
Gold gave a snort. "Well, I suppose Mrs Mills is good for some things."
Belle thought of Tina. "Yes, I do believe she is."