:) hey guys! So I managed to whip up a longer chapter with a deeper meaning to it between katniss and Peeta. Here, I will try to attack everlark feels. Sorry guys. Not much fluff this chapter. Peeta and katniss (mostly Peeta) will really be trying to determine his/ her feelings towards the other. I am really focusing on that this chapter, to get it over with. It's not gonna be the end, before the real or not real scene. This chapter will take off with an issue if you don't mind. I'm actually scared myself. But, you know being realistic katniss and Peeta probably had some issues along the way to them falling in love again. I'm really sad their love story didn't originate from Peeta's love, when he was five. He did at first, but you know. Oh well, I guess we'll have to live.
Peeta POVOnce I finally manage to drag Katniss out of the bed for the second time this morning, she tries to make breakfast. We only stayed in bed for an extra hour or so. Although, we did wake up pretty early. It's only 8:30 AM. After a few minutes Katniss flips slightly burned pancakes on my plate. Along with the burnt pancakes, she has prepared some orange juice, bacon, and eggs. Katniss went all out for breakfast.
"Katniss, you didn't have to make all this food." I laugh at her.
"I did." She says leaning on the counter. "I was wondering if you wanted to spend the day with me today, it's nice out." She shrugs. "We could go back to the meadow, where you painted. Enjoy so e time to ourselves. Maybe I could give you some more tips on swimming. What do you say?" She suggests.
It is a fairly nice day outside. It's warm, but cool. Lately it's been cold, but spring is near. I should take the chance to get out of the house.
"Why not?" I smile. She smiles back and turns to clean up the mess she made. "Here, let me help." I offer, walking towards where she is standing.
"No, it's okay. I made the mess." She shoos me away. I sigh, knowing she will not let me help clean up this terrible mess she made for breakfast. However, I do manage to pick up a few dishes and place them carefully in the sink.
"So you said we could walk to the meadow today. When?" She shrugs.
"Well I guess it'd be dumb for you to leave, you're already here." She states. "We could head over anytime you like." She says.
I nod. I look forward to spending the day with Katniss. I tell myself I need to shower, I have been in the same outfit for two days now, spending time with Katniss. But, showering will have to wait, I remember what happened last time me and Katniss spent the day at the meadow. We were covered in mud, until we rinsed off in the lake. I help Katniss finish cleaning up breakfast, and sit down back in the chair I sat in to eat breakfast. Katniss glares at me.
"Whenever you're ready, Mr. Mellark."
I laugh. Something about hearing my name like that, triggers a memory in the back of my head, probably in the deepest part of my mind. After the games, Katniss and I had to play the role of star crossed lovers. We were engaged to be married, I remember wanting it to be real. Katniss claimed she never had feelings for me then, I'm sure it's true. She said she never realized how much she actually loved me until I was taken away from her. It was not an act to me as it was for her, I didn't have to act. It's clear whatever I felt for her then was real, and it may still be real.
I shake it off and clear my throat.
"I don't mind when we leave. How long do you plan on staying?" I ask.
"Maybe for just an hour or two. Whenever you feel like you've had enough of me." She laughs.
"What are we waiting for?" I ask.
She smiles and walks over to the front door, grabbing her jacket.
"Do you need to borrow a jacket of mine?" She asks. I walk behind her.
"No thanks, I think I'll be fine." I answer.
She shrugs and opens the door for me.
Once we are out of the house, she locks the door behind her and walks down the porch steps.
For the majority of the walk it is silent. Katniss doesn't seem to have any interest in talking, and neither do I. After a while I clear my throat.
"It's pretty chilly out today huh?" I ask, trying to start a conversation.
"Yeah, it's been cool. Luckily, it will start to warm up when spring approaches." She says.
I nod. I should have borrowed one of Katniss's jackets. I can handle the temperature, but it would have been nice to bring a jacket. I can't take much more of the silence, the only thing she has said to me was an answer to my own question.
"You left me in the Quarter Quell. Real or not real?" I ask. This makes her stop in her tracks and she turns to look at me. By her face expression I can tell she is confused, although I do not know why.
"Real or not real?" I ask again. She thinks about this for a moment, unsure as to whether she should answer my question or not. I grow frustrated from her lack of response. I don't know why I am acting this way all of a sudden, it is probably painful for her to be asked this question. Maybe she is afraid that I will be angry with her answer, it just popped into my head. I want to know why she prefers not to say whatever the answer may be. I wait. After a few more moments of silence from her, I figure she probably thinks I should know the answer to this already. Just as my lips from an apology, she hesitates.
"Real." She chokes out. A look of realization comes across her face. She knows better than I do about what happened in the Quell. Surely she doesn't realize this until now. I know I'm just making her live in the past again, remember mistakes she thought she made, and make her regret them and feel terrible about things all over again. Normally she would be on the verge of crying. However, she isn't crying. Yet. I apologize anyway. She looks at me unconvinced.
"Why are you sorry Peeta? Why are you apologizing to me?" She asks, waiting for an answer.
"I shouldn't have brought it up." I say softly.
"You don't have to apologize. I'm the one who should be apologizing. For everything." She sighs and runs her fingers through her hair, which is not in a braid anymore.
"I'm sorry about everything that has happened to you and between us." She says confirming her apology. I know by this she means numerous things she thinks she had to apologize for.
"You know I have to apologize for a countless number of things to you." She says.
"But, we would be here all day." She manages to laugh a little. I smile. I don't want I say anything right now, I see if she wants to speak more.
I find myself wanting to apologize to Katniss, for the few times I kissed her. It seems like it's blown off, like it never happened or mattered. I wonder if it mattered to Katniss, if she wanted to bring it up also. I have been trying to figure out how I truly feel about her, especially with our history together. Many memories are still shiny, not clear to me. I know I wouldn't kiss her if it didn't mean anything to me, or if I felt like I needed to, not because I wanted to. It doesn't feel appropriate in our case. I probably remind her more of how terrible things were before and after the rebellion. I feel a piece of me can still find my love I had for Katniss once deep down, but I can't do that to her.
I look at Katniss with tears welling up in my eyes. She looks confused at first, but then I can tell she knows what I'm thinking. She cocks her head sideways and looks like she is concentrating on something. She brushes blond hair out of my eyes and moves her hand to the back of my head, pulling me closer to her face. She stands up on her tip-toes and shifts her lips so that they will soon reach mine. I know exactly what she is doing. She shifts her lips upward, my head is tilted down slightly. I let myself enjoy it for too long, needing to stop her. Once her lips brush against mine, I step back, pushing her away slightly.
She looks at me in disbelief. I want to explain, but as soon as I open my mouth, I can see rejection in her eyes. I immediately regret what I did and scold myself as she runs away from her spot where she was about to kiss me.
"Katniss, wait." I plead as she runs back home, not turning around to look at me.
There's no point in chasing after her, she would just ignore me. Not that I could even have a chance at catching up to her. I put my face in my hands, angry at myself.
I made Katniss think she was unwanted, that I would never learn to love her again no matter how hard I tried. I just didn't and don't to hurt her more than I already had and have. It could never be the same between us, if there was ever an 'us.' It'd be too painful for her. It'd be unbearable. I've dug up too much of the past already for her. All I would remind her of is how bad things were long ago. She'd never be able to start fresh, or be happy again with me. I wish I could tell her that. I figure it's way too late. She wouldn't believe me, I don't think. I shouldn't have handled it like that.
I sigh as I start walking toward the Victors Village again, alone. Being alone isn't relaxing or peaceful for me at all. Especially when I know I could have someone else by my side. I wonder if Katniss feels the same way. Many nights, meals, days alone.
Perhaps she believed I could give her a fresh start, a future. Bring her back to life. We could help make each other happy again, despite our losses. I understand that me and Katniss share something no one else could even think about understanding. Only me and Katniss could understand a huge part of each other's life after the games. We experienced the whole situation together, including post-dramatic stress. We both understood each other, like no one else could, from experience. I now know leaving Katniss, at this state especially, is probably the worst thing I could do to both of us. At least now I know how I truly feel about her. There is no confusion there anymore m I think I was just afraid of admitting it to myself, that it could never be the same between us. I wish my feelings would have been more clear to me sooner. I know that my love for Katniss has always been there, and probably always will be. The thought of not loving her from the hijacking is what got into my head. What made the love unclear to me, the thought of not loving her when I did.
When I finally manage to reach my house, I am aware that I have been crying. I rub the dry tears on my eyes and evidence of little wetness appears on my hand. I look over to Katniss's house as I fiddle through my pockets looking for keys. Her lights are still on. I hope I will be able to manage to sleep some tonight, how could I after tonight? I really screwed up. I hope I will be able to talk to her sometime soon and get a chance to explain. I didn't mean to hurt her, I really didn't. I thought I was doing the best for the both of us, but I was wrong.
I step inside my house, throwing the keys on the counter. I exhale out of my mouth, heading towards the stairway.
When I make it to my room upstairs, I change into my pajamas. I would really like for Katniss to be with me tonight, although I know that is an impossible thought for right now.
As I try to fall asleep, I think of how to approach Katniss the next time I see her. I'm really upset about how things turned out. I hope this is fixable. Maybe she would understand, if I explained well enough.
The last thing I do remember thinking before I sleep was how good Katniss's lips would have felt on mine.
Im honestly really sorry if I killed your feels! I almost cried writing this but it needed to happen. Tell me what you think :) personally I feel the story went downhill a little but sorry it took so long. I was spending New Years with my family and friends :) AND HAPPY NEW YEAR BTW! :) I am unsure as to where I will start the story next, but I know it will be from Katniss's POV. Thanks again, I hope you liked it! Also sorry for any typos, and I might be going to see MJ PT 1 for the second time! Wish me luck! Let the mental breakdowns begin.