Camelot Chapter 27: So, do you have a big penis?, a twilight fanfic

AN: THERE IS A MESSAGE FROM ME BELOW! PLEASE READ!

I think the biggest disease the world suffers
from in this day and age is the disease of people feeling unloved.
I know that I can give love for a minute,
for half an hour,
for a day,
for a month,
but I can give.
I am very happy to do that,
I want to do that.
~ Princess Diana~

Goodbye England's rose
May you ever grow in our hearts
You were the grace that placed itself
Where lives were torn apart
You called out to our country
And you whispered to those in pain
Now you belong to heaven
And the stars spell out your name

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
And your footsteps will always fall here
Along England's greenest hills
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend ever will

Loveliness we've lost
These empty days without your smile
This torch we'll always carry
For our nation's golden child
And even though we try
The truth brings us to tears
All our words cannot express
The joy you brought us through the years

Goodbye England's rose
May you ever grow in our hearts
You were the grace that placed itself
Where lives were torn apart
Goodbye England's rose
From a country lost without your soul
Who'll miss the wings of your compassion
More than you'll ever know

~Candle in the Wind (1997)~
Elton John, Princess Diana's funeral

You forgave him.

Yep.

Your so, so stupid.

What?

Didn't you hear me? I said your stupid.

Why am I stupid?

If you were intelligent, you would have figured it out by now.

What are you going on about?

See? Your so stupid!

This is really not good for my self esteem.

Nothing is good for your self esteem, Anna, lets be honest.

Oh, we're being honest now, are we?

When am I not?

Good point.

So why am I stupid?

For forgiving him.

Why? I forgave him, that doesn't make me stu-

It makes you stupid.

S.T.U.P.I.D.

It does not make me stupid.

You could have held this over his head for years.

Yet you gave in.

Weak, I tell you, WEAK!

I heard the loud padding of Jacob behind me as I went into the Cullen house, and my eyes widened slightly as I realised they had changed everything back to normal.

Well, as normal as it ever can be when it's a vampire house.

The big flat-screen was on, low volume, showing some movie I ahd seen in the advertisements before coming to Forks played on the TV, yet no one seemed to be paying any attention to it except Emmett and Edmund.

They were hooked.

Kidding.

Emmett, Alice, and Jasper were out of sight yet I guessed they were upstairs, while Carlisle and Esme stood by the back windows, which were open to the river again. Bella was on the couch like yesterday, with just one tube still hooked into her, and an IV hanging behind the back of the sofa.

She was wrapped up in a couple of thick quilts, almost looking like a pig in a blanket while Rosalie was sitting cross-legged on the ground by her head.

Rose smiled as she saw me, as did Bella and I smiled as I saw her almost look alive.

It was unbelievable what a bit of blood could do.

I narrowed my eyes as I saw Edward, who sat at the other end of the couch with Bella's feet in his lap. He looked up when I came in and smiled at me—just a little twitch of his mouth—like something pleased him.

Oh, my god he was going to murder me.

That was the only plausible and realistic explanation to why he was smiling.

He had only shown me one of his gorgeous smiles once, and that was at his wedding - when he was not looking like he needed to shit and lock the door to his room, blare heavy-metal music, paint his eyelids with black as night eye shadow and then proceed to slit his wrists while sitting in the bathroom, clenching his knees to his chest and sobbing against the bathroom tiles.

Did you really just imagine Edward as an ... emo?

Yep.

It wasn't that hard to imagine.

So I have now come to the conclusion.

Edward was going to suck me dry.

Yep.

Really? Just really?

"We'll talk later, okay?"

My head snapped up, and I looked back at Jacob - nodding hesitantly and Jacob sighed, alerting Bella he was back and she looked up - smiling lightly. "They just wanted to talk," He mumbled, his voice dragging with exhaustion. "No attack on the horizon."

I looked back at him, biting my lip. "Jake, your exhausted." I murmured, grabbing his warm hand and he nodded. "Come, you can go to sleep in my room."

I dragged him up the stairs, and I opened the door to my room - smiling at him and I pushed him onto my bed, watching as he sighed in relief. "I'm going to go back downstairs, okay?"

He shook his head, grabbing my hand. "Stay. Please."

"Do I have to?" I asked quietly, and he nodded - pulling me onto the bed and crushing me against his chest, wrapping his arms possessively around me.

Any other time, this would be great.

But not when you have to pee.

Then, it's awkward.

I listened to his steady heartbeat, and I sighed as I was enveloped in his warmth - my hand going to his white shirt and I clutched the material, closing my eyes and succumbing to the sleep that I had been deprived of for so long.

"She broke a rib?" I asked, appalled and I looked down at Bella - my eyes wide. "Why didn't anyone tell me? Why didn't anyone wake me up!"

Edward shook his head. "You haven't had a full nights sleep for days, Anna. The most sleep you've gotten in ages is four or five hours. We left you-"

I narrowed my eyes. "Well next time, don't leave me. Wake me up when anything, anything happens to Bella. She is my responsibility, and she is my family. Not any of yours." I roared, and Carlisle sighed.

"She is family to us-"

I scoffed. "So 'family' goes against her wishes and at every chance they get, 'family' tries to take her baby away from her, against her will!"

"Anna-"

I narrowed my eyes, sitting down next to Bella. "Fuck off, Edward. I've had enough of all of you." I hissed, crossing my arms across my chest as I looked up at Esme. "Except Esme. And Rose. And Emmett - the rest, fuck off."

"Your not a morning person, are you?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Fuck off, Emmett."

Seth bounded through the doors, tattered and ripped denim shorts on and I bit my lip as I looked to the beaming face of the young wolf, wondering how somebody could be so happy without fault.

It's just not possible to be that happy.

"Hey, is Jake-"

"He's asleep." I said, cutting him off and he nodded, and Esme came over to him - smiling warmly.

"Seth, would you like some new clothes?"

He nodded, and she gave him the pile of clothes and motioned for him to go change in the upstairs bathroom, and he smiled appreciatively - thanking her. He came out in the new clothes that fit him better than they fit Jake and I forced out a smile despite my morning mood as Edward offered us both breakfast.

Trying to get on my good side, I see.

Seth didn't miss a beat and accepted in mere seconds, and I curtly refused - deciding that if Edward was going to cook me breakfast, I knew he would probably spit in it and poison me.

Standing up, Bella looked to me - raising her eyebrows. "What are you doing?"

I bit my lip. "I need a smoke."

"There is no smoking in this house," Carlisle said, and I nodded.

"I'll just go outside then."

Standing outside, I watched the rain fall against the drive and I exhaled the smoke that rested in my chest. "You know, smoking kills."

I smirked, raising the cigarette to my lips. "I realised." I turned to him, pursing my lips as I raised my eyebrows. "Are you going to give me an inspirational lecture on how I should quit, and save myself from an early death? I've heard it all, Edward."

"I suspect you have, Anna."

I nodded, smiling despite myself and inhaling, the taste of the need release filling my lungs. "Then why are you attempting to have a conversation with me?"

"I have no idea," He admitted, and I looked up to him - shaking my head as I rolled my eyes.

"Your annoying. I don't know how Bella stands you," I said, shaking my head as my eyes drifted down to his crouch. "Actually, maybe I do. Do you have a large Penis Edward?"

His eyes widened. "What!"

"Sorry, I said do you have a large Penis? Did you not hear me?" I asked innocently. Hiding my smile and he shook his head.

"I don't think that is any of your business." He said curtly, and I shrugged - inhaling.

"Just wondering. But if you don't, then that's-"

He made a small noise, and I looked to him - raising my eyebrows. "If you don't want me under the impression that my cousin, Bella, married a vampire with a small penis, speak now or forever hold your peace."

"I do not appreciate talking about my penis to anyone."

I shrugged, smirking. "Then why are you out here talking to me?"

"I wanted to apologise for my actions."

I narrowed my eyes. "You wanted to ... Apologise?"

He nodded, looking down to the ground. "I have not treated you with sufficient amount of respect, nor have I thanked you for what your doing and sacrificing for Bella."

I pursed my lips, cocking a brow as I crossed my arms across my chest. "She's family. What would you have expected me to do."

He chuckled. "Run in the other direction?"

I bit my lip, letting a small giggle escape me as I leant against one of the porch's posts. "That would have been the sane way to deal with the situation."

He shook his head. "Swan women are different."

Different, or mentally deformed?

"Different?" I asked, smiling. "Or weird?"

He smirked. "Unique."

I looked up to him, shaking my head."That's usually not the word most people use to describe me."

Edward sighed before looking to me, shaking his head. "I need you to promise me something."

"What?" I asked.

"I need you to stay near Bella."

I raised my eyebrows. "Stay near her. Why-"

"Just promise?"

I nodded. "Okay. Sure."

Throwing my cigarette into the rain, I ran a hand through my hair as I followed Edward back inside, watching as Jacob climbed down the stairs, smiling as he saw me yet his mood dampened as he saw Edward.

"What's for breakfast?" He asked, a little sarcastic. "O negative or AB positive?"

I smirked. "AB positive. I'm just dying for my next fix."

Bella rolled her eyes, sticking her tongue out as Edward went and beside her while Seth sat on the other side of her, his long arm wrapped around her tiny body as a plate that was filled to the brim with food sat on his legs. "Omelettes," she said, but her eyes darted down, and I saw that her cup of blood was wedged between her leg and Edward's.

"Go get some breakfast, Jake," Seth said. "There's a bunch in the kitchen. You've got to be empty."

Jake smirked. "Just wait a sec, okay?"

He jogged over to me and wrapped his arms around me, tenderly pressing his lips to mine and I giggled lightly as his lips moved against mine - the first time in days.

Wow, days without a kiss.

What a tragedy.

You should get ome sort of medal for that achievement.

Get awarded by the Queen.

"I've missed you so, so much."

I smiled, looking up to him as I laughed. "I know."

"What, no 'I missed you too'?" He asked, and I shook my head.

"I will never admit it." I said, smiling as I walked around him and into the kitchen, grabbing a plate and loading it with food - not caring if I get fat or counting calories.

"What's Leah having for breakfast?" Jake asked Seth critically and I sat down, looking up at Jake.

"Hey, I took food to her before I ate anything," he defended himself. "She said she'd rather eat road kill, but I bet she caves. These cinnamon rolls… " He seemed at a loss for words, almost mesmerised by ... Food.

Hey, can't judge, been there before.

"I'll go hunt with her, then."

I rolled my eyes. "Jake, stop with the dramatics - just take some damn food!"

He shot me a look of annoyance and Carlisle cleared his throat, approaching him. "Speaking of hunting," he began in a sombre tone. "That's going to be an issue for my family. I understand that our previous truce is inoperative at the moment, so I wanted your advice. Will Sam be hunting for us outside of the perimeter you've created? We don't want to take a chance with hurting any of your family—or losing any of ours. If you were in our shoes, how would you proceed?"

Jacob seemed stunned, leaning away from him as he calculated a response. "It's a risk," He said, rubbing the back of his neck - something he did when he was nervous. "Sam's calmed down some, but I'm pretty sure that in his head, the treaty is void. As long as he thinks the tribe, or any other human, is in real danger, he's not going to ask questions first, if you know what I mean. But, with all that, his priority is going to be La Push. There really aren't enough of them to keep a decent watch on the people while putting out hunting parties big enough to do much damage. I'd bet he's keeping it close to home."

Carlisle nodded thoughtfully. "So I guess I'd say, go out together, just in case. And probably you should go in the day, 'cause we'd be expecting night. Traditional vampire stuff. You're fast—go over the mountains and hunt far enough away that there's no chance he'd send anyone that far from home."

I raised my eyebrows. "What about the blood your giving Bella? Can that not sustain you?"

Carlisle sighed. "There's not enough, and if we were to resort to that - we wouldn't know the outcome of our actions. Drinking human blood can send us in to a craze. We're unpredictable when we drink human blood."

I bit my lip. "So there's no other options without taking the risk?"

Carlisle shook his head. "I'm afraid not." He turned back to Jacob. "And leave Bella behind, unprotected?"

Jake snorted. "What are we, chopped liver?"

Carlisle laughed, and then his face was serious again. "Jacob, you can't fight against your brothers."

Jake shrugged as his jaw locked. "I'm not saying it wouldn't be hard, but if they were really coming to kill her—I would be able to stop them."

Carlisle shook his head, anxious. "No, I didn't mean that you would be… incapable. But that it would be very wrong. I can't have that on my conscience."

"It wouldn't be on yours, Doc. It would be on mine. And I can take it."

I stood, standing beside him and I wrapped my hand in his large one - looking to Carlisle. "No, Jacob. We will make sure that our actions don't make that a necessity." He frowned thoughtfully "We'll go three at a time," he decided after a second. "That's probably the best we can do."

"I don't know, Doc. Dividing down the middle isn't the best strategy."

"We've got some extra abilities that will even it up. If Edward is one of the three, he'll be able to give us a few miles' radius of safety."

We all glanced at Edward. His expression had Carlisle backtracking quickly."I'm sure there are other ways, too," Carlisle said. Clearly, there was no physical need strong enough to get Edward away from Bella now. "Alice, I would imagine you could see which routes would be a mistake?"

"The ones that disappear," Alice said, nodding. "Easy."

Edward, who had gone all tense with Carlisle's first plan, loosened up. Bella was staring unhappily at Alice, that little crease between her eyes that she got when she was stressed out.

"Okay, then," Jake said. "That's settled. I'll just be on my way. Seth, I'll expect you back on at dusk, so get a nap in there somewhere, all right?"

"Sure, Jake. I'll phase back soon as I'm done. Unless . . ." he hesitated, looking at Bella. "Do you need me?"

"I'm fine, Seth, thanks," Bella said quickly.

And then Esme flitted back in the room, a big covered dish in her hands. She stopped hesitantly just behind Carlisle's elbow, her wide, dark gold eyes on my face. She held the dish out and took a shy step closer.

"Jacob," she said quietly. Her voice wasn't quite so piercing as the others'. "I know it's… unappetizing to you, the idea of eating here, where it smells so unpleasant. But I would feel much better if you would take some food with you when you go. I know you can't go home, and that's because of us. Please—ease some of my remorse. Take something to eat." She held the food out to him, her face all soft and pleading.

"Uh, sure, sure," He mumbled as he took it from her, holding it at arms length."I guess. Maybe Leah's still hungry or something."

I turned to him, narrowing my eyes. "Eat it. If you don't, I'm going to kick you ass. And don't go dump it somewhere."

He smiled warmly. "We'll talk later, okay?"

"Because I have so much else to do."

"Thank you, Jacob," Esme said, smiling at us

"Um, thank you," He said.

"Jacob?" Esme asked. He backed toward the door as she continued; she took a few steps after him. "I left a basket of clothes on the porch. They're for Leah. They're freshly washed—I tried to touch them as little as possible." She frowned. "Do you mind taking them to her?"

"On it," He muttered, and then he ducked out the door, leaving me alone with seven and a half vampires.

And one dying women.

Great.

It was going to be a long day.

Here is another chapter for you all!

Okay, first a thakyou to all my reviewers who reviewed.

Terry - your exact words were :"Fuck this girl is so pathetic, its sad."

...

I couldn't have asked for a better review. Really, just thank you. I'm flattered by your kindness and your large vocabulary - I just don't know what to say. You basically nailed what I wanted this character to be: pathetic :D I really couldn't have asked for a better compliment and te fact that you took time to review, wow, it's just - thank you. And also, thanks for taking the time and reading the story - your review was apprieciated.

RiseOfTheLemming - thank you so much for reviewing, your really sweet and yes, Jake can be an *insert swearword here* :D

- thank you very much for saying that and reviewing, it really made my day.

Cetacea-of-Time - I love that you like what Anna says and my deranged humor - it's really comforting and nice :)

shde - ANNA IS INSANE! She needs to be locked up in some facility and tested. But what's the fun in that? ;) Oh, and by the by - Edward cannot. Anna's mind to him is like TV static, sometimes he can get through and hear snippets but usually he's blocked out. GENETICS!

kowgomoo - Oh, kowgomoo, *Pats fondly on the head* you've been there from the beginning and I couldn't have asked nor wished for a better reviewer. You amazing, and awesome, and I am in love wih your great you haven't been lazy - I just needed some reasurance that the story wasn't getting boring. Please keep it up :)

younggandhungovaa - I love reading your reviews - your hilarious and give me a chuckle. Although, for the people around me, it must look
terribly weird that I am chuckling into my Iphone. :/

SamMorgan13 - You've been reviewing for chapters on end, and you never fail too. You have no idea, believe me, no idea how grateful I am. Thank you :)

Crystal-Wolf-Guardain-967 - You've been there rom the start, and I'm so glad your still reviewing. They make my day.

AGrinWithoutACat - I'm sure you do have a life, and believe me, I'm exactly the same wen I get hooked on a story - I know I should be with my friends, and socialising like a normal and sane human being but I guess I was dropped on the head as a child. Thank you for reviewing - your brilliant. By the way, love your account name.

NORWA - I'm glad you liked the last scentence, and thank you for your review.

Trich - Why not nipple hair? ;)

Outthere101 - I love how you love tha I'm following both of the story lines, it's really sweet wen people notice things. Thanks for reviewing, and yeah, I thought it suited her character as well.

Chinmayi - YOU ARE AMAZING! LITERALLY, AMAZING! And I'm glad your exams are done - I hope you get really goodresults :) What year are you in, by the way? Is that a bit to personal? I'm going into year eleven next year, so I'm freaking the fuck out.

wolfhappiness -Still there. Still loving your reviews. Still amazing! I really, really couldn't be more grateful. And yeah, they have ALOT, ALOT of talking to do andtha will be in the next three chapters although I still have no idea when she will find out that she is condemned to a life with Jacob Black. Thank you for reviewing! :)

Alannah O - BEST FRIEND! Literally, guys, she's my best friend - we've been best friends for 15 years and I'm seeing her just after New years so I AM SO EXCITED! Guys, she is an aspiring writer so give her luck - she'll be great, I just know it. And thanks for reviewing darling, are you glad I updated tonight so you can stop texting me about me updating? I love it, so don't stop. Love you, ifinite kisses and hugs! :D

cHoCoLaTe-RuM - I'm glad you find Anna hilarious - she seriously is a bit deranged. It's worry :/

ReneeGoetz - One of my favourite, reviewers, I have to admitt it. I was reading your review this morning, and I giggled hysterically. I have no idea why because your review was normal and not funny, but I love your reviews. You are AWESOME!

Tatie1984 - That's what I thought! I just assumed it wouldn't be weird because we've all tasted blood. Thanks for reviewing, your briliant.

Paranormalcy - You have no idea how much that means to me, to know that a complete stranger thinks I have talent is just beyond words and really consoles my horrible self esteem. Thank you so much, and don't ever feel shy to compliment me more! :D

lollapalozzafanatic83 - I'm glad Anna can relate. She's like me in so many ways as well, but were also completely different! Thank you for reviewing! :D

If I have forgotten anyone, remind me because I am terribly sorry.

By the way, guys, for chapter 26 - I got 40+ reviews.

40+ REVIEWS!

HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN!

YOU GUYS, THATS HOW THAT HAPPENS!

VIEW REVIEW REVIEW!