WARNING: This chapter jumps a lot in terms of time line, memories and events, try not to question too much and just go with it.

I would also advise Kleenex at hand...

Chapter 22

Memories and Cigarettes

There were many things about Harry that not many understood. Not without learning about his background. He, in Hermione's words, was emotionally stupid sometimes. He didn't know how to accept support because he grew up without it. He had a hard time letting people in, he had never been taught how to. His coping mechanisms were unhealthy. He pushed things down, he became reckless, he stopped caring about everything, especially himself and he did all the things he would have never done under normal circumstances.

Hermione rested against Ron's chest, hands twisting nervously. Luna stared at the sky, but for once her expression seemed pondering instead of lost. The twins were leaning against the wall silently, arms crossed with dark expressions, it was a tip off for everybody that something was not right.

A cab pulled over in front of them and they all perked up immediately. Hermione, and probably all of them, had been expecting to receive the same Harry they last saw, more precisely, him pretending to be that person. However when Harry got out, a perfect poker face, his trusty aviator glasses on, they knew things might actually be worse than they presumed.

He gave a subtle nod of his head and walked past them. They got the message and followed. Luna moved forwards and linked arms with him, starting to hum under her breath.

"I heard the weather was dreadful over there, fog, rain and winds… good for the suffering soul."

IIIII

"I just spent a whole hour discussing what superpower I would like to have" said Blaine giving Harry a small glare.

"Told you not to go in there" said Harry with a laugh, eyes closed and lazily bouncing a leg to the rhythm of the music. "Did you ditch Kurt there and escaped?"

"He was protected by a barrier of girls" said Blaine.

"Feel free to stop acting like you didn't enjoy the discussion any time" said Harry with a playful air.

"…so what superpower would you like?" asked Blaine giving in. Harry didn't say anything, but opened his eyes, noticing how serious he seemed.

"I'm guessing you expect me to say talk to the dead" said Harry and Blaine winced. He smiled with a little shrug. "Kurt?"

"Yeah, Hermione and the girls took him somewhere to cheer him up" said Blaine.

Harry nodded understandingly. "I wouldn't want to… but I understand the appeal."

"Why?" asked Blaine curious and wondering if he should have picked a less depressing topic.

"Wouldn't it be worse for everybody involved? They get to be reminded they are dead and… it would make moving on too hard" said Harry and closed his eyes. Blaine stared at him quietly, trying to figure out what to say. Harry smiled to himself. "Flying… I'd love to fly."

"It's like we're flying!" squealed Teddy raising his hands as the ride went faster in circles.

"Yeah" said Harry smiling at him and easily switching gears to focus on his godson. "You know, if I could, I would choose flying as a superpower."

"I would change faces! Or transform into a wolf! How cool would that be?"

Harry laughed. "Very cool indeed…"

Spending time with his godson was one of Harry's favorite things. They explored Thomas Land in detail on Monday, taking advantage of how empty the park was. Teddy got pictures with all the trains and Harry allowed himself to be dragged into all the rides.

"Are you sure you want to go in the wagons?"

"They are called Troublesome Trucks uncle Harry" corrected Teddy with an exaggerated roll of his eyes.

"Well, are you sure you want to get in?" Teddy seemed a bit wary of the ride, it was a rather simple roller coaster, but for a kid it probably looked a lot different. "Hey, you know, I'm feeling a bit scared of this one…"

"Is ok uncle Harry, I'll hold your hand" said Teddy bravely and Harry smiled.

"Alright, but you hold it very tight or I might run away" he said with a wink.

"I would catch you!" Teddy said with a cheeky grin. "I'm like the fastest kid in the world!" Teddy did enjoy the ride and demanded to ride it again and again, Harry happily indulging him.

On Tuesday morning, Teddy managed to do a special circuit of his favorite rides before going to town to see some other sights. On Wednesday they started the drive back to London.

Harry almost wished to have simply grabbed a train like they did before, but he knew how much Teddy loved their road trips. It was a good time to educate him on music anyways, none of that corny stuff Remus preferred or top 40 crap Tonks listened almost exclusively.

IIIII

Remus was still at the hospital, but Tonks was there to receive him at her mom's place. She smiled at him tiredly as he exited the car.

"Hey" he whispered to the sleeping bundle in his arms. "We are here Teddy, I gotta go."

"Ok" whispered Teddy sleepily. "I love you uncle Harry."

"I love you too cub" he said kissing the top of his head and passing him to his mother with a small smile. "I'll go visit now if that's ok" he said with a meaningful look.

"He's expecting you" she said and held onto Teddy tightly. Harry waved and with a sigh took the familiar road back to the hospital.

IIIII

Remus was reading a book when he arrived and closed it as soon as he saw who had entered the room, without making time for greetings he started.

"I talked to Nymphadora" he said looking a little pale, Harry had seen him worse.

"And?" asked Harry diplomatically.

"You are right, Teddy deserves to know… or at the very least we need to stop putting this over your shoulders" Remus sighed. "I've been a coward. I think it's time to face the music so to speak and accept we can't protect him from this."

"When will you tell him?"

"I've got another appointment next week, we'll find out where we stand with my condition and tell Teddy when we are properly informed…" Remus stared at Harry with resigned eyes. "It doesn't look good. There's a mass in my right lung, they suspect it might not be... the doctor told us to start mentally preparing ourselves."

"I can stay as long as you need" offered Harry, knowing there was nothing else he could do.

"You need to go back Harry, you can't keep dropping everything for me" said Remus sternly. "What would Kurt think?" he asked with a teasing tone.

Harry winced and rubbed his neck awkwardly. "I… I broke up with him… over the phone, which I don't feel really counts, but I plan to make it official as soon as I can."

Remus seemed unable to make words. "But… but every time you talk about him you sound so happy! What happened?"

"He kissed Blaine" said Harry, suddenly feeling all the repressed feelings coming back and trying to crush him.

"Blaine is your roommate right?"

"Yeah" answered Harry with a broken voice. The older man studied Harry's sad demeanor, it was easy, so easy, to find parts of James and Lily in him.

In a different life, Harry would have grown up in his house. He would have been Teddy's brother instead of godfather and uncle. He would have been his son for all intents and purposes; he would had led a simpler and probably happier life. Instead, consumed by grief, depression and barely enough energy to continue a fight he had grown tired long ago, he had lost Harry to Lily's awful family and never tried to look for him ashamed of his behavior.

At eleven Harry had stared at him distrustfully, having already lost faith in adults. He was having a hard time adapting to the radical turn his life had once again taken, but hiding it masterfully. During his first year at Hogwarts, he had managed to be tolerated, but it hadn't been until Teddy's birth at the end of that year that there had been a tangible, real connection between them.

"He's very small isn't he?" asked Remus holding his son, his baby boy. McGonagall had just dropped Harry and wasn't coming back for another hour.

"What's his name?" asked Harry curiously in a whisper. He looked so innocent, staring at Teddy with an awed expression.

"Ted James Lupin..."

His eyes darkened and he stared at Remus. "James?"

"After your father of course… I wanted to ask you a favor Harry. You see, Nymph and I would like you to be Teddy's godfather. It's a big responsibility, but I think you are the best candidate."

"What would I have to do?" asked Harry staring at Teddy thoughtfully.

"Play with him, explain things, he'll look up to you, you'll see. You would be like an older brother or an uncle" responded Remus carefully. Harry stared at him with determinate eyes.

"I promise to protect him and be there for him, always."

Remus knew that moment that Harry meant those words and unlike him, he would carry them out. He could see the longing in his eyes. He was probably wondering if he had a godfather. Wondering where was that person meant to be there for him and protect him? His eyes where too old and guarded for somebody his age and a big part of it was his fault.

"You mother held grudges you know?" half asked, half stated Remus. "She and Severus used to be great friends, but once he insulted her in public. He said terrible things I don't deny it, but despite all the groveling and begging he did afterwards, she never talked to him again."

"Your point being?" asked Harry a little more rudely than he intended. Snape had already told him the story, with far more detail and less attempts to turn it into a sappy moment. He liked that about Snape. He never sugar coated things for him, he never lied to him and because he knew Harry had never been a kid, didn't ask him to be one.

"I know most of the stories we told you have been about the good times, we have probably painted a picture of your parents as saints, but they were human beings Harry" Remus smiled at him sadly.

"Remus…" he sighed. "Believe me, Professor Snape made sure he was a balancing side for all the good things everybody said."

"I just don't want you to make the same mistake she did" said Remus with guilty eyes. "She lost her best friend because she wasn't capable of forgiving. I don't know them Harry, but in all our conversations Kurt and Blaine are regular topics and I could tell how happy you are with them, how much you love Kurt and how you care for Blaine" Remus' demeanor seemed nostalgic. "Your mom waited too long and now it's too late."

Harry scoffed, crossing his arms. "Remus, I appreciate the intentions, but…"

"I'm not saying you should ignore what happened" said Remus raising his hands. "Just sharing some knowledge to be honest, putting it out there for the young to ignore… you get that from Sirius."

They stayed in a heavy silence for a while; the topic of Sirius was still a sensitive one among them. "I miss him a lot you know" confessed Harry glancing at the last remaining link he had to his father and godfather.

"I miss him too" said Remus and for a while they just basked in the fact they were with the only other person in the world that could physically feel the missing presence in the room.

"Do you need me to stay?" asked Harry finally, breaking the spell.

"No Harry, you have a life over there. You know how Nymphadora is. She panics for every little thing" Remus gave him a big smile. "I'm proud of you Prongslet."

"Give me a call when you get the results will you?" asked Harry giving Remus a hug.

"Where are you going?" asked Remus, settling down in the bed already.

"I've got a few places I need to drop by while I'm still here. If I leave now, I might do a late visit and be in a plane tomorrow night."

"Take care Harry, I hope everything turns out alright."

"Same here Remus, you need to stick around for a long time, so hang in there."

They smiled at each other, Harry honestly hoped it wasn't the last time he saw the man. He was tired of losing people. Really, really tired.

IIIII

He stared at the stones unable to sort out how he felt. He stayed for a while, just looking. Finally he simply left the flowers he had bought and left the cemetery.

"Goodness gracious James!" called an old lady, her shopping bag falling to the floor.

Harry paused puzzled. "Harry actually, he was my…"

"You father of course, of course I remember!" she pulled Harry into an unexpected hug. "Little Harry, oh my, how much you have grown! Last time I saw you… well you were just…" the eyes of the woman watered and she fetched her handkerchief. "Forgive this old woman dear, it's been so long Harry."

"I'm sorry ma'am, but I don't…"

"Of course you don't remember me" said the woman dismissively. "I used to take care of you sometimes, Lily, what a wonderful soul she was, so young; she would bring you to cheer me up. You would wobble around the house, falling all the time, but you never cried! So stubborn too, we never manage to get you to eat your carrots. Oh Harry, it's so wonderful to see you."

"Would you… would you mind telling me more?" asked Harry awkwardly.

"Of course not dear, of course not, come with me" she linked arms with him "I'm Bathilda Bagshot, by the way, I know you don't remember, but you used to call me BaBa…"

Bathilda turned out to be a historian. She was a retired teacher that had used her free time to write biographies and History books. She had a fascination with documenting all sorts of things and more importantly, a very vivid memory. For the rest of the afternoon Harry heard all kinds of stories about his parents.

He learnt they had bought the house when his mother was five months pregnant, that Sirius practically moved in with them, that Remus was constantly coming during the weekends. She remembered fondly the day all the baby stuff arrived and how Lily had made the guys miss the rugby finals to assemble the furniture. She remembered the day she went into labor, his father and Sirius had rushed to the hospital in such panic that they forgot Lily.

"I took her there myself!" said the woman laughing. "Called a cab and we chatted till we got there, strong woman she was. Didn't even wince once, she looked like an angel Harry, she was so beautiful."

Harry stared at his cup of tea with a somber air; he raised his eyes and asked the question he has been dying to know. "How did they die? Sirius and Remus had always been vague about it. They mentioned something about somebody breaking in and a fire, but no…"

She reached out and grabbed his hand. She stared at him with such pity, with so much emotion that Harry's throat closed off. With a voice full of honesty she started.

"She loved you so much, Harry, so much…"

IIIII

"You know, people think my mom named me after a character from The Sound of Music, but she actually named me Kurt because it rhymed with Burt" Kurt said playing with Harry's hair.

Harry smiled, he knew Kurt was still thinking about his mother but was in a good place at the moment. "That sounds adorable."

"It does" giggled Kurt. "How about you?"

"I don't know" said Harry staring at the ceiling. "I know my second name was for my father… and I know my mother's family had a tradition of naming daughters after flowers, but don't know; they probably just liked the name."

Kurt continued to pet his hair silently.

"I think you have it worse, not knowing them and… I don't know how I would cope without my father…"

"I disagree, I think it would be harder to lose them" said Harry nudging Kurt. "Want to cuddle?"

Kurt was already halfway into changing positions. Harry pulled him the rest of the way and they held onto one another, Kurt hiding his face on the crook of his shoulder and Harry resting his cheek against his boyfriend's hair.

"This is some very sad bonding" mumbled Harry and felt the vibrations of Kurt's laugh, followed by some tears soaking his shirt.

"I'm just… nostalgic I guess" mumbled Kurt. "I miss her so much."

"Time doesn't make it better then?" asked Harry.

"No…" said Kurt with a little heart breaking sob that he muffled immediately, Harry held him tighter, he knew Kurt was also new at this opening up thing. It was a big step for Kurt to allow himself to be this vulnerable with him and he wondered when would be appropriate to return the gesture.

"People are full of crap then" decided Harry closing his eyes and smiling at Kurt's surprised laugh.

IIIII

He walked the streets of Godric Hollow feeling numb. He entered the little bed and breakfast, thankful that there was nobody awake and that everything was silent. He sat down on the bed and contemplated just staying there, watching the wall, but for once he didn't want to drown in self-pity. He wanted somebody to comfort him and tell him that things would be ok.

He thought about calling Hermione or Ron, but decided against it. She would only try to get him to open up and talk. Then she would try to look after him when he was back and smother him. He had good friends, the best friends he could have ever hoped for, but he wanted more than that. He lay down and stared at the ceiling. Somehow, even having so many wonderful people in his life, he had never felt more alone.

He curled up. A painful twisting sensation spread across his stomach. He hugged a pillow and tried to push down the drowning emotions threatening to drive him crazy. Without something else to focus on, it was harder to ignore. He wanted his parents. He wanted his parents back so much it hurt. He hadn't felt like this in a long time. He had killed any type of longing and hope years ago.

Then Sirius came along and screwed everything up.

He wanted his godfather back. He wanted his parents back. He wanted not to worry about losing Remus any day. He wanted not to have to lie to Teddy. He wanted to be a kid for once in his life and have no worries. He wanted his life to stop being so messed up.

He wanted Kurt to love him half as much as he loved him. Ridiculously, he wanted Blaine not to have been the one kissing Kurt because somehow, the combined actions of those two had stabbed deeper than it should have been possible.

He wanted the hurt to go away. He wanted so many things out of his reach that he had entered the realm of pathetic.

He wanted… he wanted… he smiled miserably refusing to even form the idea. He had a tendency to want impossible things and it just hurt more when he returned to reality.

He was so done with all that.

Everything during the last few days reminded him of Kurt and Blaine. He was done letting them take over his mind, he had to move on. He had to.

IIIII

"Remus will call when he knows the results" said Harry sinking on his old trusty couch and trying to shake the memories of the last few days. "I took Teddy to Thomas Land."

"Was it fun?" asked Luna hanging upside down of one of the bunk beads.

"It was" smiled Harry.

His friends knew him enough to not press things for now. They had simply showed up to be there for him, they watched some movies, talked about nothing in particular and dodged Hermione's attempts at wrapping them up in one of her crazy movements. Ron decided to drive the girls back to their school two hours before curfew, the twins stared at him.

"Kurt's been trying to talk to us"

"I didn't ask you to stop talking to him" replied Harry.

"It was hard to be around him, knowing he…"

"How did you find out anyways?" asked Harry, starting to unpack his bag in his old closet and making a mental note to remind himself he needed to pick up some essentials.

"He told us, the day after."

"Oh…" Harry sighed. "I'll go talk to him. I've been ignoring this long enough."

IIIII

Harry paused in front of the door awkwardly. He wanted to get things done as quickly as possible. A clean break up and then he could drink himself into oblivion. He put his mask in place and knocked.

"Harry!" said Kurt surprised opening the door and stumbling backwards to let him in.

He didn't look like his usual flawless self. Considering the amount of time and care he put into his image, it spoke volumes of how worried he was. He had dark circles under his eyes and his hair was a mess. Blaine was sitting on his desk and wasn't any better, he hadn't shaved, Harry knew for a fact how much Blaine hated to have any signs of a stubble.

Harry motioned for the two of them to follow. He had wanted to speak only to Kurt, but in the end he would rather do one confrontation over two. At first they didn't know how to react, until the door was opened and the twins, plus Wes and David fell inside.

"If you follow, I will call your mother and tell her everything I know about you two" said Harry in a calm cold voice. "And if you two follow, I will steal your gavel Wes and your stash of snacks David, make a pyre and burn them."

Everybody seemed properly intimidated. Without glancing to see if he was being followed, he started walking. Blaine and Kurt rushed behind him, barely able to keep up with his pace. He walked inside the auditorium and climbed the stairs, finally taking a seat on a stool. The other two boys stood in the middle of the stage awkwardly.

"I am not going to start singing about how I feel like if that's what you are waiting for" said Harry finally.

"Harry" started Kurt with a small tremble on his voice. "I am so..."

"Don't say that Kurt" said Harry while leaning forwards, resting his arms against his knees. "You love Blaine and I should have known better than to get in between you two" he swallowed. "It doesn't make what you did right, not by far. Let's just break up so that you and Blaine can get together and I can move out."

He was taking the high road in front of them; he wanted this break up over. He would go with a classic for later. Get drunk and just dial angrily with everything he had bottled up. He earned at least one angry drunk dial, maybe two, but he wasn't going to let them see how affected he was.

Kurt choked. His eyes watered and he couldn't speak. He had done something awful to Harry. He seemed so cold and resigned that Kurt couldn't muster the ability to do anything but silently cry.

"I love Kurt" suddenly said Blaine, Harry stared at him uninterested. "But I am sure that I also love you," his cheek red and his hands playing nervously with his sleeves. Harry's eyes were the only thing that betrayed his surprise; he stared at Blaine for a minute without reacting before turning to Kurt.

"I..." courage, Kurt thought to himself. "I love you Harry" he bit his lip and stared at his hopefully, still boyfriend. "I never told you that before, because I was confused. I wasn't sure what I felt for you... and Blaine. Because I love him too, I love you both so much that it hurts and I can't change that. I am sorry that I hurt you, I really am... but I don't... I can't lose you."

Harry stared at the floor decisively; he didn't look up as he spoke.

"So what you are saying is that you are both in love with each other... but you are also in love with me" he waited until they both nodded in acknowledgement. "I am not quite sure what you two are aiming for by telling me this. But this is what I think. I believe that you two are in love with each other and are too afraid of trying to be a couple on your own, so you are dragging me along for the ride."

"No!" said Kurt vehemently.

"At the end of the day, I am... was just a secondary character in your story" said Harry emotionless. "The 'guy' you started dating because your best friend was convinced he didn't feel anything for you, only for him to discover that he does. In a few weeks after the guilt is gone and people stop whispering, you and Blaine would be dating and everybody is going to say that it was a matter of time, that they knew all along, and at some point when you tell the story of how you started dating, I would really only be 'the guy' that Kurt was dating, 'the guy' that made Blaine realize how he actually felt" he laughed hollowly. "Isn't that the premise for almost every romcom movie out there?"

He stared at them with cold fury. "That's fine, but I have the right to write my own goddamn story away from you two, and in that story you used me, cheated on me and broke my heart with a backstabbing friend that I was naive enough to trust."

Kurt looked physically hurt by the words. Blaine hands trembled slightly, but he started to speak.

"I need to ask... please look at me" Harry did, taking in how nervous and scared Blaine seemed. "It's not like that for me, not at all. I do love you and I wanted to know, if you... well if you feel anything for me? Or if you think you could..."

He crossed his arms protectively. "Anything at all? Because if you do, then maybe, the three of us... I don't mean to sound presumptuous! But Kurt and I talked and maybe, we could try. The three of us I mean, we could. I know it's not common, but who cares? Well maybe you do, and if you do its ok, but maybe we, well, you know..."

Harry realized that Blaine was serious. He wasn't going along with things because he felt that was the only way to have Kurt, yes, he could be that cynical. He was honestly putting himself out there for rejection. They both were.

This could go in so many wrong ways for everybody involved. The safe and logical thing to do would be to walk away. He hated complicated relationships and drama. He had been willing to let the second thing slide with Kurt, because it was so easy to be with him. Take care of him and love him. He did feel something for Blaine...

He was more than half in love with him already if he was honest.

"Oh..." whispered Blaine when Harry didn't say anything, his eyes watered and he averted his eyes. "Of course you don't... God, I am so sorry... I screwed your relationship after all you did for me, and fuck... I don't..."

Harry stared as Blaine slowly broke down, Kurt echoing the sentiment. Because it did make sense that Kurt would rather be alone than choose between two people he loved. Harry stood up and walked towards Blaine. He had done a lot of stupid things in his life, he owed it to himself to do one more.

One that counted.

One that was purely selfish.

Blaine closed his eyes, seemingly resigned for Harry to either punch him or walk away. As gently as he could, he placed a hand on Blaine's chin and raised his face. Blaine stared at him surprised and Harry leaned forwards, pressing their lips together.

The mouth under his gasped and he took advantage to slip his tongue in, feeling too stressed and angry to attempt sweet. Blaine moaned and grabbed his neck desperately; responding to the kiss messily and eagerly, probably too relieved to care about technique. Harry moved one hand to grab his waist and the other to cup his cheek. Patiently he slowed down the rhythm, until the other boy was compliantly following his lead.

Blaine didn't put any fight. He allowed Harry to gently massage his tongue and responded back shyly.

It was surprising how good it felt. He liked how vulnerable Blaine was allowing himself to be, how he clung to Harry, how he had to lean forwards and Blaine had raised himself as much as he could, how he fit perfectly in his arms…

Harry had never given much thought about Blaine's preference, but if he was reading things right, he was more comfortable letting somebody else take charge, or it was more likely the situation and that Harry wasn't feeling in the mood to share control. He carefully bit Blaine's lower lip, earning a deep moan. Blaine's body arched towards him, exposing his neck and clinging tighter to keep balance.

Kurt gave a happy squeak in the background.

It was exactly what Harry needed to come back to reality. Because yes, he might be in love with Kurt, and yes, he might be half in love with Blaine, but that didn't change things.

They separated and Blaine stared at him in surprise and contentment. "I love you... I do love you."

He confessed, feeling his chest getting lighter.

"I can't do this" Harry whispered loud enough for Kurt to hear, he took a step back. Blaine whimpered at the loss of warmth or his words, he couldn't be sure.

Despite everything Harry felt the need to reassure him, because Blaine was kind of perfect, in that imperfect way that made his annoying qualities endearing, but mostly, he had to say something because he felt guilty. Because he shouldn't have done that. He really, really shouldn't have. It had been wrong of him to give them hope.

"It's not that I don't feel anything for both of you, or because it's a crazy idea, but because you two hurt me. I trusted you and I... I just can't" Harry shook his head, eyes stinging. "If you had come to me, if you have talked it with me from the start, or even asked or something other than..." he gestures to the two of them vaguely. "Maybe... but fuck, I can't even look at either of you without… I can't be with somebody who makes me feel so angry, to the point I want to hurt them back and lash out and it would be so easy for me to do it…"

"You would never hurt me… us" said Kurt secure in that knowledge.

"That's the thing… I used to believe that about you too" Harry said sadly and backed away. "And now, I just keep thinking all the ways I could, and it's taking every measure of self-control I have to convince myself to take the higher road…"

Kurt rushed towards him and hugged him, clutching to Harry with all that he had.

"Please, tell me we can make it better" he asked, while soaking in Harry's scent, how he felt and every little detail about him he could memorize. Blaine slowly slid down, until he was sitting on the floor, one hand covering his lips.

Harry grabbed him by the shoulders, struggling to separate him and looked him in the eyes, coldly.

"Do you even fucking realize what you are asking me?" he hissed letting some of his anger escape. "How the hell can you look me in the eyes and ask me to give you and the guy you cheated with a chance? Seriously Kurt! Do you realize how it makes me feel? How are you not understanding this?"

His grip on Kurt lessened, giving him plenty of chance to escape. They stared at each other, neither backing up and Kurt's tears sliding down his face.

"I love you" said Kurt closing the distance between them to hug him and sob against his chest, against his better judgment Harry hugged him. He knew he had to let go, but he was allowed this wasn't he? To hold on to the boy he loved for just a few more seconds… "I just… please, just tell me what to do."

"I don't know Kurt, I don't know and I wish I knew. If this has any hope at all, I need to forgive you, both... and to be honest, I am not sure if I can forgive either of you. I don't think I want to" Harry hugged him harder for a moment, barely a second. He pressed a kiss against the top of his head and pushed him gently away. "I want to be very clear about this. We are done. If you and Blaine decide to get together, it's none of my business."

As he left the auditorium, making a point of not looking back, of not listening to Kurt's sobs and Blaine's silence, Harry wondered why he had bothered in the first place. He barely opened up, but the damage they had managed to do had gone too deeply for him to be comfortable.

He was exhausted, tired of the trip, of being worried about Remus, of the emotional rollercoaster ride from hell he had been submitted to lately, of not being able to sleep. He wanted to go to their bed, curled up against them and forget everything. But he couldn't, he needed to get away. They might have broken his heart and his trust, but he still had his damn pride. His pride seemed to be the only thing keeping him together. Again.

He couldn't stay at Dalton. Not at night anyways. The temptation was too great and he couldn't get their hopes up again, because he meant what he said. He could eventually, maybe, forgive them, but that didn't mean he'll be able to forget or want to be close to them again. He mentally snorted. Something he apparently had in common with his mother.

He went out to the same club he frequented with the twins and Ron, before they all got into relationships and replaced going out, for movie nights, double dates, shopping and whatever they planned with their girl or boy in his case.

He ignored the calls from his friends. It was Friday and he had every intention to take advantage of it. With a text to let them know he was not going to be in until Monday he turned it off, going as far as leaving it in the car to avoid any temptations.

He got drunk.

He thought about going somewhere with the girl that had been doing 'fuck me' eyes to him all night. He thought about how he hadn't got properly laid since he heard Kurt singing. He tried to unsuccessfully remember the last time he had gotten drunk, not buzzed, but really, black out, forget your name and troubles drunk. He thought about Kurt and Blaine and couldn't be bothered to add the chick into the mix.

He stayed until 6 and paid Ann, a bartender that worked there to pay for college, 50 bucks to let him crash on her sofa. They started that arrangement after the Ginny fiasco, when sometimes he wasn't feeling like going somewhere with a girl or going to his friends. She conveniently lived in front of the club.

As soon as they stepped outside she fished a pack of cigarettes from her pocket and lit one, for the first time since they knew each other, and probably a testament of how miserable he looked, she extended her arm and offered.

"Want one?"

He had only smoked once in his life, with Sirius. He had been 13, curious and wanted to see how far he could push him, so he got some and smoked them in the garden, openly and defiantly. Sirius had seemed surprised, but sat down and finished the pack with him. At some point he started telling him stories about the good old days, while Harry tried not to cough a lung out. He was bitter after listening how close they had been and how they still had turned his back on him.

He asked why Remus had not taken him.

They watched the sun go down and Sirius told him about Remus' condition. He explained why Remus was sick all the time, he explained why he hadn't gone to live with him, he explained what cancer really was and how it affected his friend. He told him about the visits to the hospital he had to do regularly and the lame excuses he had given them back in school, until they found out and started going with him.

He told him with vivid detail about all that happened in that hospital and then he told him that cigarettes caused lung cancer. The cancer Remus suffered from when he had never in his life touched a cigarette and Sirius had smiled sadly.

"That's life for you kiddo" he said taking a long drag. "You lost your parents, I wasn't here to take over and Remus couldn't because he was fighting not to die; talk about rotten luck…"

Harry had never wanted to smoke again, especially after Sirius took him to the next visit and he was able to see everything first hand.

It showed how bad this break up was affecting him that instead of a lecture or a refusal, the words that came out where.

"Sure, why not?"

What was the point after all? His luck couldn't get any worse.

IIIII

They woke up sometime after noon and talked about their lives. He mentioned Remus, but not Kurt or Blaine. She mentioned her grandmother had passed away, neither asked anything too personal or offered comfort. He got groceries and restocked her kitchen. He cooked lunch and spent the day quizzing her with flashcards for an upcoming exam.

They had an easy going vague friendship, more out of convenience than anything else. She smirked when he asked for permission to smoke inside, but nodded anyways.

He went down to the club with her again that night. He sat in a corner and was drunk before they even opened. He knew his limits and with a few more drinks he would be approaching a dangerous territory. He danced until he was sober enough to keep drinking.

At 5 he decided to leave, he paid his tab, nodded to Ann who waved at him and warned him not to drive.

He thought about going back, but couldn't be bothered. He sat in his car wondering if he should drive in his state. He was completely drunk and didn't really care. He was tired and not thinking clearly, but the smell on his clothes from all the smoking sobered him up enough to call Stan, his usual cab driver. Stan didn't ask questions and Harry gave him the first direction he could think of.

He had no idea where he was going until he saw the building ahead. He almost asked Stan to turn around, but an unmistakable figure was sitting on the front steps, nursing a cup of what he assumed was coffee.

He paid Stan absently and got out. He must have looked terrible because there was a gasp, a cup breaking and he was surrounded by a pair of arms. It felt good. It felt welcoming. He hid his face and sighed relieved. His head hurt and his body felt heavy. He was half dragged inside and placed on a soft surface, a sofa. He passed out after that.

- End Chapter 22 -

It's shorter than usual, but kind of heavy. I couldn't find anywhere to add more without changing the place where it ended, but I decided since I've been torturing all of you guys so much (and because a looot of people keep asking me) that I'll either update next Friday OR when we reach 60 reviews (1,391).

That's right, the deal is on for this chapter and this chapter only because I really want to move the plot forwards!

See you soon and sorry for the angst!